


Basically...Some OneShots

by CaffeinatedFlumadiddle



Series: Storytime: Voltron is (Basically) a Disaster [9]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Anxiety, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, I lived, I'm going to eventually give George his own chapter, Keith called Adam mom that one time, Lance and Shiro being bad at therapy, Language, M/M, Panic Attacks, Poly Relationships, Sex talks, Sexual innuendos, Therapy, WARNINGS:, adorable kids with parents who are very bad at parenting, and a cat, bet you thought you saw the last of me, he can have one, more chapters to come that I'm sure will have the following:, people getting arrested, some Garrison days with Matt Shiro and Adam, surprise bitch, the first chapter has some pettiness, unlawful abductions of dogs, y'all get the gist, you guys have been asking for so long
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-21
Updated: 2019-07-31
Packaged: 2019-10-09 23:34:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 38
Words: 182,942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17414684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaffeinatedFlumadiddle/pseuds/CaffeinatedFlumadiddle
Summary: Chapter 38: Basically a Peacemaker"Keith, tell Shiro to pass the butter."The teenager in question rolled his eyes as he looked between Adam and Shiro before lowering his glass of milk. He thought that eating dinner with them flirting across the table was bad...Never had he predicted this could be worse."...Shiro. Adam says to pass the butter." He muttered and took a bite of his mashed potatoes. Shiro didn't even miss a beat."Keith, tell Adam to get his own butter." He said. Keith swallowed his potatoes."Are you guys really going to keep doing this?" He asked. It had been a whole twenty-four hours since 'the incident' and neither seemed to be backing down. Shiro shrugged. Adam ignored him, taking a sip of his wine before holding out his hand patiently for the butter. Honestly. Keith's life was the worst. Why was Adam even here? If they were fighting why did he come over? Nevermind. Adam thrived in chaos. Stupid question."Shiro says to get your own butter." He said and Adam hit the table."Well you can tell him-""Come on!"OrAdam kills a bug. It ruins Keith's life.





	1. Basically an AU

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You,” Adam whispered and pressed his hands together before nodding “Are my enemy. I know it. I feel it.” He said. The man took another bite of potato salad. 
> 
> “If you say so.” He shrugged “Is that guy really your husband?” He asked, tilting his head at Shiro. Adam’s eyes followed his and he smiled a little before nodding. “He’s ridiculously hot.” 
> 
> “I know- wait. Stop making it difficult for me to be your enemy!” Adam objected and turned to where Lance was still staring at the food in front of him. “Can you believe this?”
> 
> “…The potatoes are calling to me.” 
> 
> “I will kick your ass back into space, I swear.” 
> 
> Or
> 
> Things are kind of weird. Lance is having the urge to farm and Adam feels a strange hatred to this random guy at the Garrison. Shiro can’t see and Keith is a sudden philanthropist. Pidge wants to design a twin robot brother and Hunk- wait. Does this have to do with that weird purple light?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I rise. 
> 
> If you're new here then I should probably mention these one-shots go with my Voltron is (Basically) a Disaster Series. If you want to read that - cool. I think they are pretty legit. If not, that's cool too and here's a handy little guide on some parts of this that might be confusing in this chapter:
> 
> In this universe...  
> Lance and Keith are dating and so is Romelle and Allura. Adam is alive (and also an ass, but we love him) and is married to Shiro. Adam also helped raise Lance in the Garrison which is why he is the way he is. Hunk (who is an ex-mob boss) has two moms and a dad - they're cool - and Kinkade and Pidge are also besties. That SHOULD be all the context you need. 
> 
> If you're not new then thank you all so much for being so sweet and kind and wonderful while I was sick. I love you all. I'm not out of the woods yet so I'll be very slow in updating things, but I feel good enough to post some stuff. This is a new one-shot, but the old ones should be posted soon! Alas, I had an intense need to write this after s8. So...With that being said. 
> 
> THIS FIC CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR SEASON 8. 
> 
> Worry not, I didn't include s8 into my universe...Directly at least. You'll see what I'm talking about soon. Enjoy!
> 
> Side note: This chapter is very long. I got carried away. Get some water and a snack.

"...and that is why I'm not allowed at any Disney park or resort. Rumor has it that the Goofy head is still up there." Adam said as he took a bite of his food, ignoring the open mouth staring he was receiving from Hunk as he finished his story. Lance hummed in agreement. 

"Maybe they'll lift your lifetime ban since your husband saved the universe." He said and Adam sighed.

"No... I called and asked. They are still really mad about it." He muttered. Keith rolled his eyes, snagging some sauce from Pidge and dumping it on his food.

"You tried to murder Minnie Mouse," He began as he dodged Pidge's hit "Obviously-"

"I'm confused," Allura interrupted, waving her fork "Who are these people? What actions has this Mickey and Minnie done to warrant such hatred? My mice are docile creatures. Are mice on Earth not the same?" She asked. Her mice must have heard her because they scrambled up to the table, squeaking a bit at the talk to of murder. Adam snorted.

"So first off, Mickey is a _dick-_ " He began, but before he could explain more, Shiro burst through the door with his hand floating a bit behind him.

"I did it!" He beamed, looking around the room. "I followed all the instructions - I think it turned out awesome!" He told them and the group nodded eagerly. Kosmo tilted his head up at the smell coming from the kitchen before whining and burying his face into Keith's lap. Keith hushed the wolf as the others gushed with excitement.

"I'm sure it will amazing, Shiro!"

"Yeah, you've gotten really good at baking!"

"Your last cake was pretty awesome, so this should be perfect!"

Shiro beamed at them all before disappearing back into the kitchen. A bit of smoke entered the room when the door opened and closed again. There was a beat of silence as everyone stared in the direction Shiro had disappeared.

"This cake is going to be fucking nasty, isn't it?" Pidge sighed. Keith rolled his eyes.

"All of you are overreacting. He fed me for years. It isn't that bad-"

"You eat out of necessity, Keith." Hunk pointed out "You don't get an opinion on food."

"All of you better eat _every last bite_." Adam warned and Lance raised his hand.

"But... How are we sure it isn't poisonous? We could die. Do we have to finish it in that case?" He asked and hums of affirmation circled around the room. Before Adam could respond, Shiro was back with what appeared to be... cake. Probably. Kosmo sneezed before getting up to leave the room, a low growl rumbling through his chest as he flicked his tail at the cake. Shiro didn't seem to notice the criticism as he placed the plate on the table, tongue poking out a bit on concentration as he turned it so the table could see. Hunk clapped.

"Wow!"

"That looks...Amazing!" Lance smiled "Betcha it's better than sex."

"Ouch, Keith." Pidge said, twirling her fork on her plate as she eyed the cake warily "Are you going to take that?"

"At least, I'm _having_ sex." Keith muttered, ignoring Adam's gasp of outrage.

"Not under this roof you're not! Takashi and I _just_ got this house!" He said pointing his fork at Keith "And don't think I haven't noticed the handshakes!" He added and Hunk blinked. When Adam went back to moodily cutting the cake he turned to Shiro, mouthing _'handshakes_ ' with his head tilted to the side. Shiro shrugged. Keith rose an eyebrow, ignoring both Hunk and Shiro when they turned to him before addressing Pidge again.

"Maybe you've just never had good cake." He pointed out and Pidge snorted, before offering up her plate to where Adam had volunteered to cut the dessert. Silence fell over the room as everyone nervously watched the food being handed out. Allura froze.

"Did you... Did you hear that?" She frowned and looked around. For the most part, the room was fairly empty. Shiro and Adam had only moved in last week so there was only the table and a bunch of boxes. Everyone was eating off of plastic plates, which Adam insisted wasn't classy, but had been outvoted on since nobody wanted to unpack the dishes. Hunk hummed.

"Sorry, probably my stomach." He told her and there was a loud crash that shook the room.

"That better not have been my eating ass mug," Adam deadpanned, looking at one of the fallen boxes "Did we have an earthquake or some- _damnit_!" He hissed when the room shook again, violently throwing everyone to the floor. More boxes fell and shattered. Hunk groaned from where he was lying on the ground, rubbing the back of his head.

"That...Was not my stomach." He amended and a rumbling sound wailed around them. Pidge gasped, clasping her hands over her ears as she yelped in pain. Another crash followed.

"Get to your lions!" Keith shouted, but was cut off by a scream and the ground trembling beneath them. A screeching sound followed before another moment of silence.

_Honerva! She's destroying all realities!_

_No! We have to stop her!_

"What?" Lance blinked up from where he had fallen from the floor and rubbed his head "That sounded like-"

"Look out!" Allura screamed and suddenly, purple light burst through the wall.

* * *

"I think I can smell heartbeats."

"Pidge... Shut the fuck up," Lance muttered as he held his head in his hands. Pidge looked over at him and made a face before collapsing on top of where Hunk was, curling into a ball on top of him. "I feel so _weird_." He moaned "I think my brain melted or something."

"It was...A really, really weird dream." Hunk said from over Pidge's head as he looked around the Garrison's infirmary "Coran, do you have any idea what happened?" He asked and the Altean hummed as he typed something on his computer before rolling on his chair over to where Allura was sitting next to Romelle. He looked them both over before shaking his head, finger twirling in his mustache.

"I...Am a bit at loss," He admitted "But I will say there are multiple realities. On rare occasions a few have been known to converge. The entire universe heard and felt what you did...It is possible that another reality met with ours," He shrugged and clicked his tongue "However, you are well aware of the unique materials it would take to pierce time and space." He said. Lance sighed.

"Once again, I don't know what's going on." He muttered and Allura smiled at him, placing an arm on his shoulder. Coran glanced over, brows furrowing at the action, but said nothing as Lance smiled softly back at her. "Where did Keith go?" Lance frowned as he looked around the room "I need someone to start a bubble bath for me." He yawned and Romelle rose an eyebrow.

"Why can't you make your own bubble bath?"

"Because I have a boyfriend who agrees to start bubble baths for me if I buy him fingerless gloves." Lance told her and Romelle shrugged before flopping onto Allura's lap and burying her face into her stomach. Coran continued typing, ignoring most of the conversation filtering in and out around him.

"The voices said something about destroying realities," Shiro said from where he was curled up next to Adam "We should probably investigate that."

"Perhaps," Coran frowned "But not right now. I'll ask Sam Holt to help me see if he can figure out what is going on. For now...Rest. You may need your full strength." He said and Pidge scoffed. She was pretty sure she hadn't been 'full strength' in years. Lance got up, bones popping as he stretched.

"Sleep sounds nice," He beamed "Maybe I can get Keith to stay over so we can talk about apartment stuff too!" He added and Adam's head whipped up from where he had been talking to Shiro. Lance winced when he realized what he had said.

"Apartment stuff? You're moving in together?" He asked and Hunk gasped in excitement, clasping his hands together "You two are not ready for that."

"We are-" Lance started, but was interrupted by Adam holding up a finger and pushing up his glasses in frustration.

" _You asked me if you needed to get insurance for your lion yesterday_!" He pointed out and the room went silent.

"Well," Hunk asked "Do you?"

"It's a fucking war robot from a different planet," Adam groaned "This is why - oh my God. I'm think I'm having an aneurysm."

"Wait..." Pidge blinked "Do we actually? Fuck I-"

"Takashi, make them stop."

* * *

"Please...Matt... Don't do this."

Matt looked up from where he was pushing his hair out of his face and sighed.

"It's too long, babe! I just feel like I need to." He groaned "I got to cut it!" He said and the alien across from him scowled. Not that he could see their face very well. But he knew. He knew. His long hair was probably Joie's main reason for dating him (despite their constant protests). They crossed their arms and he stared back at the blank white and blue expression. "Come on, let's talk about this later. I'm trying to do some serious math right now." He said and Joie sighed.

"What kind of math?" They asked, moving to sit next to him as he worked. Slowly, a smile tugged on his lips as he looked up at them. Joie must have realized their mistake because they began shaking their head before Matt even began talking.

"I'm using polynomials to figure out the curve at that ass-"

"Sometimes I wish I had died in the war."

"Whoa. Maybe try some herbal tea or something, babe."

* * *

“I think I need glasses.”

Adam looked up from where he was reading and narrowed his gaze at his husband. Takashi was staring at his hands, lips formed in a small pout before turning to look at Adam.

“Glasses are my thing, back off. Not all of us have biceps made of solid iron, Takashi. Some of us need to put our glasses at the end of our nose to look intimidating,” Adam sniffed before narrowing his eyes. “Besides, you got an eye exam last week,” He pointed out “Maybe take a nap?” He suggested and tossed the book aside and stretched “I wouldn’t mind one. You’ve been working hard lately. It could be eye strain.” Takashi nodded. 

“Maybe,” He murmured and stood up. “It’s cold anyways. I could use being buried under some blankets!” He added brightly and took a few steps towards their bedroom before immediately running into a wall. “…ow.” 

“If you didn’t see the entire wall there then I don’t think glasses can help you anyways,” Adam said and reached for the book again. Shiro groaned and pinched the bridge of his nose.

”I think I have a concussion.” He grumbled and Adam slowly looked back up before hopping off the couch to look over his husband more critically. After a few seconds of silence he nodded. 

“I can have a helicopter here in ten minutes.”

“Let’s just drive to the ER.” 

“I’m texting Atlas. They’ll be here in five minutes.”

”Adam, it is just a bump. Just drive me to the doctor.”

”Voltron will be here in two minutes.”

”Adam!” 

“We don’t have any spare clone bodies to suck you into Takashi! We have to be careful with the one you have left!” 

“This is _homophobic_ and quite frankly disgusting behavior-”

* * *

“Lance, _please_.” Keith whined as his boyfriend tugged at his hand impatiently “I’m supposed to meet with Kolivan today. Can’t this wait tomorrow?” He asked and Lance turned to look at him, nose wrinkled. Keith figured that was his answer. 

“I mean,” Lance started with a shrug “If you want you can go ahead. I guess I’ll just look for our apartment by _myself_.”

“Apartment. _Apartment_.” Keith stressed “You know you said _apartment,_ right? Because I got a call yesterday from the President of the United States asking me if we were moving into the White House.” He told his boyfriend and Lance paused to give a sheepish grin over his shoulder. Keith sighed. “We are _not moving into the White House_.”

“I guess it would be haunted with a bunch of old white men," Lance mused. Keith rose an eyebrow "I wouldn't want to be taking a bath and some ghost to tell me to go back to Mexico or something."

"You're Cuban."

"That was the joke - Keith, I _know_ I'm Cuban." He groaned and ran a hand over his face "You know, we _could_ just get a yacht and live there.” He suggested brightly “You would like that, right? Whenever anyone bothers us then we can just sail away!” He said. Keith opened his mouth to object, but paused. Lance could see his mind shifting from refusal to consideration at the offer. There was a pause before he narrowed his gaze at him.

“…maybe.”

“Or a farm…” Lance hummed and Keith tilted his head.

“A…Farm?” He frowned “You would want to live on a farm?” He asked, a little surprised. He supposed it shouldn’t be terribly shocking. Lance did love Kaltenecker and always was a fan of nature. “I mean…I guess we could-”

“We could grow flowers...Like juniberries are really pretty... And potatoes. And corn. And-”

“We could… Do that," Keith agreed with a slight tilted to his head and furrowed his brows "But what about your family? That seems a bit far from them.”

“They can live with us!” 

“I…Sure, sure.” Keith nodded, a little bewildered. Still, he didn’t question it as his boyfriend considered where they could buy a random farm. “And Adam? I don’t think he would be excited about us living outside the city.” He said and Lance turned to look at him.

“Adam…?” He frowned, staring blankly “Who is...? Huh… Oh! Adam!” He snapped his fingers “Weird. He completely slipped my mind for a second.” Lance said and Keith stared. "Anyways, we can go to Altea and get those flowers Allura likes and-"

"Go to Altea? Lance, what are you _talking_ about?" Keith interrupted and pressed a hand to the side of his face "Maybe... Maybe we should rest a little longer. Actually, let's visit everyone else, okay?" He said and tugged his hand "Shiro texted me that they were going to meet everyone in the Garrison's cafeteria. Let's eat and visit with everyone." He coaxed and Lance frowned.

"You can't tell me what to do, mullet!"

"If you come with me then I'll hold your hand in public." Keith offered. The words made Lance pause as he narrowed his eyes, looking his boyfriend up and down slowly. After a few moments of consideration he jutted out his chin.

"Like...Around the team kind of public or the kind of public where the paparazzi can see us?" He asked and Keith took a long breath before staring up at the sky for a few minutes.

"...The second one."

"Jesus. You're such a whore - I'm in."

* * *

“Who is _that_?” Adam demanded, slamming his hands down on the table as he marched up next to Pidge and Hunk. Both looked up to see the pilot pointing a shaking finger to where a man was stabbing at his pasta.

“Um…I don’t know. I think he’s analyst or something.” Pidge said, squinting at him. The mystery man dropped some pasta on his shirt and looked deadpan at the mess for a moment before not attempting to wipe it away and continued eating. “A dumb one.” Pidge tacked on, dryly. 

“He’s my enemy.”

“What?” Hunk said, glancing up. “Why?” He frowned. Adam shook his head. 

“I don’t know…But he is. I feel it. I _know he is_.” He whispered and clenched a hand over his chest “I’m going to go talk to him. Assert my dominance.” Adam nodded and Pidge hummed. 

“Okay, have fun.” She said and turned back to Hunk “Anyways… Yeah, my mom has been really into plants lately. It’s weird. And Matt wants to cut his hair for some reason. I hope he doesn’t – he would look like a loser… But more importantly, I want build my own robot." She said thoughtfully. Hunk nodded.

"That sounds cool!"

"He's going to look like my twin."

"That's...Weird, but I support you anyways." He said "Um... Why are you building this robot again?" He asked and Pidge took a long sip of chocolate milk as she seemed to mull over her answer.

"Honestly? I think I'm losing control of my life and all my decisions are meaningless because someone else is controlling me and freedom is actually an illusion. I guess this robot is my way of playing God by creating something I can control and relegate in the way I fear I'm being manipulated." She said and grinned "I'm going to call him Chip!"

"Huh... Chip is a nice name."

* * *

“Flowers are just...so...beautiful.” 

“Uh huh.” 

“I just…They make me so _sad_. But _happy_. You know?” Lance sniffed and Keith put a hand on his boyfriend’s arm, rubbing a hand in circles “And people _need_ food to live, right? What a better way to give back to the universe than to create?” He whispered “I can’t believe it ended this way! It's so fucked up!”

“What ended this way? Lance, you’re getting a little… Into this farming thing. There's Adam. Go talk to him - I think he’ll help put things in perspective for you.” He said, guiding him into the cafeteria and pushed him to where Adam was talking with some guy Keith felt was vaguely familiar, but couldn’t place. "But remember he's figured out our secret handshake so don't mention anything about that." Keith added and Lance nodded.

“Secret handshake...” He repeated and frowned “Wait. Why do we need a secret handshake again?” He asked and Keith bit his lip. Maybe he should take him to Coran instead...

”For when we want to do stuff without Adam knowing, remember?” He asked and reached up to touch his arm when Lance’s expression faltered. Keith jerked his hand back, eyes widening for a moment.

“Yeah...And afterwards we can talk more about the flowers?” The other paladin pressed. Keith froze, but found himself slowly nodding. 

“We can talk more about the flowers. I promise." 

"Oh good. I can't wait to tell Allura!" Lance smiled and Keith stared as he watched him head off towards Adam's table. For a second he could have sworn...No. He must be tired. Lance didn’t have glowing blue marks under his eyes...Maybe he had just gotten used to seeing so many Alteans...

He turned for a moment to sit down next to Pidge and Hunk. Both gave him small waved of acknowledgement before continuing their conversation about whatever robot Pidge was making. Keith stared at the table.

"I'm galra."

Pidge paused in her speech before turning to Keith.

"I prefer the term 'fluffy Barney' but Shiro said I wasn't allowed to say that to your face," She shrugged "Why the shock? You turn purple when someone touches your ice cream." She said and Keith blinked up at her.

"I... Doesn't that mean I have a responsibility to that part of my heritage?" He asked, biting his lip "Should I be working to help stabilize their government or something? Find diplomats and a leader? And what about the Blade? I'm not doing enough." He said and shook his head "I know Krolia has been doing a lot of work with the other galras, but I should have been involved. I should-"

"Keith. My friend. Our devoted team leader. Paladin of the red and then the black lion. My guy. My main man. Hero of Earth and all of space," Pidge interrupted "Chill out. You can do all that stuff if you want, but like, it's okay that you're taking a break. Besides, you know they'll ask you to become emperor or some shit and...Do you want to be emperor?"

"...no."

"There you go then," Hunk yawned and put his head in his hand "Eat your lasagna and become a morally responsible person later."

"But-"

"You got boring after you decided to be all responsible and stuff," Pidge complained "It's like you have no flaws whatsoever."

" _Pidge_!" Keith objected "I am not boring! I have-"

"Just illegally download some music and maybe trip over a rock once in awhile, you freaking goody two-shoes." Pidge continued and Hunk gasped.

"Oooh. Damn. She called you a goody-two shoes." He whispered before turning to see Keith staring at Pidge with his mouth open.

"Say that again." He scowled at her, crossing his arms. Pidge smirked before taking another sip of chocolate milk. Not breaking eye contact, she leaned in a little more so she was almost touching Keith's nose.

"You went on a space whale and you...Got...Boring. You and your mama and your space dog were cool for a little bit and then you became a stereotypical _anime character_." Pidge told him and Hunk glanced up at the ceiling.

"Hey, God. I know you and me have never really talked or anything, but if you're out there-"

" _I'm not an anime character_!"

”You’re Ash from Pokémon, Keith. Face it.”

”DAMN PIDGE!” Hunk yelled “Don’t be rude to Ash like that - oh. Sorry, Keith. You’re...A really complex person!” Hunk said raising his hands in surrender "I, for one, like that you became perfect. It is...Really inspiring." He said with a firm nod. Keith gawked.

”Are you two fucking kidding me?”

* * *

“Who are you?” Adam hissed as he sat down across from the stranger. The man looked up, blinking at him for a few seconds. For a second he looked around to see the rest of his table was empty aside from one very annoyed pilot and himself before answering.

“Oh. I’m Curtis. You’re Adam Frasier, right? I-” 

“I hate you.”

A pause. 

“Right... Um. Cool. Do you want some pasta?” He asked, gesturing to his food. 

“We’re enemies.” Adam said and pointed a finger at him “I will _destroy you_.”

“Is…Is that a ‘no’ to the pasta, then?” Curtis asked raising an eyebrow “I try to keep my enemies well fed. I feel like it evens the playing ground a bit, you know?” He asked and Adam blinked. For a second his mouth opened and closed like a fish before snapping shut. Curtis waited. Adam leaned back.

“I see we are going to be enemies with sexual tension then,” He sniffed and crossed his arms. Curtis smiled.  “I will have you know I am a married man.” Adam informed him and shoved his hand in his face, showing off the golden ring on his left hand. Curtis drew back before nodding at the band admiringly. He moved his head so he could meet Adam's gaze and grinned.

“That’s too bad. I have a thing for boys with glasses. Or with big arms. Either one. Imagine _both!_ ” He beamed and put his fork down to clasp his hands "My dream guy would definitely be someone with thick arms and glasses. Like a bundle of protein who is also a nerd, you know? That would be such a gift." He sighed and looked at his pasta "Then again... All the boys like that are _straight_." He groaned and poked a fork at his food again. Adam stared.

“It appears we are star-crossed enemies," He sighed "But yeah. I've been there. Tell me more about these heterosexuals that plague you, Curtis."

* * *

“What happened to you?” Keith asked as he sat down next to Shiro who had piled himself up in the midst of Garrison textbooks in order to isolate himself from the rest of the cafeteria. The man was squinting in front of him, pressing a tissue to his nose as he scowled. “Um…Are you okay?” 

“I keep running into things,” Shiro muttered, pressing his temples “I can’t believe I survived war to only go blind.” He grumbled “I’m getting old, aren’t I? I’m old. I have white hair, glasses soon… I don’t deserve this. I may have killed some people, but I think the people I saved kind of evens it out, right?” 

“Right…” Keith said and took a bite of his pizza (since his lasagna had somehow ended up all over Pidge) “As thrilling as this conversation is, I wanted to ask you about something else.”

“I raised a psychopathic brat.” 

“Whoa! Easy.” Keith frowned “Shiro, if you need glasses than just… Get glasses. In fact, I think the Garrison can fix your eyes anyways. Why is this an issue?” He said and poked him with his fork. “You’re getting worked over this.” 

“I was more referring to the fact you are using a fork and knife to eat your pizza. I thought you grew out of that.” Shiro pointed out and gestured to where Keith had been cutting his pizza up into smaller pieces. Keith paused before brightly stabbing his fork into the crust.

"I knew it! I _do_ have flaws!” He beamed and licked his lips "Can I talk to you about my problems now?" He asked, tilting his head at little bit. As a kid, he had perfected the 'sad orphan' look to use against Shiro in his time of great need...aka he was running out of time to finish his homework and knew the man had the answers stashed away in his desk. Despite the years that passed, Shiro seemed no less immune to it now.

“Fine,” He groaned “What’s on your mind?” He asked, sitting up and rubbing his eyes. Keith took another blasphemous bite of his pizza and chewed thoughtfully.

“I’ve been thinking… About the Blades. The universe is at peace. I’m sure there will be small squabbles, but they aren’t really meant as police task force, you know?” He asked and Shiro hummed in agreement. “Maybe they can transition into a sort of…I don’t know. Rescue squad? They could bring resources or something to people still struggling from the war.” Keith explained thoughtfully.

“That’s a really good idea, Keith. Have you talked to Kolivan about it?” Shiro asked and bumped his shoulder “Or Krolia?”

“No… I kind of wanted to run it by you first.” Keith admitted and put his chin in his hand “I was going to talk to Lance too, but he’s really caught up on this farm thing.” 

“Farm?”

“He wants to live on a farm.” 

“Oh… That’s… Nice.” Shiro said, rubbing his temples “I didn’t peg him as farming guy. He seemed so set on being a pilot. Wasn’t his dream to be a fighter pilot in space?” He asked and Keith sighed.

“Yeah. Maybe after the war he’s over it?”

“Doesn’t seem very… Lance.”

“I’m trying to stay positive. He would look good in overalls. And, like, he probably wouldn't straighten his hair that much so it would get curly again and he could get more freckles... So I guess if he really wants to live on a farm, I can't _complain_.” Keith reasoned "But I'm not milking a single cow." He added, wrinkling his nose "Me and Kosmo can paint the barn or something." He shrugged and Shiro hummed.

“Overalls, huh? Do you think Adam would be down to farm?”

"I don't think Adam has ever seen a farm."

* * *

“Lance!” Adam called as the boy walked over, collapsing into the seat next to him “Thank God you’re here – this is Curtis. He’s the antagonist in my memoir.” He said, gesturing to the other man. Curtis waved his fork in greeting. 

“Hi,” Lance nodded and leaned against Adam “I want a farm.”

“Sure, sure. We were just – wait. What?” Adam paused and turned to him “Why do you…? Okay. Sure. Why not?” He shrugged and when Lance brightened, hit the paladin’s forehead “I’ll tell you why not! Because that’s _stupid_.” 

“Hey!”

“I did _not_ stay up until three in the morning with you every night with a squirt gun to make sure you studied to become a farmer. I literally carried you on my back to class that one time you twisted your ankle. You can become a farmer _after_ you pilot for another twenty years!” He told him and Lance scowled. 

“I saved the universe! Surely it’s okay if I’m all piloted out!” He argued and Adam stared. “I _died_ so I think that-”

“Alejandro…Don’t you dare start down that path with me. You and Takashi think you can get away with _everything_ just because your soul left your body. I – Curtis. Back me up here.” Adam said and Curtis glanced up from where he had been staring at them blankly.

“…Farming is a noble profession. I think it’s great he’s branching out. Doing one thing for the rest of your life seems a bit mundane.” He reasoned. Adam took a long breath. 

“You,” Adam whispered and pressed his hands together before nodding “Are my enemy. I know it. I _feel_ it.” He said. The man took another bite of pasta. 

“If you say so.” He shrugged “Is that guy really your husband?” He asked, tilting his head at where Shiro was sitting with Keith. Adam’s eyes followed his and he smiled a little before nodding. “He’s ridiculously hot.”

“I _know_ \- wait. Stop making it difficult for me to be your enemy!” Adam objected and turned to where Lance was still staring at the food in front of him. “Can you believe this?”

“…The potatoes are calling to me.”

“I will kick your ass back into space, I swear.”

* * *

“Hellooooo. Allura?” Romelle called, tilting her head as her girlfriend stared at the sky. Allura groaned and rolled over. “Are you feeling alright?” She asked and nudged her with her toe “Maybe we should see Coran.” She mused and when Allura huffed, sighed. “Come on! We can try to cook some recipes Hunk gave us! I've really been in a cooking mood!” She beamed.

“Lance has pretty eyes…Don’t you think?” Allura frowned and sat up “And a very nice laugh.” 

“Um…I suppose. I don’t know if Keith would like you saying that though.” Romelle told her as she crossed her arms “I’m not sure how I feel about you saying it either.”

“Saying what?” Keith called, rounding the corner. Romelle rolled her eyes as his approach and stuck her tongue at him. Keith glowered at her in return. 

“Allura sounds like she’s going to leave me and steal your man,” Romelle told him dryly and when Keith’s eyes widened, snorted. “It was a _joke_ , you weirdo. How did apartment hunting go?” She asked and pointed her fingers into a fake gun “Did you kill any good deals?” She asked. Keith stared.

“You’re the worst thing that has ever happened to me.” 

“You’re starting to sound like Adam,” Romelle shot back and Keith scowled, kicking a rock at her. “Come on – all that time on a space whale and you _still_ don’t find me funny?” She pouted and looked down at the ground “Allura…You find me funny, right?” She asked, a little hopefully as she folded her hands together and batted her eyelashes. Allura pressed the heels of her hands into her eyes and growled.

“I _need_ to end this. Too much blood has been spilled!” Allura hissed from the ground and her marking glowed. Romelle blinked. 

“Wow…Juniberry, I don’t… It’s really okay if he doesn’t find me funny.” She objected and knelt down “Are you sure you’re feeling okay?” She asked and Allura groaned, rolling onto her side and curling into a small ball. Romelle grabbed her arm, eyes wide as she looked up at Keith. Allura gave a shaky breath.

“She must _pay_ for what she has done! It is the only way to end this!” 

“Right… Keith?” Romelle said, looking up. Keith was already kneeling down to swoop her up. Allura groaned as she was moved, but didn’t say much else. Romelle trailed behind, attempting to braid Allura’s hair as they walked.

“Today is the weirdest day ever.” Keith muttered.

* * *

“So…You’re going to start a galactic kitchen?” Pidge asked, wiping lasagna from her face (compliments of Keith and his temper). “Seems legit.”

Hunk handed her another napkin, grimacing as she continued to try and get the mixture of food and chocolate milk off of her. The place where Keith had occupied a thirty minutes earlier was now filled with an irritated looking Kinkade. He was silently tossing the napkins to the side as Pidge wiped them off. Occasionally, he froze in the middle of the action, staring at Pidge for a few moments before continuing his quest to get his friend clean. 

"Um... You're Katie Holt, right?" He asked suddenly and Pidge froze.

"What? Ryan - we've known each other for years." She said and Kinkade's expression faltered for a moment before clearing again. They stared at one another.

"Right...Sorry, I'm in a weird mood." He said slowly and glanced over to Hunk "Your kitchen idea sounds lovely."

“You think?” Hunk asked “I feel like it can bring people together and stuff. Maybe I can double as a diplomat? I can probably get Romelle and Shay as my cooks!” He added eagerly, posing his fingers as if he were framing a shot. Pidge rose an eyebrow, dabbing at some sauce on her shirt.

“I mean...Romelle or Shay have shown no interest in cooking, but whatever. Maybe they'll like it.” She offered before clearly giving up on getting herself fully clean. She leaned up against Ryan's shoulder, yawning. Hunk continued his thoughts, wringing his hands together as he spoke.

“It’s a good idea then? I was going to leave my days a mob boss behind me…” 

“Dude, I don’t want to alarm you…But I think you can just be a legal business owner now.” Pidge told him, rubbing her eyes. Hunk pursed his lips. 

“Oh. That’s…Huh.” Hunk said thoughtfully, tapping his upper lip “I didn’t really plan for this. I guess I kind of got used to breaking the rules for the greater good.” He said and Pidge snorted.

“Don’t tell me you _want_ to keep breaking the law.” 

“Listen. I’m just saying-”

“Forget the Galra. You were the real villain all along.”

“No. No - listen... You can't say that because my moms would be sad and they still don't know I'm a mob boss. I think my dad knows, but only because I sold him weed this one time." Hunk mused and Pidge spat out her drink, drenching Hunk on the other side of the table. Kinkade leaned away. _  
_

"You sold your own father weed?!" Pidge gasped "Dude. Why?" She demanded as Hunk grimaced and grabbed some more napkins to wipe away the milk on his face.

"I don't know," He said "The priest said-"

"You sold weed to a priest?"

"Uh. No. But he did bless it."

"You...Sold blessed weed? Hunk, you're not even a Christian. Isn't weed the 'devil's lettuce' or something? I'm so confused."

"I don't know... It felt right at the time."

* * *

“Hey, what are you doing out here?”

Allura looked over from where her feet were dangling over the edge of the building. For a second her eyes widened as Lance took a few more steps towards her, his gaze following the sunset she was watching.

“Lance,” She greeted and smiled “I thought I would be alone up here.”

“Yeah, well… I need a break from everything. It’s been so weird lately. Keith is talking about the galras needing a new leader, Shiro is really upset about glasses and Adam really wants to murder this random guy.” He added with a roll of his eyes and gestured beside her “Can I sit?” He asked and she nodded.

“Things are…Very different here.” She said after a few seconds of silence “Are you happy?” She asked, tilting her head and Lance furrowed his brows. _Happy_? What…?

“Of course,” He frowned “Are you?” He asked and Allura’s smile flickered as she looked down at her hands. They were sitting at on the roof of one of the taller buildings in the Garrison. It towered over the desert, making the plants and buildings look a bit like dots and smudges.

“I am… Satisfied.” She decided and looked up towards the sky. The sun basked over them, making her hair flicker gold “Tell me about Keith.”

“You’re acting weird,” Lance said, leaning back so he was propped up on his elbows “You know Keith – kind of moody? Black hair, dark eyes, throws a lot of temper tantrums?” He said. Allura peered over at him, eyes searching.

“And you love him?”

Lance stared. Where was this _coming_ from?

“More than anything.” He answered and Allura pursed her lips at that. He wanted to ask if she was surprised – she often complained they were too in love. A bit hypocritical considering her and Romelle were _just_ as a gross. “Do you love Romelle?” He asked.

“Romelle…” She repeated and closed her eyes “Sometimes I feel very blind.”

“Why?”

“I suppose there are options that are there,” Allura told him “But simply don’t happen. I must be somewhere where they did.” She told him and then shook her head “But… I’m not sure if I regret anything. Falling in love was a privilege after all.” She said and Lance stared.

“I…I’m kind of lost, Allura.” He said “Maybe we should go inside. It’s a bit hot out here and you aren’t making much sense.” He said “Or this weird day could be the cause, I guess. Coran says he thinks our reality is being messed with.” He shrugged and Allura chuckled.

“Do you want to know a secret?” She asked and Lance raised his eyebrows. He wasn’t sure. Quite honestly, he was a little scared. “I’ve been traveling through realities.” She said and Lance reeled back. Right. Definitely crazy. How was he supposed to get her back inside?

“Oh…That’s nice.” He began tentatively. He shifted a little towards her, reaching for her hand slowly.

“Hm. I wanted to say goodbye in all of them.” She said and Lance froze. Something in his stomach was whirling with panic. Allura’s eyes turned to him, soft and beautiful as ever. “I’ll miss you.”

“Allura. Stop it.” Lance said “You’re scaring me.”

“Keith will make you happy.” She said confidently “He does in many other universes.” She mused “I hope I can find just as many where I make you smile like that.”

Hello. Police? Someone? Yeah - _What the fuck was going on?_

“Let’s just go back inside. Please-”

“Lance!” Wait. He spun around to see Allura herself poking out of the door entrance, waving at him. Her hair was tied back, spilling over one shoulder while Romelle peeked out over the other. "Coran wants us all back inside. I apparently had an episode where I was hallucinating so he wants to keep an eye on us." She called.

“Allura?” He blinked “Wha-?” He turned back beside him. No one was there. For a second, he stared at the empty space, trying to process what just happened.

“Hey,” Romelle greeted, almost skipping over next to him “You look all weird and white. Are you okay? Does Allura need to heal you? HEY! JUNIBERRY! HE NEEDS HEALING!” Romelle called. Allura was right behind her, arms crossed over her chest as she looked down at Lance.

“Are you alright?” She asked, tilting her head. Lance blinked.

“I…Yeah. I just… I think I’m dehydrated or something. I think I'm having weird hallucinations too.” He said with a shake of his head. He grabbed Allura’s offered and pulled himself up. “Hey…Can you travel between realities?” He asked. Allura rose an eyebrow.

“We have before-”

“Not like that...But by yourself? Could you do that? Without Voltron?” He pressed and Allura blinked, hand retracting a little at the question. Romelle looked between the two, uncertain.

“I’m…Not sure. I don’t think I could while fully alive, but maybe if it was just my spirit…”

_I wanted to say goodbye in all of them._

Lance nodded, not letting himself react. Before he could think of a way to respond, the door opened again, this time revealing a tattered looking Keith.

“Can we have dinner now?” He asked weakly “We can start a farm – two. We can have two farms and cows and whatever just _please_ come to dinner and make Adam stop talking to me. He’s trying to fight that man and I can’t take listening to it anymore.” He said and Lance snorted, crossing his arms.

“I’m not really in the farming mood anymore…”

Keith stared.

“I literally just bought a farm so please take that back.”

“Oh. Um…That’s actually so sweet,” Lance told him, oddly touched. He made a note to bring that up next time Adam tried to compete with him over who had the best significant other. “Well…We can donate it? You were talking about charity earlier…”

“You are so fucking lucky I love you.” He whined and Romelle patted him on the back. The snickering took away any sympathy she might have been trying to convey. Lance shook his head.

“I love you too…I’ll be down in a second, okay? Just need to do something up here real fast.” He promised. Allura frowned at him, but nodded. She grabbed Romelle’s hand and tugged her back down the stairwell after giving Lance another long look. Keith tilted his head, but nodded. He moved to turn away, but paused before taking a few steps towards Lance and kissing him before exiting behind the Alteans.

According to Slav there were countless realities… He would be a fool to think that all of them would be happy. He wondered what the chances were that this one would be his. From somewhere in the back of his mind he could feel Blue’s old connection to him spike up. There was a sharp pang – almost as if the lion was trying to convey its pain. Lance breathed it in, shocked at the force of it. When it simmered down he shook his head, turning away from the roof before freezing.

Lance stood still for a few moments – almost wishing for the figure to come back. The wind only blew and Lance’s heart seemed to squeeze at the silence.

“Goodbye, Allura.” He whispered and turned away.

* * *

“Hey…Takashi?” Adam said as he walked into the room “There’s something I need to talk to you about.” He said and set down a cup of coffee between them. Shiro frowned, looking up at his husband with a brow raised. For a few moments there was silence.

“Adam…?”

“You know all this talk of alternate universes?” He asked, folding his fingers together. Shiro nodded and reached over to interlock their fingers. Adam sighed.

“What about it?”

“I think in a different reality you died and Curtis and I got married.” Adam said and held up a hand “Before you say anything, know that I’m sure in whatever universe this was that I waited at _least_ ten years to properly mourn your death. Obviously, Curtis fell in love with me the second he laid eyes on me, but I wouldn’t let anything happen because I was so distraught with grief. I would imagine you came down from the afterlife to give me your blessing before disappearing forever.” He finished and paused “I just thought you should know.”

Shiro stared.

“Funny. I was going to tell you that I thought Curtis married _me_ in an alternate universe.” He said and Adam gasped “Oh come on! You just said-”

“The _disrespect –_ do you even love me?!”

“Adam.” Shiro said and the other man puckered out his lips before reaching across the table and pulling the coffee he had brought back towards him. Shiro snorted, but said nothing as he watched his husband struggle with the information for a moment.

“Well… You would still love me the most, right? In secret, obviously. I guess it makes sense. You would move onto Curtis after I disappeared into the stars and you would never forget me – but in a desperate attempt to move on you agreed to one date with Curtis. Eventually, you realized you were stuck in the relationship and-”

“I’m sure Curtis and I are very happy together in our alternate universe somewhere.”

“You are so goddamn _mean,_ Takashi.”

"Come on, Adam. I'm in love with you in every universe. We just probably meet each other in a million different ways. Coffee shops, normal high schools, tattoo parlors, Hogwarts-"

"Damnit! Why couldn't we be in the Hogwarts universe?! That would have been _awesome_! I would be the best Ravenclaw and you are _definitely_ a Hufflepuff... I would have saved you from getting picked on by some Slytherins and it would have been love at first sight!" Adam said, eyes widening in excitement.

"You think?"

"Oh definitely. Trust me. I know my Hogwarts houses. Also, Keith would be a squib. Or possibly a Death Eater...Or maybe Voldemort's long lost child who he had with Bellatrix Lestrange, but nobody knew because I swear I think that's something that would happen."

* * *

_**A thousand realities away....** _

"You fucking Gryffindor - GET BACK HERE TAKASHI!" Adam screamed "I'm telling Professor McGongall! I - God damnit - get off me!" He whined as there was a flash of red and a smaller figure emerged from the shadows to scurry next to Takashi after detaching himself from Adam's leg. "Just you wait until Quidditch, Shirogane! I'll _crush_ you and your evil little demon!" He shouted.

"Come on, when has Slytherin ever beaten Gryffindor in Quidditch?" Shiro called, throwing a smirk over his shoulder. He reached down and ruffled the third year's hair. The boy scowled, but Adam could tell he was pleased by the action "See you, Frasier!" He called and tugged the boy's hand "Come on, Keith. I'll help you study for potions. Professor Snape is pretty tough." He told him softly and Adam was left to groan at the mess he was left in. Stupid Gryffindors. Stupid _Shirogane_.

"Hi."

"Jesus - who the Hell are you?" Adam hissed and the boy scowled at him, crossing his arms.

"I'm Lance...Your new housemate?" He asked, a little hopefully and it took Adam a second to recognize the green tie knotted around the twelve-year-old's neck. He was carrying way too many books than was probably good for him, eyes wide as he looked at him "Do you need help cleaning that up?" He asked, gesturing with his chin to the spilled potion that was simmering on the floor. "My big sister is a potioneer. She taught me how to clean that stuff!" He said with a big smile. Adam narrowed his eyes.

"Aren't you that kid that was supposed to be in Gryffindor?" He asked, remembering the drama with the sorting hat a few months prior. Keith Kogane and Lance McClain were in the only students in _history_ to switch houses. It was a well talked about event. Lance's face darkened at the accusation and Adam flicked his wand so the books levitated from the boy's arms next to him.

"No! I _hate_ Gryffindor!" He growled "They're stupid and not even that brave. I'm brave. You don't need to be Gryffindor to be brave!" He added and crossed his arms. Adam snorted. The kid's face had gone bright red and lips puckering out in dismay. The older Slytherin smirked.

"Is that so? Well you can help me take down Kogane and Shirogane in that case." He told him and stepped back so Lance could flick his wand and clean up the mess around them. For someone so young his technique actually wasn't terrible. Veronica McClain was a Ravenclaw... He shouldn't be surprised.

"I want to take down Kogane!" Lance said brightly "He's a jerk. Hey - did you know Professor Slav said there were _millions_ of realities. That means you and Shiro probably like each other in one of them. Maybe you even get _married_." He giggled and Adam snorted.

"Professor Slav teaches _divination_. He doesn't know anything." He said "Come on. I'll teach you how to actually be a Slytherin. It's a bit of a culture shock from the Gryffindors so be prepared." He informed him "And contrary to popular belief... Snape actually doesn't like us... Matt Holt - this Ravenclaw that I know - he _swears_ that Snape used be in love with Lily Potter who - wait. Aren't you mudblood?" He cut himself off. Lance sighed and attempted to grab his books from the air.

"Well... Nobody in my family but my sister and I have magic...And mama says you can't use that word!"

"Oh wow... Maybe you should talk to Professor Slav about teleporting you to a different universe. Everyone here is going to eat you alive." Adam told him and Lance sniffed, crossing his arms.

"No! Hunk said he would protect me!"

"What the _fuck_ is a Hunk?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ....Can you tell that I kinda want to write an HP au? Shiro totally lost his arm battling a dragon and Adam is a halfblood who is pretending to be a pureblood until Lance comes along and just fucks up his life. Hunk is also besties with all the house elves and they will help him get out whatever trouble he gets into. The Keith/Lance house switch was supposed to parallel the lion switch except I didn't include Allura in that cause she 100% goes to Beauxbatons and you can fight me on that. (Can you tell I reread HP when I was in the hospital? lol)
> 
> Back to the relevant things - essentially this one-shot was supposed to imply my universe was one of the ones Honerva destroyed and was brought back to life by Allura (who is visiting). That's why pieces of the canon universe are leaking in here. With that being said...this kind of shows some of my opinions on s8 and Voltron. Don't get me wrong. I love the VAs and the graphics were beautiful as always so no hate there. However, I just wasn't a fan of some writing decisions so you got some of my pettiness here (I'm a fan of satire). Nothing wrong if you DID like the writing or anything (hey. Those writers are definitely more qualified than I am lol), but I just put some of my complaints in here to cope. 
> 
> ALSO
> 
> If y'all want to listen to this series then loot1991 has recorded a podfic for Basically Homeschooled that is amazing and I've listened to it a thousand times. Here's the [link](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16936224/chapters/39794874)!
> 
> Spiralled_Fury also wrote an awesome fic that they said was based off of Basically a Secret Agent so if you wanna check that out it's right [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17124005/chapters/40272956)
> 
> Thanks for reading everyone <3


	2. Basically the Birds and the Bees

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Okay, okay!” Shiro said, voice rising. “Keith. We’re sorry. But I don’t want to be talking about this either so maybe we should just get it over with. Adam. Stop bullying him.” He said and both parties grumbled, sinking lower into their chairs.
> 
> “I know sex is how people have kids when like… The right things are involved.” Keith said, eyes focused on the ceiling. He looked so defeated that Shiro felt a little bad. “And I know it’s supposed to feel good.”
> 
> “It does.” Adam supplied.
> 
> “Shut up.” Keith growled at him.
> 
> “He’s so rude.” Adam mumbled “You’re polite, Takashi. Where does he get this rudeness from?”
> 
> “I wonder,” Shiro told him dryly. “You’re doing awesome, Keith. Anything else?”
> 
> “That is sometimes can be really, really loud.” He added and his eyes left the ceiling to glare at them.
> 
> Ah… Whoops? 
> 
> Or
> 
> Shiro tries to impart some sexual wisdom onto a young Keith. Adam makes the conversation worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First one from my tumblr! You might have read this already, but if not...Here ya go.

“It wasn’t my fault.”

Shiro stared as he put down the plate of eggs in front of Keith, trying to comprehend the sudden statement. Keith’s hands were clenched in fists, nose wrinkled as he glowered up at Shiro with all the determination the 15-year-old had. 

“What wasn’t your fault?” He asked, crossing his arms. Keith stared for a second before picking up his fork to dig into his food. 

“Uh… Nothing.”

Right… That was something Shiro wasn’t quite ready to dive into yet. He made a note of it to add the interaction to the ever-growing list of things he was going to deal with later. 

“Okay… I’m suspicious, but we have something else to talk about right now.” He told the teenager and took a seat across from him at the table. He had managed to lure Keith here with the promise of food (even hinting that there _might_ be something dairy involved), but he knew he had to work hard to get Keith to stay at the table once he realized what was going on. It was why he enlisted some… Help. 

“Oh,” Keith said and blinked a few times “Oh, um… Are you… Are you okay?” He asked, voice going a little quieter. Fuck. He fucked up. He fucked up before he even started.

“Yes! Yes, I am totally fine!” 

…Although if he _did_ have a medical emergency right now… Shiro didn’t think he would be terribly disappointed. Keith smiled weakly, but the concern was still dancing across his features as he stirred the eggs around on his plate. 

“It’s just…You’re getting older now. Not that you weren’t getting older before. You’re always getting older… People do that.” Shiro started and fuck. This was going wrong already… Granted, he had only practiced once with Adam (who had laughed at him the whole time) so he wasn’t sure what he expected. 

“Um… Yeah.” Keith frowned. 

“But you’re getting to that…Uh, age. Where you might start wanting to do…Things.” 

“Like piloting?”

“…No.”

“Fighting? Are you going to let me learn how to use to a gun or something?” Keith asked, sitting up a little straighter “Or a sword? Or maybe a-”

“No, Keith.” Shiro interrupted. How was he not catching on? Maybe he knew even less than he had assumed. Crap. He wasn’t prepared. Where the Hell was-

“He means sex.”

…Adam. 

Keith made a face at the voice. Shiro’s boyfriend was currently in the entrance of the kitchen, a smug smile hinting at his lips. Shiro scowled, but honestly… He was a little relieved he didn’t have to face this alone anymore. 

“No, he doesn’t.” Keith dismissed and brightened “Am I old enough to get a dog?” 

“Since when do you want a dog?” Shiro asked with a sigh “And no. Adam’s right.”

“Ha!” Adam said and took a seat next to him. Keith stared.

“Don’t do this.” He whispered “Shiro. Please. I trusted you.” 

“If you try to run I’m going to go to your class tomorrow and give the entire _class_ the talk.” Adam informed him smugly “Although… It would be more like me talking to you with a bunch of people in the room.” 

“I don’t want to talk to you.” Keith spat out.

“Great. I don’t want to talk to you… But I will make an exception if it means embarrassing you so much that you die.” Adam commented off-handedly “So for your sake, I would just stay still and listen.” He said and snagged some eggs off of Keith’s plate. Keith went to stab him with the fork, but Adam was too fast. 

“Shiro… Come on. I already know everything.” Keith tried weakly, gesturing to nothing in particular. 

“Really?” Shiro asked. Adam snickered.

“Whatever you learned from the Sims doesn’t count.” His boyfriend said, smiling prettily. Keith’s scowl deepened. 

“Does he have to be here?” 

“Try and keep me away.” 

“Both of you _stop_ ,” Shiro groaned “Keith, what exactly do you know?” 

“Everything!”

“Define everything.”

“It’s…Well…” Keith spluttered, face slowly turning more and more red. “You just…Yeah.” 

“Damn, Takashi.” Adam drawled “He’s right. He’s got it all down. You can definitely sell him off to the pimp downtown now.” 

“ _Adam_!” Shiro yelled and Keith squawked indignantly. He leaned in a bit towards his boyfriend and gave a sharp jab into his side “You’re supposed to be helping me!” He whispered. Adam pouted.

“I am! It’s like…Good cop, bad cop.” He whispered back. 

“Be neutral cop.”

“Ugh. That’s not what you said last night.” Adam muttered and Keith clapped his hands over his ears.

“I can hear you!” He yelled “I’m not that far! Whispering doesn’t make a difference!” He continued. Adam smirked and took a sip of coffee. 

….Why him? Shiro was actually dying. He shouldn’t have to deal with this. There should be some sort of system that allowed him to automatically use his sucky luck to get out of bad situations… Like an ‘I’m terminally ill and will die early if I have to do this’ card or an ‘I’m gay and face enough oppression without having to talk to you’ card or maybe even a ‘My boyfriend is a dick and purposely antagonizes my brother to make my life harder’ card. 

He should start a business. 

“Okay, okay!” He said, voice rising. “Keith. We’re sorry. But I don’t want to be talking about this either so maybe we should just get it over with. Adam. Stop.” He said and both parties grumbled, sinking lower into their chairs. 

“I know sex is how people have kids when like… The right things are involved.” Keith said, eyes focused on the ceiling. He looked so defeated that Shiro felt a little bad. “And I know it’s supposed to feel good.” 

“It does.” Adam supplied. 

“Shut _up_.” Keith growled at him. 

“He’s so rude.” Adam mumbled “You’re polite, Takashi. Where does he get this rudeness from?”

“I wonder,” Shiro told him dryly. “You’re doing awesome, Keith. Anything else?”

“That is sometimes can be really, _really_ loud.” He added and his eyes left the ceiling to glare at them.

Ah… Whoops? 

Shiro stumbled for a moment to think of a good response to that. He decided it was best to ignore it and go on with the rest.

“Okay. Yeah. So you do know some stuff!” He said, hoping his voice didn’t sound as daunted as he felt. Keith buried his face in his hands. “Do you know…What kind of people you might want to do that with?”

“No!”

“Well you have lots of options,” Adam jumped in with a roll of his eyes “Boys, girls, etc… You can have sex with everyone if you want. That’s usually called an orgy if it’s at the same time though. I wouldn’t recommend starting out with that. Of course, an orgy can be just a bunch of people of the same gender.”

“Adam… I think you’re jumping ahead.” 

“Oh. Sorry. So threesomes-”

“ _No_.”

“Oh my God,” Adam muttered, “Let the boy learn.”  

“Let’s start out with one person,” Shiro said dryly. Keith rose his hand.

“I don’t want to do that with anyone.”

“So if nobody else is involved, that’s called masturbation,” Adam informed him. Keith put his head on the table and screamed “Don’t worry. It’s normal. Just make sure to lock the door.” 

“I hate you.”

“Me too, kid.” Adam said, raising his coffee mug like a toast. 

“For the love of - okay,” Shiro said, pinching the bridge of his nose. He had enough for the moment “Listen. If you want to have sex with a girl just keep in mind you can get her pregnant. Make sure she’s comfortable and know it is going to be really, really weird at first-”

“And you’re probably going to be bad at it.”

“Adam… Well. Okay, yeah. You’re probably going to be bad at it in the beginning. That’s why you have to talk a lot to the other person. It’s the same with boys and anyone else. You have to talk a lot with the other person and make sure they’re comfortable and okay with what’s happening. And you have to be okay with what’s happening too. Still wear a condom even if it’s a guy - STDs are a real thing. Check to make sure the condom didn’t break afterward.”

“…You can check that?” Keith whispered, still not meeting anyone’s eyes. At least he was asking questions. 

“Uh. Yeah. You just kind of squeeze it afterward and if nothing comes out you’re golden.”

“That’s literally so gross.” 

“Deal with it,” Adam informed him. “Also, lube is a thing. Use lots of it.” 

“Right. Yeah.” Shiro nodded. Did they cover everything? Maybe. Wait. No. Fuck. “Um…Also if you’re with a guy… I think it takes longer?”

How was he supposed to know? He’s never been with anyone who had that sort of set-up.

“Longer?”

“In like…preparing everything.” He said. Keith stared blankly. Adam snorted. 

“Vaginas are made for dicks. Asses aren’t.” He clarified and Shiro choked on his coffee.

“Jesus, Adam-”

“You were being a coward about it.” He shrugged “For the record though, depending on the vagina it can take a long time too.” 

“How would you know?” Keith grumbled. Adam took another long sip of coffee.

“I was wild back in the day.” 

“Right,” Shiro said before Keith could respond to that “Those are the basics and if you have anything else you want to ask you can definitely ask us… Or me.” He said, narrowing his eyes at Adam. Keith nodded, pushing his half-eaten eggs away.

“Uh… Yeah. Thanks for…That.” He sighed “I don’t thin - what is that?” Keith asked. Shiro frowned, turning to see Adam had gotten up to grab his phone from the window, which had been propped up and facing them. “Were you _filming this_?!”

“Cross me and I’ll post it to YouTube.” Adam said, tucking the phone into his pocket. Shiro wanted to point out that Adam literally lost his phone two weeks ago before it appeared in the vents mysteriously, but figured that would panic Keith even more. 

“Oh my _god_! Delete it!” Keith yelled “SHIRO!” 

“I’m going to take a nap.” Shiro announced. He was a gay, terminally ill man with a child to take care of and a boyfriend who thrived off of chaos. He was allowed to take a nap. Maybe he would take a nap for a couple weeks and check in on everyone then. 

“Night, babe!” Adam said and shoved Keith away when he tried to launch himself at the phone “It’s already saved to my cloud, you little demon. There’s nothing you can do!”

“Just you wait! I’m going to punch you in the dick with a cactus! We’re in the desert! I can do it!”

“You’re the size of a walnut.” Adam sighed “I’m not very intimidated.” 

“Fuck you.”

“Language,” Shiro said tiredly before closing the door and collapsing on his bed. Sleep. He deserved sleep. Just a few hours…

“TAKASHI! YOUR EVIL CHILD HIT ME!”

Nevermind then. 


	3. Basically a Proposal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I swear, Kogane." He growled as he stalked out to the parking lot (because yeah, his badass half-galran space cowboy boyfriend just took the back entrance out of a Waffle House to avoid him) "When I get a hold of you I'm going to-"
> 
> "Marry me?"
> 
> Lance froze. Keith was holding out a ring, clearly a little frazzled as he tried to balance himself on one knee. Despite the fact he looked a little cold from sitting in the middle of a parking lot, he was smirking at Lance in a way that was both enraging and oddly endearing. Lance scowled.
> 
> "You asshole."
> 
> Or
> 
> Keith and Lance are proposing to one another. It goes as well as you might think (aka that time Keith proposed in a Waffle House parking lot because him and Lance are petty people)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I deleted this chapter and so RIP whatever I wrote the first time. My life is a disaster.
> 
> Also, I'm thinking I'm going to alternate between posting a new one-shot and re-uploading the ones from tumblr so you guys don't have to wait as long to get something new. That's the plan for now at least.

It was Pidge's fault.

She could deny it all she wanted, but everyone had taken a vote and it was unanimously decided that she had full blame for what was known as 'the beloved months of horror'. Matt (Pidge's one true defender in this situation) did try to point out Keith and Lance were primarily responsible for the six months of terror that reigned the universe, but ultimately... It was still Pidge's fault.

"Want to take a walk on the beach?"

Lance glanced up from where he was curled up on the couch of the living room in Atlas. They were on a simple debriefing mission which meant they were allowed to take a few breaks along the way to explore other planets and relax. The planet they were currently navigating towards was known to have beaches that resembled Earth's - for the most part anyways.

"Hm..." Lance yawned before raising an eyebrow at his boyfriend "I don't...Know," He clicked his tongue "I'm kind of tired. Maybe we should just go to bed?" He suggested and Keith crossed his arms, eyes narrowed in response.

"Really?" He asked and bit his lip "Well...I might go ahead and train in that case then. You can probably head back without me."

Veronica sighed from where she was sitting next to Lance. Looking over his shoulder, she glowered at Pidge, shaking her head. The paladin, for her part, only put her hands up in a surrendering position.

"Maybe we can do something tomorrow!" Lance suggested and Keith hummed in agreement.

"Of course!"

"Yeah!"

"You've started a _war_!" Veronica hissed. Both Keith and Lance turned to her. "Come on, it was an accident!" She added when she realized both boys were looking over. "Pidge didn't mean to-"

"It was a _miscommunication_!" Pidge groaned "You can't keep - I swear. When you each showed me the rings I _thought_ that meant you guys were already engaged. I didn't realize both of you had been planning on proposing! I should have kept my mouth shut, okay? Can we move on?" She asked and Lance scoffed, putting a hand over his chest.

"Well _I_ hadn't been planning on proposing," He said with a shake of his head "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Me neither! Definitely didn't have that on my mind," Keith added "But if I was then I would definitely do it first and better than Lance."

"I highly doubt that."

"Uh huh. Well it's a good thing you aren't proposing then."

"It's a good thing _you_ aren't proposing!"

"Perfect!"

"Great!"

"Don't make this into a competition," Veronica sighed "Please? For me? Can one of you just suck it up and...And they're gone." She sighed as the paladins each took a separate door out of the room. She looked over at Pidge, who was still typing at her computer and glared.

"Oh come on. It won't be _that_ bad." She reasoned "Lance and Keith have matured since they've been together. Surely it won't last more than a few days." She said and Veronica snorted.

Right. What could go wrong?

* * *

"Hey, babe! Look at the skywriting!" Lance called as they sat and watched the welcoming parade. Planes soared above, making smoke letters in the air. Keith ignored them, instead pulling out some shades and turning to Lance with an air of stoicism that he hadn't had since Voltron began.

"I'm blind."

"No you fucking aren't."

"Sorry. Can't see. I'm sure the skywriting is lovely though."

* * *

"Lance, guess what? Some guy gave me free tickets to _Paris_! I feel like it would be rude not use them-" Keith started as he walked into their room. They only had a few weeks until they were out in space again so he figured now was a good time to put his plan into action. Before he could continue, he was cut off by Lance's smile.

"You are so right," He said and grabbed Keith's hand "And that is so sweet and thoughtful."

"...Really?"

"I'm sure Adam and Shiro will _love_ them."

"Coward."

* * *

"I got you a new knife! It was on sale and I think something is engraved on the handle..."

"If only I could see. When will this blindness stop plaguing me?"

"You picked a Hell of a time to get a sense of humor, Kogane. I paid good money for that."

* * *

"There's a sunset out - want to go watch?"

"Oh no. It seems... It seems as if...God _no_! Your blindness is spreading to me! Keith? Keith are you there? I can't - where are you?"

"Very funny."

* * *

"I got you a glass of wine. There might be something at the bottom though so be careful."

"I don't drink wine."

"I - okay. That's fair. Let me make you some hot chocolate or something."

"I would rather die."

"You know _what_ -"

* * *

"How much longer can this go on?" Hunk groaned, burying his face into his arms "It has been. Three. Months." He groaned as the doors slammed closed. Keith and Lance had been playing a board game (He had no clue what it was - Monopoly? Life?) when Lance suddenly declared he wasn't going to pick up of the cards from the pile which he claimed looked altered from the rest. Keith had insisted he'd done _nothing_ to the card. Shiro had been called over to play referee and, well, Shiro can't lie so he just sort of sat there until Lance left the room and Keith moaned for a little while.

"Don't doubt my baby brother," Veronica said from where she sat on the couch, sipping her tea "I'm impressed Keith has kept up this long."

"Don't be," Shiro muttered as he knelt to the ground to put the pieces of the game away "I raised Keith. He's the most stubborn person I know. He even ignored me for a week because I wouldn't buy him a skateboard." He mumbled and Veronica glanced up.

"That doesn't sound so bad," She frowned "Why wouldn't you let him get a skateboard?"

"Because that was _last week_!" Shiro said, throwing up his hands "He has his own money. I don't understand-"

* * *

"Look at those petals... Think they lead to something?" Lance asked as they walked by one of the corridors to Atlas. It was exactly five months since this started and they were on yet, another mission. Keith stared.

"Yeah. They lead to my foot up your ass. Leave me alone."

"Wow."

* * *

"I found a weird message in a bottle - can you help me get it out?"

"Fuck off, Kogane. Pidge has smaller fingers. Do you take me for a fool?"

" _Work with me, damnit_!"

* * *

"We're going to die like this." Allura muttered "I _hate_ human courting systems. They're stupid."

"No. Lance and Keith are stupid." Pidge corrected her "Trust me, there's a difference." She told her and looked to where Lance was fiddling with his phone "But...They have been on separate missions for a few weeks now...Maybe they'll call it a truce?" She asked, tilting her head to the side. The phone in Lance's hand rang and immediately he accepted the call, smiling as he put it on speaker and brought the phone closer to where Allura and Pidge were sitting expectantly.

"Hey! Are you almost here?" He asked and Keith's voice laughed.

"Yeah. Maybe about ten minutes away."

"Awesome! Maybe we can go for a movie tonight or something," Lance said and there was a pause on the other end of the line.

"Movie...?" Keith repeated, voice growing slow with askance "Just us?"

"Well...I mean, do you guys want to go?" Lance asked the girls.

"I don't know," Pidge said "What movie?"

"I might be too tired." Keith interrupted and Lance scowled at the phone "Maybe tomorrow or-"

"Nope. Nope, nope, nope. I'm exhausted. Keith, come on. Can't you just let me win this?" He begged and slammed his head into the counter "It has been six months. Six. We could have been six months closer to getting _married_ , you idiot." He said and Keith gave a small indignant noise from the other end of the line.

"Excuse - why can't _you_ just let _me_ win?" He asked and Lance glowered at the phone. "I mean... I think it's obvious we both want to be the one who gives the big proposal." He sighed "Maybe we should just get it over with."

"Oh no." Pidge whispered.

"Oh?" Lance asked "Okay. Fine. The next time I see you I'm proposing."

"Wait..."

"Oh yeah. You're getting proposed to in less the five minutes now. Deal with it, Kogane." Lance said and before Keith could respond, ended the call. Allura sat completely still, eyes wide as she looked down at the phone where it tracked Keith's car. Sure enough, he was now three minutes away. Lance nodded to himself and disappeared, presumably to get the ring. Allura continued staring at the phone.

"Uh...Lance?"

"One second - stupid mullet. He's going to be so _romanced_ \- I swear on my life."

"Lance."

"Trying to give a better proposal than _me_! I think the fuck not!"

"He turned the car around."

" _What_?!" Lance yelled and popped back around the corner. Pidge snorted. Sure enough, Keith's car was getting further away from them, the dot moving with surprising speed. "Where the fuck does he think he's going?! Oh my..." He said snatched up the phone "That son of a...of a...Galra!"

"Is this normal human behavior?" Allura asked when Lance flew out the door. Pidge hummed for a moment, stretching her arms a bit so they popped before looking back at her friend.

"No."

* * *

Keith would not say he was _proud_ to be hiding out in a Waffle House at four in the morning.

...but was he _ashamed_? No. Was he dreading the moment his boyfriend tracked him down? A little. Did he have an explanation for the waitress on why he had been holed up here for six hours after he ditched his car and walked two miles to the third (knowing he would more easily be found in the first or second) restaurant he saw? Absolutely not.

"Aren't you that kid from space?" One of the cooks asked him "The leader they always talk about? With the blue boyfriend?"

"I mean...He's not _blue_ , but yeah." Keith yawned as he coffee was refilled "He piloted the blue lion and then the red."

"Why didn't get red armor then?"

"I had the red armor."

"Why didn't you just give him yours then?"

"I - the color coordination doesn't actually matter that much," Keith said and the cook shrugged, flipping a pancake with practiced ease "Why?"

"I just thought you should know your not-blue boyfriend is outside."

 _Fuck_. Spinning around, Keith turned and winced. Sure enough, Lance was about ten seconds away from opening the door. Great. He had less than a handful of seconds to come up with a plan. He...Damnit.

"Do you have a back door?"

* * *

Lance would say his boyfriend could handle any situation. He dealt with a lot of issues. Abandonment. Death. Betrayal. Violence. War. Hell, those were just covering the basics. Keith led Voltron after his surrogate brother _died_ and came back as a clone.

One would think that maybe - _maybe_  he could handle a proposal...But apparently fucking not. 

"I swear, Kogane." He growled as he stalked out to the parking lot (because yeah, his badass half-galran space cowboy boyfriend just took the back entrance out of a Waffle House to avoid him) "When I get a hold of you I'm going to-"

"Marry me?"

Lance froze. Keith was holding out a ring, clearly a little frazzled as he tried to balance himself on one knee. Despite the fact he looked a little cold from sitting in the middle of a parking lot, he was smirking at Lance in a way that was both enraging and oddly endearing. Lance scowled.

"You asshole."

"So...?" He asked and Lance rolled his eyes. He _could_ say no... But saying no meant Keith would definitely say no when _he_ asked and. Yeah. He wasn't sure he was willing to do another six months of this.

"I - _yes_...But I'm really mad about it." He grumbled and Keith punched the air in victory before putting the ring on his finger "Whatever. Can we go home now?" He asked, crossing his arms.

* * *

"CONGRATULATIONS!"

"Congrats you guys!"

"That's amazing!"

"Finally!"

"Leave me _alone_!" Lance shouted and stormed off past where his friends were celebrating.

"Wait... I thought Keith proposed?" Adam asked, looking around "Demon texted us and said he proposed, right?" He asked and turned back to where Lance was moodily grabbing a tub of ice cream. Keith strolled in after him, smiling brightly. "Uh...Lance?"

"Yes! He proposed because he's _awful_."

"So...You said no?"

"I said yes, obviously. I love him!" Lance yelled and slammed the freezer door shut. Silence followed him as he marched to his room and slammed the door closed. For a few minutes, nobody said anything.

"What is happening?" Adam said "Have I been left out of the gossip?" He turned to Shiro "Have you not been updating me on the gossip?"

"Uh...Well. You've been really busy with Thea while we were on missions and I figured Lance was telling you... Though now I realize he probably was busy trying to win this competition and he might not have wanted to bother you-"

"I'm raising our daughter! _Gossip is the only thing that sustains me right now_!" Adam said, throwing his hands in their air "Thea can't even talk yet! I'm going crazy just blabbering on to a baby!" He said and pinched the bridge of his nose "Remind me later to yell at Alejandro for betraying me... And what the fuck did you _do_?" He asked, turning to Keith "How do you make someone angry by proposing? How do you fuck up that badly?"

"I mean...It was at a Waffle House parking lot..."

"You...? At a...? Jesus. You _do not_ have my blessing, you disgraceful demon."

* * *

"Hey."

"Hey," Lance greeted when Keith came in the room. An old rerun of some soap opera was playing as Lance continued to shovel down his mint chocolate chip. "Want to see if Sophia comes back to life in the next episode?" He asked, jutting his chin at the hologrammed show. Keith shrugged and plopped down next to him. Lance offered him some ice cream.

"Sorry we couldn't go to a movie tonight," Keith told him and Lance rolled his eyes before flicking the channel.

"Don't worry about it. I found something better to watch." He said and Keith rose an eyebrow as he turned to see the new show - which appeared to be...What?

"Is that your niece?" He asked "On...TV?"

"Yeah. I filmed her play last week. I figured we could watch it since you weren't there." He said and Keith nodded. That made sense. He generally made it a point to go to all of Nadia's performances. That and Lance would kill him if he didn't take an interest in his niece and nephew.

As usual, it consisted of not that great acting...Although Nadia had gotten pretty good. He supposed at fourteen she was starting to know what she was doing. Sylvio occasionally made an appearance on-stage. Keith knew from past experience that Nadia probably bullied her brother into being an extra in the play. An hour later, intermission had started and Keith was about to suggest they finish it tomorrow (Lance was half-asleep anyways) when Nadia popped back out of the curtain.

"Now?" She whispered and Keith could hear the crowd chuckling as someone from the audience gave her a thumbs up. The curtains slid open and _god damnit_.

"You used children to do your evil bidding?" He asked, poking Lance. Blearily, he looked up at the screen where Nadia and all the other casts were holding up a large banner that had 'Marry me?' written in red. Lance yawned and dug into his pocket, holding up a ring.

"I win." He grinned. Keith snorted and took the ring, slipping it off his finger.

"Yes...To the proposal. Not you winning. I did it first. I win."

"Mine was cuter. I win."

"That isn't how it works, Blue."

"Yes it is," Lance grumbled and looked up at him "If you admit that I win than I won't tell Adam that you _ran away_ from me earlier."

"He already knows. Keep your blackmail to yourself." Keith scoffed and paused when Lance got up to change into his pajamas. "Oh my God." He whispered.

"What?"

"We're getting _married_." He said and looked up at Lance, eyes wide with horror "Remember Adam and Shiro's wedding?" He asked and Lance opened his mouth before snapping it back shut. They stared at one another for a few moments.

"We could elope."

"You grandmother would behead me and dance on my grave if we did that," Keith told him and Lance grimaced before sitting back down "Maybe we could keep it super low profile? Nobody has to know we're engaged."

"Um...Yeah, except I tried to propose to you in _skywriting_ and you bought tickets to _Paris_. I think the rest of the world knows." Lance pointed out and Keith made a whining sound as he sprawled out on the floor, pulling the ice cream tub closer to him so he could shovel more into his mouth. "I got it. We can rent out a cruise ship and get married in the ocean." 

"Helicopters."

"Damnit."

"Wait...I have an idea."

* * *

"ALEJANDRO ANDRES MCLAIN ORTEGA!"

"Wait. Your last name is Ortega?"

"Keith... I've explained to you how Hispanic names work a million times," He sighed and sat up "WHAT?!" He shouted back and Camilla's face appeared in the doorway, face fraught with fury.

"Have you seen the TV? Have you seen what they are saying, Alejandro?!" She growled and Lance rose his hand in surrender, but his grandmother was already on her rampage, switching from Spanish to English as she lectured "Why didn't you tell me? Me? I am your favorite person, no? And now you lie to me? _Me_? How can you just waltz around and not tell your abuela important things? Why did this happen? Do we not like him anymore?" She asked, gesturing to Keith before pointing a wooden spoon at him " _I don't like you anymore_."

"Whoa! Abuela, jeez. We like Keith, okay? I just didn't have a chance to explain yet. The news is wrong... Keith and I didn't break up. We just pretended because we got engaged and didn't want the rest of the universe to know about it." He explained. Camilla stared.

"Engaged...?" She repeated and Lance held up his hand. There was a pause.

"Ah... I see...Um. One moment," She said and turned around "LUIS! CAN YOU PUT KEITH'S PICTURE BACK ON THE WALL? I THREW IT OUT THE WINDOW EARLIER!"

"She's going to kill me..." Keith laughed nervously.

"Your mom literally a galran assassin. Don't start."

"So," Camilla said brightly as she turned back around "Congratulations, mi cielo! I am so very happy for you! I will tweet it-"

"Abuela, nobody has used twitter since 2025. And _don't tell anyone_! It's a secret. Only our families and friends can know, okay? Nobody else."

"...Not even Carmen? Carmen is family."

"Your best friend from high school does not count as family."

"Tomas?"

"He's your ex from college! Why would you even tell him?"

"Pretty one?"

"Adam already knows."

"Good," Camilla nodded "Can I tell the girls I play xbox with?"

"No!"

"Pah! You're not fun, Alejandro." She grumbled and walked over to kiss his head "I'm still very happy for you even if you are holding me to secrecy against my will." She mumbled and turned to Keith "I hope you've been brushing up on you Spanish!" She sang and cackled as she turned to leave the room. The pair stared after her.

"She's going to tell everyone."

"Definitely."

"Why did we even bother?"

"I don't know," Lance sighed and collapsed on top of him "But she wasn't kidding. You got to learn Spanish. Some of my cousins can't speak English and I don't want to translate _forever_." He said and wrinkled his nose "Do you think your mom is going to try and have us follow some galran customs? Cause I should probably learn those..."

"Fighting is a galran custom. I want Adam to fight Kolivan at our wedding."

"...So the first word you should know in Spanish is no. It sounds like this... _No_. It is also my answer to what you just said."

"Fine. Shiro can fight Slav."

" _No_."

"I don't speak Spanish. Sorry."

"I'm so happy you're my fiancée, but shut the fuck up."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> P.S. I haven't officially introduced Thea on ao3 but that's adashi's daughter. Keith definitely doesn't get annoyed by how much attention she gets from Adam and Shiro. Nope. That's silly. Who gets jealous of a BABY?


	4. Basically Green

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keith isn’t jealous. At all. Nope. Not even a little. (AKA Keith has to share his birthday and is lowkey not pleased)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another from tumblr! Honestly, this is one of my faves. It was originally a birthday gift for my boi Keith. Happy late bday again! 
> 
> Context: This takes place 3 years after Adam and Shiro’s wedding and shortly after Klance’s wild engagement

Keith wasn’t jealous.

He wasn’t. Not at all. How could he be? There was nothing to be jealous _of_.

After all, jealousy meant that someone else had something that you wanted and Keith could say with a fair amount of certainty that he wanted absolutely nothing but peace and quiet and God knows nobody on _this_ planet was familiar with those words.

Let alone this… Thing. And by _thing_ he meant baby.

Which was another reason he wasn’t jealous. Who was jealous of a _baby_? Not him. If anything… That baby should be jealous of _him_. Keith could walk, talk, and sword fight. Babies can’t do any of that. Hell, a baby couldn’t even use the bathroom. Keith almost felt sorry for babies.

“Come on… Say it! Say…Dada! Papa maybe? Daddy?” Shiro cooed, swinging the bundle of evil in his arms as he walked into the room. The bundle in question made a few garbled noises in return, none of which resembled words. Keith rolled his eyes. “Hey…How about…Keith!” Shiro tried when he spied the paladin sitting at the counter, glowering at granite in front of him. “Can you say _Keith_ , Thea?” He asked.

“Adam will lose his mind if her first word is my name,” Keith told him and blew some hair from his eyes.

“I think it would be sweet. You are her godfather after all.” Shiro said and without warning dumped his daughter into Keith’s lap “And as her godfather, you can watch her for the next hour while I take a nap.”

“Watch - ? Shiro!” He objected, stumbling to grab onto Thea as she screamed in betrayal that her father basically chucked her across the room “Don’t you…Where’s Lance?” He tried, changing tactics “Lance is her godfather too!”

“Lance is at class – you know that,” Shiro called. He was right, but Keith didn’t see what was wrong with dropping Thea off at Lance’s lecture to deal with… This. “It’s just an hour. Bye.”

“Bye? You can’t just ‘bye’ me! Don’t you _dare-_ ”

Before Keith could finish there was a slam of the bedroom door followed by a horrific click that told him the door had also been locked. He took a long breath. This was fine. Totally fine.

He looked down at Thea.

It was not fine.

“So,” He said, glaring at the baby “Here we are.”

Thea bit her hand in response. Keith groaned.

Like he said before – he wasn’t jealous of the stupid baby. He just didn’t _get_ it. Sure, he had been pretty wary when Adam and Shiro said they were adopting but… That was just because he didn’t think they would have the time. After all, both annoyed Keith so much that surely they didn’t have enough hours in a day to also raise a child. Annoying Keith had been a fulltime job for them ever since he was thirteen and Keith hadn’t thought space, war, and literal death would change that.

But… It turned out they _did_ have time for a kid. A lot of time actually. All of their time.

Which obviously Keith was super grateful for. Now that Shiro and Adam were solely devoted to Thea that meant they weren’t annoying Keith. Which was fine – no, _great_ actually.

It even meant they didn’t have time to bug Keith about his birthday…Because that also happened to be Thea’s birthday.

So yeah. It was a win-win situation.

“What do you even _do_?” Keith muttered. He was twenty-four now. He fought an intergalactic war, found out he was part alien, led a team of magical, robotic lions into battle, and had a cosmic _space wolf_ as a pet. This mere _child_ posed no threat to him. “Stop that.” He added when Thea attempted to gnaw on the end of his finger.

“Ah?” She asked, tilting her head up a bit at Keith. The worst part about Thea…Was probably that she was so cute. Objectively, Keith knew she was cute. The freaking orphanage probably heard _the_ Takashi and Adam Shirogane-Frasier were coming and scooped up the cutest baby they could find because people are just _that_ shallow.

Admittedly… They also picked the kid that _did_ resemble Adam and Shiro the most. Her eyes were the same dark gray that Shiro’s were and her hair a thick light brown that came in a few months after she was born. Keith sighed. He didn’t _deserve_ this.

“That isn’t a word.” Keith told her, grumbling slightly “You know what _is_ a word? Stop. You should try saying _stop_. Because you know Adam and Shiro are going to throw you a horrible party today. They are going to make you wear an awful hat and bring out a cake with too much frosting and sing horrible songs. Then you know what? They are going to give you presents and it’s going to be super awkward because you won’t really know how to react when you open them up but I guess it is still nice of them to get you stuff…” He mused and when Thea clapped her hands was jolted back to his initial train of thought “And I’m going to be laughing in the corner because I’m so glad that it _isn’t_ me this year.” He sniffed.

Thea poked his nose and giggled.

“I resent you.” He whispered.

“I’m going to pretend that I didn’t hear you just insult the one-year-old.”

Shit.

“Lance!” He yelped, almost dropping Thea at his voice. Thea screamed in pleasure, not realizing how close she had been to death in those moments before Keith manage to snag her in his arms again. Lance was leaning against the kitchen door, arms crossed and eyebrows raised with his Garrison uniform slightly undone and messenger back over one shoulder. “Uh…hey.”

“Hi,” Lance greeted with a snort and smiled at Thea “And how are _you_ little Red?” He asked Thea and the girl perked up at his voice, screaming enthusiastically and her other godfather’s entrance.

“Why must you call her that?” Keith asked, holding her out for Lance to take.

“Because I can already tell she’s Red’s next pilot. Can’t you?” He asked. Keith stared.

“No.”

“I think she is!” Lance sniffed “Besides, _someone_ around here needs to let me call them Red. You almost cut my head off when I tried it with you.” He mumbled and kissed Thea’s head “I let you call me Blue.” He pouted.

“Because your _eyes are blue_.” Keith pointed out “And she might not pilot any lion. You shouldn’t put that kind of pressure on her.”

“Don’t play noble. I just heard you tell that baby you resented her.” Lance pointed out and jabbed at Thea’s stomach. She giggled a bit, rolling and squirming in his grasp as Lance chuckled. “I don’t _why_ you would say such a thing. Little Red is too cute to resent.”

“I didn’t say that.”

“Lies!” Lance told him “Now stop being a jealous godfather and grab some milk from the fridge to feed her.” He said and Thea mimicked him, also pointing to the fridge. Keith sighed. His life was a mess. He hoped Thea would make the complete switch to solid foods soon because if Keith had to go to the fucking breast milk bank (that was apparently a thing?) _one more time_ he was going to cry.

Because formula milk was apparently below Thea Shirogane-Frasier… Yes, he was purposely ignoring the fact Shiro was a health nut and lived in constant fear that he would somehow break their child.

“How was class?” He tried, putting a bottle in the microwave. Lance was back in the Garrison for…A second degree technically? He finished the piloting program (obviously) but went back to learn engineering now. Which was…A surprise for a lot of people, but Keith hardly batted an eye at it. He knew Lance hated being left out of conversations and their little makeshift family had a lot of smart people in it. Plus, he sometimes took the ‘dumb’ comments to heart. Keith figured the decision was a good way to boost his confidence if nothing else.

“I’m going to have to ask Hunk to explain modulations to me. Again.” He muttered, shifting Thea to his hip “I’m so lost… As always, but at least I got to brag about my _ring_.” He added and threw out his left hand as if Keith wasn’t the one who had put the band on himself. Despite that, he smiled. Keith’s own left hand was glittering with an engagement band. They probably had some time before they even set a date, but hey. Engagement. That was pretty cool.

… _Thea_ wasn’t engaged. You can’t get engaged if you were a baby after all.

“So, for Thea’s party we’re going to need some streamers. Do you think you could grab some?” Lance asked and Keith almost dropped the bottle he was testing on his wrist.

 _The fucking betrayal was unreal_.

“Um…Sure.” He got out, trying to keep his expression blank. So Adam and Shiro were one thing. But _Lance_? His own _fiancée_ was celebrating Thea’s birthday instead of his? How…. Perfect. Absolutely lovely because Keith hated celebrating his birthday _anyways_ and this was the best thing that ever happened to him.

“Thanks, babe. Here are my keys.” Lance said and dug into his pocket only to be cut off by Thea’s gasp.

“KEY!” She yelled and the pair froze.

Oh no. Oh, _fuck no_.

“Don’t.” Keith whispered and Thea smiled.

“KEY!” She shouted again and Lance’s mouth fell open.

“Adam is going to murder us.” He whispered and Keith bit his lip. How long had Shiro and Adam been trying with everything they had to get her first word to be one of them? Even Pidge and Allura were sneakily trying to train Thea into saying their names first.

Really? Key? She was going to go with _key_ as her first word!? Keith was pretty she didn’t even hear the word ‘key’ that often. He rubbed his temples. Freaking babies.

“Maybe if we don’t react she’ll stop.” Keith suggested warily.

“ _Key_.” Thea insisted.

Why them?

* * *

-

Thea’s birthday consisted of the following itinerary: Keith didn’t care, whatever, it didn’t matter, followed by a lovely serving of ‘she won’t remember this anyways so why does it matter?’ and finishing with a bit of ‘okay, she’s cute, but come on’.

It was a horrible color scheme for a baby’s birthday – red and black streamers. Really? He expected something…brighter. Whatever. It wasn’t his birthday party.

“Key!” Thea demanded when he opened the door. Warily, he dropped the keys in front of her so she could jangle them incessantly as he unpacked some of the party supplies.

“Thanks, Keith.” Lance told him, grabbing the streamers. He waited until his fiancée’s back was turned to level a cold glare at Thea. She stopped violently shaking the keys to grin dopily at him. Traitor.

“Is Shiro still sleeping?” He asked and grabbed the chair Lance was trying to precariously balance on as he put up the streamers. “It’s been forever.”

“Hm? Oh no. Him and Pidge went to pick up the cake.” Lance told him “They had to get a second one because so many people are coming.”

“I thought it was just us?” He asked. Outside of the paladins and Adam, he didn’t see why anyone else should be required to go to a baby’s birthday that was going to be really boring and not fun.

“Nah. Allura is bringing Coran and Romelle and Romelle is obviously bringing your mother and apparently my grandmother is coming and Veronica is showing up with Elena, Nadia, and Axca-”

“My mom is coming?” Keith interrupted. Come on. Krolia literally birthed Keith and she was going to forg- actually nevermind. He didn’t care. Why would he? Exactly. He didn’t.

“Keith,” Lance called and he looked up to see the paladin smiling down at him. He tugged at a strand of Keith’s hair and jumped off of the chair “I’ve never seen you act like this.” He mused and Keith bristled.

“Like _what_?”

“Adam and Shiro love you too.”

“What? What does that have to do with anything?” Keith immediately objected “That’s random.” He informed him, crossing his arms indignantly. Lance smiled again and kissed his cheek.

“I was just thinking it must have been a difficult year… It was the first one where nobody was focused only on you.”

“ _That is not true!”  
_

“Oh?” Lance asked, raising an eyebrow and Keith honestly hated him for a few moments before turning away to grab the keys from Thea.

“Key!” She demanded, looking shocked at the audacity “Key.”

“No keys,” He told her bluntly “I’m going to get some balloons.” He mumbled and looked at Thea “Happy birthday.” He told her bluntly “Stop saying keys.”

“Key.”

“You’re truly terrible.”

* * *

-

They left him.

They _left him_.

Keith had returned to find Shiro and Adam’s house completely dark and while he thought the party was going to be there… He was apparently wrong because nobody was home.

It was official. He had been replaced by a freaking baby.

“Seriously?” He asked the empty room as he walked in. He pulled out his phone, grumbling a bit as he flicked through his contacts to pick someone to yell at before flicking on the lights “I can’t believe-” He started when suddenly there was a bang and a flash of color that had Keith stumbling back.

“SURPRISE!”

Side note: Maybe don’t plan a surprise party for someone who fought in a war.

Keith dove for his bayard, almost decapitating Romelle as she popped up next to him. She screamed, almost falling back if Allura hadn’t caught her. He looked around, blinking. Once. Twice.

“What?” He finally asked, lowering his weapon.

“Surprise?” Adam repeated “Because it’s a surprise. We’re surprising you. You’re surprised.”

“I…Yeah, thanks for that explanation.” Keith shot back “But for me? What about Thea? It’s her birthday.” He pointed out and Thea giggled from where she was being held by Coran, playing intently with his mustache.

“We can celebrate Thea’s birthday tomorrow,” Shiro shrugged “She’s one. She won’t know.” He pointed out and walked over to reach up and ruffle Keith’s hair “Besides, we didn’t think you were quite ready to share your birthday yet.”

“I don’t care!” Keith objected and dodged the stupid hat Adam was trying to put on his head while evilly cackling.

“So you don’t want your presents?” Lance asked, sliding up next to him “Wow…Maybe we should go ahead and make this Thea’s party after all-”

“But I guess you already did all this work,” Keith added quickly and Romelle scoffed. He scowled at her, subtly stepping on her foot when nobody was looking. 

“Come on birthday boy!” Pidge poked his side “I got the coolest cake for you - it’s red velvet and stuff.” She said and dragged him to the table “And also you should know my present is the best. Remember that. There will be a quiz later.”

“I think my present is pretty good.” Lance objected.

“Sex doesn’t count, Lance.”

“It isn’t sex!” Lance frowned and everyone paused to stare at him “Oh my - okay, that’s like a _second_ present, but I legit bought the first one.”

“Gross,” Pidge announced blandly and Krolia kissed the top of his head as she took the seat next to him. Thea gave a sharp cry from Coran’s arms.

“Key!” She sniffed and everyone paused.

“Did she just….Say something?” Adam asked and Keith winced. Nope. He wasn’t involved in that. He turned to look at Lance, but the paladin was staring at Thea intently, head tilted a bit as she seemed to get more riled up.

“ _Key_!” She demanded and Hunk was the first to recover. He handed her some keys and shook them. Thea paused at the rattling but then scowled “Key!”

“Who taught her key?” Adam was whining “Key? Why that word?!” He muttered and scooped up his daughter “I was counting on you.”

“Key!” Thea yelled at him.

“Whoa, okay. Here you go, lion.” He said and handed her another set of keys. Thea looked at them and started to cry. “Hey… Thea?” Adam said and patted her back soothingly “What’s wrong?”

“Key…” Thea sobbed.

“Listen, I don’t know what to tell you. I gave you a key.” Adam objected and Shiro looked at Lance who was smirking at the ground. “Here go to your dad.” Adam murmured when Shiro held out his hands.

“Key!” Thea sniffed. Shiro hummed and promptly dumped her in Keith’s lap.

“What are you doing?!” Keith objected but paused when Thea stopped her crying to blink up at him and give a watery smile.

“Key!” She said brightly and buried her face into his chest.

“She’s trying to say _Keith_.” Shiro said, crossing his arms “Looks like you got yourself a fan.”

Keith stared. Well. He wasn’t entirely for sure how to react to this. Thea kept murmuring to herself, pulling at Keith’s shirt and patting the side of his face…Dear God.

This baby really did love attention,

“I can’t believe I’ve been betrayed by my own daughter.” Adam muttered “Thea? What happened?” He turned to glower at Keith “You planned this!”

“No!” Keith snapped back “I did not! Maybe if you weren’t screaming my name all the time she wouldn’t have heard it so much!” He argued and Thea hit the table as if to accentuate his point.

“Key!” She yelled.

“Thank you, Thea.” Keith told her and the baby gave a coo in response. “Although we do need to work on the ‘th’ at the end.” He added. He refused to respond to name of Key. He had standards. Besides, how else was she going to learn to say her own name?

“Adorable,” Lance said “Now let’s blow out the candles before Adam blows a vessel.” He said, eyes flicking to where Adam was scowling deeply at Keith and Thea.

“I have an idea!” Allura gasped and whispered something to Shiro, who laughed. Keith narrowed his eyes, but said nothing as they all began the horrific tradition of singing happy birthday (badly, he might add).

“Happy birthday dear…” They sang and everyone went quiet. Keith tilted his head as the room turned to Thea.

“Key!” She said, right on cue.

“Happy birthday to you!” They finished and everyone laughed, praising Thea’s contribution to the song. Keith looked at the baby in his lap and sighed.

“I can’t believe I stole a baby’s birthday.” He muttered. Thea hummed “Want to help me blow out the candles?” He asked. Thea tugged his hair in response. “Thanks.”

“Say cheese!” Adam called “I gotta add this to my scrapbook of things to blackmail you with later!”

“Key!” Thea yelled from his lap.

“Close enough.”

“When are your young old enough to fight?” Krolia was musing from beside him “I’ve been meaning to ask in case Thea needed armor-”

“Thea won’t be fighting anyone anytime soon.” Shiro quickly jumped in “Though that is a very kind offer.”

“What kind of armor?” Adam asked, mouth full of cake.

“Adam!” Shiro gasped and Keith laughed. He looked down at Thea who was sleepily blinking around, looking very close to just falling asleep in Keith’s arms. He rolled his eyes and shifted a bit.

“Happy birthday, Thea.” He murmured “I hope you’re ready to help me put up with our family.”

Thea garbled in response and Keith knew he found himself an ally.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve been asked this a few times so just so y’all know...Thea and Keith’s relationship is a lot like Adam and Keith’s except they tend to team up a lot more and Thea is the kinda kid to adore him despite him ‘not liking’ her. Keith also uses Thea as an excuse for anything wrong he’s done in his life ever. That vase he knocked over when he was 11? Oh yeah. Thea’s fault. She’s wasn’t born yet. He doesn’t care. 
> 
> So you can look forward to that at some point lol


	5. Basically Returned to Sender

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Yeah, and then there was this guy who was all like 'I'm gay! And also let me die! My leg is gone and I am no longer beautiful' and so I was basically like 'okay, that sounds fair' and then-"
> 
> "Wait...What did you just say?" Keith said, his eyes snapping up from the list. Romelle blinked at his sudden attention, pausing in braiding her hair to look over at the paladin "What did you say?" He repeated.
> 
> "Um...I ran into a dying human who yelled at me he wasn't straight and seemed annoyed that I kept bothering him?" She frowned and from the other room, there was a loud crash. Romelle stared as there was a pattering of footsteps before the door was thrown open to reveal a frazzled Lance.
> 
> "What did you just say?" He breathed out. Romelle sighed. 
> 
> "Human. Dying. Dramatic. Leg gone. Very upset. Said he would rather die than not look good. Informed me he was gay." She told them, crossing her arms. Keith and Lance looked at one another, eyes wide. 
> 
> " _Adam_ " They both whispered together. 
> 
> Or
> 
> People find out Adam is alive. There are various reactions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All of these are not chronological. I should probs mention this. 
> 
> Technically, this is set in the last chapter of Basically a Secret Agent. So some quick clarification if you guys didn’t read that (and I think I allude to something else that hasn’t been addressed yet on here)  
> -Klance and Romellura aren’t a thing quite yet  
> -Shiro is unaware that Adam and Lance know one another  
> -Keith is aware that Adam and Lance knows one another, but this is relatively new info for him still  
> -Romelle is the one who finds Adam after he crashes (which is approximately 3 weeks of him just chilling in the desert dying)  
> -the working theory for HOW he survived is that he didn’t die on impact and WOULD have died a few days later, but when Voltron landed, Black sensed Adam and was like “nah fam. You not gonna leave my boi like that” and used her quintessence to keep him alive  
> -the actual scene where Shiro/Adam reunite is also in basically a secret agent so it won’t be in this one (they’re mainly just finding out that he’s alive) 
> 
> I think that’s it...enjoy!

"Someone get Mr. Shirogane!"

Right. So here was the thing.

Shiro didn't want to be _that guy_ , but also...Come on. Let's sum up his current life experiences: Dying. Sent to space. Kidnapped by aliens. Tortured. Sent back to earth. Kidnapped by space robots. Random superhero. Dead. Clone. Alive - but in clone's body. Back on earth. Boyfriend dead. War.

It's been a _little_ rough. He felt he was justified in wanting a break. Why couldn't Griffin be yelling 'someone get Iverson' or 'someone get one of the hundreds of superior officers here who are not Takashi Shirogane'? Was this petty? Was he being unfair?

"SHIROGANE!"

Maybe if he pretended he couldn't hear then they would leave him alone. He had solved enough problems for this lifetime.

"TAKASHI SHIROGANE!"

....That was a common name right? He didn't have to turn around. Maybe if he walked fast enough he could head back inside before they could get to him. Maybe-

"ADAM IS ALIVE!"

Wait.

Shiro spun around so fast that he was pretty sure he knocked over one of the robots that had been zooming past him with his mechanical arm. Griffin was bent over, gasping for breath as he desperately waved his arm to get Shiro's attention.

"Adam?" He found himself repeating blankly and Griffin looked up, nodding as he jerked a thumb over his shoulder "He's alive? Adam Frasier? You're sure?" He asked, walking over to grab the boy by the shoulders. His heart was pounding loudly in his chest, almost deafening the answer.

"He was...When...I last saw him." Griffin said between breaths and laid on the ground "Wow. I ran a long way. I'm just going to lay down here...Can you maybe get a medic? Or...Okay bye." He murmured when Shiro stepped over him to sprint over in the direction he had gestured to. There were a few rescue teams mulling about the desert - he had no idea which one had found Adam. Desperately, he tried to find some sign of his ex-fiancée.

"Shiro!" 

"Allura," He yelled and she stepped back, eyes widening and the urgency in his tone "Griffin said someone found a human named Adam?" He asked and Allura nodded, head tilted a little to the side.

"Um. I believe Romelle did. He was a little odd-"

"Yes, that's normal for him. Where is he?" Shiro asked and Allura blinked. "Allura!"

"I sent him to the East Wing. Are you - Shiro!" She shouted when he sprinted off. "HE'S ONLY GOT ONE LEG! HE ISN'T GOING ANYWHERE!" She yelled after him. Fuck. Adam would not take well to being a leg down. Strutting around was one of his favorite things to do after all. Still, he couldn’t find it in himself to give much sympathy as he pushed various cadets and officers out of the way as he made his way to East Wing.

"Shiro!"

"Elena!" He greeted, relief rushing over him at the sight of his old co-worker "Adam. Did you hear...? Where is he?" He got out, unable to form proper sentences as he looked wildly around the halls on where to head to next.

"He's this way-" She said, pulling at his arm "They're doing some emergency surgery now. Nobody knows how he's alive. It's been _weeks_ of him in that desert..." She trailed off, leading him towards the medical section of the building. Shiro was familiar enough with it... But he supposed he had never been on this side of things. He felt a sudden stab of guilt, his stomach twisting uncomfortably. If this was how Adam used to feel after every mission Shiro had gone on...

"Breathe." Elena told him and grabbed his hand "We can only wait now."

"I want to see him."

"You can't," She said firmly and he scowled at her, tugging his hand back "Shiro..."

"I'm just supposed to _wait_ to see if he lives or dies?" He snapped at her "That's bullshit. I-"

"Adam waited in this very room for you thousands of times. If he could do it than so can you." She shot back and Shiro froze. It was a low blow and they both knew it. Her gaze softened and Shiro felt some of the adrenaline evaporate. "If he made this far... I'm sure he won't go anywhere. He's too stubborn." She shrugged and walked over to one of the plastic waiting room chairs and dumped herself in it.

"He's alive..." Shiro said numbly, still glued to the spot "I can't belie - wait...He's _alive_." He repeated, voice going a bit higher. "Fuck."

"I...Excuse me?"

"Fuck, fuck, fuck. When we had his funeral I put all of his stuff in the coffin. Oh my God he's going to kill me!"

"I...Don't think he's going to be that concerned considering he almost _died-_ "

"His phone was in there! And his favorite jeans!" He yelled and Elena paused in rolling her eyes.

"...His jeans? Not...The black ones, right?"

"I said his favorite pair! Of course the black ones!"

"Why would you do that?! He's going to kill you!" Elena yelled "Who the Hell puts jeans in someone's coffin anyways?!"

"I thought he would want them in the afterlife!"

"I... I can't believe this. If he wakes up and those jeans are gone then he's going to go straight back into cardiac arrest." Elena groaned, throwing her hands in the air "Okay...Okay, we don't have time to ask the Garrison to exhume his grave. You're going to have to dig them out before he gets out of surgery. I'll text you updates." She said and Shiro wanted to object that he should be waiting by his side, but...Well. The jeans were honestly the top priority.

"Him and I better get back together after this." He muttered and sprinted out of the waiting room.

* * *

Being a leader wasn't fun.

Keith had always known this, of course. It was part of the reason he didn't want the job. Now that he was thrust in the position he would say while there were _some_ parts of it that had grown on him, there were other aspects that still...Sucked. To put it quite frankly.

He sighed as he looked at the list in front of him, trying to keep his mind focused on what supplies they had and what they still needed. Romelle was humming in the corner, brushing out her hair as she rambled on about her rescue mission earlier. He was only half-listening to her, humming along when she paused and pretending to be interested.

"Yeah, and then there was this guy who was all like 'I'm gay! And also let me die! My leg is gone and I am no longer beautiful' and so I was basically like 'okay, that sounds fair' and then-"  
  
"Wait...What did you just say?" Keith said, his eyes snapping up from the list. Romelle blinked at his sudden attention, pausing in braiding her hair to look over at the paladin "What did you say?" He repeated.  
  
"Um...I ran into a dying human who yelled at me he wasn't straight and seemed annoyed that I kept bothering him?" She frowned and from the other room, there was a loud crash. Romelle stared as there was a pattering of footsteps before the door was thrown open to reveal a frazzled Lance.  
  
"What did you just say?" He breathed out. Romelle sighed.  
  
"Human. Dying. Dramatic. Leg gone. Very upset. Said he would rather die than not look good. Informed me he was gay." She told them, crossing her arms. Keith and Lance looked at one another, eyes wide.

" _Adam_." They both whispered together.

Keith slammed the clipboard down.

"That son of a bitch better have a good explanation for this!"

* * *

If Lance didn't know any better... He would say Keith was upset.

Keith had known that Lance and Adam knew each other. It had been a bit of an intense conversation when Keith had found Lance at Adam's grave a handful of weeks ago. In turn, Lance also knew that Adam and Keith had...A weird relationship.

Still. He thought the guy would be _happy_ that Adam was alive.

"I'm going to blow up his xbox - no his _apartment_!" Keith seethed "Oh, he's going to get it. That selfish prick. That _asshole_. He better be ready... Coming back to life like this. Absolutely no fucking manners."

"Do you think he's really alive?" Lance asked, trying to keep up as Keith marched in the direction Romelle had pointed them in. His heart practically fluttering with anticipation. He had just begun to accept the fact that Adam was...Gone. The idea that he was so close and...breathing was.... It didn't feel real at all.

"For now, maybe." Keith said darkly. "He has some nerve. Waiting this fucking long. I'm going to kick his ass." He hissed and Lance rolled his eyes. If Adam really _was_ alive then he needed to text abuela stat.

"Wait." Lance froze and Keith paused in his muttering to turn to Lance "Adam...He's _alive_. Like we're going to see him again. We're going to talk to him."

"Unfortunately, yeah."

"Adam's alive!"

"Yeah."

"Fuck. He's - he fucking _lived_. He was out in that desert for weeks after the galra shot him down from a plane! And he _lived_! What the fuck? What the _fuck_?" Lance said, a little overwhelmed as the information registered "What...How did he do that? Is this joke? How did he manage...? That's amazing!" He spluttered. Keith crossed his arms over his chest, giving a small shrug.

"I mean. Shiro literally died and had his soul transferred into his clone so I can't say I'm terribly impressed." He said, but was ignored as Lance laughed, a little hysterically and put his hands over his head.

"He's _alive_!"

"Why do you keep rubbing it in my face?"

* * *

"Adam Frasier is alive."

Pidge paused in slurping her milkshake to look at Hunk with raised eyebrows.

"Adam Frasier as in...Shiro's ex-fiancée?" She asked and Hunk nodded "The one that helped create the monster we know as Lance McClain? Who mercilessly picked on Keith and was the worst teacher in existence my first year at the Garrison?"

"Yep."

"Keith is going to be pissed."

"Yep."

"Shiro is going to be so happy."

"Yep."

"Where is he now?"

"Hospital." Hunk answered and Pidge took another long sip of her milkshake.

"Good shit. Let's go." She said and hopped from the stool. Hunk snorted and followed her out of the room.

"I was thinking we can make him a welcome back cake or something-"

* * *

"Officer Hale."

"....Captain Shirogane."

There was about two minutes of silence before the man spoke again "I...What are you doing?" The police officer sighed as he rubbed his eyes. Shiro was covered in dirt, uniform tossed to the side so he was only in a dirtied tank top and a shovel thrown over his shoulder. He was also four feet deep in Adam's grave. "This is a crime. You're robbing a grave, Takashi. You're a grave robber."

"Not quite. You see, Adam is actually alive and his stuff is in here so I kind of need it back." Shiro explained, wiping some sweat from his brow. Officer Hale shined the light from Shiro's face to where he was almost at the coffin to back to Shiro.

"And you couldn't wait to file for an exhumation license?"

"His favorite pair of jeans are in there, sir." Shiro explained and there was a long pause. 

"This...This is Adam Frasier, correct? Glasses? Loud? Has a lot of opinions?" He asked and Shiro nodded. “And his favorite pair of jeans are in there?” Another nod. "Carry on then."

* * *

"Are you okay, your highness?" Romelle asked as Allura stared at the ground, fist pressed against her lips as she furrowed her brows. 

"I...Yes. Yes, of course." She murmured and Romelle shrugged "I just am a little...Puzzled."

"Hm? Why is that?"

"I have been informed that the man you found was Adam Fraiser. He was apparently the partner of Shiro for quite some time." Allura explained. Romelle nodded. Someone had explained to her the importance to the dramatic man after Keith had stormed out of the room with Lance in tow. "I thought that man was dead." Allura clicked her tongue "But... He is alive now." 

Romelle stared.

"I don't recall bringing him back from death." Allura shook her head and turned to Romelle "Do you possess the skill of Altean alchemy as well?" She asked and placed a hand on Romelle's shoulder. There was a pause and Romelle felt her skin prickle a little as Allura's eyes seemed to dig into her. A funny twist tightened her stomach as she tried to think of a response.

"Um...Nope. Don't think this so. You...Uh, can bring people back from the dead?" She asked and Allura hummed, letting go of Romelle to tap her lips thoughtfully once more. The absence of her hand left Romelle feeling a little unbalanced. "That's amazing! I mean, I guess I've seen you do it. With Shiro, I mean. But I didn't know you did it more than once." She stumbled and internally winced. Why was she getting so weird? "It looked pretty cool." She added hastily, thinking of Allura's glow when she used the quintessence. How her marks lit up and - whoa. What?

"How is he alive...?" Allura murmured "Have I lost my memory somehow?"

"Maybe he just...Lived."

Allura chuckled.

"Ridiculous. Humans are too fragile to _live_." She said and smiled "You're very funny, Romelle."

Holy Quiznak she was going to have a heart attack.

* * *

"And what if...They _hug_!" Hunk sniffed, lower lip wobbling and Pidge covered her face hitting her friend's arm. They were sharing a pack of gummy worms in the waiting room as Lance flicked through a magazine and Keith flicked through his notebook.

"Stop it!"

"Adam probably thought Shiro was dead this whole time! And he probably was waiting to die so he can join him and then _Shiro_ thought _Adam_ was dead. Pidge, what if Adam wakes up and see's Shiro and thinks he's in Heaven?!" He cried and looked at the ceiling, eyes glistening "It's so...Beautiful."

"You're making me cry!" Pidge whined and sniffed "Do you think Adam is going to like Shiro's new arm and hair and scar?"

"Of course! It's true love!"

"And what if Adam has scars or something from his fall? They've both been through so much!" Pidge yelled "God damnit! Let them be happy!" She yelled at the roof, shaking her fist " _They deserve everything_!" She growled, wiping a stray tear "Even if Adam did miss teaching my class for half a year."

"Can you two shut up?" Keith called from where he was sprawled out in a plastic chair "I'm trying to do something here."

"Aw...Are you writing him a welcome back letter?" Hunk asked, looking at how Keith was scribbling in a notebook.

"No," Lance said as he leaned over to peer over Keith's shoulder "He's listing out how much he owes him... Apparently keeping Shiro alive costs about $3.4 million dollars and his funeral was worth $6." He said and Keith shrugged "I...You're charging him for 'emotional trauma'? From what? Him dying?"

"No. From him coming back to life."

"I honestly think you should see a therapist, dude."

* * *

"Perhaps this Adam...Is secretly Altean."

"Princess...Maybe you should rest," Romelle suggested as they walked into the waiting room. "Hunk and Pidge just went to get snacks. Perhaps we should join them?" She suggested, but Allura seemed unmoved. She sat next to Lance and Keith, arms crossed.

"What kind of ears does Adam have?" She said suddenly, poking at Keith.

"Stupid ones."

"Hmm...He must be human then..."

"Where's Shiro?" Lance asked, sitting up. "Shouldn't he be here? Has nobody told him yet?" He asked and a woman a few feet away from them cleared her throat.

"He's digging up Adam's grave to get his stuff back."

"Ms. Rivera!" Lance gasped, almost falling out of his chair. "Hi! Do you remember me? It's Lance!" He said brightly with a wave. Elena scowled at him. Lance pouted "Well... It's good to see you too." He muttered and slumped back in his chair. "Someone can hold a grudge..."

"Adam Frasier?"

"HERE!" Lance shot up "All of us - er. Well. Shiro, Pidge, and Hunk aren't here actually..." He said looking around as the nurse peered around at the semi-empty room "But, um. I'm here. Not family or anything - but...I saved the universe?" He said, voice going a little small. The nurse stared at him. "Loverboy Lance? Paladin of Voltron? Red Lion?" He said hopefully.

The nurse looked at her clipboard than back at Lance. 

“Please?” He whispered and she rolled her eyes. 

"I don’t get paid enough. Go ahead..." She muttered and Lance beamed (though he would admit he was kind of concerned about hospital security). He paused when Keith didn't get up to follow him.

"I'm going to wait for Shiro," He sighed "Besides, I don't want to see him yet. I'm still mad."

Lance would never understand that guy. Shrugging, he dashed out of the room before the nurse could change her mind.

* * *

"They aren't going to let you into his hospital room like that."

Shiro groaned, turning to glower once more at Elena before he realized she was holding out clean clothes.

"There's showers down the hall."

"I always knew you were a good person deep down inside."

"I've been your friend for years, Shirogane." Elena rolled her eyes "You and your annoying boyfriend are the reason I'm dead inside now. Remember when we first met? How young and carefree I was?"

"...You kept calling me and Adam straight."

"Listen, I'm not saying that dying inside didn't educate me. Just that I'm tired all the time and I blame you. Now go change." She said, shooing him. From the corner he saw Keith aggressively writing into a notebook, lips puckered in concentration.

"What are you doing?" He called and Keith paused. He looked from the paper to Shiro. He had a sudden flashback of a thirteen-year-old Keith making the same face when Shiro had caught him cheating in the middle of class.

"...Nothing."

The answer had been the same back then too. Shiro sighed, unwilling to even start at the moment. Keith was twenty-one. He was an adult. A grown-ass person who had led a team of heroes to save the universe. He wasn't a kid anymore and Shiro had no right to lecture him or -

"Keith Kogane, I know you aren't about to give a man who almost died a list of things he owes you money for."

Keith stared at him. Shiro stared back.

"No..."

"Really?"

Silence. Keith looked back at the notebook before rolling his eyes and dramatically putting it down on the table next to him.

"He _deserves_ it-"

"Why do is it every time Adam ends up in trouble you do this?! First when he broke his arm and then when he had the flu-" Shiro cut himself off and rose his hands in surrender "I'm going to get changed - you better not give that to him!" He said and narrowed his eyes. Keith sniffed and crossed his arms "How the Hell did you go from so serious and professional to acting like you're fourteen again?"

"Well...Looking at the timeline of things... We can safely assume Adam's at fault."

"I don't know why I asked."

* * *

Hunk was pretty sure he had super powers.

Like real super powers.

Because he somehow ended up in a hospital room thinking it was the bathroom...And somehow ( _magically_ ) it ended up being Adam's room. Honestly - he must be blessed with some kind of voodoo because that just didn't add up.

"Hey..." He said and Lance looked up from where he was sitting by the bed, having been staring absently at figure "You okay?"

"Uh, yeah." His friend murmured and shook his head "I think so. Probably." He sighed and ran a hand through his hair "It's just...Kind of a lot?" He explained and bit his lip "I can't really process it. He's here in front of me and I can't...I don't know." He muttered. Hunk took a seat opposite him. He hadn't known Adam particularly well - but he knew he was the reason Lance stayed in the Garrison. And part of the reason Lance ended up in space.

"I think there's a lot of that going around... Shiro must be having a Hell of a time." He said and Lance hummed in agreement.

"Not Keith apparently..."

"What do you mean? Keith looks super overwhelmed." Hunk snorted, thinking of their leader back in the waiting room "Have you seen him? He doesn't know what to do with his emotions." He said and Lance frowned, tucking his hands under his arms nervously as Adam shifted in his sleep, not quite waking.

"He's mad about it."

"Nah... Think about it - he was always a bit of a jerk whenever we came out of the pods. The guy doesn't know how to communicate so he just stays mad." Hunk shrugged, but Lance was already shaking his head.

"It wasn't that way with Shiro."

"Shiro is always the exception when it comes to Keith though, isn't he?" He asked. Lance rolled his eyes, but nodded. "Don't worry. Keith is just as...Excited and relieved to have him back too. In his own way." Hunk told him and Adam shifted again "Is Shiro still not here?"

"No... I have to leave before he comes in though. I don't want to explain why I got overeager to see him." Lance sighed, running a hand through his hair "I don't think now is the time to bring up 'hey - your ex and I were besties before we went off together to fight a space war'. That seems more like a dinner topic, you know?" He asked and Hunk snorted, standing up.

"If you say so. I'm going to go find Pidge. I get the feeling he's going to wake up soon and he probably wants to see a friendly face and not some kid he confiscated weed from a few years ago."

"I still don't believe that happened." Lance told him, but waved "If he doesn't wake up soon I'm going to poke him in the eye."

"Do _not_ poke him in the eye."

"Bye Hunk."

When Hunk stepped out of the room...He was in the bathroom.

Literal. Fucking. Super. Powers.

* * *

Pidge was pretty sure what she was witnessing could be scientifically described as 'a little bitch'.

Not that Shiro was little...Or a bitch for that matter. Unless it was a bad bitch - to which Shiro _may_ on occasion fit into that category. But overall the man struck her as the cuddly teddy bear who could occasionally snap your neck. Like - he _could_ kill you...but he wouldn't. Not that any of this was the point.

"Flowers, huh?" She asked and Shiro jumped, almost knocking her over as he immediately dove to where his bayard would normally be. She dodged with practiced ease, brows raised as Shiro cursed under his breath.

"Pidge!" He hissed and then seemed to regain control of himself and forced on a calmer expression "Pidge."

"Hey."

"What are you doing here?" He asked, putting down the flowers he had been looking over with way too much criticism than was necessary.

"I heard about Adam. Wanted to drop by." She shrugged and stuffed her hands into her pockets "What are _you_ doing?" She asked and when Shiro gestured to the flowers, scoffed "I never took you as the type."

"The flower type?"

"The _awkward_ type." She said and Shiro's mouth parted - not quite a gasp, but definitely offended. Pidge smiled sweetly at him. "Come on. You guys broke up and now you're sitting here thinking if it would be weird to get him flowers after we had a funeral for him. I guess in all fairness - I would be pretty awkward about it too." She mused "Especially since I kind of get the vibe that you break-up was more of a...Technical issue than a non-compatibility issue."

"Something like that..." Shiro murmured and shook his head "He might not even want to see me. Hell - I'm not sure I want to see him. I thought he died. It was supposed to be the other way. I was-" He paused and closed his eyes "You should be with your family."

"I am," Pidge shrugged "You should be with yours." When Shiro didn't respond, she slid a little closer "Rumor has it he went crazy looking for you. And Keith. But he didn't seem as enthusiastic about Keith apparently... Now I'm making an educated guess here - and I've been told I'm smart so you should go with this - that he wants to see you. And you wouldn't be over here mulling over flowers if you didn't want to see him." She said and kicked the ground "I get that it's a little weird for someone you love to just be...Back from the dead. But I can tell you from personal experience you get over it pretty fast." She said, giving a small smirk. Shiro sighed.

"Yeah, yeah. I get it. I gave everyone gray hairs." He muttered "Thanks, Pidge... I'm going to talk to the doctors first. See what actually happened to him." He mused and turned, ruffling her hair as he passed.

Freaking tall people. Thinking they had _authority_ over her hair. She scowled. He could have a pass...For now.

* * *

"Personally...I'm proud of him."

"Uh huh," Keith said, rolling his eyes as Shiro continued talking to the doctors. He didn't see _why_ Shiro was proud of the dumbass for not dying. He felt like it was pretty basic instincts for the most part. "So what exactly is wrong with him?" He asked and the doctor's eyes flicked over Keith, her lips pursing for a second - possibly at how bored he sounded. Or maybe it was the undertone of demand in his voice.

"His leg is gone - but we can probably get him a good prosthetic. The sooner we can get one on him the better," She shrugged "It will give him time to adapt and work on relearning to walk."

"Relearning?" Shiro frowned

"There's a good chance his other leg is compromised too. He was laying down, deteriorating, for weeks. His muscles look like they've weakened. We did our best re-hydrate him, but I would feel better keeping him on an IV for a little while long. At least until we're sure he can keep liquids down. We'll be moving forward to try to get him off a liquid diet in about a month." She continued and Keith could see a bit of anxiety mixing in with the concern on his friend's face.

"Alright. Well...We can do that." He said and the doctor nodded.

"He also has some pretty severe scarring. Mostly on his right side, but his eyes are fine."

"There's scarring on his face?" Keith asked and the doctor nodded. Shiro glared at him so he didn't comment any further.

"His collarbone and some ribs are broken - amazingly those are the only thing that broke somehow." She mused "He fell hundreds of feet...We're not quite sure how he managed that."

"Yeah," Shiro beamed - once again smiling as if his kid had gotten a home run at a little league game. "He probably figured out something on the way down. He's smart." He said and Keith snorted. The doctor rose an eyebrow, but nodded nevertheless.

"Well...He had some internal bleeding as well, but we caught that early. We're monitoring his kidneys now since those were hit hard in the fall, but it doesn't look like he'll need a transplant so far." She finished "The rest of it is much smaller. Right now his vitals are steady so we're keeping optimistic. If you want we can forward you a file as soon as he's conscious enough to release the information to you."

"Yes - of course. That sounds perfect," Shiro murmured and thanked the woman again before she disappeared into the maze of hallways. Shiro stared at the door.

"Do you think he's awake?" Keith asked him and his brother shrugged.

"Knowing him...Probably. He'll want to say I told you so or something as soon as we walk in." He explained. Keith couldn't argue with that logic. He didn't move towards the room, knowing Shiro should probably enter first. Lance must have already disappeared because he couldn't see anybody inside the small window that led into Adam's room. He waited. Shiro didn't move.

"Hey..." Keith called, regaining his friend's attention "He's alive."

A hint of a smile tugged at his lips.

"Yeah..." He muttered and reached for the handle "He is."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thinking maybe I should post the Pidge and Kinkade one tomorrow? For the new one I'm deciding whether or not to bring back Thea or write Keith going through puberty 2.0 (Galra version)...Possibly both. Let me know if you have thoughts lol. I also need more ideas for Hunk and Pidge one-shots. I feel like they are lacking compared to everyone else. I at least have some Romellura ideas, but Hunk and Pidge continue to be difficult for me.


	6. Basically Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What are you two gossiping about?” Jenny snapped out “I’m not finished being mad yet! You just decided to go and almost die and expect me to just be cool with it?” She asked Pidge. “I was worried sick, you know? Poor Ryan here actually cried!”
> 
> “You cried?!” Pidge yelled, horrified as she turned to Ryan who was glaring at Jenny in what could only be described as betrayal. “I’m so sorry!” She told him, throwing her arms around him tightly. From somewhere outside, there was a scoff.
> 
> “Kinkade cried?” James’ voice asked and Pidge immediately let go.
> 
> “Do you want me to go outside and hurl you up to the galra?” She shouted “You know they took Shiro’s arm because he was losing his ability to use it. Keep your mouth running and I’ll make sure they take your dick, Griffin!”
> 
> Silence greeted her words.
> 
> Or
> 
> Pidge returns to her friends. She kind of missed them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise. I'll be out of town tonight so here's today's chapter a bit early!

Pidge could not catch a break.

Theoretically, things could have gone worse. Her brother was alive. Her father was alive. Her friends were (surprisingly) alive. They made it back to Earth. All positive things that she knew she should be grateful for because there were some really, really close calls.

But honestly. The war couldn’t have waited like…Maybe a few more months? Maybe the galra could have taken a break with being imperialist assholes and let her pet her fucking dog before launching their attack? No? Okay, fine.

Earth itself was…Weird. It looked the same. The same blue skies and dry air that fell over the dusty horizon with one sun that beat down on them with unrelenting heat…But at the same time… It felt different. She couldn’t put her finger on it exactly, but something felt a little like someone had put a filter over the world. Maybe before this point she hadn’t actually seen things clearly. The thought was sobering as she tore off her helmet, eyes traveling over the Garrison walls.

“You okay?” Lance asked, nudging her a little as he walked past. Their mission was finished… But the adrenaline was still pumping, energy amplified by the fact she knew her parents were somewhere in the building…Her friends.

“Where did Kinkade go?” She asked him, turning to look at the paladin. He had been paired with Ryan during the mission while Pidge had been stuck with Keith who spent a good portion of the time ignoring James’ glares. Lance’s expression cleared at her question, eyes softening a little as he turned to look her up and down fully.

“With the other MFEs… Did you not get a chance to talk?” He asked and Pidge shook her head, shifting back and forth. Ryan had seen her, but greeted her with only a stoic nod of the head before throwing himself into the mission.

That had… Hurt. It was understandable, but… Ow.

Pidge knew she had lied. That was fair. She had lied about her identity for throughout their entire friendship…It was understandable he would be a bit miffed… But she had hoped for maybe a hug or something.

“Well,” Lance said and mused her hair slightly because he was annoying like that “You better get to him before Jenny finds you. Rumor has it that she’s been wreaking havoc around the Garrison.”

“Oh,” Pidge said, blinking slowly. Jenny. Right. That was another issue. “Has she found you, yet?”

“No? Why?”

“Didn’t you two sleep together?” Pidge asked, tilting her head with a raised eyebrow “I think she might be a little annoyed her fuck buddy decided to launch himself into space without warning.” She pointed out and Lance winced a little at that.

“With that in mind… I’m going to take a nap and lock the door behind me.” He muttered, but his eyes were drifting towards where Veronica was typing. Pidge smiled. She liked Veronica… It was like another puzzle piece to her friend put into place. She had always felt a little guilty that Lance had almost served as a placeholder for Matt towards the beginning of their time in space, but she was beginning to see she might have been a placeholder for Veronica as well. 

“Have fun,” She told him and drifted away so he could spend some time with his sister. She paused outside the doorway where she knew the briefing room was. While there was no reason to be inside, she also knew that was probably where the MFE fighters were debriefing their side of the mission. Hesitantly, she clicked the button next to door, letting it slide open with a clang.

“…during training tomorrow. For now, we need sleep.” Griffin was saying. “Good work everyone.”

“Yeah, yeah. We’re awesome. Thank you for the pep talk, dork.” Nadia said, pushing up her glasses. Ina frowned at her, brows raised before turning back to Griffin.

“You had good insights.” She told him with an approving nod. “It included over twenty percent more descriptive analysis than last time.”

“I…Thanks?” Griffin replied, crossing his arms over his chest. Pidge snorted. The noise drew their attention, the room turning towards her.

“Hey, superstar!” Nadia greeted brightly “Come to ravish us with compliments?”

“Why?” Ina muttered “We’ve graduated school. Hardly impressive.”

“We did really well on the mission!” James tried, but at Ina’s stare dropped the line of conversation and sighed “Hi Pidge.” He muttered instead.

“Hey,” She greeted “Um, you guys did do really well today. I was wondering if I could talk to Ryan?” She asked, forcing herself to look like the war-hardened paladin she was. The group turned to the other end of the table where Kinkade was sitting, arms crossed and jaw set. His eyes met Pidge’s.

“Sure,” He answered before anyone else could speak. He looked up at his team. “Get out.”

“You’re so rude.” Nadia whined as Ina gathered her things.

“No, he isn’t,” She told him “He’s blunt. It’s much nicer than when you try to say things.”

“He could at least add a please!” Nadia reasoned and Ina seemed to consider this before nodding slowly. They all turned to Ryan, who sighed.

“Get out, please.” He said and this was met with more approval. Griffin clapped him on the shoulder before Ina began poking him out of the room. A few minutes later the doors slid closed again, leaving Pidge and Kinkade alone. She sat down.

“Hi.”

“Hi.”

“Are you mad at me?” She asked, knowing he liked to be straight to the point. He rose an eyebrow.

“No…?”

Pidge stared. He was lying. He had to be.

“No?” She repeated and jutted her chin out “I lied to you,” She pointed out “I let you think I was somebody else and then disappeared for years.”

Ryan nodded.

“Yeah…That covers most of it.” He said dryly and ran a hand over his face “Do you prefer Pidge or Katie?” He asked and she threw her hands in the air.

“I don’t care. That isn’t the point, Ryan.”

“Do you want me to be mad at you?” He asked and a flicker of amusement crossed over his features, lips twitching as he stared her down. Pidge scowled.

“Of course not! But you haven’t said a word to me. You’ve ignored me and I get it if you are angry over everything, but I want to fix it if that’s the case!” She said, voice getting higher and higher as she continued speaking “I missed you and I-” She started and cut herself off.

She had missed him. She had thought she would never see him again. God, what were the chances that she had even lived long enough to see him again? The realization was crushing her slowly, catching the words in her throat.

“Hey,” Ryan’s voice suddenly called out “Hey, remember to breathe.” He informed her and when her focus shifted back she noticed he had moved so he was kneeling on the ground in front of her, a large hand closing around her own. “Pidge…” He said, tapping her hand.

“I’m okay,” She said and for the first time in a while, her voice sounded very small “I’m… Good.”

“Pidge,” Ryan sighed “You went to war. I wasn’t sure how much you changed from that. I wanted to wait until you came to me before just assuming things were going to be the same… That might have been the wrong approach on my part.” He reasoned and Pidge nodded.

“Maybe,” She said with a shaky laugh “I’m really sorry I lied.”

“It’s okay. I knew you were lying anyways. You held a panel on how to act like someone else when you first came to the Garrison. It wasn’t hard to figure out.”

“That panel was valid.” She whispered and opened her arms so he could hug her. “Space was kind of scary.” She murmured into his shoulder. It was the first time she felt like it was okay to say it. Saying war was terrifying to any of her teammates felt a bit stupid. They were living it too – they knew. She couldn’t tell her family who had already been through so much…The last thing they needed was more to worry about. But Ryan was someone who just…Accepted things without question. Who understood in a weird, distant sort of way.

“Space? Or fighting in it?” He asked and she tightened her arms around him a little “It’s okay… You’re only a kid.” He said and Pidge sighed.

“We all are.”

“Maybe,” He said and pushed her back so he could see her face. He pursed his lips before shaking his head a little. “Did they know who you really were?” He asked, jerking his head towards outside the door where Voltron was. Pidge snorted.

“I told them pretty early on.” She shrugged “You should also know your training came in very handy. I used my big dick energy against aliens. It worked very well.”

“Did it?”

“These two half-galran generals targeted me specifically because of my big dick energy,” Pidge informed him, unwilling to admit they had picked her because they thought her teammates as a soft spot for the ‘small one’. God. She was going to grow eventually. Probably… Hopefully. “I also controlled plants and stuff.”

“That sounds cool.”

“How was MFE stuff?” She asked him. His hands were still on her shoulders, anchoring her down a bit. He rolled his eyes at her question, giving her all the answer she needed.

“James is so annoying,” He muttered “And talks a lot. Nadia talks a lot too, but is somehow less annoying. I like Ina. Ina is cool.” He summed up simply. Pidge nodded.

“Well… You know Lance. He’s annoying, but I love him. Keith is kind of an emo, but I guess he has his reasons for being emo so I try not to judge him. Hunk is cool. Shiro is a dad that is always on your side.” Pidge ticked off “Allura is a badass. And Coran is… Um. Well he’s Coran.” She shrugged.

Kinkade smiled at her, letting one of his hands fall, but before he could speak there was a loud bang and the doors slid back open to reveal a very irritated looking Jenny Shaybon.

“You,” She whispered, pointing a finger at Pidge “You better have a good explanation for me, Pidge! Or should I say Katie Holt!” She yelled dramatically, throwing her hands up in the air. “You lied to me? To me?” She demanded “You know what? Forget that. I’m more interested in how come you just shot yourself up into space!” She shouted “Who does that? Was that your plan all along? To find your brother you decided to just fuck off without letting anybody know?” She yelled, “And you took Lance?!” She added.

“Um,” Lance’s voice came from somewhere outside the room “What’s wrong with bringing me?”

“Oh, you’re here too?” Jenny asked, whirling around “Get your ass over here!”

Lance shuffled into view, eyeing Jenny up and down warily as she crossed her arms over her chest, hip jutting out as she raised her eyebrows in a silent demand for an explanation.

“Hi, Jenny.”

“I’m going to smite you.”

“Is this Jenny Shaybon?” Allura asked, coming into view. Hunk was trailing in right behind her with Keith by his side. “The one Lance is dating?” She clarified and the pair turned to stare at her blankly for a few seconds as Hunk nodded eagerly.

“We weren’t dating!” Lance objected and Hunk frowned.

“But…You two…?” He started and stopped, lips puckering slightly.

“We had awesome sex…But we didn’t date.” Jenny clarified and Lance grinned, holding up a hand.

“Fuck yeah we did!” He said and Jenny smirked as she high-fived him.

“I’m still mad at you.” She said.

“Yep!” Lance told her brightly. Keith rolled his eyes, shoulders hunching a little at the interaction. Pidge leaned over and cupped a hand over Ryan’s ear.

“I’m pretty sure Keith likes Lance.” She whispered and Ryan’s eyes flicked between the two before nodding in acknowledgment before whispering lowly back to her.

“Pretty sure James likes Keith.” He murmured and Pidge gasped a little, eyes widening at the proclamation. James Griffin was an ass. Pidge hadn’t been entirely sure how she would feel about Lance and Keith becoming a thing (which, well, was a little unlikely since Lance’s eyes seemed to be glued to girls), but damn. They were better than Keith and Griffin.

“What are you two gossiping about?” Jenny snapped out “I’m not finished being mad yet! You just decided to go and almost die and expect me to just be cool with it?” She asked Pidge. “I was worried sick, you know? Poor Ryan here actually cried!”

“You cried?!” Pidge yelled, horrified as she turned to Ryan who was glaring at Jenny in what could only be described as betrayal. “I’m so sorry!” She told him, throwing her arms around him tightly. From somewhere outside, there was a scoff.

“Kinkade cried?” James’ voice asked and Pidge immediately let go.

“Do you want me to go outside and hurl you up to the galra?” She shouted “You know they took Shiro’s arm because he was losing his ability to use it. Keep your mouth running and I’ll make sure they take your dick, Griffin!”

Silence greeted her words.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought.” She grumbled and put her arm on Ryan’s shoulder. “Want to grab lunch later? I can tell you about all the planets I went to.”

“Excuse me?” Jenny called “I’m still mad over here!”

“You can come too!”

“I’m still mad, but I’m coming.” Jenny rectified and held out her arms “Come on you horrific mess of a person.” She sighed and Pidge grinned, leaving Kinkade’s side to hug her. “I’m so mad,” She muttered and Pidge hugged her tighter. “Furious, really.” She said and from behind them, there was the sound of movement.

“I got you a present,” Ryan announced suddenly and Pidge turned to see him pull something off of his wrist, holding it out to her. It took a moment to realize what it was.

“A hair tie.” She said and gently took it from him. “Like the one you gave me before.” She smiled, holding it close to her chest. Ryan nodded.

“This one is green.” He told her “Like your lion.” 

Pidge beamed. She slipped it on her wrist - right next to the pink one Ryan had given her years ago in the Garrison. She wondered when he had time to get it or if he just had a collection of rainbow hair ties somewhere in his wardrobe. She wouldn’t be surprised. His closet was rather colorful outside of his Garrison uniform.

“I got you a present too!” Jenny said and Pidge turned, eyes a little wide. Jenny wasn’t one for gifts. Still, she supposed her friend did show her soft spots in the strangest ways. She handed her an envelope and Pidge ripped it open, ignoring everyone’s eyes on her. “This time if you decide to fuck off to space again you don’t have to leave us behind completely.” She said and Pidge felt her throat catch as she looked down to see the photo of her, Jenny, and Ryan. She didn’t remember the context of the photo very well – she wasn’t even sure when they took it, but the three were still grinning wildly with Pidge giving Ryan rabbit ears and Jenny attempting to get their attention.

“Pidge…Are you okay?” Keith’s voice asked.

“Oh my God. You broke her!”

“Pidge?” Allura asked, appearing in front of her. She put her hand over the photo.

She wouldn’t cry.

“I, uh. Yeah.” She choked out. Something was tugging at her stomach, swirling and clenching wildly. She wondered if she also had an eel in her stomach like Coran. “I’m…I’m okay.” She got out, trying to remember how to move.

The Galra were outside. They were… They were at her home and there was another wave of fear that washed over her. She wasn’t done. The war wasn’t done. Jenny and Ryan and her mom… They were in danger and…

She looked down at the picture again and felt a new round of tears hit her.

She was so scared.

“Somebody should get her parents.” Lance was saying but was cut off when Pidge spun around to face a bewildered Jenny.

“I won’t let them destroy Earth!” She practically shouted, making everyone jump. “I won’t let them hurt you!”

Silence.

“Aw, Pidge.” Someone said and Jenny’s expression softened. She looked over towards Ryan who was grimacing a bit at the pair before getting up from his seat to stand next to them.

“We won’t let them hurt you either.” He informed her solemnly. She took a shaky breath and nodded, still clutching the picture close to her.

When all of this was over…She was going to make sure Ryan took a million pictures of them.


	7. Basically Grown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Fluffy..." Thea whispered and Keith swore on his life right then and there that one day...One day... He would extract vengeance on this two-year-old. 
> 
> Or 
> 
> Keith gets introduced to galran puberty. Lance doesn't know how to deal. Adam is having the time of his life. Thea thinks that her godfather turning purple and soft is the best thing since sliced bread.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> RIP Keith. I’m never gonna let him have it easy.
> 
> Warning: There's some implications of sexual content in here. If you've read everything else I've written you shouldn't be terribly surprise, but like. Just so you know. It's here.

Nobody warned him.

Nobody freaking _warned him_.

Krolia didn't. Kolivan didn't. Not Axca. Not any one of the _hundreds_ of galran diplomats he worked with every day.

Why did _nobody warn him_?!

"Keith...Come on. We're going to be late!" Lance whined, hitting the bathroom door. "We just need to pick what wine we're serving - it won't be that bad." He called and Keith felt his panic rise.

"Uh...I don't feel good!" He called back and threw his body against the door in case Lance tried to come in "You can go ahead! You have good wine tasting skills." He said, trying to keep his voice even. There was a pause and he could picture the confusion that must have been on Lance's face as he knocked on the door, slightly more gentle this time.

"Are you okay? Should we go to the doctor?"

" _No!_ " He practically screamed and clapped his hands over his mouth. What the _fuck_ was that? It sounded like two of him were speaking at once. "Uh... I just don't want to get you sick. I can stay in here. It's fine." He whispered.

"Am...Am I supposed to ignore that I just heard the voice of Satan?"

"...Yeah."

"Alrighty then..." Lance muttered "Babe, come on. I've seen you sick before! Is it some weird space sickness? Maybe we should go talk to Coran...Or I can bring him here?" He tried, voice soft as he attempted to coax his fiancée into leaving the room. Keith could feel him testing the door, trying to figure out if it was unlocked or not. Keith pressed back harder.

"Nope. I'm super good."

A pause.

"Right...I'm going to call Shiro."

" _Don't call Shiro_!"

"So am I still supposed to ignore Satan's voice?" Came the wary reply and Keith groaned, turning so he could bang his head against the door. Repeatedly.

"Fine...Fine. Just...Please don't laugh at me." He begged.

"A both terrifying and intriguing introduction," Lance muttered and Keith felt him move away from the door "I won't. Just come out and tell me what's - huh." He said when the door slid open. His lips parted slightly, but after a few seconds he put a hand over his mouth and nodded. "Interesting...Interesting...And, uh, what might you call this?" He asked.

"I don't _know_ , Lance!" Keith growled at him "It just happened! I didn't even do anything. I wasn't upset or stressed out or...I'm not even in _space_!" He said, desperately gesturing around him "How do I make it stop?!" He asked. Lance probably had even less answers than he did, but it was still nice to ask...Someone.

Lance nodded again, studying Keith over carefully.

"Um...One question. Actually...A few. Firstly, um... Is it like...Can I...?"

"If you fucking _pet me-_ "

"What? No! No, of course not! I was going to...Ask something else." Lance said quickly "I mean...Have you asked Krolia about this?" He suggested.

"She's three thousand galaxies away! She won't be back until _next week_." He moaned and tugged at his hair in frustration "And she took Axca and Kolivan with her!" He whined. Everything was so...Much. Loud. And bright. And Lance looked so _fucking pretty it wasn't even fair_ -

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Don't - Oh God. Keith, babe. Don't cry!" Lance yelped "It's okay! You don't even look that different-"

" _I have German Shepherd ears_!"

"It is even weirder to see that sound come out of your mouth... Okay. Yeah. I mean. It's a lot. But we don't know if it's permanent or _why_ you suddenly became more...Galran than usual. But don't worry. We'll figure it out. Besides, you look kind of like a teddy bear so that's good."

"I don't _want_ to look like a teddy bear!"

"Understandable. Right. How about...I call Adam and Shiro - wait!" He said when Keith opened his mouth "I call them and they can use their emergency equipment to track down Krolia, alright?" He asked. Keith frowned. The emergency equipment was...Well. For emergencies. While it could send out signals to basically anywhere in the universe it also operated on some rare, weird metal so they didn't use it that much. For that reason, Shiro was the only person aside from Iverson who had the code to activate it.

...He hoped this qualified enough as an emergency.

"Fine." He groaned and buried his face in his hands - no. His fucking _claws_.

Fuck his life.

* * *

Lance had suggested a nap would help while they waited and Keith did exactly that... Which. Well. Was nice for about twenty minutes.

"...Key?"

"No," He whispered without opening his eyes "Why are _you_ here?"

"Key."

"Leave me alone!"

"Key!"

"What do you _want_ , Thea?" He groaned and sat up, pushing Thea off of where she had been poking him. He figured this meant Adam and Shiro were somewhere in the house. Why they left their daughter to wander into the master bedroom was beyond him. Thea blinked and he realized he probably looked terrifying to her. He had yellow eyes, purple skin (with _fur_ ), big ears and claws. It was amazing she even recognized him. The two-year-old stared. He stared back.

"Play?" She asked and tugged at his hand "Play please!"

"What? No! I don't want to play." He muttered and snatched his hand back. Tragically, Thea seemed to realize the texture of his skin had changed because she crawled over, experimentally rubbing her hand up his arm. She gasped and looked up at him with wide eyes.

"Fluffy..." Thea whispered and Keith swore on his life right then and there that one day...One day... He would extract vengeance on this two-year-old.

"I hope you know how mean you are." He told her and she giggled, moving closer so that she was on his lap, tugging at his hair and ears like the evil little tyrant she was. "Ow. _Ow_!" He snapped when she yanked particularly hard "That hurts, Thea!" He said and yanked at one of her pigtails. She jerked back "See? Doesn't feel nice does it." He told her and Thea's lip puckered at that. 

"Sorry..." She grumbled. She stood up, wobbling a bit on the blankets as she attempted to kiss the top of his head "All better!" She proclaimed and immediately fell back down "Play now?"

"I have bigger problems going on at the moment. I'm literally purple." He said. Thea nodded. At least she understood the situation. Keith figured he had gotten through to her and felt a surge of triumph as she got back up, grabbing some of the sheets as she went. "Hey...Those are mine. What are you-" He started and froze when Thea tossed the sheet over his head "But Why?"

"No more purple!" She reasoned and lifted up the sheet so she could peer at him "Play now?"

"You - ugh. Fine. What do you want to play?"

* * *

"Adam, _promise_ me!"

"Come on, Alejandro!" Adam whined as he accepted his cup of coffee with a pout "You're killing my fun!"

"He was really upset about it! If you laugh at him I will kick you out of this house," Lance warned and turned to Shiro "Control him."

"I'm only one man, Lance." His friend said warily and snapped his phone shut "So... I can't justify using emergency communication because Keith is upset that he suddenly turned purple." He said and at Lance's expression held up his hands "I'm just saying! But I texted Pidge and she's doing some research right now to-"

"You told Pidge?! Come on, Shiro!" Lance groaned "We're trying to get Keith to calm down here." He sighed.

"She won't do anything."

Adam's phone beeped.

"Pidge texted me to send her pictures of purple Keith." He said and Lance gestured at the phone - his previous point made. Shiro scowled and went to open his mouth to respond when he suddenly froze, looking around.

"Where did Thea go?" He asked. His eyes widened a bit with panic as he looked around desperately "Oh my - Thea?! _Thea_!" He called out. Lance sighed. He goddaughter often liked to explore their apartment whenever she visited. He had baby proofed the place for this sole reason. "We lost our daughter! We're terrible people!"

"She's probably in the other room, Takashi. It's not like she took a taxi down to a strip club."

"What if she fell? Oh God. She could have gotten her hand caught in something or-"

"Simon says...Touch your nose!" Thea called and Shiro froze at the sound of her voice. As Lance expected, he threw himself out of the chair, almost spilling Adam's coffee as he rushed to get his daughter in his line of sight. Lance rolled his eyes and followed. "Simon says...Sing!" Thea continued as she walked across him and Keith's bed. Keith himself was sitting in the middle of a wad of blankets, arms crossed as Thea circled around him.

"La."

Thea paused, frowning at his lack of enthusiasm.

"Simon says sing." She tried again. Keith glowered at her.

"La."

"Sing!"

"You didn't say Simon says." Keith threw back at her. Thea stared. Taking a large breath she groaned, falling forward so that she was sprawled out on Keith's lap "Will you stop doing that?" He asked, trying to push her off.

"Fluffy!"

"I'm _not_ fluffy."

"Love you." Thea said and patted his cheek from where she was laying "Fluffy, fluffy, fluffy...Hi daddy!" She said brightly, noticing the three figures by the door. "LANCE!"

"Hey there, lion!" Lance greeted her as she jumped off the bed to waddle over to him. Adam took out his phone and snapped a picture of Keith.

"I'm changing your contact name in my phone to Fluffy." Adam informed him and Keith flicked them off, falling back into the covers with a scream.

* * *

So there was good news...And bad news.

Good news: It was apparently totally normal for Keith to look like a freakin fuzzy grape. Since galras lived longer than humans that meant puberty was later for that particular species.

Bad news: Keith was going through fucking puberty.

Which wasn't fair. No way. He went through the human one. Why was there a second one? What did that _mean_?

"I'm not...Really sure how it would work with a half-galra," Pidge admitted over the phone as he paced back and forth "But my guess is that it is just your galra traits developing. I don't think they'll be dominant unless you choose for them to be. The genetics are tricky... Because galras don't quite have _DNA_ as much as-"

"Simplify, Pidge." Lance said when Keith growled.

"He's going to be like...a shapeshifter."

"Well how do I shift _back_?" Keith asked through gritted teeth "I've scratched myself twice with these things!" He said, holding up his claws "And everything is so _loud_ and Thea yanked my hair." He said, voice getting caught up with emotion.

"Right...That's the other thing. Um. His feelings might be a little...unstable. So you won't be able to shift back until those traits are done developing in like...A month. During that time your, uh, hormones might be acting up again. Aggressively. Sorry." She said and Keith stared at the phone. From the background, there was a crash on the other end of the line.

"I came as soon as I heard!" Allura's voice said and Thea squealed.

"Lura!" She cooed and shifted a little closer to the phone "Hi!"

"Hello, Miss. Thea." Allura greeted with a chuckle "I heard Uncle Keith is a little moody over there. Are you watching him?" She asked and Thea turned to stare at Keith. Keith glowered at her.

"Yep!" She said. Adam snorted.

"A month...?" Keith interrupted with a growl - like an _actual_ growl. Thea gasped.

"Lion!" She yelled, pointing at Keith. Shiro covered her mouth.

"That'll be a fun one to add to the list. Cow says moo. Keith says...whatever that was." Adam muttered and Lance hit his arm "What?"

"A month isn't so bad," Allura said "When I was growing up, I remember that galras would sometimes spend a year or so transitioning. I suspect it would be less for you since you are not getting all the same traits they have. Only some." She explained "It won't be so bad... Your senses will sharpen of course, and you'll be more tired - possibly more attached to Lance. Galras are pretty solitary, but they are particularly loyal to their partners. Honerva and Zarkon are a good example!" She said, snapping her fingers "Well, uh, in the beginning anyways."

Shiro buried his face in his hands, peering over at where Keith was standing completely still.

"What's Altean puberty like?" Adam asked curiously and Allura groaned over the phone.

"Terrible," She sighed "That's when our marks start showing so it isn't exactly a private ordeal." She muttered "Romelle was telling me-" She started, but was interrupted by Keith making a choked noise of distress and collapsing on the couch.

" _Lance_!" He groaned and leaned over so he could bury his face in his fiancée's side. "Make them _stop_." He whispered and Lance ran his fingers his hair, looking desperately at Shiro for guidance. "You smell _like flowers_." He sobbed. Thea leaned over to smell Lance.

"Keith...Babe...?" He asked and Keith let out a pitiful whine. Lance turned to Shiro "Are you sure this doesn't warrant an emergency?"

"This is awesome." Adam laughed. Thea clapped in agreement. From the other side of the line, Pidge sighed.

"All of you are weak. Talk to me when you start your period and have to pretend that you got stabbed in the dick." She said and there was a beat of silence.

"Yeah, Keith. You're such a baby." Adam told him and immediately screamed when Keith attempted to launch himself over the coffee table. "JESUS CHRIST HE HAS RABIES!"

"Why are you such an _antagonist_?!" Lance groaned as he attempted to pull Keith back.

* * *

"So how are things with Keith?"

Lance glanced up at Hunk and his friend immediately took several steps back in alarm. He could only imagine what he looked like. Hair unkempt, shadows under his eyes, his face hasn't be properly exfoliated in _days_. God. He was surprised nobody had called the police on him yet.

"It's...Fine." He said and his voice cracked. Hunk slid him some cookies cautiously. Lance looked over his shoulder, making sure Keith was nowhere in sight before leaning forward a bit "Dude... I love him so much, but holy fuck. His senses are different now so everything is too loud or too bright or smells this way or that way. I feel like the assistant for some rock star diva." He groaned, rubbing his temples "And the _food_. God. He's always hungry. Always. And not for normal things either. I walked in on him eating _flour_. Just the flour. Then he tried to tell me it was powdered donuts as if I didn't see the flour all over our kitchen."

"Well...Does he sleep more? I slept a lot when I went through...That." Hunk asked and Lance scowled.

"If he's on top of me, yeah." He muttered "Which...Isn't the worst because he's actually really soft now. He gets mad if I try to scratch his ears though."

"Damnit. I was going to ask if I could pet them."

"Yeah...You'll lose a finger." Lance told him and took a bite of the cookie "Adam keeps bringing Thea over to annoy him... She is trying to get him to take her to Build-a-Bear so she can get a stuffed animal that looks like him." He snorted.

"Well, it'll be over soon."

"It's been two days, Hunk."

* * *

"You look exhausted."

"Fuck off."

"What? I just-"

"Fuck. Off."

Pidge rose her eyebrows as she looked at Lance. He was practically asleep on her spare couch an arm thrown over his eyes. She turned off her current project, tossing the processing chips to the side to spin her chair and look at him. He yawned, turning to his side with a groan.

"Why are you so tired these days?" She said "I thought you said Keith was getting better about dealing with his senses." She frowned and Lance lifted his arm to peer at her. She stared. He stared back. "Oh my God..."

"Yeah."

"How often...?"

"Like literally. Always. Always. _Always_." He groaned "I thought I had stamina. Endurance... It's honestly ridiculous what sets him off. I can't even do the dishes." He groaned and Pidge patted his leg.

"A few years back you would have dreamed of having this problem."

"A few years back I was fucking single and spent five years in space with Shiro operating as the ultimate chastity belt." He muttered and sat up "Don't get me wrong. This is fantastic and all. I'm just so...Tired..." He groaned and ran a hand through his hair "I'm thinking I'm just going to give him a laptop and some lotion and leave him at it while I take a nap." He grumbled. Pidge wrinkled her nose.

"Sometimes I wish we weren't so close."

"As one of my closest and oldest friends you must bear the burden of hearing about my sex life, Pidge. Deal with it."

"Hm...In that case... I would like to offer a question to reflect upon as you move forward in your relationship," Pidge smirked and Lance frowned at her - a little uncertain by the malice in her expression "Would you define yourself as a furry?"

"You no longer bear the burden."

"Wait...Has, like, other things changed...You know, _down there_?"

" _You no longer bear the burden_."

* * *

Keith thought he was doing a good job with dealing with this 'surprise puberty' thing.

Well. He was until he started dying.

"Ah...So it's true."

Keith groaned from where he was curled up in the bed, unable to move because his limbs decided to set themselves on fire. Scowling, he looked over to where he heard his mother's voice and growled. It was a weird feeling - growling. He hadn't been aware galras _could_ growl. They weren't dogs after all...Despite what Thea said.

"I can't move." He snapped from his bundle of sheets. Krolia walked over, brushing his hair out of his eyes before humming.

"He's not growing anymore is he?" Lance's voice asked from somewhere else in the room "He already had a growth spurt. He can't get _another_."

"No...Many galras are double jointed. His body is rearranging itself for that trait." She said and sat at the edge of the bed "I didn't think to warn you of this..." She murmured "I'm sorry."

As she should be. Traitor.

"Wait...Double jointed? What does mean exactly?" Lance asked and Krolia shrugged.

"Tie my hands behind my back and I'll show you." She said and Keith could see Lance put a hand on over his chest.

"Um... I... Alright..." He muttered and grabbed a belt thrown over one the chairs by the bed and put it on Krolia's wrists "This is kind of weird, you know. I want to throw that out there." He said and there was a loud cracking sound as Krolia pulled her arms over her head " _Yo, what the actual fuck-_ "

* * *

"Key!"

Why couldn't he just die?

Thea pulled herself onto the bed, struggling a little bit as she gripped the sheets, slipping a bit until she was able to crawl over to where Keith had been innocently snacking on some cookies Hunk had baked and watching reruns of old crime shows.

He was beginning to get to the point where he could control some aspects of his galra form. The claws, for example. He was able to to retract them which was a relief because Lance was starting to look like he lived with a very angry cat. There were also some additions to this new version of him that were more...Permanent. Like the fangs.

It wasn't like they were big or anything. You wouldn't even notice it if you weren't looking for them - essentially they were just sharper versions of some of his teeth...The real issue was that he kept biting his tongue with them and it was kind of terrifying to keep spitting out blood in front of people. Keith had tried pointing them out to Thea in order to scare her off a little, but she seemed entranced by them instead. He had to lay there for a solid thirty minutes while she simply poked her finger at them.

"What do you want?" He muttered as the tyrant in question flopped down next to him.

"Hi."

"Hi, Thea." He muttered and Thea started her incessant ritual of poking at him "Listen. One day you'll go through something similar to this and I'm going to make sure I'm there to bother you the _entire time_." He warned her "So keep that in mind." He told her, but was ignored as Thea giggled and hugged him. "Why don't you feel fear?"

"She gets that from me." Adam announced and Keith moaned "What? I want to hang out with my daughter."

"Than take her and leave me alone!"

"But then I pass the opportunity to annoy you! I'm a multitasker, demon." Adam winked and hopped on the bed. Thea shrieked when she noticed her dad, making Keith clap his hands over his ears. "Hey there, lion." Adam snorted and frowned "Who did your hair this morning? That is a terrible french braid."

"Pig!"

"Ah, of course." Adam said and Keith snorted. If he ever felt bad about being called 'Key' he simply needed to remind himself how Thea tried to pronounce Pidge's name. In fairness, Pidge had taken the name with grace and even got a new lab coat with it embroidered on it. "She doesn't even have long hair. Why would you go to her?" He asked, but Thea ignored him as tried to take off Adam's glasses.

"So Keith..." Adam said with a long sigh "Now that you're going through puberty there is a discussion we need to have..."

"Shut up."

"Your body is changing. It's perfectly natural - but what you need to be aware of is these urges that you're getting."

"I swear to God I will microwave your organs," Keith snapped, crossing his arms "Didn't you torture me with this enough before?" He asked, shuddering as he thought of Shiro and Adam's lecture all those years ago.

"Yeah...That was great... But I did tell Krolia that human sex was different that galran sex."

"What?" Keith blinked "What are you talking about? She would _know_ how human sex works, you moron. How do you think I got here?"

"Well I told her things changed a lot since then so she should probably come and talk to you about how galras do things." Adam said and put a hand over his chest "I just want you to get the best education possible! Safety is _important-_ "

"Fuck off!" Keith hissed, flicking Adam's face. The man laughed, pushing Keith back as Thea attempted to continue petting Keith's ears.

"Fuck!" She declared and they froze "Fuck Key!"

"Oh no..."

"Takashi is going to kill you."

" _Me_?!"

"You said it first!"

"FUCK!"

"Thea, baby, don't-"

" _FUCKKKKK!"_

"Oh my God...You've created a monster."

* * *

The screaming is what tipped Keith off.

That and the fact that the ever so stubborn and self-proclaimed victor of everything Adam Shirogane-Frasier was staring at the ceiling with the look of utter defeat on his face. He glanced over weakly at Keith as he entered the room, lifting a hand in wary greeting.

"I know we haven't always agreed in life, demon...But heed my words. Run from this place. Run. Don't ever look back." He whispered and Keith glanced towards the stairs, grimacing.

"What happened?"

"I wish I knew," He muttered and took his glasses off so he could rub his eyes "I'm apparently the worst person ever and don't know _anything_."

"Well...That's not _wrong-_ "

"Don't start with me." Adam said and gestured to him to continue forth "Walk over there if you're so damn brave." He said and Keith grinned wickedly back as he patted Adam's shoulder in slightly passive-aggressive sympathy before dashing up the stairs. He didn't bother knocking, instead just throwing the door open so he could cause as much chaos as possible.

"GET OUT OF MY ROOM! OH MY _GOD_!"

"Hey, Thea!" He greeted and jumped on her bed, crossing his hands behind his head "Rough day?"

"What are you doing here?!" Thea yelled as she threw all her clothes in a pile in the middle of her room. She glowered at a particular shirt and aggressively stomped on it before disappearing back into her closet "Don't you have your own kids to bother?"

"Aw, I'll always have time for my favorite goddaughter!" Keith told her brightly and grinned when she slowly leaned over so her head was visible from the closet. She narrowed her eyes, practically slitting them in annoyance. "What are you doing? Some spring cleaning?" He asked and received some jeans in his face as a response.

"McKenna Harrington said the only reason I have friends is because my family is famous!" Thea ranted "Which isn't _true_." She insisted and kicked the pile of clothes "Or at least I thought it wasn't..." She muttered "But then Danisha told the group chat that my clothes were ugly and everyone texted back to remind her that this was the group chat I was in! Do you know what that means?! That means there is a group chat out there dedicated solely to talking about how ugly my clothes are!" Thea said, gripping her hair "And my jerk of a dad won't even let me pilot until I'm fourteen which isn't _fair_ because thirteen is close enough and _you_ flew away from your problems so I don't see why I can't." She grumbled.

"My problems were being an orphan and getting kicked out of school. Not having catty friends." Keith informed her and Thea threw her hands in the hair before collapsing on the mountain of clothes.

"You don't think my clothes are ugly, right?"

"I don't know. Too much yellow for my taste." He shrugged and Thea sighed, putting her chin in her hand dejectedly.

"What do you know?" She muttered "Uncle Lance said you had a mullet when you were my age."

"Uncle Lance is a bitch ass liar."

"Oh?" She asked "The pictures say otherwise." She told him and Keith scowled. His husband was a _traitor_. Thea went silent before standing up and collapsing on the bed next to Keith. "I feel weird."

"Puberty."

"Ugh. Don't _say_ it!" She groaned and Keith snorted "It's weird!" She objected and rolled over to look at him "I just mean...I don't know. I kind of look weird now. And nothing fits right and my voice keeps making weird noises and I'm always _sore-_ " She groaned "I want to ask my friends if it's the same for them, but I'll probably just get made fun of." She sighed "After all. They only like me for my last name."

Keith frowned. This wasn't nearly as fun as he anticipated. He supposed poking Thea and calling her fluffy wasn't really an option here. Experimentally, he jab her side and she hit him back.

"Don't touch me!"

Or not. Still an option. Keith made a note of that as he watched her press her hands into her eyes, taking a shaky breath.

"I just want to _cry_ and I don't even know why!"

Damnit. Keith sighed and sat up, opening his arms. Thea sniffed, rubbing her eyes. For a second he thought she was going turn away, but after some internal debate she seemed to think better of it and launched herself at him. Maybe he would annoy her a different day. After all, being thirteen was pretty hard.

"Thanks, Key." She muttered and pulled away "Hey...Can you shift to your galran form for a second?"

"Why...?"

"It's more fun to hug you that way!" She told him "Has anyone ever told you that you're softer that way? You're so fluffy!"

Or he could annoy her now. Everyone went through puberty. She could get over it. Evil tyrant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ....so. Basically a Mother is up next. I know y’all are sluts for that one so prepare yourself 😂


	8. Basically a Mother

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “No,” Keith said stubbornly, crossing his arms. “It’s fine.”
> 
> “I told you to brush it!” Adam called from the kitchen. Ugh.
> 
> “Oh my God, mom. Leave me alone!” He shot back “It’s just hair. I don’t know why-” He started, but was cut off by a plate shattering in the other room. Linda stopped writing to look at him and Keith was left in a state of confusion as silence greeted his words. “…What?”
> 
> “What did you just say?” Adam asked, peering around the corner to look at him. Keith stared.
> 
> “That…It’s just hair…?”
> 
> “Before that…”
> 
> “To leave-” Keith started and froze when his previous words registered. Oh no. Oh no. “I didn’t mean that!” He immediately shot out, voice going high with horror “It was a joke!”
> 
> Fucking Linda wrote something down. Traitor.
> 
> Or
> 
> Keith called Adam ‘mom’ ONE time and now his life is in shambles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It is here... Enjoy
> 
> note: ao3 is being annoying and not letting it update correctly - if something looks weird then refresh it hopefully I'll have fixed it!

“Moms are the _worst_ ,” Draven muttered as he threw himself down across from Keith in the grass “They never understand _anything_ important! I just want to express myself and she is trying to get all…Ugh!” He said, cutting himself off with a groan “They are the _worst_.” He repeated in case his friend hadn’t heard him. Keith shrugged.

“I wouldn’t know,” He said “I mean… My foster moms were usually okay.” He said and Draven shook his head.

“Nah. If they don’t drive you crazy that they aren’t your mom.” He sighed “Moms are like…The people who annoy you the most, but if anyone else tries to fuck with you they get all ‘Oh no. _My_ child? You want to talk shit about _my_ child?’” He mimicked “They’ll complain about your shrine to Pete Wentz, but if someone else tries to say something about it then they get ticked off.”

Keith stared at him blankly.

“They also yell at you a lot… but if you are actually sad then they give you cookies or something. They also get on you about manners for some reason.” He said and Keith wanted to point out that he really didn’t ask, but figured that would probably be rude. “Oh! They also tell you to do shit and if you _don’t_ then they act like you’ve betrayed them in the worst way possible.” He sighed. Keith nodded. He had no idea what was going on.

“Uh…Cool.” He tried and Draven miserably looked down at his blade collection, which he had been showing Keith earlier (before his mom called and started this whole thing).

“She wants me to stop wearing so much black. Why doesn’t she _understand me_?” He moaned, burying his face into his arms “She never gets mad when _Darren_ wears black.” He grumbled and Keith tried to stir up a memory of a time when Draven’s twin brother even wore black.

“That sucks…”

“Right?!” Draven yelled. He looked like he might have gone more into it, but was interrupted by a loud honking sound. Keith turned to see Adam pulled up to the curb.

“Come on, demon. I have lesson plans to prepare!” He called and Keith wrinkled his nose and got up, dusting his pants free of dirt.

“I thought Shiro was picking me up.” He sighed, throwing his bag over his shoulder as Adam unlocked the car for him to get in.

“He got called out on a mission,” Adam told him “Trust me. I’m not excited about it either. Did you even say goodbye to your _one_ friend?”

“Oh my – really?” Keith rolled his eyes and turned back “Bye Draven!” He yelled. Draven gave a half-hearted wave in return and Keith gestured vaguely to Adam “Happy?” He asked.

“I’m absolutely riveted,” Adam told him and shifted the car into drive “Put a seatbelt on. I’m not getting a ticket because you’re lazy.”

“I was in the middle of doing it!”

“Well do it faster!”

“ _God_ ,” Keith shot at him and clicked the seatbelt in place with a bit more dramatics than he really needed to, but honestly. Adam needed to get off his back. “When does Shiro get back?”

“Friday.” Adam said, “So you’re staying with me for the next couple days.”

“Yay.” Keith muttered, “Can we get pizza at least?”

“Wha - ? No!” Adam said “There’s food in my apartment. I’m not paid a lot, Keith.”

“You’re rich!” Keith objected “You don’t need to get paid a lot!”

Adam ignored him, instead focusing on pulling in front of another car to get them on their exit. Keith glumly looked at the window. All he wanted was a pizza. If he had to spend his entire week with _Adam_ then he deserved that much.

After all. Adam was the _worst_.

* * *

“KOGANE!”

Keith fucked up. In fairness, he didn’t _actually_ mean to knock over the shelf. Griffin had been pushing his buttons (as usual) and Keith’s retaliation had been to shove the idiot away. Griffin shoved him back. Things escalated.

Iverson was _not_ pleased.

“Do you think your placement here is a game?” The older man was snapping at him “How many chances have you received? You think just because you are here on Shirogane’s recommendation that we can’t get rid of you?”

Keith wanted to point out that it would be more of their loss to cut him than his, but he wasn’t sure that would go over well.

“You don’t work hard. You don’t want to be here. You don’t-”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa.” A new voice jumped in and Keith felt his eyes snap up. Great. Now he was going to have two people screaming at him. Adam walked into the room, eyes flicking to where Keith was standing to where Griffin was saluting in the corner and finally to where Iverson was shouting, surrounded by the mess the pair had created. Iverson’s eyes narrowed.

“Excuse me?” He said, “Sergeant Frasier, I don’t think this has anything to do with-”

“With all due respect, commander. I think you have some bad information.” Adam told him and put a hand on Keith’s shoulder “Go wait outside.” He told him. Keith blinked. He glanced at Iverson, but didn’t really wait for any affirmation before slipping out of the room. A few seconds later, Griffin joined him.

“I see Shirogane’s got you a new babysitter while he’s gone.” The boy muttered and before Keith could punch him again, Adam’s head popped out of the door.

“Hey, dickhead.” He called “Go stand _away_ from him unless you want to get decked again.”

From inside the office, there was a groan.

“You can’t _call_ students that-”

“Oh, but you can tell them that they don’t work hard or want to be here?” Adam was saying before the door closed, silencing the conversation. Griffin bristled but did move away from Keith so they were on opposite sides of the hallway. Ten minutes later the door opened again.

“Come on,” Adam muttered to him and Keith tilted his head.

“What happened?”

“Don’t worry about it. You don’t have detention or anything though.” He sighed “Will you stop _doing_ this shit?”

“He started it!”

“I don’t care who started it!” Adam snapped at him “You’re going to get kicked out. And then what? You’re going to be homeless and die because you’re lazy and don’t want to be here!”

“Didn’t you just tell Iverson-”

“Don’t interrupt me!” Adam told him “Get it together, Kogane. Speaking of which, I feel the need to point out that you _still_ haven’t done the dishes.”

“I’ve been _busy-_ ”

“Getting into fights? I know it isn’t doing your homework. I ask you to do _one thing_ -”

“You’re killing me!” Keith moaned “I’ll get to it. Stop nagging me.” He mumbled and immediately winced as the words left his mouth. Adam’s expression told him it not a smart thing to say.

“First of all, Keith Lucifer Kogane-”

“My middle name isn’t Lucifer…”

“Keep it up and I’m going to shave that mullet off while your sleeping. You’re on thin fucking ice as it is. I have had it up to here-”

Why him?

* * *

So Keith didn’t cry. At all really. He avoided it like the plague. It felt gross, people often stared, it was embarrassing – there were so many reasons.

On the rare occasion that sobbing his guts out just could not be helped, he took all the correct precautions. He made sure he was alone in his room with the door closed, lights off, and cried into his pillow where nobody could hear him.

If he had been smart he would have locked the door too.

“So…I made cookies.”

“Get _out_.”

“But like…Cookies.”

“Go away, Adam.”

“I put extra chocolate chips.”

“ _Adam_ ,” Keith practically screamed into the pillow. He just _knew_ his face was gross and blotchy and he didn’t want to deal with this right now. “Get. Out. Of my room!” He snarled and there was a sigh. Tragically, the door opened wider.

“I promise I’ll leave,” Adam’s voice came, this time much closer to where Keith was suffering “But you need to eat something first. I don’t care what it is.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“I didn’t ask if you were hungry,” Adam muttered and poked his side “Come on, demon. It’s been hours. I need you to at least _drink_ something.” He prodded and Keith sighed, rolling over to glower at him through unshed tears. “I can make that horrific lemon stuff that you like.”

“….lemonade?”

“Absolutely horrific.” Adam shuddered  “Yeah. Sure. You just have to promise to drink it.” He said and Keith sat up, rubbing the remaining tears from his eyes.

“Is he going to die this time?” He found himself asking, because if anyone was familiar with the process of Shiro constantly ending up in the ER… It was Adam. “It sounded really, really bad.”

“It did…” Adam sighed and hesitantly reached out and put a hand on his arm. Keith tensed at the touch, but didn’t jerk away. “But he’s made it through everything else. He’ll make it through this too.” He said and Keith bit at his lip. “We just have to be patient.”

“I’m not good at that.”

“Clearly,” Adam snorted and squeezed his arm “But it’s something you and Takashi should work on.” He said, “Patience yields focus after all.”

“What a stupid saying.”

“I’m honestly about to shove this cookie down your throat.”

* * *

“Brush your hair.”

“I can’t find my shoes!” Keith shouted, rolling across the room to toss his jacket on, almost tripping over his own feet as he looked around the room. Once a month, a social worker typically came by to make sure… Well. That Keith was alive and stuff. It could be a stressful time. Adam sighed.

“Why do you need your shoes? You aren’t _going_ anywhere. Brush your hair so it doesn’t look like Takashi makes you sleep outside.” He drawled, sitting on the stool with a bored expression playing at his features. Keith opened his mouth to respond, but instead found himself running into a wall as he kept continuing his search for shoes.  

Adam sighed.

“I’m going to Draven’s after the social worker leaves!” Keith tried, rubbing his head “You _said_ I could as long as Shiro never finds out!” He said, pointing an accusing finger at the man. Unlike Shiro, Adam had no qualms about Keith learning to use a sword… As long as it got him out of the apartment.

“Priorities, Keith. Hair first. Shoes later.”

“Shoes first. Hair _never_.” Keith shot back and there was a knock at the door. Adam scoffed, but went over to open it. From outside, Linda waved. Keith sighed and waved back. Linda was…Nice. She had been around awhile, constantly putting him from foster home to foster home until eventually Shiro approached her and asked her to help him with the whole process of getting Keith to live with him.

“Mr. Kogane,” She greeted lightly and Keith shuffled towards the couch “How are you doing?”

“Good.” He said immediately. Adam brushed past him into the kitchen.

“It’s _well_ ,” He corrected and Keith rolled his eyes “I saw that!”

Keith _swore_ the glasses gave him x-ray vision. Linda looked between them with her eyebrows raised before pulling out her dreaded clipboard and gesturing for him to sit down. As usual, she did the typical glance around the apartment, murmuring a few things to herself before addressing Keith.

“Where is Shiro?” She asked him and Keith jammed his hands together nervously.

“Uh… He isn’t. Feeling well.” He admitted, squirming a bit “Adam is with me until he gets back.” He added quickly. Nobody ever _said_ it, but the fact that Shiro was sick put the whole guardianship thing in jeopardy a bit. On more than one occasion there had been a few people in the system that muttered about pulling him out before witnessing another death. Luckily, Linda seemed to be fighting for them.

“Ah…I see.” She said and made a note on the clipboard  “How is school? No more fights?”

And thus, it began. How was school? Did he get good grades? Making friends? What did he have for breakfast this morning? Was he excited for dinner? Did he do anything fun lately?

It would have been a normal conversation with an obnoxiously nosy person if Keith didn’t have to watch her make notes every time he opened her mouth.

“Look at all that hair!” She chuckled “Are you getting it cut soon?”

“No,” Keith said, stubbornly, crossing his arms. “It’s _fine_.”

“I told you to brush it!” Adam called from the kitchen. Ugh.

“Oh my God, mom. Leave me alone!” He shot back “It’s just _hair_. I don’t know why-” He started, but was cut off by a plate shattering in the other room. Linda stopped writing to look at him and Keith was left in a state of confusion as silence greeted his words. “…What?”

“What did you just say?” Adam asked, peering around the corner to look at him. Keith stared.

“That…It’s just hair…?”

“Before that…”

“To leave-” Keith started and froze when his previous words registered. Oh no. Oh _no_. “I didn’t mean that!” He immediately shot out, voice going high with horror “It was a joke!”

Fucking Linda wrote something down. Traitor.

* * *

If Keith thought that Adam would forget about the incident… He was wrong.

“I can’t _believe_ this,” Adam said that night as they ate dinner “I carried you in my womb for nine months and _this_ how you repay me? I literally birthed you from my uterus and you can’t even finish your broccoli?”

“I’m begging you to stop.”

What was worse was that Adam was not afraid to tell the _entire world_ about this either.

“This is Keith. My son. Who actually came from my body fourteen years ago,” Adam told the cashier the next day as they bought some of Shiro’s favorite snacks to welcome him home. Keith looked at the ceiling, feeling his face burn with embarrassment.

“I’m sixteen.” He corrected, bitterness seeping into the tone.

“They grow up so fast, don’t they?” Adam asked the cashier who was still holding out his hand for Adam to hand over the money. Keith wanted to die.

The next day was worse.

“Quite frankly, being a mother is the hardest job there is.” Adam was saying to a group of teachers in the faculty lounge. “It’s just…So much pressure to be perfect _all the time -_ ”

“ADAM!” Keith screeched as he spun around to glare into the room “Knock it off! It was an accident!” He yelled, trying to ignore the other teachers smiling into their laps as they all looked away.

“I would have _never_ spoken to _my_ mother like that!” Adam gasped, putting a hand over his chest to feign shock. Keith left to slam his head into his locker.

Shiro. Shiro would put an end to this. He had to. It was that thought that got him through Adam’s constant teasing and poking.

Sadly, his trust was misplaced.

“I don’t understand! We were so careful!”

“I hate you,” Keith said weakly, hand draped over his eyes as he laid on the floor. “I hate you both so, so much.”

“I _told_ you the condom broke! Did you listen to me? _Nooo_.”

“Why?” Keith moaned, flipping to his stomach so he could scream into his arms “Adam _stop_.”

“I thought you said you were on the pill!” Shiro cried out and gestured at Keith “How do you even know its mine?!” He demanded and Adam gave a sharp intake of offense at the action.

“How _dare_ you! I have been with nobody but you since the day we _met_! Just because you can’t commit to being a father doesn’t mean you need to insult my _fidelity_!” He cried dramatically, shaking a fist in Shiro’s face. They both were biting their lips, clearly trying to hold in laughter.

“I’m going to break your kneecaps,” Keith informed them and Shiro rose an eyebrow.

“Don’t talk your mother that way.”

“ _Why are you doing this to me_?!”

* * *

“Hey, mom. Can you pass me my bayard?”

Adam reached over to grab the weapon on the table when suddenly another hand hit his.

What?

He glanced up, a bit startled to meet yellow eyes that were blinking at him very slowly. It took Adam a full ten seconds to remember who this was… And what Keith had said.

Slowly, he let go of the bayard, ignoring Krolia’s puzzled look as Keith choked on his water, coughing in the background. They were silent for a few moments before he took a long sip of coffee.

“Sorry,” He finally offered “I was his mother before you came along.”

“Oh my God, Adam.” Keith groaned “I was sixteen. Please.”

Krolia ignored her son, instead focusing on Adam through narrowed eyes. He realized with a low sense of dread that she might be the kind of person – er, alien – who might not like the fact some random guy was asserting himself into her territory. He considered running, but before he could make a final decision, she nodded.

“You did a good job.” She said and pushed the bayard towards Keith.

Huh. He smiled a little at her, feeling the tension ebb a little. He had been a bit wary over Krolia for a few reasons – one of which is that she left Keith on Earth. Not that he _cared_ about that or anything… but she would have saved Adam a lot of trouble if she had just taken him to space.

…but maybe she was cooler than he gave her credit for. According to Takashi, at least.

“Mom!” Keith choked out, face burning. Krolia tilted her head towards him.

“Which one?” She asked and Adam laughed.

Nevermind. Krolia was _awesome_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys now know Thea...But are you ready to meet Keith and Lance's first kid in the next chapter? No? Neither are they.


	9. Basically Unexpectedly Expecting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It hatched? What do you mean it hatched?" Keith asked and Lance gave a high-pitched laugh as he gestured vaguely around him. Keith looked over at Pidge who was pressing her hands together like a prayer, obviously trying to hold in whatever reaction she was having. 
> 
> "There was a small child inside. It kind of looks like you...And me."
> 
> "Excuse me?"
> 
> "Oh my God, Keith." Lance groaned "The random egg that those weird aliens gave us hatched and there is a real child inside!" He said, throwing his hands up in the air "And I'm kind of panicking because I don't have any baby formula!" 
> 
> "Are you sure you know what it's dietary restrictions are?" Pidge asked "It looks human, but it came from an egg. Maybe it feeds on something else." She said and Lance went white, eyes widening as he leaned against the door frame, running a hand over his face.
> 
> "Oh my God," He groaned "I'm going to kill this beautiful egg child!" 
> 
> "I...What?" Keith asked numbly. Pidge walked over and clapped him on the shoulder.
> 
> "Congrats, my dude. You're a father." 
> 
> "Shut the _fuck_ up."
> 
> Or
> 
> Keith and Lance are tricked into becoming parents.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter: Do you mean _Klance being domestic_?
> 
> I'm a weak woman when it comes to these two. Enjoy them and their egg child.

Diplomacy sometimes was a little awkward.

On one hand, you can get some pretty cool stuff when someone welcomes you into an alliance. Lance rather enjoyed the candy and extravagant jewels. Keith secretly lit up when they were shown new weapons or were let in on some kind of super secret thing that nobody else on the planet knew.

On the other hand...Sometimes you got an egg.

Which...Okay. At least it was a nice looking egg. Blue with red and black designs etched into it that kind of glowed. If Lance had to pick an egg to receive as a gift he would definitely choose this one...but also...why were they being given an egg?

”To celebrate your union.” One of the aliens nodded, gesturing to the egg in question “We offer it in hopes of relishment.” 

Lance had no idea what that meant, but smiled anyways. He figured they were probably talking about him and Keith’s wedding a couple months ago. He didn’t remember adding any eggs on the registry, but maybe he missed something.

”Thank you!” He said brightly and gently took the object from them “We’ll be sure to, uh, relish it.” He told them and turned to hand it to Keith. 

“It’s huge...” He muttered and Lance stepped on his foot to shut him up “I mean thank you.” 

Right. This wasn’t weird at all.

* * *

 “I’m just saying! They’ll never know!” Keith argued and Lance threw down his bag, unlocking the door to their apartment “We have nowhere to put it anyways.” 

“We aren’t throwing a gift from our allies away,” Lance shot back as he picked his bag back up to walk inside “I asked Pidge to look into it - it could be something really important to them!”

”Yeah, but it isn’t important to me.” Keith grumbled and held up the egg. It was about the size of an American football and probably twice as heavy. “What can we even do with it?!” He asked and Lance sighed, walking over to take the egg out of his hands and place it on one of the shelves next to the line of photos in their living room.

"There." He said "New decor."

Keith shrugged.

"It gives me a weird feeling..." He said, eying the egg with some askance "I don't trust it."

"It's an _egg_ , Keith. What's going to happen? Pop out a dinosaur?" He snorted and Keith's muscles relaxed a little when he nudged him "Come on, let's just forget about it for a little while and watch Moana or something!" He said brightly, tugging at Keith's hand.

"Moana again?" He sighed "You have an obsession with old movies. Can we watch something within the past twenty years at least?" He asked and Lance put a hand over his chest in mock offense as he continued to coax his husband towards the bedroom.

"Marvel maybe? And _yes_ , the new ones. Even though I think the classics are much better." He sniffed "Thor Ragnorak is a masterpiece that transcends time."

"I just don't like the old graphics!" Keith objected, but was interrupted by his phone beeping loudly. Lance sighed, reaching into Keith's back pocket to grab it.

"Acxa is calling." He said "We might need to cancel movie night."

"At least we don't have to be with the weird egg."

" _Keith-_ "

* * *

For the most part, they forgot about the egg.

Life was full of distractions and personally, Keith just didn't have time to worry about it when he was trying to make a pillow fort at two in the morning.

"We need more blankets," Lance said, popping his head inside. As far as makeshift blanket houses went - theirs was pretty good. They had recently gotten a new dining table as a gift and Lance had immediately declared their matching chairs to be _perfect_ for tent building. So here they were. Sitting on an air mattress with fairy lights sprawled above them and worn cotton sheets looming over. "The really soft ones!" He announced and Keith threw a pillow at his head.

"Pretty sure those are still in the washing machine." He said and Lance made a face, wrinkling his nose in displeasure.

"Damnit. I guess you'll have to do!" He grinned and crawled over to him. Keith realized what was going to happen about two seconds before it did.

"Don't - _why_?" He complained as he tried to pry Lance's cold hands off of him "Are you made of ice?" He asked and Lance snorted, continuing to assault him with the icicles he pretended were fingers. "No. Okay. I'm making hot chocolate."

"It's the middle of August!"

"Tell that to your dead hands." Keith muttered and Lance smirked as he curled up in the fort, shooting him an obnoxious wink as he left.

"Don't wait too long!" He sang "I can think of other things that could warm me up!" He smiled. Keith paused in his exit to level a stern glare at him.

"I love you - but your hands are not going near my dick if they are below freezing." He informed him gravely. Lance threw a pillow in response.

Keith almost laughed, but paused when a bit of light caught his attention. He stared, trying to figure out where it came from. His eyes drifted to where the weird egg they have been given a week earlier sat, still the same color blue with the glowing red and black lines. He could have sworn it had flashed gold for a moment...

"Am I getting hot chocolate or not?"

"You are _so_ ungrateful!"

* * *

"That's my sweatshirt!"

Keith yawned and looked down at the blue piece of clothing he was wearing before moving his gaze back up to Lance. He shrugged, walking towards the kitchen.

"Yeah."

"Keith - stop wearing my clothes. You _ruin_ them!" He whined, trailing behind with his arms crossed "You always rip or tear them! Or get them bloody! Or wash them wrong-"

"But it's so comfy," Keith objected and pulled up the hood as if that exemplified his level comfort "See?"

"I _know_. Because it is _mine_." Lance said and tugged at the sleeve "Come on, take it off."

"Technically, it's mine too!" Keith objected, snatching his hand to his chest "You _married_ me. What's mine is yours, remember?" He said, jutting out his chin in victory. Lance stared.

"Are you...Demanding joint custody over my sweatshirt?" He asked and turned to where Kosmo was licking his paw in the corner "Do you hear this?" He asked. Kosmo's ears twitched at Lance's voice and the wolf looked over at them and made a rumbling noise in the back his throat before trotting up to Lance. "See? He's astounded too!"

"He can be astounded. I'm not taking it off." Keith said stubbornly "If you really want it so badly you're welcome to share it, but that's all I'm offering." He said and lifted up the bottom of the sweatshirt. Lance stared at him, eyes narrowed as he seemed to mull over his options before looking down at where Kosmo was wagging his tail between them. "Well?"

"Oh, whatever." Lance sighed "I don't think we can both fit in it." He said, but still attempted to squeeze himself in so that they were both occupying it. "This is what I mean. You're always ruining my clothes!" Lance grumbled and jabbed his stomach. Keith gasped, trying to hit his hands away, but since they were both confined in the hoodie there was nowhere to escape. Lance snickered and attempted tickle him, but Keith was prepared this time.

It was a solid ten minutes of them, trapped in a sweatshirt in the middle of the kitchen, trying to poke at one another before Keith finally relented.

"Fine. I didn't want your stupid hoodie anyways." He grumbled as Lance yelled in victory "Although I'm pretty sure you broke our vows just now."

"Nowhere in my vows did I say you could steal my clothes you freaking alien cowboy." Lance snorted and from the other room, there was a flash of gold as they continued arguing over the specificity of who owned what in their marriage.

* * *

"...Lance?"

"Yeah?"

"Did...Did you just send me an event invitation to come rub your feet?"

"Yeah."

A pause.

"But what about _me_?" He whined. Lance was somewhere in the other room as Keith sat on the couch, trying not to scowl at the message on his phone. His dumbass husband had even sent the event over their calendar to it was automatically scheduled in with his regular meetings and missions. He heard Lance laugh from wherever he was.

"I sent the invitation so I pick the event!"

Well then. Keith clicked a few buttons on his phone and waited. He heard a distant ding and a few seconds later a heavy sigh.

"...did you just send me an event invitation?"

"Maybe."

"I'll accept yours if you accept mine."

Keith paused. It was as good of a deal as any. Shrugging, he clicked accept and another ding came from Lance's phone followed by a laugh.

"You fool! I'll _never_ accept your invitation!"

"You know the fuck what?" Keith yelled, too betrayed to notice another flash of gold coming from the shelf. "I did not save the universe to be _this disrespected-_ "

"Oh, I'm sorry! Did you save the universe by yourself, Mr. Lone Wolf?"

* * *

"You're adding too much!" Adam complained as he sat on the counter, looking truly devastated as Keith looked him dead in the eye and dumped more salt into the bowl. "There are other things to season with! Use some freaking cumin, you pillock." He shouted and got up, only to stopped as Lance entered the room and glared at him.

"Sit down!" He said, pointing a wooden spoon at Adam.

"But-"

"I _said_ we we're cooking dinner tonight. Not you." Lance told him firmly "Everyone else will be here soon. Either wait for them here or go wait in the living room." He said and Keith smirked from where he was still putting spices in the bowl - adding a pinch more salt as he looked Adam dead in the eyes. "Keith...We talked about this. You don't need that much salt, babe." Lance groaned. "You're going to give us all heart attacks before we turn thirty."

"I only added a little."

"Add some other stuff in. Cilantro is really good...Or saffron."

"What's saffron?" Keith asked and Lance pursed his lips.

"Maybe I should do this part."

"Hey!" Keith objected when Lance tugged the bowl from him. "You're lucky I love you." He grumbled and Lance kissed his cheek as emotional compensation for being kicked off of seasoning duty.

"Excuse me," Adam snapped "Let's keep it appropriate in here please."

"I've seen you grab Shiro's ass in the middle of Thea's pre-school graduation. Don't even start."

"Nope. That was for medical reasons. My husband is actually very sick-"

"He hasn't been sick for years, that excuse doesn't work anymore." Keith rolled his eyes and walked over to where Lance had put the chicken in the oven "What should I do now?" He asked and Lance looked around the kitchen.

"Can you start the cake?" He asked "And don't eat the flour! Freaking weirdo." Lance muttered. Keith scoffed, flicking some of the sauce that sat in the corner at his husband. Lance gasped, turning to retaliate with some cloves. They made eye contact and grinned. Without any warning, Keith dove for the mashed potatoes, throwing them at Lance as he ducked and grabbed the bowl of salad to dump over Keith's head.

"So I guess we're having pizza, tonight." Adam mumbled as the food fight continued "You guys are awful hosts - hey did anyone else see that weird, gold light?"

* * *

"Are you serious, right now?" Lance yelled as he threw his stuff to the side, face already slightly red as he turned to glower at his husband.

"No. I'm totally joking." Keith threw back, the sarcasm feral. He crossed his arms over his chest "I'm not doing it."

"What the Hell? There's no reason not to! It's not a trap - Kolivan sent people out to be sure. It's a _recon_ mission-"

"I never said it was a trap! I said that we should being focusing more on the other sectors rather than wasting our time in an area that doesn't even have a distress signal!"

"Eye witnesses said they _saw Lotor_. How are you going to ignore that?" Lance yelled and when Keith shook his head, threw up his hands "Fine. I'll go myself - you can go on whatever escapade you want." He snapped and Keith clenched his hands, tightening his jaw in frustration.

" _You_ are going where _I_ am going because as far as I'm aware, missing a lion if we need Voltron is not a good idea."

"Oh? You're ordering me around now _team leader_?" Lance hissed "You know what? Maybe you should give Shiro Black again so you can go back to piloting Red!" He snarled and stalked from the room "You guys can go wherever the fuck you want then!" He shouted and Keith took a long breath, turning to kick the couch. A few seconds later, Lance returned with a backpack slung over his shoulder.

"Where the Hell are you going?" Keith snapped and Lance gave a mock salute.

"Permission to exit the house, _sir_?"

"Oh, fuck off!"

"Gladly!"

The door slammed shut.

* * *

_"Keith?"_

There was a sigh of relief as Keith sat up on the couch, running a hand through his hair.

"Hey."

Silence.

_"I'm sorry-"_

"No. You were right," Keith interrupted "We should at least check before dismissing anyone's claims." He said and rubbed his eyes tiredly "I'm sorry...And I didn't mean what I said earlier. You can do what you want...I would never force you to go anywhere." He added and from the other side of the line there was a sigh.

_"I know...Are you still at home?"_

"Yeah. Where are you?"

_"Rachel's apartment... I might have spent an hour telling her what a dick you are."_

"Well I just woke Romelle up to tell her how annoying you are so I think we're even." Keith snorted and Lance let out a small laugh. "When are you coming back?"

_"I don't know. I kind of want to go to the beach..."_

"It's three in the morning." Keith pointed out and Lance hummed.

 _"I know... I was just saying."_ Keith pursed his lips. Damnit.

"I'll pick you up. It's a three hour drive there anyways so we can probably catch the sunrise or something." He said, tossing his legs over the side of the couch. From across the room, there was a a whisper of light. Keith almost turned to look at it, but was distracted by Lance's voice.

_"Really?"_

"Yeah... We'll consider it a make-up date." He said and Lance laughed "I love you."

_"Love you too, team leader."_

* * *

The crack was loud enough that Lance reached for his bayard, finger on the trigger as he tried to decide where the noise was coming from.

"Keith?" He called, in case his husband was trying to surprise him with a nerf war again. Lance was pretty sure he would not like being shot with a real gun. Keith didn't respond so Lance figured he was still with Krolia and decidedly not at home. Taking a few steps forward he glanced around when another sharp crack filled the room.

"What the-?" He started and aimed his gun in alarm when he noticed the golden light in the corner of the room. Was that... The egg? He lowered his gun a little, less willing to shoot now that he identified the source of the noise. Carefully, he walked over to it, trying to ignore the crackling sounds as the light began to die down a bit. He reached out to poke it  when - wait. Was that _crying_?

Lance leaned over to stare at the shelf.

Oh God no...

* * *

"It hatched? What do you mean it hatched?" Keith asked and Lance gave a high-pitched laugh as he gestured vaguely around him. Keith looked over at Pidge who was pressing her hands together like a prayer, obviously trying to hold in whatever reaction she was having.  
  
"There was a small child inside. It kind of looks like you...And me."  
  
"Excuse me?"  
  
"Oh my God, Keith." Lance groaned "The random egg that those weird aliens gave us hatched and there is a real child inside!" He said, throwing his hands up in the air "And I'm kind of panicking because I don't have any baby formula!"  
  
"Are you sure you know what it's dietary restrictions are?" Pidge asked "It looks human, but it came from an egg. Maybe it feeds on something else." She said and Lance went white, eyes widening as he leaned against the door frame, running a hand over his face.  
  
"Oh my God," He groaned "I'm going to kill this beautiful egg child!"  
  
"I...What?" Keith asked numbly. Pidge walked over and clapped him on the shoulder.  
  
"Congrats, my dude. You're a father."  
  
"Shut the _fuck_ up." He pointed at her and Lance held up a hand to calm the situation.

"No! She knows things." He said and Keith groaned, looking up at the sky as he tried to process what the Hell was going on. Lance took a long breath and Pidge snorted, smiling a little as if she had learned the best secret. Before Keith could snap at her, she rose her hands in a placating manner - still smirking.

"So, Riutes - the alien species you guys met a couple months ago - have unique mating rituals." She explained and sat down at their dining room table, helping herself to some chocolate that sat in the middle. "They have like... Test tube babies, technically. Their eggs are produced in labs and are given to those who claim to be in love. The idea is that a child needs love to grow so that is how the child is formed." She shrugged. Keith and Lance stared at her blankly. She sighed. "I mean that the eggs are _blank_ until the start feeding off the energy around them. If there is bad energy then it won't grow. If there is good, loving energy then it will take that and the kid will form out of it."

More blank stares.

"You two are so gay for each other that you made the egg hatch."

"Oh my God..." Keith whispered and felt the color drain from his face "That means...It's like...Ours? If it is made from our energy that means...What? Is it technically a quarter galra and three-quarters human? What does it eat? Are we supposed to _keep it_?" He asked, voice going high "We don't know how to raise a kid! We _are_ kids!"

"Right. So you're literally twenty-eight..."

"I don't even know how to season my food!" Keith yelled "I can't - oh my God." He said and Lance patted him on the shoulder. Clearly, he had already had this freak out session because he seemed only slightly panicked now. "We have an egg child. What the _fuck_?" He whispered. Pidge laughed.

"What's even _better_ is it wasn't supposed to hatch for another two months. You guys must have had some romantic nights recently." She smirked and Keith swore he was going to kill her. He was going to _murder_ her and - wait.

"Where...Is it?" He asked and Lance winced.

"Um...I panicked and called Adam."

" _You left our new child with Adam_?!"

* * *

"There's good news and bad news." Adam announced as they walked in "Good news: He has Lance's eyes. Bad news: He has Keith's hair." He sighed. Keith would have been annoyed, but was a little distracted by the bundle of blankets shifting in his arms. Nervously, he edged up to it, looking down.

Wow...That was...A baby.

Huh.

That was... _His_ baby.

This was really weird.

"Don't worry!" Pidge said "I'm going to learn everything about these egg things and give you a manual or something so you don't kill him...Speaking of which. Does he have, like, a name?" She asked and Adam held out his arms, offering Keith the bundle. He took a step back.

"Don't be a wuss, demon." He said and unceremoniously dumped the child in his arms.

What the fuck, what the fuck, what the.... He paused, moving the blanket a little to his face better. He did have Lance's eyes...

"Um...I don't know. Camilo maybe? Abuela would like that." Lance suggested warily "We haven't exactly had baby names on the forefront of our minds."

"Kaleb?" Keith asked, a little surprise at his own voice speaking up. Lance paused.

"After your dad?" He asked, voice softening a little. Keith flushed. He shouldn't have suggested- "I like it. Kaleb Camilo McClain."

"Kogane." Keith grumbled and Lance rolled his eyes. A year of marriage and they still hadn't decided on their surname. He supposed they kind of had to decide that now. Kaleb shifted a little, blinking up at Keith.

"I really hope I don't fuck up your life." Keith informed him. Pidge let out a screech of laughter.

"When this kid grows up I want to be the one to tell him that those were the first words his father said to him." She chuckled "By the way...Have you told anyone else? Because everyone is probably going to lose their minds." She said, crossing her arms. "Hunk is going to cry for a solid hour."

Lance and Keith looked at each other.

Right.

* * *

"No, you _can't_ hold him." Keith said for the thousandth time "He isn't your kid. Go away!"

"No fair! I'm his godmother!" Romelle whined, crossing her arms "Why won't you let anyone else see him? We're not going to steal your baby!"

"Who said you're his godmother?" Keith snapped back and Romelle gasped. From the other side of the room, Lance was desperately trying to explain to the reporters outside their house what had happened.

"Mr. Kogane! Mr. Kogane!"

"It's actually McClain still-"

"NO IT ISN'T!" Keith yelled from inside the house. Lance sighed as people waved their hands, cameras flashing brightly as he pinched the bridge of his nose. He offered a few smiles for the cameras before refocusing on the people shouting at him.

"Does the child have a name yet? How long have you known about the baby? How did your family react?"

"Yes, about two hours, and based on the text messages I'm receiving right now...They're confused." Lance said and waved "Right. I'm going to close the door now. If you're still here in ten minutes I'm calling the cops, okay? Bye." He said and shut the door, drawing the curtains closed so nobody could peer inside. "Freaking weirdos."

"Aw....He looks like me!" Rachel cooed, leaning over Keith's shoulder.

"No, dumbass. He looks like me." Lance told his sister.

"We're twins. Shut up." She said, sticking her tongue out "Hey Veronica! When are Luis and Marco getting here?" She called, drifting away to where the elder McClain was talking to Acxa "Tell them to pick up a crib or something before they come over!"

"I don't understand why you didn't name him after me." Matt was saying "Matthew is a perfectly good name!"

"Thea is named after you," Shiro pointed out and Matt rolled his eyes.

"I still think you're messing with me about that. It is Mat- _thew_. Not Mat- _thea._ " He sniffed and Shiro paused in attempting to put together a high chair to stare at his friend. Matt glowered back.

"Your middle name is _Theodore_ you - how did you even survive the galra? Why did I save you?" He demanded and Matt paused.

"Ah. I see...Well that's awesome!"

"She's five now! And you just didn't know?!" Shiro demanded "ADAM! GUESS WHAT?"

"DON'T TELL ADAM!" Matt shrieked and Keith's eyes flashed yellow as Kaleb wailed at the yelling. Immediately the room went silent.

"Hey Kaleb..." Hunk said and held up a toy "It's okay. Look!" He said and Kaleb paused in his crying to look at whatever was in Hunk's hand "Can I hold him?" He asked and Keith's eyes shifted back to their normal color.

"Yeah. Sure." He said and moved to hand him the baby. Romelle made a noise of irritation.

" _Traitor_." She hissed. There was another knock and the front door opened again, revealing a solemn looking Krolia and Kolivan.

"I've heard," Krolia said with an air of stoicism "That I am a grandmother."

"Do you think I lied?" Keith asked her, looking a little frazzled as he attempted to open one of the parenting guides Allura had brought over "Why do you look so sad about it? I'm the one freaking out!" He said and Kolivan placed a large hand on Keith's shoulder.

"It is tradition that when a child is born that the grandmother must look into their eyes and see their future," Kolivan explained and Lance appeared by Keith's side, warily looking the pair of galras up and down. "Often, the grandmother must be alone in the knowledge of what will happen to her grandchild." He said and Krolia pursed her lips, eyes wandering to where Hunk was bouncing the baby.

"Well...That certainly sounds stressful." Lance muttered "Maybe you just shouldn't look into his future? Have you guys considered that?" He asked and Keith sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"Kaleb isn't even a day old. His future can wait."

"Kaleb?" Krolia blinked "You...Named him Kaleb?" She asked and Keith realized he had failed to inform his mother of that particular fact. A little guiltily, he nodded. Krolia's eyes trailed again to where Hunk was cooing at the bundle of blankets. Very carefully, she walked over and held out her hands. Hunk didn't seem to question her and handed Kaleb over. Lance bit his lip.

"What if she says his future is to have your sense of style?" He muttered and Keith elbowed him. Krolia looked over at them. Kaleb yawned, and his grandmother offered him her finger. Immediately his hand wrapped around it. There was a long paused and Krolia smiled.

"I like my grandchild," She announced. "He has a very big future." Lance snorted.

"Thank God for that. I would hate to see the return policy for egg children." He said and Keith turned to give him the most exasperated stare he could muster.

* * *

"Keep your eyes closed, Thea." Shiro said as he led his daughter into the room "We have a surprise, okay? Can you sit down here?" He asked, leading her to the couch. Thea giggled as her dad sat her down, swinging her legs excitedly.

"Is it a puppy?" She asked, clapping her hands and gasped "Did Uncle Hunk make pumpkin pie?!" She squealed in excitement. "I love pumpkin pie!"

"Um...It isn't any of those things." Shiro said and from the background, Hunk called out that he could certainly make pumpkin pie in a few hours. He just needed to finish setting up a security detail for Keith and Lance's apartment. Nobody wanted to ask what exactly that meant. "Okay, be very careful. I'm handing you something super breakable." He said and Lance walked over to carefully sit in front of her, kneeling down so he could make sure Kaleb didn't fall out of her arms. "You can open your eyes now." Shiro said.

Thea looked down and froze.

"A baby?" She whispered and put a hand over her mouth "You had a _baby_?" She asked, voice going high. The crowd chuckled "I get to be a sister?!"

"Oh...Um..."

"I have a _brother_!" Thea said and sniffed a little "Oh, I love him so much..." She said, holding back tears. Adam winced, looking at where Shiro was biting his lip next to her.

"We probably should have seen that coming."

"He's so little..." Thea cried "I love my brother..."

"At least she likes him." Romelle said with a shrug and glowered at Keith "At least she gets to _hold_ him."

"Get over it," Keith muttered and sat down next to Thea "Hey...Uh. Thea? Kaleb isn't actually your brother." He said and Thea paused, eyes widening a little. Before Keith could deliver to the final blow, Lance jumped in.

"But he _is_ your godbrother! That's very similar! Keith and I are going to be Kaleb's parents, but since you are our goddaughter then that means he's your godbrother, right?" He asked, throwing everyone a warning glare. Thea considered this logic for a moment before slowly nodding. She looked back down.

"He's your baby?" She asked and Lance nodded "And Uncle Key's?" She added on, looking a bit more doubtfully at her other uncle "Are you sure?"

"Hey!" Keith objected and Pidge turned her laugh into a cough.

"We're very sure." Lance said "But you guys are going to be spending a lot of time together so it's good that you like him." He said and Thea grinned, giggling a little as she looked down at Kaleb. Getting up, Lance drifted back to where Keith had retreated after Thea dissed his parentage. He leaned up against him as everyone crowded around. Lance could already see the MFE fighters walking in the house, armed with gifts as Pidge waved at Kinkade.

"So...We have a kid." Keith started and Lance looked over at him.

"We got this."

"Totally."

"Two against one. How hard can it be?"

"Right! We saved the _universe_! Parenting is nothing."

"Ha! We're going to kick parenting's ass."

"Absolutely."

* * *

"Hey mama...It's me again. Say - theoretically, of course - that my child doesn't know what sleep is... Does me dying technically count as abandonment?"

* * *

"Shiro. Right. So how does one go about buying diapers? Huh...So you just...Put them in your cart? That's it? Hm...Are you _sure_? Okay...What size is he? I don't know....I'm supposed to weigh him? Um...He's like....Probably about two of Lance's guns....Of course that's a good way to measure weight!"

* * *

"Abuela, you used to put rum in my bottle, right? Did it make me sleep easier? Exactly how much would you recommend...? I - Ow! Keith! I wasn't really going to do it! I...Hey, abuela. I'll call you back."

* * *

"Krolia. Listen. Kaleb's teeth came in and - Oh. That's normal? Google said four to six months, but - so it's different for galras? Oh thank God...Wait. What? I didn't have fangs until I was twenty-six! Baby fangs? _Why didn't you tell me this before?!_ Oh God - LANCE DON'T LET HIM BITE YOU!"

* * *

"Adam can you just send over all Thea's old clothes? Kaleb has pretty much outgrown everything.... Yes, even the girly ones. He's a baby, nobody cares...I don't care if he has a shirt that says Daddy's Little Princess as long as it fits and I can eat my freaking Captain Crunch in peace! I...Yes, I am crying. Thank you for noticing."

* * *

"Acxa...how do you feeling about going on a mission for the next ten years? No, no. Lance totally has everything covered. I - fuck. One second. Hey, Lance! Acxa was just saying we should go out on a mission...No? Okay....Hey Acxa....Nevermind."

* * *

"We're...Awesome...Parents..." Lance whispered as he collapsed next to Keith.

"I haven't slept in days...I think can see sound," Keith yawned and grabbed Lance's hand "Hey. This is hard...But I'm glad I'm doing it with you."

Lance smiled and rolled over.

"Yeah...Me too." He said and rubbed his eyes "But the next time he wakes up, you're getting him."

"Why don't you love me?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I had to hit you with that fight - but they saw a sunrise together so everything is fine! 
> 
> Also, welcome Kaleb. He's going to be a massive dork when he's older.


	10. Basically a Blessing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “He isn’t going to leave you for me, Keith… If that was concerning you.”
> 
> “It wasn’t.”
> 
> “Of course not,” Adam scoffed “But if it was then that would be stupid. You know on our last date he got a call from one of the other teachers saying you looked a bit pale at lunch… This was our first date in three weeks mind you. It was spent raiding the pharmacy and subtly placing medications around your apartment so you would find them.” Adam snorted “I suggested we just force feed them to you and continue our day, but noo. Takashi didn’t want you to feel like you were being babied or something.” He said and rolled his eyes “Honestly. Romance is dead.”
> 
> “And yet you’re still proposing.”
> 
> “Come on. It won’t be so bad. I’m asking you first. That counts for something, right?”
> 
> “If I said no would you still do it?”
> 
> “Would you really tell me no?”
> 
> Keith paused in his skittle abuse to scowl. He picked up a new victim and slammed it with a book.
> 
> “…I wouldn’t test me on it.”
> 
> Or
> 
> Adam is TRYING to propose to the love of his life…Unfortunately, he must face the scariest obstacle of all…That goddamn moody teenager with a bad haircut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m glad you guys liked Kaleb 😂 he shall make another appearance, don’t worry. 
> 
> We’re almost done with all the old one-shots though! After this one I think there’s the (2) angst ones, and Lance’s getting arrested adventure (a tragedy in 2 parts). I have literally 3 pages of one-shots ideas tho (both pre and post garrison) so we’re not anywhere near the end of this fic.

“Takashi… When I was five I knew I wanted to go to space. I knew I wanted fast cars and a big bed with extra pillows and to eat ice cream until three in the morning. I also knew I wanted to fall in love… But I never once dared to even dream that I could ever fall in love with someone like you.

“You’re… Amazing. You’re passionate and kind and willing to put up with me even when I’m at my worst… You make me want to be better. At like… certain things, I mean. I want to be better _for_ you, but only for you. Nobody else gets that treatment. I don’t have enough energy for all of that.

“Anyways. I digress. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Maybe the afterlife too if there is such a thing. I want to fight with you and make-up with you and occasionally get drunk and sneak into Iverson’s office like when we were fifteen and I thought for sure you would _never_ like me back…. Side note. If Eric Angelo sees this then I _told_ you I would end up dating him!

“Back to the point. I love you. A lot. I love you more than I think I’ve ever loved anything else in the entire _world_ … I love you more than bacon and you know how much I love bacon. So with all that being said will you marry-”

“Nope. Not good. Try again.”

“Oh my _God_.” Adam groaned and lowered his arms. He tilted his head up a bit at the ceiling, scowling a bit “Keith. You are _killing_ me here.”

“I don’t like it.” Keith told him blandly, popping a few skittles in his mouth. “It’s too…” He clicked his tongue, eating a few more skittles as Adam pushed up his glasses to rub at his eyes. “Too… Stereotypical.”

“Really? Me confessing my love is stereotypical?” Adam sighed “Come on, do I really need to _practice_? When I propose the words will just…Come to me.” He shrugged, standing up. He put the ring down and crossed his arms over his chest so he could turn to fully glare at the teenager in front of him. Keith remained unimpressed.

“Hey. You came to ask for _my_ blessing. If you want it then you have to prove to me you can at _least_ dish out a decent proposal.” He said, smirking a little. Adam narrowed his eyes. Keith was attempting to keep his gaze stoic, but he knew better. The little demon was _enjoying_ this.

“My proposal is going to be awesome.”

“Yeah…Doesn’t sound like it.”

“For the love of- As if _you_ could come up with something better.”

“Yeah. Well. I’m not the one spending the rest of my life with him.” Keith said and used one of Adam’s books to smash a skittle on the table. The last words were mumbled a bit – bitterness hinting around the edges. Adam raised an eyebrow. Interesting.

“You know nothing is going to change, right?” Adam asked. Keith didn’t bother to look up. He only shrugged, continuing his vicious attack on the poor skittle. Adam walked across the classroom where he had asked Keith to secretly meet him and sat down at an open desk. “Takashi loves you. Obnoxiously so.” Adam admitted, wrinkling his nose “It’s _so_ annoying.”

Keith snorted.

“I find it annoying how much he loves you.”

“I’m glad we’re finding common ground.” Adam smiled a bit and shook his head “He isn’t going to leave you for me, kid… If that was concerning you.”

“It wasn’t.”

“Of course not.” Adam scoffed “But if it _was_ then that would be stupid. You know on our last date he got a call from one of the other teachers saying you looked a bit pale at lunch… This was our first date in _three weeks_ mind you. It was spent raiding the pharmacy and subtly placing medications around your apartment so you would find them.” Adam snorted “I suggested we just force feed them to you and continue our day, but _noo_. Takashi didn’t want you to feel like you were being babied or something.” He said and rolled his eyes “Honestly. Romance is dead.”

“And yet you’re _still_ proposing.”

“Come on. It won’t be so bad. I’m _asking_ you first. That counts for something, right?”

“If I said no would you still do it?”

“Would you really tell me no?”

Keith paused in his skittle abuse to scowl. He picked up a new victim and slammed it with a book.

“…I wouldn’t test me on it.” He finally said, but the words didn’t hold any real threat. Adam thrummed his fingers over the desk, considering. He and Keith had a… Wary relationship with one another. They were both vaguely disapproving of each other but loved Takashi enough to play nice most of the time.

And if pressed…Well. Adam _was_ sort of fond of him. Sometimes. When he wasn’t being an annoying emo who stole his boyfriend’s attention.

“I have an idea.” He said, clapping his hands together “Let’s go get some ice cream.”

“Shiro says I can’t. Lactose intolerant.” Keith told him, not even bothering to look up as he squashed another skittle. Adam tugged the book away from him.

“Even better. Let’s do it.” He said “We can tell Takashi we’re doing the shopping as a bonding thing. He’ll think it’s sweet and all that jazz. Then we come back with a shit ton of ice cream and watch him lose his mind.”

Keith glanced up, head tilted a bit in suspicion.

“Why would we do that?” He frowned. Adam shrugged, trying to seem nonchalant.

“Well, it is only fair to give him a taste of what’s the come. I figured when Takashi and I got married that I would be alone in annoying him. But since you’re here…” He jammed his hands in his pockets “Might as well use all my resources.”

Keith snorted, but leaned back in the seat, eyes alight with newfound interest. His gaze swept Adam up and down for a moment before biting his lip.

“How much ice cream?”

“All of it.”

“You’re absolutely awful.”

“I know… Will you let me marry Takashi?” Adam asked, smiling as prettily as he could. Keith narrowed his gaze for a few moments. Adam kept smiling. Finally, there was a sigh.

“I…guess. But you really do need to work on your speech. It was terrible.” Keith said, pushing back his chair to rise. Adam gasped, putting a hand over his chest.

“That came from my _heart_ and _soul_.”

“Yeah… Maybe try your brain or something next time. Heart and soul weren’t working for you.”

“I hope this ice cream kills you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hint for the next chapter: It's written from the best vld character's POV
> 
> Now you may be thinking 'Claudia. There are so many Voltron characters who are amazing and wonderful! We can't all, collectively, agree that one character is the best!' and to that I will say....
> 
> You are wrong. There is one character who has never caused ANY discourse in the fandom, was always there for every single member of the team, is by far cuter than anyone else in the cast, and has my unconditional love because this character could never do ANYTHING wrong EVER. 
> 
> Call me a liar, but tomorrow your eyes will be open to the truth.  
> (Also, guess who it is cause I want to see how many of you get it right)


	11. Basically a Good Boy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The pair paused before looking at where Kosmo was wagging his tail.
> 
> "...Did Keith's wolf just teleport us to our picnic spot?" Allura asked and Romelle scoffed, reaching over to pat his head.  
> "Good boy!"
> 
> Yep. That was true. Kosmo barked and trotted off towards where the trees met the water. He saw a very large stick...Maybe Romelle and Allura would like a stick for their picnic? He glanced over and inwardly sighed. Of course... It looks as if they had forgotten to pack a stick again. Why couldn't his silly Alteans remember these things?
> 
> It was fine, though. He could bring them many sticks.
> 
> Kosmo swore...He was the one thing that held this family together.
> 
> Or
> 
> Kosmo is a very busy space wolf who knows everyone's secrets. There's only one person he can tell though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bitch you guessed it. The best character in voltron finally gets his own one-shot. He's the best space wolf around.
> 
> ....but all of your guesses were actually super valid sooooooo...they all will probably get a one-shot at some point (except for whoever said Slav - I'm going to personally fight you lol). 
> 
> For those of you who guess Coran, you were KIND OF right. This is a set-up for a chapter he's going to have later on.

"Kosmo, _no_."

There was a groan as Kosmo continued to step on the bed, twirling around a bit before making himself more comfortable. He could see Keith peering down at him, eyes narrowed. Kosmo looked back, ears twitching. From beside him, there was a bit of movement and the lump next to him rolled over to reveal a bleary looking Lance.

"Just let him stay on the bed. He's not doing anything." He yawned and Kosmo moved over to Lance's side of the bed, putting his head on the other boy's leg to show his approval at the statement. Keith rolled his eyes and tugged the covers over his head.

"Fine." Came the grumbled response. Kosmo lifted his head again, waiting until the breathing had evened out into a slower pace before rolling over. Carefully he crawled a bit forward until he was nestled between the pair. Decidedly comfortable, he stretched his legs out and - oh. A loud thump sounded as Lance was unceremoniously thrown from the bed onto the ground. Keith shot up, looking around wildly as he tried to figure out what happened. Kosmo stopped wagging his tail.

"Ow." Lance groaned and Keith yawned, scratching the good spot behind Kosmo's ears. Little known fact about Keith: He was the _best_ ear scratcher.

" _Just let him say on the bed,_ " Keith mimicked in a high pitched voice " _He isn't doing anything_."

From the ground there was a sigh.

"Fuck you."

* * *

"KOSMO!"

Oh no. Oh _no_. Kosmo froze as the little one came wobbling forward, almost falling with uncertain footsteps.

He likes the little one. A lot, actually. But little one was scary. He wasn't very big or strong and always got into trouble. Kosmo always had to watch him. Little one giggled as he walked up and Kosmo laid down, trying to make himself a bit smaller so the little one wouldn't be so easily crushed by him.

"Kosmo!" Little one cooed again and collapsed on him, laughing into his fur "Good doggie." Kosmo wagged his tail, bumping little one with his snout as a thank you...He was a good doggie, wasn't he?

"Treat?"

Kosmo's ears flicked up. Treat? He wouldn't say no to a treat, certainly. The little one held out his hands and Kosmo sniffed the air. He wasn't entirely sure what it was, but it smelled good. He licked his hand, not wanting to bite - little one was so _fragile_ \- and wagged his tail again. Little one provided the _best_ snacks.

"Kaleb, where are - _Kaleb_." Lance groaned as he walked into the room "That was your breakfast! You've got to stop giving Kosmo your food!"

"Treat!" Little one yelled and Kosmo barked in agreement. "Kosmo likes treats!"

He may be small and weak, but he was a smart pup.

* * *

"Okay...Right there...Actually, no. A little higher? Perfect!" Hunk said as he stepped back and clasped his hands together "Thanks guys, that looks great!" He said and Kosmo trotted over, nudging his head against yellow one's leg.

"Oh, hey there!" He greeted and knelt down to pet his head "How did you find me here? Smart boy." He praised and Kosmo barked in agreement, wagging his tag. "I'm afraid I didn't make any treats for you today-" _Betrayal_. Kosmo sniffed and got up to leave "-but I can play catch!"

....Catch was acceptable.

Hunk grabbed something from one of the many boxes that surrounded them in the warehouse and held up...A ball! He had a ball! Oh, he _loved_ balls. Kosmo twirled excitedly as Hunk raised it so he knew it was in Kosmo's line of sight.

"You want the ball?"

Yes!

"You want it?"

Yes!

"Okay...Get ready..."

He was ready. He was _so_ ready.

"Go get it!"

Kosmo dashed as he saw yellow one's arm move, but paused when he couldn't see where the ball had gone. Had he lost it? Where had it gone? Hunk laughed and Kosmo turned to see - what? How did he get the ball back?

"Tricked you!"

Ah. Humans. Very funny.

Kosmo sniffed, walking back over to him and sitting down again. This time Hunk really _did_ throw the ball and Kosmo dashed after it, biting the rubbery bit as he successfully trapped it between his teeth. He teleported back to Hunk, dropping it with a bark.

"Again? Alright, but only a few more times."

Ha. They all said that.

* * *

"Don't tell my brother, okay!"

Kosmo barked.

"It's a _secret_ , alright? I don't even know...Ugh. It's fine. You're a dog. Who are you going to tell?"

Kosmo growled.

"Space wolf. My bad." Pidge snorted as she continued rubbing his belly. She was - ah yes. This was the _best_ spot. Pidge was very good at belly rubs. She had the fingers for it. "The thing is that I haven't really dated before, you know? I never thought about romance stuff since I was busy - you know - saving the world and stuff. I don't even know if I want to date... But I should probably try it. Just so I know for certain." She reasoned nervously "Lance says I can't spend my time with robots forever. I mean...What does he know, right?" She asked. Kosmo tilted his head.

"It's just one date. What can go wrong?" She asked and leaned over to kiss his head. Human kisses were weird. They didn't use their tongues, which was kind of strange... But they meant well so Kosmo never questioned it. "Thanks for listening, boy. I'll let you know how it goes!" She said and Kosmo rolled over. He supposed that meant the belly rubs were done for now. Whatever.

"Could you fetch me that wrench please?" She asked and Kosmo looked at where she was pointing to. Fetch? He teleported to where the metal thing was and brought it back to her "Good boy!"

* * *

"This is so strange...Allura, come look at this!"

Kosmo wanted to see. He teleported to where Romelle was looking at a hologram, tapping her upper lip thoughtfully. Allura popped up next to her and Kosmo flicked his ears, squirming his way between them. They didn't forget he was there, right? He came to play! Why were they still working?

"What is it?" Allura asked, leaning forward to get a better look at whatever Romelle was looking at. Kosmo moved a little closer to the screen...

Right. He couldn't read. He looked over at Romelle, hoping she would explain.

"A new quintessence energy! Or - well. It isn't _new_ particularly, but it is the first we can detect it." She said and drifted closer "I was looking at what you brought back from Oriande and noticed there was an energy we haven't coded for quite yet. I would need to ask for Pidge's help, but I think I recognize some of it's signature in some Alteans!" She said and Allura blinked.

"I see...Only some Alteans? What does it do?" She asked, crossing her arms. Romelle puckered her lips as she thought.

"I can't be certain - but I noticed the same energy in most animals. It could be a connection between the two? Maybe a way for them to communicate? Perhaps it is what you tapped into to communicate with the mice." She mused and Allura stared "What? It's just a theory!" She said and Allura nodded. Kosmo looked up. His Altean was giving off the lovey-vibe again.

Huh. It was directed at _him_ though... He supposed that was fine. There was plenty of the lovey-vibe so go around.

"We'll have to look more into it..." Allura mused "But perhaps we should take a break. I'm exhausted." She groaned and collapsed on the seat next to a desk. Romelle laughed.

"So no energy for our picnic then?" She asked, tossing her clipboard to the side "I was hoping we can fill up on good food before we head over to Keith and Lance's for dinner - they're apparently cooking." She said and Allura rolled her eyes.

"Lance is a good cook...But the chances of the meal getting done is minimal." She grumbled and held up her arms "Carry me to the picnic then."

"Carry you? What are you? Some kind of princess?"

"Politically speaking, I am a _queen_. And I'm tired. Carry me!" Allura laughed and when Romelle dipped into a low bow and made a ridiculous show of trying to pick her up.

"I'm just...so...weak." She cried and Kosmo barked. These two were being ridiculous. Kosmo was the obvious one to carry them. He walked over put a paw on each of them. A few seconds later they were by a huge lake, the water lapping gently across the bank.

The pair paused before looking at where Kosmo was wagging his tail.

"...Did Keith's wolf just teleport us to our picnic spot?" Allura asked and Romelle scoffed, reaching over to pat his head.

"Good boy!"

Yep. That was true. Kosmo barked and trotted off towards where the trees met the water. He saw a very large stick...Maybe Romelle and Allura would like a stick for their picnic? He glanced over and inwardly sighed. Of course... It looks as if they had forgotten to pack a stick again. Why couldn't his silly Alteans remember these things?

It was fine, though. He could bring them many sticks.

Kosmo swore...He was the one thing that held this family together.

* * *

"TAKASHI! KEITH'S DOG IS IN THE HOUSE AGAIN!"

Well then. Kosmo walked over at sat down in front of Adam, looking up at him with big eyes.

"You can't just keep on barging in here, you know. I keep telling you that I'm a cat person." He said and Kosmo continued to stare at him.

"Don't look at me like that. You're not even a cute puppy. You're _huge_. How cute can you be?"

Kosmo stared.

"Damnit." Adam said and knelt down " _One_ game of tug-a-war, okay? Then you have to let me spend the day with my husband. Thea gets back from school in a few hours." He explained and Kosmo hopped up. Tug-a-war? Yes, yes, yes! Adam snorted and brought out an old shirt. Kosmo sniffed it... Keith? He tilted his head and looked up at Adam.

"What? Keith wears the same thing everyday. He won't notice that one of his old shirts is missing." Adam said and held it out so the wolf could bite it. Kosmo growled.

He was _totally_ going to win. He was the best at tug-a-war.

* * *

He had lost tug-a-war.

But only because Adam had distracted him with another toy. Cheater.

No matter - he still had other people to visit.

"WHOA! LOOK AT THAT!"

"Aw, look! A dog!"

"Oh my - _again_?" Someone groaned and Kosmo growled. Ugh. It was _him_. He didn't like the tall man with no fur. He was mean and small human didn't like him very much. Kosmo understood perfectly. "Miss. Fraiser! I have _told_ you not to bring your pets to school. If this keeps up I'll have to report you to the administration!"

Kosmo didn't know what that meant, but it didn't sound good.

"Kosmo!"

Small human!

"Sir, he's a teleporting wolf. I can't decide where he goes." Thea said and she ran over to Kosmo. He dropped a folder at her feet "Oh! You found it!" Thea gasped and picked it up "Good boy, Kosmo! Thank you!" She squealed and turned to evil man "He was just bringing my homework, sir...And my last name is Shirogane-Fraiser." She added. The man pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Your dog should not be bringing your homework to school, Miss. _Shirogane-Frasier_."

"I understand...Um, but he's a space wolf." Thea said, voice going small as she continued to pet Kosmo. He could sense some tension rising in her. He didn't like that. He licked her hand. Small human liked hand licks. Sure enough, some tension left her. "It won't happen again!" She added and the man took a step towards her.

Kosmo growled.

"You may think that because of your family that you can get away with everything, but I am here to assure you...You will _not_."

"I didn't-"

"Get back to class."

Kosmo barked, making the man jerk back. He went to speak again, but Kosmo barked again so that he was jolted away. Before he could recover, Kosmo growled so that he tripped and fell down. A few kids snickered as he tried to crawl away from the wolf.

"GET THAT THING AWAY FROM ME!" He screeched and Kosmo snapped his teeth at him, still growling.

"Kosmo! Come here!" Thea yelled and he turned to her, ears flicking up. With one last look at evil man he went back to small human and nuzzled her. "You can't keep coming here, boy. Go home." She sighed and kissed his head.

Alright, fine. He gave a small whine. He didn't like leaving her with evil man.

...He would just have to come back tomorrow.

* * *

"Oh my God...Do not bully the wolf, Keith."

"I just want to see what he does!" Keith laughed and waved his hand at Kosmo. Yes! Were they going to go on a mission? Kosmo was pretty good at protecting Keith.

Keith didn't gesture him forward though. Instead he held up a large blanket. Kosmo barked. Blankets were nice! Was this his blanket? Did he get a _special_ blanket? What was Keith even doing back there? Why was he -

_What the ever-loving fuck?_

The blanket had dropped to the ground, but Keith had not been where he was moments before. In fact - he was nowhere in sight. Where did he go? _Where was he?_

Kosmo stood up slowly, ears laid back as he tried to sniff the air. His scent was still all over the room... Helplessly, he turned to where Lance was sitting and ran to him. Certainly, Lance would be upset that Keith was gone too? Where did Keith go? Was he okay? Kosmo had to get him back!

"You're so _mean_." Lance said and rubbed Kosmo's neck "He's right over there, boy. It's alright." He told him, pointing to back to where the blanket had dropped. Sure enough, Keith was leaning against the wall, grinning down at him.

He was back! Oh, thank God! Kosmo dashed over to him, spinning in excitement. That had been so scary! He had just _vanished_ and...

Wait a moment. Kosmo looked up at Keith's laugh and growled. Oh? So that was how it was. First Hunk with the ball and now this?

Kosmo flicked his tail and turned away. He would spend his time with little one. Little one did not play foolish tricks.

"He's actually mad at you."

"Kosmo! Wait! I didn't mean it - come on, boy." Keith called and Kosmo paused to look at Keith again. He had a good human...er...thing. Keith didn't quite smell like a human...Or like a galra...but he still smelled good and that was what mattered.

But that didn't mean Kosmo would forgive him easily. Stomping his paw on the ground, he gave a slight yowl before trotting over to find the little one. Lance's laughter followed him.

"I think he just insulted you, babe."

"I can't believe my own wolf can't take a joke."

"Well they do say dogs tend to take after their owners..."

" _I can take a joke_!"

"Clearly."

* * *

"Ah, there you are! Tell me about your day."

Kosmo barked.

"So...You're telling me that Hunk is working on a secret project that not even Iverson knows about? Interesting...And Pidge has a date? How exciting! Oh...Does nobody know about that? I see...I'll keep my lips sealed in that case. What about Adam?"  
  
Kosmo let out another low bark and a warm hand scratched his ears.  
  
"He's spending the day with Shiro? That's sweet. They need more time alone...What about Keith and Lance? Let me guess - bickering again?" Kosmo tilted his head "Ah, yes. I suppose I should be heading over soon for their dinner...And I'll pick Thea up a gift too. Her teacher truly sounds like a wobblenort."

Kosmo sniffed at that. A wobblenort? He hadn't heard of those before.

"A wobblenort? Oh it a truly a heinous creature - they have big, ugly eyes and _three rows_ of teeth! Alfor and I used to hunt them down to make the most wonderful jam." Came the response "I wonder if this teacher could be made into jam... Oh, how is the princess?"

Kosmo flicked his tail and mustache man rose his eyebrows, tapping his chin thoughtfully.

"Ah... Romelle is figuring out about that quintessence, is she? Well...You and I will try to keep our secret a little while longer, hm?" He said and scratched his ears "How else am I going to dazzle them with my knowledge?" He chuckled and stretched a little, bones popping "Come now, I'll give you a bath. You look like you can use one with bubbles!"

Bubbles! Bubbles were the best. Kosmo jumped a little and Coran laughed, rubbing his head affectionately.

"So tomorrow, I need you to spy on Shiro for me. I think he's planning a birthday surprise for me....And I, alone, must be the master of surprises. Why, when I was younger my grandfather used to create surprises so grand that Altea would hide in their houses for days to avoid him...."

* * *

"Kosmo! No! Bad! Get off the counter!"

 _Bad_?! Kosmo turned, dropping the piece of bread he had stolen in shock. Why was he being called bad?! They were the ones that left perfectly good bread on the counter! How dare they?! Shiro shook his finger at him and Kosmo could only stare in betrayal. Just last week the man had been slipping him pieces of food under the table. Now he was berating him? What a traitor... The man was lucky he smelled nice. Pidge ran into the kitchen and pushed all the food back, putting it just out of Kosmo's reach.

Which was pointless really. He could teleport.

"Well...At least he didn't get into the turkey..." She said and Kosmo stopped wagging his tail.

Uh...The turkey _hadn't_ been for him?

Kosmo walked away as Keith made a noise of agreement. He should take a nap....He deserved it....

"KOSMO!"

He had to work late tonight anyways. Little one sometimes couldn't fall asleep and Kosmo liked to stay with him until he did. So a nap now was best.

" _Get back here you coward!_ "

He teleported.

"...let me guess. You did something you weren't supposed to so you came to cry to me?"

Kosmo stared. Krolia crossed her arms.

"I'm working on a mission, Kosmo. I can't just take you with me because you ruined another one of Keith and Lance's dinners."

Kosmo stared.

"...Fine." Krolia grumbled and shifted over so he could hop in her pod. Yawning, he curled up by her side. He would take a small nap before helping Krolia with her mission. Then go see little one. Then maybe lick Keith's toes.

It was a lot for one space wolf to handle...But he loved his humans and aliens. Even if they were a pawful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this updated so early btw. I have conference this afternoon so this is going up a bit early lol.


	12. Basically Under Arrest (Part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Hi… I have an issue.”
> 
> “Okay, I’m a police officer. I can help.” The man said and Lance pursed his lips, looking him up and down.
> 
> “I kidnapped three dogs and now I’m not sure if I can handle the responsibility,” He finally sighed “Can you help me conduct an interview so that I can find them good homes? Preferably students in the Garrison so the dogs can live their dream of going to space.”
> 
> “I… That one is definitely a cat.”
> 
> Lance gaped, outrage crawling in his throat as he looked down at the animals and back to the police officer. 
> 
> “The amount of _disrespect_! I am a single mother of three and you want to tell me - _me_ what is a cat and what is a dog? Me? My cousin is a lawyer… Granted he is a divorce lawyer and is very bad at his job, but you should still be intimidated!”
> 
> “Sir… Is there a chance you are drunk?”
> 
> “I mean I had an entire bottle of rum so I wouldn’t rule it out.”
> 
> Or
> 
> From that one scene in Basically American where Lance got drunk, stole some dogs, then a police car…And also crashed said police car. Here is how that really all went down.

It wasn’t his fault.

To be clear – Lance often insisted he held no fault for _a lot_ of things that went wrong in his life… And he would be willing to admit (under dire circumstances) that he may hold some blame for certain events.

But this? Wasn’t his fault. Absolutely not.

James Griffin was the guy to blame. _He_ was the one who insisted they go out drinking. Lance had thought it was a nice gesture since him and the boy didn’t know each other particularly well despite being in the same piloting program for a few years. He also knew they had a common enemy (Hi, Keith) although their rivalries tended to be a bit… Different. Lance had hoped to take advantage of the opportunity to point out Griffin’s teasing was a bit… What was the word? Oh yeah. Fucking _mean_.

This was all before he stood Lance up.

Which was rude and completely unwarranted. Lance had never done anything in his life (ever) to merit such treatment. Still, he had a bottle of rum and honestly… Was he supposed to _waste_ it?

That was where everything went wrong.

“Are you alright, sweetheart?”

“Nope!” Lance informed the shopkeeper brightly as he sat cross-legged on the floor. Admittedly it had been some time since he had been drunk and his tolerance had lowered slightly since drinking with Luis and Rachel back home. Still, he prided himself on not slurring his words or stumbling… Unluckily for him, he couldn’t control _what_ came out of his mouth. “I am incredibly lonely and lost my toothbrush this morning.”

“I… Oh,” The woman blinked “I… Uh, I meant if you needed help finding anything…” She frowned and looked down at him with her brows furrowed slightly. Lance nodded. The woman’s frown turned quickly into a grimace as she looked down at him, wrinkling her nose a bit before crossing her arms.

“Ah. Yes. I see…” He looked around, a little confused as to where exactly he was. The iguana looming over above him served as a frightening reminder “Do you have any dogs?” He tried. Pet stores had dogs, right?

“We…Do…” The woman told him and gestured to the other end of the store. “Are you alone?” She asked, leading him down a few rows of squawking birds. Lance put a hand over his chest indignantly.

“Rude, birds.” He muttered, “Do you know how rude your birds are?” He scowled “They are so rude. The rudest birds I’ve ever seen!” He said and the woman said nothing. “Oh… Uh yes, I’m alone. I _said_ I was incredibly lonely, Janet.”

“My name is Karen…” She said and rolled her eyes. Lance nodded, humming a bit absently.

“Of course, Carly.”

“ _Karen._ ”

“Please don’t yell at me, Kathy.” Lance frowned at her “I now see where the birds get it from…” He muttered under his breath. The woman spluttered for a moment before putting her hands up in surrender and gesturing to a small pen where several dogs were trotting around. Lance gave a small gasp before kneeling and picking one up.

“Is this true love? I finally found it after all these years.” Lance whispered as a baby lab licked his face “I would die for you.” Lance told it and the dog licked his face again “Then again, my sister says I would die for a caterpillar so that might not mean much…” He admitted and kissed the dog’s nose “But a caterpillar has so much _potential_. It could be a butterfly one day. Like a whole-ass butterfly. With wings and stuff. Who _wouldn’t_ die for that?” He reasoned and the dog yipped in what Lance could only assume was agreement “I’m going to call you Butterfly.” He nodded “Butter for short.”

Butter barked, wiggling a bit in Lance’s arms so he put the puppy down before scooping up the one that had been pawing at his jeans. He was pretty sure this one wasn’t a puppy, but just small. He held it up at arm’s length, staring into its eyes for a moment.

“Jesus fucking Christ. I would die for you.” He said calmly. The dog didn’t respond.

“They would die for you too.”  

Lance turned, holding the dog close to his chest as he looked from the threat only to see a pair of amused eyes watching him. He felt his mouth drop.

“Are you a _dog whisperer_?”

“Oh yeah,” The boy said smugly, crossing his arms over his chest “I know all thoughts of all dogs at all times.” He said, smirking a little. Lance blinked, amazement washing over him as he tried to not look terribly awed by that fact.

“What’s this one’s name?” Lance asked, holding out the current dog he was holding to the boy. There were a few moments of silence where he looked at the dog for a second, whispering lowly and nodding to himself before rising again.

“Naruto.”

“Holy shit.”

“I know, right?” The boy snorted and held out his hand “I’m Matt. Who are you?”

“Lance!” Told the stranger brightly before putting Naruto down to play with Butter on the ground.

“Nice to meet you, Lance. Do you often come here to look at dogs?” He asked, a small smile playing at his lips as Lance gave a long sigh.

“No… I am just stressed and sad and drunk and I miss my mom,” He rambled “And I can’t hang out with the birds because they are _rude_.” He added, throwing a nasty look at cages at the other end of the store. The birds squawked in response. Evil. “I also meant to go get some cookies to lick and then trick my roommate into eating them… but somehow ended up here. What about you?” Lance shrugged. Matt seemed unphased by Lance’s initial plans.

“I do the cookie thing to my sister all the time,” He nodded “I’m heading into space soon so I’m getting my fill of as many dogs as possible before leaving… Aforementioned sister is hogging _our_ dog so this was naturally the solution.”

“You’re going to space?” Lance asked, a little mystified “ _I_ am going to go to space one day!” He said eagerly “My friend’s boyfriend – Takashi Shirogane – he’s going to space too!” He added and Matt paused a little at that before giving him a strange look. “He’s probably going to see aliens and stuff.” He added, hoping to impress the dog whisperer. Who wouldn’t want to meet _aliens_?

“Aliens, huh?” Matt said and petted another dog “Wouldn’t that be crazy?”

“So crazy,” Lance sighed and kissed the head of another dog “This is the cutest puppy I’ve ever seen.” He declared. Matt laughed.

“That’s a cat.”

“ _You’re_ a cat.”

“I mean…alright.” Matt rolled his eyes “Well the cat’s name is… Pickles.”

“Pickles is a dog,” Lance insisted and scratched Pickles behind the ears “I would _live_ for you.” He said – because it was rough being told you were a cat when you were very clearly a dog so Pickles needed to know _someone_ was on his side.

“Right…”

“I wonder if dogs want to go to space,” Lance rambled “I bet you that they do. They should be able to go to space. Dogs should go! They should live their dreams!” He said and his voice caught a little at the end. Goddamnit. Let these beautiful creatures _live_.

“Dogs don’t belong in space,” The shopkeeper told him, looking a bit irritated as she walked by. Lance bristled. He hadn’t noticed her return and didn’t appreciate the giant bird on her shoulder. “They belong with nice owners.”

“Nobody asked you, Linda.”

 _“Karen_ ,” She spat at him “Stupid, child.” She muttered and Matt made a noise of disapproval from beside of her. Lance was hardly phased.

“Oh my God,” He whined “Karen. Linda. Kathy. Helen. You’re all ugly,” He muttered, arms crossed. Matt choked, almost dropping the dog he was holding.

“ _Did he just call you ugly_?!” He half-screeched and half-laughed. Patricia glowered.  

“If you’re going to be rude-”

“I’m sorry,” Lance interrupted her, picking up Butter again. “I shouldn’t have called you ugly.”

“Thank you.”

“It’s just that I thought you already knew.”

“OH MY GOD!” Matt shouted “Karen. Karen did you hear him?! I – Oh wait. My sister is calling, one sec.” He said and flicked open his phone “Katie! You won’t believe – what?  Wait, no. Katie – don’t… _Touch my pokemon cards and I’ll feed you to Bae Bae_!” He shouted and the store went quiet at the intensity of his voice “Honestly Katie just fucking kill me…. Wait. No, don’t go through my stuff! It’s not… _It’s not a diary!_ Stop it!” He yelled and took a long breath. “I need to go,” He muttered, “Sisters are terrible.”

Lance was inclined to agree but was also scared if he said it too loudly that Veronica and Rachel would somehow appear to murder him.

“You should go too,” Eleanor told him coldly and Lance stuck out his tongue. What a mean, mean lady. It was awful that these dogs had to…

Oh no.

Oh _God_ no.

The dogs. He couldn’t leave them here with _Megan_. She was horrible!

Really…There was only one solution. He picked up Butter, Naruto, and Pickles… Looked Susan dead in the eye…And ran.

“LOOK OUT!” He yelled “I’M SAVING LIVES HERE! MOVE IN THE NAME OF THE LAW AND FOR OUR LORD AND SAVIOR THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA!”

He was off. Out of the store, past Matt (‘Did you fucking _steal the animals_?!’), past the downtown area, right to where the dorms were. The dogs were yelping in alarm as he went, squirming a bit in his arms. Lance looked around him and placed them down.

“Sorry about that… I had to save you.” He grumbled before brightening “But don’t worry! We can all go to space together. It’ll be fine.” He promised them and kissed each of their heads. Naruto barked. “Listen, if you have complaints then you need to fill out the proper forms, dude.” He told the dog “I don’t have time for them all right now. We need to sneak you in my dorm.”

He wasn’t sure how his roommate would react to three random dogs being shoved into their room, but he also lived to make his evil roommate’s life Hell so…. He couldn’t say it weighed on him too much.

Wait. Maybe Hunk would help with them. After all, his best friend _was_ running an illegal kitchen at the Garrison. Maybe the dogs could help somehow. Mob dogs. He snickered a bit. Mob dogs…. Clever name.

Pickles mewled a bit, rubbing up against his legs as Lance was suddenly hit the realization that was a single mother of three.

“Oh no,” He whispered. He didn’t have a stable income. He didn’t have the necessary supplies to give these beautiful children the lives they deserved. He was one boy with a dream of going to space. Dear God, he was having trouble passing algebra - _was he ready to commit to his future like this?!_

But it wasn’t like he could hand them back over to Debrah in her bird Hell.

How could this happen to him?

“Hey… Kid? Are you alright?” Somebody asked and Lance spun around to see a man dressed in all blue wandering towards him. He was watching Lance with his eyebrows raised and lips barely parted. Lance bit his lip.

“Hi… I have an issue.”

“Okay, I’m a police officer. I can help.” The man said and Lance pursed his lips, looking him up and down.

“I kidnapped three dogs and now I’m not sure if I can handle the responsibility,” He finally sighed “Can you help me conduct an interview so that I can find them good homes? Preferably students in the Garrison so the dogs can live their dream of going to space.”

“I… That one is definitely a cat.”

Lance gaped, outrage crawling in his throat as he looked down at the animals and back to the police officer.

“The amount of _disrespect_! I am a single mother of three and you want to tell me - _me_ what is a cat and what is a dog? Me? My cousin is a lawyer… Granted he is a divorce lawyer and is very bad at his job, but you should still be intimidated!”

“Sir… Is there a chance you are drunk?”

“I mean I had an entire bottle of rum so I wouldn’t rule it out.”

“….Follow me.”


	13. Basically Under Arrest (Part 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Lance continues his adventures with his three adopted children

“This is the most pimped out Uber ride I have ever seen!” Lance gasped as he walked over to the car, mouth agape in wonder “It has lights and _everything,_ dude.”

“This is a cop car,” The guy in blue told him before holding out a weird looking rectangle with a straw sticking out of it “Breathe into this for me.”

“What? Why?”

“To see how much alcohol you’ve had.”

“I just told you! An entire bottle of rum.” Lance nodded to him. Hadn’t he heard him say that before? “Don’t worry though…My tolerance is pretty high.” He murmured and kissed the top of Butter’s head. “And I was responsible and didn’t give any to the dogs.”

“Thank God for that,” The man sighed “How old are you?”

“How old are _you_?” Lance threw back “You look…Fifty. No, no…Sixty.”

“I’m thirty-six.”

“Huh,” Lance said, tilting his head “I’ll write down my skincare routine for you. You should _know_ that white peoples’ skin needs extra care or it won’t age well. Don’t worry though. You’re pretty and if you start now you’ll be looking young for years to come Mr… Uh, what’s your name?”

“Officer Hale.”

“Ooh. Fancy. Right. So you have to get a really good moisturizer-”

“Can I get some ID?” Officer Hale interrupted and Lance rolled his eyes before digging out his student card and handing it over. Naruto nipped at his hand. “You’re… Sixteen.” He said, sighing. “Not surprised. Why were you drinking?”

“Why not?” Lance frowned. Weren’t they supposed to be discussing the dogs right now? And potentially a new skincare routine?

“It’s illegal for starters.”

This… Was unexpected.

Lance figured the drinking age was eighteen or whatever. That was what it was back home. But like. They enforced that here? Was he in actual trouble?

“You have to be twenty-one to drink.” Officer Hale continued and Lance almost dropped the dogs.

 _What_? This had to be a joke. A horrible, horrible joke. The officer did not smile. Lance held the animals tighter to his chest. He stared, absolutely dumbfounded. Pickles purred.

“Listen. Get in the back of the car and I’ll try to figure out where you stole the animals from so-”

“No!” Lance yelped “You can’t take them back there! Mary-Sue was so _mean_!” He argued, thinking back to the woman and her evil squad of birds. He made a face at the memory and pressed his nose into the dogs’ fur. The officer sighed and pointed him towards the car.

Right. Lance had a new task at hand. He couldn’t let those dogs go back to that store… He had to think of something – anything – that would buy them some time so he could find good homes for them. Shuffling towards the car, he glanced over to where the officer was typing something on a hologram and then stared at the driver’s door. Naruto barked.

“That’s a terrible idea!” He scolded the dog in a hushed whisper. Naruto barked again. Lance bit his lip as the dog whined, pawing at his shirt.

“Goddamn, you are so cute… Okay, let’s do it.”

* * *

So…Lance couldn’t drive. He didn’t know how to sober, let alone drunk.

He realized this the second he pulled away from the curb.

“Guys…We’ve made a mistake,” Lance informed the dogs (all of which he had buckled up safely in the seat next to him) “This is grand theft auto plus canines.” He grumbled. There was a knock on his window.

“Sir…Sir, please step out of the car.”

Holy fuck. This officer was managing to keep up with a _moving car_? Lance gaped a bit. Incredible. He checked to see how fast he was going.

Two miles per an hour. He tried to translate that to kilometers but was too tired to actually think of the right conversion. The officer tapped the car window again.

“Sir, you’re heading towards that tree.” He said, pointing to a large oak in front of them. Lance narrowed his eyes.

“I’m going too fast!” He shouted, “I don’t know if I can slow down in time!”

“Please just hit the brakes and-”

Lance pressed on the brakes. Except it was definitely the gas because they jolted forward straight into the tree. Lance stared at the steering wheel in horror before turning to his right.

“Is everyone okay?!” He cried, looking to where the dogs were. Pickles was asleep, sprawled out on the seat so that Butter and Naruto were pushed together one side of the seat “Oh my God… We made it.” Lance whispered. More lights flashed behind him. “Fuck. They’re going to put me away for good after this.” He whispered.

“Sir, _please_ get out of this vehicle.” The officer called, but was interrupted by someone else walking up to them.

“Dad, I brought you dinner and…what happened?” A new voice said, “Did you crash your car?”

Lance perked up. He knew that voice. Rolling down the window, he pushed himself half-way out and waved.

“George! George hey! You’re a nice guy! Do you want a dog?”

There was a beat of silence.

“You….Know him?” Officer Hale asked, turning to the local grocery clerk that Lance occasionally complained to about the United States and their ridiculous ideas on tax. Naruto barked from the seat beside him.

“Uh…” George said and looked at Lance for a few seconds “No.”

* * *

So Lance was now sober enough to realize he was kind of fucked.

Not his normal amount of fucked either. This was a genuine sort of ‘you are a dead man walking’ sort of fucked. His mama was going to fly to America to decapitate him. Dear God. And Veronica? Oh boy. Oh _boy_.

Maybe he could sweet talk his way out of this…Maybe he could-

“Why…are there maracas in your bag?”

“I’m not sure your ready to have that conversation with me,” Lance sighed, scratching behind Pickles’ ears. Officer Hale put down his bag slowly, brows furrowed, but he didn’t push the matter. “Um… Do you know when I can leave?” He asked, a little hope edging into his voice. He was handcuffed to the inside of a new police car with Officer Hale typing away at the front seat. He glanced up from his computer.

“Well…we have to return the animals to the pet store and book you downtown. Then we’ll call your parents-”

“Wait!” Lance interrupted, a bit of panic lacing his tone “My family is all in Cuba…”

Not technically a lie. Veronica was visiting for the weekend.

“Ah… Well once we confirm your identity we can just contact the…” He started and trailed off as the computer in front of him beeped. “Huh.”

“What?” Lance asked, trying to lean over and see the screen behind the barrier “What is it? Is that bad?” He said and the officer turned to him, eyebrows raised. Before he could answer, there was a knock on the window.

Ugh.

“Hello Ellen,” He greeted, not looking at the woman in question as Officer Hale lowered the window. The pet store owner sighed.

“ _Karen_.”

“Yeah. Whatever.” He mumbled and hugged Butter a bit closer “I’m assuming you’re here for the kids?” He asked and Pickles hissed at Karen, curling up in Lance’s lap. He gave her a smug look.

“Listen, hon… I appreciate you want to give the animals a good home. I promise I’ll give them to some good people. Hell, if you come back to the store tomorrow - sober - I’ll cut the price for you.” The woman said and Lance paused at that. He looked to find the familiar evil in her eyes only to find it had diminished slightly…Must be the absence of the birds.

“Really?” He said quietly and she nodded “Thanks, Karen.” He sighed “I’m sorry I stole your dogs and - wait. Is that a cat?” He frowned, looking down at Pickles. Karen shrugged.

“After all your insistence…I’m not sure anymore.” She said, reaching through the window to collect the animals. Butter whined.

“I’m sorry….” Lance waved at the sadly “I won’t forget you! I’ll think of you every day from prison-”

“You’re not going to prison,” Officer Hale sighed.

“Really? Aw. I was going to get a cool tattoo… I was thinking I could get Pickles, Naruto, and Butter’s name on my chest or something.”

“I will personally make sure you don’t go to prison to keep that from happening.”

“Wow. Thanks, man.” Lance said, putting a hand over his chest, a bit flattered. He looked out the window to where Karen was putting the animals in the back of his car and sighed. “I’m going to miss those guys… Hey, officer. You want to grab some pizza or something?”

“That sounds like a bad idea.”

“I have many more,” Lance assured him “Maybe we can just get some candy from the store. I really like Kit-Kats.” He tried but was ignored when the man’s phone started ringing.

“Nathan, I’m at work….No. No…Ask your brother, I’m in the middle of driving a kid to the station. What? He’s uh, sixteen. I don’t know. Let me ask.” He said and lowered the phone so he could talk to Lance “My son wants to know if you’re cute and gay.”

“I can confirm that I am cute. Some might even say adorable.”

“And the rest?”

“I am tragically into females.”

“Sorry, Nathan,” Officer Hale said “I don’t think it would have worked out anyways… He apparently might be a prostitute.”

“I’m sorry,” Lance called out loudly “I might be a what?” He said and when the officer continued talking, tried again “Did you just say I was a prostitute? Are you going to tell my mom that? Because I would rather you not go down that road. Sir…? Sir… Officer? Listen, man-”

“I don’t know, kid. Your picture popped up for a wanted prostitute.” 

What the fuckity fuck was this nonsense?

“Interesting, interesting. Listen. I am known to be quite talented in that regard, sure, but I’m not paid. Call me a philanthropist.”

 _“Dad are you sure he’s not gay?”_ Nathan’s voice came from the other end of the line and with a roll of the eyes, the officer snapped the phone shut.

“If it is a mistake we can fix it at the station,” He said with a long-suffering sigh and started the car. Lance pouted before leaning against the cool glass. Maybe he should take a nap. A nice…long…

“Wait,” He frowned “Why do you even have prostitutes on file? Is my doppelganger missing or something?” He asked a little alarmed. Maybe there was some sick psycho out there who was into murdering beautiful 16-year-old Cuban boys. Dear God. That wasn’t how he wanted to go. Poor Prostitute-Lance might be dead in a ditch somewhere and he was next! In fact… How was he to know this wasn’t some awful sham? Maybe this was all some set-up to lure him in _Officer Hale_ was actually the serial killer…

Holy Hell he was going to die.

“Shit this,” He whispered and tried the door “Oh my God. Oh my God I’m going to die-” He muttered when the door didn’t budge.

“What? No prostitution is just illegal… Do you know _any_ U.S. laws?” He asked and Lance paused in his attempt to escape to let the information sink in.

“I do know American laws!” He objected “Half of them are just insane is all…”

“Are they?”

“Let me tell you something about sales tax, buddy…”

* * *

“Right. So we just need someone to confirm you are not…Loverboy Leo and you are free to go.”

“The prostitute’s name is Loverboy Leo? That’s awesome!” Lance said brightly, putting his chin in his hand as Officer Hale clicked at the computer at the desk Lance was currently handcuffed to “Loverboy Lance has a nice ring to it…The dude might be onto something…”

“You have one phone call,” Hale sighed and pushed a phone towards him. Lance bit his lip.

“Uh…Maybe I should get two? Not to be greedy or anything, but the guy I’m calling can be kind of a dick so he might not come to get me. He’ll be all like…'Alejandro it isn’t that I don’t believe you stole three dogs and a police car while drunk. It’s just that I don’t care’, you know?” He said, mimicking the voice in a high-pitched squeal. Officer Hale rubbed his eyes and checked the time. Three in the morning. Wow. Time really flies by when you’re having fun.

“It isn’t that I don’t believe your friend will leave you here to rot until the next day…It’s just that I don’t care.” He muttered and pushed himself away from the desk.

“…that’s really immature of you, officer. I…Please come back. Listen so I can have two calls then? Are we in agreement on that? No? Yes? Right. Can I have my cell phone? Because I just don’t know his number by heart either. We aren’t at that level yet.”

“Who brought in the loud kid?” Someone called and Lance glowered.

“I can read your arrest form from here _Gavin_. Don’t think I don’t see you got arrested for public nudity. You should be ashamed of yourself!” He yelled back and the man cuffed to the adjacent desk from him flicked him off.

Officer Hale came and read off the number from his cell phone.

Right. This was fine. He wouldn’t be too mad, right?

“Ugh…Hello?” Adam’s voice came blurrily over the phone and Lance winced.

“Hi.” 

“Lance…? It’s like three in the morning.” Adam’s voice came from the other end of the phone, slightly groggy. Lance looked around and shifted a bit uneasily.

“I… Kind of need your help.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anddddd you know the rest! 
> 
> Also, to clarify because I saw it in the comments and I forgot to mention this. I know the U.S. is super strict on drinking laws so I'm definitely not promoting underage drinking (or prostitution, i suppose lol) but before I moved to the U.S. I remember the drinking laws of my country being incredibly lax. Like...Eh. Nobody really cared - the law was more of a guideline. I'm working under the assumption other Hispanic countries have similar views so that's why Lance's thought process is so flippant. 
> 
> But yeah. Don't drink, drink and drive, or steal dogs/police cars. 
> 
> P.S. If you guys read Basically a Family then you might recognize Officer Hale as the guy who popped up during Adam's bachelor party. He's trying his best lol


	14. Basically The Analysis of Romantic and Platonic Relationships by Matthew T. Holt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I don't know... Do you think he would say yes if I asked him out?" 
> 
> Matt glanced up from his textbook to where Adam was staring at the wall in a state of crisis. Wow. What a dumbass. He went back to the book. 
> 
> "Probably not. He's out of your league." He said and Adam made a choking noise in response. 
> 
> "You're such an ass! He did make out with me!" Adam muttered and Matt rolled his eyes. He hated these two idiots and their inability to do the simple things in life. How hard was it to say 'hey. I like your face. Please let me kiss it indefinitely'? 
> 
> No matter. If they were going to be annoying about it, Matt would at least have some fun. 
> 
> "Yeah, but he is straight so...." Matt started "I mean, guys make out with their friends platonically all the time." He reasoned and Adam turned to look at him with wide eyes. Jesus Christ. Matt had to remind himself that this poor, poor child had grown up with almost no exposure to the real world. 
> 
> "Really? That's a thing?" He asked, a little uncertain. He was biting his lower lip thoughtfully and all Matt could think of was how Shiro was going to kill him. 
> 
> "Yeah." 
> 
> Or
> 
> Matt is the worst wingman. Ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ao3 is giving me grief over this chapter summary - sorry if it changes 10000000x lol. Enjoy my boy Matt being an idiot.

Matthew Theodore Holt's villain backstory started when he was almost eighteen years old.

An innocent child, he was well aware of his best friend's incessant crush on the one and only Adam Frasier. The boy had entered their class after the rest of the cadets - having had some rich parents who were able to sneak him into the program. While he was cute, Matt figured Shiro's chances were incredibly low. Mainly for the fact...Well. Shiro had fucked up his introduction so badly that the two had become enemies.

The good news was that Shiro had redeemed himself and eventually the pair became friends (with Matt of course being the wonderful friend they both shared). Then... It happened. Approximately three years later, Matt had walked in on tragedy.

 _Tragedy_.

"What's the difference between a b-305 axel and a c-305 axel?" Shiro was asking when Matt walked in their room. Adam was studying with Shiro, which wasn't unusual. Matt had grown accustomed to having the boy spend a lot of time with them. He actually liked Adam.

However...The pair didn't seem to realize Matt had walked in, both absorbed in their studies as Adam floundered over the answer. After spitting out his response, Shiro leaned in and - _what the fuck_?

Seriously?

It wasn't like Matt hadn't expected this. He knew it was coming. He had known for awhile. He had hoped it would have happened after they graduated (which, granted was only a semester away - but _still_ ).

But right in front of him? In his own room? Blasphemous. Horrible. Terrible. It should be against the law. 

Matt had left the room to bang his head against the wall a few times. He figured this was the end. He would have to deal with these two morons for the rest of his life.

Or...Well. He thought so. Up until the next day when Adam sat next to him in their advanced aerodynamics and engineering course and hit him with a ‘do you think Takashi’s gay?’

The man who Shiro was kissing yesterday had looked him dead in the eye and asked him this. Matt didn’t know what to do. 

“Uh....What?” He asked for a lack of a better response. Adam groaned. 

“He kissed me yesterday! That means he probably likes boys...right?”

Holy fuck. Holy fuck. Holy fuck. 

Matt could not just...let this opportunity pass him.

”I...don’t think he is.”

Adam sighed. Matt almost screamed. 

"I don't know... Do you think he would say yes if I asked him out?"

Matt glanced up from his textbook to where Adam was staring at the wall in a state of crisis. Wow. What a dumbass. He went back to the book.

"Probably not. He's out of your league." He said and Adam made a choking noise in response.

"You're such an ass! He did make out with me!" Adam muttered and Matt rolled his eyes. He hated these two idiots and their inability to do the simple things in life. How hard was it to say 'hey. I like your face. Please let me kiss it indefinitely'?

No matter. If they were going to be annoying about it, Matt would at least have some fun.

"Yeah, but he is straight so...." Matt started "I mean, guys make out with their friends platonically all the time." He reasoned and Adam turned to look at him with wide eyes. Jesus Christ. Matt had to remind himself that this poor, poor child had grown up with almost no exposure to the real world.

"Really? That's a thing?" He asked, a little uncertain. He was biting his lower lip thoughtfully and all Matt could think of was how Shiro was going to kill him.

"Yeah.”

* * *

"I can't believe I'm dating _Adam fucking Frasier_!"

Matt's day just kept getting better.

"I know," He grinned as he collapsed on his bed, looking over at his friend. Shiro was pacing back and forth, looking a little frazzled as he seemed to try and comprehend the situation at hand "What did you say to him?"

"I asked him if he wanted to go to the movies and he said yes!" Shiro told him, wringing his hands "The movies are good, right? That's good..." He reassured himself. Matt nodded in approval.

"Definitely. Did you make it clear he's this was a, uh, date? Like... Did you tell him _explicitly?_ "

"What? No...? We made out like three times now. I think he can put the pieces together." Shiro snorted and paused "...Right?"

"Absolutely," Matt agreed "I mean, you did make out three times." He smiled and tapped his pen absently on his thigh. Shiro sighed.

"I can't believe I'm dating Adam. Frasier." He repeated in a state of euphoria and stress. Matt chuckled.

"I don't think he believes it either, Shiro." He answered and grabbed one of his blank notebooks. He needed to record this moment down.

 _Day 1 of Operation Straight Shooter: I have made a startling discover_ , he wrote and looked up where Shiro was still pacing in excitement,  _Two men. Two variations of the truth. I will attempt to manipulate variables in an effort to see how stupid they can be and for how long. Below is a list of my methods and materials..._

* * *

"But, he held my hand! Matt, _he held my hand_!"

"Oh?" Matt yawned "That's nice. He does that a lot." He shrugged and Adam groaned, burying his face in his arms. "Can we get back to studying now? I've heard enough about Shiro's platonic love for you." He snorted and Adam bitterly opened up his notebook, scowling at the words in front of him.

"Maybe... I'm just seeing things that aren't there. I need to date someone. I've been really weird since Walker broke up with me."

Ah, shit. Abort. _Abort_.

"What? No! No, don't do that!" Matt floundered as he dropped his pen. "That's...No good." He shook his head "You need time to discover yourself, my man. To figure out who you are as a person without another person. You know, embrace the single life." Matt explained. Adam pouted.

"But how am I supposed to get over Takashi?" He asked and Matt felt himself almost cave. The poor guy looked a little sad.

Then...Matt thought about the grossness he had walked in a month ago and shook his head. No. He had to have his revenge. Adam and Shiro would be gross for the rest of their lives. Matt was under no illusion that they wouldn't be the one and only once they started dating. It would be over. And Matt would have to deal with them being gross _for the rest of his life_.

"Read a self-help book." Matt shrugged "Find your inner strength."

"I still think fucking my way out of problems is the way to go."

"Has anyone told you that you are an incredible slut?"

"Is that said with disgust or admiration?"

"...A little of both."

"Solid." Adam shrugged and Matt pulled out his notebook, flipping it to a blank page before scribbling down his note.

_Day 29 of Operation Straight Shooter: One subject is experiencing intense bouts of uncertainty within the confines of the experiment. Interference was made so that potential disaster has been avoided. I'll be applying several theories later to demonstrate the perseverance of each method of thinking. To be continued._

* * *

"I didn't think he would be so...Shy." Shiro said as he took a bite of his food "Like, he doesn't want to do _anything_. Not that's a problem! That's fine. I just...Kind of heard lots of rumors that he was big on that sort of thing so..." Shiro trailed off, wrinkling his nose "Maybe he doesn't actually like me that much."

"Or," Matt said as he piled ketchup on his tater tots "He is trying to go slow because he really _does_ like you and doesn't want to mess it up with sex." He suggested and Shiro paused in picking aimlessly at his food to consider this notion. Slowly, a hint of a smile touched his lips.

"You think?" He asked and to Matt's utter disgust _blushed_. "He's so sweet!" He groaned and put his face in his hands.

Ugh.

"A real Prince Charming," Matt sighed and right on cue, Adam tripped into the cafeteria. The room paused as he crashed into the floor, laying completely still for a moment before giving everyone a thumbs up - still making no effort to move. "You two really are made for one another." He said dryly.

_Day 58 of Operation Straight Shooter: They're so fucking stupid. To be continued.  
_

* * *

"Is it normal to tell your platonic friend that they're beautiful?"

"Uh huh."

"What the Hell? Maybe I've been going out with straight people _this entire time_." Adam yelled, distressed as he scribbled violently into his sketchbook. Matt fought to keep his expression completely blank.

"Well...You do kind of look like a girl. I wouldn't be surprised if the guys you were with thought that."

"I can't tell if you're being serious and it distresses me." Adam snapped back and continued to sketch, tongue sticking out slightly in concentration "I hate my life."

"It truly is very tragic," Matt agreed "I would hate being so rich and good looking and-"

"Fuck off, Holt." Adam muttered and sighed, picking up a new pencil to continue his work. Matt had learned recently that despite most of Adam's sketches being in black and white, he needed at least a thousand pencils. They had different _weights_ or something? Matt was baffled. They all looked the same to him.

"...Are you drawing him?" He asked and peered over Adam's shoulder and - yep. There was Shiro, caught in mid-laughter "Dude. You have it so bad."

"I thought I told you to fuck off?"

"Make sure to add some eyeliner if you want it to look realistic-"

"I was going to draw you next, but if you keep being a _dick_ then forget about it."

"No, no!" Matt gasped "I'm a beautiful subject - don't be mad! I'll be quiet now." Matt said and Adam rolled his eyes, going back to his work "Hey...Do ever imagine Shiro asking you to draw him like on your French girls - I'm sorry!" He yelped when Adam looked back up at him, eyes blazing with irritation. "Okay. I'm done."

_Day 72 of Operation Straight Shooter: Tensions are high. Uncertain how much longer this will last...There is a very high possibility that one subject will reveal his feelings to the other subject before either figure it out. Must figure out if discourse is needed. The pining is honestly unbelievable. Need to consider putting them in the same room as a couple to see various reactions. To be continued._

* * *

_Day 94 of Operation Straight Shooter:_

_Neither subject seems to realize the thought process of the other. Shiro is of the belief Adam is a big believer of taking it slow. Adam is a big believer that Shiro is a very affectionate friend. There is no telling how far this will go until one realizes. Yesterday, Shiro bought Adam flowers. He responded by nervously laughing, punching his arm, and saying ‘thanks bro’_

_I have no comments about this interaction. I don’t need to have any. The reaction is self-explanatory. I hypothesize -_

“What are you doing?”

”SHIRO!” Matt yelped and shoved his notebook to the side. “Uh...hi! What are you doing back here? I thought you were hanging out with Adam?” He said and his friend sighed before plopping down on the ground and hitting his head repeatedly on Matt's knee.

"My. Boyfriend. Is. Stupid."

"Were...You unaware of this when you asked him out?" Matt asked, raising an eyebrow. Shiro glared at him. "I mean, I understand. He's a fucking genius with some shit...but I'm thinking he sold his common sense to obtain that level of knowledge." He said and Shiro continued hitting his head.

"He _didn't know I was gay_."

Ah...Fuck.

" _What_?! Are you serious?" Matt gasped "What do you mean? You're _dating_!" He said, trying to put as much outrage as he could in his voice. Shiro rose his hands in agreement, gesturing wildly as he attempted vocalize his outrage.

"I _know_! He didn't know! How could he not know?! He kept saying he thought it was platonic to kiss his friends - I knew he was sheltered, but what kind of childhood did he _have_?!" Shiro shouted and threw his hands in the air "I can't believe this. I cannot believe..."

"That's wild... How did this even get brought up?" Matt asked, hoping that some idiot hadn't come along and spoiled his fun.

"He said he had nobody to go to pride with."

Fucking - he should have known that parade would have outed his plan...Along with Shiro, apparently.

"Well...Are you guys officially dating now then? Same page?" He asked and Shiro relaxed at bit at that before nodding a little. Matt paused and opened his notebook again.

_Day 94 - Part 2: Things have taken a turn for the worst...Experiment paused while research in analyzed. Will write in more detail later. To be continued.  
_

* * *

"MATTHEW THEODORE HOLT!"

...So they found out.

"Hey..." Matt smiled when the door slammed open, revealing a very angry Shiro and Adam. He waved from where he was attempting to cook - it wasn't going well. He had been under the impression that making food only required following the directions. Turns out it was somehow much harder than that. "What are you guys doing here?"

"This is the common kitchen area-" Adam began, but was cut off by Shiro pointing a finger at Matt, nostrils flaring as he looked at his best friend.

"You told Adam I was _straight_?!"

"And out of your league," Adam supplied "I think that's important to mention...Because I'm in your league. I totally am." He nodded, crossing his arms. Shiro glanced back at him and nodded.

"You told Adam I was _out of his league_?!" He rectified and pinched the bridge of his nose "And you told him it was normal to just...make out with people? And that I hold hands with everyone?"

"You hold _my_ hand!" Matt objected, giving up on trying to season the stupid chicken and leaning back against the counter. "So like...There's that."

"You knew that Adam and I were dating! And...You knew that he didn't know!"

"Wait...So I knew that you knew...but he didn't know?" Matt asked, tilting his head to feign confusion. Shiro blinked, crinkling his brows as he mulled over the response.

"No. Wait. You knew...That he didn't know, but not that I didn't know that I knew."

"No, no." Adam interrupted " _He_ knew that _I_ didn't know and that _you_ didn't...Um. He knew...Actually..." He pondered for a second and Shiro shook his head.

" _You know what you did_!" Shiro yelled and Adam nodded in agreement.

"Yeah! You jerk!"

"You _jerk_!"

"Boo! Boo Matt!"

"You _suck_!"

"Oh my God, you two." Matt groaned "Shut _up_." He snorted and raised his hands "Fine. I might have played around with you a bit...I admit, it wasn't ethical. It certainly wasn't a good friend move on my part...But come _on_. It took you _three months_ to realize? You guys have to take some credit on being stupid." He reasoned and immediately realized that was probably not the right thing to say. His friends were both pretty strong...And Matt was small.

He had make a mistake.

"Let's throw him in the lake."

 _"No_!" Matt screeched and picked up a raw chicken leg to keep them away "The lake is _gross_! It has algae and fish in it! _Fish_!" He tried and when Shiro took a step towards him, threw the chicken with a yell of terror, reaching for more as Adam circled around the other way "I JUST DIDN'T WANT TO DEAL WITH YOU GUYS BEING NASTY ALL THE TIME! CUT ME SOME SLACK! YOU WERE GOING TO GET TOGETHER EVENTUALLY!" He screamed, ducking under the table.

"YOU'RE A SELFISH DICK, HOLT! TO THE LAKE YOU GO!"

"I'M SORRY!" Matt pleaded "DON'T MAKE ME GO IN THE LAKE!"

"...Fine. You don't have to go in the lake." Adam sighed and Matt popped out from under the table.

"Really?"

" _No_."

* * *

"I'm cold," Matt sniffed as he pulled another towel around his shoulders and shivered "You guys are _mean_."

"Don't act like you didn't deserve it." Adam told him and handed him some hot chocolate. "You can't postpone people getting together because you want _attention_...That's my thing." He added and Matt spluttered a bit at that.

"I...I didn't want _attention_!" He gasped "How - First of all. I'll have you know, I don't even like you two that much. I don't need your attention." He grumbled "I just didn't want to have to see your tongue in his mouth forever. That's all." He reasoned. Adam rolled his eyes and flopped down next to him.

"Yeah, whatever. What movie are we watching?" He asked and Matt blinked as Shiro appeared by his other side and threw his legs over the both of them, leaning against the bed. Matt looked between where he was mashed between the two before tapping Shiro's leg.

"Me too?" He asked, trying to keep the surprise out of his voice.

"Obviously," Adam yawned, throwing an arm around him "Do you need a blanket or something?"

"...No. But you two don't want time alone or something?" He pushed and Shiro moved his leg to kick his side.

"Nope. We just want to watch a movie with you...Unless you decide to be a _jerk_ again." He added aggressively and Adam hummed in agreement.

"Yeah. Such a jerk."

"Jerk face."

"Yeah, _jerk face_!"

Jesus. Matt sighed. This was the rest of life... Shiro turned on the TV and Matt couldn't help but think this wasn't as terrible as he thought.

* * *

_Day 100 of Operation Straight Shooter: The experiment has concluded. The results are as follows: When two idiots fall in love and are very bad at communication it may take them awhile to realize they are in a romantic engagement. This could partly be due to worrying over the needs of the other (i.e. enough space, not wanting to come on too strong, spoil a friendship, etc...) and also due to an outside chaotic force playing God._

_Alas, they will eventually figure out through the power of some shit like true love...Or homosexual events that each feel required to attend._

_However, it should also be noted that friendships are still held highly valued despite the recent creation of a romantic relationship. More research to be done later, but currently...Satisfied with conclusions. Experiment now finalized and will not be continued._

_-Signed and Reviewed by Matthew T. Holt_

* * *

"Is...Is this a joke? _Matt_!"

"Hello dearest sister! How art thee?" Matt asked as he stretched across the couch, smiling as the eighteen-year-old hissed at him. He only grinned, knowing exactly what she was pissed about.

"I spent three _years_ working on my book!" She growled at him, pointing an accusing finger. Matt nodded. It was a very good book. He had read it a few times already. After the war, Pidge had set to work writing a tell-all of the team's experiences as Voltron. She claimed it was so people would stop interviewing her about it, but Matt claimed it was because she was a nerd. "And you somehow _beat me for best author_?"

He loved his life.

"I worked hard on what I published!" He objected, putting a hand over his heart "Don't you dare put down my work, Katie!"

"Your dumbass just published your old diary!" She whined, throwing her hands in the air. Matt scowled.

"It's not a diary!" He objected "It was a scientific journal of one of the experiments I did before-"

"It was a diary of you fucking with Shiro and Adam before they realized they were dating." She snapped at him "You beat me by _one_ person too!" She groaned, running a hand over her face "Fuck whoever that one person is." She muttered, flopping down to sit next to him.

"Yo Matt! This book is awesome!" Adam called as he walked into the room "I really like how you broke the hypothesis down and...What's wrong with you?" Adam asked, looking over at where Pidge was turning bright red.

"You...Bought...Matt's book? Of him tricking you?"

"I prefer to think of it as the book of Takashi and I falling in love." Adam shrugged. Pidge stood back up, walking across the room so she could jut her finger at the end of his nose, making him a little cross-eyed.

"You said you didn't want to buy _mine_!"

"Well...I have Takashi to tell me what happened in space."

" _He was dead half of the time_!"

"This is a very good point," Adam said, pushing up his glasses "However, when put into Kuron's body he actually received his memorie-"

"I can't believe this," Pidge groaned " _Traitor_." She told him and collapsed on the ground. "Ugh. Whatever...Congrats on your romance novel, Matt." She told him and stuck out her tongue. Matt grinned at her, but was stopped when his phone beeped loudly. He pulled it out and paused.

"Those evil little maggots..." He whispered and Katie rose an eyebrow at him. Wordlessly, he handed her the phone, watching as her face brightened. Matt scoffed. Whatever.

"Ryan and Jenny bought _a thousand copies_ of my book to donate to public libraries!" She squealed and threw Matt's phone back at him. "HA! My friends are _awesome_ and I am now the top-selling author in the _world_!" She beamed and danced around the room "See ya, _loser_!" She called, bumping into Shiro as she dashed away. Matt pouted and looked up at where Adam was staring down at him.

"Please?" He asked and the man rolled his eyes and turned to his husband.

"Takashi, we have to buy a thousand and one books to donate to charity."

"I already ordered them."

Matt was satisfied with his conclusions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Headcanon that Adam was the one who taught Keith to draw (:
> 
> Also... The sad ones are coming up next :( They are the last ones from tumblr I need to upload before we're all caught up. Just a warning that there is angst ahead!
> 
> Lastly, for those of you who need a quick reminder on the Hale family, a handy diagram is [here](https://caffeinatedflumadiddle.tumblr.com/post/182529222868/the-hale-family-explained). I know you can make it bigger on mobile devices, but I haven't tested it on computers so it might not work on there.


	15. Basically Sacrificed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Keith…” Shiro said and sat down next to the bed “About Adam...There’s something I need to talk to you about.”
> 
> “Let me guess. You guys had some really awesome make-up sex and ended up eloping without telling me?” Keith rolled his eyes. He wasn’t sure what he was expecting. “I’m surprised he isn’t here to rub it in my face.” He pressed because where was he? Surely… Surely he wasn’t that mad about Keith running away? Oh God. Wait. “He’s going to kill me, isn’t he?” Keith asked, and despite it all, felt his lower lip pucker out slightly “About getting kicked out of the Garrison and leaving? I mean – I fought in a war so he can’t say too much, right? Plus I’m an adult now!” He added, a bit indignantly.
> 
> Shiro didn’t smile. In fact… He looked tired. Almost like he wanted to lay down and just…Stay down. Keith frowned. It seemed out of place on the man. Shiro never gave up. On anything. Especially when talking about his boyfriend who was ‘the best thing humanity ever dished it’ (an actual quote from Takashi Shirogane after Adam told him he looked cute one morning).
> 
> “Adam is dead.”
> 
> Or
> 
> Keith hears that Adam died. It hurts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING! THIS IS SAD! ANGST! SADNESS AHEAD!
> 
> {This was from one of the original fics but got cut because it was too sad to really go with the tone of the series – so same universe, but not terribly humorous – deals with death/mourning themes}
> 
> Note: this also takes place before it is revealed that Adam and Lance knew one another - so before the third chapter of the storytelling part of Basically Home Schooled

“Is Adam ever going to visit me?” Keith asked, taking a sip of tea “I’ve been in this hospital for three days and I have yet to get a welcome back. I know he’s a baby, but I expected some sort of hello.” He said and smirked a little “I even got him a present.”

…the present being a stone that definitely didn’t turn your hair blue, but whatever.

Shiro paused. Keith wondered if he had hit a sore spot. He and Adam _had_ broken up after all… But really, Keith didn’t expect that to last too long. The pair were completely whipped by one another. It was ridiculous. He once saw Shiro pick out all the raisins out of an oatmeal cookie and replace them with chocolate chips because Adam mentioned in passing he wanted Chips-Ahoy. Adam once walked in on Shiro crying and bought him not just one, but – a _hundred_ stars on that stupid NASA website and named them after all of Shiro’s favorite things.

It had been kind of sweet to learn there was a star out there named ‘Keith’ …The moment wasn’t as sweet when he learned there was another star called ‘Protein Shakes’.

“Keith…” Shiro said and sat down next to the bed “About Adam...There’s something I need to talk to you about.”

“Let me guess. You guys had some really awesome make-up sex and ended up eloping without telling me?” Keith rolled his eyes. He wasn’t sure what he was expecting. “I’m surprised he isn’t here to rub it in my face.” He pressed because where _was_ he? Surely… Surely he wasn’t _that_ mad about Keith running away? Oh God. Wait. “He’s going to kill me, isn’t he?” Keith asked, and despite it all, felt his lower lip pucker out slightly “About getting kicked out of the Garrison and leaving? I mean – I fought in a war so he can’t say too much, right? Plus I’m an adult now!” He added, a bit indignantly.

Shiro didn’t smile. In fact… He looked tired. Almost like he wanted to lay down and just…Stay down. Keith frowned. It seemed out of place on the man. Shiro never gave up. On anything. Especially when talking about his boyfriend who was ‘the best thing humanity ever dished it’ (an actual quote from Takashi Shirogane after Adam told him he looked cute one morning).

“Adam is dead.”

Keith stared. The words sounded faint. Almost as if he had imagined them. Dead. He said dead, right? Or…Maybe red? Why would Adam be red? Led? Ted? Bed? None of those words made sense.  

“What… What do you mean?” Keith found himself asking. It was a stupid question, really. Shiro sighed and launched into something about orders and Galra and sacrifice.

Sacrifice. Adam. Dead. Sacrifice.

No. This was some kind of fucked up joke… And Adam was going to jump around the corner and make fun of him for being worried (and Keith would be _pissed_ for a while over it).

_Aw, demon. You care? I’m so flattered!  
_

Shiro’s explanation continued. Keith put a hand to his chest. It felt weird. Like he couldn’t remember how to breathe right. Panic whirled in his stomach. Something was wrong. Had they given him too much medication? Was he poisoned? Why couldn’t he _breathe_? He almost opened his mouth to call for a nurse, but couldn’t navigate through the fuzziness of his mind to do so.

Sacrifice. Adam. Dead. Sacrifice.

The words spun around his head in a dizzying array of emotions that Keith wasn’t sure how to process. He numbly realized he should comfort Shiro – the one who would be in the worst pain. But the shock hadn’t worn off yet. The reality still sinking in.

“We had the funeral while you were out,” Shiro was saying “I’m sorry-”

“He wouldn’t have wanted me there anyway.” He found himself saying. Part of him was relieved that his mind was beginning to work again. He shoved the blankets off of him slightly - his entire body feeling hot and clammy.

“That’s not true,” Shiro objected and closed his eyes “That’s…That’s not true.” He repeated weakly and put a hand over his eyes. He took a few deep breaths. “He loved you.”

_Eh. On a good day maybe. You annoy me too much the rest of the time._

Keith said nothing. For a moment neither of them spoke.

“I am so sorry.” He finally got out and Shiro glanced up at him.

“I should have told you sooner. I just… With everything that was going on, you needed to focus on staying alive.”

So what? Shiro had to mourn alone? Keith knew he should object to that, but the words couldn’t find themselves. So instead he just stared.

Sacrifice. Sacrifice. Sacrifice.

That was what he was. The lesser of the evils presented. A life thrown carelessly aside – and for what? What did he death actually _do_? A sacrifice normally meant something was given in return.

Adam wasn’t a sacrifice. He was an offering made in a blind hope.

For the first time, Keith felt his pity for Admiral Sanda wane into hatred.

“Keith-”

“I think I should sleep more.” He said and reached over to grab Shiro’s hand “Do you…Need anything?” He asked and made a mental note to ask Krolia to watch over the man. Shiro would take this hard and the last thing he wanted was for him to deal with this all himself.

“No, Keith. I’m fine.”

He wasn’t. Still, he couldn’t think of a way to point that out so he just nodded and pulled the sheets over him, eyes drawn towards the window. The sun was trickling brightly in, illuminating the dullness of the hospital room. He swallowed, trying to close his eyes.

_So how was space? Worth leaving me behind for?_

He couldn’t. All he saw was Adam. All he heard was Adam.

Sitting back up, he searched to find Shiro only to find the room empty once more. Keith gnawed at his lip before looking at his arm. The IV had been removed yesterday… He was technically mobile. With that thought in mind, he threw his feet out of the bed, almost flinching when they touched the cold tile.

If wasn’t that he didn’t believe Shiro… It was just that he needed to see this himself. Taking a deep breath, he heaved himself up, almost screaming at the pain as his body protested violently at the action.

_Wow. It is almost as if your body is saying you shouldn’t be doing that, dumbass._

“Shut up,” He muttered and blindly groped for some clothes. He couldn’t find the willpower to even _attempt_ the skinny jeans (did they even fit him anymore?) so he just grabbed some random cargo pants and a Garrison t-shirt before slipping out of the room.

In case anyone was wondering… The security was shit. Only one person stopped him and it was to ask if he wanted to sign a petition to get better movies to play in the hospital (he signed). He was just about to leave when he saw Shiro.

Keith almost approached him, but froze when he realized what he was holding.

“Do you need anything, sweetheart?” A woman was asking as she placed a glass of water in front of him. Shiro was in a café-like area of the hospital, sat in one of the booths with his head tilted into towards his hands and a box of things in front of him. Keith couldn’t make out most of it, but he had no doubt it held the traditional things the Garrison gave when someone died. A folded Garrison flag. The person’s uniform. Any awards they received. A few personal belongings…

A photo was clenched in Shiro’s free hand. Even from where he was standing, he could see him tremble.

“No, thank you,” Shiro said, sounding strangely robotic. Keith took a step towards him, wanting to do something…and then stopped. What was he going to say? He thought back to the time when Keith had thought _Shiro_ died. There weren’t any words that could console him… Except for maybe…

Well. He wasn’t Lance. Anything Keith would say wouldn’t be comforting. He wasn’t that kind of person. Swallowing, he turned to leave the hospital.

_Aren’t you going to comfort him?_

“Why don’t you?” Keith spat out venomously to nobody. There was a crash and Keith spun to see Adam’s things spilled to the ground, having been hit off by Shiro in a bout of anger. He closed his eyes as a few people rushed forward, picking up a few things to put back in the box while Shiro stalked away, tugging at his newly whitened hair. Silence followed.

 _Goodbye, Takashi_.

* * *

“Who are you looking for?”

Keith glanced up at the graveyard’s entrance, a bit at loss of what to do now. Were they in alphabetical order or something? That didn’t seem right. Was there a map? Admittedly, the only grave he had been to was his father’s and he knew exactly where that was since he was there when they buried him.

“Uh,” Keith said, blinking slowly at the man who was trimming some trees. It was weird. The graveyard seemed to be the only place in the desert that things grew “Adam Frasier.”

The man stopped cutting to look at him. Keith almost snapped something to get the softening eyes off of him, but instead crossed his arms and focused his gaze on the horizon.

“He’s over there,” The man told him and Keith frowned a bit. He’s over there. It sounded like Adam was just grabbing something in the next aisle of the grocery store rather than rotting away somewhere. He nodded and took a step in the direction the man had point, heart beating a bit louder as he approached what he knew to be definitive proof that Adam was gone.

“He never stopped looking for you.”

“What?” Keith asked, spinning around when the man spoke again.

“He never stopped looking for you,” He repeated “When you disappeared from the Garrison and when you and the rest went into space… He never stopped looking. He sacrificed a lot… It was a shame we had to lose him.”

_‘Lose him’? What? Did they misplace me?_

Keith wasn’t sure how to respond. A sinking feeling hit his stomach and he felt his throat close a little as he nodded and walked away before the man could reveal anything else. Sacrifice. Keith almost wanted to laugh. Did anyone even know the meaning of the word anymore? He doubted it, with how easily they tossed it around.

As it turned out, Adam’s grave was easy to spot.

Mainly for the fact it was fresh. Keith couldn’t help but wonder what they buried since there wasn’t a body found. Perhaps they buried pictures. Or things he owned. Keith wondered if Shiro had picked out something to go in the coffin. A figure sat in front of the stone, face covered by a hood, but Keith recognized the jacket.

“Why are you here?” He asked and hated how his voice cracked a bit towards the end. He cleared his throat and tried again “Lance.” He called and blue eyes snapped to his own “Why are you here?”

_Manners, demon. That’s not how you greet people._

He felt angry. Perhaps unjustly so, but angry all the same.

Lance shouldn’t be here. He didn’t know Adam. He didn’t understand the pain. Shiro’s pain. The fucking _ripping_ of his chest as he lost _another_ member of the family that he had forced from the grip of fate itself because despite everything…Adam and Shiro were _his_. Life took his father. Took his mother. It took his innocence and it took his sense of belonging. Life had taken _everything_ and Keith had thought… He had thought he had fought and clawed hard enough to earn it all back. To earn Krolia. To earn his friends. His purpose not just on this planet, but thousands of planets around the universe. And yes. Adam and Shiro. They were the family he wasn’t meant to have, but he got it anyways.

So why the _fuck_ was Lance here?

“Keith,” Came the soft greeting and he pushed back the hood to reveal his face “What are you doing here?”

“I asked first,” He said coolly and Lance stared at him for a moment. “Lance!” He said, voice rising to a shout. The other boy flinched and he pulled his knees to his chest.

“I wanted to say goodbye.”

“You didn’t even know him,” Keith snarled and fisted his hands by his side “You didn’t even-”

“What?” Lance interrupted “I didn’t even _what_?” He said and Keith was almost taken aback by the anger in his voice “What the fuck do you know? You think just because you lived with him for a while that you knew his entire life? Maybe _you_ didn’t even know him.” He hissed and took a shuddering breath before glowering at the headstone in front of him. “You didn’t even like him.”

“And you did?”

Lance didn’t answer. Keith set his jaw. Part of him wanted to order Lance away so he could scream at the grave. To demand answers. But the other part of him got the feeling Lance wasn’t the type of person to mourn for the sake of it. Maybe… Maybe they did know each other.

_You can ask, you know…I bet he has a lot of good things to say about me. Not that there is anything bad to say._

He walked towards the grave and sat next to him. Lance didn’t bother to glance over, instead propping his chin on his knees.

“I told him…” He murmured “I told him in the video to be careful. To be safe.”

Video? What video? Keith didn’t have the energy to ask.

“A lot of good it did.” He said instead. The words were cruel, but Keith’s emotions were driving him rather than his actual conscience. Lance flinched.

“Too bad you didn’t care about him as much as Shiro,” came the venomous response “Maybe then he would have had a chance.”

Keith’s bayard was on him in a second. Lance’s own bayard had opened in response and Keith felt a bit of shock register at the fact a sword was blocking his own blade. Since when did Lance have a sword?

“This. Is _not_. My. Fault.” He hissed out instead and Lance laughed.

“It never is, is it?”

“What the fuck does that mean?” Keith growled and pushed harder into him. Lance’s sword kept him away, though they did move in closer. For a second Lance opened his mouth, perhaps to spit something out in return, but Keith saw something shift. An angry fire dying into a hearth. Keith could feel the other boy’s muscle lose their previous tension.

_Whoa, whoa, whoa. I am not worth all this sexual tension. Sheath the weapons, boys…. Okay, I am worth it, but my point remains._

“I don’t want to fight with you right now,” Lance whispered and the bayard retracted. Keith stared. His own weapon retreated, seemingly without his permission. He was still on top of Lance, but it took him a few seconds to remember to move.  “I’m sorry for your loss.” Came the numb response.

“Did you really know him?”

A pause.

“He was my friend.”

Keith didn’t know what to think of that. How to process that information. Before he could figure it out, Lance spoke again.

“He taught me to shoot. Helped me when I was homesick. Explained stupid American stuff to me.” He continued and closed his eyes “He was the only person who thought I could be a decent pilot.” He sighed and Keith felt his stomach clench at that.

Maybe it wasn’t Lance who was overstepping his presence after all.

How had Keith not known they were friends?

_I hadn’t realized you knew what the word ‘friend’ meant, Keith. Since, you know. You refused to make any._

“Well… He annoyed me.”

“I know.”

“But he was my friend.”

Another pause.

“I know.”

_I was pretty awesome. Glad we established that._

They sat there for a long time. Keith was pretty sure he was memorizing the etching in the stone. The font and force that was used to write Adam’s name and the dates. Keith reached out and touched writing. It felt cool. Lifeless. He supposed graves were supposed to, but it was unsettling all the same.

A bunch of flowers were laid over the upturned dirt. Keith clenched his hand against the headstone when he realized they were tulips. The same ones that Shiro always used to buy Adam as an apology for when they argued.

“I fucking hate him.” He said and the previous anger was there again, swirling tightly in his chest.

_Um. Excuse me?_

“How the fuck did he die? How could he _do that_?” He spat out and jerked his hand away from the stone “What? You wanted more attention? Is that it?” He asked the slab in front of them.  He didn’t care that Lance was there. Or that Adam couldn’t even really hear him.

_Hey! Don’t yell at me. I-_

“You just couldn’t wait until we got back? _One. More. Week_. That was too much for you?” He shouted “We went to war! We went to _war_ for years and we lived! Why couldn’t you?!” He growled and Lance put a hand on his arm. He shook it off.

_It doesn’t work that way, Keith. You know that. I sacrificed my -_

“No! You spent your entire life trying to get Shiro to survive and you go and pull this?! You couldn’t even stick around to say goodbye?” He demanded and stood up “Fuck you. _Fuck you_.”

_Keith._

“Keith.”

Lance was looking at him with a strange glimmer in his eyes. Keith almost pulled away at the sight of it, but something in him was crumbling.

God. He was so tired. His anger drained as fast as came, leaving him to fight the thickness in his throat.

“Keith, stop.” Lance whispered and he looked down to see his hands were rippling purple. Blood was dripping from his palms and it took him a second to realize his fingers had sharpened into claws. Before he could stop himself the tears were already there. He fell to his knees.

Stupid. Stupid Adam. Stupid orders. Stupid war. Stupid Galra. Stupid… _Everything._

He didn’t pull away when Lance hugged him. He just kept crying.

_I’m sorry._

“It meant nothing. He died and it meant _nothing_.”

He expected Lance to contradict him. To give some sort of argument that would ease the sense of hopelessness of the situation. To point out the _sacrifice_ that people kept talking about. Instead, he felt the arms around him tighten before he got a response.

“It never does.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ....so Lance's version of these events is the last chapter and then we're pretty much all caught up! But yeah. It's still going to be a lil' sad. But I'll post a happy one after that! Promise lol. And I have a small surprise on the way...Potentially. If I have time this weekend. In the wise words of Barack Obama "Not really...Maybe...It's classified."


	16. Basically Dead (or Alive)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _What was it like to die?_
> 
>  
> 
> Or
> 
> Lance hears about Adam’s death. He’s confused.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MORE ANGST! This is supposed to parallel Basically Sacrificed so the sadness is still very much there. And pain. And all that fun stuff.

_What was it like to die?_

The question was originally asked to Shiro, who had been on some news program as Lance laid idly in the hospital, running his fingers through his sleeping nephew’s hair. Lance was pretty sure it wasn’t even a reporter who had asked, just somebody random who had shouted it while a camera happened to be pointed at the ex-paladin.

Shiro went silent. His brows furrowed together in thought as the crowd before him hushed and angry whispers buzzed over the insensitivity of it.

“Quiet.” Shiro answered and that was that.

Quiet. Lance frowned. Quiet. He didn’t…. He wasn’t sure _quiet_ was the right word for it. Then again, Shiro had been sucked into the Black lion whereas Lance’s death was more…

He swallowed. It wasn’t quiet… But it wasn’t loud either. It had been everything, then nothing. A stab of panic and a plethora of pain before Lance found himself cocooned in warmth – no that wasn’t right. It had been cold. Wrapped in blankets of ice.

Or perhaps he had been burning. His chest tightened and he tried to shake the thought away, tightening his hold around Sylvio a little.

It didn’t matter. It didn’t.

Even if… Even if he had the sudden urge to stick his hand in some flames to get that wildly chaotic sense of peace again.

No. It was fine. He was _alive_. That was what mattered. Everyone was alive. It was almost unheard of for a war to have such a limited amount of casualties…Well. For him at least. He couldn’t say the same for Allura. But for him. His family was alive. His friends were alive. His planet was still intact.

 _He_ was alive. That was what mattered.

He could ignore the rest.

“Hey.”

Lance jerked his gaze up to find Veronica leaning against the doorframe, a small smile playing at her lips. Lance looked around, realizing that the entire room was filled with sleeping McClains, all draped across his hospital bed as if afraid Lance might poof away in the middle of the night.

He supposed it wasn’t an unfounded fear.

“Hey,” He greeted his sister “You’re okay.”

“Obviously,” She sniffed “I don’t die _that_ easily.” She teased and Lance felt his stomach roll again. He couldn’t fault the comment – she didn’t know. Perhaps his face gave away something because her expression faltered and she winced. “Sorry.” She shook her head “God…Sorry.” She added, a bit more distressed. Lance watched her tug her fingers through loose strands of hair and smiled weakly. 

“It’s fine. I just… It feels kind of weird that it is over. For now.” He tacked on. Veronica stepped over Marco and pulled up a chair next to his bed. She looked at him for a moment, eyes soft before reaching out to touch his cheek.

“I’m proud of you.”

Lance laughed. He wasn’t sure why.

“Me? You were the star of the show, sis. I hear Nadia Rizavi has the _biggest_ crush on you.” He added, giving her a sly wink. Veronica scoffed, but there was no hiding the pleasure that hinted over her face at the praise. “What? She’s pretty!”

“Don’t try and deflect with me, Lance.”

“What am I deflecting?” He countered and Veronica sighed. She leaned back in her chair before letting her eyes flick around the room at the sleeping bodies before nodding to herself.

“There’s something I need to tell you…” She began and shook her head “Do you think you’re ready to handle some bad news right now?” She asked and Lance rose an eyebrow. Was there really a _choice_? Veronica bit her lip. “There was a… An attempt to defeat the Galra before you came. About a week before Voltron arrived.” She started and Lance tilted his head. “I was there to provide an analysis of the situation. We all told Sanda is was too dangerous, but she insisted we put pilots out to defend the Garrison.” She explained and something in Lance shifted.

“Pilots…” He began and for some reason, his heart stuttered “Which ones?”

Veronica said nothing.

“Veronica,” Lance tried more forcefully “Which ones?” He asked and when she opened her mouth, cut her off with his voice going a bit tighter “Where is Adam?”

After all… There was only one fleet Sanda would have been comfortable sending out to meet the Galra. Only one with enough experience and skills.

“I’m sorry, Lance.”

“Where is Adam?” He repeated because maybe… Maybe the bad news was that he was hurt. Badly. But not dead. Maybe the bad news is that he became some sort of war hero and was being _obnoxious_ about it but… Not dead. Maybe he was –

“There was a funeral a few days ago.”

Dead.

Huh. Everything went quiet. Lance tried to think of a reaction. Something to say. Something to… Feel.

Dead. Right. Okay.

For the first time, Lance wasn’t entirely sure what that meant. Dead. So was he… Was he somewhere quiet like where Shiro was? Or somewhere… Else, like Lance was?

Could Lance even _say_ he was anywhere at all?

“Hey,” Veronica tapped his wrist, bringing him back to his senses “Say something.”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know. Anything.”

“I’m…Sad.” He announced and Veronica nodded. Was he actually sad? He couldn’t tell. He felt more…Hollow. “Can I see the grave?” He asked, voice unwavering and even. “The doctors said I could leave tomorrow. Can you bring me to the grave?”

“Mom said-”

“Please?”

Veronica stopped to look at him before sighing. After a few minutes of silence, she nodded.

“Get some sleep though. I’ll talk to everyone about it tomorrow.” She promised and Lance laid back onto the itchy sheets. The weight draped across him suddenly felt too heavy and he would have shoved the covers off if he knew it wouldn’t have woken everyone else up.

Dead. What a strange concept…

* * *

-

_What was it like to die?_

This time, Lance was asked the question. He was packing up his things in the hospital, promising to meet his family outside when Allura had entered the room. He felt like he should be shocked by the suddenness of such a question but instead… Well. Nothing, he supposed.

“I don’t know,” Lance answered “It’s kind of like dreaming. When you wake up you can never remember everything fully. Just bits and pieces.” He said and Allura crossed her arms. Unlike Lance, she wasn’t fully able to get discharged. He wasn’t entirely for sure she was even supposed to be out of bed, but wasn’t going to rat her out.

“I see…” Allura trailed off and ran her fingers through knotted hair. It was the first time he had ever seen it messy… He almost preferred it. “I wish you hadn’t done it.”

“What? Pushed you out of the way?” He asked, a little surprised “But… You would have died. At least this way you were around to bring me back.”

“But you didn’t know that.”

“No,” He answered, “But it worked out okay.”

“I wish you hadn’t done it.” She repeated and Lance frowned at her. He couldn’t understand. They lucked out. How could she wish it any other way? Both her and Lance and everyone else were alive – who could ask for anything better?

“Well, I’m happy I did.” He said with a shrug and snapped his suitcase shut “I care about you and am happy you’re alive.”

Allura opened her mouth – perhaps to say a thousand things, but then snapped it shut before she could. They stared at one another for a moment and defeat flittered over her expression.

“I care about you too.” She sighed and Lance offered a warm smile before turning away.

* * *

-

_What was it like to die?_

This time, Lance asked it. He didn’t receive an answer, of course. Graves aren’t known for being chatterboxes. Veronica’s hand tightened around his forearm when he spoke aloud, eyes flicking between him and Adam’s headstone. He could feel the concern rolling off of her in waves.

“We should get back.” She said and slid her grip into his hand, tugging slightly. Lance didn’t budge.

“Can I stay awhile?” He asked her “I’ll be back later.”

“Lance-”

“Veronica, I-” He began and stopped himself. He couldn’t explain everything to her… Hell, he didn’t even understand any of this _to explain_. Instead, he just let his shoulders slump and fixed her with a long look “Please.”

Growing up, the word ‘please’ never worked on his sister. She was always adamant about her decision and no amount of begging or puppy dog eyes or ‘you’re my _favorite_ sibling’ worked on her. Ever. Still, things were different now and Veronica could no longer claim her baby brother hadn’t seen enough of the universe to make his own decisions. She dropped his hand.

“Do you need anything?”

“No,” Lance smiled and leaned over to kiss her cheek “Thanks, boba.”

“Come back in an hour or else I’m kicking your ass.” She informed him dryly, but the words held no real heat behind them. Lance weakly nodded, but said nothing. He waited until she had disappeared through the rows of the dead to turn back to Adam’s headstone.

So. This was how it felt.

When Shiro died… It had been panic. Panic. Regret. Pain. Screaming. Anger. Hot.

This was… This was different. It wasn’t a death in front of him. It wasn’t even a recent loss…Technically. It was hot and cold. Silent and loud. Everything…and nothing.

Perhaps this was what it was like to die.

Lance had always thought there was a difference. That the person lying in the grave would be at peace while the person standing above would be tortured. That was how it was in movies.

Then again… War hadn’t been like the movies either.

No, this was… This weird version of life and death felt the same. Maybe. He wasn’t sure.

Death hadn’t been simple for him. It had been full of contradictions and confusion and… There were no words for it. None at all. It wasn’t just quiet. It wasn’t just a dream he couldn’t remember. It was like being…Alive, but reversed? 

He sunk down to his knees. Gone. Adam was _gone_ and he had no idea _where_. Shouldn’t he know? Shouldn’t that be a fucking bonus to this entire shit show? That he at least had some sort of comfort knowing where Adam _was_?

He wondered if Adam had been as scared as Lance was. He wondered what he had thought about. Lance couldn’t even remember his own last thoughts before he died… They probably weren’t important.

“I’m confused,” He announced to the emptiness of the graveyard “I need you to come back and tell me what to do.”

Adam always knew what to do. He had an answer to everything.

Shiro came back…Maybe that meant…

He could go grab Allura. Wait. No. There was no body. Veronica had told him that.

Of course, Shiro’s consciousness had been put into a _new_ body. But where would Adam’s consciousness be? The idea that _that_ part of his friend was lost hurt. Slowly, inching forward, anger started to eat at him.

This was so confusing. It was _so confusing_.

If _he_ was the one in the grave then he wouldn’t be able to talk to Adam. With _Adam_ being the one in the grave he couldn’t talk to Lance. What. Was. The. Difference?

There was a wall and…and…Lance wanted to hit it. To scream. To shout. He sat back, head tilted a bit towards the sky before he put his hood up and drew in a shaking breath. Alone. He was alone. Adam was alone.

Because that was the thing, wasn’t it? You died _alone_. Always.

There was absolutely no difference between living and dying. At one point he might have thought so…but now? He couldn’t seem to separate the two. He took a long breath. The difference was becoming a thinning thread that was slowly breaking around him.

“Why are you here?” No. No, don’t look. It will be harder if you look. Anger followed in the next sentence - choked and hurt. “Lance. Why are you here?”

“Keith,” He said. Not really surprised, but a little exhausted all the same. He pushed back his hood. “What are you doing here?”

“I asked first,” Keith said and Lance felt his eyes pull away from the grave to where Keith was standing above him, fists clenched and eyes alight with an anger that Lance could feel rising in himself “ _Lance_!”

Lance flinched at the harshness of his tone. It almost shook him out of the cloud of numbness he felt swirled into. He searched desperately for an answer.

“I wanted to say goodbye.”

Not a lie. Not at all a lie. He wanted to say goodbye to Adam. He just wasn’t entirely sure who was responsible for leaving.

“You didn’t even know him,” Keith told him, voice flattening into something feral “You didn’t even-”

“What?” Lance hissed, cutting him off. Keith being…Well, Keith, had always had the ability to pull out any emotion out of him. From blissful giddiness to annoyance to unhindered rage. “I didn’t even _what_?” He demanded “What the fuck do you know? You think just because you lived with him for a while that you knew his entire life? Maybe _you_ didn’t even know him!” He bit out and found himself hissing through gritted teeth. “You didn’t even like him.”

“And you did?” Keith asked, crossing his arms over his chest. Lance didn’t have the energy to respond. Everything just seemed to be processing so slowly. Perhaps his silence deflated Keith because the boy plopped down next to him and they stared at the headstone in front of them.

He should comfort Keith.

He couldn’t find it within himself to gather the words.

“I told him…I told him in the video to be careful. To be safe.” He murmured instead. He wondered if Adam tried to heed those words or not. His heart thudded in his chest. Lance hadn’t been careful. He hadn’t been safe. He couldn’t hold it against Adam for being the same.

“A lot of good it did,” Keith muttered. Lance’s skin prickled at that. His numbness dampened momentarily to give way to his temper. What the fuck did _he_ know about? Keith. Keith who only thought about one thing. One person.

“Too bad you didn’t care about him as much as Shiro… Maybe then he would have had a chance.” He spat back. Keith moved at the same time as Lance – it seemed the boy’s temper was still there after all. His bayard opened, blocking Keith’s blade and all Lance could do was resist the urge to laugh at the situation.

They were fighting on Adam’s grave. How disrespectful… Then again, perhaps it would have been what he wanted.

Shock passed over Keith’s expression for a moment – Lance realized this was the first he’s seen of his sword and the paladin pressed down harder.

“This. Is _not_. My. Fault.” He gritted out, hands trembling around the handle of his weapon. This time didn’t bother to hold back laughter.

“It never is, is it?”

Not Keith. Never precious _Keith_. Nobody could fault him. He was too… Easy.

Keith with his tragic fucking backstory, his hardened exterior, and soft interior. Keith who was so skilled and so talented and so _tragic_. So heroic and the definition of every rags to riches story. So perfectly good at everything and thrust it aside because why reap a reward when you were so _naturally_ perfect?

Granted, Lance understood that Keith’s life was hard. But honestly. He was like a fucking protagonist in some show to teach children that ‘hey…you can do _anything_ ’ and Lance wanted to scream that ‘hey. _It doesn’t fucking work that way_. Sorry kids. Sometimes you lose.’

“What the fuck does that mean?” Keith asked him, bringing his back to reality. His eyes flickered yellow and it was then that Lance felt his anger waver.

Keith… What was even the point? There was no winning with him.

“I don’t want to fight with you right now,” He said, voice low and soft. Keith’s anger froze. It didn’t disappear – just momentarily halted in favor of shock. Keith’s tension left him and slowly, he moved away “I’m sorry for your loss.” Lance added, just to appease him.

Silence.

“Did you really know him?”

Lance glanced over at him.

“He was my friend,” He answered and drew his knees up closer to his chest. “He taught me to shoot. Helped me when I was homesick. Explained stupid American stuff to me… He was the only person who thought I could make a decent pilot.” He sighed. Perhaps it was Keith’s anger, but it was beginning to settle on him that Adam was… Gone.

Lance would never speak to him again. Never see him again. Never hear another stupid joke or condescending jab or muttered insults in Spanish. His chest hurt.

“Well… He annoyed me.”

Lance almost laughed.

“I know.” He answered. _Everyone_ knew that.

“But he was my friend.”

No, he wasn’t. Lance almost objected. Adam and Keith were family… Then again, what did it matter? Adam was gone. He didn’t even have a body under this pile of dirt to prove he ever even existed.

“I know.” He said instead.

Keith reached out to touch the headstone. Lance wondered if that made any of this more real for him. More… Something. He inwardly groaned. He was so tired and nothing made sense anymore.

“I fucking hate him.”

Well. Then there’s that. Lance shouldn’t have been surprised at Keith’s proclamation. After all, Keith didn’t seem like the type of person to be polite and lie about the dead in order to make their memory greater than the actual person was.

“How the fuck did he die? How could he _do_ _that_?” He spat out and for a second, Lance wondered if he would punch the headstone “What? You wanted more attention? Is that it?”

He should do something.

“You just couldn’t wait until we got back? _One. More. Week._ That was too much for you?” He shouted and Lance reached out hesitantly – afraid to actually touch the other boy “We went to war! We went to _war_ for years and lived! Why couldn’t you?!” He shouted and hot tears were pooling at the paladin’s cheek, skin rippling a dark purple as he yelled “No!” He shouted as if someone had answered him “You spent your entire life trying to get Shiro to survive and you go and pull this?! You couldn’t even stick around to say goodbye? Fuck you. _Fuck you_.” He hissed, standing up.

“Keith.” Lance called. The boy’s skin was moving, eyes flickering yellow as they filled with tears. Part of Lance was fascinated by the shift between galra and human, but he was more concerned with the blood dribbling from his palms. He wondered if he could even feel it. “Keith stop.” He whispered and almost reached out to touch him, but stopped himself.

As it turned it, he didn’t need to. Keith fell to his knees, dead eyes watching the stone in front of them. Lance wondered if he would stare at his grave like this. Hesitantly, he reached out to pull Keith into a tentative hug. When he didn’t pull away, he tightened his grip.

Keith’s body was trembling beneath his, warm and tense and…Alive. Lance’s mind was jolted from the rut it had buried itself into as he felt the rise and fall of the paladin’s chest within his arm. Alive. This was what alive felt like. He supposed there was nobody in the universe more alive than Keith Kogane. The boy gave a choked sob and Lance bit his lip, not letting go.

“It meant nothing. He died and it meant _nothing_.”

Lance considered these words. Adam had died to save Earth. Or so they said. Shiro had died to save the universe. To save them. Lance had died for Allura. But perhaps dying _for_ something didn’t make it _mean_ anything.  Finding a purpose in death is almost as useless as finding a purpose in life. You had to make your own. If Voltron had taught him anything… It was that there was no fate. No destiny. No predetermined path.

Keith choked on another sob and Lance realized he had yet to answer him. He inwardly sighed. There was no use in lying about it. Keith was too familiar with death for that. He gripped him a little tighter before answering.

“It never does.” 


	17. Basically Voltron is _________________ (Part 1)

"Is...Is it on? I don't want to edit this later - I...Oh...It is on? My bad...Let me just get ready...okay...HI EVERYONE! I'm Nathan Hale and welcome to our channel! Remember to like and subscribe below! This particular interview is going to be extra special today since I'm going to be hosting your autocomplete interview today with-"

"I don't think these kind of interviews usually have hosts," Pidge said loudly from her seat, swinging her legs "And how many jobs do you people _have_? Like, your resumes must be outstanding-" She began, but was cut off by Nathan sliding in front of the camera with a dazzling grin.

"Of course there needs to be host! Now today we have some _very_ special guests....Voltron! Legendary defenders of the universe and saviors of mankind!" He yelled and swung around to gesture to where the group was awkwardly sitting behind him. Everyone looked at each other before staring blankly at the camera.

"A bit dramatic." Hunk frowned, but was kicked by Lance, who had been nodding vigorously in agreement to Nathan's announcement.

"Right. Let's say hi!" Nathan continued as if nobody has spoken "To my left is the black paladin Keith Kogane, red paladin Lance Kogane-"

"McClain!"

"No, you're right." Keith told Nathan and Lance rolled his eyes before flicking the other boy.

"We'll come back to that," The host told them "Green paladin Katie Holt, yellow paladin Hunk Garrett, blue paladin Allura of Altea, and ex-paladin and captain of Atlas Takashi Shirogane!" He finished and the paladins brightly waved to the camera. Lance threw a few kisses until Pidge hit him. "Wow. I don't think we've ever had a such a big group in here before! Are you guys cozy?"

"Yep! I _love_ being so close to all of you!" Lance grinned and went to hug Pidge, but ended up getting smacked "Fine. I'll just cuddle up against Keith-"

"Don't even think about it."

"Damn, you guys." Lance pouted "So mean. Hunk?"

"I got you buddy," Hunk snorted and reached out to hold Lance's hand. Pidge rolled her eyes from where she sat between them.

"Somebody loves you!" Nathan said brightly.

"Too bad it isn't the guy I _married_." Lance pouted and Keith rolled his eyes.

"So I'm guessing you all know how this works?" Nathan asked. Pidge and Lance nodded while Allura vehemently shook her head, repeatedly asking what Google was with varying levels of panic until Shiro put a hand on her shoulder. "Okay, for Princess Allura and, uh, Keith's benefit-" Nathan started when he noticed the other paladin picking up one of the boards with pinched brows "We found the most searched questions for you on the web and have brought you here to answer them! Simply pull off the white tape to get the full question and we'll go from there!" He said and Lance clapped his hands together.

"I like you _so much_ more than the last TV show host we had!" He said, beaming.

"No flirting. You had your chance."

"I keep telling you that I'm married, Nathan."

"To be fair, you tell everyone that. Multiple times. A minute." Shiro pointed out and Lance scowled.

"As if _you_ are any better!" Lance told him as he was handed his board. Looking over, he peered at Keith's and then at Pidge's. "Who goes first?" He asked and everyone looked simultaneously at Keith, who sighed. Sitting up, he grabbed the board and glared at it.

"I don't understand why I'm asked to do these things..." He muttered and tore off the first question. "What is Keith Kogane?" He read off and the question was followed by a solid ten seconds of silence before Keith stared at the camera, completely deadpan and sighed. "Like...My heritage? I'm confused."

"That's what he is," Lance nodded "Keith Kogane is confused."

"Reckless."

"Mean."

"Moody."

"Are you done?" Keith asked, crossing his arms and turned when Nathan tapped his shoulder "What? Oh... Guys, I misread it." He said and turned the board around so he could read it better. After a few more seconds of silence he rolled his eyes "It says 'what is _a_ Keith Kogane?'"

"A Keith Kogane," Hunk snorted "Opposed to _the_ Keith Kogane."

"Yeah, we got the knock-off version." Pidge sighed and put a hand over her heart "Unfortunately, _the_ Keith Kogane didn't have time to save the universe with us...He had more important things to do." She said and Keith leaned back so he could hit her in the head with the board.

"I met the Keith Kogane once..." Shiro said, turning to look directly into the camera "That's who really took my arm."

"The Keith Kogane is who I really fell in love with." Lance whispered, clenching a fist over his chest. Allura gasped and reached out for Lance.

"I fell in love with the Keith Kogane as well!" She told him and everyone cried out shock. Pidge leaned over to hug Allura in sympathy as Hunk wailed at the loss of the Keith Kogane. Nathan said nothing as he watched this, only turning around to grab a water bottle and hand it to where Keith was watching the group continue their performance.

"This is why I didn't want to be first," Keith muttered and hit his husband's arm "Lance, it's your turn." He grumbled and Lance smirked, grabbing his board.

"Whatever, poser." He threw back and laughed when Keith glowered at him. "Okay... So mine is...Does Lance McClain have a twin?" He read out and smiled dashingly at the camera "Why yes I do! Her name is Rachel. She's quite annoying."

"Just like her brother." Allura said, face completely deadpan. Lance gasped and turned to retaliate, but was cut off by Nathan speaking.

"Are you two identical?" He asked and Lance shrugged.

"I would say I'm slightly better looking, but according to the paperwork...Yes. We're identical." He sighed "Although, I will say she is much better at yoga. That's the only thing though." He told them and frowned at the camera "I just can't get that wounded peacock pose down. If anyone out there is like...A black belt in yoga-"

"Shiro's turn!" Hunk said before he could go off into a tangent. Shiro frowned, he was the last one in the line they were forming, but didn't argue going next as he picked up the board.

"Who is Shiro's wife?" He read out and Keith burst into laughter "Oh no..." Shiro said as Keith continued to laugh, almost sliding out of the chair as he leaned into Lance. "This isn't how I wanted to start this off!" He complained and scowled down at the question "Um...I don't have a wife?" He said with a grimace "I _do_ have husband! Wait, I see his name right there! Can I pull this one off too?" He asked, gesturing to the question underneath it "Okay...Are Shiro and Adam best friends?" He read out and Keith immediately started wheezing.

"That's rough, buddy." Pidge shook her head.

"We are best friends!" Shiro objected

"Yeah, but this person means in a _straight_ way."

"Damnit. Guys, my wedding was _televised_!" Shiro said and turned to Keith "This is because of your homophobic ways!" He said, but was ignored since Keith was still trying to stifle his laughter. Muttering to himself, Shiro sunk into his chair, arms crossed. He made a 'v' with his fingers before gesturing between his eyes and the camera.

"My turn!" Pidge smiled brightly "I bet my questions are good - they probably have really good science questions or something." She rattled excitedly and she peeled back the white piece of tape from the board "Why is Katie Holt..." She said and struggled ripping the end piece off "Why is Katie Holt... _Like that_?" She asked and gave a sort of half-gasp, half-laugh "Like _what_?! What does that mean?" She objected as Hunk patted her arm. "Who is searching this?"

"I might have searched that one..." Hunk frowned, tapping his lip.

"Oh, I think I did too." Lance nodded and turned to Allura "What about you?"

"I did as well." She nodded and Shiro raised his hand.

"I searched it at least twice."

"I search it everyday." Keith shrugged and Pidge rolled her eyes.

"So first of all, fuck all of you...Sorry for swearing on camera. And I don't why I'm like _that_. I just am." She added with a pout and poked Hunk in the side "You're turn." She told him and Hunk made a show of readying himself emotionally by closing his eyes and raising his hands before putting the board on his lap so the camera could see. It was almost immediately obscured when he looked down, trying to read it upside down.

"Is Hunk in..." He started and paused when he pulled off the tape. Pidge leaned over, pushing his head out of the way before pointing at him.

"Finish it."

"Oh my God." Hunk groaned and Allura nodded furiously, joining Pidge's chant.

" _Finish it,_ you coward!"

"In love with Shay." He sighed and ran a hand through his hair "Listen. Everybody-"

"Yes." Lance volunteered and grabbed one of the water bottles on the stand behind him. Hunk was still sitting there, completely flustered as he tried valiantly to explain the 'very complicated relationship' to the camera.

" _Just listen_ -"

"Yes." Shiro nodded in agreement. Hunk turned bright red.

" _Shiro!_ I'm-"

"I think we have all we need for this question." Keith said and gestured for them to bring the next board forward.

" _Wow_." Hunk said and glowered at Keith "Allura, have fun." He told her and Allura excitedly picked up her board and read the first part.

"Is Allura a..." She started and puckered her lips "Is this about to say an alien? Yes! I am an _alien_ to you Earthlings." She grumbled and peeled off the tape "Is Allura a...Mary sue? What's that?" She asked looking around as Lance put a hand over his heart.

"Those are fighting words. Who searched that?" He said and pulled Allura into a hug "Don't worry...You're perfect."

"Isn't that what Mary Sue means?" Hunk frowned and Lance covered her ears.

"Shhh... Stop it!" He said and Allura pouted "It just means...Kind of a bland personality...Because you are so good everything? Am I getting that right?" Lance asked and Allura gaped, shrugging out of Lance's arms to look around.

"How _dare you_?!"

"Clearly, Allura isn't perfect. Have you seen her ears?" Lance asked and dodged Allura trying to reach over and grab him again.

"Go, Keith! Go!" Lance yelled as he continued to try and dodge Allura as she ranted about hideous human ears. Keith rolled his eyes and picked up the board again, eyeing it over suspiciously.

"Is Keith Kogane gay... Y'all are so nosy. Yes." He said and Lance stopped fighting with Allura to blow and a kiss and wave happily at the camera "Can you stop?" Keith asked him, pursing his lips. Lance grinned at him.

"I'm just so happy that the answer to that question is yes." He shot back and aimed a final kick at Allura before redirecting his attention to his next question. "Is Lance McClain single?" He read out and sighed "I hate to keep letting people down..."

"I can arrange it so you don't have to." Keith said, raising an eyebrow. Lance turned back to the camera.

"Nope! Not single. And so happy not to be single, really. So blessed, so honored, so grateful..."

"Tone it down, Romeo." Shiro said and clapped his hands together. Immediately his board fell off his lap and onto the ground "That was a mistake." He said solemnly and Hunk snorted, leaning down to hand it back to him "Okay, hopefully this one will go better. Um...What does Shiro..." He started and pulled off the tape "What does Shiro say to Lance?" He read out and looked over at Lance "What do I say to you?"

"Stop, mainly."

"There you go. I tell him to stop." He said and snorted "Why do people search this? Do they actually get answers?"

"Now they are," Hunk said "We all now know that you tell him to stop."

"I've known that for years." Pidge shrugged "Me again! I'm forgiving you all for the last one." She told the camera and went to the one directly underneath it "Is Pidge a girl? Why yes, I am!" She said "Don't tell Lance though - he hasn't figured it out yet."

"Whatever. You were fourteen - everyone looks like a boy at fourteen!"

"I, for one, looked like a boy when I was fourteen." Shiro said stoically "But Keith certainly didn't."

"Hey! I looked like a boy!" Keith objected and gaped when everyone started shaking his head.

"Nah, I've seen pictures of you." Hunk said and laughed when Shiro pulled out his phone to show Allura. "Wow, you had those ready Shiro-"

"That's _Keit_ _h_?" Allura gasped "He was so pretty!"

"Hunk - Hunk _it's your turn_!" Keith said "Hunk. Hunk _go_. _That's an order_!"

"Ooh. Touchy," Hunk snorted as Shiro got up to show Keith's pictures to the camera. "Alright, alright. I'm going!" He yelped when Keith started to get up. "Is Hunk Garrett in jail?" Hunk said, covering his mouth as he laughed "Oh my...Um... No. Not yet. I think I probably should be." He shrugged bashfully "I'm honestly a terrible influence - I am so sorry." He laughed, covering his face.

"He should be in jail for being so _cute_!" Lance said, slamming his hand down "Nevermind the organized crime! He's causing so many more problems with that smile! Can I get a warrant for his arrest?" He called and the group yelled in approval, shaking their fists in the air.

"We have some police on set, Hunk...Are you nervous?" Nathan asked him.

"Well, _now_ I am!" He laughed and nudged Allura. She had already pulled off the tape, reading the question a few times before nodding to herself and turning to read it to the camera.

"Which lion does Allura pilot? Blue! She's a sweetheart...And has a lot of dirt on Lance that she sometimes tells me."

"Wait...What?"

"Next question!" Allura beamed and when Lance loudly started asking what she meant by that, covered his mouth and nodded for Keith to go.

"These are starting to stress me out..." The paladin admitted and pulled off the next one "Where does Keith Kogane live? I... _Why do you need to know_?"

"With me." Lance answered.

"On Earth." Allura volunteered.

"He lives in a state of despair." Shiro tried and Pidge pointed at him.

"That's the one!" She shouted and clapped her hands "Pack it up, kids. We got did it!"

"Good work, everybody." Hunk said and held out his hand to shake Nathan's hand "Thank you so much for having us."

"I should have stayed with the blade." He sighed and leaned against Lance. Lance grinned and kissed the top of his head, jerking away before Keith could yell at him over doing that on camera. He was immediately distracted when Lance read out the next question.

"Is Lance McClain...going to _die_? Jesus. I mean... I haven't had this discussion with the cosmos yet, but I would assume at some point, probably."

"The universe has ended...Nothing lives...Except...Lance McClain..." Hunk whispered, holding his hands up dramatically "It's been millions of years...The apocalypse has come and gone and yet...He lives." He said and Pidge grinned.

"After taking upon a quest, he travels the nine realms and finds a god. 'Please,' he says 'why won't you let me die? It's been over a millennia!' and the god looks down at him..." She said and pointed to where Allura was staring at them with a blank expression.

"Um..." She said and looked at Shiro "I don't know this story."

Shiro snorted and shook his head.

"Next question."

"But why won't God let Lance die?!" Nathan asked, horrified. Before anyone could answer, Lance gasped, shooting up in his seat before pointing to Allura.

"YOU'RE GOD!" He shouted and everyone went quiet "Because you brought me back to life that one time! So that means you're a god in this story!" He said and scowled at her "Damn you. Why won't you let me die?" He asked and Allura rolled her eyes.

"I think this question should be directed at Shiro rather than Lance," She said and Shiro sighed, putting a hand on her shoulder.

"God," He addressed her solemnly "Why won't you let me die?"

"Adam told me not to."

"Fair enough." The man nodded and gestured to Keith "I believe it's your turn!" He said and Keith bit his lip before lifting the board up again and taking a long breath before pulling off the tape. He didn't read the question at first, simply looking at the ground for a few seconds before slowing turning the board around.

"Is Keith Kogane  _homophobic_?" Keith read out and looked up "Is this a serious question?"

"Absolutely," Shiro said, crossing his arms "It was a real issue when he was growing up."

"It makes it really difficult to date him," Lance sighed "And to think - his adopted sister is a _lesbian_."

" _Lance_!" Allura hissed "Keith just thinks Romelle and I are really good friends!" She said and hit his arm. Lance gaped and covered a hand over his mouth.

"Guys, come on." Pidge frowned "Keith is only homophobic because he hates himself."

"Oh my _God_ , Pidge!" Hunk yelled "That's too real! Shiro don't _laugh at that_!"

"You guys really suck, you know what?" Keith sighed and pinched Lance's arm. "Go." He instructed, nose wrinkled into something akin to a pout as he slouched his chair. "I'm not homophobic..." He muttered and Lance grinned, peeling off the remaining sticker with grace.

"Is Lance McClain a furry?" He said and nodded for a few seconds "You know...I'm not sure anymore. I've reached a point in my life where I have to look myself in the mirror and accept the man I am. Sometimes, I think that man might be a furry. I married a boy who can occasionally sprout purple, fuzzy ears and also has very sharp teeth. Does this make me a lesser person? Does this make me brave? I'm not sure. All I _do_ know....Is in the grand scheme of things...I doesn't really matter. Why? Because whether or not I'm a furry is irrelevant because I got myself hitched to a fine piece of ass."

"Are you fucking _kidding me_?" Keith yelled and threw his hands in the air "This is being broadcasted everywhere! I've told you a _thousand times-_ "

"Keith isn't all that hot." Pidge dismissed and when everyone turned to her, shrugged "He's _pretty_ , sure. We just saw his baby pictures. But like, _hot_? Come on."

"Um...Excuse me? Have you not seen him fight? Have you not seen the pure _glory_ of him taking down an armed enemy?"

"Why are you staring at him during battle? How are you not dead?" Pidge yelled, trying not to laugh as she gestured so wildly that she almost fell out of her chair. Keith buried his face in his hands.

"Because my husband just took down the enemy while looking _fantastic_ , Pidge! Keep up!"

"Shiro! It's your turn!" Nathan interrupted and Shiro seemed all too happy to rip off the tape. That was...Until he read the question.

"Where is Shiro?” He read and made a face as he looked around “That’s so ominous!”

“Where is he?” Pidge snorted “Please, somebody…Find him.”

“Tell us the truth Keith…Is this your search history?” Allura asked, leaning over to point an accusing finger at their leader. Lance choked on his water.

“He’s disappeared enough times that I’m not surprised it’s on here!” Keith objected.

“How many times have you disappeared now, Shiro?” Nathan asked and Shiro frowned before trying to put the tape back on the board so the words were covered again.

“I’m not sure I like where this question went.” He pouted and watched with a slight air of dejection as the tape fluttered back up “Why can’t my questions be normal?” He whined and Pidge clapped a hand on his arm.

"At least you didn't get asked why you are _like that_." She grumbled and picked up the board "Okay...Don't let me down again, guys." She told the camera and tore off the next piece of tape "How old is Katie Holt's brother? You immediately let me down." She snorted and crossed her legs, leaning forward a little as she spoke "Listen... Don't even go there with me. He's happily in love and probably too old for you."

"He's gathered quite a gathering, hasn't he?" Nathan asked and the group groaned.

"He has a small army of pre-teen girls at his disposal." Pidge said "It's the worst."

"He calls them his _Matt-ticians_." Shiro added "And he uses them for evil. _Evil_. Once, he wanted Taco Bell so he literally posted it on SpaceBook and was sent over a hundred orders of Taco Bell."

"Why does a hundred people know where he lives?"

"Did he eat it all?"

"Nah, he took most of it to a shelter." Shiro dismissed "So I guess I can't say he uses them for completely evil purposes...But still. I'm terrified of those girls." He shuddered and Pidge sighed as she gestured for Hunk to go. Hunk glanced down and sighed with relief when he saw it was the last question on his board.

"Did Hunk Garrett..." He read out and revealed the last part of the question before pausing "Did Hunk Garrett really go to space?" He read out "Where...Where else would I have gone?"

"Actually, Hunk never went to space. We just left him behind in that cave." Keith nodded "Didn't everyone know that? We couldn't bring him with us because he got sick too much."

"Ha..Ha..." Hunk rolled his eyes "I have men who will snipe you, Kogane."

"Buddy, I'm your sniper." Lance rolled his eyes "The men who will snipe him is _me_...And it's not Kogane, it's McClain-"

"Oh _enough_ ," Allura said and held up a hand "Besides...Hunk Garrett didn't really go to space. He was with... _The_ Keith Kogane!"

"Why won't you all just _stop?_!" Keith yelled as Hunk shrieked with laughter. "You aren't even that funny! I swear - _yes_ , Hunk went with us to space! Why are you asking such stupid questions?!" He shouted at the board " _Why are you doing this?!"_

"Quick, Allura! Finish this before he bursts!" Lance yelled, grabbing Keith and coaxing him back into his chair. Allura was still giggling, but picked up her board anyways, looking down at her last question. She continued to giggle as she read out the question.

"What is Allura's last name?" She said and groaned "I hate explaining Altean names..." She said, glowering the board "Okay. So royalty in Altean doesn't have last names like commoners do-"

"Oh, goodness no!" Pidge interrupted in a gaudy, fake accent "Not the _commoners_!"

"Those pesty _peasants_!"

"With their _last names_!"

"Oh? I only hear first names because I'm not _broke_."

"...I feel as though my heritage is being made fun of." Allura said blandly and everyone quieted down "As I was _saying_ , Altean royalty is identified by their house. I am Princess Allura of Altea, but my... Uh, full title, I suppose would much longer and it wouldn't make much sense in human language anyways." She said with a shrug.

"Human language." Pidge whispered "Sounds like something a Mary Sue would say."

"Why are you _like that_?" Allura threw back and Pidge stuck out her tongue. Before anyone else could speak, Nathan clapped his hands together, regaining all of their attention.

"And those questions are done! We'll take a quick break before going to the next round, okay?" He asked and everyone nodded, except for Keith who was staring with horrified eyes as new boards were whisked into the room, replacing the ones they had just read out. He picked up the new one and looked around.

"We...We aren't done?" He asked, voice going a little high with distress "There's _more_?" He asked and Lance grabbed his hand reassuringly "But...We _saved the universe!_ Why is this _happening_?" He wailed and buried his face into Lance's shoulder "I've suffered _enough_."

"Do we get lunch?" Pidge asked, crawling over Hunk so she could look around the room "Also, make sure my questions are _good_ this time! Nothing about Matt!"

"We just choose whatever is most googled, Pidge. Sorry."

"Curse those Matt-ticians!" She yelled and immediately fell off of Hunk and onto the ground. She groaned as Nathan stepped over her to wave at the camera. 

"We'll be right back! Remember, to like and subscribe. Part two will be posted in a few days!"

* * *

Comments 792M:  


_Matt-tician001: Why does my sister hate me? </3 [View: 987,345 likes and 310,481 replies]_

**_Reply from Pidgeon:_ ** _I got hate mail over this comment_

 **_Reply from Matt-tician001:_ ** _DON'T BE MEAN TO MY SISTER OR YOU AREN'T TRULY LOYAL TO ME_

 **_Reply from Pidgeon:_ ** _...thanks. I think.  
_

_TheBetterShirogane: thinking about making a porno with my husband so people will know that WE ARE G A Y  [View: 3m likes and 230,985 replies]_

**_Reply from TheBESTShirogane:_ ** _babe._

 **_Reply from KeithKOGANE:_ ** _Please. Please do not do this._

 ** _Reply from ActuallyitsKeithMCCLAIN:_** _Adam. Please. Think of Thea. She wouldn't want her dads to be porn stars._ ** _  
_**

**_Reply from_ _TheBetterShirogane:_ ** _Better porn stars than STRAIGHT_

 **_Reply from HubbaHunk:_ ** _)':_

 **_Reply from TheBetterShirogane:_ ** _No offense, Hunk...You're the only straight person out there that has my respect._

 **_Reply from Pidgeon:_ ** _He's a literal criminal  
_

**_Reply from_ ** _**TheBetterShirogane:** A criminal to the straights maybe... but a hero to the gays. I don't make the rules, Katie. _

_**Reply from TheBESTShirogane:** STOP COMMENTING ON THIS VIDEO AND TAKE CARE OF OUR NEWBORN DAUGHTER, BITCH_

_**Reply from TheBetterShirogane:** SHE AGREES WITH ME TAKASHI!_

_EsMejorQueTuEnEspañol: My grandson is right...it is Keith McClain [13m likes and 689,099 comments]  
_

_**Reply from KeithKOGANE:** Señora Camilla...Please...  
_

_**Reply from ActuallyitsKeithMCCLAIN:** HA!  
_

**_Reply from RandomPerson:_ ** _the queen has spoken_

 **_Reply from EsMejorQueTuEnEspañol:_** _...I suppose if he does not choose to be a McClain... It is no real loss to us. He does not moisturize._ _  
_

_**Reply from ActuallyitsKeithMCCLAIN:** Abuela, por favor_

_**Reply from EsMejorQueTuEnEspañol:** you're tearing our family apart  
_

_**Reply from ActuallyitsKeithMCCLAIN:** I thought you liked him! You helped plan our wedding!  
_

_**Reply from EsMejorQueTuEnEspañol:** It is not my fault. Much like you, Alejandro...I fall victim to pretty faces. _

_**Reply from TheBetterShirogane:** Camilla, I think you may need to borrow my glasses. Keith is a rat. _

_**Reply from AgentKroliaKogane:** What is a rat?_

_**Reply from TheBetterShirogane:** ....A lovely Earth creature. _

_**Reply from AgentKroliaKogane:** I see...Well, either way. It is Lance Kogane.  
_

_**Reply from EsMejorQueTuEnEspañol:** LA DIABLA  
_

_**Reply from KeithKOGANE:** thanks mom  
_

_[comments are no longer being accepted]_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have any questions you think they should answer let me know! Consider it a Valentine's gift since I love you so much.


	18. Basically Voltron is ______________ (Part 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Aw," Hunk crooned "Keith! He watched you draw! I think Lance has a crush!"
> 
> "No I don't!" Lance yelled as he spun around "Liar! I - how could you even -? Maybe you have a crush on him! Ha! Got you there!" Lance told him, hitting the side of his chair. Keith grimaced and tapped Lance's arm. "What?"
> 
> "I have a crush on you too." He said with a roll of his eyes and Lance flushed, but smiled as he sunk in his seat.
> 
> "That's so embarrassing for you." He grumbled and Allura made a fake gagging noise.
> 
> "It's your turn, Lance!" She said "Stop pretending you aren't in love with the guy you married and go."
> 
> "In case anyone is wondering," Shiro said, turning to the camera "You know how everyone thinks Adam and I are just friends and it is really annoying because we are obviously in a relationship?" He asked and Nathan nodded "Well, it's like that with Keith and Lance too, except the person who thinks they're just friends is Lance." 
> 
> "He could have married me as a friend!" Lance objected as he picked up his board.
> 
> "I did not." Keith informed him and Lance turned to him with wide eyes.
> 
> "You married me as a rival?" 
> 
> "Do you want me to be annoyed?"
> 
> Or 
> 
> The questions continue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> very long chapter. Get a snack. Some drinks. Prepare yourself for nonsense.
> 
> Also...Warning: lots of references to sex in this one. nothing explicit tho. PG-13 probs...Actually. not PG-13, but that's because I swear a lot. Not the sex bit.

"WELCOME BACK EVERYONE!" Nathan yelled as he popped on camera "We are here today with Voltron for an autocomplete interview! This is part two so if you missed the first one click here to get all caught up...Did you click it? Is it clicked? No? Yes? Awesome! Let's get back into things. Our wonderful heroes have been fed and are ready for a round two! How are we feeling?"

"Betrayed that we aren't finished." Keith said dryly and Lance handed him a doughnut "Still betrayed, but not as mad about it." He added and Nathan nodded as everyone else settled back down into their seats as they picked up their new boards. Lance grabbed Keith's, successfully keeping it was from his newly powdered fingers.

"I'll pull yours off while you finished that." He snorted and Keith shrugged, licking his fingers clean as Lance rolled his eyes and pulled off the first piece of tape on Keith's new board. "Ah...I messed it up." He winced when some of the writing came off with it. "Wait. No it's fine. You can still read it." He said and turned to show Keith.

"Is Keith Kogane left handed?" The paladin read and punched the air, getting some powder on Lance as he did so "FINALLY! Something good!" He grinned.

"That's good?" Allura asked, but was shushed as Keith went to answer the question.

"Yes! I am, except it can vary with different weapons. Swords I'm pretty ambidextrous with, which is a tactical advantage because-"

"Look what you've done..." Pidge sighed and Lance kicked her.

"Let him talk about his tactical advantage!" He said as Keith continued explaining the different nuances to hand dominance and weapons. It went on for a good two minutes before Lance spoke again. "He also draws with his right hand." He announced and Keith went silent at that.

"Oh yeah... But only sometimes. Depending on how easy it is to smear the ink and stuff - how do you know that?" He frowned, turning to Lance.

"I've seen you draw, dumbass."

" _Aw_ ," Hunk crooned "He's watched you draw! I think Lance has a _crush_!"

"No I don't!" Lance yelled as he spun around "Liar! I - how could you even -? Maybe _you_ have a crush on him! Ha! Got you there!" Lance told him, hitting the side of his chair. Keith grimaced and tapped Lance's arm. "What?"

"I have a crush on you too." He said with a roll of his eyes and Lance flushed, but smiled as he sunk in his seat.

"That's so embarrassing for you." He grumbled and Allura made a fake gagging noise.

"It's your turn, Lance!" She said "Stop pretending you aren't in love with the guy you married and _go_."

"In case anyone is wondering," Shiro added, turning to the camera "You know how everyone thinks Adam and I are just friends and it is really annoying because we are obviously in a relationship?" He asked and Nathan nodded "Well, it's like that with Keith and Lance too, except the person who thinks they're just friends is Lance."

"He could have married me as a friend!" Lance objected as he picked up his board.

"I did not." Keith informed him and Lance turned to him with wide eyes.

"You married me as a _rival_?"

"....It's like you want me to be annoyed with you."

"Sorry, sorry!" Lance said hastily "I'm going! No need to get all moody..." He grumbled and started fumbling with the tape "Does Lance...Does Lance...." He said as he struggled to get it off "There it is! Does Lance Kogane have kids?” He read off and sighed “We need to get this surname thing sorted out, babe.” He muttered and pinched the bridge of his nose “No kids, though. At the moment anyways. We’ll stick to accepting random eggs from aliens right now.” 

“Yeah, Pidge. Do you know what the egg is yet?” Keith asked, leaning over. 

“Not a clue. I’ll tell you when I get to it! I’m sure it’s fine. Probably a customs things.” She dismissed, having been cleaning off her glasses “Do you guys actually want kids?”

”Uh...I don’t know," Keith shrugged, eyes flicking to Lance nervously "Probably? One day? I'm not sure how to feel about it. Kids are kind of...Breakable.” He grimaced and pulled his jacket around himself. Lance rolled his eyes.

"I threw my nephew into the ceiling once. They aren't that breakable." He reasoned and before anyone could voice concern towards that statement, Shiro spoke again, alarm lacing his tone as he leaned forward to look at the pair.

”You....Did talk about this before you got married, right? Everyone knows to talk about this before marriage!” He said and Keith rolled his eyes.

”Yes. Kind of. Neither of us really care that much so.....I mean, it’s so far in the future. We literally got married three months ago.”

”Yeah!” Lance agreed “We have a solid five years before we even have to think about it, right?”

”Exactly!” Keith gestured "Besides, based on how horrible Thea is..." He shuddered and Shiro rose an eyebrow at that "I mean...I love her... She's wonderful....And didn't steal my lunch the other day..."

"You're bullying a newborn."

"She's _four_ , Shiro. You have to stop calling her an infant." Keith groaned and at Shiro's gasp, pointed a finger at him "You know I'm right!"

"It is kind of weird..." Pidge told him "You tried to swaddle her the other day."

"She was cold!" Shiro objected "And stop acting like she isn't a baby! She is! Four is still a baby. That's practically an infant still. I don't know what you guys are talking about...Keith is barely out of childhood!" He shouted and Hunk raised his hand.

"Aren't you four?" He asked and Allura choked on her water. She turned to look at Shiro, who was pinching the bridge of his nose, with wide eyes before spinning back towards where the rest of the paladins were snickering.

" _What?!"_ She demanded " _What do you mean he's four_?!" She yelled and put a hand over her heart "Oh my... We brought a child into war?! He doesn't look like a child? He's married! He... He..." She stammered and Pidge put a hand on her arm.

"He was born on a leap day." She said and the Altean stared "His birthday technically only comes around every four years." She explained and tapped her lip "So I guess, he wouldn't be four...Wait. Let me do the math...He's like...Around seven or eight?" She guessed and Lance gasped.

"A _baby_! An _infant_!" He cried, throwing a hand over his arm "Shiro come here and hold my hand right now! We can't have you wandering off!"

"Did you remember to feed him?" Keith asked, nudging Lance "And where's his toy lion? You _know_ he can't sleep without it." He snickered and Hunk rolled his eyes.

"And you guys say you aren't ready for parenthood." He snorted "Hey...Shiro it's your turn. Do you need help reading the questions? I know there some pretty big words on there." He said and Shiro pursed his lips.

"I'm ignoring you." He informed the paladin with a sniff and picked up his board. Not paying attention to how Nathan was chortling in the background, he read off his next question. "Does Takashi Shirogane dye his hair?" Shiro read out and tapped his chin "You know, I don't...but I've been thinking about it. I wouldn't mind having my normal color back." He said and Keith rose an eyebrow.

"You would dye it black?" He asked, resting his chin in his hand as he looked at his friend with doubt. Shiro shrugged.

"Either that or like....Hot pink. Like Lavagirl. She was my hero growing up."

"Strange choice of hero, but I respect it." Lance told him, but was cut off by Hunk scoffing.

"Shiro, come on." He frowned "Everyone knows you're a purple kind of guy."

" _Purple_?!" Pidge gasped, sitting up and everyone immediately started talking over one another in outrage.

"Now wait a minute-"

"He has a point..."

"That's a sin."

"Some serious discourse over Shiro's hair color," Nathan noted and Shiro shrugged, putting a hand to the tips of his hair "Why don't people comment what they think his next hair color should be?" He asked the camera and grinned "Look forward to reading those comments." He said and turned to Pidge. "Ready?"

"...No." She said and turned to her board "Okay...Is Katie Holt a robot?" Pidge read out and sighed.

"Like... A real robot?" Allura asked with a tilted head and poked her cheek "She feels like a normal human to me." She mused and Pidge rolled her eyes as the Altean continued to pinch her cheeks. From her other side, Lance was nodding.

"Yeah," He shrugged "Doesn't everyone know that?"

"I knew that!" Hunk volunteered "If you poke her in the eye she malfunctions sometimes."

"I'm not malfunctioning - poking people in the eye _hurts_!"

"Sounds like something a robot would say," Lance clicked his tongue "I would poke Keith in the eye to prove a point, but I'm not sure how it works with galras."

"I can poke you in the eye." Keith suggested and Lance turned to stare at him "...Or not."

"Why is poking people in the eye the scale of humanity?" Pidge snapped and turned to Allura "What would happen if I poked _you_ in the eye?" She asked and Allura shrugged.

"I would grow another one, I suppose." She answered and everyone went quiet "What? Do humans not do that?"

"So to sum it up..." Shiro said, clasping his hands together "I think we've decided Pidge is a robot via the eye poking test."

"How did I know this was going to happen?" She muttered and pushed up her glasses "You know... I'm taking this as a compliment. Robots are engineering miracles that are formed from flawless mathematics and top grade materials. I would be _honored_ to be a robot. So fuck you." She said and leaned back in her chair. Allura patted her shoulder.

"Does this mean you have an off switch?" She asked curiously and Pidge threw her hands in the air.

" _Seriously_?!" She asked and crossed her arms. "Go ahead, Hunk." She said and her friend laughed before holding up board.

”I'm actually getting into this! I like how these people's mind work...A little worried about some of the stuff their looking up, but still." He said and ripped off the tape "Ah...Immediate regret." He snorted "Is Hunk Garrett Little Tuna?” He read and out and paused “I’m not sure I can answer this...” he said and glanced off-stage “HEY LIONEL! Can I answer this?”

”My brother is here?” Nathan asked, sounding dismayed as he turned in his chair “Oh...Hi Lionel.” He greeted sourly when a man wearing a beanie and cargo shorts casually walked on camera to whisper something into Hunk’s ear. He glanced over at the camera and threw up a peace sign before leaving the stage again.

“My lawyer says I can’t answer that....” He shrugged and Pidge scoffed, tipping her chair back so it was balancing on two legs. "Sorry!"

"Your lawyer looks like a drug dealer."

"Pretty sure he was..." Nathan muttered, glaring at the direction his brother had walked off in.

"I know," Hunk said fondly "He's the best. Anyways. Umm...Yeah. Little Tuna. What a guy..."

"I'm pretty sure Skull Crusher is the reason that's on there," Lance said with a snort. Hunk turned to look at him. "He just texted me and asked if it showed up in the game. I think some friends of yours planned this to call you out." He snorted and Hunk gasped, putting a hand over his chest.

"What the Hell, David?" He asked "I feel called out and attacked."

"HUNK!" Lionel yelled form off-camera.

"Sorry, sorry. Um...Next question?" He shrugged and turned to where Pidge was staring at him. "What?"

"You have a personal lawyer," She told him "And a friend called Skull Crusher. That's such big dick energy."

"You are really into the BDE, aren't you?" He asked "Well...Robots have pretty big dick energy so I hear you're pretty much there." He told her and Pidge blinked at that before nodding enthusiastically.

"Yeah. Yeah! You're right!" She said and grinned at the camera as Allura started reading out her next question, having been ignoring the conversation going on next to her.

"When are Allura and Coran's birthday?" She read out and gasped, clasping her hands together "Oh this is a lovely one!" She said as everyone else groaned. "What?"

"Altean birthdays are _weird_." Pidge said "We tried to celebrate Allura's birthday on the ship, but we couldn't figure out what the Hell she was saying." She told Nathan, who was watching the exchange with interest.

"They aren't weird! It is quite simple. My birthday is when the first junipberry blooms and Coran's is when the a raindrop touches sand."

"So...Anytime it rains on the beach?" Lance sighed "He must be ancient." He said and Allura crossed her arms.

"Well human birthdays are just as confusing!"

"They're not! It's a date that comes and goes once a year." Hunk argued "You know exactly when it is and can plan accordingly." He said and Allura shook her head vehemently.

"But it doesn't _mean_ anything!"

"Yes it does! I means its our birthday! Do Alteans not have calendars?!"

"What's a calendar?!"

"...I think we've figured out the issue." Shiro snorted and ran a hand through his hair "How about you tell us when it's your birthday and we can celebrate then?" He asked and Allura shrugged.

"It was yesterday."

"WHAT?!"

"Allura! Why didn't you say anything?!"

"There aren't any junipberries here! You can't know that!" Lance argued "I'm calling bullshit! And what qualifies as the _first_ junipberry anyways? Like the first ever? The first of the year? How is this decided? This is a scientifically lacking method!" He yelled, hitting a fist in the palm of his hand. Pidge clapped her hands together.

"EXACTLY! Look at that! He's using a science based argument! _I taught him that_." She shouted and stood up on her chair to ruffle Lance's hair "I'm so proud of you."

"...That actually means a lot to me." Lance whispered, pretending to choke up and Allura put her chin in her hand, watching the situation with unimpressed eyes.

"So we're going to have a birthday party after this, apparently." Hunk said and turned to Allura "How old did you turn? I'll pick up some candles." He asked and Allura blinked.

"Why would I need candles?" She asked suspiciously "They were not present during my birth..." She trailed off and Hunk nodded.

"Okay...New idea. How about you write down Altean birthday traditions and we'll do them later?" He asked and Allura brightened, nodding eagerly at the proposal.

"Wonderful!" She beamed "Keith go ahead and answer your question!" She said and Keith, who had now finished his doughnut, grabbed his board from Lance and ripped off the tape.

"Is...Keith Kogane Steven Yuen?" Keith paused and looked around "What's Steven Yeun? Is it someone famous?" He asked as everyone shrugged and looked around. "Um...No. I'm not...Steven? At least I don't _think_ I am." Keith frowned and Pidge waved her phone around to gain everyone's attention.

"It says here that Steven Yuen is a fictional character in this dystopian novel." She said and tucked a foot under her leg as Lance leaned over, trying to read the article off her phone "Apparently there's a series of books called _Somewhere in the Universe_ and it's like a historical horror thing. Steven Yeun is one of the main characters in it...Other characters include Josh Keaton, Taylor Bex-Klaus, Jeremy Shada, Kimberly Brooks, and Tyler Labine." She read off "They're all actors in the early twenty-first century trying to deal with the horrors of this place called Hollywood in America and bunch of crazy political stuff is going on." She shrugged.

"I want to see!" Lance said and brought out his phone "This book sounds dope...Oh check out the fanart of Jeremy Shada. He's a babe!" He gasped "I might read these books...Do they have Spanish translations?" He mused, scrolling down. "Early twenty-first century, huh? My abuela grew up back then. I'll have to ask her how accurate this is." He asked and Pidge sighed.

"She might be the only one who knows. All the historians are super sketchy about that time. There's like a blank in the timeline. I guess during the third world war a lot of information was erased through cyber attacks - or that's the theory anyways. Other experts think that everyone _purposely_ got rid of any evidence."

"Evidence of what?" Hunk frowned and Pidge threw up her hands.

"I don't know! It's the biggest mystery of all time! And all the old people _refuse_ to talk about it. Has you grandma ever said anything?" Pidge asked Lance and he put his phone, down with a shrug.

"Yeah...I mean she talks about growing up a lot, but nothing about the war." He frowned "Mainly she talks about how cool their technology was back then...Even though its like, archaic, compared to what we have now." He frowned and turned to Nathan "Hey - do you have a conspiracy theory channel? We should go on that! We can figure out what happened in the third world war!" He gasped and Keith rose his hand.

"Have we established that I'm not Steven Yeun? Why do people think I _am_? He's not real!"

"Maybe you look alike," Lance suggested and brought out his phone again "Let me look at the fanart...Jesus. Steven is a babe too! Who drew this? Can they draw me?" He asked and Keith grabbed the phone out of his hand to look at it before staring at the screen.

"Really?" He asked the camera " _Really_?"

"What?" Lance frowned "He's good looking! Not at _your_ level of course-"

" _Just because he's Asian doesn't mean we're the same person_!"

"Oh," Lance said and squinted "I see the issue."

"Hey!" Allura called, leaning on Pidge to also read over her shoulder "That's a quote from the book! Steven said that - maybe you guys are the...Uh. Nevermind." She paused when Keith turned to glower at her "I thought you were from Texas?" She added and Keith sighed. "What?! You guys told me. Keith is from Texas so he's Texan. Lance is from Cuba so he's Cuban. Hunk is from Samoa so he's Samoan-"

"Texas is a _state_. It's not the same as ethnicity or race."

"Who are we racing?!" Allura demanded "Are we winning?"

"Let's have this conversation later," Shiro interrupted and Allura scowled as Hunk threw an arm around her.

"Don't worry," Lance said "My question will probably be so wonderful that we can all focus on relaxing again...Oh." He said after looking at the board "Or not. Is Lance McClain a _bottom_?" He read and looked up at the camera "This is not a real question."

"It is." Nathan informed him. "I checked it a few times to make sure it was real."

"Bottom of what?" Hunk demanded "He's at the _top_ of his life! Not the bottom. What's wrong with you people?"

"Oh my _God-_ " Lance started, but before he could continue, Keith raised a hand.

"I'm sorry...But. Just so I'm clear..." He began and Lance grimaced as he leaned back into his seat "You're telling me...That somewhere in the universe there are people  who are thinking about Lance having sex...and _then_ as if it isn't weird enough to be doing dishes or taking out the trash and going - hm...I wonder what Lance Kogane's sexual position is - that they go and _look it up_?! As if there is going to be _an answer_?" He demanded, voice rising as he spoke. He turned to Lance "There isn't an answer is there?" He asked.

"No. I promised I wouldn't tell anyone about our sex." He said and rolled his eyes.

"Wait. Bottoms have to do with sex?" Hunk asked "What the Heck does bottom...Oh. _Oh_." He whispered and looked at Lance "...Are you?" He asked and Lance punched his arm.

"Look at it this way," Pidge interrupted "At some point _you_ thought about this, Keith. So you should be able to sympathize."

"I married him. It's different."

"Whoever is googling this _could_ be part of Lance's next marriage!" Pidge objected "You don't know!"

"Next marriage? What happened to Keith?" Lance asked and then chuckled "He probably would die first or something." He said and when Keith stared at him, smiled "And after your death I would be so distraught that I would never date again." He added and Keith rolled his eyes, pressing his fingers to his temples as he looked at the camera.

"So," Nathan began "What's the conclusion?"

"You can fuck off," Keith snapped and pointed a finger at Lance when he opened his mouth "Don't even _think_ about it. My sex life is _not_ going viral."

"Fair enough," Lance said and raised his hands "We'll just say the answer...Switches around." He shrugged and Keith turned to gape at him. "Oh...Wait. I didn't mean - nevermind." Lance winced and turned to Shiro "Please go now. Please. Hurry."

"That question isn't on my board is it?" Shiro asked and Nathan shrugged "Oh God..." He muttered "Okay. This is going to be fine... Where to...Where to find...Takashi Shirogane-"

"We already went over this..." Keith sighed.

"I'm not done yet!" Shiro said and froze "Wait. Where to find Takashi Shirogane _porn_ link? What? _What_? I don't...I don't porn!"

"You don't porn?" Lance snorted "Hey, Keith. Want to porn?"

"I love porning. My favorite thing." Keith said dryly before looking at the camera " _Nasty_. All of you."

"They probably meant the cosplay porn," Pidge told them and everyone slowly turned to face her "What? You...You guys _do_ know about the cosplay porn, right? There are people out there who dress like us and make pornos." She shrugged. More silence. "It looks like this is a surprise to you. Um...So that's a thing that happens..." She said and clicked her tongue "Sorry?"

"How do you know that?" Allura whispered. Pidge shrugged.

"Jenny mentioned it. I got curious and looked it up. The people are actually _really_ talented. Which reminds me...I need to leave those actors a donation." She mused and Shiro choked on his water.

"Excuse me?"

"Nobody pays for porn now, Shiro! Those poor cosplayers are probably starving! They deserve some sort of financial stability!" Pidge told them firmly and everyone looked around in alarm. "What? You guys look so distraught. It's not like I'm using them to-"

"DON'T FINISH THAT SENTENCE!" Lance yelled, covering her mouth "Pidge! You're a _baby_!"

"I am legally an adult." She informed him, voice muffled by Lance's hand " _You_ would like the stuff they made of you and Keith." She added and Lance let go of her.

"Really?" He asked "Who has who pinned against the wall?"

"Well the one I saw had you both in a pool."

" _Nice_."

"Lance!" Keith snapped.

"Oh...I mean...We've _never_ had sex in a pool. How dare they?"

"That's not what I meant..." Keith groaned and looked up at the ceiling. Lance shrugged and Shiro raised his hand, regaining the attention.

"So...There's porn of people dressed up as Adam and I somewhere online?" He asked "Just to clarify that."

"I mean...Sometimes it's Adam...."

" _Who else could it be_ _with_?!" Shiro yelled and Pidge took a long breath.

"I really didn't want to be the one to tell you...But uh....So. Do you happen to have any unresolved sexual feelings towards Slav?" She asked and Keith gave a gasp of laughter as he grabbed Lance's arm. Shiro stared at her.

"...You're joking."

"No. I'm not."

"Yes you are."

"I'm really not."

"Please say you are."

"I can't do that, Shiro." Pidge said and Nathan tapped at his phone for a couple seconds before handing it over to Shiro. He stared at the phone for a few seconds, face completely blank as he pressed play. Keith was practically crying into Lance's shoulder now. Allura tried to look at the phone too, but quickly jerked away with wide eyes. Finally, Shiro returned the phone.

"Destroy this."

"I don't really have the authority to do that..." Pidge frowned and Shiro very calmly folded his hands together.

"My daughter...May one day reach the age when she visits such sites. And I swear to every entity in this universe if she comes across this...."

"This just keeps getting better!" Keith giggled, putting a hand over his face "I didn't even think of Thea!"

"At least there's none of me!" Hunk said brightly and Pidge clapped a hand on his shoulder.

"My dearest Hunk... I will just say you are wrong and leave it at that." She said and clapped her hands together "It's my turn, right?" She beamed and grabbed the board.

"Does Katie Holt have any friends?" Pidge read out and sighed.

"Haters going to hate." Lance said, grinning as he pulled her into an obnoxious hug "I'm your friend!"

"You have to say that or Shiro will yell at you."

"I will," Shiro nodded "I'm also going to find whoever has been searching this and yell at them."

"Maybe they were searching it because they want to be your friend!" Hunk suggested "You do hang out a lot with robots... They're probably worried about you."

"We established that she is a robot so she's just hanging out with her kind." Keith shrugged and Hunk snapped his fingers.

"There you go!"

"I _have friends_." Pidge insisted and gasped when a few doubtful looks were thrown her way "You guys don't think I have friends?! You've _met_ them!" She shouted and there were weak mumbles of agreement. Pidge pressed her hands together as she looked up at the ceiling "...I talk to people other than you guys." She muttered and Allura patted her hand.

"Nobody is disagreeing with you, Pidge. And we _love_ you-"

"I can't believe this. This is a rigged interview. Ridiculous. Awful."

"Pidge," Lance clicked his tongue "If you want people to be your friend you should try not being so...Insulting." He shrugged and everyone else hummed. Nathan nodded in approval. Pidge took a long breath.

"Hunk. Your turn." She gritted out. Hunk tried to hug her, but was moodily swatted away as Pidge glowered at the board. With a roll of his eyes, Hunk went to answer his question.

"What is Hunk Garrett's-"

"REAL NAME! I'm calling it now!" Allura shouted.

"Nah, it's what is Hunk Garrett's lion or something." Keith dismissed.

"What is Hunk Garrett's top secret recipe?"

"What is Hunk Garrett...That's it. That's the question." Shiro shrugged and Hunk finished ripping off the tape.

"Allura was right."

"YES!"

"Hunk isn't your real name?" Keith frowned, looking alarmed by this information. Hunk snorted.

"Nah. My real name is Samoan so lots of people aren't going to be able to pronounce it. Lance actually gave me the name Hunk."

"Because he's a Hunk." Lance added helpfully and winked at Keith "I could give _you_ a nickname too!" He said and Keith smiled right back.

"Oh, I think I can give you a few nicknames too." He promised and and Lance's smile quickly turned into a scowl turning back to where Hunk was watching them with exasperation, resting his chin on the edge of his board.

"Wait. So what's your real name?" Pidge asked and Hunk held up his hands, waiting for complete silence. Everyone leaned forward.

"Ready?" He asked and everyone nodded. Hunk turned the camera "Are you all read back at home?" He grinned and Allura slid to the edge of her seat, eyes wide with anticipation "My real name is...Akeakamai."

"What?"

"Akeakamai."

"One more time?"

"Akeakamai."

"Sorry - just...Slowly maybe?"

"This is exactly why I don't use it," Hunk snorted "Okay. So...Like...Uh. Key. Uh. Kuh. My." He said, breaking it down. Everyone nodded, murmuring it under their breaths except for Lance who was impatiently bouncing in his seat.

"It means desire for wisdom!" He burst out and Hunk grinned at him.

"How do you know that?"

"I texted your parents." He said and frowned "Wait. Is Talia and Noah Samoan names too?" He frowned, thinking of Hunk's niece and nephew.

"Noah isn't," Hunk shrugged "My mom - uh, Kiara - helped pick out his name and she is from America so....Yeah. Talia...Kind of is? I think it's Hebrew or something, but we still use it." He shrugged "My other mom - Hana - helped with her name."

"Who named you?" Nathan asked and Hunk sighed.

"My dad...He thought it sounded badass...Admittedly, he thinks Hunk sounds badass too so he's not too disappointed I don't use it outside of Samoa." He said and held up his hands "And before _anyone_ asks about my last name - that's Kiara's last name. Everyone else just went with it."

"Hear that?" Lance called "Hunk's family just accepted Kiara's last name. Isn't that _sweet_? I wish I was married to someone that agreeable."

"Me too," Keith said "Hunk...How did your mom convince them to take her last name?"

"Um...She just asked."

"Hey Lance-"

"Shut up, McClain." Lance said and grinned "See what I did there? I called him  _McClain-_ "

"Next question!" Hunk yelled and threw his board behind him. Allura had apparently already taken off the tape and was reading her question. When everyone turned to her she sighed. She mumbled something out and Nathan asked her to repeat it. Glowering, she turned the board around.

"Did Allura win the lip sync battle?" She said bitterly and scowled "I mean...Technically no. But unofficially....Maybe?" She asked hopefully and everyone looked away "Come on! I did a good job!"

"You absolutely did!" Hunk told her "It's just...You went against _Adam_. That's kind of hard to win."

"It's true...Adam is an amazing dancer too...." Shiro smiled and when Allura crossed her arms, winced. "I mean, you were fantastic! Adam probably cheated." He said quickly.

"What do you mean _probably_? Lance showed up in drag to help him!" Allura yelled and Lance grinned, winking at the camera.

"Fun fact - The most viewed video of Promiscuous by Nelly Furtado and Timbaland is the one Adam and I lip synced." He said and Nathan nodded eagerly.

"It was _awesome_. We were all so confused at the beginning because Adam was just started lip syncing the National Anthem and suddenly BAM! Lance is rolling across the floor with a Cuban flag dressed like a hooker and starts pole dancing while the music changes. A pure piece of work." He nodded and when Allura looked at him, shrugged. "I really liked yours too." He said and Allura threw her hands in the air.

"Personally, I liked Allura's better." Pidge said "I don't why, but seeing Allura sing DJ Khaled is a highlight in my life. Plus it was All I Do Is Win. That so is  _iconic_. She even _twerked_. Beauty." She said, kissing the tips of her fingers "Not to mention she lip synced _rapping_. She should have won."

"You're my only true friend, Pidge." Allura said and Pidge sat up.

"Hear that world? _I do have friends!"_ She yelled, pointing at the camera and Nathan snorted as he gestured to Keith.

"Okay...Last question for this round." He said and Keith paused in tearing off the tape.

" _This_ round? How many of these are there?!" He demanded and Nathan shrugged.

"Only three. So one more after this." He said and Keith groaned and looked down at the board.

"Can Keith Kogane get _rabies_?" He asked and rolled his eyes "Ha...Ha. You are a freaking comedian. You know _humans_ can get rabies too! It isn't a galra thing!" He yelled and Lance ruffled his hair.

"He got his shots, don't worry." He smiled "Also, Adam...We know you googled this."

"No," Keith sighed as he fixed his hair while also working to kick Lance "He would have asked if I could be exorcised."

"Can you?" Lance frowned and grabbed his hand "Babe...I really like this body you've inhabited. I wouldn't want you to possess a different one."

"Sometimes I wish I didn't love you so much...Because then I would feel less guilty about _throttling_ you." Keith spat and Shiro made a humming sound before signaling a cross over his chest.

"Exorcizamus te....omnis immunde spiritus-"

"Is that an exorcism?" Keith asked "How do you know that? Why do you know that?"

"Adam taught it to me a few weeks after meeting you," Shiro shrugged "At first he said it was a meditation thing...But then I tried to do it in public and people freaked out. Anyways...Omni satanica potestas .." He continued as Nathan opened his mouth, holding up a finger questioningly at Shiro's story, but was interrupted by a wail of despair.  


"STOP IT!" Lance shouted, laughing "HE'LL NEVER FIND A BODY THIS HOT AGAIN!"

"Lance...I'm right here." Pidge said and Lance screamed, falling to the ground.

"Nooo! Don't possess Pidge! Please! I would laugh every time we try to kiss!" 

"Fuck you, Lance."

"At least go with Hunk!" 

"OMNIT INCURSIO INFERNALIS ADVERSARII!"

"SHIRO PLEASE!"

"So..." Keith clicked his tongue and turned back to Nathan "I do not have rabies. I could get them if I was bit by a rabid animal, but... I got shots so I should be good."

"And, uh. The demon front?"

"Depends on how pissed off they make me in the next couple minutes." He said casually and tossed the now empty board over his shoulder. Looking at where everyone else was still moaning on the ground he picked up Lance's board and loudly read off the next question to regain everyone's attention.  


"Does Lance remember the bonding moment?" He called and Lance immediately stopped his groveling at Pidge's feet to innocently turn to his husband and then look at the board. Very slowly, he turned to Shiro.

"This is your fault." He said flatly "Nobody would have ever known about that if it wasn't for you being a freaking _lightweight_." He pointed at him.

"I _said_ I was sorry!" Shiro said and paused "I don't actually think I am though."

"For those of you who aren't caught up," Nathan smiled innocently as he turned to the camera "Here's a portion of Shiro's drunk history of Voltron interview from last year!"

* * *

_“...And Pidge comes to help me up and Keith cradles Lance.” Shiro said lazily, spilling a bit of his drink as he spoke. He looked down, frowning at the damage, but ultimately shrugged it off when the producer waved to get his attention again._

_“Keith cradled Lance? Was that their first romantic encounter?” He asked and Shiro rolled his eyes. From somewhere off-set, Keith made yelled in protest._

_“I mean,” Shiro said slowly and clicked his tongue “Keith was all like ‘yo. Are you okay?’ even though that motherfucker got blown up so that was a stupid question-“_

_“I’m not acting this out later!” Keith called and Shiro held up a hand._

_“Hey…hey…shhh.” He whispered and took another sip of his drink “Anyways, Lance was all 'we did it….we do make a good team…’” He said, mimicking Lance as a breathless fainting damsel. “He didn’t even answer the question. Probably cause it was stupid…And then Keith was looking at him like 'he’s totally going to kiss me, right?’ except Lance didn’t because he decided to take another power nap so Keith was just holding him like 'bruh. We were going to be gay!’ and it was sad because Lance said later that it didn’t even happen and Keith cried himself to sleep.”_

_“I did not!”_

_“Oh…I guess he didn’t….Except he did.”_

* * *

"Was I _wrong_?" Shiro asked, holding out his arms "Was I wrong?"

"I didn't cry myself to sleep!" Keith objected "That was not a thing!" He added and then turned to where Lance was gnawing at his lip "What's wrong?" He asked and Lance jumped, almost falling out if he chair in alarm at Keith's voice.

"What? Nothing!" He yelled and laughed nervously "It's Shiro's turn, right? Right. Let's see what he got!" He said brightly and there was an awkward pause as everyone looked at him.

"You...Didn't answer the question." Hunk told him and Lance gave a weak grin.

"Question? What question? Oh! That one. Um..."

"Lance..." Keith started slowly and when Lance played with the tape on another question, gasped " _You do remember_!"

"No! No, I didn't say that!"

"You _do_! I can't - How could you?! I cried myself to sleep over you!"

"You just said you didn't?!"

" _I lied_! Like you. Liar!" Keith shouted and Lance threw up his hands.

"I'm _sorry_! But I still thought I hated you back then and it felt _weird_!" he argued and Keith got up "Where are you going?! Keith!" He called and Keith picked up chair before going towards the end of the row and sitting down next to Shiro _"_ That's just immature."

"You want to talk to _me_ about immature?"

"...Nevermind." He grumbled and Keith tugged Shiro's board out of his grip so he could yank off the last piece of tape. Shiro snatched it back though, pushing Keith a little as he used his robotic arm to make sure the board was out of Keith's reach.

"What does Shiro... Hm. Any guesses?" Shiro asked, readying himself to pull off the tape.

"What does Shiro...Like to eat?" Hunk tried "Or...What does Shiro's name mean?" He tried and Allura snapped her fingers.

"What does Shiro's bayard turn into?"

"What does Shiro see in Adam?" Keith suggested and Shiro hit the side of his head in response "What? I've googled that before."

"Thank you for your guesses," Shiro rolled his eyes "It says...What does Shiro think of you?" He paused "I... I think you're great?" He tried and looked at Nathan. "Am I missing something?" He asked and Keith tugged the board to get a better look at the question. Nathan only shrugged "Well... I think wonderful things about you. I think. Probably. I haven't met a lot of you..." He trailed off. "I'm scared."

"Good." Nathan said "That's what all the interview is all about! We're almost done for now though...Pidge?" He asked and Pidge sighed.

"Let's see how you're going to bully me this time..." She told the camera and looked down at her board "What is Katie Holt...Doing now?" She read off and glanced up "This. This is what I'm doing. And I'm doing it _awesomely_." She said and leaned back "Next question."

"I think they meant with your life." Keith suggested.

"Surviving."

"...Fair enough." Hunk said and Pidge winked, throwing some finger guns at at the camera. Shiro gasped.

"You need to stop hanging out with Lance so much and make some friends."

"Hey!" Lance objected, but was cut off by Hunk quickly reading off his last question after he got up to find the board he had thrown behind him earlier.

"Why is Hunk Garrett...Beautiful?" He said and put a hand over his heart "That is _so_ sweet."

"Answer the question, fool. Why? _Why_?" Pidge yelled, sitting up "You _chose this_!"

"Uh..."

"Why didn't you decide to be ugly?!"

"I don't know! I just look like this!"

"Hunk, _why?!"_ Lance yelled, joining into the chaos " _Why are you beautiful_?!"

"Why! Why! Why! Why!" Lance and Pidge chanted, pumping their fists in the air. Hunk sighed and looked at Allura.

"Why are you beautiful?" He asked her.

"I'm a princess." She shrugged. Hunk nodded and turned back to his friends.

"I'm a princess." He told them and they paused before exchanging glances.

"I _knew it_." Lance whispered as Pidge sighed and passed him ten dollars before flinging herself across his lap, making herself comfortable as she started to repeatedly poke him on the chin.

"Are you done?" Hunk asked and threw out his hands "LAST QUESTION EVERYONE! Allura. It's all on you. Make it good." He said and Allura frowned at that, taking a deep breath before pulling away the final strip of paper.

"Is Allura dating Lance?" She read out and paused "I'm dating Romelle."

"Is she dating who?" Keith frowned from next to Shiro. "One second..." He said and picked his chair back up, moving back to Lance's side. "Nonsense."

"I _said_ , I'm dating Romelle!" She grumbled "She makes really pretty flower crowns..."

"They're alright," Keith shrugged "Why do people think you are dating Lance?" He asked "He's not dating you. He's not dating _anyone_. He's _married_!"

"WE KNOW!" Pidge yelled from Lance's lap "You're married! We get it! Lord..." She grumbled and stretched her arms "Maybe people found out you guys were playing strip poker?" She suggested and Allura hummed.

"Perhaps..."

"You...You what?" Hunk blinked "You played strip poker? Why? When?" He demanded "Why wasn't I invited?"

"You were off being sketchy," Lance yawned "It was like...A month ago? We were bored and I said 'hey...do you know how to play strip poker?' and she said 'no' so I taught her how to play so she could use it against Romelle as foreplay or something." He shrugged and paused "I somehow ended up losing."

"So did I when I played Romelle." Allura grimaced and Lance shook his head.

"I tried my best to help you." He sighed and put an arm on Keith "Hey again. Do you know how to play strip poker?"

"I get the feeling you don't," Keith told him "And that you two just made up rules as you went." He said and there was a pause where Lance and Allura looked at one another and nodded.

"Yeah."

"That's exactly what happened."

"Where were you two playing?" Shiro asked "If people think you're dating...You weren't in public were you?" He asked and Allura tapped her chin.

"My room, I believe."

"Oh. That's fine-"

"The windows were open, though." Lance interrupted "And we both kept screaming when we lost. I'm beginning to think it sounded like something else. Allura yelled my name a lot."

"That's right!" Allura nodded "Perhaps it _did_ sound like intercourse!"

"A real set of Nancy Drews here..." Pidge rolled her eyes "The saviors of the universe, everyone. Thank you for your time." She snorted and Lance pushed her off his lap so she fell to the ground with a thump. Pidge didn't bother to move after she hit the floor, simply rolling to her back.

"Time isn't real." She announced and Lance nudged her with his foot.

"Alright everyone...So we have one more round of autocomplete with Voltron!" Nathan shouted as he jumped in front of the camera "That video should be up very soon. Until then...Like, comment, and subscribe. See you next time!" He smiled. A few seconds later, lowered his arms. "Are we still filming? No? Good. Where did Lionel go? He owes me like twenty dollars-"

"Keith, I'm _sorry_ about the bonding moment. I was literally seventeen! Why can't you-"

"Porn!" Shiro yelled from behind them, pressing his phone against his ear "No...Adam this not an accomplishment. I...No, I don't know what the porn star version of you looks like...I... I have no idea if he has similar heritage to you...Adam, are you asking if they _whitewashed_ you in a _porno_? I-"

"Altean birthdays are not the complicated! They aren't! Romelle knows my birthday!"

"She's _Altean_ , Allura."

"Hey...You guys do know the camera is still on, right?" Pidge called from the floor.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck...I'll edit that out!" Nathan yelled and the screen went black.

* * *

Comments: 892m

_TheBetterShirogane: Thea would like to me to inform everyone she is still a baby (no, I'm not going to make a comment about the Slav/Takashi porn) [View: 2.3m likes and 432,091 replies]  
_

_**Reply from TheBESTShirogane:** That's my girl!_

_**Reply from Pidgeon:** I can't believe this_

_**Reply from TheBESTShirogane:** told you so_

_**Reply from TheBetterShirogane:** Not so fast, cariño_ _. She said you were still a baby too.  
_

_**Reply from TheBESTShirogane:** damnit. _

_RandomPerson: Keith is kind of mean to Lance...I'll gladly marry u instead bb xoxox [View: 432 likes and 24 replies]  
_

_**Reply from KeithKOGANE:** try me_

_**Reply from TheBetterShirogane:** YASSSSSSS SPILL THE TEA_

_**Reply from KeithKOGANE:** stfu Adam. _

_**Reply from ActuallyItsKeithMCCLAIN:** dont worry. Keith is really nice - he just doesn't like to show it in front of other people cause it ruins his bad boy vibes._

_**Reply from KeithKOGANE:** ????? How dare you???_

_**Reply from ActuallyItsKeithMCCLAIN:** i once said I wanted a bubble bath with rubber ducks as a joke and you went a bought a hundred rubber ducks. And a Jacuzzi. _

_**Reply from KeithKOGANE:** your point? _

_**Reply from Pidgeon:** that you're gay af _

_**Reply from HubbaHunk:** @RandomPerson i wouldn't let Lance get married to anyone mean. _

_**Reply from Pidgeon:** FACTS! WE! ARE! GOOD! FRIENDS! _

_SkullCrusher69: i heard a rumor that Hunk Garrett actually ISNT Little Tuna and he just pretends so he looks cool [902,921 likes and 1,345 replies]  
_

_**Reply from HubbaHunk:** david. why. _

_**Reply from youhavetherighttoshutthefuckup:** don't say anything...._

_**Reply from HubbaHunk:** sorry lionel...._

_**Reply from SkullCrusher69:** <3 _

_**Reply from HubbaHunk:** </3_

_**Reply from SkullCrusher69:** D':_

_**Reply from Hunk:** ....<3_

_**Reply from SkullCrusher69:** :D_

_FlowerCrownsAndChocolate: tried to watch the video but was distracted by the pretty Altean (: [1.6m likes and 901,385 replies]  
_

_**Reply from YourHighness:** ????? What??? Who? Romelle are you with someone else?_

_**Reply from FlowerCrownsAndChocolate:** ....I meant you, Allura._

_**Reply from ActuallyItsKeithMCCLAIN:** Not realizing you're the pretty Altean? A pretty Mary Sue move Allura..._

_**Reply from YourHighness:** YOURE THE MARY SUE_

_**Reply from YourHighness: @** FlowerCrownsAndChocolate i want to flirt back but dont know how _

_**Reply from TheBetterShirogane:** tell her the only pretty Altean is her _

_**Reply from YourHighness:** @FlowerCrownsAndChocolate THE ONLY PRETTY ALTEAN IS YOU!_

_**Reply from TheBetterShirogane:** Aggressive, but okay.  
_

_**Reply from ActuallyItsKeithMCCLAIN:** you've never helped me flirt...?  
_

_**Reply from TheBetterShirogane: well**...i didn't help you as a kid because i don't get involved in that heterosexual nonsense and i didn't help you with keith because...it was keith.  
_

_**Reply from KeithKOGANE:** u also suck at flirting  
_

_**Reply from TheBetterShirogane:** i'm smooth af? peasant. Shiro sucks a flirting.  
_

_**Reply from KeithKOGANE:**...okay. yeah.  _

_TallDarkAndDone: I'm Pidge's friend [1m likes and 824,213 replies]  
_

**_Reply from Pidgeon:_** _Thanks Ryan_

 **_Reply from JentheTen:_ ** _Yeah! I'm her friend too! FUCK YOU_

_**Reply from Pidgeon:** Thanks Jenny  
_

**_Reply from TallDarkAndDone:_** _do you want more friends? jenny knows lots of people_

 **_Reply from JentheTen:_ ** _I have blackmail on most of them so they won't have a choice but to like you_

_**Reply from Pidgeon:** i am a likable person!  
_

**_Reply from TallDarkAndDone:_ ** _?_

_**Reply from Pidgeon:** I am a likable person to a particular type of people!  
_

**_Reply from JentheTen:_ ** _YEAH! ONLY LIKABLE TO AWESOME PEOPLE!_

_CoranCoranTheGorgeousMan: number one's hair should be orange! we can be - as the say - bros! [3.2m likes and 793,023 replies]_

**_Reply from TheBESTShirogane:_ ** _I don't know if I could pull off orange hair like you...._

 ** _Reply from CoranCoranTheGorgeousMan:_** _Ah, I see the concern. Perhaps we can get matching tattoos then? Lance was informing me that was a tradition in human culture. Perhaps we shall get lions!_

 **_Reply from ActuallyItsKeithMCCLAIN:_ ** _aw, that's kind of sweet. We could all get lion tattoos!_

 ** _Reply from EsMejorQueTuEnEspañol:_** _i know a man who does the tattoos well. I will give you his information._

 **_Reply from Pidgeon:_ ** _you have a tattoo Ms. Camilla?_

_**Reply from EsMejorQueTuEnEspañol:** ah, sweet girl. I have more tattoos than you have years being alive.  
_

**_Reply from TheBetterShirogane:_ ** _my tattoo got blown off with the rest of my leg_

 **_Reply from Matt-tician001:_ ** _we know adam_

_**Reply from TheBetterShirogane:** some sympathy would be nice  
_

**_Reply from Pidgeon:_ ** _yeah, probably...anyways. When should we get the tats?_

_**Reply from TheBetterShirogane:** ....  
_

_[comments are no longer being accepted]_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So many questions! I thought I could do this in 2 chapters, but you guys get one more for this. I'll try to fit everything I can in there! 
> 
> Also, i highly encourage you to watch drunk history videos. they are fantastic.


	19. Basically Voltron is ________ (Part 3)

"WELCOME BACK TO OUR FINAL ROUND OF THE DAY!" Nathan shouted as he bounced back on the screen "If you haven't seen our past two videos with the Voltron crew then click here and here now! I'll wait....Did you click it? Are you here? If you're here then I hope you're ready for some more questions!" Nathan shouted and Keith plopped back into his chair, rubbing his temple as people came in to hand them another board. "Keith are you ready?"

"No."

"Let's get started then!" Nathan told him and went back to his chair, smiling charmingly at the screen. Keith watched him through narrowed eyes before shaking his head and ripping off the tape for his first question.

"Did Keith Kogane come from an egg?" Keith read and put the board down. He grabbed Lance's hand and covered his eyes. Silence followed.

"...Hey, babe?"

"Hm?"

"Uh...Whatcha doing?" Lance asked and when he tried to remove his hand from Keith's eyes, had his hand immediately put back on.

"Self-care."

"But my hand is the one covering your eyes. Shouldn't your hand be put over your eyes if it's self-care?" Lance reasoned and Keith lifted Lance's hand for a moment to peer over at him before nodding a bit.

"Lance-care, then."

"I'm not the one be cared for."

"Self-Lance care." Keith informed him and Allura sighed, tapping her fingers impatiently on the arm of her chair.

"Answer the question, Keith." She said and Keith didn't answer, still leaning back with his eyes covered. Shiro raised his hand.

"This is a sensitive topic..." He started, eyes flicking to where the black paladin remained unmoving "Recently...My husband and Krolia have started to get along really well. This is mainly because they keep messing with him about the egg thing." He shrugged "I honestly don't know the answer. Krolia and Adam keep saying it's different things."

"I HAVE A BELLY BUTTON!" Keith burst out, throwing Lance's hand off of him to point at the camera "Nothing that comes form an egg has a belly button! They're liars. _Liars_!" He shouted and took a long breath. Before he could continue, Hunk cleared his throat.

"That's...A valid point...But didn't Krolia also mention that mother galrans have pouches for their babies? Like kangaroos?" He asked and when Keith closed his eyes, raising his hands in surrender. "I just wanted to know if you disproved that too!" He yelped.

"What I want to know is why you can't ask Kolivan about this." Pidge said "Or Allura for that matter! Surely you know how galran births work." She added, turning towards the Altean. Allura smiled a little before shrugging. Keith glowered at her.

"Um...Yeah. Krolia and Adam got everyone else in on it too." Shiro explained "Even the diplomats - which is kind of impressive. I don't know how they did that...Adam said they an alien groupchat dedicated to messing with Keith, but I'm not sure if that's true." He said and Keith turned more red.

"Allura..." He said and the princess look at him "Allura, _please_."

"Your mother is a fierce woman, Keith...I would not wish to cross her." Was all she said as she began to pick at her nails, ignoring the rising temper as Keith started yanking at his hair in frustration. Lance sighed and grabbed his hand.

"How long are you guys going to do this to him?" He muttered "Keith it really doesn't matter. Nothing changes if you were a kangaroo child or born from an egg-"

"I have a belly button..."

"I know."

"Why can't you make Adam _stop_?" Keith whined, pinching the bridge of his nose "I fucking went to war. I led a _war_. I shouldn't have to deal with this!"

"Adam is the human embodiment of war." Shiro informed him "At least that's what he would like me to write on his tombstone...It isn't inaccurate." He mused and Keith flicked him off.

"Let's...Move onto the next question." Lance told Nathan. "My turn, right? Let's see...Does Alejandro McClain - very nice, got my whole first name in there - use his sword a lot?" He read off and tapped Keith's arm "Look. I got a sword question." He said and Keith paused in his pouting to look curiously over at Lance's board.

"He needs to use is more." He said and Lance turned to stare at the camera with a deadpan expression before responding.

"For those of you who don't know, my bayard can also turn into a sword...Which happens to be Keith's specialty. Not that we have the same sword or anything, but...Yeah. He knows more about it than I do. I use it occasionally - always with close combat. My gun is mainly long range so I'm usually far enough from my enemies that I don't need it unless someone sneaks up on me." He explained, almost slapping Pidge in the face as moved his hands around.

"Which happens a lot!" Keith objected and Lance gave a slight shrug.

"It does happen...Which is why Keith helps me train with it. It's, uh, fun." He said warily, eyes flicking to his husband with an air of exhaustion. "I don't know how many of you are aware of Keith's teaching skills but he can be...very...Intense."

"Sorry that I'm trying to keep you _alive_."

"I'm just saying! You've gotten very patient, but I would appreciate it if you didn't yell so much." He told him. Keith looked at Shiro.

"What?" Shiro asked and when Keith kept looking at him, shook his head "Lance, training with your sword if very important."

"Really?" Lance asked him and flicked his husband's arm "Don't bring Shiro into this or I'll call Adam and tell him you need to practice using a gun."

"I'll work on yelling less."

"Thought so," Lance snorted and shot Shiro some finger guns "Your turn, boss man!"

"I'm riveted," Shiro told him, completely monotone as he went to pull off the first piece of tape "Is Shiro...A...Oh no." He groaned "A vegan."

"Here we go," Keith sighed, leaning against Lance's arm "Just so we're clear... He wasn't always this way. I have very distinct memories of eating chicken as a kid. We lived a peaceful life."

"There is no peace with _you_ ," Shiro muttered, throwing the crumpled tape at Keith "And yes...I am. Please don't be mad, I can explain-"

"There is no explanation. How is Adam still married to you? He loves bacon." Lance snorted, throwing his arm around Pidge. The paladin threw a leg over his lap in response, laying down so she could sprawl out on him again. "Just make yourself comfy down there." He told her and Pidge beamed up at him in response.

"He's agreed not to divorce me," Shiro nodded and held up his hands "I'm only doing it for a couple months to try it out. It is supposed to have all these health benefits and I'm trying my best to take care of my second body." He snorted and grinned "I've been doing really well for the first six weeks!" He beamed and Allura politely clapped. "Thank you!"

"We're proud of you for trying to be healthy," Hunk smiled "Although...You have to be careful because if you do it wrong then it can be bad for you. You know what? I'm going to make you some meals. I should have done that before. We can plan it out." He mused "Figure out how to keep protein up and what not. I got you." He said, snapping his fingers.

"Thank you, Hunk." Shiro grinned "Adam will be happy to have a break from making separate stuff for me..."

"Still can't cook, then?"

"...No."

"Right...Maybe I'll teach you how to make your own meals too." Hunk said and brought out of his phone "Let me put that on my to-do list..." He mused and Allura glanced over his shoulder "Stop it! That's rude!" He told her, shielding his phone away.

"Why does it say 'shred the counterfeit money' on your list?" She asked and Hunk's eyes widened, before glancing at the camera and back to his phone.

"It's an inside joke, don't worry about it."

"But-"

"MY TURN!" He yelled and Pidge threw up a hand from Lance's lap.

"Pretty sure it's my turn."

"Well I'm cutting you," Hunk told her and pushed her glasses to the tip of her nose. She gasped in outrage, but didn't retaliate as Lance lightly tugged at the end of her hair "I tried a new conditioner." She told him.

"I like it. Your hair is super soft." He said and Pidge nodded as if this was a triumph rather than a compliment. Hunk attempted to pull the tape off the board, but was unsuccessful as the paper ripped with every pull. After six tries, the words were sort of visible enough so he brought it close to his face, trying to read it.

"What...is....Hunk's....opinion....on...." He tried and squinted "School....Cafeterias?" He finished and took a long inhale. "I'm glad you asked. So currently, I'm trying to get rid of cafeterias altogether and replace them with food courts." He began "Now, obviously there isn't enough funding to do this for _every_ school so I'm in the midst of some negotiations with the American government to figure that out. Also, I'm not entirely sure what the school food is like everywhere else in the world outside Samoa and America so I'll be doing a trip pretty soon to see how that's going...Honestly, how do you expect kids to _learn_ if they aren't being fed properly? You can't just give them old sandwiches with chalky milk and expect success! It's appalling, and quite frankly...It should be illegal."

"You would know all about that."

"SAY NOTHING!"

"I know, Lionel!" Hunk called back and went back to his speech "Listen. This could be such a benefit to everyone involved. Why can't there be a cooking elective where students can help make good food for their cafeteria while simultaneously let kids figure out the basics of taking care of themselves. Look at _Shiro_!"

"Why am I getting dragged into this?"

"Because you literally have graduated school, got a job, went to space, was enslaved, escaped, piloted a giant space lion, died, came back as a clone, fought a war, and yet you _still_ can't make a decent plate of scrambled eggs!" He yelled "How do you know how to snap someone's neck with your thighs, but not know what oregano is?!"

"Obviously I didn't have time since I was doing all those other things." Shiro shrugged and Hunk groaned.

"The system has failed you." He muttered and Shiro briefly looked irritated at this, but then nodded after some consideration. "Anyways-"

"We should move on," Pidge jumped in "Before Hunk goes on for an hour." She said with a smile at her friend "Yo...String bean. Can you read mine?" She asked, still laying over Lance's lap, but starting to squirm a bit so she was halfway sprawled out over Keith as well. Keith looked unimpressed by her appearance, poking her side repeatedly until she slapped his hand.

"I'm not a string bean!" Lance objected, but picked up Pidge's board "Okay...It says....Is Katie Holt dating someone?" He read out and looked down. Pidge poked him.

"That's not what is says."

"It is!"

"Lance. Stop trying to trick me."

"...Fine. It says _will_ Katie Holt ever date someone?"

" _Lance_."

"I'm just saying I could set you up if you wanted!" Lance told her "You can't get married to a robot!" He reasoned and paused "Unless...Can you?" He frowned and Pidge simply looked at up him "I regret asking this. Okay, fine. It says what is Katie Holt's IQ?" He whistled. "That's actually a good one."

"Hm..." Pidge clicked her tongue "So, my IQ is actually 115 which is...Slightly, above average, but not genius level."

"What? Everyone has been calling you a genius for years!" Nathan said "You've invented countless robotic samples and-"

"Yeah, but that isn't just my IQ!" Pidge objected, still laying down "Sometimes the people who come up with the smartest stuff come up with it because they love doing it. Not because they have a 140 IQ." She told him "Lance and Keith and Shiro are all smarter than me about stuff they love. I just so happen to love the science end of things." She explained and Hunk put a hand over her face so she could high five him.

"Did you just say I was smarter than you?" Lance asked and Pidge pinched his side "Jeez! So mean, Pidge....Allura hurry up and go so this one will stop bullying me." He mumbled. Allura picked up her board, taking a long breath before ripping off the new piece of tape.

"Is Allura...British?" She asked and looked up "What's British?"

"It's what we call people from a group of countries called Britain," Keith told her dismissively "Altean and British accents sound a lot alike." He shrugged and Allura blinked a few times.

"But...I'm Altean. Why would...? I'm clearly not _human_ , why would you think I am from a place on Earth?" She demanded.

"Well...Lots of nonhuman things live on Earth! Squirrels, deer, dogs, cats, rabbits, snakes, gophers, hedgehogs, hens, grass, trees - I'm not helping." Hunk said, cutting himself off when Allura's marks glowed with annoyance. "I mean...There are still some people out there who don't think aliens exist, Lura. They might think you're from Earth." He reasoned, voice softening as Allura reeled back, nostrils flaring.

"How can they say aliens aren't real?! They almost _invaded_ Earth! And I'm right here!" She growled.

"Rumor has it that some people think the Earth is flat. Don't let them get you down." Pidge told her and Allura silently sat in confused fury before turning to the camera "I am _real_!"

"Yeah! And she's _really_ mad about it!" Lance giggled and everyone turned to him "Get it? Like. _Real_...Really mad?" He snickered. Pidge pinched his side again. "OW!"

"My accent is _Altean_. If it sounds like this...this British then I'm sorry, but I am not...whatever that is." She muttered "Go Keith." She grumbled and Keith nodded.

"Alright... Is Keith Kogane....Korean or Japanese?" He read out slowly and considered. From beside him, Lance tilted his head.

"Are we mad about this question?" He asked, a little uncertainly before nodding "I'm feeling like we should be mad about this question...I am _astounded_ at the ignorance!" He yelled, shaking his head in dismay.

"I mean...I get where the confusion lies," Keith snorted, lips tugging up in amusement at Lance's quick outrage. "Kogane is a Japanese name." He shrugged "But I'm actually Korean. There's a lot of history between Japan and Korea with all the wars and what not. What probably happened is that originally my ancestors started out in Japan, but came over to Korea and the name just stuck around." He shrugged "Then at some point they came to America and brought the name with them there." He said and Lance gasped.

"Wait!" He said eagerly, hitting Keith's arm in excitement. "That means...That _means_...Samurai!" He shouted. Keith sighed. "Because samurais are Japanese and you _could_ distantly have some Japanese ancestry!" He shouted and punched the air "That's why I gave you that nickname when we were younger. I knew all along!"

"I think that you just thought I was Japanese."

"....No."

"I won't be mad."

"...Maybe."

" _Racist_." Keith laughed, poking him in the arm.

"Hey!" Lance groaned "I'm sorry. There's not a bunch of Korean people roaming around Cuba! I'm trying to learn." He pouted "I'm sorry." He repeated and Keith's features softened.

"I know... Puerto Ricans often get that confused." He said lightly at Lance gave him an exasperated look. "Get it? Cause you're Cuban?"

"Wow, Keith. You _made your point_."

"Guys," Shiro interrupted "I know you're having a learning experience and both mean well, but let's not play with fire, okay?" He said and from Lance nodded.

"Mullet is a better nickname anyways."

" _Go,_ Lance." Keith said Lance mimicked him before pulling off the tape covering his board.

"Yeah, yeah. Okay... What is Lance McClain's full name? It is Alejandro Andres McClain Ortega...The first." He added.

"The first? Is there a second Alejandro Andres McClain Ortega roaming around somewhere?" Pidge asked and Lance shrugged.

"Well...I've never told anyone this...but...One day I hope to have a child who has my exact same name-"

"Shut _up_. I'm not changing my name to McClain!" Keith interrupted "Nice try, though." He told him and Lance groaned.

"Would you consider Ortega?" He asked hopefully "It would make my mom so happy." He said and Keith clicked his tongue.

"Hm..." He said with fake consideration "I do like your mom...You know what? Maybe... _Not._ "

"Ugh," Lance grumbled in disgust "Whatever. Shiro, go ahead." He muttered and Shiro glanced at them warily before going back to his board.

"Is Takashi Shirogane...On _steroids_?" Shiro gasped "We just established I'm vegan!"

"I don't think steroids have any animal products in them," Pidge said "You're good."

"I - wait." Shiro blinked at her and then shook his head "No! I'm living healthy! Why would anyone think I've done steroids anyways?!" He demanded and as an answer, Pidge crawled from Lance's lap over Hunk and Allura until she was lying across Shiro and then held up his human arm.

"That's why." She told him "Your bicep is _literally_ bigger than my head. And your thighs could crush my head." She informed him before turning back around to crawl her way to her original position. Shiro looked at his arm and shook his head.

"I do push-ups." He said, a little sadly "Not drugs..."

"Hey. I think you just came up with a snappy new slogan for an anti-drug campaign!" Hunk said and Shiro brightened a bit at that. Before Hunk could cut her again, Pidge grabbed her board, sitting back in a sitting position in her seat.

"Does Pidge need glasses?" She started and Shiro pressed his hands together.

"Thank you. _Thank you_." He whispered and spun around to point a finger at her "You have no choice but to tell the truth now!" He said and Nathan rose a hand "No. I already know what you're going to ask." Shiro told him "She has been wearing Matt's glasses for _years_ now. Years! Does she wear them in battle? No! We know she doesn't need them. Why haven't they messed up her eyes yet? Matt had prescription glasses. I don't understand. She hasn't explained herself. It stresses me out because she could be going blind and I just..." He ran a hand over his face "Do they really help you see? Does that mean we've been letting you fight with blurry vision? Am I a bad person for letting this happen?" He asked and pointed at Keith "Is _he_ a bad person for letting this happen? Keith, have you even asked about this? Have you not been concerned for her safety? How can you-"

"She popped out the lens and replaced them with non-prescription lens." Keith interrupted. Shiro paused. He looked at Pidge who shrugged and took off her glasses to hand them over.

"I..." He started as he looked through the glasses and then turned to Pidge " _Why_?"

"I got attached to them. They were the only thing I had left of my brother when we were searching for him..." She explained "But my sight is perfect."

"You realize prescription glasses costs like...$100, right? And you just popped the lens out?"

"Who the Hell was going to use them?" Pidge argued "Matt got his eyes fixed!" She scoffed and took her glasses back "Besides, they're part of my look now. My style. My...Aesthetic."

"I taught her that." Lance said, pointing down at Pidge "Me. I taught her that word." He said and high-fived her. Shiro put his hands up in exasperated surrender.

"Well... I suppose that's the best answer I could have asked for." He muttered "I can't believe..." He grumbled and Hunk clapped him on the back as he grabbed his board.

"I don't think I actually know many people that need glasses." He said as he went to tug off the tape "Aside from Adam and Lance, I mean."

" _Hunk_!"

"Lance has glasses?!" Pidge shrieked and turned to Shiro "Look! He's been blind this _entire time_!" She shouted to where Shiro was frozen in horror.

"Do...Do you not know how eyesight works?" Lance snapped at her "Sit down, you nuisance." He muttered "I only need them to read sometimes-"

"That explains why we've never seen them..."

"Wait," Keith interrupted "How come _I've_ never seen them? We live together!" He objected and narrowed his eyes "Why does this keep happening? I only learned your hair was actually curly three months ago!"

" _What_?" Pidge shouted.

"EVERYONE STOP EXPOSING ME!" Lance yelled "I know stuff about you guys too! _Hunk has a tattoo_!" He said and Pidge gasped again, whipping around to see Hunk gaping openly in betrayal "Yeah! On his left shoulder. He got it with one of his criminal friends!"

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD LANCE!" Lionel yelled from somewhere off-stage.

"And you know what _else_? Pidge has her ears pierced!" Lance continued and dodged a hit from his friend. From the end of the line, Shiro shrugged.

"So does Keith."

" _What_?!" Lance choked and immediately spun around to look at Keith's ears "Babe! How come you never wear earrings?"

"Because they would get ripped out in fight?" Keith told him dryly and shoved him away.

"Okay, but like. We aren't fighting now. So....." He smiled and Keith rose an eyebrow.

"You never know when you can get into a fight, Lance." He informed him dryly and Lance turned to point at the camera.

"I'm going to work on that for you - for all of us. Rest assured that somewhere on one of my social media accounts there shall be a picture of Keith McClain wearing earrings-"

"Kogane."

"What about Allura and Shiro?" Hunk said and the group turned to the remaining members of the team "Anybody have intel on them?" He asked and Pidge rose her hand.

"I don't know if this counts, but Allura has Altean markings all over her back and stuff." She said and Keith blinked.

"How the Hell do you know that?" He asked and turned to Allura "Is she right?"

"Yes...We went to the pool together." Allura shrugged "Did you think I just had them under my eyes?" She mused and pulled back her sleeve. More glowing marks glowed on her forearms with a white one swirling on her wrist "Some Alteans have more markings than others, but they usually cover our face, backs, and arms." She explained and tugged her sleeve back down. Pidge pulled her arm back to examine the white mark more closely.

"I don't remember that one on your wrist being there before..." She frowned, but was cut off by Hunk.

"Keith? Anything on Shiro?" He asked hopefully. Before he could answer, Shiro cleared his throat.

"You guys are going to _flip_ when I tell you about my right arm..." He said and Keith snorted.

"Don't let him distract you. He had a tongue piercing. Adam showed me pictures."

" _Traitor_!" Shiro hissed and used his board to try and whack Keith as he leaned over everyone "I did not raise you to be a _snitch_!" He shouted as Lance yelled loudly in alarm at the revelation that _Takashi Shirogane had a tongue piercing._

"How do you think I got the pierced ears?" Keith snorted "I asked and Shiro told me no. I said that I knew he had his tongue pierced and _suddenly_ he was a whole lot more lax on the matter." He laughed as he blocked Shiro's hits. Allura made a face

"Shiro, that sounds horribly painful. Why would you do such a thing?" She asked and the man stopped trying to hit Keith before sighing.

"I don't _know_. I wanted to impress Adam at the time..." He flushed "Next question. Next question, _please_."

"We're revisiting the glasses thing." Keith told Lance as Hunk read off his next question.

"Who are Hunk's children?" He read and paused "But... This isn't even asking if I have kids. I don't, by the way so...I'm a little concerned on why you're asking about who they are."

"Maybe you have secret kids that you don't know about." Lance suggested and Hunk choked.

"I do _not_!" He yelled "Shame on you!"

Lance laughed as Hunk continued to sputter indignantly before Allura rose her hand.

"Maybe they're thinking of Talia and Noah." She informed them dryly and a round of 'ohs' went around the room.

"That makes sense... No. Talia and Noah are not my kids. They're my niece and nephew. I have not a single child in this world outside of Lance and Pidge." Hunk told everyone. Both Lance and Pidge objected in the background "And occasionally, Allura when she doesn't understand humans."

"I would love to be your child." Allura informed him, face very serious. Hunk stared her.

"Stop..." He said and she kept looking at him " _Stop_." He laughed and Allura put her hand over her face to hide a smile "You're so _weird_."

"You said I was your child! I was just going along with it." She laughed and picked up her board "Okay, okay... Mine is....Can Princess Allura marry Romelle? _Can_ I marry her? Why yes. I certainly can. I have not gotten around to doing it yet, but I don't foresee there being a particular barrier. Why wouldn't I be able to?" She asked and Pidge nodded.

"Because you're a princess and she isn't." She volunteered "Or maybe Alteans don't have marriage since that's a human tradition. Or maybe-"

"So you've been the one googling this?"

"Of course I have!" Pidge said "I need to know because between Shiro's wedding and the fucking monstrosity I attended three months ago, I am _tired_."

"What are you talking about?" Lance objected "Our wedding was awesome!"

"We worked hard on that!" Keith added and held up his hand to high-five Lance "It was _way_ better than Adam and Shiro's."

"Fuck yeah!"

"Excuse me?" Shiro said, leaning forward "Way better? I don't think so. You guys didn't even have an open bar. Lame."

"For the last time, we didn't _need_ an open bar - we had my abuela!" Lance said "Besides, at least our wedding didn't get crashed by space pirates!"

"I - Okay. One second. Everyone pause." Shiro said, holding up his hand. Allura glanced down at her question and then back at the camera before grimacing as Shiro brought out his phone "Adam. Hey, emergency situation here. I need you to name everything bad about Keith and Lance's wedding. Go."

"Hello to you too," Adam's voice said when Shiro put the phone on speaker "Well for starters Keith was there which was really just unfortunate planning. Also, they didn't have an open bar-"

"Get _over_ it." Keith sighed.

"Oh. Hey, demon. Your wedding was lovely. Anyways, the table cloth choices were abysmal, then there was the whole cake thing, and quite frankly I don't think it was as gay as it could have been." 

"How. Dare. You?" Lance said, leaning towards Adam's voice "You got bitch slapped by your own husband in the middle of the ceremony-"

"That was an accident!" Shiro objected.

" _And_ my abuela and mom agreed that the wedding pictures were _tacky_."

" _Camilla would never say that about me_!" Adam shouted through the phone and Lance leaned back, looking triumph "Lance? Alejandro! She wouldn't! It isn't even our _fault_. The photographer got kidnapped by one of the pirates!" He continued yelling and Keith hummed in fake sympathy.

"Sure, sure. Camilla hung _our_ wedding pictures up on the center of her mantel."

"She did not!" Adam growled "And even if she did you have an unfair advantage! Lance is her grandchild!"

"Sounds like excuses to me!" Lance sang "Don't worry - I think your wedding pictures are there too...Somewhere near the back."

"Are you guys _done_?" Allura interrupted and everyone paused to look at her "Your weddings were both...Interesting. Shiro and Adam's got demolished into rubble and we had to keep on going. Keith and Lance's was somehow at the bottom of the ocean. It was confusing and a little terrifying, but it worked out."

"They said it couldn't be done..." Lance whispered and Keith nodded vehemently as Allura continued talking.

"Besides, if Romelle and I decide to have a human wedding then ours will clearly outshine both so-"

"Okay. Not cool, Lura."

"Boo!"

"Bold of you to assume you wouldn't accidentally get married in Vegas first." Adam said and Allura frowned down at the phone.

"What is Vegas?" She asked and Shiro narrowed his eyes at the cell as Adam responded.

"Oh? You don't know? That's too bad! Maybe I can take you and Romelle down there next weekend and we can get something to drink-"

" _Adam_!" Shiro scowled "Don't try to get them married in Vegas! I - We should go. Thank you bashing Keith and Lance's wedding. Love you! Bye!"

"Our wedding was better! Love you! Bye!" Adam said and Shiro hung up the phone as Keith and Lance grumbled out last minute objections. A few moments of silence followed.

"Do you see my point?" Pidge finally said to Allura "I need to recover before attending another wedding. So, like, if it isn't an Altean tradition you should feel _no_ obligation to abide by our customs! Really, you guys have _plenty_ of time. Maybe wait a few years. See how things are going...Travel a little...See the universe..."

"Is this a bad time to tell you I'm engaged?"

"God _fucking_ damnit."

"You're _what_?" Hunk gasped and lifted up Allura's hand "I don't see a ring! How come you didn't say anything? Oh my...Did Romelle propose? Did you propose? What did she say?! Oh! Is it going to be a spring wedding?! I hope so!" He gasped and Allura beamed as his enthusiasm.

"Alteans don't do the, uh...Ring thing." She said, eyes curiously looking over her hands before wrinkling her nose with a shake of her head "No, we get new markings when we propose!" She said brightly and pointed at her wrist "See?"

"I _knew_ that was new!" Pidge said and Lance leaned over, nodding.

"It, uh...Looks like a good one!" He said and Allura snorted.

"All engagement markings look the same for Alteans."

"I'm trying here," He said and grinned at her "But congratulations! Uh, did you want to tell everyone with..." He jerked his head towards the cameras and Nathan winced as being remembered.

"Oh! We don't mind. Romelle asked me to mention it before the interview ended. I'll have to give you guys the details later though." She promised and everyone nodded in approval, giving various congratulations and what not. Pidge sighed.

"Somehow, weddings with you people are more stressful than saving the universe." She grumbled and Hunk opened his mouth to argue, but then glanced between Shiro, Keith, and Lance before shrugging and snapping his mouth shut.

"That's amazing, Allura! Thank you for sharing that!" Nathan spoke up and pointed at the camera "You heard it here first!" He said and Allura snorted before putting her board back down. "Keith, are you ready for your question?" He asked and Keith glanced at his board.

"There's only two left...Can I do them both now so I can be done?" He asked hopefully and Nathan shrugged.

"Keith, stop being rude." Shiro sighed, but the paladin had already taken advantage of Nathan's permission and ripped off both pieces of tape

"Does Keith McClain - it's Kogane - have a sister? I do. Her name is Romelle. She apparently got engaged and decided not to tell me. Considering she was the maid of honor at my wedding, I'm a little offended. Also, people think Axca is my sister...No. I kind of thought she might be for awhile, but I asked Krolia and she said no... But actually...If Acxa married Veronica...Then she might be? Cause I'm married to Lance, which makes Veronica my sister-in-law...Which would mean by extension Acxa _could_ become my sister-in-law as well." He mused before he shrugged and looked down at the next question "What is....Keith Kogane's special message?"

Keith stared. From beside him, Lance started laughing.

"You have a special message?" Allura asked and Keith paused.

"I....Do not." He said, brows crinkled.

"I love the fact that it's special," Shiro said "You don't just have a message - it's a _special_ message." He snorted.

"Um...Well. My special message is to...Stop googling things." He said and smiled at the camera "And with that I'm done."

"You did amazing," Lance told him "Alright, I'm going to do my last two as well. Let's see..." He said and dramatically ripped the first off "Can Lance McClain drive?" He read of and clapped his hands together "I actually can! I had my driver's license before getting thrown into space. I am also a really good driver. Do you know who absolutely horrific at driving?" He asked and pointed at Keith "Now. You may be confused as to how someone who is a world famous pilot cannot drive....So is the rest of us quite frankly." He said, throwing up his hands.

"Shiro, I feel like this is kind of your fault." Hunk said "Why didn't you teach him how to drive?"

"I tried!" Shiro objected "When he was fifteen I figured I had already showed him how to drive everything else from gliders to motorcycles to bikes...But then we got in the car." He shuddered "And I promised myself I would never live through that again."

"I'm really not that bad." Keith told them and everyone turned to stare at him "Alright. Nevermind."

"NEXT!" Lance yelled and pulled off the second piece of tape "What does Lance McClain...Eat?" He asked and looked around. Allura snorted. "Um. Just like...Food, you know? Fruits, vegetables, the occasional human..." He said and threw the board down "I'm glad we ended on that. Shiro, my man. Go for it."

"Alright, this one is...Is Takashi Shirogane...?"

"Alive."

"Gay."

"Japanese."

" _Mean_?" Shiro gaped and looked up "People think I'm mean?"

"Well...Not necessarily. They're just asking." Hunk tried and Shiro covered his face with the board "Aw, Shiro! We don't think you're mean!"

"No! I'm not!" He yelled and sat back up, ripping off the last piece of tape "Maybe _you're_ mean, ever think of that?" He grumbled "Does Takashi Shirogane...Wear eyeliner?" He said and tossed his board to the side "Wow...That's an interesting question..." He mused and pretended to think "Too bad I'm too mean to answer it." He said and waved his hand "Go ahead, Pidge."

"Wow...Well. For the record he _does_. Those eyes do not come naturally," Pidge said and Shiro gasped "Alright, here we go...Is Katie Holt related to Matthew Holt? Unfortunately, yes. He is my brother." She nodded and ripped off the next one "Is Katie Holt...Missing something? I...I don't know. Maybe." She shrugged "Probably." She laughed "I don't know what this means! What am I missing? I don't know!" She said and put down her board "I'm concerned and upset. Hunk." She said and gestured him "I hand this off to you." She said and Hunk picked up his board and nodded.

"I'm ready. I'm ready. Okay, is Hunk Garrett...Better?" He read out and nodded "Alright. I see a trend in how we're ending this." He said and bit back a smile "Like...What do they mean? Better than what?"

"Maybe you were sick." Keith suggested.

"Was I though?" He asked, looking at Keith "Have I gotten sick recently?" He asked and the other boy shrugged "Well...Yes. I am better. Thank you for your time," Hunk nodded and ripped off the next one "Is Hunk Garrett worth it? Alright. Why do you ask these things? I'm confused. A little scared. What does this _mean_?" He demanded as Pidge laughed. "I don't understand. Worth _what_?"

"This feels like...Something you would google when you're drunk. Like, it's three in the morning, you're thinking about life as you sit there with your bottle of vodka and you're just like...damn. Is Hunk Garrett even _worth it_?" Lance said, framing it "And then when you take a cold shower and drink some water you're like...Yeah. He is." He said and Hunk paused in laughing in his hand.

"I don't know what to say." He whispered "I'm a little worried this has something to do with criminal activity if I'm honest."

"What? Like someone is about to steal a whole bunch of money for you and is like 'wait a second' let me see if google think he's _worth it_ before I rob this bank." Shiro asked, raising his hands "What kind of people are you _hiring_?"

"HE'S NOT HIRING ANYONE!" Lionel yelled and Hunk threw his hands in the air "Allura - finish us off." He sighed "It's the end so they're going to be weird."

"Is Allura coming back?" She read and tilted her head "No. I'm not. Ever." She said and the camera zoomed in on Lance's distressed face for a moment before focusing back on Allura "Alright, who the...Who the is...Who the is Allura Voltron?" She read out and clicked her tongue "Is this a human thing?"

"Who the is...." Pidge whispered "I take back all my complaints with my questions." She giggled and Allura pressed her fingers over her eyes.

"We've been here too long. I'm tired." She groaned "I am the is." She said and Hunk snorted "I don't know!" She laughed "Teach your species some grammar!" She yelled and Hunk gasped in mock offense.

"Who the is do you think you are?" He demanded and paused when Nathan brought out another board "Wait...I thought we were done?" He asked.

"We are! We just have one more special board since two people in particular have been googled a lot together..." He said and Keith let out a scream.

"No!" He said when the board was put between him and Lance "I bet you that Shiro and Adam are googled just as much! And Allura and Romelle!" He gestured towards them and Nathan gave an apologetic shrug.

"Well...Yeah, but you guys are both here." He said and clapped a hand on his shoulder "It really is the last one." He promised and Keith groaned.

"It's only a few questions," Lance said looking at it "Why are Keith and Lance...Holding hands?"

"I hate this." Keith announced.

"It's because Keith sometimes gets lost," Lance said "If I'm not holding his hand then he'll wander off and join a secret galran group or something." He said and pulled off the next one "Are Keith and Lance...Dramatic?" He asked and shook his head "I don't think so."

"No, not really." Keith shrugged and the camera panned over to where everyone else was simultaneously nodding. "Did Lance and Keith get married?" He read out and shook his head "Despite the rumors...We have not. Except we did." He said and held up his hand "Suck it."

"This one is _where_ did Lance and Keith get married?" Lance said and grinned at everyone else "Why...that is a great question! We got married at the bottom of the Bermuda triangle because...Well, for a couple of reasons really." He said and looked over at Keith who was nodding "Originally, we didn't want the public to show up like at Shiro and Adam's wedding so we _reasonably_ suggested that we could go to the planet Hunk and I crash landed on with Queen Luxia and have our wedding there."

"Except," Keith jumped in "We were told that wasn't realistic." He said and pointed at Shiro "So naturally we had to prove everyone wrong. We got all of our allies from Alteans who specialized in quintessence magic to the best engineers in the world to underwater aliens to literally the most brilliant minds of the century...And they - as our true friends - helped us create our wedding venue."

"Which...Was at the bottom of the Bermuda triangle?" Nathan clarified "And the change in pressure wasn't a problem? Or the fact it would be pitch black down there?" He asked and Lance scoffed.

"Nathan. Please. We had it handled. Our wedding looked _awesome_." He assured him and turned to his friends "Hm?"

"Yes, you pulled it off. We _get it_." Pidge muttered "You're both so petty."

"How much did this cost?" Nathan asked. Keith and Lance exchanged glances.

"Don't worry about it," Lance said and pulled off the next strip of tape "Where did Keith and Lance honeymoon? We went to this place called Namare which is a planet a few galaxies away. We almost died several times, but it was still amazing." He nodded and Keith rose his eyebrows "It was fun!"

"Somebody else tried to marry you. On our honeymoon."

"Well...That part wasn't fun." Lance admitted "Neither was the part where that one town tried to make you mayor...But the rest of it!" He argued and before Keith could say anything else, went to the next question "Have Keith and Lance ever been arrested?" He read and shook his head "Um...Not together, no."

"Lance has."

"Really?" Lance glowered at him and Keith grinned back "Okay, I have - but I don't believe that Keith hasn't. Shiro?" He asked and the man looked away "That looks suspicious to me. I think you have." Lance told him and Keith rose his hands in a dismissive gesture.

"Go check police reports if you don't believe me."

"You totally have," Lance shook his head "You're just cocky I won't find out. I have Adam on my side. Remember that." He said and pointed at the camera "Along with Keith in earrings I'm going to find his secret mugshot and upload that too." He informed everyone and ripped the last piece of tape off "What is...Keith and Lance's last name?"

"Kogane."

"McClain."

"For the love of - Please." Shiro said weakly "Don't start this here."

"They don't know." Allura told the camera "They might not ever know." She muttered and smiled at Nathan. "Thank you for having us! Are we supposed to do the thing now?" She asked and Keith wrinkled his nose.

"I don't want to..." He muttered and Lance nudged him. 

"You just have to say one thing, Keith." He told him and Keith rolled his eyes.

"Thanks for watching." Keith said blandly. From beside him, Lance waved.

"We're Voltron!"

"And this has been..." Pidge said and did jazz hands as she gestured for Hunk.

"An autocomplete..."

"Interview!" Allura finished and Shiro pointed at the ground.

"Remember to like the video if you, uh...Liked it." He said and Nathan gave one last smile for the camera before it shut off.

* * *

Comments: 998m

_MythBuster918: I can't believe people are still buying into this 'Allura is a alien' thing. She has a British accent. She looks like a human. I can go to the store and put on some elf ears and put highlighter under my eyes. There's nothing 'alien' about it. Saviors of the universe...bullshit. you guys are such idiots. It is clearly a publicity stunt from the government trying to get us to pay more taxes. Wake! Up! People! [View: 254 likes and 982 replies]  
_

**_Reply from Pidgeon:_ ** _...hi friend. Do you happen to know what shape the Earth is?_

 **_Reply from MythBuster918:_ ** _Get your average IQ out of here_

 **_Reply from HubbaHunk:_ ** _@MythBuster918 WATCH IT_

 **_Reply from KeithKOGANE:_ ** _@MythBuster918 get your below average IQ out of here, bitch_

 **_Reply from ActuallyItsKeithMCCLAIN:_ ** _@MythBuster918 .....Daniel? Is that you?_

 **_Reply from YourHighness:_ ** _Lance? You know this person?  
_

_**Reply from ActuallyItsKeithMCCLAIN:** My old Garrison roommate...@MythBuster918 yo. I still have my racist shakers. I can modify them into 'be rude to pidge again and I'll bash your face in shakers' <3  
_

**_Reply from TheBESTShirogane:_ ** _THIS IS THE GUY YOU CARRIED MARACAS AROUND FOR?! Wait...that means I taught this kid. @MythBuster918 I'm pretty sure I told you that Earth wasn't flat in class at some point...._

 **_Reply from MythBuster918:_ ** _never said the Earth was flat. Just that this is all a scam._

_**Reply from TheBetterShirogane:** ....wow._

_ActuallyItsKeithMCCLAIN: For those interested, here is that[picture of Keith in his earrings ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ)[(:](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ)_ _[View: 9.2m likes and 3.2m replies]_

 **_Reply from KeithKOGANE:_ ** _fuck you, here's[Lance's true form](https://www.google.com/search?q=in+spanish+meme&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwiX2LCSjsngAhUST98KHR6lCDEQ_AUIDigB&biw=1280&bih=617#imgrc=vlER4Rqsj_E77M:)  
_

**_Reply from Pidgeon:_** _both of you shut up  
_

_VeronicaMcClainOrtega: congrats on the engagement, Allura!!!! [View: 982,485 likes and 592,984 replies]  
_

**_Reply from YourHighness:_ ** _thank you! And thank you for helping me out with it <3_

 **_Reply from ActuallyItsKeithMCCLAIN:_ ** _???_

 **_Reply from VeronicaMcClainOrtega:_ ** _(;_

_EsMejorQueTuEnEspañol: Pretty one...I am sorry that you are not at the center of my mantel. Maybe your next wedding picture will be put in the center. [View: 12m likes and 2.1m replies]  
_

_**Reply from TheBESTShirogane:**...next...wedding picture?_

_**Reply from TheBetterShirogane:** I won't let you down again camilla_

_**Reply from TheBESTShirogane:** excuse me??????_

_**Reply from EsMejorQueTuEnEspañol:** Good_

_**Reply from TheBESTShirogane:** HELLO?!  
_

_**Reply from TheBESTShirogane:** Adam???  
_

_**Reply from TheBESTShirogane:** ADAM  
_

_**Reply from TheBetterShirogane:**  what? I'm just saying our next wedding picture will be better. _

_**Reply from TheBESTShirogane:** ....why are we having another wedding? and when?  
_

_**Reply from TheBetterShirogane:** because we can and we need to show up Keith and Lance.... and, like, when thea is like 10 maybe?  _

**_Reply from KeithKOGANE:_ ** _show up Keith and Lance....because you are admitting our wedding was better, right?_

 **_Reply from ActuallyItsKeithMCCLAIN:_ ** _BAM! The tea is hot. Don't burn yourself._

 **_Reply from TheBESTShirogane:_ ** _tell us what happened with the cake and we'll admit your wedding was better_

 **_Reply from KeithKOGANE:_ ** _cake information is strictly classified. Sorry._

 **_Reply from TheBetterShirogane:_ ** _damnit. we'll find out someday....make my words...._

_AgentKroliaKogane: i didn't realize your birth was bothering you so much keith.... call me and I'll tell you the truth [View: 3m likes and 999,245 replies]  
_

**_Reply from HubbaHunk:_ ** _dont fall for it Keith_

 **_Reply from KeithKOGANE:_ ** _what the hell mom?_

 **_Reply from Pidgeon:_ ** _what happened?_

 **_Reply from KeithKOGANE:_ ** _I called her and Adam picked up and told me that my parents bought me from the clearance section at the dollar store_

 **_Reply from AgentKroliaKogane:_ ** _(:_

_PrettyTired234: I wouldnt mind dating pidge (: <3 [View: 14,593 likes and 84 replies]  
_

**_Reply from Matt-tician001:_ ** _who are you? thats my sister. you cant date my sister if you aren't top tier level cool because i'll be hanging out a lot with you and i dont want to hang out with someone boring._

_**Reply from PrettyTired234:** uh...i think im cool....my name is sam? _

**_Reply from Matt-tician001:_ ** _our dad's name is sam. i cant hang out with someone who has the same name as my dad. next._

_**Reply from JenTheTen:** checked out sam's profile. lots of dogs...matt. maybe reconsider. _

**_Reply from TallDarkAndDone:_ ** _you two are the reason she is probably not dating anyone_

 **_Reply from Pidgeon:_ ** _why can't anyone in my life just let me rest?_

_[comments are no longer being accepted]_


	20. Basically Kidnapped

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Who's your mother?"
> 
> "Krolia. She's a member of the blade."
> 
> "Who was the paladin of the black lion before you?"
> 
> "Shiro. He raised me back on Earth and I took Black from him when he died."
> 
> "Aha!" Talis yelled and pointed at him "Takashi Shirogane is not dead!"
> 
> Well then.
> 
> "I know," Keith snorted "He's married to Adam back on Earth now. But he did die for a little while and came back to life when his soul was put into his clone's body." He said and Talis grimaced at that.
> 
> "...Who are you married to?"
> 
> "Some idiot named Lance."
> 
> "He checks out, Jara." Talis sighed and stepped away from him "I'm keeping my eye on you though...You don't seem tall enough to be the real Keith." They said and Keith was left feeling almost insulted at that. He was pretty tall now. Taller than Lance which was truly a feat in itself. Before he could respond the alien shimmered again and was invisible.
> 
> Or 
> 
> Keith meets this kid on an alien planet. He tries not get attached (aka Keith and Lance meet their second child)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was going to write a Hunk one-shot, but then I realized I haven't introduced Talis yet... So here's Talis.

Despite the war being over...It wasn't over.

Technically, Zarkon's reign had finished and the galras were all working towards creating peaceful alliances and freeing all of the enslaved planets. However, the universe was pretty big and...Well. Not everyone was on board with Zarkon no longer being in power. Not to mention there were always the next round of assholes trying to rise into power for universal dominance.

Enter Keith. As the leader of Voltron and a half-galra he often was thrust into missions that involved the remaining sympathizers of Zarkon. Usually, the entire team would go on missions, but on the occasion it was more a diplomacy thing or there wasn't actually much violence Keith would go alone and take care of any sort of logistics...Which, admittedly was sometimes more ideal. When all of Voltron had to go on a mission then Keith and Lance had to spend hours frantically figuring out of Kaleb was going to Cuba for the time being or if any of Lance's family could come to the Garrison to watch their son. If only Keith or Lance were sent out then it made the whole parenting thing a lot easier.

"Paladin Keith," The woman said as he exited Black. "Thank you for coming on such short notice."

Really she should be thanking Lance. Keith was just going to send someone else until his husband got annoyed with him for 'being a bad role model and trying to get out of work'. Whatever. Lance sometimes ate vitamin gummy bears as a snack so really _he_ was the bad role model.

"Of course," He said instead, taking a look around the planet. This had been one of the planets Zarkon had occupied and only recently had surrendered. This meant there was pretty much chaos for the aliens who had been enslaved there. Unlike other planets, this one was more a dumping place. None of the aliens here were natives on the planet so there was the whole process of figuring where they should go, how to help them and so forth.

He was truly terrible at this part of his job.

"My name is Jara," The woman told him "I'll take you to the meeting room and we'll figure out what to do from there." She said and Keith nodded, eyes flicking over the smoking remains of destruction and huddles of various aliens. Some were watching him with uncertain eyes while others were openly gawking. He nodded at a few of them before following Jara.

"HALT!"

Keith paused. He didn't see who had spoken, but the voice didn't exactly sound...Threatening. Still, he put a hand on his bayard just in case.'

"Ignore them," Jara sighed "Talis is harmless."

"No! I am very harmful!" The voice objected and the air around him shimmered so that a small alien had appeared in front of him. They glowered at Keith, chin jutted out as they looked him up and down suspiciously "How do we know he's the _real_ Black paladin?" They asked and Jara looked at the sky.

"We don't have time for this, child." She muttered, but Talis seemed unmoved.

"I have the Black lion." Keith suggested and hit the side of his hip "And my bayard."

"Maybe you _stole_ the lion and bayard. Ever think of that?" They said and Keith crossed his arms. Despite barely reaching his elbow, the kid did not seem intimidated by him. If anything, their orange eyes seem to flicker with even more defiance as Keith stared back.

"That's a good point," He finally said, "How do you think I should prove that I'm the real Black paladin?" He asked and Talis blinked a little at the response but quickly nodded. After a few moments of silence, they spoke again, shifting between each foot.

"Where did you grow up?"

"Earth."

"Who's your mother?"

"Krolia. She's a member of the blade."

"Who was the paladin of the black lion before you?"

"Shiro. He raised me back on Earth and I took Black from him when he died."

"Aha!" Talis yelled and pointed at him "Takashi Shirogane is _not_ dead!"

Well then.

"I know," Keith snorted "He's married to Adam back on Earth now. But he _did_ die for a little while and came back to life when his soul was put into his clone's body." He said and Talis grimaced at that.

"...Who are you married to?"

"Some idiot named Lance."

"He checks out, Jara." Talis sighed and stepped away from him "I'm keeping my eye on you though...You don't seem tall enough to be the real Keith." They said and Keith was left feeling almost insulted at that. He was pretty tall now. Taller than Lance which was truly a feat in itself. Before he could respond the alien shimmered again and was invisible.

"I'm sorry about that," Jara told him and continued walking them in their original direction "We don't know quite what to do with that one."

"Your kid?" Keith asked. They did have the same red complexion with orange patterns flickering over their skin. Jara scoffed.

"Definitely not, though we are of the same species. Talis was one of the slaves of this planet." She said and Keith paused.

"What?" He frowned "They couldn't have been more than seven." He said, slowly "Where are their parents?"

"Not sure," Jara shrugged "My understanding is that Talis was sold into the system by their previous caretakers." She said and when Keith continued to stare in horror gave a sympathetic smile "Such is the reality of war. We gave them the same pension as the adults, don't worry." She said and Keith felt his outrage climb a little at that. He wasn't a huge fan on the current monetary system they had put in place for the released slaves. For every alien who had experienced oppression under Zarkon, the coalition provided them with a sum of money that would allow them to get back on their feet. Keith wasn't sure a 'sorry we fucked you and your entire species up for ten thousand years' fund was the solution, but for now it was all they had.

He wasn't sure how he felt about a child being given money and sent along their way though...

As he entered the building he could have sworn he saw the air beside him shimmer again.

* * *

"Are you hungry?"

A few people gave him odd stares for speaking to the air, but Keith had a feeling he wasn't really alone. The air shimmered again and orange eyes met his.

"No."

"You're lying," He said flatly and Talis sat across from him, nose wrinkling as they looked at the food splayed out across the table. "Take some."

"What...Is it?" They asked and Keith bit back a smile "It looks weird."

"Does it? Hunk made it." He said, and as he suspected, Talis' eyes lit up with recognition. They grabbed a piece and nibbled at it.

"Did he really?" They whispered and Keith nodded "Hunk is so cool...He has a blaster." Talis informed him, as if Keith had been unaware "Look! I have his lion!" They said and dumped out a frayed handbag. Cards and stuffed animals spilled out. Keith curiously picked one up and internally groaned when he realized he was on a freaking _baseball card_. He flipped it over and - yep. There was his strengths, weaknesses, height, weight - how did people know these things? "Here!" Talis said and thrust a stuffed yellow lion in his face.

"Where did you get that?" He asked, gently taking the lion to look it over. Most of the stuff seemed fairly...New. Maybe Talis _had_ found someone to look after them.

"I bought it!"

Or not.

"...Um. With the money the coalition gave you?" He asked and Talis nodded eagerly "Did you buy _all_ of this?" He asked and Talis beamed, holding up a Voltron t-shirt.

Help him.

"You know...You could have bought food." He said and Talis waved a hand dismissively.

"They never fed us a lot before anyways, I'm used to it. But _look_! It's a hat that looks like Pidge's lion!" They said and Keith could only watch with a growing sense of panic whirling in his stomach. This child was going to die. They were going to die surrounded my Voltron merch, but still die nevertheless. 

"Do you have any money left?" He asked tightly and Talis frowned, nose wrinkling a little before giving a shrug. "Talis...Do you have somewhere to sleep? Somewhere you know that's safe?" He sighed. Talis stared.

"You're very serious...So I am! We have so much in common!" They said, puffing out their chest. Keith tried to remember being seven. His dad would have still been alive back then... Maybe Keith had been similar. The thought hurt a little so he shook it away. 

"Um...Sure. Where are you staying tonight, Talis?" He tried again. Talis clicked their tongue.

"I'm not supposed to tell strangers that."

"I'm not a stranger! You know the length of my sword-"

"Twenty-nine human inches."

"I don't even know that," Keith said with exasperation "So I think it is fair to say you can trust me." He reasoned and Talis hummed.

"I'll tell you..." They said and put their chin in their hand, smiling brightly "If you take me for a ride in your lion!"

"Are you...Using your safety as leverage against me?" He asked and Talis grabbed more of Keith's lunch, triumphantly taking a bite.

"I might be."

Damnit.

* * *

"You _cannot_ fly the lion!" Keith said for the hundredth time. Talis was practically vibrating next to him, hands close enough to the controls that Keith was pretty sure he was going to have a heart attack. "Talis. I'll land if you don't knock it off." He warned and immediately was on the receiving end of a glower.

"I bet if paladin _Lance_ had come he would have let me pilot."

This tiny alien was going to kill him. Then promptly kill themselves due to poor money management skills. 

"That won't work on me." He said instead and Talis rose an eyebrow. 

"I hear Shiro's husband is a really good pilot too..." They mused and Keith stared.

"I'm afraid that's one piece of information you got wrong," He said "Adam is a terrible pilot. He got blown up." He sniffed and Talis shrugged.

"I heard he could pilot upside down."

"I'm not going to pilot upside down."

"Oh, I didn't think you would... Only Adam can do that." Keith could not believe this. He had saved the world - the _universe_. He was a hero...With an equally heroic husband and a beautiful child and he would _not_ be manipulated by this small force of nerdy knowledge and their constant need to fight everything. Talis tilted their head, eyes challenging as their words hung in the air, taunting him. 

Whatever.

"...Fine. Put your seatbelt on."

* * *

A whole two days later and Keith would say his mission was pretty successful. Not only did he help figure out some systems to put in place that would ease the chaotic situation the planet was under, but he found a neighboring planet that was housing orphaned children. He figured it was a good place to leave Talis while finding a better home for them.

"I don't _want_ to go there," Talis informed him, dragging the three bags of Voltron gear they had somehow tricked Keith into buying "Kids are annoying!"

"You are a kid." Keith said and Talis bristled at this "And you are terrible at taking care of yourself. I'll be back, okay? I need to find a family that I know is able to take care of you." He said and Talis rolled their eyes.

"I'm a _warrior_. I can take of myself."

"Uh huh. Your shirt is on backwards." He scoffed and ruffled their hair. Talis' orange markings glowed with irritation "Come on. It won't be so bad. You're seven. I can't leave a seven-year-old by themselves." He reasoned and when Talis remained unconvinced, sighed "I wouldn't leave my son alone by himself." He tried.

"Your son is _three_ ," Talis sniffed "I'm not three."

"I am honestly scared by how much you know." Keith said warily "Get moving...And if you try to go invisible on me I'll dump glitter on you again."

" _No more glitter, you animal!_ "

* * *

"Welcome back, good looking!"

"Hey," Keith greeted through the comms as he pulled into Earth's atmosphere "You sound exhausted."

"Kaleb has decided to pursue a passion in singing recently. He likes to practice at three in the morning." Lance said blandly and Keith winced at that as he eased Black towards the docking pad. A few of the other lions' eyes lit up in welcome. "How was the mission?" He asked and Keith hummed in response.

"Good - hey, do we have anything in place for matching kids to families?" He asked, "If not, we really need to get on that."

"Hm...Match how? Like species compatibility? I know Pidge was working on something like that. Apparently, a family of merpeople tried to take a flight oriented alien in...It didn't work out." Lance said and Keith scoffed as he stretched, popping his joints "Why?"

"Ran into this kid..." He murmured and shook his head "You would have liked them. Very sassy. Blackmailed me and everything."

"I missed a small child blackmailing you?" Lance gasped "Damn. Remind me to go with you next time." He said and Keith rolled his eyes, shutting out the comms so he could go out and greet his husband. As he stood up there was a small knocking sound. Keith whirled around, looking to see what had fallen over. Nothing moved. Strange....

Then again, he was tense from the trip. Clicking open the exit point, he jogged out, taking his helmet off as he did so.

"You're like a walking L'Oreal commercial," Lance called out to him "I swear, your hair just blew in the wind and there definitely wasn't any wind."

"I have no idea what any of that meant." Keith said, kissing him in greeting "How was everything here? Was-" Before he could finish there was a loud crash and Keith spun around to see Black's eyes light up. The air shimmered.

Oh no.

"What was that?" Lance asked and Talis glinted into view next to them "Or...Who is that? And why were they in your lion?" Lance frowned and Keith clasped his hands together, nodding slowly.  
  
"Uh...That is Talis." He said and looked over at where the child had frozen in trying to get up and was now staring up at Red with wide eyes and fascination "Remember that kid I just mentioned? Well...I, um...Guess they were in my lion..."

"So...You kidnapped them?"

"What? No! I didn't know they were in there!" Keith objected "I left them back on Otiep!" He said and Lance sighed.

"Well, it looks like you kidnapped them to me."  
  
"I didn't kidnap them!" Keith shot back "Listen...I _swear_ they were not in the ship with me when I left-" He said and Talis gasped when they saw Lance. Keith sighed.  
  
"You're Lance McClain!" Talis squealed, rushing over to them "You are so cool! You're just like BAM! And the bad guys are like _no_!" They said and mimicked being shot. Lance stared. "Can you show me your bayard? I'm stronger than I look so I can hold it, don't worry!" They informed him with a nod before almost tripping of their own feet. Lance stared at them, expression completely blank for a few seconds. Keith internally sighed as his husband met his eyes.  
  
"...I love this kidnapped child."

" _I didn't kidnap them!"_

* * *

"So...You're the kid Keith kidnapped," Adam greeted and Talis nodded happily, eating more of Hunk's food. "Welcome to our home, I guess." 

"I did not kidnap you." Keith gritted out and Talis furrowed their brows.

"But...You were all like ' _get into the lion or else I'll murder you!_ ' and I'm pretty sure that is what a kidnapping is..."

" _Keith_!" Shiro gasped, turning to him in outrage and Talis shot him a bright smile as Pidge immediately hugged Talis, giving apologies.

"...He really isn't that bad! He just has trouble expressing himself sometimes." She was saying as Talis sadly nodded.

"That is _not_ what happened!" Keith yelled "I...Okay. Okay. Talis." He said firmly and stared them down "Tell the truth." He said and kept looking at the alien until they finally averted their eyes with a sigh. 

"Keith didn't kidnap me..." They grumbled and Adam made a noise of disappointment "But I didn't want to get left in that place! And I don't want to go with some random family! I want to beat up bad guys like all of you do!" They said and pointed to their head "I have a hat..."

"It is an _awesome_ hat," Pidge said with a bit of amusement "But you're seven, Talis." She pointed out and Talis wilted. Everyone went quiet as the alien stared forlornly at their food, taking small bites with an air of someone who had just learned they had been sentence to death. Keith heard a strangled noise beside him and turned to see Lance fighting various expressions before shaking his head.

"I...Oh, stop looking like that." Lance groaned "Keith, talk to me for a second." He said and when Keith rose an eyebrow, took his hand and led them out of Adam and Shiro's kitchen and towards Thea's room. Given that Thea was at school, they were unlikely to be interrupted.

"We can't make them go back to that orphanage." He said lowly as he shut the door "Keith, we _can't_." 

"Well, what do you think we should do?!" Keith whispered back and Lance looked at him before giving a small opened hand gestured. Keith immediately shook his head. "....No. I love you, but we are barely surviving with Kaleb." He said and they both cracked open the door to glance over at where Talis was attempting to show everyone else how Shiro fought Sendak. "They...Would be such a handful..." He said weakly. Talis fell down and was caught by Hunk. 

"Kaleb did say he wanted someone else to play with..." Lance reasoned with an innocent shrug "Is it really that insane of an idea?" 

"He has Thea!" Keith tried and then shook his head "But I suppose it is _Thea_..." He grumbled, thinking of goddaughter. He looked around her room and noted a drawing pinned up of him and her holding hands. Ugh. "She's a terrible influence. Horrible." He reasoned and Lance rolled his eyes, but said nothing. "I mean...I guess. If you think we could do it..." He said uncertainly "We've done a good job with Kaleb, right?"

"Yeah! Our kid is the _best_. We could totally add another."

"Yeah! We're awesome at this."

"Yeah!" Lance told him and they both looked at Talis through the crack in the door. "They're going to freak out when we ask, aren't they?"

"Oh definitely," Keith snorted "They have playing cards of us, you know. With all of our stats on there." He said and Lance nodded in approval. "It said I had better endurance than you."

"Lies. We need to save this kid from fake news, Keith." Lance said and paused "Wait...Should we ask Kaleb about this first?" He frowned and Keith paused.

"He's three...Do you think he'll even notice?"

" _Keith_."

* * *

"Really?!" Talis gasped "You mean it?"

"I mean...You would have to go to school." Keith said "And you can't just go around using weapons or trying to fly spaceships, okay? You're a kid. You have to act like one for a while before we let you do any hero stuff." He said and Talis kept nodding. He was a little worried that they were hyperventilating.

"And only if you want to-" Lance started, but was cut off by Talis.

"OF COURSE I WANT TO!" They shrieked and threw themselves at the paladin "Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!" They said and started dancing around "I can't wait! Also, what is school? Is that a place you fight? I'm going to be the _best_ at school!" They yelled "I am going to _crush school!"_

Keith opened his mouth, but was silenced when Lance put a hand on his shoulder.

"Don't tell them yet...Let them have this."

* * *

"Hi! I'm Thea! Uncle Lance and Uncle Key are going to be your dads, right?" Thea asked, plopping down next to Talis. Shiro and Adam froze. They had planned for the introduction to be a little more subtle, but Thea seemed to have plans of her own.

"Yeah...Are you Thea?" Talis asked cautiously, pausing in organizing their merchandise collection "What are you _wearing_?"

"It's a dress!" Thea frowned "See? It has flowers on it."

"You can't fight in that."

"No, but you can hide snacks in it." She said and Talis considered this before nodding. "Does this mean Kaleb is going to be your brother? Because I love Kaleb a lot and you can't hog him, okay? He's only a baby, but he can say lots of stuff so you got to be quiet and listen. Don't be mean to him else you're going to be my _enemy_." She said, crossing her arms and Talis sat up, now looking intrigued.

"Your enemy? Do you have a lot of enemies?"

"Yeah," Thea shrugged, "Uncle Key says he's my enemy...And this boy in school is my enemy because he stole my crackers." She said and Talis nodded, looking suitably impressed by this information.

"You're not bad...For a kid. Is your dad _really_ Shiro?"

"Yeah. He's really good and playing hide and seek."

"That's awesome!"

"Want to see?" Thea asked and turned to her parents "Daddy! Can we play hide and seek?" She said and when she turned back around, Talis was gone. "Wha-?" She started, but the air shimmered, letting Talis reappear "OH MY GOODNESS!" Thea yelled, " _You are going to be the best hider!"_ She gasped and grabbed Talis' hand "Can you teach me how to do that?!"

"Okay!"

"What have we done?" Lance murmured as he walked into the room and Kaleb laughed from his arms, squirming a bit in an effort to be let down. Thea froze, possibly recognizing Kaleb's voice from a thousand miles away and spun around.

"Kaleb!" She beamed and Lance released Kaleb, letting him walk towards his godsister "I missed you!"

"Tee!" Kaleb yelled and Talis jumped at his voice, shuffling a little away from the toddler "Hi!" Kaleb added brightly and Talis hesitantly waved. "Tal?" He asked and Talis looked suitably alarmed at being recognized. Keith and Lance had already explained the situation to their son... Kaleb did not seem to care about the delicacy of it and marched over to grab Talis' hand. "Come on. Let's play." He informed them. Thea frowned.

"Me too, right?" She asked and Kaleb grabbed her hand.

"Yep!" He announced. Talis tilted his head at Kaleb, looking the three-year-old up and down with careful deliberation. "Here..." Kaleb said and started handing out toy lions to each of them. Talis took the Black lion with a nod.

"That was my daddy's lion," Thea told them "But now it's Uncle Key's."

"Thank you, Kaleb." Talis said and smiled a little "Hey! Want to see what I can do?" They asked and disappeared again. Kaleb dropped the toy blue lion he was holding.

"Tal...?" He whispered and Talis reappeared.

"Boo!" They said and Kaleb screamed in alarm before freezing. Thea paused - unsure if she was upset or not before Kaleb giggled.

"Do it again!" He said and clapped his hand. Talis beamed and obliged.

"Boo!"

"Boo!" Kaleb shouted back "Tee look!" He giggled "They can...They can do that!"

"They're going to be good at hide and seek." Thea agreed "Hey! Want to go scared Uncle Coran?" She asked and the three excitedly got up and dashed towards the door, leaving their parents behind.

"So...That went well." Shiro said and from the other room, there was a crash.

"WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALFOR AND WOMBLEGIMLETS IS HAPPENING?!" Coran yelled followed by giggling."WHY ARE THERE THREE OF YOU?!"

"We forgot to tell Coran that you kidnapped us a child." He sighed "I _knew_ we forgetting to do something." 

"I did _not_ kidnap them! You can't go around saying that or else the media is going to hear and-"

"I thought Hunk was the criminal in the family, but alas! My own _husband_!" Lance gasped as he walked out of the room to where the kids were still torturing Coran. Keith followed indignantly, shaking his head as he went.

"I'm sorry. Who got drunk and robbed the pet store again? Because it certainly wasn't me." He argued as he exited the room. Shiro and Adam looked at each other.

"Do... you want another kid?" Shiro asked slowly. Adam stared back at him thoughtfully before grabbing his husband's hand.

"Takashi... _Fuck_ no," He said stoically "Thea has literally taken up my entire life. Those two are idiots." Adam he informed him and Shiro gave a sigh of relief.

"Thank God...I was so worried." He said, putting a hand on Adam's shoulder "I hope that kid causes Keith as many problems as he cause me."

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

"That we bribe Talis by signing their playing cards and use their loyalty to get revenge on Keith for being a handful growing up?" He asked and Adam beamed.

"I love you...But also we need to make sure Talis is an angel for Lance. Alejandro deserves it and it would make Keith even crazier."

"I love you too...But I think Lance should also be tortured? I mean, he did sometimes drive me crazy up in space."

"Irrelevant. He's never driven me crazy." Adam argued and paused, tapping his lips thoughtfully "But he _has_ been slow to answer my texts lately...And I still haven't forgiven him for saying his wedding was better than ours...Okay. I'm on board. Lance too." He agreed "What should our first ploy be?" He asked and the air around the shimmered.

"You're going to sign my cards?!" Talis gasped and Adam swore loudly. "I'm really good at pranks! I can do that!"

"I...My heart. That's going to take some getting used to." Adam said and looked at Talis "I'm glad you were so easy to convince though," He snorted "Hey. You know what? I have the _perfect_ first job for you! Keith has been hoarding Camilla's cookies somewhere. Your first task it to find them and bring them to us."

"Who's Camilla?" They asked "I don't remember reading about her...Is she a paladin too? Can she fight?"

"Well...Camilla can fight in her own way. Really she is going to be the third most important person in your life." Adam told them and Talis nodded.

"Because Lance and Keith are the first and second?"

"What? No. Takashi and I are the first and second," Adam said "Come on...Let's get to know each other. I'll give you _everything_ you need to know."

" _Adam step away from them right now_!" Keith yelled from the other room "Talis don't listen to anything he says!"

"Welcome to the family, kid." Shiro said "If you can add to the chaos, you'll be fine."

Talis beamed, eyes glowing slightly with mischief as they glanced at where Keith was currently attempting to get Adam to leave the room. Lance entered to play peacemaker, but was currently taking Adam's side much to Keith's outrage.

"Don't worry. I'm good with chaos." They said and Shiro grinned.


	21. Basically a Hunk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Oh..." Hunk said, looking down at the flowers "That's so nice, James. Thank you." 
> 
> "Sure," James told him "We, uh...Should do this again sometime." 
> 
> Hunk honestly didn't know what Lance was talking about. This kid was lovely. After promising his new friend they would grab coffee tomorrow morning, he turned to find Nadia waving excitedly at him.
> 
> "Hey!" He greeted her, grinning wildly as she rushed up to greet him with a hug. "How are you?"
> 
> "Great! Yesterday was so awesome - It was such an adrenaline rush! Do you want to see a movie tonight? Ina said that there was a new horror movie out..." She smiled sweetly and Hunk rubbed the back of his neck.
> 
> "I'm not that great with scary stuff..."
> 
> "I'll protect you!" Nadia told him brightly "You can even hold my hand."
> 
> "Really?!"
> 
> Or
> 
> That time Hunk dated a bunch of people just...Didn't know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been awhile since I've given Hunk some love. And he deserves all the love....Which is the point of this fic lol.

Hunk had always made friends very easily.

He was a friendly person. He liked people and tried his best to understand them. The fact that he was warm and enthusiastic about life seemed like the combination to just draw others to him. Usually, it wasn't a problem. If anything...It was a benefit! Especially as he entered his new persona of Little Tuna. Who would have thought networking was the most important part of crime? Not him.

Not that he thought often about crime. Well...He did _now_ , but before he started profiting off of drugs to make illegal food in his school's abandoned basement. God, if he ever got caught he had no idea how he was going to explain this to his parents. If people those Skull Crusher was scary than they had clearly not spent time with his mother.

"Hey Hunk!"

"Hey," He greeted as Nadia skipped up to him. He didn't know her very well, but the girl was always eager to grab him in a conversation. He turned to smile at her as she leaned against the locker next to him, looking around before taking a long breath. "What's up?"

"Do you want to grab coffee sometime?" She asked, head tilted "Maybe do laser tag or something after?" She asked and Hunk blinked. She wanted to...Do something outside of class together? He tilted his head, processing the information. Why would she want to do that? They didn't talk enough to quite be considered _friends_ and - Oh.

 _Oh_. Right. Of course. He looked down at the yarn bracelet around his wrist...The symbol of the little gang he had created since arriving at the Garrison. He really should have considered that people in school were going to want to start networking with him too... Not just criminals. Was Nadia someone he could trust though...?

"Sure," He told her. Surely coffee wouldn't hurt, right? He could get a general gist of her character and how into this whole mob thing she was. Nadia immediately brightened and clapped her hands together. "Eight?"

"Sounds perfect! I'll see you then!" She beamed and skipped away, practically vibrating with energy. Hunk shook his head. Being a criminal was a wild experience.

* * *

"....and I was just thinking that, like, I don't want to _assume_ , but I thought that maybe...You are...Yeah." PJ finished stuttering out. Hunk wasn't sure that anything he said was really a proper sentence, but he got the general theme of where the conversation was going. PJ had also figured out he was running an underground operation. Right. Okay. Cool, cool, cool.

"And if I am?" He asked his classmate warily and PJ flushed right down to his roots.

"Well...I was, uh...Wondering if you wanted to...Get to know each other?" He asked weakly and Hunk smiled. This kid did _not_ have the composure to be in this gig...But still, he could probably find _something_ for him to do. Maybe hire him as a cook or something.

"Yeah. Let's do that." He nodded and PJ stared.

"Really?"

"Of course!" He said and PJ nodded, a smile bursting on his face as the tension left his shoulders.

"Great! Maybe we can grab dinner tomorrow around six?" He asked and Hunk almost laughed. Dinner. Right. At least this guy had a good sense of humor.

"Perfect. I can't wait!" He said eagerly and watched as PJ stumbled away before going back to his homework.

* * *

As the kitchen expanded so did the people asking to meet up. Fiona Davison. James Griffin. The girl from his engineering class and some random guy from the grade above his. Word must really be getting out...

"Hey Garrett!" Somebody called and Hunk turned to see James Griffin himself walking towards him with a bouquet of flowers in hand. From beside him, Lance rose an eyebrow.

"Ugh, what's he doing here?" Lance muttered and Hunk scowled at his friend.

"James isn't so bad." He countered and as if to prove Hunk's point, James shoved the flowers in Hunk's face.

"Um...I wanted to thank you for the other night...Here." He said and Lance made a choked noise from beside him. 

"Oh..." Hunk said, looking down at the flowers "That's so nice, James. Thank you."  
  
"Sure," James told him "We, uh...Should do this again sometime."  
  
Hunk honestly didn't know what Lance was talking about. This kid was lovely. After promising his new friend they would grab coffee tomorrow morning, he turned to find Nadia waving excitedly at him.  
  
"Hey!" He greeted her, grinning wildly as she rushed up to greet him with a hug. "How are you?"  
  
"Great! Yesterday was so awesome - It was such an adrenaline rush! Do you want to see a movie tonight? Ina said that there was a new horror movie out..." She smiled sweetly and Hunk rubbed the back of his neck.  
  
"I'm not that great with scary stuff..."  
  
"I'll protect you!" Nadia told him brightly "You can even hold my hand."

"Really?!"

"You bet," She winked "So I'll see you later?" She asked and Hunk nodded eagerly. He was beginning to see the appeal of his job path. Yeah, it was illegal, but like...Movies? Flowers? Spending time with cool people? This was _awesome_. He smiled to himself, turning to grab his bag when he noticed Lance gawking at him.

"What?" He asked and Lance closed his eyes, giving a long sigh.

"You don't know, do you?" He asked and Hunk rose an eyebrow. "Oh my God, you _don't_. Dude." Lance groaned and ran a hand over his face. "Hunk...Buddy..."

" _What_?" He said, crossing his arms "They could be valuable assets!"

"Elena was right, I can't... I suddenly wish Adam knew about our illegal activity _just_ to tell him this story." He sighed and shook his head "Shit this."

"You're sixteen. Stop cursing incorrectly."

"Stop trying to break my spirit!" Lance shot back and looked around "Hunk, listen to me. Nadia and James and the others...They're not-"

"HEY HUNK!" PJ called from down the hall and Lance nodded slowly.

"You know what? I'll tell you later." He said and clapped his shoulder before grabbing his textbook and darting towards Adam's classroom. Hunk shook his head. He had weird friends.

* * *

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

" _No_."

" _Yes_."

"Lance, I _can't_." Hunk whined as he pulled his comforter over his face "I'm a bad person. Let me die. Turn me over to the cops. Sell my soul to the devil." He groaned as he flipped over and moaned into his pillow " _Is this Karma_?!" He screamed. Lance sighed.

"Dude. I know it was shocking to learn that you are dating nine people... But you _can't_ just send them apology gifts and expect them to understand that means you broke up with them." He said and rubbed his back "They might just think you're being nice." He said and Hunk sniffed.

"But if I tell them that we're breaking up they'll be _sad_."

"I...Yeah. They will...But you have to do it." Lance told him and Hunk screamed into his pillow.

"Love is so _hard_."

"You...Are not in love with them. You were not aware you were dating anyone until three hours ago and your solution was to send Elena to buy them over five hundred dollars worth of gifts." He said dryly and Hunk shrugged. He thought he had reacted within reason. "Dude, you have to break up with them."

"...Can you do it?"

"I will not."

"I'm technically you're boss." Hunk said hopefully and Lance stared at him "I'm sorry...That was mean." He whispered and stared at the ceiling. He was a monster. A truly horrible, heinous being. He _cheated_ on nine wonderful people and now he had to...Oh God. This was awful. Terrible.

"It's okay...You know what? Maybe I'll write you down what to say. Would that work?"

"Can someone else read it?"

"No."

* * *

"I got a tattoo."

"You fucking _what_?" Lance demanded as he glanced up from where he had been trying to translate something from their textbook correctly "Where? When? _Why_?"

"I texted Skull Crusher that I was dealing with a broken heart and he said the best thing to do was get a tattoo," Hunk informed him and sat down on the bed at the other end of Lance's room. He wasn't sure where Lance's roommate was, but he was pretty sure the guy wouldn't mind. "He went and got one too."

Lance pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Can I see the tattoo?" He asked warily and Hunk wordlessly pulled down his shirt so he shoulder was visible. Lance stared. "It's...A heart. With a knife in it."

"Because I put a knife in hearts." Hunk told him gravely.

"You haven't even broke up with them yet..." Lance said and Hunk scowled. "I mean it actually kind of looks awesome, but like. You haven't put a knife in anyone's heart yet, bud." Lance told him and Hunk pulled his shirt back up, staring solemnly at the wall in front of him.

"After I do it can we eat ice cream and watch a sad movie?" He asked and Lance ran a hand through his hair, but nodded "Thanks, man. Alright. I'm going to do it."

"You can do it."

"Yeah. I got this!"

* * *

"And you're just... _so great_ and I am _so sorry_." Hunk sobbed as Nadia handed him another tissue, rubbing his back.

"It's okay...We can still be friends, Hunk. Don't cry."

"How can you want to be my friend? I'm _terrible_." He sniffed and Nadia glanced over at the huge box that obscured half her dorm room.

"Well...You did buy me new sky diving equipment and leased me a private jet..."

"Oh my God," Hunk whispered "What have I done? I made you think money is equatable to love. Oh no..."

"Fuck. No, I- Don't cry! No, no, no. Hunk, listen-"

* * *

"If I'm honest...I understand. I think I'm in love with someone else." James said as he played with his uniform "Maybe it just wasn't meant to be."

"You're in love with someone else...?" Hunk gasped and sat down "Tell me! You don't have to give me a name if you don't want to!" He added hastily and James scoffed a little before taking a sip of his virgin Piña Colada Hunk had made and crossed his legs.

"Well...He's kind of moody...But he has really pretty eyes and is good at everything he does and," James groaned and tugged at his hair "He's so _annoying_."

Hunk nodded slowly.

"Huh...Is it Lance?"

"What?" James looked bewildered "Lance isn't moody." He frowned and Hunk laughed before taking another sip of his drink. Right. This guy clearly had never seen Lance without coffee.

* * *

"You know...I think I learned a lot from this experience." Hunk said as he took another bite from ice cream "Love is a complicated thing."

"Uh huh." Lance said, eyes glued to the movie "I'm glad we got it sorted out."

"I just need to break up with Skull Crusher now."

"You - wait. What?" Lance said and turned to him "With _Skull Crusher_? Hunk, you and him aren't dating. He's married with a daughter. Not to mention an adult." He said dryly and Hunk shook his head.

"I know...He must be in a bad place. Why else would we go bowling together?" He asked and Lance gaped at him.

"I...Hunk he's your business partner. You guys never actually go bowling. You go do crime stuff together...And get tattoos, I guess." He added, glancing at Hunk's shoulder before tugging the ice cream from him. Hunk frowned.

"Is crime stuff not dates?"

"You are _killing me_."

* * *

"....So that's what Lance means when he says I dated nine people at once." Hunk finished, wringing his hands nervously. "Not that there's anything _wrong_ with dating five people at once if everyone knows...It's just nobody knew and I didn't actually think of any of them like...That. Um, to clarify I do think that. About you, I mean." He added and rubbed the back of his neck "I'm not making sense."

"You're making sense," Shay told him with a grin and took a bite of the dinner Hunk had made for her "You know...Lance already told me this story."

Hunk stopped internally panicking to stare.

"He what?"

"Yeah, a few months ago. He said he didn't want me to get the wrong idea when he made those jokes." She said and beamed "I did enjoy hearing you tell it though. Nadia sounds _lovely_." She said and Hunk flushed. Part of him wanted to feel betrayed at the reveal, but the other half of him was too relieved that the mess was sorted out to care.

"Oh." Hunk said and nodded to himself. "Huh. So, uh, to clarify...Are we dating?" He asked and Shay hummed, tapping her chin thoughtfully as glowing eyes flicked him over.

"Nah. We're just doing crime stuff." She said and Hunk felt his lower lip poke out. Shay laughed and reached across the table to grab his hand " _Yes_ , we are dating. If you want to be." She added and Hunk grinned.

"Yeah!" He said "Sounds good to me. No complaints here. Very pleased." He said and Shay grinned at him before leaning back. "Thanks for understanding." He said and leaned in to kiss her when he heard a gasp of alarm. Freezing, he pulled away and looked around the room.

"...Talis." He called and the air shimmered to reveal his godchild awkwardly sitting in the empty seat at the table. "What are you doing here?"

"Um..." Talis said and shrugged "I came over to ask if you could teach me to make that lamb thing except you were telling a story and I wanted to hear the rest?" They told him and grinned "It was a _good_ story! And I _told_ Kaleb you would kiss Shay on your date tonight," They added excitedly "He owes me $10."

" _Talis_!" Hunk groaned "Go home!"

"But-"

"I'll call your parents." He tried and Talis wrinkled their nose "Pretty sure you're grounded and shouldn't be here anyways." He added and Talis glowered at the reminder.

"So you're just going to break my heart like everyone else's?" They pouted and Shay laughed as Hunk gasped in betrayal. "Fine, _fine_." Talis amended "I'll let you get back to your date and...Kissing." They said, making a face "Also, I didn't know you were a criminal. Papa was in on it too?" They added and Hunk froze. 

Lance was going to _kill him_.

"Uh...No."

"But in the story-"

"I'll teach you how to make the lamb sauce!" He yelled, raising a hand "Just...Forget everything you heard." He said and Talis beamed before skipping next to Shay and sitting back down.

"Deal!" They sang and turned to Shay "Uncle Adam says I'm the best spy in the family," They informed her with a nod "So you should remember that if you break Uncle Hunk's heart...I'll know."

"So I won't be able to get away with dating eight other people?" Shay asked and Talis grinned. Hunk sighed.

Clearly, he still had a lot to learn about love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gonna be honest and say I have not proof read this at all so if you noticed any obnoxious errors let me know lol


	22. Basically Frenemies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "So how long have you two been friends?" 
> 
> "Oh...We aren't friends." Keith began with a shake of his head "Definitely not."
> 
> "Essentially I had a crush on him growing up and bullied him as a way of dealing with it and then he got shot up in space and met his husband. Then he came back and the guy who ended up becoming my husband flirted with his future husband and Keith never really forgave him for it. He also helped get me my first date with my husband, but only because he and his husband slept in my guest room after Keith came over when they got into a fight. But now we kind of depend on each other to make sure we don't mess up our relationships along with our boss who...Oh, well the guy who ended up becoming his husband was our teacher and actually Keith's husband's mentor only we thought he was dead for awhile." He said and wrinkled his nose "Did I get that right?"
> 
> "I think so...But no, we aren't friends. He was in my wedding...But only out of spite."
> 
> "And he was in my wedding, but only to get back at him for putting me in his wedding."
> 
> Or
> 
> The story of James/Keith's friendship

James Griffin did not like Keith Kogane.

It was a known fact to most of the Garrison. Growing up James had...Well he had made that pretty clear. In retrospect, he might admit that...He hadn't handled his dislike of Kogane in the _best_ of ways. Still it was...Frustrating to say the least! The stupid, reckless punk went against basically everything James stood for. Everything he believed in. Order. Respect. Patience. Discipline. It was like none of that _mattered_ to him.

And yet Kogane had been chosen to be put in the same program simply because he was naturally good. Nevermind he didn't work for it. Nevermind that he barely even _tried_ for success.

And it wasn't like James had been unsuccessful. He had risen in the ranks and was talented (because, you know, hard work). He had been pretty proud of himself for landing a spot with the MFEs - even broaching a leadership position there.

....Then fucking Kogane showed up leading a team of space lions.

Fuck. His. Life.

Never had he been so enraged - so _something_ by someone. James could just...Ugh! Stupid. Freaking. Kogane.

It had gotten to the point where James was even dreaming about him now! Not even his sleep was safe. It was always the same dream too. They were arguing and Kogane would get closer as they shouted until they practically nose to nose and - oh. Oh no.

So like...Everybody had joked around that James secretly had a crush on Kogane. James had even...Considered the possibility when he was younger. But like. No...No, no, no. That was ridiculous. Hilarious, actually. They were incompatible. Two very different people...Who didn't like each other...At all.

But dear God, that dream...

"You look like a toad."

"What?" He asked, eyes snapping from where Kogane had walked away after their briefing to where Ina was biting into the carrots she had snuck in, looking at James with bored eyes as she loudly crunched away.

"You," She nodded at him "Look like a toad."

"I do not."

"When you talk to Kogane you do." She hummed and took an obnoxiously loud bite of her carrot. From beside her, Nadia looked up with a cheshire smile.

"I wonder why!" She sang and leaned forward "How hard is it to be so polite to him?" She asked, voice taunting "You're so _formal_. I suppose you are talking to the leader of Voltron... He is very important." She winked and James could feel himself flushing with anger and embarrassment.

"I...No! I mean- I just _respect_ him." He muttered "We're both adults now and quite frankly we should be able to speak to each other as such despite...The past." He said and Nadia laughed as Ina bit loudly into her carrot again.

"Yeah, but you still look like a toad when you talk to him." She said as Kinkade took a seat across from them.

"When he talks to who? Kogane?" He asked and James groaned. "I always thought he looked more like rat. Especially if he has to compliment him."

"All of you _suck-_ "

* * *

So James never had a problem with Lance.

Admittedly, there was that time James had ditched him after promising to meet up for some underage drinking but...Well. That reflected more on James than Lance. Lance was fine. He was a fine marksman and pretty smart if you paid close enough attention.

But also...James _hated_ him.

In a completely normal way obviously. It was just...After him and Kogane started dating things became...Difficult. _Not_ for any reason that Ina or Nadia might point out, but simply because it was a detriment to their work space. Obviously.

Kogane was so wrapped up in his boyfriend that he wasn't able to adequately perform his duties. It was ridiculous. Truly. James was surprised nobody else had noticed the sharp decrease in productivity. Kogane would give an order and then waste a solid two seconds to smile at his precious Lance instead of actually doing stuff. Those two seconds were vital in war. He could not be wasting it on gross heart eyes.

Quite frankly, he found the behavior appalling.

"So...Let me get this straight," Kinkade sighed as he cleaned his gun, glancing up at James "The reason you've been in such a bad mood is that Kogane was five minutes late to training because he was on a date with boyfriend?" He asked and James narrowed his eyes. He did not like the tone his friend was using.

"I'm just saying it isn't professional to be slacking off!" He snapped and Ryan closed his eyes.

"James...You realize Voltron doesn't have the same training sessions as us? I'm a little concerned that you somehow knew _when_ and  _where_ Voltron was training, knew when Keith arrived, and knew _why_ he was late." He said and James glowered.

"A good leader knows everything about what's going on his barracks and others." He pointed out and Ryan put down his gun to lace his fingers together.

"Have you considered the possibility...That you're jealous Keith is spending a lot of time with Lance?" He asked and James felt his mouth dropped. The _audacity_. The nerve - how? When have he ever even given the indication...? How dare he?!

"Jealous?" He spluttered and laughed " _Jealous_? Of who? Lance? Lance _McClain_? Why would I be jealous? If anything I feel bad for him. Terrible, really. He could do so much better than...Well. It would be rude of me to talk that way about another officer." He said, crossing his arms over his chest. Ryan sighed. "I don't know why I ask you these things, Kinkade." He muttered "I'm obviously not jealous."

* * *

So James was kind of jealous.

Honestly this was super embarrassing, but the damn dreams weren't going away and Kogane only seemed to be _getting more fucking attractive_ , which was...Inconsiderate. God. He hated his life. He truly hated it. And himself. And fucking Kogane.

He had reached the point where even he could hear the denial in his own voice...Which meant there was really only one person he could go to.

"I think I want to kiss your boyfriend."

Lance glanced up from the magazine he was flipping through and nodded.

"Me too. My boyfriend though. Not yours... Not that you have one." He said and went back to his magazine. James stared.

"Does...This not bother you?" He asked and Lance snorted, tossing the magazine to the side to look him over.

"Dude, I've known for like...Years. I knew _you_ liked him before I knew _I_ liked him." He said and grimaced "It seems you figured it out a little late...Don't worry. I sympathize with you greatly." He said and James let out a small breath of relief. Was it weird to go to your not-crush’s boyfriend for advice about your not-crush? Maybe. Did James care? No.

"Perfect. You can tell me how to handle it." He said and sat down. Lance stared.

"I...Cannot. I handled it by dating him. I would rather you not do that." He said and held up his hands "Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't complain if you dropped by for a threesome or something - I'm not like...That against sharing but-"

"You don't need to finish that." James cut him off and buried his face in his hands "What do I _do_? I keep having these dreams - it's awful." He said and Lance made a noise of sympathy.

"Been there, dude. The dreams are the worst."

"Should I...I don't know! In movies when there's unrequited love people usually just pine until someone else comes along or they get the person. I don't want to do that! I have things to do! I don't have time to pine!" He moaned and Lance clapped a hand on his shoulder.

"I have advice," He said solemnly and James straightened up "Now...I want to be clear that I'm going to be pretty annoyed if you try to be a homewrecker, okay? No boyfriend stealing." He told him and James nodded "Okay. So this is going to sound crazy but...Just try _talking_ to him. Like friends." He shrugged and let go. James felt his throat close up.

" _That's_ you advice? To be _friends_?" He demanded "No! That will make things worse! That is probably the advice you took!" He said, pointing accusingly at him. Lance rolled his eyes.

"That is the _opposite_ of the advice I took. The advice I was given was 'make him your rival' and so I did and look how that turned out." He said and shook his head "Look, Keith is great, but you've built him up in your head. You might have a crush on him, but that's only because you don't...Know him." He said and winced "I know that sounds bad, but you know what I mean."

"I don't."

"Right. Fair. Um...English doesn't have the right words for this," He muttered, running a hand through his hair "Okay. So when two good people don't like each other there can be sexual tension. That's just a thing" He shrugged "But that doesn't actually mean you would work together. You have to get to know each other as people to know that."

"And...You aren't worried that if I get to know him that I'll end up liking him?"

"I don't think you will," Lance mused "But I think you'll like being his friend."

Note: Do not go to Lance for advice. Ever.

* * *

Despite the fact Lance gave him the worst advice ever...James didn't really have anything else to go off of so...Yeah. Fuck it.

Here he was.

"What are you doing up?" Keith asked him, brow raising as he poured himself a glass of orange juice "Our meeting isn't for another three hours."

"I, uh...Was wondering if you wanted to train together?" He asked, noting the other boy dressed in sweats and a t-shit with a duffel tossed by his feet. "Um...I usually train in the mornings and none of my teammates want to join me because I've been told I can be...Intense." He shrugged. Keith blinked, brows almost disappearing into his hairline at the offer. James felt the shame rising up in him, his previous resolve crumbling as Keith took a sip of the juice.

"Yeah...My teammates say the same thing." He mused and James almost choked on air "I was going to the third floor room...?" He told him, ducking down to grab his bag. James nodded wordlessly, reaching down to grab his backpack and sling it over his shoulder.

They didn't...Talk. Which was strangely fine. James found it was kind of nice just to train in silence while occasionally telling Keith his form was off. Keith would let his eyes flash in annoyance before snapping back that James' feint was sloppy and to tighten it before getting his arm chopped up.

It was a solid week before James even tried to start a conversation.

“So…what was space like?” He asked as they were packing up. Keith glanced at him before stuffing his bayard back in his bag.

“Um. Big, I guess.”

“….really? Big? That’s all you got, Kogane?”

“I was fighting a war, you dick.” He shot back, eyes flashing yellow briefly, reminding James that...Yeah. Galra. It was weird...Learning the person you grew up with was half-alien, but with Keith he honestly didn't find it too much of a surprise. After a final glare, Keith left the room, steaming and honestly...James was just as annoyed.

Talking was neither of their strong suits he supposed...

* * *

Things got worse.

James was _trying_ \- he even was going to Lance daily and following every God awful piece of advice he was given.

"I don't know, James. He's been kind of moody lately." The boy groaned after James stormed over. Keith had just been...Impossible. For that one week of training they seemed to be _kind of_ getting along and now the guy was suddenly the antagonist. Which. What the Hell? Keith had always ignored him for the most part.

"We'll be splitting up in three teams for this mission," Keith was saying a few hours later "Lance, Hunk and I will be taking the west wing while Pidge, Shiro, and Kinkade will take the east. That leaves Ina, Nadia, and James to watch over the base." He rattled off. Hm. He called him James. There was that at least.

"Aye aye, captain." Lance said and put on his helmet before skipping over to Hunk "Ready, buddy?"

"Why do you always pair me up with the giants?" Pidge groaned, glaring at Shiro and Ryan "What on Earth did they feed you two growing up? Where can I get some?" She asked, stomping over "It's ridiculous. You two are _ridiculous_."

"I feel like I'm in the most danger with Ina and Nadia," James sighed dramatically and Nadia stuck her tongue at him while Ina started rattling off statistics of the actual probability to them killing him. Keith's eyes landed on him.

"Try to stay focused on the mission," He said coolly "I've notice you've been having issues with that lately."

...What?

Jesus. What was _that_ supposed to mean? Did Lance say something? He looked around to see what the other reactions to the backhanded comment were, but nobody else had been paying attention. Figures.

* * *

Keith could be like...Super mean.

This wasn't really a surprise, but James had never been at end of this particular kind of anger from Keith before. Usually they just...Punched it out. Now instead of fighting, Keith was throwing more and more veiled insults and passive aggressive comments. All of James attempts at forming some sort of peaceful bond were quickly deflected and tossed aside.

"You're sabotaging me. God I'm such an _idiot_!" He hissed at Lance who was scowling at him with his arms crossed "What is  _wrong with you_?"

"I told you - at least nine times now - that I don't _know_ what's going on with him. I don't have anything to do with it though." He gritted out, blue eyes narrowing as James scoffed "Do you honestly think I'm spending my time just fucking with you?" He demanded.

"I don't know. You seem immature enough." He shot back and Lance threw his hands up in the air.

"Me? _Me_?" He demanded "You know what? Forget it. Deal with this yourself." He growled and spun out of the room fuming. James rolled his eyes, throwing himself into the nearest chair to glower at the wall. Stupid Lance... Stupid Keith....God, Voltron was the worst.

* * *

"What is your _problem_?"

Oh boy. James turned to find Keith in the entrance to his room, fists curled by his sides in the way he always did when he was younger. It was usually a sign that James was about to get punched.

"Excuse me?"

"I don't know what you did to piss Lance off, but I have honestly lost my patience with you." He growled, stepping further into the room "You spend all your time seeking him out and...Flirting with him or whatever and then you're going make him mad?" He demanded "What? Did he tell you he's not interested or something? Big surprise, I'm sure." He drawled out sarcastically.

Oh.

Well...James should have considered what his advice sessions with Lance would have looked like to Keith. This one might have been his bad.

Still. Keith was a moron too. That should be noted.

"I wasn't flirting with Lance," He said, cutting Keith off his rant "I don't...Like him like that." He said and Keith scowled at him doubtfully. "I don't! I just...God. Okay. I needed his help because I think...Okay, I _know_ that I like you and I wasn't sure how to deal with it." He said, feeling his face heat up. Eyes on the ceiling. Just...Keep...Your eyes on the ceiling.

Silence.

"Me?" Keith repeated, unimpressed "I don't think so. Maybe you just think you like me because you’re jealous of my success or something.” He said and James tore his eyes from the ceiling to stare at him. "You seem like the type to get jealous of that." He shrugged.

“I… Why are you so rude?”

Maybe Lance was right. Keith as a person did not appeal to James in the least right now.

"How am I being rude? I'm just _saying_ you might not actually like me."

"I definitely don't _want_ to like you. You're an ass." James shot back "But I'm pretty sure that's the case so suck it up."

"Well I don't like you."

"I _know_ that, Keith." James groaned "That's why I'm trying to not like you anymore." He said with exasperation. Keith stared. James stared back.

"Should I hit you or something?" He asked and James shook his head.

"I'm pretty sure that might make it worse..." He grumbled and at Keith's face, gaped "Not like _that_. Jesus. You're disgusting."

"Well that way did you mean it, moron? That's weird."

"Oh my...Why. Are. You. Like. This?" He shouted "You are the bane of my existence."

"No!" Keith pointed at him "I'm the bane of Lance's existence....And occasionally, the bane of enemies' of Voltron."

"You have got to be kidding me...How did you not kill everyone out there? You are not qualified to lead anyone. I can't believe this. I can't believe you."

"You're the one who likes me! If anything, I shouldn't be qualified for _that_. My self-esteem isn't low enough."

"Ohhhh...You know what? I just-"

* * *

In case anyone was curious...The argument went on for a solid three hours. James wasn't even for sure what he was saying after the first twenty minutes. Eventually the both ended up sitting on the floor on opposite ends of the room, steaming silently. The awkwardness was finally settling in.

...This was not adult-like behavior. James was an idiot. He glanced over to where Keith was staring at the wall and wondered if he was thinking the same thing.

"Look," He sighed and Keith twitched when he spoke "I'm sorry...About everything, but also how I treated you when we were growing up. I was kind of an ass. You still turned out pretty awesome despite...Everything." He got out and Keith warily looked over at him. For a second, James thought he might get up and leave, but the boy only played with a thread on his uniform.

"Thanks..." He finally got out "You...Well, you're still an ass, but you're a good pilot." He told him and then wrinkled his nose "And you've done a good job leading the MFEs." He said and paused "That felt weird."

"I know...Truce?" James asked and Keith tilted his head.

"Truce." He agreed.

* * *

The truce was a solid system. They were very civil with one another for three months. However, considering their ranks and positions they were still often working together for various projects. It wasn’t....as horrible as it had once been. Sometimes they even took their work outside the Garrison to the pizza shop a few miles outside of town. 

“Hi, I’m Nathan what can I - Keith! Hi!” The server greeted “I’m not delivering today.” 

“I can see that,” Keith noted dryly as he looked up from his paperwork “How are you?”

”Pretty okay...how’s Lance?” He asked with a flirty smirk and Keith stared. “Just kidding, jeez.” The boy pouted before turning to James “I’m afraid I don’t know your name...?” 

“I’m James Griffin.” He smiled and why did this guy look like the definition of beauty? What was this? Who did he think he was? “Um...how do you know Keith?” He asked warily.

”Oh I delivered pizza to him once and tried to flirt with Lance. In fairness, I don’t think him and Keith were dating yet. Also, my brother complains about Voltron all the time to the point where I consider them family.” Nathan said brightly. James felt himself nodded without really processing anything.

“You are not.” Keith informed him, signing his name on a form. 

“Adam said I was.”

”Fucking Adam.” Keith grimaced and gave their orders before shooing him away. James stared after him. Huh. 

“Why does he look like that?” He asked and Keith glanced over at him.

”Like...what?”

”You know, all...just. Happy and...gross.” He said. Honestly. Who had that many freckles? It was a ridiculous amount of freckles...And...Was he unable to afford a respectable haircut? He had a _man bun_. That should be illegal. Not to mention _green_ eyes. That was just excessive. Green was not a viable color in his opinion (don't tell Pidge). It was just...Ugh. Terrible. Keith hummed. 

“I didn’t notice...personally, I’m still trying to figure out why Lance looks happy and gross.” He said and a hint of a smile touched his lips. James rose an eyebrow, but he only shook his head and went back to paperwork. Nathan waved beamed at him from behind the cash register. James was ninety percent certain the freaking Gemini (yes, James was already sure he was a Gemini) poisoned his drink.

Keith needed to stop fucking smirking.

* * *

"So...Are you guys like friends or something now?" Pidge asked, squinting as James tried to point out valiantly a key fact Keith was missing in life...That swords were useless.

"What? No. He's clearly a moron," Keith informed her "How are you going to tell me swords aren't relevant? They kill people."

"People in medieval times used swords!" James said "We have advanced weapons. Guns. Blasters. Canons. Tasers. Swords are outdated and you know it." He reasoned and Keith took a long breath.

"They are not outdated if you still die when I stab you." He pointed out "I used a sword during the war and nobody complained!"

"Probably because you couldn't change it to something useful and they felt bad for you." James reasoned, picking at his nails to annoy Keith even more. Sure enough, the other boy turned pink a few seconds later.

" _Guns are useless_!" Keith growled and Lance cleared his throat from where he was readjusting some of the plans "...Sometimes. Depending on how talented the person is with the gun." Keith said and James made a face.

"Whipped."

"Fuck off," Keith muttered and pushed him "We have work to do."

"So...I'm getting a distinct friend vibe." Pidge drawled and James shook his head "Wow."

* * *

“This is rare,” James noted as he sat down “You’re ordering pizza? Here?” He asked, looking around the conference room. 

“I have a kind soul.”

"Lies.”

"Fine. I won’t order pizza again.” He sniffed and James rolled his eyes. The poor delivery person was going to have to get through at least six levels of security. Keith was being anything but kind. 

Except maybe he kind of was because thirty minutes later Nathan walked through the door. 

“I don’t mean to be demanding, but I’m expecting a 30% tip for that trip.” He announced dryly and quite frankly James was astounded at the nerve of someone to look good in a pizza outfit. Horrible. 

“James can cover it and walk you out.” Keith said dismissively. Fuck that guy.

"I hit on your boyfriend once and now you won’t even give me a tip? Cold, dude. Just cold. Are you nicer than him?” Nathan asked, turning his gaze to James.

"Um...general consensus says I’m worse.” He admitted and pulled out his wallet “But I do tip well so maybe that makes up for it.”

"I don’t mean to be too forward, but rumor has it those that tip automatically go to Heaven.” Nathan informed him and paused “I’m not sure that applies to you though.” He mused, setting down the boxes. James frowned.

"Why not?”

"Well obviously Heaven is where you came from...why would I want to send you back?” He asked sweetly. Keith clicked his pen.

”There it is.” He muttered without looking up from his notes.

Fucking son of a bitch. 

* * *

"I know what you're doing," James whispered as he reloaded his gun. Part of him wanted to aim it at Keith, but he knew Lance would snipe him before he could even pull the trigger...Not to mention Shiro's arm would zoom across the fucking range to punch him. "Stop it."

"Your aim is off," Keith frowned at him as he missed the target "It's almost as if you're distracted...So strange." He mused and James wanted to scream.

"Shut it, Kogane.” He hissed back and Keith grinned at him, leaning back on his elbows as James missed another shot. From the doorway of the room, Nathan awkwardly stood with more pizza boxes, watching James with curious eyes.

“I lived with Shiro and Adam for years, Griffin. I know gross heart eyes when I see them.” Keith informed him smugly. James paused in his God awful shooting to level a cool glare at the other boy, bringing out his secret wild card he had been hiding for the past few months.

“Romelle tells me about embarrassing shit you do around Lance. Don’t test me.” He warned and Keith blanched.

“….Nevermind.”

"Thought so." James grumbled and reloaded his gun "I don't remember you being so much like Adam..." He added just to rub salt in the wound. As predicted, Keith stiffened, sitting up in alarm. 

"I am _not_ like Adam!" He snapped and James grinned before hitting a perfect bullseye.

* * *

“He’s so obnoxious!” Pidge said, pointing to where James was sitting, unbothered by the outburst. The paladin looked livid - possibly because of James' merciless teasing five minutes ago. He couldn't help it. She was just so _small_ next to Kinkade. It was ridiculous.

“Yeah, but be nice to him.” Keith murmured, only half paying attention as he put some thumbtacks on the board on their defenses. James felt his grin widened as Pidge's gasp.

“He’s not nice to us!” She choked out and glanced over to where James stuck his tongue at her.

“I’m team leader, Pidge. Be nice.”

“You are the meanest person I know, what is this nonsense?” She demanded "I don't remember signing onto a dictatorship. I demand a vote!" She said and turned to where Lance, Hunk, and Allura were in the midst of an intense three-way thumb war "Who thinks James is mean?" She asked them and Allura rose her leg in the air to avoid letting go of Hunk or Lance's hand.

"Hey... You two. Hunk. Lance. Do you two think James is mean?"

"I agree with Keith," Lance said absently as he tried to pin down Allura's thumb "Damnit Hunk!" He whined.

"Ugh," Pidge said and paused "I can't believe Keith won your rivalry by dating you..." She shook her head "So sad..."

Lance paused, losing both thumb wars at once.

"You know what? Fuck James."

"Hey!"

* * *

So. There was a wet Keith sitting on his doorstep.

"Do I...Want to know?" He asked, looking at how pitiful the other boy looked, soaked from the rain and shivering slightly. Dark eyes flicked to him with a glower.

"Lance and I are in a fight...Can I stay here?" He asked, voice practically a mumble. James leaned in, a little uncertain if he heard him correctly.

"I...Okay, I guess. Why me?" He frowned, stepping to the side so that Keith could trod inside, a trail of puddles following him. Keith rolled his eyes.

“Because everyone else is going to try and give me advice on how to fix things and I just want to be angry right now.” He said, kicking the ground. James watched him for a few minutes. Part of him wanted to know what happened...The other part of him figured asking would defeat the purpose of him coming here.

“Fair enough," He finally said "I’m going to make some dinner - can you be angry in the other room?”

“Fuck you.” Keith spat and looked around "Uh...Do you have a guest room or something?" He asked with a little less anger. Rolling his eyes, James pointed him in the right direction before heading towards his kitchen to finish cooking his dinner. He paused, wondering if he was supposed to make something for Keith too...And Lance. He had no doubt that the boy would eventually end up on his doorstep as well. Sighing, he threw in extra servings.

Just as he was ready to pull everything out of the oven again there was another knock.

"Is Keith here?" Lance asked as a form of greeting. James paused.

"Um...Keith? Here?" He asked, a little uncertain if the other boy wanted his location to be revealed yet. "Keith Kogane?"

"That would be the one," Lance told him and a crack of thunder rolled outside. "I was hoping to talk to him..." He said, looking over his shoulder. James shrugged and stepped to the side. At the very least he shouldn't leave him outside.

"I don't know where he is...But you're welcomed to stay in my guest bedroom for now." He said, pointing him in the same direction he had pointed Keith. Lance rose an eyebrow and he nodded. Sighing, he went back to the kitchen just in time to hear a very loud ' _damnit James_ ' from Keith when the door opened.

Honestly, he should have thought this through more. He had silently eat his food while hearing the bickering and apologizing and - wait. Did the door just _close_?

"You better not be having makeup sex in my house!" He yelled and there was a click of the lock. " _Really_?!"

* * *

"Don't fuck this up for me."

"You're more likely to fuck it up for yourself," Keith informed him as he hopped on the empty bar stool "And I'm doing this as a _favor_ so-"

"You're doing this as an apology for tainting my guest bedroom." James said "Don't act all high and mighty, you ass." He grumbled and ran a hand over his face "Just...Say something nice about me, will you?" He asked and Keith rose an eyebrow at him "You...Can think of something nice to say, right?" He asked and Keith looked at him for a few more minutes "You can't think of _anything_?" He demanded "At all? What the Hell? You-"

"Look who it is!" A voice called "I've never seen you in my bar before."

"Hi Nathan," James smiled weakly and Keith gave a nod in greeting "I didn't know you worked here."

"Oh yeah. Pizza by day...And sometimes night. Bar by night and, uh, weekends generally." Nathan shrugged, picking up to glasses to wipe them clean. Before he could speak, Keith had sat up straight, looking uncertainly between James and Nathan.

"Uh...He's killed people before." He said and James gaped at him. Nathan blinked. "In the war."

"Oh...That must have been hard." Nathan said slowly and someone on the other side of the bar yelled his name "One second, I'll be right back!" He told them and put the glasses down to attend to the other person. James hit Keith's arm.

"What the Hell was that?!"

"I don't know! I thought it might have sounded impressive..."

"That I'm a _murderer_?!" He asked, voice rising a few octaves "You are the worst wingman ever!"

"Hey!" Keith pointed at him "I'm a good wingman! Do you honestly think I eat that much pizza? I've been ordering it for the past _month_ waiting for you to do something." He snapped at him and groaned when he saw Nathan coming back "God, what do I say?"

"Something _nice_. Why is that so hard for you?"

"Well I don't want to lie..."

"God, I hate you." James muttered and weakly smiled when Nathan approached them again. Before he could say anything, Keith hit the bar in triumph.

"James knows how to sew!"

Jesus Christ.

He should have asked anyone - literally _anyone else_ for help. Ina could have at least told Nathan his above average performance scores. Nathan's lips twitched before he nodded stoically.

"A fine quality in a man." He said and James could feel the humiliation rolling over. _Let him die._ "You seem a little stressed," Nathan noted and James warily nodded "You...Are kind of wound up tight, aren't you?" He mused and James could only laugh.

"Yeah...A little." He admitted "It is a common complaint."

"In that case, maybe I can get you a drink...?" Nathan asked, giving a wink. Wait. This was a good. This was going well. This was - oh.

"Um...I...Actually don't drink?" He winced and Nathan snorted.

"And you came to a bar?" He asked and James flushed again.

"I...Heard the bartender was cute?" He tried. Keith snorted. Ass.

Nathan looked him over, amusement hinting at his features before sliding him a glass of water.

"Well...Do you drink coffee? There's a shop I go to every morning. Around eight. If, you know, you're interested." He told him with a nonchalant shrug before giving one more grin and turning away. James felt his soul left his body.

"I'm taking credit for that." Keith informed him.

"I don't even know to sew."

* * *

The thing about dating Nathan was that...He was perfect. Which was terrible. Truly, an awful predicament. That meant if James fucked up then he risked losing the _perfect boyfriend_ and God, he could not deal with that.

Luckily, he knew some other people who were in the same boat.

“Okay, so when he says ‘just go then’ after an argument… should I actually go?” James asked. The conference room was generally reserved for military meetings, but considering Shiro, Keith, and James were all high-ranking officers...Nobody questioned it when they used it for more informal (but just as urgent) reasons.

“Now, here’s the thing," Shiro said as he shook his head "No. You only leave when they start screaming and pointing at the door. If they are just normal angry then try to reason with them.” Right. Okay. Good advice. Sound advice. Shiro always was wise.

“Hm…I don’t know about that, Shiro." Keith said from his side of the table "Lance seems pretty serious the first time he asks me to leave.”

“Which one of us is married?”

“Alright, fine. But if his relationship fails then that’s on you." He said "Anyways. Back to my problem. Lance's birthday is in three weeks and I still have no ideas. Go."

"Clothes?" James suggested "A trip? Maybe smile in a photo?"

"Have you tried dressing in another color outside of red or black? That would be a gift for all of us." Shiro informed him and Keith threw up his hands.

"What is the point of having secret meetings about our boyfriends if we don't get anything done?" He demanded and Shiro cleared his throat "I _know_ you're married. Shut up about it." He added. "I - oh. Fuck. _Fuck_." He whispered when his phone beeped "I forgot Lance’s niece’s play was today and he’s gonna kill me if I don’t bring her flowers...I only have an hour!" He groaned.

"Don't freak out. We got this." Shiro said, raising his hand in a placating manner "James, go to the store and grab some flowers to drop off at Keith's car. I can use my prosthetic to hack in during the performance and leave it on the front seat so you can just say you left them there and run out to grab them." He reasoned and James nodded, already googling the nearest flower ship and asking what colors Lance's niece preferred. "Also... If Adam asks about the hole in the ceiling to blame it on Pidge.”

"What did you-"

" _Blame it on Pidge_."

* * *

"You want me...To be one of your groomsman...At your wedding?"

"No, not really...But Lance said I had to invite you and I figured you have the least chance of ruining my wedding if you're in it so...." Keith shrugged and James hummed in agreement. He supposed that rationale made sense. If anything, he should be honored. People had been talking about the exclusivity of Lance and Keith's (or as the media called it 'Laith') wedding. He leaned back, considering.

"Can I bring Nathan?" He asked and Keith wrinkled his nose in distaste.

"Um...Plus ones aren't really on the table..."

"I'm not going unless I bring Nathan."

"Fine. Whatever. Just don't be gross." Please. James wasn't a fan of PDA. It was unprofessional and ruined his branded image. Nathan only got away with it because he always would smile before doing it and James was caught off-guard every time.

"Deal...Where is this wedding anyways?" He asked and when Keith smiled, froze "What did you do?"

"So...Listen. We were thinking something...Underwater, uh, oriented-"

"Don't."

* * *

"I can't believe you cried during the ceremony." Nathan laughed and James pouted as he adamantly shook his head.

"I didn't _cry,_ " He muttered "A bug flew in my eye."

"We're underwater," Nathan pointed out and when James began spluttering, shook his head "Alright, fine. You didn't cry." He mused with a shake of his head "Although it would be totally understandable if you _did_..." He poked and James shook his head "Honestly. You're ridiculous." Nathan said and kissed him. James figured he was fine with being ridiculous.

"HEY CRYBABY!" Nadia yelled "I SAW YOU TEARING UP DURING THE CEREMONY!"

"IT WAS A BUG!"

"There's exactly a 0.00012 percent chance that an insect made it's way down here," Ina said as she walked by, tapping at the glass walls they were encased in "It's actually more likely that this structure will break and leave us all to be crushed by ocean while simultaneously drowning." She said and when everyone stared at her, shrugged "There's also a thirty-seven percent chance that the cake is poisoned." She added. James opened his mouth, but then nodded. The cake was truly horrendous.

"We're missing the point. James cried at Keith and Lance getting married." Nadia said, snapping her fingers. "Nathan, how do you feel about your boyfriend being a _wuss?_ "

"I like that he has emotions!" Nathan beamed and James frowned at him "And, uh...He's super...Not a wuss?" He said. James groaned. "Definitely very macho!"

"You're lucky I love you." He muttered and immediately froze. "Uh...I, um..." He said, turning to Nathan with wide eyes. Nathan had paused in refilling his drink, looking torn between gasping and squealing. He supposed that wasn't a terrible reaction.

"You love me, huh?" He asked and slid over to interlock their pinkies "Nice of you to catch up."

"Oh my _God_ , Nathan." James said and covered his face with his a hand "You got to stop doing this to me."

"What happened?" Keith asked, roaming over and Nadia lifted her glass in greeting.

"James cried at your wedding and now he's just confessed his love to Nathan." She said with a wink at the pair. James glared at her. Keith seemed to mull over the words for a few moments before nodding.

"See? I am a good wingman."

"What the Hell did you have to do with it?"

"It's my wedding so...." He shrugged "You're welcome."

"Shut up."

* * *

"...I just don't want to be too cliché, you know?" James said nervously. Keith hummed, stirring his coffee thoughtfully. The poor guy looked exhausted. He figured it was probably due to Kaleb. The boy seemed far too eager to help James - clearly the lack of sleep was getting to him. "Any ideas?"

"I literally have a whole list of leftover proposal ideas back home. Wait - let me call Lance and see if he can find them." He said, digging out his phone. James grimaced. He (and the rest of the universe) had all watched Keith and Lance's proposal war with askance. With those two it always seemed like a fine line between romance and crime. "Hey, I'm with James and he needs proposal ideas and....What? Uh...Sure, okay." He frowned and pulled the phone away from his ear and put his husband on speaker.

"Hi James!" Lance called and James leaned on the counter.

"Hey, Lance. This goes without saying but...Keep the proposal thing on the down low." He said and Lance hummed.

"Of course...I just wanted to tell you not to go to Keith for advice." He said and Keith choked on his coffee, spluttering incoherently at the phone "No offense, babe...But you did propose to me in a Waffle House parking lot at four in the morning." He said bluntly and Keith glared.

"You gave me no choice!"

"Uh huh....Anyways, my advice is to just-"

"Wait a minute. He came to _me_ for advice. You're not involved. Aren't you supposed to be taking care of our child?" He added with a huff.

"If you didn't want me to be involved you shouldn't have called me," Lance sassed right back "And Kaleb's asleep. I'm making sure he's well rested for when it's your turn to take care of him..." Lance grumbled "Also, I know you stole my gummy bears you stupid bitch."

"What part of ' _what's mine is yours'_ do you not understand?!"

"Maybe I'm not actually ready for marriage..." James said slowly as his eyes flicked from the phone to Keith back to the phone. Both immediately made noises of disapproval.

"What are you talking about? Of course you are!"

"Marriage is great!"

"Really, if you're with the right person it's the best step you can take."

"Why are you second guessing yourself?"

"Um..." James bit his lip "No idea...No idea at all..."

Well. He supposed Nathan was much sweeter and kinder and more patience then Keith or Lance could ever hope to be...And prettier and smarter and funnier and-

"You realize you're saying this out loud, right?" Keith asked, unimpressed. Oh. Right.

* * *

Kaleb was pretty freaking cute.

At two years old, he was starting to talk too...So you never knew what was going to come out of his mouth. James knew Adam had gotten revenge for Keith being Thea's first word and made sure his name was Kaleb's. After that? There was no predictability.

"Hey, cadet." He greeted when Kaleb waddled over to him, arms stretched out with a certain expectancy to be picked up immediately. James obliged, lifting the toddler into the air. "Honestly, how did Keith and Lance create something as sweet as you?" He cooed, poking the tip of his nose. Kaleb giggled, waving to Nathan over James shoulder.

"Hi Kaleb!" Nathan grinned and Kaleb leaned over to let him know he wanted Nathan to hold him.

"Traitor." James frowned and handed him over. Keith and Lance watched warily from the couch, both almost half-asleep as a tangled ball of limbs "I can't believe you guys saved the universe to be taken down by a baby." He informed them and Keith flipped him off. "Truly, tragic."

"He inherited Lance's ability to talk a lot and scream very loudly." Keith muttered

"Whatever. He also inherited _your_ ability to...to..."

"Hm?" Keith replied mockingly and Lance scowled before yawning.

"To be annoying."

"Don't call your son annoying!" Nathan frowned at them and both Keith and Lance shook their head.

"Nah. He can definitely be annoying. Like we love him so much...But God help us if we ever put him down for more than five seconds."

"Exactly. He's pretty much perfect...But like, he can be so annoying."

" _Guys_ ," Nathan spluttered and covered Kaleb's ears "Oh my God."

"Jay!" Kaleb announced and held his arms out again "Unca Jay!"

A pause.

"Um..." James said as Kaleb's lowered lip trembled at not automatically be placed into James' arms. "Did he just say...?"

"DID KALEB CALL JAMES 'UNCLE JAY'?!" Adam yelled from the other room "PRETTY SURE I JUST HEARD THAT!"

"YOU HEARD WRONG!" Keith shouted back and Lance shushed him while attempting to kick his face. "Kaleb, what the Hell? Who taught you that? Why would you be this way?"

"Aw, he called James an uncle?!" Shiro said from the hallway and Keith groaned.

"Go _away_. No he didn't!"

"Hunk is going to love this! Hey Hunk-"

" _No_ \- He didn't - He's just a baby! He doesn't know what he's saying!" Keith wailed "Stop it. I'm tired. Go away. Stop."

Nathan laughed, handing Kaleb off to James. The boy grinned at him, clapping excitedly and immediately attempting to yank at James' hair.

"I didn't teach him that." Keith grumbled and Lance smirked, giving James a sly wink before throwing an arm over his eyes to continue his nap. James sighed and let himself be used a toddler's playground.

* * *

"So how long have you two been friends?" The waitress asked and James blinked before turning to look at Keith.

"Oh...We aren't friends." He began with a shake of his head "Definitely not."

"Yeah, we don't...It's kind of complicated."

"Essentially I had a crush on him growing up and bullied him as a way of dealing with it and then he got shot up in space and met his husband. Then he came back and the guy who ended up becoming _my_ husband flirted with _his_ future husband and Keith never really forgave him for it. He also helped get me my first date with my husband, but only because he and his husband slept in my guest room after Keith came over when they got into a fight. But now we kind of depend on each other to make sure we don't mess up our relationships along with our boss who...Oh, well the guy who ended up becoming his husband was our teacher and actually Keith's husband's mentor only we thought he was dead for awhile." He said and wrinkled his nose "Did I get that right?"

"I think so...But no, we aren't friends. He was in my wedding...But only out of spite."

"And he was in my wedding, but only to get back at him for putting me in his wedding."

"Yeah and my kid always draws him in our family portraits and... Wait. Are we _friends_?" Keith paused, looking at James in horror. James stared.

"I...No. No! Of course not! How could we be...? It's not like we spend time together outside of work."

"Good point." Keith nodded, pointing a straw at him. The waitress looked between the two.

"What are you doing here together then?" She asked, gesturing to the restaurant. James shrugged.

"Oh, we just thought we would stop to get a bite after work and - _God damnit_. We're friends."

"Oh God...I owe Lance like fifty bucks." Keith groaned "We can't tell _anyone_ about this." He added and James nodded vehemently.

"I mean, it's not like anyone could figure it out," He frowned and the waitress rose an eyebrow. James turned to her "And _you_ can't tell anyone!" He added and squinted to try and read her name tag "Got that uh...Hale?"

"That would be my last name."

"Why is your last name on your name tag?" James objected "Also, that's my husband's last name." He informed her and the girl stared.

"You...We've met, James. You're my brother-in-law." She pointed out and James stared, nodding slowly before folding his hands together.

"I...Am so sorry. It's just...There's _so many_ of you and-"

"I'm the _only girl_!" The waitress objected and James held up a finger.

"There's also your mom." He pointed out and the girl took a long breath.

"I - can I take your order?" She shook her head "And I'm going to assume these checks are separate." She added. James and Keith looked at one another.

"...you paid last time. I got it." Keith said quietly "Damnit. How did we miss the signs?"

"Can I _please_ take your order?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pretty sure im going to get gasps of betrayal at making Klance's ship name Laith in this universe...I found it funny lol. I'm sorry.


	23. Basically Movie Stars (Volume I)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "So..." Shiro said, his face popping on screen "It is three in the morning and we have the heroes of the universe here. Let's do a quick roll call - we have Lance and Keith over there filling up water balloons," He said pointing the camera where the paladins were piling at least a hundred balloons into a cooler before giving the camera a quick wave "Then there's Allura and Romelle who are filling up the special balloons with orange juice - we'll explain that later," He added, zooming in on Romelle and Allura trying with varying success to poor orange juice in the water balloons. "And Adam and I are on watch." Shiro finished and Adam shot the camera some finger guns before putting a finger to his lips and pointing inside.
> 
> "There's our victims..." Adam whispered "All four of them. Sleeping peaceful." He shook his head and the camera zoomed in on where the kids were asleep in the living room. 
> 
> Or
> 
> A collection of embarrassing videos.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also to avoid confusion: This is the first time I'm introducing Bandora. Her name appears in the intro and you'll have no idea who she is until later in the chapter. I promise you didn't miss anything lol. She also should be the last of the Voltron kids. I don't plan on there being anymore so you won't get anymore surprises on that front (:
> 
> Enjoy!

_To Kaleb, Talis, and Thea (you too Bandora - but you're not really in this one too much)  
_

_Over the years we've collected some videos to play at your weddings, graduations, or really any event that is big enough to invite lots of people to watch you get horrifically embarrassed. We also hold the rights to post this online if you make us mad enough..._

_Lots of love,_

_your family_

* * *

"Hey, Thea. What are you doing?" Hunk's voice asked as the camera pointed itself at where Thea was staring out the window, hands propping up her chin as she hummed to herself. She didn't look towards Hunk as he answered the question, still staring dreamily out the window.

"Thinking about how cute I am."

"I...You are pretty cute..." Hunk chuckled "Do you think about that a lot?"

"Yeah..."

"Why?"

"Because I'm living my best life."

"...Okay. Do you know what that means?"

"No...But Uncle Lance says it a lot when he gets in trouble," She said "It doesn't work when I tell daddy or papi that though." She sighed and Hunk made a sympathetic noise.

"So, uh, that's how your daughter is doing." Hunk whispered, pointing the camera at where Thea was still daydreaming "Staring out the window. Thinking about how cute she is. Living her best life...Truly taking after you guys." He snorted "Hope you're enjoying your vacation. All is good here."

* * *

"Kaleb! Say hi to your dads!" Pidge called and the two-year-old paused in using a wrench to beat the box Pidge had put in front of him to wave at the camera.

"Hi! Miss you!" He yelled "I'm building a spaceshit!"

"A...What?"

"A spaceshit!"

"Do you mean space _ship_?" Pidge repeating, putting extra emphasis on the 'p' sound at the end of the word. Kaleb stared at her, obvious confusion dancing over his face as he warily looked down at his wrench and then back to Pidge.

"Yeah! Spaceshit!" Kaleb said and Pidge's laughter went on for a solid minute before she responded.

"No, Kaleb, sweetheart. Spaceship. With a p."

"Spaceshit?"

"Okay, say ship."

"Ship!"

"Awesome! Now, say spaceship."

"Spaceshit!"

" _Kaleb_."

* * *

"Thea, can you tell me what color that is?" Shiro's voice asked as he pointed the camera from Thea to the wall in front her. Thea stopped her mission of putting her toys away to look at her dad and then at the wall.

"Green!" She grinned and Shiro made a noise of approval before pointing to the toy she was holding in her hand.

"And that?"

"Green!"

"And this?" Shiro asked, holding up a picture of Adam and pointing to the grass he was standing on. Thea walked over, dropping her toys, to look at the picture critically. She stared at where Shiro's finger was pointing before nodding to herself very slowly.

"Green!"

"Okay, now what color are frogs?"

"Magenta!" Thea informed him and went back to picking up her toys. Shiro groaned.

"Why do you think this? Why are frogs magenta?" He asked her warily and Thea sighed, shaking her head in exasperation at her father as she attempted to resume her task of cleaning up.

"Everyone knows this, daddy."

"Is that so?"

"We need to work on your colors." Thea said and Shiro spluttered before turning the camera around so his face visible.

"Adam, we need to work on my colors when you get back home." He said stoically "I don't know that frogs are magenta."

* * *

"...Hi papa."

"Hi Kaleb."

"How are you?"

"I'm good...How are you?"

"I'm hanging out," Kaleb grinned from where he was hanging off the tree. Lance scoffed. "Can you help me down?"

"I can't believe I love you so much." Lance said, putting his phone down to help Kaleb down.

* * *

"Hey...Thea. What are you doing?" Adam asked and the blurriness of the camera sharpened to reveal Thea sitting in the middle of the living room floor surrounded by various markers, crayons, and colored pencils. She looked up from where she had been concentrating on scribbling something to where her dad was standing with the camera.

"Coloring! Want to color?" She asked and Adam sat down next to her.

"What are you coloring, baby?"

"A bird!" She said and held it up "And look, there's you and daddy!" She said, pointing to to the top of the bird "You guys are riding the bird!"

"Where are we going?" Adam asked, zooming the camera from Thea's drawing back to his daughter's grinning face.

"Hell!"

"I - excuse me?!" Adam spluttered and Thea blinked at him. "Why are we going to _Hell_?"

"Uncle Key tells you to go sometimes... I thought you liked it there?" She asked and from the other side of the camera, Adam's whispered something in Spanish.

"Oh, Uncle Key is going to _get it_." He said and when Thea's eyes widened, laughed "I just mean Uncle Keith is definitely going to be joining us on that bird is all." He said sweetly and Thea shrugged.

"I'll draw him too then."

* * *

"Alright, Talis. Show us how to ride a bike." Shiro said and Talis nodded, rocking on their feet as they gestured to the bike.

"You have to put your leg over-"

"No," Shiro interrupted "What do you have to do first?" He asked and Talis sighed.

"You have to _put on your helmet_." They grumbled and walked to the sidewalk to grab what looked to be Keith's space helmet and shove it on "Okay, then you have to put your leg-"

"No...What else do you have to do before?" Shiro asked and Talis groaned before stomping over back to the sidewalk.

"You have to...Put on your knee pads." They said and Shiro laughed.

"What else?"

"Elbow pads."

"Anything else...?" Shiro asked and Talis considered before running back inside the house. Shiro snorted "Talis hasn't even gotten on the bike yet. We've been doing this for twenty minutes." He told the camera and Talis dashed back outside, almost tripping a few times "What did you find?" He asked them and Talis held up Lance's armor. "That will do it!" Shiro told them and Talis struggled for a few minutes to get the chest plate on. It was huge on them, but soon they had most of it on (complete with Keith's helmet) before waddling back to the bike. Shiro zoomed in on the training wheels before moving it back to Talis' face. "Okay, now what?"

"You have to put your leg over like this," Talis said and got on the bike "Then you have to - ow." They yelped as they immediately fell off. The bike remained upright as Shiro turned the camera to show Talis lying on the ground, not moving as they stared up at the sky.

"You okay?"

"I don't know how to ride a bike, Uncle Shiro."

* * *

"What are you doing?" Pidge's voice asked as the camera flickered on, directing itself at where Thea was sat in a corner, glaring at ground. She glanced up at Pidge and shrugged.

"Hi Aunt Pidge." Thea grumbled.

"I heard you were in trouble...What happened?" Pidge asked and Thea threw up her hands.

"Why are those guys always _gossiping?_!" She cried out and Pidge laughed.

"Those guys? You mean your dads?" She asked.

"Yeah! Why...Why...Why does everyone got to know I'm in trouble?" She demanded "Ridiculous."

"So ridiculous," Pidge agreed "What did you do though?" She asked and Thea muttered something under her breath "What was that?"

"I snuck turtles under my bed..."

"Like...Real turtles?" She asked and Thea nodded "How many?"

"Five."

" _Five_ , turtles? But we live in a desert! Where did you find turtles?" Pidge asked and Thea shrugged "Thea..."

"I bought them from the pet store!" She said and groaned "I just wanted an army of turtles and now I'm in trouble." She muttered. Pidge put a hand on her shoulder in sympathy.

"Why did you need an army of turtles?"

"To protect me from monsters under my bed!" Thea threw up her hands "I didn't want to wake daddy and papi up every night to make them go away so I got turtles! I can't believe this! Ridiculous." She repeated. "Adults are ridiculous. Tell daddy and papi to stop telling everyone! It's nobody's business."

"Oh, I'm sorry." Pidge laughed "I'll pass along your message...Should I tell them anything else?" She asked and Thea seemed to consider this for a moment.

"Tell them that I'm hungry."

"Okay."

"And I would like chicken nuggets."

"Uh huh."

"And chocolate milk."

"Anything else?"

"...That I'm sorry one of the turtles bit daddy's toe."

"Wait. _W_ _hat?_ What kind of turtles did you get?!"

* * *

"Hey, Talis. Want to see a trick?" Lance asked and Talis looked up at Lance before nodding and shuffling closer to him.

"Are you ready? I'm just going to....Look! Got your nose!" He said, holding out his hand to display Talis' captured nose. Talis froze, putting a hand over their mouth.

"I...No! No! Give it _back_!" They yelled, seemingly unaware that the captured nose Lance was holding was not the same red Talis' nose was. "DADDY! Papa stole my nose!" Talis screamed and immediately tears welled up "Give it _back_ or I'm going to tell on you!"

"You already told on me!" Lance laughed and the seven-year-old seemed more distressed by this fact and started tearing up.

"Oh no..." Talis cried and at their wails, Kaleb ran into the room "He stole my nose!" They told him, pointing at Lance and he swiveled the camera in his direction. Kaleb looked in horror at where Talis was crying to where Lance was still sitting with his thumb between his fingers.

"I'm going to beat you up!" Kaleb announced, puffing out his chest.

" _Excuse me_?" Lance choked out.

"You want to fight me?!" He asked loudly "You want to fight _me?_ "

"No!"

"What's going on?" Keith asked, popping his head in the room. He looked to where Talis was still crying to where Kaleb had his fists up, ready to fight his dad to where Lance was sitting "....Again? For the love of God. Give them their nose back you monster."

* * *

"Kaleb, what's wrong?" Lance asked, following the four-year-old with the camera as he marched into the living room and threw himself on the couch. Kaleb didn't look at the camera his dad was holding, only staring forlornly in front of him. "You look like you've seen war, bud." Lance's voice noted and the camera zoomed in on his son's deadpanned face before zooming out again.

"Sarah and I are on a break." Kaleb finally explained with a sigh. He still didn't tear his eyes away from the empty space in front of him, instead just pouting at the wall. 

"I...Who is _Sarah_? Why are you on a break?"

"Sarah is my _girlfriend_ , papa. Except today she told me that she wanted two kids and that isn't fair." He said, sitting up straighter and finally looking over at his dad. He stuck out his chin a little, seemingly ready to defend that Sarah wanting two kids was an injustice. Lance hummed from behind the camera.

"Why isn't that fair?" He asked and Kaleb's face went a red before he ran an exasperated hand over his face.

"Because I don't have any kids! Why does she get two and I don't get any?" Kaleb grumbled "So now we're on a break and seeing other people."

"Who else are you seeing?"

"I don't know. I'm distressed." Kaleb sighed and put his head in his hands "I need some chocolate milk."

"Uh huh...Hey, buddy. You know you're too young to be dating anyone, right?" Lance asked and Kaleb looked back up at his father with narrowed eyes. "You're only four, my man. You don't get to date when you're four."

"But...I'm in love!" Kaleb argued and Lance's laugh was cut short when his son glowered at him.

"I thought you guys were on a break?"

"From _each other_! Not from love!"

"Oh my God...Adam I'm sending this to you for that blackmail video you're making of the kids."

"What's blackmail?"

"You just worry about Sarah."

* * *

"Hey Thea...Can you tell me who is the prettiest person in the whole wide world?" Romelle's voice asked. Thea was playing with her dolls, but immediately abandoned them in favor of standing in front of the camera, twirling a little so that her dress flew around her a bit.

"Um...Uncle Key!"

"Why?"

"Cause he has pretty hair and pretty eyes and pretty ears and he can turn into a purple teddy bear! And purple is a pretty color."

"I see. Who else is pretty?"

"Aunt Lura." She giggled and Romelle cooed in agreement.

"Why is that?"

"She has pretty hair like daddy and she can do pretty magic." Thea reasoned, counting the reasons off on her hands.

"That's very true. Now can you tell me who the most _beautiful_ person in the whole wide world is?"

"Daddy!"

"Oh, that's a good answer. Why is he the most beautiful?"

"Because he has hair that looks like a cloud and its soft and he has a shiny arm and he has pretty marks like the one on his nose and he gives the  _best_ hugs." She said, swinging her arms "I love him."

"Aw, I bet you do. I'm going to send this to him, want to say hi?"

"Hi! Oh... Oh is papi going to see this?" She asked and Romelle must have nodded because Thea frowned and tapped her lips before straightening back up "Okay, ask me who else is beautiful."

"Okay. Hey, Thea! Who else is beautiful?"

"Papi! He has pretty glasses and makes good food and tells good bedtimes stories and has pretty marks like daddy does and his leg is shiny!" She beamed and whispered "Okay, now you can send it! Don't tell Papi I forgot about him at first."

"I'll keep it a secret." Romelle said and when Thea went back to playing with her dolls laugh "Ha! Adam you got dissed by your own daughter. Keith is prettier than you." She cackled and ended the video.

* * *

"Hey...Talis. Talis, can you explain what's happening here?" Keith's voice asked "Where's your brother?"

"Away."

"Away? What do you mean away?"

"I put Kaleb away." Talis said, blowing hair from their eyes. The alien looked at Keith expectantly.

"Where is that exactly?" Keith asked and Talis groaned.

"Oh my God, dad." They said and got up, grabbing Keith's hand so they could lead him to the kitchen. The camera went a little shaky as they moved, but eventually Talis walked over to one of the lower cabinets and opened it up. Sure enough, settled among the pots and pans was Kaleb.

"Hi daddy." He greeted.

"Hi Kaleb. Why are you in here?"

"Talis said they had to put me away."

"I _told_ you!" Talis said and Keith sighed from behind the camera.

"Kaleb...How old are you?"

"Four!"

"Talis how old are you?"

"Eight."

"And how long have you lived with us?"

"A year."

"And have we _ever_ put Kaleb in a cabinet?"

A pause.

"...No."

"Lance, please come home soon."

* * *

"Where did the cookies go?"

"I don't know."

"You don't know?"

"No."

"Really?"

"Really."

"You have one in your hand." Keith pointed out and Talis looked down in surprise.

"Oh...How funny." They said and took a bite. Keith made a choking sound.

" _Talis-_ "

"Papa told me you talk in your sleep." Talis informed him and took another bite of the cookie. From behind the camera, Keith sighed. "Is that true?"

"I'm the one asking the questions here, Talis."

"But are you getting any answers?"

"You make me very tired sometimes."

* * *

"Hey guys! It's Uncle Coran's birthday! Can you say happy birthday?" Allura asked and Thea paused in putting glitter in Talis' hair to look over at the camera.

"Uncle Coran can't have a birthday!" She laughed "He's too old!"

"My parents have birthdays!" Talis told her with a frown "And they're old." They said and Allura snorted behind the camera.

"Oh boy... Coran, don't send this to Keith or Lance....Guys! Aren't you going to say happy birthday?" She asked and Talis nodded.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!"

"We love you!" Thea said "And when you come back I'm going to show you my new dress and we can play weeblies again!" She said brightly before going back to dousing Talis' hair with glitter. Allura laughed and turned the camera to the opposite end of the room where Kaleb was lying on the floor, silently staring at nothing.

"Hey...Kaleb? Are you alright?" Allura asked and Kaleb sighed.

"I think I have osteoporosis." He announced and Allura focused the camera "Happy birthday, Uncle Coran." He added and Allura sighed.

* * *

"Kaleb...Talis...Can you explain why you're home early from Colleen and Sam's house?" Lance asked as the kids sat on the couch. Kaleb looked up at Talis, waiting for them to explain.

"Uh..." Talis said "Well, Aunt Pidge said we were going to have dinner, but then Mrs. Colleen gave us peanut butter sandwiches. And then Kaleb asked when we were going to have dinner and Mrs. Colleen said that _was_ dinner so we came home." They explained and Lance laughed behind the camera, making gasped noises as Keith walked into the room, leaning against the couch with a disapproving look.

"That was _rude_ ," He told both of them and Kaleb scowled up at his dad "You can't just leave someone's house because you don't like their food."

"They were going to starve us!" Kaleb objected and Lance laughed harder.

"You could have had more food when you came back home." Keith tried and Talis shook their head.

"But it was _peanut butter sandwiches_."

"I cannot believe this," Keith groaned "When I was your age-"

"Now look what you've done." Kaleb grumbled to Talis and Lance got up, dashing from the room as he continued laughing.

"Oh my God...Oh my God..." He gasped "Hunk. We did it." He giggled "They have good...Taste...In food." He said between laughs "God...Keith is going to kill me."

* * *

"Hey Keith. Hey Lance. Listen, I know you're on your romantic getaway or whatever, but I thought you should see this." Adam's voice said and pointed the camera at where Kaleb was sitting in the swing, giggling chaotically.

"Please?" He was asking "One more time?" He asked, turning to where Talis was standing, shaking their head in exasperation.

"Only one more time," They said and went behind the swing "Okay. Ready?"

"Yeah!" Kaleb yelled and Talis began pushing him on the swing.

"What sound does a cat make?"

"Meow!"

"What sound does dad make?"

"No!"

"What sound does a pig make?"

"Oink!"

"What sound does a dog make!"

"Woof!" Kaleb barked and clutched the swing tighter as Talis backed up from pushing him. "Do it! Do it!"

"What sound does Kaleb make?" Talis asked and before letting him answer, pushed him hard on the swing letting Kaleb soar high as he screamed in response. Talis snorted and stepped to the side as he flew back and forth through the air, yelling as the swing began swing down.

"Again! Please, Talis?" Kaleb called as the swing began to slow down "One more time?" He asked and the alien shook their head in exasperation before walking behind their brother.

"This is the _last time_ , okay?" They said and went back to pushing him.

"Yeah. This has been going on for an hour." Adam informed the camera.

* * *

"Okay, Thea...Remember you have to be very quiet around Aunt Allura. She is very tired, okay?" Adam said and Thea nodded, swinging her arms as she skipped towards a a huge building.

"Where is Kaleb and Talis?" She asked and from Adam's left, Keith hummed.

"They're in school because Lance and I care about their education." He told her and Lance hit his arm. "What?"

"Don't worry, Thea." Adam said as his daughter frowned "I can teach you more than school ever could. Besides, I'm a _cool_ dad who let's his kid skip school for important events." He said and Keith rolled his eyes.

"She isn't even in _labor_ yet, Adam."

"Where is Aunt Allura buying the baby?" Thea asked, as they entered the hospital. Lance turned to the camera and rose his eyebrows.

"Uh...The baby is actually coming from her tummy, Thea." Adam said and Thea stopped walking.

"It's _what_? She _ate the baby_?!"

* * *

"So," Keith's voice said as the camera turned on "Let me explain what's happening here." He said and turned to where Allura was in a hospital bed, holding a bundle of blankets in her arms. She smiled at the camera as Keith zoomed in on the small Altean she was holding "We're welcome a new family member here. It's a girl. Her name is...?" He said and turned to where Romelle was talking to the doctor. She glanced over at him.

"We're still deciding. I'm more inclined to Bandor after my brother and Allura wasn't to go with Melenor after her mother." She said and Keith turned to camera back to Allura where she was mouthing 'Melenor' to Keith. He scoffed.

"Right. So anyways, nobody had thought to ask how Altean...Biology and reproductive stuff worked. So we were all under the impression there was a surrogate father somewhere." He explained and Allura wrinkled her nose. "But it turns out Allura and Romelle are both genetically the moms." He said and spun the camera to where Thea and Lance were both sitting in plastic chairs in identical positions. Their heads were in their hands, both staring at the ground. "So to the left you can see Thea digesting the fact that babies do, in fact, come from people. And to the right you can see Lance digesting the fact that two female Alteans can have a biological child together." He said "Even though our son is kind of both genetically ours-"

"That's not the same and you know it!" Lance snapped at him "Stop filming this. I'm processing. Leave me alone."

"Yeah, Uncle Key." Thea piped in "Don't film us processing."

"What are you processing again?" Keith asked her and Thea shook her head.

"Babies come from... _Inside of people_? Doesn't that hurt?"

"Yes!" Allura called from her bed.

"Oh no. I don't like that." Thea said "I don't want a baby ever...Did I come from your stomach?"

"...I didn't think this through." Adam sighed as Keith started laughing manically from behind the camera.

* * *

"Everyone keep quiet..." Lance whispered "We have a wild Talis within our midst." He said and zoomed the camera in to where Talis was trying on multiple leather jackets and posing in the mirror "It appears...At the tender age of twelve...They have decided to mature from Voltron t-shirts to a sort of biker style." He whispered and choked back a laugh when Talis threw a pair of finger guns at their mirror. "Oh my God - Keith! _Keith_!" He whisper-yelled "Come look."

"What? Oh no." Keith said as his voice joined the recording "Talis ordered new clothes?"

"Oh yeah. I'm narrating. Observe." Lance said and cleared his throat "The wild Talis is often a creature of agile stealth. Today, however, we are the ones of agile stealth. Watching. Waiting. Observing." He said in his best documentary voice "Ah, look. A rare sight indeed. It appears the Talis is attempting to put on some eyeliner. This would be their first attempt. Let's see how it goes."

"That's so immature, Lance.... Let me try." Keith whispered and Lance chuckled, the camera still focused on where Talis was still trying to put on the eyeliner "It should be noted the young Talis is inexperienced and should - oh. Yes. An injury." He said when Talis stabbed themselves in the eye with the pencil "A rookie mistake, no doubt. Let's see how they respond...Oh, quick recovery." He noted when Talis rubbed their eye and went to try again.

"This is a nature documentary. Not a sports game."

"Shh. Let me be creative! I - Oh shit." Keith said as Talis' gaze made direct contact with the camera "We've been made! Go, go, go!"

"WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?! WERE YOU SPYING ON ME?!"

"Fuck, run. _Go faster_!"

* * *

"Talis has a crush!"

"No, I _don't_."

"They do!" Kaleb yelled as he ran into the living room "I saw! I _saw_! Talis has a crush on the _Riley Peterson_!" He yelled and Talis threw a pillow at him "I saw! They gave Riley a flower!"

"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!"

"Talis loves Riley! Talis loves Riley! Talis loves Riley!" Kaleb sang as he danced around the room. Talis continued yelling out denials, throwing different things at him. Kaleb was almost cornered when the door slammed open and Thea appeared, cheeks flushed and practically gasping for breath.

"What are you doing here?" Keith asked from where he was trying to keep Talis from killing Kaleb "You don't live here."

"TALIS HAS A CRUSH ON RILEY PETERSON!" She screamed "Everyone at school is talking about it!"

"I _hate you both_!" Talis yelled and Thea ran up to the camera to give Lance a hug before grinning at Talis.

"Talis and Riley sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G!" She sang and Talis immediately launched themselves at her, yelling as Lance grabbed their arm to pull them away from Thea. Kaleb made kissing faces at his sibling as Talis slowly grew more and more flushed.

"Okay, we get it." Lance said "Talis likes Riley."

"No, I _don't_." Talis moaned and collapsed in on their dad "Make them _stop_."

"Who is Riley Peterson?" Keith asked and Kaleb giggled.

"He's a the kid who gets sent to detention every week." Thea said as she sat down next to Kaleb, running her hands through his hair. "And he _smokes_." She said with raised eyebrows.

"Ah, a bad boy, huh?" Lance asked Talis "I get it."

"You are not dating someone who smokes!" Keith called as Talis began to try to make their escape to their room.

"UNCLE ADAM SAID HE USED TO CATCH YOU SMOKING!" Talis yelled as they stormed out of the room and Keith groaned.

"Damnit Adam," He muttered "THAT WAS ONE TIME!"

"NOT ACCORDING TO UNCLE ADAM!"

" _Damnit Adam._ "

* * *

"Thea! What is this?" Keith yelled and there was a scream of betrayal "What _is_ this?" He asked, laughing.

"DAD! UNCLE KEITH IS BEING A JERK!" Thea shrieked as she dashed down the stairs. Keith started running away from her "GET BACK HERE!" She yelled and Keith turned around so she could catch up. "Give them, _back_." She growled, snatching the training bras away from him.

"I like the polka dot one." Keith snorted and she spun around to hit him.

"I'm going to get Uncle Lance to sell your underwear online!" She warned and stormed away.

"But what do you need those for?" He called after her "Are those swimsuits?"

"Can you stop torturing my daughter?" Adam said and Keith swore at his sudden appearance "Otherwise, I'm going to turn Talis against you."

"You can't do that. Talis is loyal to me."

"Ah, but yesterday I received a note in code telling me all the embarrassing things you did this week...How's your hand? Heard you injured it playing Just Dance." He asked and Keith went silent.

"TALIS YOU'RE GROUNDED!"

" _I didn't do it!_ "

* * *

"So..." Shiro said, his face popping on screen "It is three in the morning and we have the heroes of the universe here. Let's do a quick roll call - we have Lance and Keith over there filling up water balloons," He said pointing the camera where the paladins were piling at least a hundred balloons into a cooler before giving the camera a quick wave "Then there's Allura and Romelle who are filling up the special balloons with orange juice - we'll explain that later," He added, zooming in on Romelle and Allura trying with varying success to poor orange juice in the water balloons. "And Adam and I are on watch." Shiro finished and Adam shot the camera some finger guns before putting a finger to his lips and pointing inside.

"There's our victims..." Adam whispered "All four of them. Sleeping peaceful." He shook his head and the camera zoomed in on where Thea, Talis, Kaleb, and Bandora were sleeping on an air mattress in the living room. "We went out of town for a couple days for an emergency mission - they insisted we could leave them alone and that they were old enough to all stay at Shiro and my house for the weekend. Ha. As if... But we said okay and went on the mission. Little did they know that our house has cameras in it." Adam said and gave a dramatic sigh, shaking his head "So we got to see that _killer_ party they had this weekend. Kind of sad I wasn't invited. Also, I can't believe Thea! How did she not notice the cameras? I thought we raised her to always expect foolishness."

"Focus Adam."

"Sorry...Anyways. We're here to get revenge. We have our water balloons - OJ balloons for when Talis tries to turn invisible and escape and...We outnumber them so there's that."

"Solid plan. Top notch parenting."

"They are also totally grounded. This is just a bonus revenge." Adam shrugged and paused when he saw Lance waving at them "Are we ready?" He asked and the paladin gave a thumbs up. "Ah...So the battle commences." He whispered and moved aside as Allura and Romelle crept up to the back door.

"We'll go so we can hit Talis first...Lessens the chance of them escaping." Allura explained and looked around "Everyone ready?" She asked and when there were three affirmatives, nodded. "Okay...Three...Two...Go!" She said and opened the door. Shiro followed, flicking on the lights as the first scream sounded.

"WHY?!" Talis screamed "GOD - NO! WHY?!" They yelled as Kaleb scrambled up to hide himself behind Thea.

" _I thought you loved us?!"_ He shouted, trying to wipe the sleep from his eyes "Come on!"

Shiro only laughed, turning the camera to where Talis had gone invisible and was attempting to slip past Keith and Lance. Unfortunately, the orange on them gave away their position and Keith all too easily pegged them with another juice filled balloon, blocking their exit.

"Nice try," He said and turned to where Bandora was attempting to steal one of the water balloons "Nope." He added and pegged her in the face.

"Has anyone ever told you that you're...The worst?" The Altean scowled at him, wiping the water from her eyes. Her marks were glowing with annoyance. "Because you are."

"Yeah Dora, I'm going to lose sleep over that." Keith said dryly and hit her with another balloon.

"How many do you _have_?!" She demanded, turning back to Talis who had apparently changed tactics and was attempting to find something to throw back at them. "No!" Bandora yelled "We have to make a fort!" She reasoned and they started moving the air mattress to shield themselves. From across the room, Thea and Kaleb were desperately trying to avoid being hit still.

"ENOUGH!" Thea screamed and grabbed a vase off the mantel "THROW ONE MORE BALLOON AND I'LL BREAK IT!" She threatened, holding the vase high above her head. The room paused. Kaleb popped out from behind her and looked around cautiously before stepping out.

"She'll do it!" He warned "She's crazy!"

"You...Realize we can just buy a new vase, right?" Adam asked, unimpressed "I have no emotional attachment to that." He said and Thea gave a taunting gasp.

" _Papi_!" She yelled "I made this!"

A pause.

"No you didn't. Liar."

"Fourth grade art class. You didn't raise a liar." Thea shot back and Adam narrowed his eyes before turning to Shiro.

"Takashi...I can't tell. Is she bluffing? I don't recognize that vase." He said slowly. Talis peeked out from the newly fortified mattress shield, gesturing for Kaleb to join them and Bandora.

"I can't leave Thea!" He whispered and Talis groaned.

"Die then." Bandora told him.

"Bring it closer..." Shiro said and Thea shook her head.

"That isn't how a hostage situation works, daddy." She said sweetly "Don't you _remember_? How can you not remember me making this?" She asked with mock hurt. Shiro cursed under his breath.

"In fairness, you make like...so much stuff." Adam reasoned "You're a creative kid. Our entire wall is practically yellow because - WAIT! TAKASHI!" Adam gasped "There's no yellow on that vase!"

"AHA!" Shiro screamed "THERE'S NO WAY YOU MADE IT!"

" _Not everything I make is yellow_!" Thea tried, but Adam had already lodged a balloon at her. Kaleb dove behind her again.

"Guys, come on! I just deep conditioned my hair!" He moaned and from the fortress, Talis looked out again.

"And yet you still look like a dork." They called.

"You're covered in orange juice. Shut up." He snapped back and tugged on Thea's arm "Come on! We need to get to the mattress!"

"But they'll trap us there!" Thea called back, attempting to grab a pillow and use it as a shield for her and Kaleb "There has to be a better plan."

"We could die." Bandora suggested.

"Why is that your solution to _everything_?" Kaleb groaned "What happened to you?" He shouted and threw up his hands "You know what? I surrender! HEY! WHITE FLAG OVER HERE - HOLD YOUR FIRE!" He yelled and there were gasps of betrayal as everyone in the room paused again.

"Kaleb, _no_!" Talis yelled and tried to go after him, but Bandora grabbed them.

"He's made his choice."

"Kaleb think about what you're doing!" Thea said, attempting to drag him back, but Kaleb shrugged her off.

"I'm sorry...I love you all, but...My hair." He said and Talis shouted something in Spanish at him, shaking their fist. "Come _on_! I spent my entire allowance at the hair salon, let me live!" He told them and turned to his parents "I'm here to negotiate my surrender." He said. Keith and Lance exchanged glances. "What?"

"Nothing. We just...Didn't anticipate this." Lance shrugged. Kaleb stared at them "We kind of just figured we would keep going until we were out of balloons."

"Oh...Um. So now what?" He asked and Keith looked at Lance. Then at the others. "Um...Dad...?" Kaleb asked nervously. All the adults nodded.

"Sorry Kaleb...No surrenders." Keith told him stoically and broke a water balloon right over his head. "Should have thought about your hair before decided to host a party." He said dryly as Kaleb collapsed to the ground, wailing. There was a long pause as the kids all exchanged looks.

"Party...?" Thea asked quietly "Uh... We don't know anything about a party..."

"I thought you said we didn't raise a liar." Shiro called and Thea winced.

"It was more of a small get together..."

"We still have a lot of water balloons."

"It was Talis' idea!"

"How _dare you?_!"

"Talis..." Kaleb whispered from the ground "Talis...Help me."

"Can't you at least get him a hair dryer?" Talis sighed, walking over to attempt to drag Kaleb to the fort "What do you want from us?"

"To suffer, mostly." Romelle shrugged and Thea pointed at her.

" _You_ are the reason Bandora is the way she is." She snapped and Bandora appeared out from the fort to scowl.

"Ugh, don't _say_ that Thea!" The Altean grumbled "She's so...Happy." She said, wrinkling her nose. Romelle shook her head at her daughter "What? You and mom both are. It's disgusting." Bandora said, wrinkling her nose "With your colors and....Smiling." She added and Allura pegged her in the face with another balloon "I hate my life."

"Hey!" Adam yelled "Why are we stopping? I thought we said no mercy." He called and immediately all the kids scrambled back to the air mattress as Lance and Keith began picking up more water balloons to start throwing.

* * *

_Awwwww...You guys are pretty much movie stars! Don't worry. We have plenty more where that come from... <3_

* * *

There was a click before the hologram shut off and a few seconds of silence.

"We have to find the rest." Thea announced from where she was seated, turning towards the other occupants in the room. "You know what they'll use this for, right?" She asked and Kaleb sighed, tossing his bayard between his hands thoughtfully.

"They wouldn't actually do that, Thea." He reasoned "You worry too much. Can I go now? Aunt Pidge is helping collaborate an ion-"

"Wait a moment, nerd." Talis interrupted "Thea has a point. The video did end with us getting obliterated with in a water balloon fight because we threw a _party_ when we were teenagers - well...When most of us were teenagers," They said with a glance towards Bandora "I wouldn't put it past them to play it at the ceremony. I say we find the rest of these and destroy them."

"I think you guys are being a bit bold to assume there is going to _be_ a ceremony." Kaleb frowned "We are still a paladin short of forming Voltron, remember? How are they going to announce we've been accepted as paladins when we don't _have all the paladins_." He pointed out "Also, I still don't think they would play our childhood videos for the universe to see....That's low. Even for them."

"You think very highly of people," Bandora sighed from where she was flipping a coin "It's a flaw of yours, Kaleb. Remember when our parents all showed up to your soccer game with a giant poster of your face? And how they alerted the media that you won the science fair? Or when you got your first date and they-"

"Point taken, Dora." Kaleb interrupted loudly as Talis snickered. "Fine. Our first mission as...Almost Voltron is to destroy these videos. Any ideas?" He asked and everyone around the room shrugged. "Wow."

"You're the hacker, dude." Talis told him "Dora, could you use your Altean stuff to bippity boppity something?" They asked and Bandora rolled her eyes, blowing her fringe from her eyes.

"If I must."

"Love the enthusiasm. Thea? You're the most charming."

"Excuse me-"

"Shut it, Kaleb. Thea. Do you think you can get everyone all buttered up so I can trick them into revealing what they know?" They asked and Thea laughed, clapping her hands together.

"I was planning on surprising everyone with dinner tonight anyways!" She beamed and Bandora made a noise of disgust "What? Uncle Hunk taught me more recipes... Besides, they just got back from a diplomacy meeting. I thought it would be nice-"

"Tone it down, merry muffin." Bandora interrupted "Although that reminds me...I have to go get my moms a gift to welcome them back. See you later." She said, waving them off "Let me know when we're storming the castle or whatever."

"THE FACT YOU'RE GETTING THEM A GIFT SHOWS THAT YOU HAVE A HEART!" Thea yelled "SO DON'T YOU MERRY MUFFIN ME!"

"Bye merry muffin."

"Oh - _you_..." Thea growled and paused when she noticed Kaleb getting up, shrugging as he began explaining more about the ion blaster he was helping Pidge make as he walked backwards out the door. Talis shook their head as he tripped, falling out of sight as the door zipped shut behind him. "Let me guess. You have to train?" Thea asked them and Talis shrugged.

"I was going to visit my lion...Want to come with? Maybe they have some blackmail material for us to work with." They said and Thea grinned, holding out her hand for Talis to help her up.

"And people say Kaleb is the smart one..." She teased and Talis shoved her, rolling their eyes as they snapped up the chip with the videos and shoved it in their pocket.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They'll be more of these but they're going to be sporadic! Next up will be a Pidge oriented chapter (:
> 
> Also ten points if you caught the PJO/HOO reference. Shout out to that series. Solid. I need to read the rest still.
> 
> Also there was a correction on the last chapter: in the last scene I forgot the waitress would be James' sister-in-law so I added that acknowledgement in lol.


	24. Basically You Should Have Read the Damn Textbook

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I - excuse me?" Pidge gaped, crossing her arms "Miss. Shaybon, you aren't in this class!" She said and sighed when the door opened again "Mr. Kinkade, what are you doing in my classroom?"
> 
> "We're auditing this class," Jenny smiled and winked at the rest of the students "Continue on, professor." 
> 
> "You've already taken this class. Get out." 
> 
> "I actually haven't," Jenny told her brightly "Ryan and I are concentrated in piloting courses. This class wasn't required for us!" She told them brightly "So we never bothered taking it...Right, Ryan?" She asked and Pidge swore that her friends were the worst.
> 
> Before she could respond, the door opened again and Pidge swore on her life she was going to punch someone. 
> 
> "Um...Who are these random people in my class? Mr. Gunderson, what are you doing at my desk?"
> 
> Damnit. Pidge looked at her teacher and sighed. 
> 
> "You have a hard job, Adam." 
> 
> "Don't call me by my first name."
> 
> Or
> 
> Adam and Pidge battle for dominance in the classroom.

Being a teacher was hard.

For a lot of reasons, but Pidge's main complaint was that she had to stand on a desk to take roll call. One day...One day she would grow and make all of her enemies rue the day they laughed at her for having to stand on her tip toes to get a granola bar from her locker. Side note: _fuck_ whoever assigned her a top locker. That was just cruel.

"Okay, Sam Hale?"

"Present."

"Julia Ba-"

"SORRY I'M LATE!" Came a startling yell as the door slammed open, revealing a ruffled looking Jenny Shaybon. She hurried to one of the remaining open seats, throwing out apologies as she pulled out her notebook and pen. Pidge stared.

"I - excuse me?" Pidge gaped, crossing her arms "Miss. Shaybon, you aren't in this class!" She said and sighed when the door opened again "Mr. Kinkade, what are you doing in my classroom?"  
  
"We're auditing this class," Jenny smiled and winked at the rest of the students "Continue on, professor."  
  
"You've already taken this class. Get out."  
  
"I actually haven't," Jenny told her brightly "Ryan and I are concentrated in piloting courses. This class wasn't required for us!" She told them brightly "So we never bothered taking it...Right, Ryan?" She asked and Pidge closed her eyes, reminding herself to count backwards from ten.  
  
Before she could respond, the door opened again and Pidge swore on her life she was going to punch someone.  
  
"Um...Who are these random people in my class? Mr. Gunderson, what are you doing at my desk?"  
  
Damnit. Pidge looked at her teacher and sighed.  
  
"You have a hard job, Adam."  
  
"Don't call me by my first name." He said and the class collectively groaned "What? Why are you all upset?" Adam frowned, looking around.

"Pidge was going to teach us about pulsar beams today." One of the students called from the back of the classroom. Adam tilted his head.

"...Pulsar beams? But you haven't learned about magnetic field lines." He frowned and let his eyes flick Pidge up and down "Unless Mr. Gunderson has covered that already."

"Why would I need to cover magnetic field lines?" Pidge snorted "Everybody knows...Oh." She said when the entire class shook their head at her "What? Did you guys not do the readings I assigned you?" She frowned and immediately everyone diverted their eyes "Come _on_. I don't assign these things for fun you know!" She told them and glared when Adam snickered at her "At least I've been here to teach them something." She muttered to him.

"Teach them badly, maybe." He shrugged and Pidge gasped.

"I'm a good teacher! Tell him." She added, looking at her class. Jenny hit the desk.

"Pidge is the _best teacher here, damnit_." She yelled and Adam frowned.

"Who the Hell are you?"

"I'm Jenny. Also, I am a huge fan of your work in the nuclear particle field." She said, beaming at him "Usually I'm really bad at all things science, but the examples you used were-"

"Jenny." Pidge stage whispered, "This isn't helping my side of the debate."

"Unreadable. I couldn't understand a word of that nonsense." Jenny rectified and Pidge nodded her approval. Adam looked between the two and sighed.

"Right...So. Can I teach now? I came all the way here to do that so..." He trailed off, raising his eyebrows and Pidge paused before slowly picking up her stuff and moving it to the side. She glowered at the other man.

"You can try." She sniffed and sat down. Adam shook his head and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Right...So anyway, let's go over magnetic field lines since clearly nobody here knows about that." He mused and tossed his bag to the side "When the- yes, Mr...Who are you? Why are all these random people here?" He asked when Ryan raised his hand.

"I'm auditing the class." He explained "Ryan Kinkade."

"Great. Now anyways-"

"That wasn't my question."

"...what was your question, Mr. Kinkade?"

"What is a magnetic field line?" He asked innocently and raised an eyebrow at Pidge. She grinned back.

"I was just about-"

"I can answer that Mr. Frasier!" Pidge interrupted and turned to Ryan "It's essentially how we visualize magnetic fields."

"But Pidge," Jenny frowned "What are magnetic fields?"

"I'm so glad you asked! It's-"

"Are you three done?" Adam interrupted "I would personally prefer it if you were done." He said and Pidge scowled at him.

"Just engaging with the material..." She mused and sat back. Adam stared her down for a few seconds before turning back to the board. In all honesty, he wasn't terrible. She would admit that. He made the whole thing a bit harder than it needed to be, but she got the feeling he did that on purpose. Why? Probably because he was an ass.

"And...Mr. Carson, what is _happening_ back there?" Adam said, stopping in mid-lecture to look at one of the kids in the back of the room. The boy froze at being called out, sinking a little in his chair.

"I have to go to the bathroom."  He admitted. Adam stared.

"Then...Go to the bathroom?"

"Pidge doesn't let us use the bathroom during class."

"I _know_ you're just trying to smoke weed in there!" Pidge yelled over her shoulder and Adam pressed his hands together, glancing up at the ceiling for a few seconds before turning back to the class.

"Just, please, go to the bathroom." He sighed and looked at Pidge "Why have you been torturing my students?" He asked as the boy practically catapulted himself out of the room. Pidge bristled. Quite frankly, she thought she had been a lovely teacher. And this jerk should be grateful she took over teaching rather than report him for missing the past five classes.

"If you were _here_ then I wouldn't be torturing them." She said instead and her teacher rolled his eyes. "Besides, you tried to trick us into filling out your tax forms last month...Remember?"

"I was giving you real-world experience." Adam threw back "And I'm in mourning. You can't expect me to always be here when my dear, lovely, wonderful fiancé was so cruelly taken from this planet."

"Wait. Mr. Frasier - can we go over taxes? Cause I'm a little confused on that whole system..." Somebody called and Pidge groaned.

"See!" Adam yelled, pointing a finger at the student who had spoken "You ruined a perfectly good learning opportunity, Gunderson."

"This isn't _tax class_!" She pointed out and Adam shrugged. "Can we stick to the magnetic field lines?" She grumbled, crossing her arms over her chest. She wasn't going to point out that in addition to mourning she also knew he was trying track down said fiancé and that weird mystery kid she always heard about.

"Sorry guys, we're going to let the system fail you because Mr. Gunderson wants to stick to the curriculum." Adam said and went back to the board. Pidge shot up, head rushing to her face in retaliation to the comment.

"Not true! Just google taxes!" She yelled, looking at the class "And maybe we _could_ go over taxes if you had done the _reading like I told you to do_. Then we wouldn't have to go over magnetic fields!" She pointed out. Adam snorted and tossed the marker he was writing with to the side, clearly abandoning the lecture altogether. Figures. Jenny leaned over and nudged Kinkade.

"...Did you know we had a reading?" She whispered, flipping through the empty sheets of paper she had brought with her. Ryan stared. Unimpressed.

"We don't take this class, Jen." He told her flatly. Meanwhile, Adam was pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose, looking at Pidge as though she was a rather amusing specimen rather than the terrifying creature she was.

"Right. You expected them to do the reading? Rookie." He scoffed "Nobody ever does the readings, kid."

"You assign readings." Pidge pointed out, glowering at him. Adam rose a brow.

"Sure. So when I make the lecture unnecessarily hard they go back and do them and then it makes more sense. But nobody is going to read them before. Obviously." He rolled his eyes "Plus, if I assign readings I have more time to teach my dear students about taxes." He added.

"Stop it. I know you were trying to get out of doing your taxes." She shot back and looked down at Jenny "Do you see this?"

"Hm... Totally. Mr. Fraiser - how do you become a teacher here? Do you just fill out an application? And exactly what else can you trick your students into doing for you?" She asked, scribbling something down in her notebook.

"Oh. Pretty much everything. I usually have a class dedicated to everyone helping me figure out what to get my fiancé for his birthday. We all get really into it. There's flow charts and everything. Also, there's usually somebody who wants to learn about resumes or something so I have them update mine...Oh and cover letters. I have so many cover letters from students. It's awesome. If I ever want a new job I'm totally set."

"Or if you get fired." Pidge hissed.

"That too," Adam shrugged "And...Let's see. I teach everybody how to budget and then I don't have to worry about doing it myself if I give them my information and umm...If I need a button sewed back on or something I can bring that in and-"

"Oh my _God_!" Pidge moaned and shook her head at Jenny "Stop writing it down!"

"I once had someone come to my house and fix my sink as extra credit."

"This goes against every ethics code...Ever!" Pidge argued "Child labor. This is child labor." She pointed at him. Adam considered this for a few minutes.

"I mean...Maybe. But I do pay for my entire class' tuition every year so...I don't think it counts?" He mused, tapping his upper lip. Pidge paused.

"Wait. What?" She frowned, narrowing her eyes. "No, you don't."

As far as she was aware, the only money she had received this semester was from a scholarship... Or. Maybe. She looked at her class and saw them all murmuring to one another. Right... Adam smirked back at her, arms crossed over his chest as he raised an eyebrow. Jerk. She thought she had earned that.

"Make a note, dear students." Adam called, regaining their attention "There is something called balancing your sins. Think of it like a scale. If you want the scale to be perfectly balanced you have to make up for all the bad things you do in life...And also make up for the good things you do in life. It only makes sense." He informed them all.

"Like Robin Hood?" Someone called and Adam snapped his fingers.

"Yes. I like that. _Exactly_ like Robin Hood...I should patent that. The Robin Hood method..." He whispered, throwing up his hands for dramatic effect.

Pidge was getting a headache.

"That's already a thing." She pointed out and a few people awed in disappointment "Don't _sympathize_ with him! That wasn't even his idea!"

"It was a great idea, sir." Somebody called and Pidge banged her head against the desk.

"I teach you people so you can have an education and you _betray me_." She muttered. Adam laughed because he was evil and that was what evil people did. They laughed.

"Right...So I'll send all of you a video tonight on magnetic field lines and when I inevitably miss our next class period, Mr. Gunderson can go over pulsar beams. Sound fair?" He asked. More whispers. Pidge narrowed her eyes. "Alright, see you all...Eh. Whenever I see you." Adam said and sat at the edge of his desk, waving as the class uncertainly filed out. Pidge stayed in her seat, tapping her fingers impatiently against the desk.

"Even if you are paying for us all to be here, you still can't just...Not teach people. It's wrong." She told him sharply, ignoring Jenny and Ryan still awkwardly sitting in their seats. Adam took his laptop out and put it on his desk, humming.

"You realize these kids don't have the same level of passion as you, right?" He asked her, shoving some books to the side "People won't learn unless they're interested in something. Those are the kids that do the extra readings - or eventually - will come find me or another teacher and ask for help. Then at that point, I'll sit them down and show them everything they need to know about the subject. But there's no reason to teach everyone else who clearly isn't going to make it. The graduation rate of this school is thirty percent. If they don't fail my class, they'll fail someone else's. They don't just let anyone go to space, Gunderson." He told her with a shrug "So why waste their time and money forcing them to memorize something they'll probably forget after the final anyway? Instead, I can teach them stuff they'll actually use."

"And you get something out of it."

"I never said I was an angel." He winked and Pidge scowled.

"I don't like your method. I don't agree with it." She told him and Adam sat down behind the desk, starting to type "But I'll accept it for now because _I_ will teach them right." She grumbled, "All of them can make it."

"Thirty percent."

" _All of them_." She repeated and Adam nodded to her. For a second she thought he was going to say something more, but at that moment the door cracked open again.

"Uh..." The kid who asked to go to the bathroom earlier frowned, looking around "I...I'm back. Is class over? I was only gone for five minutes!" He said, shaking his head. Adam took a long breath.

"It's been five years, Mr. Carson."

" _Wha_ -"

"He ended class early," Pidge interrupted "Go back to your dorm and watch the video on magnetic field lines so we can go over pulsar beams next class." She said and the boy looked between her and Adam before slowly nodding.

"Uh, yes, sir." He told Pidge and very slowly shut the door again. Adam snorted and went back to typing on his laptop. Pidge was willing to bet it had something to do with Takashi Shirogane. Still...She wouldn't rat him out with Jenny and Kinkade here. Speaking of which-

"Hey, uh." Jenny said, raising her hands "Question. Um. On the topic of scholarships. Since we're now _technically_ auditing this class...?"

"Send me your student ID numbers and I'll take care of it." Adam said without looking up. Jenny punched the air in success. From beside her Ryan seemed conflicted, but ultimately started writing down his ID number and ripped out the paper with an apologetic look towards Pidge. Whatever. She understood. Shaking her head, she stood up, gathering her books. Following Jenny and Ryan out, she walked over trying to make herself look as big as possible.

"I know you're not evil." She told him and reached in her bag to pull out one of the apples she had been saving for lunch "I also know we're not supposed to do this, but...Here." She said, sliding the food towards him "You should eat something. Take a break...You'll find him. Them." She added, thinking of whatever kid Shirogane had been raising. Adam blinked at the offering.

"Don't worry. I know you're not evil either." He said and leaned away from the computer to roll the apple in his hands. "Thanks, Gunderson."

"No problem, Adam."

"Don't call me Adam and get out."

"We're practically _equals._ " Pidge grumbled, but turned away to where Jenny and Ryan were patiently waiting. "I can't believe you guys are auditing this course." She said and Ryan shrugged, tossing his bag over one shoulder.

"Heard the teacher for this class was a hardass with glasses and a big personality...I'm honestly not sure if they were referring to you or him now..." He frowned and Jenny snorted, ignoring Pidge's gasp of betrayal.

"First of all how _dare_ you-"


	25. Basically I'm Just the Cashier

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Hey. Can I return these?" A voice asked and George glanced up to see Adam Frasier holding three frozen pizzas. George narrowed his eyes.
> 
> "There's literally a man with a giant ball of fire behind you." He pointed out and Adam glanced over just in time to see Hunk attempt to chase the man in question away with a fire extinguisher. Lance continued to snipe down enemies from his position on top of the cereal aisle. Pidge was throwing the store's deli selection at a rather large looking alien who appeared to have knives as fingernails. Adam shrugged.
> 
> "Aren't you still on the clock?" He asked, throwing the pizza on the counter. George considered.
> 
> "I guess. Did you purchase it within the last ninety days? Has it been opened? Has it left the freezer?" He asked and when Adam shook his head, nodded. "Then yeah. Do you have your receipt?"
> 
> Or
> 
> You guys have been heard. Here is your George one-shot.

"I'm in love."

George looked up from where he was counting his drawer and inwardly sighed. He should be on Galrina. It had been nine months since Adam and Shiro's wedding and the weird mustache guy had not taken him back to the planet. Which, in George's humble opinion, was rather rude. You kidnap a guy, force him to go on a flower expedition, and then force him back to Earth despite having found a lovely planet that was uninhabited?

If he was on Galrina right now, he wouldn't have to be working. If he was on Galrina, he could be taking a nap. If he was on Galrina, he wouldn't have to listen to his brother talk about his newest crush for the fifth time this week.

"Again?" He asked warily and Nathan threw himself on the conveyor belt in a wave of dramatics. George considered flicking it on just to see if his hair would get caught in it, but figured he would never hear the end of it if he did.

"It's real this time, George - he _smiled at me_."

"Amazing."

"You act unimpressed, but you didn't see him smile. It was a solid smile. Not like 'oh no it's _you_ ' kind of smile, but an 'OH! IT'S YOU!' kind of smile. You know?" He asked eagerly and George stared down at him.

"Of course." He said, completely deadpan. Nathan rolled his eyes and sat up. Luckily, the store was pretty empty aside from Nathan. So he should be grateful he was only being bothered by one person. Voltron was on a mission - thank _God_. He could not handle the chaos that would enter his life if a paladin walked in right now.

"You'll know when you fall in love," Nathan dismissed and George sighed. Right. Sure. "Anyways, dad is working late tonight so I might head over to the Garrison and say hi..." He mused, tapping his fingers together "Do you guys sell any chocolate here?"

"I - yes? Nathan, you come in here every day. Why wouldn't we have chocolate?" George frowned down at him "It's a grocery store. There's literally chocolate next to you."

"Okay, but do you have chocolate that is like...'marry me' but in a super subtle way?" Nathan asked, tapping his finger against his lip "Something bold. But not too out there."

"It's _chocolate_."

"Oh...That is pretty typical. Would you be more impressed if someone bought you chocolate or gummy bears?" He asked and George continued to stare him down until Nathan finally got the message and went off to find his perfectly romanticized candy. Right. He had just one more shift - _and_ Voltron was gone. What could go wrong?

* * *

Everything went wrong.

They ran out of cereal in aisle four, a sink of the girls' bathroom was broken, one of the cash registers crashed and - oh. Did he mention the giant hole gaping in the middle of the wall? Because that was a thing.

"So you're back," He sighed, looking down in the rubble to see a very battered Lance McClain waving up at him.

"Hey, George!" He said brightly "Sorry about this - you know how evil aliens are," He shook his head, trying to get some cement out of his hair "Always going after the motherland or whatever."

"And instead of targeting a government building or military base...They decided to aim at a grocery store?"

"Oh, well. Pidge had this awesome idea to trick them into thinking the grocery store was _actually_ a military base. You know. To save equipment and what not."

Pidge... George made a note to 'accidentally' cancel her rewards club membership. Sighing, he went back to his cash register, ignoring the explosions a few feet outside as Lance went back out to continue shooting at their enemy. George picked up his phone and dialed the most called person in his phone.

_"George? Are you okay?"_

"Voltron exploded the store, dad." He greeted "Can you send some officers to report the damage and stuff?"

_"I - ow. I would son, but our entire unit it dispatched in getting people out of the city with the killer aliens or whatever. You should probably evacuate."_

George glanced over at where Hunk Garrett was thrown into a pile of cantaloupes.

"Probably," He agreed "But my boss would count it as a personal day and I really wanted to go to that spa." He said and ducked when more beams shot overhead. Damnit. There went their discount sign. George silently cursed as he heard his father bark orders to his team.

 _"...we need to talk to your mother about your priorities,"_ He sighed " _Just get someone from Voltron to help you get out of there!"_

"They seem kind of busy though..." George mused as Allura started screaming bloody murder while chasing what looked to be some kind rat-dog hybrid into the frozen food section "Be careful with the evacuation. Love you."

 _"Yeah, I will if you promise to evacuate. Love you too."_ His dad threw back and ended the call with a click. George sighed. Again. He supposed he should probably leave... Maybe if one of the ships were unattended he could jack it and find Galrina...

"Hi, Keith." He called when the black paladin chopped down another enemy "Can you help me get out of here?"

"I said _left_ , Lance! LEFT!  I - you're not listening to me." The boy groaned and glanced over at George "What are you doing here?" He snapped, dark eyes looking him up and down critically "Are you hurt?"

"No. Can you help me leave?"

"Um - one second. SHIRO! WHEN YOU AT ATLAS GET HERE HELP GEORGE OUT OF THE STORE!" He shouted into his comms and jumped over the counter to shuffle him towards a corner of the store. "Stay here, okay?" He said, "I'll send someone over soon." He promised and George shrugged. He wasn't paid enough for this. Figuring he had some time before anyone helped him (Atlas was _always_ late). He went ahead and started playing Tetris on his phone.

Well. For a few seconds at least.

"Hey. Can I return these?" A voice asked and George glanced up to see Adam Frasier holding three frozen pizzas. George narrowed his eyes.

"There's literally a man with a giant ball of fire behind you." He pointed out and Adam glanced over just in time to see Hunk attempt to chase the man in question away with a fire extinguisher. Lance continued to snipe down enemies from his position on top of the cereal aisle. Pidge was throwing the store's deli selection at a rather large looking alien who appeared to have knives as fingernails. Adam shrugged.

"Aren't you still on the clock?" He asked, throwing the pizza on the counter. George considered.

"I guess. Did you purchase it within the last ninety days? Has it been opened? Has it left the freezer?" He asked and when Adam shook his head, nodded. "Then yeah. Do you have your receipt?"

"What? Of course not!" Adam scoffed, ignoring Pidge's scream of frustration as Kosmo zapped her away from another enemy. "I throw away all my receipts."

"I can't accept the return if you don't have the receipt, sir."

"What? Really?" Adam frowned "But like...Nobody even _uses_ receipts anymore."

"We do. That's why we hand them to you when you purchase something." George pointed out and Adam groaned, glowering at the pizza. A watermelon blew up somewhere in the back of the store, splattering the wall pink.

"There must be _something_ you can do!" He argued, "Can I speak to the manager?"

"I am the manager."

"God _damnit_." Adam sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose "This is why I hate capitalism." He muttered and gathered the pizzas up in his arms "Fine. I'll just keep them." He snapped and paused for a moment to grab a gun strapped to his thigh and shoot down a few aliens rambling towards them "Your supervisor will be hearing about this!" He added and George could only wave as he marched out the door.

"Come again." He called and felt a tap on his shoulder. "Oh. Hi James."

"Come on," The boy said, "I have orders to get you out of here." He told him and grabbed George's arm, leading him towards one of the broken windows. "Hey...You're Nathan's brother, right?" He asked, helping him over the glass. George nodded. "Oh... That's, uh. That's cool. Watch your head there. Um...So not to be weird, but like. What's his deal? I bet he has a girlfriend...Right?"

"Gay and single." George sighed and decided he would be a good brother. "Do you like gummy bears or chocolate?"

"What?"

"Just answer the question."

"Oh. Um. Gummy bears, I guess...Why? Does Nathan like chocolate? Wait. Can I change my answer?"

George really hoped the explosions meant they were closed tomorrow.

* * *

 "...oh my God! Did he ask about me?" Nathan demanded, practically shaking George. " _Did he?!"_

"Yes, oh my God." George groaned "Mom. _Mom_ , make him let me go!" He moaned, as his mother threw herself into an armchair, massaging her temples.

"Nathan. Let him go." She sighed and thrummed her fingers on her arm "Honey, did you see Shiro and Lance over there? They missed their appointments again."

"Yeah, but they were kind of fighting aliens so I didn't talk to them a whole lot." He told her, pouring himself a glass of orange juice "But I can tell Adam and Keith if they aren't going again." He shrugged. He didn't like to think of himself as a tattle-tale, but he figured missing government sanctioned therapy over dealing with your own death was something he could throw them under the bus for.

"Thanks, sweetheart." His mom sighed and clicked something on her computer "Oh _no_." She groaned and Nathan danced around to see what she was looking at. Immediately he winced and kissed her cheek in sympathy. " _Lance_." She hissed. Figures. 

"What happened?"

"He's wearing another t-shirt!" She groaned and spun the computer around to show a video of Lance, indeed wearing a t-shirt over his armor, that read 'I Died in Space and All I Got is this Shitty T-Shirt'. George grimaced. "I _told_ him to stop wearing those! That isn't a healthy way to cope - I didn't get my degree for this." His mom moaned as she pushed the computer off her lap. "Sierra, you're the best therapist we have!" She mimicked "Trust me, they said. You're qualified, they said. _No, I am not_." She grumbled, slamming the door behind her. George clicked his tongue.

"What?" Nathan frowned.

"I was just wondering if I should tell her that I saw Shiro wearing a matching one."

* * *

"Has anyone noticed how hot Marco McClain is?"

"He's married," Nathan said, but was interrupted by Lionel shaking his head.

"No, no. That's Luis who's married. To Lisa." He said, stuffing some food in his mouth "Marco is the one who looks like a pothead, right?" He asked and ignored the gasp of their sister.

"No, he _doesn't_." She pouted and George rolled his eyes.

"Isn't he too old for you?"

"Maybe so. But I can still notice he's hot." She grumbled and offered a pretty smile at Lionel "You know who _else_ is hot? Hunk Garrett. The one who happens to be your client." She beamed and Lionel shrugged.

"I don't represent Hunk Garrett."

"But you _do_ represent Little Tuna." She pressed "Maybe a friendly introduction?"

"I don't represent Little Tuna - and there's no proof that Hunk Garrett and Little Tuna are the same person," Lionel informed her "Besides, I'm a lawyer...Not a matchmaker." He said and Sam pouted, throwing herself back into her chair.

"Ugh, all the hot people are _so out of my reach_. I even got dissed by Pidge's brother in comment section of that stupid interview video that I wasn't cool enough for her." She moaned "I just want someone to love me and a dog. God. I wish I was Keith Kogane."

"Praise," Nathan sighed "James didn't even text me back..."

"He was in the middle of an intense battle." George pointed out and Nathan scoffed "Lionel? A little help?" He frowned.

"Legally, he doesn't have to text you back," Lionel said, taking another bite of food. "Ethically...He shouldn't."

"What?" Nathan frowned "Why? Is he in some kind of trouble? Does he need money? I have...Like, ten dollars." He frowned, patting his pockets.

"It's unethical to lead someone on when they're clearly out of your league."

" _He fucking smiled at me, Lionel_."

* * *

"I've decided love is not for me," Sam said as she pressed her head against the car door window. George turned on his blinker. "I'm going to reinvent myself instead." She nodded. George glanced at her, nodding a little in acknowledgment as he turned the car.

"What are you going to be?" He asked and Sam sat up straight, jutting her chin out.

"I'm going to take my knowledge from the Garrison and use all the rejection in my heart to become an evil villain and destroy all of those who have forsaken me," She told him "And all of my enemies will fall on their knees and weep at my feet as  _I_ reject  _them_. Then I will use their tears and pain to create an empire of my own where I will rule with fear until I die when some hero inevitably strikes me down." She said, still looking out the window before shrugging "That or maybe I can paint." 

"I like the first one," Draven said from the backseat "Can I be your executioner?"

"Sure," Sam shrugged and turned "Darren? Do you want to work for me too?" She asked her brother. Darren glanced up from where he was reading his magazine before tilting his head.

"I don't know...How much does it pay?"

"It pays in honor."

"But like. Health insurance?"

"I can get you dental."

"I'm sold," Darren nodded and Sam clapped her hands together as George pulled the car up to the curb. The twins hopped out of the back, lugging bags of...Well. George didn't want to know what was in their bags. He knew better than to ask. "Thanks for the ride, George. I need to go meet up with my other evil boss now," He said with a wink at Sam.

"Sure," George yawned, "Mom says to be home by ten."

"Jesus," Draven muttered "We're _adults_. Why doesn't she get this? Moms are the worst, I swear to God... I need to text Keith about this." He moaned and George frowned, rolling down his window to stare at his brother.

"You...Still, talk to Keith?" He asked, tilting his head. He remembered that Draven and Voltron's leader had been close as kids. He didn't realize they had gotten back in touch after Keith had come back from space though. Interesting.

"Yeah," Draven shrugged "The guy still doesn't have any other friends."

"Neither do you," Darren told him and tugged his arm "Come _on_. We're going to be late meeting Hunk. Let's go." He said and waved at him and Sam. "See you later!" He called and George shook his head, rolling back up his window. He turned back to where Sam was still scribbling something down on a notepad, tapping her pen thoughtfully.

"Am I going to get offered a job as part of your empire?" He asked, pulling the car out of the parking lot. Sam considered.

"What are your qualifications?"

"That I am very, very tired. Very."

"Hm... You can be an advisor."

"Sounds about right."

* * *

"HALE!"

"I really can't let you return the pizzas, sir." George said as he set aside the broom. His boss had called in order to inform him that he was in charge of cleaning up the store. It was not going well. There was only so much he could do about the holes, fire, and crumbling products around him. Alas, this did not deter Adam as he jumped over a wayward lettuce stand to match over to George.

"What? No. I don't care about that." He rolled his eyes "This is about your stupid brother."

"Which one?" George sighed "Did Nathan use another pick-up line on Griffin?" He asked warily. Adam crossed his arms.

" _No_ , and quite frankly he is wasting his talents on that boy." Adam said and waved him away "No, no. The one you know I despise. Him and his stupid...Stupid _flower shop_." He muttered "How dare he? How _dare he_?" Adam asked and George sighed. This again. "He has no business being at the Garrison. He sells flowers."

"And also works at the Garrison...We've been over this, Adam...I thought you liked him now?" He asked warily. "You guys seemed to really bond during that... Uh, thing with the purple light and everyone went kind weird." He said, wrinkling his nose. That _had_ been a weird day. Lance had been adamant about farming and Shiro had kept running into walls...

Also, Adam's hatred for his brother was born...And also their friendship? George didn't really know how to deal with these people anymore.

"He plagues me," Adam whispered "And yet. We are one."

"Okay. I need to get back to work-"

"Wait, wait, wait!" Adam yelped, jumping in front of him. "I'm sorry. Listen. I just... Can you just answer something for me? Honestly?" He asked, wringing his hands together. George paused to look him over, tilting his head to the side as he considered the other man.

"What?" He asked skeptically.

"Takashi thinks he would end up with _him_ in another universe and I think he would end up with _me_. What's your opinion?"

"Goodbye, sir. Please check out our weekly discounts up front." George rolled his eyes and made his escape down the chip aisle, bringing out his phone bitterly "Curtis, Adam is harassing me about you again and I am just...I'm so tired. Please. Do something." He begged.

* * *

"Hello, again."

George wasn't one to feel fury very often. He was a pretty subdued guy. But also. _Fuck this guy_.

"You," He said, spinning around as he shut the door to his family's house closed. " _Where the Hell have you been?_ " He demanded and the Altean's eyes widened with surprise "You _promised_ you would take me back to the Galrina and then you disappeared? What was that about?" He yelled, throwing up his hands "I just want some peace! What the Hell?!" He demanded. Coran nodded slowly, mustache curling.

"I...Cannot tell you where I have been, unfortunately. Top secret business, you see." He said and offered a sly wink "Some might even say I'm paving the way for the future." He said, puffing out his chest. George did not respond, completely unimpressed. "At any rate, I am here now and will take you to Galrina if that's your wish." He said with a flourish of his hand. He looked up at him and smile "Unless you would rather stay...?"

"...No. Let me grab a bag." George rolled his eyes and pushed past him to grab his old school bag and stuff it with clothes. He was halfway to the closet when he noticed a pile on his bed. Curiously, he wandered over and picked up a wrapped box with a note on it.

_Hey, sorry for you almost dying earlier. I'm glad you're okay...So that you can keep not adding tax into the price whenever I try to make a simple purchase - Lance_

George scoffed and went to set it down, only to notice another parcel beneath it.

_Ayyy! Big bro. Draven and I got you something as a thank-you for driving us around. I promise we definitely will pass our driving test this time. And our eye exam as soon as Draven admits he needs glasses. - Darren (and Draven)_

There was another.

_Hey there favorite brother. Sorry Adam is bothering you again. I PROMISE I didn't do anything! I mean...I did give them both a flower but come on. I own a flower shop. Sue me. - Curtis_

"What the Hell?" George muttered, tossing them to the side to discover more packages.

_Hey there, G-man. Thanks for telling me James like gummy bears...I left you the chocolates as a thank you! -Nathan_

_I know you know about Hunk. I mean, everyone does...But like. You're the one people would believe if you said anything. Thanks for making my job easier...I told your boss it's illegal to make you work so much so you have a week off. Enjoy - Lionel  
_

Holy shit. A whole week? And yet there was more...

_I would like to formally thank you for the information you gave me regarding Nathan. I have enclosed a book on flying techniques to express my gratitude. Best, James Griffin._

Eh. He could probably sell it on online.

_I've decided my villain career might be a backup plan...Here's my first painting instead! xoxo - Sam_

_Hey son, glad to hear you're okay! Your mother and I were thinking you could probably use a vacation from all the stress... How does Cuba sound? Lance's family said they could set something up. - Lots of love, mom and dad._

"Are you ready to go, my boy?" Coran called and George looked helplessly at the pile of notes and gifts before groaning. Galrina. So peaceful. So calm. So tranquil.

Alas, he would have to settle for Cuba. These packages have made one thing very, very clear...

These people would die without him. He was certain. Forget Voltron. He, George Hale, was the sole defender of the universe. He should probably find everyone and thank them though...

Another note fell from the pile.

_Here's the receipt for the pizzas - Adam_

Yeah... He could use a nap first.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Curtis: *exists and has absolutely no affiliation with me*  
> Me: ...  
> Me: ...  
> Me: ...he's a fucking a Hale.
> 
> Also, you have met all the Hales! He was the last one! If you want the official guide to the Hale family, I'm going to post their family tree on on my tumblr BUT be warned... I literally just lied. There is ONE MORE Hale (kind of) on there that I don't think I've mentioned on ao3 yet. A lot of you probably know what I'm talking about, but for those who don't know... You'll find out next chapter. I'll give you a hint: Basically Movie Stars (Volume II) is next.


	26. Basically Movie Stars (Volume II)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Thea...Baby... Beautiful daughter of mine...Are you drunk?" Shiro asked, pointing the camera as where Thea was putting chocolate syrup on some tacos.
> 
> "What?" She asked, tilting her head to the side "No! You can't just...You can't just say that daddy!" She scowled at him "How...How can you even say that?"
> 
> "Well, you kind of came home late you smell like alcohol."
> 
> "So that means you can say that?!"
> 
> "I...I think so, yes."
> 
> "That's super irresponsible, dad. Super duper bad." She grumbled "I just...How can you say that? I'm sixteen. I can't drink alcohol. It isn't allowed."
> 
> "You're right. It isn't."
> 
> "So how dare you? How dare you just say that?"
> 
> "Okay, Thea. I'm sorry. Why don't you go upstairs and I'll bring you some water, okay?" Shiro snorted and Thea stared at him blankly for a few minutes.
> 
> "I don't think I can do that, dad."
> 
> "Why not?"
> 
> "I'm like...Really drunk."

"Thea...Hey. What are you doing?" Adam asked as he walked into the bathroom, pointing the camera as where Thea was currently putting her belongings in a small bag and moving piles of her recently chopped off hair out of the way.

"I'm joining the army." She answered and added a nerf gun to the pile.

"Uh huh...And why does this require cutting your hair off?" Adam asked, showing the pile of Thea's hair on the floor and then moving the camera to where Thea was staring forlornly at the wall in front of her.

"That's what Mulan did," Thea said "And I have to too. I'm going to take daddy's place in the army."

"Oh?"

"He's too old to fight now. I'm going to pilot Atlas." She nodded, sticking out her chin with a shuddering breath "He's so old..."

"Easy there. You know, Mulan cut off her hair because she wanted people to think she was a boy. Was that part of your plan or...?"

"Aunt Pidge said that was what she did too," Thea shrugged "Papi _everyone_ cuts their hair when they join the army."

"...Of course." Adam said "How silly of me. So...You're going right now?" He asked and Thea knelt down to pick up her nerf gun and throw it over her shoulder. She looked at Adam before slowly walking over to hug him.

"I love you...And I'll miss you." She whispered and turned to gather her things before walking out the door. Adam followed her a few steps as Thea made her way to the porch and looked outside before taking a long breath. "Okay. Bye." She said and after a few more seconds of standing there, turned to look at Adam "Papi? Which way is the army?"

"Baby, we literally live on an military base."

* * *

"Dora...Dora...Smile for the camera!" Romelle cooed as Bandora paused in eating her ice cream to look over at her mother "Come on! I'm taking a video so there's no rush. Just smile whenever you're ready!"

Bandora bit her ice cream stoically.

"Oh my God...We're _terrible_ parents." Romelle groaned and pointed the camera at where Allura was grabbing napkins from the table "Why is she so..." She trailed off "Like this? Are we doing something wrong?" She asked and Allura scoffed.

"No. Dora just has a little attitude is all." Allura reasoned and picked up her daughter to clean up the ice cream she was getting all over herself "Like you."

"I do _not_ have an attitude!"

"Hey, Dora?" Allura asked sweetly "Can you tell mama that she's a drama queen?" She asked and Romelle gasped. Bandora bit more into her ice cream.

"Mama!" She called "Drama _queen_."

"Ooh. She even emphasized it." Allura laughed "Good job, Dora. I may be the queen of Altea...But you, my love, are the queen of drama. Dora is clearly expressing that in a different way."

"I don't understand why I'm being bullied!" Romelle muttered "Dora, can you _please_ smile? For me?" She asked and Allura looked down at her daughter with a shrug. Dora looked between them for a few seconds, mulling over the question with more licks of her ice cream.

"Okay." Dora said and did nothing.

"...You forgot to smile."

"Okay." Dora repeated and kept her stoic expression. Allura laughed.

"Dora you have to _smile_."

"Okay."

"This isn't happening, is it?"

* * *

"Lance...Someone might have broken into our home and you _grab the camera_?!" Keith's voice hissed. It was dark for the most part, but the small bit of light glowing from the light of Lance's phone managed to give a general outline - not to mention Keith's eyes glowed yellow in the dark as the camera tried to focus.

"I like recording you beating people up," Lance answered "It makes me happy."

"Just go on YouTube. There's an entire channel dedicated to it." Keith muttered as he cracked open the door.

"Yeah...I own that channel." Lance whispered, but Keith was no longer paying attention as he lifted his bayard to face whatever had woken them up as he slammed open the door. Nothing. Keith frowned, flicking on a light and peering down the hall before turning back to Lance with a shrug. "Maybe we should check on the kids." Lance suggested, but was interrupted by Keith jumping ten feet in the air, bayard activating.

"WAIT!" A voice squeaked and the air glimmered for a second to reveal Talis in the doorway, hands in a surrendering position as Keith's sword automatically lowered away from their throat. The ten-year-old gave a weak wave in greeting.

"Talis, what are you _doing_?" Keith groaned, rubbing his eyes "It's one in the morning. Why are you trying to get into our room?" He asked and Talis turned from Keith to look at Lance to back to Keith again before walking into the room and slipping into the bed.

"I'm sleeping here tonight." They announced and pulled up the covers. "Good night."

"Wait. Talis." Keith said and closed the door again "Why do you need to sleep here? Are you okay?" He asked, but Talis was already settling themselves in the bed, fluffy up Lance's favorite pillow and straightening the sheets.

"Yes. I am just going to sleep here tonight." They repeated and patted on either side of them. "You can sleep here too if you want."

"It's our room."

"That's why I'm inviting you." Talis nodded "But no snoring. Otherwise you have to leave." They added with a raised eyebrow at Keith. Lance snorted, shifting the camera a bit so he could climb into the bed and ruffle the alien's hair.

"Are you _sure_ there's not a reason you want to sleep with us, Talis?" Lance asked "Nightmares? Or is Kaleb sleeping walking again?"

"No! I don't get nightmares." Talis muttered "Goodnight."

"But-"

" _Goodnight_." They insisted and reached over to yank Keith's hand impatiently so he could also climb in the bed. A few seconds of silence followed as Lance got up to turn off the light when Talis spoke again. "...It wasn't really a _nightmare_ because I don't get those, but sometimes I close my eyes and see bad things." They said quietly. Keith's expression softened as he glanced over at Lance. He opened his mouth to answer when a new voice spoke from beneath the bed.

"Isn't that what a nightmare is?" Kaleb asked and Lance shrieked, dropping his phone as his son's head popped out from underneath them. "Shh! People are sleeping!" Kaleb scolded as Lance continued swearing.

"Not in this house," Keith sighed "What the Hell are you doing down there? How long have you _been_ there?"

"I was trying to be invisible like Talis!" The six-year-old beamed "I think it was working!" He added and rolled over a bit so he could also climb onto the bed "Can I sleep here tonight too? I can make sure Talis doesn't have nightmares!" He said and Talis exhaled in annoyance.

" _You're_ a nightmare," They mumbled "I don't have those! Now I'm going to sleep." They said and aggressively flopped down. Kaleb laughed and squirmed under the covers, mashing himself between Keith and Talis. "Move _over_." Talis groaned before yelping "Stop putting your cold feet on my legs!"

"It helps keep the nightmares away!"

" _I don't have nightmares!_ " Talis yelled "Stop it or I'm going to tell Thea you stole her book!" They yelled and immediately Kaleb released his sibling. Keith said nothing, only turning to stare dully at the camera Lance was still holding.

"Babe? You good?" Lance asked and Keith laid down, staring up at the ceiling as Talis and Kaleb continued fighting over who got more room. "Keith?" He frowned and before his husband could respond, Kosmo appeared, zapping Keith away. The kids stopped bickering to look at the empty space he had been in.

"Where did dad go?" Kaleb frowned and there was a noise outside of the room. Lance snorted.

"He'll be back. Kosmo just took him to the kitchen to grab a snack."

"Ooh! I want a snack!" Kaleb said and Talis shot up.

"Me too!"

"Wait. No-"

* * *

"Hey, Romelle. Where did Bandora go?" Allura asked as she turned on the camera "I wanted to film her before the play started."

"She's still getting into her costume, I think." Romelle shrugged "I - oh! There she it!" She said and camera swiveled around to show Dora tripping into the room. She was dressed in a ripped, white shirt with red paint splashed over it and a black cloak over her shoulders. She smiled when she saw her moms - making the outfit slightly more disturbing.

"I...Wow!" Allura said "What...What play did you say this was again?" She asked and Dora pushed her hood back, letting white hair spill over her shoulders. It was also drenched in red paint that made her eyes somehow more purple than usual.

"Jack the Ripper!" Dora told them "And I get to play the lead."

"...I think this might be a human thing that we're missing," Allura mused "Who is this Jack?"

"Nobody knows." Dora whispered "Except the ones who can't tell us." She said and there were a few minutes of silence where Dora just stared at the camera, waiting for her parents to respond as she continued to hold a deadpan expression.

"That's wonderful, sweetheart." Romelle finally said "Hey, what's that in your hand?" She added as Dora began to walk away, picking up her bookbag. Allura hummed in agreement to the question, zooming in on Dora's hand as she dashed towards the door.

"A knife!"

" _No_!"

* * *

"GO THEA! GO THEA! YES! YES! YES!"

"SHE DID IT!" Adam screamed "OH MY GOD! SHE DID IT! FUCK YEAH!"

"THAT'S OUR DAUGHTER!"

"YEAH DEBORAH! OUR CHILD JUST WON! BY THE WAY YOU'RE COOKIES _SUCK_!"

"YEAH! ANNOUNCE _THAT_ AT YOUR NEXT PTA MEETING!"

"YEAH!"

"Sir...Uh, Mr. Shirogane? Mr. Frasier?"

"It's Shirogane-Fraiser." Adam said, glancing over.

"Yes. Right. Of course. We're going to have to ask you to leave the spelling bee..."

" _What?_ How can you-"

"Adam, it's fine. You filmed her winning, right?" Shiro asked and Adam nodded, eyes flicking to the camera before freezing. "Babe?"

"Uh...So it turns out it was in selfie mode...At least we can see the joy in my face as she beat everyone?"

" _Adam_."

* * *

"So...Nathan and James are copy cats." Lance greeted as the camera flickered on. From behind him James made a noise of objection. "Not only did they decide to adopt a kid, but they adopted a kid that is literally the same age as Kaleb. I'm guessing they were just so jealous of how awesome our kid is that they had to get one of their own." Lance clicked his tongue "So sad." 

"Our kid is definitely going to be better than both Kaleb _and_ Talis!" James objected and immediately was silenced when Nathan punched his arm.

"James. They're _kids_." He scowled and immediately James winced, offering a small smile in apology as he rubbed the back of his neck "Anyways...We didn't completely copy you. She's a girl." He shrugged and Lance's grin faded at the announcement. "What?"

"Oh...Uh. Kaleb was kind of under the impression you were getting a boy...?" He began and James crossed his arms "He thinks with Thea and Bandora there needs to be another boy in the mix... Don't worry about. I'll just let Keith tell him." Lance shrugged, ignoring James when he scoffed.

"Tell who what?" A voice asked and Kaleb himself walked in the room, sucking on a lollipop. He was holding a hand of a girl who was also around nine, curiously looking around. "Papa look! I found a girl in our house!" He said, pointing to where the girl was also licking a lollipop "I think she's lost so we should probably keep her." He added and the girl blinked at the announcement. "This is my papa," Kaleb told her "He's really smart and knows how to beat my dad in scrabble...Except my dad says he cheats because Spanish words shouldn't count...Only papa says that's not true because Spanish words and real words and saying otherwise is...Well, I can't say the word he said." Kaleb said thoughtfully and James rose an eyebrow at Lance.

"Hi." The girl said and looked over at where James and Nathan were standing "Do I live here now?"

"Your son is trying to kidnap our daughter," Nathan smiled and knelt down in front of the kids. "No, Sadie. You're still living with us. Kaleb, this is Sadie. I'm afraid you can't keep her." He said and Kaleb frowned at this announcement. He looked over at Sadie and let go of her hand for a moment, disappearing into the other room. For a second, the camera just pointed at where Sadie was looking at the spot he had been. Before anyone could go collect Kaleb, the boy returned with his hands full of hotwheels.

"You were supposed to be a boy," He said accusingly. "So I got my Uncle Hunk to buy you boy toys." He said and Sadie tilted her head, picking up one of the toy cars.

"I like these toys," She said "Maybe they're girl toys."

Kaleb stared.

"But I play with them. And I'm a boy."

"Well I'm going to play with them too," Sadie pointed out "And I'm a girl." Kaleb stood there for a moment, looking completely stumped. He turned to Lance, who shrugged.

"Maybe that shouldn't matter?" He suggested. Kaleb considered this before beaming at Sadie.

"Okay! You can be my best friend as long as you play with hotwheels and trucks and robots and dolls!" He said, clapping his hands together. Sadie wrinkled her nose.

"I don't like dolls." She said and grabbed Kaleb's hand again "I'll still be your best friend though." She told him and together they marched back out of the room without so much of a goodbye to their parents.

"Huh," James said "That was...Weird."

"At least they get along," Lance snorted "Could you imagine if they didn't? They would have truly taken after you and Keith."

"Whatever. They get along because my child is an angel. Clearly I'm a great influence."

"You've known her for literally two days."

* * *

"Adam and Shiro here! We're reporting live and on the scene at Theodora Alejandra Shirogane-Frasier's parent teacher conference. Say hi to Miss. Hale everyone!" Adam said brightly, pointing the camera as the woman next to Thea. "You're Nathan's sister, right? Sam?"

"Yes, sir." Sam said and looked over at her student "But I'm going to have to ask you to put the camera away." Sam told him, raising an eyebrow. "Also, Deborah would like me to inform you that you are off the PTA board."

" _Deborah_!" Shiro hissed "Is she still mad that Thea won the spelling bee? That was so long ago. Petty."

"I think she's more upset that you yelled that her cookies sucked." Sam shrugged before looking around "Even if you weren't wrong, I still have to let you know you aren't welcomed back." She added and Shiro rolled his eyes.

"It's been over a year. Still petty..." He muttered as Adam began defending the purpose of the camera.

"I have to film this! Keith and Lance film Talis and Kaleb's...And Allura and Romelle film Bandora's and then we decide who the best parent is based on how much the teacher likes us." He argued and Sam pinched the bridge of her nose.

"If that's the case... You're going to lose this year."

"God damn...Okay fine, I'll turn it off."

* * *

"Okay, so Talis here just turned fifteen so...We're learning to drive today!" Lance announced "Also, a very concerned Sadie and Kaleb in the backseat... Say hi!" He said, showing the two kids clutching tightly to the handles of the car next to them.

"Why do we have to be here?!" Kaleb said "I don't want to die! Sadie and I have to start middle school soon!" He said and for some reason, Sadie flinched at the comment before aiming a kick at her friend.

"We won't die!" Sadie snapped at him "Talis is going to be a good driver, right?" She said as she tightened her grip.

"They're going to be great!" Lance said "I'm a great driver!"

"What about dad?" Kaleb muttered and Lance grimaced.

"He's...A great pilot! Besides, I'm sure Talis has my driving ability. Not Keith's." Lance said and turned the camera back to Talis "Okay, my perfect child. Just put the car in reverse and-"

Kaleb screamed as Lance was cut off with a loud thump.

"Right. Okay. Um...So sometimes we hit the side of the house. Why don't you just calmly pull out and-"

 _Thump_.

"We didn't even need that bush. It's fine. Just try-"

_Thump._

"Told you we were going to die," Kaleb muttered to Sadie who kicked him again. "What?!" He yelped and Sadie made a choking sound as she pointed at where Talis was currently missing from the driver's seat. "Oh. Yeah. They do that sometimes when they're stressed. Talis, you're invisible again." He said and made a face "Though it would make more sense if the car was driving itself..."

"Shut up!" Talis yelled, glimmering back into view "Papa?!" They added desperately, glancing over at where Lance was still holding the camera.

"It's fine! We're all fine. It's not like anyone got hurt so just hit the gas _gently_ and-" Before he could finish there was a loud squealing sound as the car jolted violently back before a much louder thump sounded along with a groan.

"KEITH!" Lance yelped and jumped out of the car, throwing to the camera to the side so it was filming the roof of the car.

"OH MY GOD YOU KILLED DAD!"

"KALEB SHUT UP!" Sadie yelled "YOU'RE GOING TO FREAK TALIS OUT!"

"WHO CARES?! THEY'RE A MURDERER!" Kaleb yelled back and there was the sound of the window rolling down "UNCLE ADAM! STOP LAUGHING AND CALL AN AMBULANCE!"

"This is why I wanted a motorcycle..." Talis sighed and the car turned off "Hey...Dad? Daddy? You good?"

"I knew it would be you who killed me." Keith's voice came weakly, following by a choking sound.

"I had to get you before you got me."

" _Talis_."

* * *

"Adam, this isn't an appropriate time to be filming!" Shiro hissed as the camera flickered on.

"No, babe, didn't you hear what she said? I have to get this on tape!" He said and dashed towards where Allura was on her knees in front of Bandora, burying her face in her hands. "Hello, ladies." Adam greeted "Can someone catch me up on what just happened?" He asked and Allura looked up to throw an exasperated look at him. Before she could answer, Bandora spoke up.

"Mommy says she's going to space to fight bad guys... But I don't know why she has to go."

"Why shouldn't she go?" Adam reasoned and the girl frowned, looking between Allura and where Romelle was leaning against the wall, shaking her head.

"Because she can go somewhere like...Alabama or something."

"Wait - what's in Alabama?" Adam frowned, sounding a little caught off-guard. Bandora shrugged.

"Alligators."

"No, that's California." Romelle frowned "Right?"

"No, California has the sharks-"

"Florida. You're thinking of Florida." Keith called as he entered the room, tussling Bandora's hair as he passed "Almost ready? Why are you filming?" He added, throwing a glance at Adam.

"Dora...If your mom doesn't go fight bad guys, then who will?" Adam prompted, ignoring Keith.

"Nobody! Just let the bad guys be bad. We live in a democracy."

" _No_." Allura groaned "Do you even know what a democracy means?"

"It's means you give the power to the people!"

"Who's been telling you this?!" Allura said, throwing her hands in the air. Bandora paused.

"Uncle Hunk."

"Oh my-"

"So to be clear," Adam interrupted "Your mom should hang out with alligators in Florida instead of fighting bad guys because the entire _universe_ is a democracy and we should give power to the people?" He asked and Bandora nodded. "You know...You might be my favorite."

"Hey!"

"Oh - Thea. Fuck. When did you get here?"

* * *

" _I hate her_!"

"Oh, shit." Keith muttered and the camera shook as he tried to turn it off. Kaleb threw his bag on the floor, red with anger. "One second. Ah... Is this thing broken? I - Kaleb. Kaleb, what's wrong?" He asked and seemingly gave up on the camera and tossed it on the table, unaware it still had Kaleb in perfect view.

"Sadie. I hate her. I _hate her_." Kaleb hissed, pacing back and forth.

"Sadie? But she's your best friend." Keith frowned "What happened?"

"It doesn't matter! I'm never talking to her again!" Kaleb shouted and ran a hand through his hair "Uncle Hunk said she was going to leave for some fancy private school. Is that true?" He demanded and Keith, looking shell-shocked by the strange amount of anger his son was exhibiting, nodded wordlessly "Good. I hope I never see her again!" He yelled and left the room, slamming the door behind him.

"Talis?" Keith called and the air shimmered, revealing the alien who had been in the corner of the room "What the Hell happened?"

"I don't...Really know for sure..." Talis said, shifting nervously "I mean, I know some stuff. He was...Really mad when he found out this was her last day at school with him. I guess she didn't say she was leaving." Talis said slowly and glanced over their shoulder to where Kaleb had stormed out.

"Why didn't she tell him?" Keith asked, but Talis rose their hands.

"Don't know. I am officially uninvolved. Bye dad."

"Talis get back here-"

"Goodbye."

" _Talis_."

"I love you."

" _Talis_ you better not walk away from me-"

"I'll run then."

"I swear to God!"

* * *

"GO KALEB!"

"YOU CAN DO IT!"

"GO...GO...GO! YES!" Lance yelled as Kaleb scored and immediately turned to everyone else with a pout "I just lost fifty dollars."

"Wait," Romelle paused "You bet that your son _wouldn't_ score today?" She asked and gasped when Lance dug out his money and handed it to Adam with a frown. "Lance!"

"What? He's not the...Most athletic kid in the world. Nothing wrong with making some money off of that fact." He shrugged and turned back to the field "I AM SO PROUD OF YOU KALEB! I KNEW YOU COULD DO IT!" He yelled and turned back to Romelle "Anyways-"

"You're mean," Romelle frowned at him "Dora! Want to cheer on Kaleb?"

"No." The eight-year-old told her mother bluntly and continued to stare at the sky.

"I...Really? Just yell 'go Kaleb!'" Romelle tried and Bandora groaned.

"DON'T MESS UP KALEB!" She yelled and Romelle kissed the top of her head while simultaneously also looking at the sky in a silent prayer.

* * *

"Papa...We need to talk." Talis sighed, walking into the room to face down a very stoic looking Lance. They scowled when they looked over at where Keith was zooming the camera on their face "Were you involved in this?" They asked.

"Not really sure what this is about," Keith answered "But Lance started laughing when you got home so I figured it was worth recording."

"I wasn't laughing!" Lance objected "This is a very serious conversation we need to have." He nodded and gestured for Talis to sit in the armchair across from the couch he was sitting in. "I assume you received my note?"

"I did," Talis nodded and folded their hands together "And I think you need to reconsider." 

"You're almost an adult, Talis. This should have happened a long time ago."

"But you're my _father_. Isn't the deal supposed to be I'm always a baby in your eyes or whatever? That's what Uncle Shiro says about Thea." Talis pointed out and Lance sighed, shaking his head.

"Shiro is weak. We all know Thea has him wrapped around his finger."

"And I don't have you wrapped around mine?"

"I have a strong willpower."

"Well...Now I just feel as though I failed as a child," Talis shot back "I literally blackmailed my way into this family. You don't think I won't cause chaos to restore order?"

"What you just said was a paradox."

"Please. I am a paradox."

"Damnit, Keith." Lance breathed deeply "They're good. They're real good."

"Wait..." Keith said "I'm actually super confused. What's happening?" He frowned and Talis reached into their lunchbox to pull out a napkin with Lance's handwriting scribbled across it. They slid it over to Keith, who focused the camera on the writing.

_Talis,_

_I have made the decision to stop cutting the crust off of your sandwiches. It is time you got used to the real world... Also, I know you snuck out last night. This is unrelated to the crust decision. Promise._

_Love,_

_Papa_

"I...Wait. _What_?!" Keith demanded "You guys are arguing over cutting the crust off sandwiches? And you snuck out? Why aren't we focusing on that?" He asked and Talis rose an eyebrow, before looking over at Lance, who shrugged. "Lance, why are you even still making them lunches? They aren't five. We talked about this." He sighed and Lance put a hand over his heart.

"Keith _that is my baby_. I will always make them lunch."

"Aha! You said I was a baby. That means no more crust on my sandwich. Checkmate!" Talis yelled, standing up to point at her father in victory. Lance hit the arm of the couch.

"Damnit. They got me."

"No!" Keith yelled "Oh my - _No_. You are as weak as Shiro! Talis. You're grounded and make your own lunch." He said and just as Talis and Lance started yelling their objections, Kaleb popped his head in the door.

"Hey, dad? I broke my xbox..."

"We can get another one tomorrow."

" _You are such a hypocrite,"_ Talis yelled "He can get a new xbox but I can't get crusts off my sandwiches?!"

"You don't get crusts off your sandwiches?" Kaleb frowned, leaning against the wall with a sympathetic click of the tongue "Ouch."

"Kaleb, earn money if you want a new xbox," Lance said tiredly "We are trying to sort out the crust situation."

"But I got straight As on my report card!"

"You've always gotten straight As on your report card!" Lance argued "Aim higher if you want us to pay for stuff."

"If I get straight As can I have the crust off of my sandwiches?" Talis tried and Keith sighed heavily from behind the camera.

"This family is a fucking mess."

* * *

"Mom?"

"What?" Allura called as Romelle lazily pointed a camera in her direction. Bandora came around the corner, peering over at where Allura was trying to write something down.

"Mom!"

"What?" Allura called again. The nine-year-old skipped over to where Romelle was sitting, plopping herself on her lap.

" _Mom_."

"What is it Bandora?" Allura asked and

"Mom."

"Oh my - _what is it_?"

"I love you." Bandora told her and Romelle scoffed as Allura turned in her chair to stare at them with exasperation.

"Why do you have to say my name a hundred times every time you want to say you love me?" She asked and Romelle turned a bit so she could catch the side of Dora's face when she replied.

"I have to make you work for it."

* * *

"Thea...Baby... Beautiful daughter of mine...Are you drunk?" Shiro asked, pointing the camera as where Thea was putting chocolate syrup on some tacos.

"What?" She asked, tilting her head to the side " _No_! You can't just...You can't just _say that_ daddy!" She scowled at him "How...How can you even _say that_?"

"Well, you kind of came home late you smell like alcohol."

"So that means you can _say that_?!"

"I...I think so, yes."

"That's super irresponsible, dad. Super duper bad." She grumbled "I just...How can you _say that_? I'm sixteen. I can't drink alcohol. It isn't allowed."

"You're right. It isn't."

"So _how dare you_? How dare you just _say that_?"

"Okay, Thea. I'm sorry. Why don't you go upstairs and I'll bring you some water, okay?" Shiro snorted and Thea stared at him blankly for a few minutes.

"I don't think I can do that, dad."

"Why not?"

"I'm like...Really drunk."

* * *

"Is it on? I don't know how it works!" Talis complained as they tapped the camera aggressively for a few moments. "KALEB! Come help me with the tech stuff!" They yelled and Kaleb's face come on screen, picking up with a roll of his eyes.

"It's recording, idiot." He said and pointed it at Talis "Okay. Are you sure dad and papa won't mind us using this?" He asked and Talis shrugged, putting on a helmet. "I don't want to get in trouble Talis! I have a date this week so I better not get grounded for helping you."

"Ooh, a _date_." Talis crooned "What do you even do on a date when you're thirteen? Listen to the 109th Kidz Bop?" 

"Shut up. Your version of a date is spray painting people's houses!" Kaleb shot back and turned the camera around "Talis thinks they're cool because they commit vandalism. So impressive." He scoffed with a roll of his eyes.

"Coming from the guy who wouldn't shut up about how cool his _laser beam_ was last week!" Talis yelled "Now shut up and start filming!"

"It wasn't a laser beam..." Kaleb muttered, but shifted the camera around to show Talis throwing their leg over a bike.

"GET READY!" They yelled "FOR EXTREME STUNTS! I will amaze you all by blasting my bike over this pool, onto the trampaline and landing on the grass on the otherside of the yard!" Talis announced. Kaleb filmed the course as they described it, muttering his doubts under his breath before Talis gave the thumbs up.

"Alright...On your mark...Get set...Go!" He yelled and there was a whirl of color as the camera fell to the ground. "Shit." Kaleb muttered as he went to pick up the camera "Uh..."

"DID YOU SEE THAT?!" Talis screamed "THAT WAS AWESOME! DID IT LOOK COOL IN THE VIDEO!?"

There was a long pause.

"...yes." Kaleb answered.

* * *

"Two down...God knows how many more to go," Talis sighed as the hologram clicked closed "Did you find anymore Kaleb? Kaleb?" Talis called, waving their hand in front of the other paladin's face. Kaleb stopped in his glowering to glance over.

"Why is _she_ here?" He asked, jutting his chin to the figure mashed between Bandora and Thea. "This meeting is for paladins. You aren't part of the team." He added sharply and Talis groaned. "What?! It's true! We didn't invite her." He added, lips thinning into a line. Talis sighed.

"Sadie," They said "I am formally inviting you to spend time with us. Do you accept?"

"Thank you for the invitation, Talis." The girl said and looked Kaleb dead in the eye "I accept." She said flatly and as if to add fuel to the fire, Thea patted her knee in reassurance. Kaleb took a long breath, which had his godsister quickly withdraw her touch with an apologetic glance.

"Shouldn't you be in whatever boarding school your parents threw you in?" Kaleb snapped back "The one next to Hell?"

"Funny. It's almost as if I graduated and am the same age as you." Sadie frowned, tapping her lip "You are...Eighteen years old. Which would mean..." She said and pretended to count on her fingers "You haven't been in school for a few months now."

"A year. I graduated early." Kaleb said through gritted teeth. Bandora glanced between the two, interest flickering in her eyes as Sadie hummed in response.

"Apologies...And congratulations on your early graduation."

"Fuck off, Hale." Kaleb gritted and Talis hit his arm "What? Uncle James didn't even want to be around her. That's why she got sent away." He muttered and ignored when Sadie stiffened, dark eyes narrowing at him.

" _Some_ of us don't have famous parents that guarantee us success." She said and Kaleb made a face.

"Oh, shut up. You look like a turnip."

"Your insults are boring," Bandora told him "I'm sixteen and somehow I'm better at them then you." She said and Sadie paused at that, tilting her head at Bandora before glancing over at everyone else.

"Sixteen...? I thought I was four years older than you-" She started, but paused when the entire room groaned. "What? Isn't she?!"

"Don't...Altean aging. It's weird. Just...Don't go there." Thea sighed "She ages like...Super fast until turns twenty or something. Then she'll age super slow for the rest of her life. It's a weird, maturity thing they have." She said and Bandora smirked at her. "Besides, we're getting off track. Insulting people is _not a good thing_." Thea argued and when Kaleb scoffed, shook her head "Talis?" She asked and Talis looked around. 

"What am I supposed to do?"

" _Talis_."

"Fine, fine. Kaleb, let's take a walk." They said and grabbed Kaleb's hand. With one last glower over his shoulder, he followed, kicking the ground as he did so. "What is your problem? Sadie isn't that bad."

"Yes she is." Kaleb snapped back "She's boring and rude and only cares about rules and...Ugh. And she's only here because people think she might be the last paladin anyways. Which she can't be!" He added, voice rising "She _can't,_ Talis."

"What would be so awful if she was? You realize dad and James get along now right? It's just a joke. There is no family feud...And Nathan is lovely." They mused, leaning against the counter of one of the Garrison's kitchens they had walked into. Kaleb rolled his eyes. "Come on. Whatever happened with you two when you were kids is over. Besides, if she _is_ chosen then you still wouldn't have to spend too much time together and-"

"I don't care if I have to be around her!" Kaleb exploded "The only lion left is Red. She can't have Red. She _can't_." He gritted out and ran a hand through his hair "I don't understand - shouldn't Dora be Red's paladin? She's sort of reckless and Alfor's granddaughter." He asked, hitting the counter as he spoke. Talis paused to watch him.

"Is...Are you upset because dad and papa had red before?" They asked slowly and Kaleb rolled his eyes again "Kaleb, I can't sit here and figure out-"

"Why isn't it me?" He interrupted, silencing his sibling for a few seconds.

"I...I thought you liked Green? What are you-"

"I do! I love Green, but...." He trailed off and sighed "I'm your brother. I'm supposed to be your right hand. Not... _Her._ " He wrinkled his nose "...Plus there are a lot of girls on this team." He added quickly. Talis rolled their eyes.

"I'm not a girl."

"Yeah, but you don't have a concept of gender, Talis. I'm still outnumbered."

"I grew up around humans. I know what gender - nevermind. Stop trying to distract me." They cut themselves off "Is that what this is about? Being my right hand?" They said and Kaleb shrugged.

"I just...I thought we were kind of a team. Like, maybe if Thea or Dora were Red's paladin it wouldn't suck so much but... _Sadie_? Or Hell, even if we luck out and it isn't her then it could just be...Some stranger." He frowned and Talis grimaced at him, pushing away from the counter to slide next to him. "Don't." He warned.

"Don't what?" They asked and sighed "Kaleb...You're my brother. I'm not trying to replace you because some lion says so. I'll always be forced to listen to your horrific ideas." They told him, bumping his shoulder "Besides, according to Thea you are the _only_ person I listen to...And I'm going to need someone to listen to because piloting Black is kind of...Daunting." They admitted "I'm a little worried about it."

"Really?" Kaleb asked skeptically "You don't worry about anything."

"Good. I've been feeding you the right lies," Talis smiled "You know before dad found me...The situation wasn't great. I saw some bad stuff and...I don't know. Now it's my job to make sure that stuff doesn't happen to anyone else. There's a tiny bit of pressure there." They said and Kaleb mulled over that. Talis never really talked about...Well. Life before their family. Kaleb had kind of hoped they didn't remember most of it. "So...If there was a nerd with decent hair that could help me navigate that...I would be grateful."

"Can't help you. My hair surpasses decent."

"Sadie it is then."

" _Hey_ ," Kaleb said and hit their arm before shaking his head. "I guess it was kind of stupid...I probably shouldn't have yelled. But she is pretty terrible."

"She is not," Talis sighed and poked at his side "Hey...You know why they use the expression 'right hand man'?" They asked and before Kaleb could respond, poked him again "It's because most people are right handed and if they lost their dominant hand they would be screwed."

"I know that."

"But I'm _left_ handed." Talis pointed out and Kaleb froze. "Remind me what part of Voltron Green turns into again?"

"Holy shit. _Symbolism_." Kaleb whispered and mimicked an explosion. "Ha. Guess Sadie can suck on that-"

"I regret comforting you." Talis said and shoved his head away "Let's go back. We have to figure out how we're going to find the rest of those videos." They told him and Kaleb beamed, linking their arms. "What are you doing?"

"...Want to prank her?"

"Honestly, Kaleb. She's _not that bad_... But yes. I do."


	27. Basically Not Qualified

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "So!" She said brightly, picking up her clipboard "How are we doing today?"
> 
> "Emotionally? Physically? Spiritually?" Shiro inquired, face setting into its normal expression of determination. One would think that Shiro was answering test questions rather than attending a therapy session. Sierra smiled and passed him a peppermint in hopes of getting some relaxation out of him.
> 
> "Any of them. All of them." She suggested and Shiro nodded. He went quiet for a moment, brows coming together as he seemed to mull over his answer.
> 
> "Bad." He decided.
> 
> Sierra waited.
> 
> "How about you Lance?" Shiro asked and internally she groaned. She was not qualified for this
> 
> Or
> 
> Introducing Sierra: The world's most exhausted therapist

Sierra was in the midst of practicing acceptance.

Even though she was a therapist, that didn't always mean her mental health was... Glowing. She was a Type A personality. She liked things to go her way. To fix things. To put everything in the correct order.

Unfortunately, life didn't tend to work that way so Sierra had to work to accept what she couldn't change... And she thought she was doing really well. Until about ten minutes ago when Takashi Shirgane walked through her office door.

"So I know you mentioned you felt a little distant from your death," She said, looking through his file "Do you think we can you go into a little more as to why that is?" She asked and Shiro nodded. They had been seeing each other for about a month now. Shiro was a...An interesting patient. Sierra got the feeling he was really trying to give this a go. Which was nice. Refreshing even.

"Um…Sure," Shiro agreed, twitching a bit in the oversized armchair he was in "I don’t know. I guess the whole memory of it all is a little fuzzy. I mean, I’ve always been kind of accepting of death since I’ve been dying my entire life-"

"What?" Sierra interrupted sharply "Dying your entire life?" She repeated and Shiro shrugged.  
  
"Yeah, I had that terminal illness for awhile...Well until I died, I mean." He explained and Sierra stared. This had _not_ been in her file. How could they leave out a terminal illness? That completely changed how she would approach - okay. No. Acceptance. She would adapt. It was fine. Shiro continued. "I think It’s the reason I felt comfortable taking Matt’s place in the gladiator fights after we were captured and tortured by the galra." 

Sierra stopped flipping through her file.

"You were _what_?" She demanded, trying to keep her voice steady. Gladiator fights? Why was this the first she had been hearing about this? They had been talking for a while now. This feels like something that should have come up.

"Oh yeah… I guess that happened."

  
"Takashi," She breathed out slowly "We just spent an hour talking about how your boyfriend wearing purple socks upset you and you are just now mentioning the terminal illness and torture?" She asked and silently scolded herself for letting herself think that the fucking socks had been the root of all these problems.

  
"He knows I hate those socks."

* * *

"Can you tell me what sort of mindset you were in before you died?"

"Died is such a strong word..." Lance hummed, leg slung over the arm of the chair as he threw a smirk at him. Lance was... Well. He was a difficult one. He had been thrown into her care shortly after Shiro had when the media got a hold of his death. Quite frankly, Sierra had been shocked to learn that somebody so...Alive could have even spent a few seconds in death.

"What word do you prefer?" She asked.

"Epically napped." Lance told her with a smirk and Sierra blinked. She knew she shouldn't expect such rapid progress. Voltron had only recently come back to Earth...And it was even a shorter period where the war in general had ended. If Sierra was willing to overlook the whole 'dying' thing then she would be willing to bet there was still some psychological trauma from it all.

"I…Okay, we can come back to that later. What were you thinking right before that happened?" She asked and Lance threw a pair of finger guns her way.

"Mainly that I had to protect that ass,"  He snorted and immediately winced "I’m kidding. Please don’t tell Allura I said that. Or Keith. Especially Keith." He said and Sierra sighed, making a mental note to add in her file that he had recently started dating the Kogane kid...Another potential client of hers she was sure.

"This is all confidential. Can we maybe go back to-"

"Let’s talk about you. What conditioner do you use? Because I need to get it on my way home." Lance frowned, leaning over to examine her closely. Sierra pulled away, shaking her head at him.

"Do you think that maybe you're taking the comedic route because talking about these things is making you uncomfortable?" She suggested "Maybe you prefer humor as a coping mechanism because there is something you're avoiding." She tried. Lance stared, eyes widening a bit as he retracted his hand. He blinked a few times before sitting back in his chair.

"It's L'Oreal, isn't it?" 

"What?"

"Your conditioner. I bet it's L'Oreal."

"This isn't what we should be focusing on."

"Keep your secrets then."

* * *

Lance and Shiro both loved their boyfriends. A lot. She knew this because they talked about Adam and Keith  _constantly_. It would have been cute if it didn't get in the way of Sierra making actual progress. Luckily, the boyfriends in question were very good at being supportive. 

Unluckily... Having Keith and Adam attend those sessions were not helpful.

They basically just had dates while Sierra was in the room...She also learned Adam and Keith also needed therapists and told them as much when she sent them away.

"I tell him that too," Lance said brightly as Keith exited the room was a glare "He didn't die like I did, but I personally think he's more messed up from the alien mom who abandoned him and then came back...and his dad dying and being raised in foster homes until Shiro found him and then got blasted into space and Shiro died too and then he had to lead us and - oh! After, he joined the Blade he almost killed himself in order to save us."

Sierra closed her eyes. Deep breaths. She was not qualified for this. She wasn't. She truly was not.

"I see..." She whispered and Lance hummed.

"How did it go with Adam and Shiro?" He asked. Sierra should have figured he would know about that. The four of them were close after all. "I bet you said Adam needed therapy too. With the dying boyfriend and then his fiancé getting launched into space and then getting shot down in the middle of-"

"Lance," Sierra interrupted "How about we talk about _you_?"

"Me?" Lance asked and Sierra felt a flicker of hope when he bit his lip, eyes lowering for a moment. "Well, I had a _great_ childhood and never dated anyone with a fatal disease so..." He trailed off with a shrug.

Well. It was something.

* * *

After a while the obvious solution hit her: Joint session.

After all, Shiro and Lance were the only people in the world who might have an understanding of one another. It made sense to bring them in the same room to talk things out. Plus they knew each other well. Maybe Lance would know how to get Shiro to mention important details and Shiro could figure how to make Lance...Well, just talk about his issues in general.

It was this thought process that led to both men in the room, looking at her and then each other with trepidation.

"So!" She said brightly, picking up her clipboard "How are we doing today?"

"Emotionally? Physically? Spiritually?" Shiro inquired, face setting into its normal expression of determination. One would think that Shiro was answering test questions rather than attending a therapy session. Sierra smiled and passed him a peppermint in hopes of getting some relaxation out of him.

"Any of them. All of them." She suggested and Shiro nodded. He went quiet for a moment, brows coming together as he seemed to mull over his answer.

"Bad." He decided.

Sierra waited.

"How about you Lance?" Shiro asked and internally she groaned. She was not qualified for this

"I - wait a second," She said as Lance looked up from where he had been picking out the kit-kats from her candy jar "Shiro, why are you doing bad? Could you explain that a bit more?" She tried and the paladin looked taken aback by the question. She wasn't sure why. They had done this before.

"Oh. Um. Nightmares, I guess. I can't really sleep because of them."

Bingo. Finally. Something she could work with.

"Nightmares?" Lance asked and Sierra let a shred of hope light in her chest. Yes. _Yes_. This was working. "Do you dream about the pig who eats cows too?"

Or...Not.

"The _what_?" Shiro asked, eyes widening. "You have dreams about a pig who eats cows?"

A pause.

"No..." Lance said and went back to the candy.

Jesus Christ. Sierra forced herself to remain calm as she put her clipboard to the side (something told her there wouldn't be a lot to make note of anyways) and tried to recapture Shiro's attention.

"What kind of nightmares do you have?" She asked him. Part of her wanted to prompt him by asking if they were about his death specifically, but knew there was no point leading him there if he wasn't heading that way himself. Shiro drummed his fingers on his chair, considering for a moment.

"Well... That I'm back in the arena. Except instead of fighting aliens I'm fighting... Adam. Keith." He started and shook his head "Everyone in my family, basically."

"And who do you consider family?" She asked, knowing Shiro didn't have much of a bloodline. According to the file they gave her, his mother died when he was young (from the same disease he had been diagnosed with) and his father was out of the picture. The background information at least gave her a clearer understanding of his quick attachment to Keith who had also be left and orphaned young.

"Voltron," Shiro answered immediately "And Matt. And Adam." He said and his face brightened "Matt and Adam went to Antarctica yesterday because Matt thinks he can figure out how to make penguins fly. I'm waiting for a text back to hear the progress."

"Oh-"

"Adam said he was going to steal a penguin," Lance said casually "That's why he brought an extra suitcase."

Shiro froze.

"I need to make a phone call."

"Wait, wait, wait." Sierra said, holding up her hands. She _was_ making progress. She could do this. Even if she wasn't qualified. Because she wasn't. At all. "We can get back to that later. I would like to learn a bit more about these dreams." She said, redirecting the conversation.

"That man is about to steal a penguin, Ms. Hale." Lance shook his head "There's a life on the line and you want to talk about dreams?" He asked. Shiro grimaced, looking slightly convinced by the argument. No. _No_. She ignored him and went back to Shiro.

"Why do you think your subconscious is having you fight people you love?" She asked and the paladin only shrugged, eyes falling to his hands as he tensed up. His fingers twitched slightly. From beside him, Lance unwrapped another candy and popped it in his mouth.

"Maybe it's because you want to punch us in the face." He suggested and Sierra sighed.

"Sometimes," Shiro admitted and Lance nodded his approval. "But not normally."

"Who do you want to punch more? Me or Keith?"

"Usually _both_ of you are the reason I want to punch stuff." Shiro told him and Sierra cleared her throat. Fine. They've digressed. She would come back to that later.

"Lance? What about you?"

"I normally want to punch people who stare at Keith's ass-"

"I mean how are you doing?" She tried again and Lance rolled his eyes. Maybe she should have just let him keep going. Surely there was something she could deduce psychologically with his _obsession_ over his boyfriend's ass. Lance had already moved on, tapping a finger against his lip thoughtfully.

"I'm doing well. Knitted a new hat today-"

"For me?" Shiro asked hopefully.

"...for Pidge."

" _Ugh_ ," Shiro whined "I _died_ for you. Not Pidge."

Boom. Okay.

"Speaking of that," Sierra tried "Let's go into how we're feeling with death. I know your experiences were very different, but maybe it would be useful to try and talk about death with one another." She said and Lance rose his hand.

"Can I go to the bathroom?" He asked. Sierra closed her eyes. Okay. It was just so he could prepare himself for a conversation he was uncomfortable with. That was understandable. She nodded and the boy scrambled out of the room, practically tripping over his feet as he left. Shiro watched with interest before turning back to grab the remaining candy out of the jar Lance had already picked through.

"Do you want to go back to the nightmares?" She asked, probably too hopefully. Shiro wrinkled his nose.

"Nah, I don't mind them that much."

"You...Don't?"

"I mean... _Yes_ , but also when I have nightmares Adam kisses me a lot so...." He shrugged. Sierra pursed her lips.

"Would he say no if you _asked_ to be kissed though?"

"Not the point," Shiro dismissed and Sierra sighed. "Besides, Keith says Lance has worse nightmares." He added and before she could ask him what that meant, the doors slammed open revealing Lance (who had apparently gone to the vending machine to pick up a coke and some chips).

"You sluts are not going to fucking believe this." He announced and collapsed back on the sofa "I think my abuela used to be famous."

"Really? Why do you think that?" Shiro asked and Sierra wanted to scream.

"She called and told me so," Lance explained "I usually don't believe her, but she sent me this picture of her on a stage in front of a bunch of people so..." He said and flicked up a hologram to show a young woman beaming in front of a crowd with a banner that read 'VidCon 2020' in big, red and blue letters. Sierra nodded.

"That's very interesting, Lance." She told him "We were just going to talk about death and-"

"We don't need to do that, I'm only nineteen. And Shiro is 27. We have time," He dismissed with a wave of his hand. Shiro frowned.

"Nineteen and twenty-seven-year-olds die all the time." He pointed out. Lance scoffed, throwing himself back on one of the office couches so that his head was upside down. He pointed a finger at Shiro.

"Nah, that's something they tell you so you don't do drugs." Lance said and Sierra clasped her hands together.

"You _already_ died. That's what I want _to talk about_!"

"So here's the thing...What even _is_ death?" Lance said and Sierra pinched the bridge of her nose. She was not qualified. She wasn't. The best she could do right now is practice acceptance. She would accept the circumstances of the situation and do what she could with them.

"Excuse me?"

"I'm just saying...From a philosophical point of view. Didn't that Greek guy, Plate or whatever, say death was essentially reversed birth? So one can say I did not die at all. I just...Went back into the cosmic womb..." Lance shrugged, wiggling his fingers for effect. They all went silent for a moment, Sierra pretty much short-circuiting while Shiro stared in horror.

"Are you on _drugs_?" The older man whispered "Lance, I swear to _God-_ "

"Okay. Let's take a moment." Sierra interrupted (which, she really did try not to interrupt her patients, but Shiro and Lance always seemed to strive to make her bend her rules). "So...Lance, that theory did not actually come from _..._ well his name was _Plato_ , but I think it is interesting you are looking for a concept that keeps you away from accepting the word death." She tried and Lance laughed (as he always did when she confronted him with this stuff) and threw a pair of finger guns at her. She didn't respond.

"That's an actual theory?" Shiro asked skeptically "A reverse birth? I have some questions-"

"I'm accepting. The most accepting." Lance cut him off before punching his arm "Tell her I'm accepting."

"You're...Not though." Shiro frowned and Lance gasped in outrage, putting a hand to his chest as he glowered at his friend.

" _Takashi_."

"Yeah...You're not old enough to call me that yet." Shiro muttered and ran a hand through his hair. "Sierra?" He asked with - God bless him - a bit of hope in his voice. As if she was supposed to know what to do in this situation. Her Ph.D had not covered 'dealing with necromancy' as it was. Let alone with...Them.

"Let's regroup." She said. Lance groaned and flopped back on the couch.

"I don't understand why we have to _do this_." He moaned "Isn't there some kind of motto that says to leave shit in the past." He said and Sierra smiled tightly before gesturing at Lance's t-shirt that read _I Died for you Space Sins_.

"I don't think you're leaving it in the past."

"I...Okay, I see your point but-"

"I think Lance is depressed!" Shiro said suddenly and the room went quiet.

" _Dude_." Lance finally said "I cried into my Doritos one time-"

"Shiro, why do you think Lance is depressed?"

"Now wait a minute!" Lance said loudly "I have several points I would like to make before this goes any further. _Firstly_ , I think Shiro had PTSD."

"Yes, definitely."

"I absolutely do."

"Wow. Okay. I thought that was going to get more of a reaction... Well. Secondly, I would like to prove that I am not depressed. Can a depressed person do _this_?" He demanded and there was more silence as Lance immediately pulled out his phone to take a selfie. A few seconds later her phone buzzed to inform her that Lance's Instagram had been updated. For some unknown reason, the paladin was smirking at them smugly.

"...yes," She finally said "A depressed person _can_ do that."

Lance sat back down.

"I still don't see your point."

"You're never hungry, you can't sleep or you sleep all day, you cry at random points in time, and the most productive thing you've done all week is knit that hat...And it isn't even for me." Shiro added bitterly before turning away to cross his arms. Lance gaped, mouth opening and closing for a few minutes as he seemingly attempted to process what Shiro was saying. Sierra decided to jump in.

"Those...A lot of those are symptoms of depression, Lance. How's your mood been?"

"I can...How can you even...? I sleep all day because of _self-care!_ I deserve some time to relax after saving the universe, thank you very much! Quite frankly, I think you guys should be more supportive." He muttered and gestured to Shiro "Let's talk about him. He likes this stuff. Let's do that." He said and sunk lower into his seat, muttering in Spanish.

Well...They could come back to that when he's processed it more. Sierra turned to Shiro.

"Uh...I was thinking of learning how to play piano."

* * *

"....I'm sorry, I think I've digressed again." Shiro finished, tilting his head.

"Nah. Talking about the way Hunk pronounces tofu completely relates to your weird death." Lance informed him lazily. Sierra paused. _Weird_ death? She supposed Shiro did disintegrate but-

"How's my death weird?" Shiro snorted "You died too, remember?" He asked and Lance rolled over, nose wrinkling as he cautiously looked his friend up and down. Sierra didn't dare to move, unwilling to risk anything.

"When you did that interview when we first got back to Earth. On TV. You said your death was _quiet_."

"....it was. There was yelling and a bit of pain then. Quiet. It was like floating in water with stars." Shiro said and furrowed his brows "Wasn't it like that for you?"

A pause.

"No. No, it wasn't." Lance said and rolled over so he was staring at the ceiling "Do...Do you think we went to different places?"

Sierra could not believe this was happening. She would cry if she wasn't so scared it would ruin the conversation happening in front of her. Shiro ran a hand through his hair, glancing over at his friend.

"I don't know. Like...Heaven and Hell or something?" He asked and shook his head "I don't...It didn't feel like I was in Heaven. Maybe I was in limbo?" He tried and snapped his fingers "My soul was also in the black lion so that probably had something to do with it." He added and Lance hummed, fingers working circles into his knee as he thought.

"So...Does that mean I experienced real death?" He asked and Shiro paused. He looked over at Sierra.

"We can't be certain about what you experienced. What... Would you want it to be real death?" She asked and suddenly something clicked. A reason why Lance had been so desperate to avoid the situation. "Does it bother you knowing that you're going to have to go through it again?"

Of course. Of _course,_ that was the issue. Shiro shifted uncomfortably and it occurred to her that it had been his issue too. Shiro had spent his whole life dying. This was nothing to him. He could be told he would die tomorrow and it would feel as numb and empty to him as it had the last time someone told him that. How could he not be? He had been told he would die thousands of other times whether it be from disease, torture, slavery, or war. Of course, things like being tortured or deathly ill seemed insignificant to him. He lived with that fear constantly. 

What was dying one more time to the man who practically Prometheus?

Lance on the other hand...

"I mean...There's no...No guarantee, right?" Lance asked, voice strangely small "Science is always progressing. And now we have aliens and quintessence and stuff. So we can probably figure out ways to...To at least transfer our souls somewhere nice, right? I probably won't ever have to go through it again." Lance told them and rolled over so he could meet their gazes "Personally, I would love to have my soul put into a coconut."

Sierra would consider this a breakthrough.

"I think I might be depressed." Lance muttered and rose an eyebrow "I bet you two didn't even _notice_ because I hid it so well."

"Lance," Shiro sighed "I love you, I accept you, and I have no right to criticize because I am also in a place where I am dealing with stuff."

"Thank you."

"I wasn't finished," Shiro said and put a hand on his shoulder "You're a fucking mess."

"Hypocrite."

"I prefaced it with the fact I'm also dealing with stuff," Shiro shrugged and popped another peppermint in his mouth "For example, I might go back home to find a penguin in my house. My house which is located in the desert." He added and pinched his nose "Jesus Christ, they're morons."

"Don't worry, Adam plans on funding some sort of sanctuary where they keep the penguins while trying to teach them new tricks before sending them back to Antarctica. It's apparently larger than three state fairgrounds put together and will be entirely made up of ice." Lance told him "He just texted me he plans to use them as an army and when he teaches them to fly that he'll be able to call them from Antarctica to defeat his enemies."

Silence.

"Has he just...Forgotten about Atlas and the giant space lions?" Sierra frowned. Lance shrugged. "It seems to me those could do the job too."

"Try telling him that," Lance snorted and stretched. "Are we done? Cause I have to finish knitting that hat and because I definitely won't be sleeping tonight... I need to make plans to cut Keith's hair." He informed them and Sierra only smiled, giving a bright wave.

"See you next week!" She called as he disappeared. She looked at Shiro who was still frozen in his seat.

"Am I ready to emotionally take care of these penguins?" He whispered. Sierra paused before slowly turning to the clock on her desk. Technically they still had fifteen minutes of time blocked off. She looked back at Shiro who was whiter than she had ever seen him. Death did not inspire fear in this man, but penguin upkeep did. Figures. She pulled her clipboard on her lap.

"Why don't you think you're emotionally ready?" She began, uncapping her pen.

Sierra may not be qualified...but damn if she wasn't going to make progress or lose her mind while trying.

"They're just so small-"

She was definitely going to lose her mind.


	28. Basically the Drunk History of Voltron

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "....so I was kidnapped by furries and-"
> 
> "Furries?" The producer asked from somewhere off camera. Shiro took a sip of his drink and nodded, an air of stoicism as he looked around. "I - do you mean the galra?"
> 
> Shiro shrugged.
> 
> "So I was kidnapped by the furries and they were like 'yo. You have to fight to death.' and I was like 'Jokes on you. I'm dying anyways!' and Haggar was like 'what? No way man! You have a good bod. I'm going to clone that ass and give you a pimped out arm'."
> 
> "That's...That's what she told you?" The producer asked, choking on laughter and Shiro nodded. 
> 
> Or
> 
> Shiro agrees to do a drunk retelling of the history of Voltron. The universe is grateful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk how many of you watch Drunk History videos but i highly recommend. They are very educational.

"So...It is the year....The year, um... The year that it happened. And I was going to space. Matt was all like 'my dad is going to yeet into the galaxy and I'm going too' which was...Not cool because Matt is a _cheater_ and was only going cause his dad was going, but then they said I could go too so it was all okay. _Except_ Adam was like 'Takashi no!'" He mimicked in a ridiculously deep voice "'You will  _die_!' and I, well, bitch I  _am_ dying so I at least got to go out with some pizazz, you know? Plus I  _love_ Adam and I didn't want him to see me  _die_! He has to remember me at my hottest, you know? So he was basically saying that if I go that we had to break up....Which. We  _did_ , but we're married now so who is the real winner? Me. I am." Shiro said and rose his glass up. 

In front of him was an army of cameras all pointed at the couch he was lounged in as a man sat across from him, occasionally gesturing for more drinks. He glanced over towards the group surrounding them and gave the paladins a thumbs up as they all collapsed on another sofa off camera, rolling their eyes at Shiro. Pidge seemed particularly gleeful at the older man already clearly drunk at her arrival.

"Anyways, so we go in space and then there are aliens. And at first we were like 'whoooo! Aliens' but then a few seconds later we were like 'nooooo! Aliens' cause they were not nice aliens....so I was kidnapped by furries and-"  
  
"Furries?" The man across from him asked, whipping back around to give his full attention. Keith muttered something unkind somewhere off-camera as Hunk loudly giggled. Shiro took a sip of his drink and nodded, an air of stoicism as he looked around. "I - do you mean the galra?"  
  
Shiro shrugged.  
  
"So I was kidnapped by the furries and they were like 'yo. You have to fight to death.' and I was like 'Jokes on you. I'm dying anyways!' and Haggar was like 'what? No way man! You have a good bod. I'm going to clone that ass and give you a pimped out arm'."  
  
"That's...That's what she told you?" The man asked, face turning slightly red as he held back laughter and Shiro nodded.

"Yes. Then we had to fight in this arena thing, which was scary...And they were going to send _Matt_ out first. Matt is like. A tiny, itty bitty, little Matt! I know he's all big _now_ , but back then he was like a _shrimp_. A tiny baby thing. So I just went roar and took his place."

"You...Went roar?"

"I did," Shiro sighed "So then I fought people, but then I was like 'I don't want to fight people' so I escaped and came back to Earth."

"I see."

"Then I woke up and Keith was there! You know, I _raised him_." Shiro nodded "I did a good job." He added with a smug smile and took another sip of his gin tonic "And I met Lance and Hunk and Pidge and on the outside I went 'Hi...I'm Shiro' but on the _inside_ I was like 'Fuck, fuck, fuck why am I the only adult here? They're so small, fuck. I came to Earth to get help and I _get these woodland animals_?"

"Hey!" Pidge's voice yelled and Shiro shrugged.

"And Keith, being...Keith didn't want to go get help so he just brought us to this random shack - which why wasn't he with Adam? I didn't know! And he was bang, bang, bang. I did some sleuthing and found a fucking _giant space robot_. And...What am I supposed to do in this situation? I want to go 'hey guys, why don't we mention this to adult people' but the adult people had strapped me to a table so really I was like 'fuck it I don't even care'....Except I did care because Lance was able to fly the giant blue lion and then were suddenly blasted into fucking space again. I was so tired. And Lance piloted like a maniac." Shiro said and at the mention of Lance's initial piloting, grimaced "Can I get more vodka?" He asked, raising his glass.

* * *

"...now you can imagine my confusion when these fucking _Lord of the Rings_ elves just fall out of a space coffin. And they have British and Australian accents and I just... Have I mentioned I was tired?"

"You have, yes."

"Well by this point I was _very_ tired and this random princess from this random planet starts telling us we're supposed to pilot giant lions and save the universe. Which...Quite frankly, I had other things to do. I had a 401k back on Earth. Bills to pay. And to be perfectly honest... the universe ending didn't sound _terrible_. But I'm not allowed to say anything because I'm stuck with a bunch of fucking _children_ and I have to be mature." He groaned "So when Allura starts assigning us lions, I keep my fingers crossed that I get the lion of...like...Tranquility." He yawned and shook his head "Nah, didn't happen." He grumbled "Pretty sure Allura chose by our clothes too. She had just met us! How would she know?" He moaned "Anyways...So like. I go with Pidge to get the green lion, right? Which - I feel like _she_ got the chillest lion which isn't fair because _she isn't chill_. Actually, maybe Hunk did..." He mused and clicked his tongue "Anyways, we went to this sweet planet and we're all like 'this is super cool! There's a giant sloth guy!' and it was all nice and stuff-"

* * *

"And Pidge was like 'I'm Katie Holt' and I'm just there...I mean. No _fucking shit_. The picture she showed us was _literally her and Matt_. Which was so confusing. Imagine meeting someone who appears identical to your presumed dead best friend and then she just shows you the same picture that your best friend had framed in your dorm room and claims that's her. This girl is a _genius_. An actual smarty-pants. And she didn't think I would figure that one out? I've seen her brother cry over the Bachelor. I've seen her brother show me like...a hundred of Katie's baby pictures. I've seen her brother randomly dance in a grocery store so I could illegally buy lottery tickets. And she didn't think I would figure it out!?" He yelled "I _raised_ that boy!"

"Listen, dude," Pidge's voice called out "I was low on resources here. It isn't my fault I look like Matt. I was kind of depending on you to not rat me out. I'm lucky you're so ride or die." She said and the camera turned to her as she pointed at Shiro "Which was _awesome_ by the way."

" _Matt_?! What are you doing here?"

"It's Pidge..."

"For the love of - stop looking the same. Just stop it. You haunted me the entire time I was on the team. I kept wanting to punch you in the dick, but then I remembered you were a baby child you didn't have a dick."

"Wait - _what_?!"

"...sometimes I punched Matt in the dick if he was particularly annoying. It was confusing in space." Shiro whispered "So. Confusing."

"You really see a different side of people when they're drunk," Allura murmured as she sipped a margarita "Humans. Your bodies are so weak."

"You can't handle spicy food, Allura." Lance reminded her dryly "Which is shameful in my culture - just so you know." He said and Allura took a long breath, grumbling in her drink.

"You put something extra in mine..." She tried and Hunk could only pat her arm consoling as Shiro continued to try and tell his story.

* * *

"....Oh! And Lance got blown up. Only not really. He like...Dove in front of Coran cause he was like 'there's Rover... NO ROVER' and then....Boom." Shiro explained, using his hands to make explosion effects "And so we walk in and I was like 'Oh my fucking god. He's fucking dead' and Allura is like 'THE CRYSTAL!'"

"Allura didn't care that Lance was dead?"

"Nope. And I was all like _damn_ that's cold as Hell, but I wasn't going to say anything about it. I figured I was already dying so she might just find my dead body one day and step over it on her way to get food goo or something. I wasn't going to anger her." He shrugged and there was spluttering from behind the camera.

" _Shiro_!" Allura yelled from off-stage "I didn't see him at first!"

"Oh. _Oh_! Okay, so she hadn't seen him yet." Shiro said "And so I pick up Lance and just kind of...Um, flop him over my shoulder...He was so small. But big. But also so small. I felt like I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulder...But it was just Lance. I also remember he smelled like flowers and I was so fucking confused because how the fuck did he manage that? We were in space. We didn't pack anything. Did he find perfume? Where? Allura and Coran didn't smell like flowers. It was so fucking weird. Does...Does Lance just _naturally_ smell like flowers?" He asked and then sat up "KEITH! Hey...KEITH! Does Lance always smell like flowers?!" He called and there was a rumble from the audience.

"I... The world doesn't need to know that, Shiro." Keith called "Stop talking about Lance."

"HE DOES!" Pidge called "He smells like flowers right now!"

"SEE!" Shiro yelled "How does he _do_ that? It's so weird. Him and I are going to talk about that later. Anyways....uh...I kind forget what happens next in the story."

"Weren't you there?"

"Yeah, but I was thinking about other things."

"During...During the battle?"

"Yeah. I was trying to remember if I was going to have to my electricity bill cause I left the lights on in my apartment - oh! Sendak!" He yelledm snapping his fingers before reaching over to grab another drink "Right. So Lance is over there being dead and we're all _get Sendak_! And then suddenly he's going to win when we hear a _pow, pow, pow_! And guess what? Lance was _alive_! He shot Sendak and immediately died again."

"Wow."

"I _know_. And Pidge comes to help me up and Keith cradles Lance."

"Oh? Was that their first romantic encounter."

"I mean. Keith was all like 'yo. Are you okay?' and Lance was all 'we did it....we do make a good team...'" Shiro said, mimicking Lance as a breathless fainting damsel. "And then Keith was looking at him like 'he's totally going to kiss me, right?' except Lance didn't because he decided to take another nap so Keith was just holding him like 'bruh. We were going to be gay!' and it was sad because Lance said later that it didn't happen and Keith cried himself to sleep."

" _I did not_!"

"Oh...I guess he didn't.... _Except he did_."

* * *

"Well Zarkon was like 'the Black lion is my bitch' and I was like 'oh my _God_ dude. She dumped you forever ago because you look like a fish taco!' and then we fought like bam. Bam. Bam!" He said, punching the air. "It was totally intense."

"Totally?"

" _Totally_." Shiro said "And I died and part of me was like _finally_. Because I've been waiting for this to happen for years now. Granted, I didn't expect to go out being disintegrated, but whatever. But the other half of me was like _Jesus Christ I left the kids_....Now, I know I mentioned that I told Keith he was supposed to lead Voltron after I died, but I also knew Keith was a _brat_ and would be difficult. So eventually, I am chilling on the astral plane and Black is like 'look...they are trying to find a new pilot for me' and when Keith gets in he's all like 'please...no' and I'm just like _'fuck yes, you piece of shit! Your turn to be the responsible one!'_ and it was a little satisfying to see the panic." He sighed "I knew he would do a good job, though. He was nervous, but then Lance went and was gay and he felt better."

"Lance...Lance did what?"

"Hm? Keith was looking up all edgy at Black and Lance comes up and is 'hey man'" Shiro mimicked in a suave voice "And said some nice shit and Keith was like 'Go Voltron! Let's battle these bullies!' and everything was fine."

"So...That was their second romantic encounter?"

"Why don't you mind your own damn business!" Keith yelled somewhere offstage and Shiro shrugged.

"You guys don't even know about how Keith didn't realize Lance was the kid that set next to him in my class for a whole fucking year," Shiro muttered and a few whispers went around the studio as Keith audibly groaned "Anyways. What was I saying?"

"Um. Keith and Lance were being gay?"

"You have to be more specific than that. I have seen a lot of that in my time."

"DAMN RIGHT YOU HAVE!" Lance yelled and there was a yelp "Don't pinch me!"

"LANCE!" Shiro called "Why do you smell like flowers? I don't understand... I don't _understand-"_

* * *

"And he's just so great, you know? He's always been there. He's the best friend who anyone can ask for. He is _so perfect_ and I don't even think he _knows_. How can he? How can he know that?" Shiro sighed, running a hand over his face "God. I need...I need to call him so he knows." He muttered and pulled out his phone "Is it okay if I call him?"

"...sure."

"Good." Shiro nodded and pulled out his phone. After a few beeps there was some ringing from the audience. Shiro didn't seem to notice.

_"Hi Shiro."_

"Hunk! You are so great! You are the only paladin who didn't give me shit to worry about...God, you are my favorite."

" _That's...So sweet, Shiro. You know I'm here, right?"_

"What?!" Shiro gasped and turned to look around "Hunk is here!"

"Shiro, we got to get back to the interview. You can say hi to Hunk later."

"Oh...Okay," Shiro sighed and settled back in his seat "What was the question again?"

"What was your leadership style?"

"Crying and lying."

"Wow. Did you purposely make it rhyme?"

"Yeah...When things rhyme they hurt less."

* * *

"And Keith was all ' _this is how I lead_!' and cried himself to sleep." Shiro said and rolled his eyes, accepting the water he was now given. From the audience there was another huff.

"Stop saying that, Shiro!"

"Sorry, Keith....So Keith was all _'this is how I lead!_ ' and cried himself to sleep."

"Fuck you."

"And then Lance was like....'Keith. No.' and Keith was like 'Fine.' and they held hands for awhile."

"No, we didn't."

"You didn't?" Shiro said, still searching for the direction Keith's voice was coming from.

"No."

"But I remember that."

"You weren't even _there_!"

"My soul was kind of there." Shiro informed them and shook his cup "Hey...Pretty sure this is water. Am I tasting wrong?"

"No, we gave you water."

"That was probably very smart." Shiro murmured and took a sloppy sip out of the cup "Anyways, anyways, anyways...Where was I?" He murmured "Keith was being all moody and mad-"

"You were _dead_ , Shiro. I'm sorry that I was moody and mad." Keith's voice came and this time the camera swiveled around to show him sprawled out on the couch, head in Lance's lap as he scowled in his brother's direction. Upon realizing the cameras had turned he jolted up, flicking the crew off "Don't film me!"

"He's still moody and mad." Shiro informed everyone solemnly. "He was moody and mad when I found him. That's just how he is. Like how Lance just smells like flowers. There's no explanation."

* * *

"And then I was alive."

"That's it?"

"Um. Pretty much. I got Kuron's memories though and that sucked because Kuron was just me, but kind of evil sometimes. I think he just wanted some coffee too... So shout out to him. But also he was mean to Lance, so - oh. _Oh_. Lance! Lance, where are you? We never talked about that! Kuron was mean to you!"

"What?" Keith asked and camera swerved around to show Lance with wide eyes shaking his head. Pidge gave Shiro a thumbs up.

"Kuron was a dick sometimes," She said "Remember when he yelled at Lance and told him to stay out of it when he tried to give his opinion?" She asked "Boo Kuron."

"He _apologized_ ," Lance pointed out "I think the main problem was that he tried to _murder Keith_ and said terrible things about-"

"Yeah, whatever. Why didn't you tell me that he was mean to you?" Keith interrupted "Shiro, what else did the bitch say?"

"It actually, like legitimately, wasn't a huge deal. At all. He was cool. I liked Kuron." Lance said and gaped when Shiro held up his hands, putting down his water and gesturing for a shot glass and tequila. After downing a shot, he leaned forward.

"You smell like flowers Lance. You deserve better."

"I'm not sure-"

"Sit back and relax everyone. Kuron may have been trying his best, but I still have dirt on him. I'm about to let you know all of Kuron's top ten Shiro fails. Including when he tried to pull off a _ridiculous_ haircut-"

"I kind of liked that haircut," Hunk mused and Pidge rose an eyebrow "It was very brooding."

* * *

"So I'm sitting there, my hair white as Hell, just came back from actual death and Keith is chilling above me - and you know what that _bitch_ does?"

"Well...No. Please tell us."

"He's holding me, right? As one does when someone is resurrected and probably not a full capacity yet. And I'll admit, part of me is annoyed. I just can't catch a break and I was willing to bet those assholes had brought me back _just_ in time for the hard shit. But nevermind that, because Keith suddenly just fucking drops me on the ground of this random ass planet and stands up. He just _stands up_ \- looks into nothing and goes 'we're going home' in this dramatic ass voice."

"Oh God."

"Like yo. What the fuck? And he has the _nerve_ to try and tell people he's not dramatic. After he dumped my newly revived ass on that dusty floor to stand up and announce to the fucking void that we're going home. I just woke up from death. I didn't know what the Hell was going on. It would have been nice if someone told _me_ we were going home. But no. I was just on the ground like 'yeah! That sounds great guys! Thanks for bringing me back!'. Absolute betrayal." Shiro shook his head. "Anyways so we went back to Earth...Oh! I met Keith's mom. Her name is Krolia. I tried to be super cool about it, but inside I was just like... _really_? You know? I bet you know. You totally know." Shiro shook his head, stirring his iced water with a straw.

"I...Actually don't know," The host told him "Tell me."

"Well she was all - hi, I'm Keith's mom and I spent two years with him on a space whale. And I'm just like. Having _just_ gotten up from being dead and I don't know anything about this woman. My first thought was I was going to have to fight her. I have no context of the situation. Part of me just wants to go 'where the _fuck_ have you been?' because...It was a valid question. But I couldn't say that because Keith was there and ugh. Kids." He rolled his eyes. "But Krolia turned out to be pretty cool - but I hope she knows how I  _struggled_."

"I'm sure she appreciates you keeping her son alive in the war-"

"Fuck that. Keith is an amazing fighter. I'm talking about the days I had trick the brat into eating broccoli." Shiro grumbled "Sure, she comes along when he's nice and mature. Fan-fucking-tastic for her. She wasn't there for puberty." He grumbled and held up his hands "Which _reminds me_ \- Colleen and Sam Holt. I know that you did not intend for your fourteen-year-old daughter to join me on a space journey. But holy mother of _God_." He said and rose both hands together "That...That was scary. Do you know how to respond to a small child walking up and asking where to get space tampons? Because I sure as Hell didn't. I've never even had a girlfriend! I don't even know how tampons _work_."

"Shiro. Shiro. _Shiro move on_." Pidge screeched, hitting Lance as he laughed in the background. " _Move on."_

"Oh, hi Pidge." Shiro waved and took another sip of water. "And _Lance_. I lived in constant fear of him stealing my eyeliner. I swear every time I thought it was safe..." He crossed his arms "Rude. So rude. Shouldn't have even been surprised he decided to be a thief in that game..." He grumbled and pinched the bridge of his nose. "You want to know what's weird? Of course you do. Lance had a cow on the spaceship. Like a _cow_."

"Yes, we're familiar with the cow."

"And he would spend all day with the damn cow _and still smell like flowers_. It's ridiculous. It actually pisses me off. How does he do it?"

* * *

"Obviously, I was super sad when I found out Adam died. But, like...Also, part of me was kind of angry? Because let me tell you something about my husband - who I love - jot that down."

"We're recording this."

" _Good_. Okay, so here's the deal. Adam was always on my ass about staying alive and he just...Dies? He _dies_? _Before_ me? That's some bullshit. I was not happy about it. Had some words with his tombstone...but then it turned out he was alive so, uh, I guess that was unwarranted. My bad." Shiro said and chuckled "You know what's crazy? Keith is technically an adult now. What's that all about? You know when he was little he used to come in my room because he was scared of the dark."

"No, no, no-" Keith yelped "Someone stop him!"

"He also microwaved a shoe once because he was mad at Adam."

"Uh, so actually let's not talk about that-"

"Oh! Also, before Lance was a thing he _definitely_ has a crush on this boy-"

"SHIRO SHUT UP!" Keith shrieked and Lance immediately pulled him back down, trying to cover his mouth with his hand.

"No! Elaborate on everything you just said - especially the boy! Don't leave anything out about him!" He said and Keith moaned as Shiro nodded eagerly.

"Well, Keith had decided to ask for kissing advice and that was a pretty big tip-off..."

"Oh my _God_ ," Pidge giggled as Keith collapsed into Lance's lap, yelling loudly. "Dude. _Kissing advice_?" She giggled "Who was this guy?"

"Shiro, please. _Please stop_." Keith begged, looking up before turning his gaze to the host "Make him stop! He's drunk, he doesn't know that he's ruining my life right now." He tried and there was a shrug from the man before he turned and tried to distract Shiro. Lance and Allura booed.

"Okay, so uh. I think that's all I have to say. We saved the universe. It was fun...Not really, but yeah." Shiro yawned and rubbed his eyes. "Can I sleep here? I think I'm going to...Okay, yeah. Good work everyone." He said and curled up o the couch "See you tomorrow." 

"We have a car to get you home..."

"It's okay. It's quiet here." Shiro said and when Keith walked on the stage, cracked an eye open. "You grew up. You betrayed me. Perish." He told him and closed his eyes again. Keith sighed. 

"Come on, we got to go home." He tried and clicked his tongue "Lance is going to tell us how he always smells like flowers in the car." He tried and and Shiro shot up so fast, he fell off of the couch. 

"LANCE WAIT UP!" He yelled and stumbled off stage, Keith practically sprinting after him to keep the man from face planting. " _EXPLAIN THE FLOWERS!"_ Came a shriek from offstage, followed by a sound of something shattering. "Oh fuck." 

* * *

**Credits**

**Story Told By**

Takashi Shirogane of Atlas (Prior leader of Voltron)

**Filmed, Directed and Edited by**

Walter Bros. Studios 

**Starring**

Voltron 

**Script Supervisor (aka Improv)  
**

Takashi Shirogane

* * *

"...Keith? Keith I think I'm hungover-" Shirt whispered as he blearily blinked up in the darkness of his room. He could make out Keith's figure by the door, creepily peering over at him. Shiro opened his mouth to call again and immediately yelled when a bunch of pots and pans started banging together. "WHY?!"

"WANT TO TALK ABOUT ME AS A KID NOW?!" Keith yelled from the doorway "HAVE ANY CHILDHOOD STORIES YOU WANT TO SHARE?!"

"Adam. Help." Shiro whispered, covering his eyes with his arm as the banging continued. 

" _Keith put the weapons down_!" Lance's voice yelled "ADAM COME SAVE YOUR HUSBAND!" 

"I have dirt on you too...Don't you ever forget that." Keith whispered as Lance dragged him away. "YOU SAID YOU WOULDN'T TELL ANYONE ABOUT THE SHOE!"

Mental Reminder: He was definitely going to post the full shoe story online later as revenge for this. Groaning, he rolled over. Where was Adam? He needed comfort and water and Tylenol and maybe a hitman. 

His prayers were answered a few moments later when he felt a hand rub his back.

"I want to die." He moaned.

"Not surprising. I hear that you drank more than any guest on the show," Adam told him and hopped into bed. "Are you okay?"

"No," Shiro said into the pillow and Adam snorted before throwing a blanket over both of them. "I'm  _never drinking again_." He whispered. Adam hummed in sympathy.

"Well... That might be a good thing because the studio asked  _all_ the paladins if they wanted to give their drunk interpretations since yours went so well. So it looks like we're going to have to deal with someone being wasted once a week." 

"Pidge is so small. She'll die."

"I'm more interested to see if they can actually get Allura drunk," Adam mused and laid down "In the meantime...I need to find a way to get on that show so I have an excuse to just talk shit on TV with no consequences." He mused. "Think I can give the drunk history of dating you?"

"How would that go?"

"Well....It all started when Takashi walked by and I was like  _damn_. But then he opened his mouth and I was like...damn."

"How dare you?"

"If you listen to the rest I'll bring you Tylenol."

"Ugh, whatever. Go ahead." Shirt grumbled, rolling over so he could bury his face in Adam's side as the other man ran fingers through his hair. Nice. 

"I remember the day clearly. A Monday. The sky was clear even if my conscience wasn't. I was in my uniform for the first time and I looked _amazing_..." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I always thought it was funny that the picture she showed everyone in the show was literally her and Matt so Shiro was probably standing there like "??????"


	29. Basically the Drunk History of Voltron (Part 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I’m not drunk! I could kill a man I’m so sober,” Keith informed him, pointing a not so steady finger at him “But Voltron? What - Oh! Yes. Lions and shit. Um...okay, so it all started when Shiro decided to fuck off to space. He just was....poof.” Keith explained, holding out his wine glass “And I waited for him to poof back but the bitch didn’t. So now I had to go and find him...So I go to Iverson like ‘where’s the boy’ and he’s like ‘sorry it’s classified’ and I’m just like ‘maybe your mom is classified’ and bopped him in the eye like pow pow!” He said with a demonstration. The host nodded.
> 
> "Wow.”
> 
> ”It was crazy,” Keith shrugged “So I got kicked out. Don’t tell Shiro though. That’s...don’t tell him. He’ll ground me or something.” He grumbled and took another sip of wine “So then I’m sitting there like ‘well now the fuck what?’ And decide to be a reasonable person and hide out in a shack in the middle of the desert for a little bit.”
> 
> Or
> 
> Now Keith does a drunk retelling of Voltron... Sort of. He also likes talking about Lance a lot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hadn't actually been planning on writing one of these for everyone y'all lol. But who am I to deny the people?

“I’m not even drunk. This...this is so stupid and I’m not even drunk so I’m not going to say drunk things. So there.”

”Hello to you too, Keith. How much have you drank so far?” A host asked, sitting down in a chair across from the sofa Keith was currently sprawled in, talking to nobody and everyone all at once. The man paused in his ramblings to glower dark eyes at the man before shrugging.

”I don’t like you. You...you’re a suspicious one. With your questions and your...inquiries. I will say I had uh...only a little bit to drink. Some wine and then some gin with coke...and then a screwdriver, which Lance said was just Vodka and orange juice.” He explained and reached up to the ceiling as if to touch it.

”Wow...do you normally drink that much?”

”No! No, I don’t drink a lot so it’s super weird that I’m not even drunk! Here, I’m going to have some more wine because I’m not even that drunk...Hey is Lance here?” He asked, looking around “I...I don’t see him. Okay. I have to tell you a secret...” He said, lowering his voice dramatically “I’m in love him.”

" _Really_?”

”I know,” Keith shrugged “It’s so crazy. Sometimes I kiss him and I’m just like...wow. He smells like flowers and I get to kiss him and hold his hand and he smiles at me...” He shook his head and took another sip of wine. "Also, he doesn't know this, but we're going to get married soon. Don't tell him though. It's going to be a surprise." He added and from somewhere off-stage there was excited murmuring.

“Wouldn't he know about that already? You are much more open when you’re drunk. We were actually hoping to hear about Voltron though-“

”I’m not drunk! I could kill a man I’m so sober,” Keith informed him, pointing a not so steady finger at him “But Voltron? What - Oh! Yes. Lions and shit. Um...okay, so it all started when Shiro decided to fuck off to space. He just was....poof.” Keith explained, holding out his wine glass “And I waited for him to poof back but the bitch didn’t. So now I had to go and find him...So I go to Iverson like ‘where’s the boy’ and he’s like ‘sorry it’s classified’ and I’m just like ‘maybe your _mom_ is classified’ and bopped him in the eye like pow pow!” He said with a demonstration. The host nodded.

"Wow.”

”It was crazy,” Keith shrugged “So I got kicked out. Don’t tell Shiro though. That’s...don’t tell him. He’ll ground me or something.” He grumbled and took another sip of wine “So then I’m sitting there like ‘well now the fuck what?’ And decide to be a reasonable person and hide out in a shack in the middle of the desert for a little bit.”  He explained and the doors opened, letting the rest of Voltron file in. Keith sat up, eyes wide as he managed to locate his friends and beam. "There they are!" He yelled and waved "Hi! Hi guys!"

"Hi Keith!" Hunk laughed as he sat down in the space dedicated for them. "Did you have a little bit to drink?"

"Yeah! But I'm not even drunk! It's so weird... Hey, Lance can you come sit with me?" Keith added and moved over on the sofa. "I'm telling them about stuff - come over here." He tried and Lance snorted before looking over at the producer who shook his head.

"Sorry, babe. I have to stay over here. I'll come sit with you afterwards." He promised and Keith's face fell before he sank back into the sofa and took another sip of wine, pouting as he did so. Pidge giggled, the camera turning to show a huge smile on her face as she leaned over to one of the camera women to ask if she could have the raw footage of this while Shiro waved to get Keith's attention.

"I'm here too!" He called and Keith rolled his eyes, leading to Shiro to splutter. " _Excuse me_?"

"You. Are. So. _Mean_." Keith told him, sitting back up and Shiro looked torn between laughing and being offended "Do you know how hard it is to keep you alive?" He turned to the host "Do you know how hard it is? It's so hard. The hardest. I was on Earth for _months_ looking for him. I found a _giant space robot lion thing_ before I found him. Why was it easier to find that giant space robot and not Shiro? Ugh, he makes me so mad!" Keith grumbled and held out his glass for more wine. Clearly, he had a preference for it.

"So that was what you were doing in the, uh, shack? Looking for Shiro?" The host asked, redirecting him to the original prompt. Keith nodded, throwing one last dirty look at Shiro.

"I spend most of my time looking for him..." He muttered and sighed " _Then_ the idiot just zooms from the sky. And Iverson straps him to a table! Which was rude - just because he got bad hair and a scar didn't mean they had to strap him to a table."

"It might have actually been the metal arm that worried them, Keith."

"That metal arm isn't _shit_. That metal arm is a bitch." Keith exclaimed loudly, ignoring Pidge's growing laughter in the background. "I've seen that metal arm. I've _fought_ that metal arm. It thinks that it's all badass because it's metal, but guess what? I can grow claws. Can his stupid arm do _that_?" Keith demanded and the host looked a little taken aback by the strong arm opinions.

"Uh, I think we got a little off-track here-"

"You know what's more metal than that metal arm? Me. I'm metal."

"This," Pidge breathed out "Is the best thing that has ever happened to me."

* * *

"...then Lance is all like 'The name's Lance' and I'm sitting there trying to be cool. Because I'm trying to rescue Shiro and that's important, but this hot boy just decides to start a conversation and I'm freaking out... And it's so hard because yeah he's definitely hot, but I'm not a fan of anything he's saying or doing or being so..." He shrugged and Lance made a noise of offense from off-stage. "But that's okay, because I didn't really know him back then and he's was all 'we're _rivals_ ' and I'm just kind of like 'well, damn. That's some heterosexual bullshit' and moved on." He grumbled and took another sip of wine.

"Also, he brought these two peeps with him and I have no idea who the fuck these people are. I came here for Shiro and I'm stuck with a loud hot guy, this teeny tiny green blob - who I think I met before, and the human equivalent of a very sick marshmallow." He said throwing up his hands and Pidge instantly started complaining that she was _not a blob_. "So I take them back to my shack and feeling a little nervous because this is the first time I've had guests over, you know? My shack was supposed to be a secret. I didn't clean up or anything. I had no snacks."

"An important concern when you're running from the government."

"You get it!" Keith yelled and groaned "I think I'm starting to feel the alcohol a little bit."

* * *

"Here's the thing: I love dogs. Dogs are _the best_. They don't ever leave like moms or Shiros and they are always happy to see you and are perfect. And Lance is clearly a dog. Like, he's the most dog person I know."

"I'm...Not sure how I feel about this...." Lance muttered "And _I'm_ the one people call a furry?"

"So deep down inside, I _want_ him to _not_ hate me. But also, this dumbass just lost his lion because Nyma batted her eyes at him. You see my issue? It was such an issue..." He grumbled "Then he's all like 'Thank you, Keith' and my chest is just like 'shit, shit, shit, _shit_ ' so when he asked me to come get him I had to be like 'no' - there was no other option!"

"Wait...So who freed him?"

"I mean, I did _eventually_. I just had to make sure he didn't think I was too eager, you know? He might know that I thought he was cute if I came over to quickly. I have an _image_ to keep. I've been alone for most of my life. I needed to act cool and suave and unshakeable." Keith explained and the host stared at him for a few moments "What?"

"I...We're just learning a lot about right now." He said slowly and Keith cocked his head, brows pinching together in confusion as he accepted yet another glass of wine (which the person explained was _clear_ wine that was very new and rare because it tasted just like water).

"Like what?"

"You're...Kind of a dork."

"I can beat your ass in six different ways. I could beat your ass while drunk. Someone get me more clear wine - I need to be drunk so I can beat this guy's ass-"

* * *

" _He was such a jerk_!"

"It sounds like a reasonable request-"

"No," Keith interrupted "It was _not_. Where is Shiro? SHIRO!" He yelled and stood up only to immediately fall back onto the couch "I have a bone to pick with you!" He called and turned back to the host "I'll admit, I really missed Adam sometimes. Because usually Adam goes 'Takashi stop talking about dying. You are not going to die.' and stuff. But Adam _wasn't_ there so I was sitting there, trying to keep us both alive on this dumbass planet like 'what the _fuck_?'...And I didn't even want to lead Voltron! That's important to know."

"...you didn't?"

"No! You people thought I _did_? Leading Voltron was my worst nightmare. I did not want to do it at _all_. I told Shiro that but - between you and me - he is an awful listener. When I was a kid I told him I didn't want to do my homework...He didn't listen. I told him I didn't like Adam... He didn't listen. I told him I didn't want to lead Voltron... _He didn't fucking listen_. God." Keith grumbled, running a hand over his face.

"I think we were under the impression you were just nervous about leading. Not that you didn't want to do it."

"I like doing things by myself - and I like it when I'm _not_ responsible for whether or not my friends get hurt. Do you know how scary that is? If I do something wrong and people get hurt then that's _my fault_. Like. What happened to democracy? Or - wait - communism? Maybe I'm thinking of communism. Because then we would _all_ do the same thing and...Wait... HEY LANCE!" Keith called and Lance shook his head from his place on the couch next to Allura.

"I don't think this this translates well, babe."

"Huh. Okay. Well, anyways. At this point Shiro was alive so I didn't have to lead and everything was fine..."

* * *

"....he was kind of mad."

"Oh?"

"Well, okay. So at this point - I had totally not even a _little_ crush on Lance anymore. He didn't like me and now I was the leader and stuff. Except then suddenly Lance decided to be a fucking nice person and I was just...Ugh. The nerve. And he started to be _right all the time_ which was the worst. I hate it when he's right. He should stop being right...Last night we went to the store and we got into an argument about the difference between regular and diet coke... And about halfway through I realized he was right, but I had already committed to my argument and I wasn't about to admit I was wrong so after Lance went to bed I called the company and asked them to lie for me-"

" _You fucking what?"_

"Lance? What are you doing here? Come up here and sit!"

"Are you serious, Keith?!"

"Oh...Yeah, that was what he used to say to me. When I did stupid stuff as the leader. And it was super frustrating because...Why couldn't _Lance_ be the leader? He clearly knew how to do it better than me... But instead I was the leader and I had Lance calling me out when I did shit wrong... Which I appreciated, but it was super frustrating because clearly Shiro fucked up in his choice." Keith said, completely ignoring Lance now.

"Amazing. Even while drunk he manages to change the subject when I'm pissed at him." Lance muttered. Keith looked in his direction for a moment before turning back to the host.

"And Allura too. She kind of co-led us with Shiro...She was a natural choice! Why couldn't we go with her? She knew more about leading than anyone else..." He grumbled and then snapped his fingers "Oh and the blade. We met the blade and I was like 'my _people_ ' because oh - did I talk about finding out I was galra? No. No, because I'm talking about that now. Okay, so this was _before_ Shiro died so he was with me. That was cool."

"Wait...You completely went out of order."

"Listen - no. Listen to me...I don't care. So anyways, this was _way_ before I was leader. I was chilling and then we find this secret base where all this people were good galras and they're super grr and stoic and what not. And...Oh yeah! Fuck Shiro, again. I love him, but what the _fuck?_ I had the blade my mom gave me, right? And the blades got all pissed because they thought I stole it or whatever and I'm telling them I had always had it. And so they ask Shiro if that was true and that backstabbing _bitch_ just goes 'I don't know'. Like, really? _Really_? I love Shiro so much, but I just... He makes my life so hard. So then there were these tests, right? Because I had to pass them after Shiro fucked me over and I got beat up a lot. But then the blade unlocked and that's how I found out I was part galra." He finished and took a sip of wine. "It was some nonsense. And when I told everyone Allura was _mean_ about it."

"Keith," Allura called from where she was sitting, leg thrown over Pidge's lap "I'm sorry-"

"Oh. You're here." Keith said and Allura rose an eyebrow. "It's okay, we already moved passed it. She was mean but then she wasn't. I kind of get it. It's like white people." He said and there was a dramatically long pause. Hunk made a face, nervously looking around.

"....what?"

"Because the galra colonized a bunch of people and other horrible things. White people did that and so sometimes I looked at white people like 'are you going to fuck up my life like your ancestors did to my ancestors?' but then they turn out to be nice and stuff. So I think Allura was thinking the same thing. She looked at me like 'are you going to fuck up my life like your ancestors did to my ancestors?' and I turned out to be nice and stuff." Keith reasoned and silence greeted his statement.

"Keith..." Shiro said "Maybe _don't_ compare white people to the galra, okay? Don't do that." He said in a stage whisper. Keith shrugged.

"I said what I said and you can't make me take it back." He grumbled and looked at the host "You get it, right?" He asked and the host gave a noncommittal shrug.

"Um...I suppose. What does the blade have to do with your leadership...?" He said, clearly trying to redirect the conversation to the original topic. Keith snorted, leaning back on the couch and accepting more water.

"Oh, because I ditched my leadership to join the blade."

"You _did_?"

"Well after Shiro came back it felt like I could do both! Except I really couldn't and Hunk was giving me disappointed eyes and I don't know if you've ever seen Hunk's disappointed eyes, but they make you feel like dying." Keith sighed and clicked his tongue. "Anyways, the blade seemed to fit better for me anyways. Not to mention Lance was thinking about leaving the team-"

" _What_?"

This time it was the rest of Voltron who asked the question, surprised eyes turning to Lance who was slowly sinking lower and lower in his chair.

"I _know_! That wouldn't have been good! He was worried that there were more paladins than lions and thought Shiro and I were better paladins so we should pilot and he should leave, which was really stressful because... I didn't want that. He was a good pilot and I trusted him to be as good of a right hand to Shiro as he was to me. So I had to leave so he wouldn't leave. Also, when he counted he used his pinky and it was super cute, but I had to be chill about it."

"What?"

"He used his pinky instead of his index finger to when holding up one finger and I was trying to be cool because it was a serious conversation but I also _died inside_." Keith groaned and the camera turned back to Lance to show him burying his face in his hands.

"...you love Lance a lot, don't you?"

"More than _you_ ," Keith said aggressively and the host held up his hands "More than _anyone_. Back off."

"I just get the feeling you're going to regret how open you are when you're sober."

"Jesus - I'm not even drunk! Fool." Keith grumbled "Anyways, uh...What was I saying? Oh yeah! So I joined the blade and kind of just checked out."

"You didn't even keep in contact with them?"

"....no." Keith muttered "Let's talk about something else. Oh! I got it, I got it. So I was on a mission with the blade and I met this badass agent named Krolia. And guess _what_? She turned out to _be my mom_. Which was crazy. So crazy. I mean, I guess I should have known because we look a lot alike and stuff, but I just...Wow. She kind of broke it to me really badly though. It was just like 'I'm your mom! Let's go!' and I'm just 'What? Where have you been? How do you know?' and she's just 'No questions. No time. Let's blow this Popsicle stand!' It was very, very strange." Keith informed him. "And I'm panicking a little because... I have this mom now and I don't really know how moms work. It's weird. And I don't know how to break the news to Adam because he thinks he's my mom and now I have to fire him."

"I see."

"Well, Krolia and I end up in this time space thing and it's a...Super weird deal. I see the past and shit. I also saw some...Disturbing things from the future." He shuddered and before the host could ask, held up a hand "And then we end up on a space whale...That's where we met Romelle!" He said brightly "She's so annoying. I love her. Also, I met Kosmo and I would die for him." Keith mused "And Krolia was with me so I got to know her and it was cool."

"What sort of things did you learn?"

"That it would have been _way_ more fun growing up with her because she didn't make me take out the trash or clean anything or-"

" _You lived in a fucking cave!"_ Shiro yelled from his seat and Keith scowled.

"You would have made me clean the cave!" He yelled back and turned to the host "He would have made me clean the cave."

* * *

"So you know how when you get so worried about messing something up that you just...Mess it up?"

"Yes, I do."

"Yeah...When I came back from the space whale I yelled at Lance upon three seconds of seeing him and said I didn't have time for his nonsense. It wasn't a good situation. I was stressed about Shiro and he was there saying stuff and he called me _grizzled and cool_ and I just panicked, okay? And later I went to apologize to him and...Ugh, if you ever have to deal with an angry Lance, I am so sorry. He can be _cold_." Keith wrinkled his nose and everyone turned to Lance again.

"Oh, don't even start with me." He snapped at them "I don't even get mad that often so I don't want to hear it."

"It's not a good thing," Keith informed them "I was all like 'Look...I'm sorry about before' and he just _smiles_ and goes 'I don't know what you mean. I'm sure you don't have time for this though so I'll let you go.' and then slams the door in my face. It was rough. Also, I found out he was mad that I left with the blade and...Yeah. Mad Lance isn't good." He shook his head. "But if you get him chocolate he usually forgives you faster." He added. "Anyways, so then I went and fought Shiro."

"I - what?"

"Yeah, he was a clone so I had to fight him. And it was _super_ dramatic. I was like ' _Shiro I love you_ ' and Shiro was all ' _I should have left you like your parents did_ ' and I didn't say anything, but like...My dad died and my mama just spent two years with me on a space whale so fuck you too. Rude ass bitch. And I couldn't kill him. I would never kill Shiro whether he was clone or real or a ghost or _anything_. I just wouldn't do that. So when we were both about to fall to our deaths I was just thinking 'yeah...sounds about right' and was cool with dying. But then Black came and got us."

"Wow...That sounds very intense."

"Yeah, and then Shiro was alive again which was cool. I couldn't wait to get him home to Adam because then I could finally have a fucking break. Then we got to Earth and I realized Adam _died_ and God. I was so annoyed - oh! And before that we were on a gameshow! I hated it!"

"Yeah, we heard a bit about that-"

"Lance, I'm sorry I said I didn't want to be stuck with for eternity. That's not even true." He called, sitting up.

"We don't need to have this conversation here-"

" _It was all gay panic, okay_? I know I was mean."

"We already went through this, Keith. It's really fine."

"You said I was your _future_."

"I know."

"You're my future too."

"Babe, please. You are going to hate yourself tomorrow."

"Jokes on you," Keith whispered "I hate myself today."

"Oh my _God_ , Keith."

* * *

"So this has been a rather...Lance-oriented drunk retelling of Voltron. We had to stop a little early because, uh, well..." The camera zoomed on where Keith had fallen off the couch, passed out on the floor. He twitched a bit in his sleep.

"I'm not even drunk," He muttered and rolled over "Fuck you."

"So we are going to get him home and we'll see you next time! Anybody want to volunteer to go next?" The host asked, turning to where everyone was attempting to get Keith up as they walked onstage. Hunk, Pidge, Lance, and Allura looked at one another.

"No."

"Not really."

"My fiancé is dying so..."

"Not even a little excited about looking like a fool."

"Right, so it'll be a surprise!" The host smiled "Remember to like and subscribe below!"

" _I'm not even drunk_."

* * *

**Credits**

**Story Told By**

Keith Kogane (Black Paladin of Voltron)

**Filmed, Directed and Edited by**

Walter Bros. Studios 

**Starring**

Voltron 

**Script Supervisor (aka Improv)  
**

Keith Kogane

* * *

Keith was pretty sure he was dying.

"Lance?" He whispered and because he was dating an angel he felt a glass of water and some medicine enter his hand. "Thank you..." He whispered and rolled over. Lance was sitting on the edge of the bed, patting his leg in sympathy "What happened?"

"You tried to tell us about Voltron and ended up just talking about me most of the time. I had no idea that using my pinky to count caused you such emotional turmoil." He added with a grin and Keith felt himself choke on his water. He stared. No, no, no. This wasn't good. "Also, I know about the coke thing and I'm going to be honest with you... I'm a little annoyed that you would rather have a company lie to the world about the difference between regular and diet coke then admit I was right."

Ah, _fuck_.

"Not the whole world...Just you."

"That really isn't better, Keith."

"Was I super embarrassing?" Keith sighed and rubbed his throbbing head "I was so fucking drunk. How did I even get that drunk? I thought I was going to stop the second I felt tipsy." He muttered and Lance grimaced.

"You...Didn't think you were drunk," Lance told him "And yeah, you were super embarrassing. Pidge was so happy. She has the entire unedited video already... But, hey. It was kind of cute." He shrugged and Keith scowled. "What? It was. If it makes you feel better I'll probably start blabbering on about you when it's my turn." He snorted and Keith pulled his hand, trying to get him to lay down next to him.

"Poor Pidge and Hunk and Allura...They must be so sick of us."

"Allura at least has Romelle...And Shay and Hunk are definitely going to become a thing soon. So really it is only poor Pidge." Lance hummed and kissed Keith's forehead. "I guess I'll make breakfast since you are recovering from that horrible battle last night... Then maybe I can talk in Spanish for an hour since you went on about _that_ when we got home."

"Fuck. That wasn't on the show was it?"

"Nope. Just me," Lance told him with a shake of his head and Keith felt himself flush. "Do you happen to have a language kink?"

"Whatever."

"I'm going to take that as a yes and leave-"

" _Lance_." Keith whined, but was ignored as his stupid fiancé left the room, laughing like the jerk he was. Normally, Keith might be volatile about this horrible attack, but he was too weak and his head hurt. So instead he just glowered and the ceiling, praying his body would stop hurting. Maybe a nap wouldn't hurt...

"...hi there, demon."

 _No_.

Keith's eyes flew open to see Adam in the doorway, smiling widely. Keith felt horror slowly hit him.

"Please..."

"I heard you were...A little under the weather..."

"I can't even _defend_ myself, jackass."

"It would be a shame if someone brought over Phantom of the Opera music and played it all full volume, wouldn't it?"

"I wish you had died."

"Ooh. Low blow," Adam snorted and plugged his phone into their speakers. "Too bad I just sent Lance out to the store. Otherwise he could have saved you..." Adam hummed and before Keith could even retort, pressed play.

_IN SLEEP HE SANG TO ME_

"Adam, _please-_ "

  _IN DREAMS HE CAME_

"It's so loud make it stop!"

_THAT VOICE WHICH CALLS TO ME_

"I'm going to throw up!" Keith groaned and Adam only laughed because he was the worst person ever. Well then. Fine. Keith would at least make sure he regretted his decision to torture him. Slowly, he forced himself to sit up and move over to where Adam was laughing in the corner.

_AND SPEAKS MY NAME_

"I - what are you doing? Keith. _Keith you better fucking not-_ "

_AND DO I DREAM AGAIN?_

"DID YOU JUST ACTUALLY THROW UP ON ME?!"

_FOR NOW I FIND_

"I warned you to turn off the music." Keith smirked, wiping his mouth and collapsing back on the bed. Adam stood frozen in horror for a few minutes before narrowing his eyes and immediately walking over to the light switch, flicking it on and off so that Keith screamed and covered his face.

_THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA IS THERE_

"Stop or else I'm telling Shiro!"

_INSIDE MY MIND_

"Yeah, you can tell him after I take off this shirt you threw up on and throw it at your face-"

" _Why are you fucking like this?!_ "

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Drunk Keith is the #1 Lance Stan and you can't change my mind.


	30. Basiccaly the Drunk History of Voltron (Part 3)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "So for the first time in Drunk History ever...We are giving our guest some coffee in an attempt to sober him a bit more." The host informed everyone. Lance was pouting at the coffee, but continued to take small sips as he glowered at everyone. "How are you doing Lance?"
> 
> "You...You make me so mad. Just learn fucking Spanish. Just learn it, okay?" Lance grumbled and took another sip of coffee "You always make me do all the work and I just want to have fun and now I can't pass out drunk because you won't learn Spanish..." He grumbled "Ridiculous."
> 
> "You could just hire someone to do subtitles." Adam suggested, rubbing Lance's shoulder consolingly. The host winced.
> 
> "Well, uh...That costs a lot of money actually-" He started, but was interrupted by a very angry Lance and Adam yelling.
> 
> _"El burro sabe mas que tu!"_
> 
> _"Mi dio! Fucking huevón..."_
> 
> "Don't know what they just said...Didn't sound nice...We'll be back after more coffee is drank."

"Why are you here?"

"I don't appreciate the attitude," Adam frowned as he walked onstage, waving at Lance who was currently downing his third shot of vokda "But trust me. You're going to be happy I came." He told the host and crossed his arms "Where do I sit? With - Oh, hi Takashi! I'm going to go sit with him. Bye." Adam said, waving without really listening to the host try and explain they hadn't reserved a seat for him. He went silent after a few moments before deciding it might not have been worth the fight and turned back to where Lance was stumbling towards the couch, laughing.

"Oh this is going to be fun... Oh my God, I can't wait to _party_! Oh, is there more - _yes_. Please, please, please. I...Is this rum? Can I get some rum please? The good kind too - not to be rude or picky. I just grew up learning to appreciate quality - _perfect_." He said, taking a swig of the entire bottle he was handed. "What is the plan again? Are we going to a club? Or... Not a strip club, okay? Those days are behind me. Maybe like a club where I can be a faithful partner but still - _wait_. Can Keith come to the club?"

"We're not going to a club." The host explained and Lance rose a hand, looking highly displeased by this announcement. He glanced around.

"Then why am I here?" He grumbled and held the bottle close to his chest. "This is just...Really rude. Where is Keith? Or Hunk? Is Hunk here?" He tried, looking around. He beamed where he saw Voltron sitting in the corner. "Why are you guys over there?" He called and Keith put a hand over his mouth, looking distraught.

"This was me last week?"

"Dude, Lance is somehow doing _better_ than you last week." Pidge informed him, patting his arm consolingly. "Which is just sad."

"Keith! Please don't be mad, but I kind of put a hole in our kitchen wall. I wanted to do the thing with soda and Mentos and things escalated..." He explained and shuddered "They escalated really bad..."

"Is he still doing better than me?"

"Yes."

" _Really_?"

"Lance," The host called, regaining his attention "We're here to talk about Voltron. Do you think you can tell us a bit about it?" He suggested and Lance took a long pull of rum, considering for a moment before slowly nodding.

"Yes. There's one...two... _Five_ lions, okay? _Cinco_ lions. And, uh, they come together and form a person. I guess his name is Voltron. Which, is kind of weird. Why name someone Voltron? That's not a good name. Why can't his name be...Jacob? I guess that sounds funny... Form _Jacob_! Not as scary... So a scary name. Gladys. That's kind of scary..." He mused and the host smiled.

"I think you're right, but we're talking about the history of Voltron."

"Oh...Um. _Well_ , it was made in Altea after Alfor was like 'you know what would be fucking punk rock? Indestructible motherfucking lions' and everyone else was like 'pretty dope, my king' so he-"

"No, no. _Your_ history of Voltron. Like, how did you become paladins? What was it like in space? How did you and Keith become a thing?"

" _Mind your own damn business_." Keith growled, and the host shrugged. Lance sighed.

"Okay...So. It's Adam's fault, okay?"

"Excuse me, Alejandro?"

"It was Shiro's fault, okay?"

"Hey!"

"Because Shiro left and it made Adam really sad and then _Keith_ left so Adam was even _sadder_ and Adam, by nature, is not supposed to be sad. So I was off being awesome and I saw Keith. And I'm like...Wow, if Adam sees Keith he'll be mad, but maybe not sad. So I followed him - _obviously_. And maybe I thought he looked kind of hot with the bandana thing tied around his face, but I didn't know that I thought that so... I can't blame him. But then I saw _Shiro_ and was like...That _would_ make Adam really happy so I told Keith...I told him. I told him I was going to rescue Shiro and he was like 'who are you?' which was kind of rude because we sat next to each other for a whole ass year, but whatever. He said that he used to not look at my face back then - so I secretly think he was just checking out my ass the entire time-"

" _No_ , I was-"

"Babe. Babe please. I'm talking." Lance interrupted and Keith let his mouth drop open as Adam snickered loudly next to him. "Anyways, Keith kind of kidnaps us and...Is there more stuff...? Oh, hi. I like rum so please - you're my best friend..." He muttered and took another sip. " _Disculpe...entonces,_ we go into the house of Keith, except... Well, it wasn't really a _house_ as much as a shack. _Las parades tenían,_ uh... _como se dice...dibujos feos? Pero-"_

"Whoa, uh. Lance. You're starting to switch to Spanish?"

" _No, no. Estoy hablando íngles,_ " Lance said, waving him off.

"What did he say?" The host asked. "Something about English?" He asked with a frown. "Crap - we should have thought this might happen. He grumbled as Lance continued to loudly transition to rapid Spanish in the background. Adam smiled from his spot.

"Oh no...It's almost as if someone _did_ think of this and is sitting in the audience because he _knew_ you would need a translator when the native Spanish speaker would...surprise, surprise switch to Spanish when wasted." He snapped his fingers. "Oh dear."

A pause.

"Could you please come up to the stage and help us?" The host said and Adam scoffed, rising from his seat to skip over next to Lance, who brightened upon seeing Adam and began speaking in even faster Spanish. The two had a quick conversation before Adam nodded.

"Right, so he said that Keith's house was covered in ugly ass drawings, but don't tell Keith that they were ugly because he's actually a really good artist... Sorry, Keith." He added and the paladin flicked him off. "Anyways, he also... _Qué?_ I....Ah, okay. He says that he hates Keith, that Shiro should do the laundry more often, Pidge needs to fucking eat every once in awhile if she wants to ever grow larger than a blade of grass, and Hunk...You're doing good." Adam shrugged. The host stared.

"I...Don't think he really said that."

"Do _you_ speak Spanish? No? Okay then. He also just said you look like a coconut and fuck you."

"He didn't say _anything_!"

"He wants me to tell you to mind your own business." Adam sniffed and this time Lance really did say something and Adam tilted his head a bit with a nod. "So now he's saying how everyone was complaining about his piloting, but they were actually uh...this is the best translation I can come up with 'whiny little bitches who probably couldn't even deal with roller-coasters as kids'." Adam shrugged and Lance yawned with a vigilant nod. "He also would like me to tell you that Keith cries during sex and that my wedding was better than his."

" _Adam_!"

"Hey, hey..." Lance interrupted "Stop it. I speak English."

"Do it then." Adam snorted and Lance scowled, pushing him a little.

"I will!" He snapped and took a deep breath " _Soy de Cuba, no? Sabemos este-"_

" _Alejandro, estas hablando español."  
_

_"No! Eres un mentiroso!"_

* * *

"So for the first time in Drunk History ever...We are giving our guest some coffee in an attempt to sober him a bit more." The host informed everyone. Lance was pouting at the coffee, but continued to take small sips as he glowered at everyone. "How are you doing Lance?"

"You...You make me _so mad_. Just learn fucking Spanish. Just learn it, okay?" Lance grumbled and took another sip of coffee "You always make me do all the work and I just want to have fun and now I can't pass out drunk because you won't learn Spanish..." He grumbled "Ridiculous."

"You could just hire someone to do subtitles." Adam suggested, rubbing Lance's shoulder consolingly. The host winced.

"Well, uh...That costs a lot of money actually-" He started, but was interrupted by a very angry Lance and Adam yelling.

" _El burro sabe mas que tu!"_

" _Mi dio! Fucking huevón_..."

"Don't know what they just said...Didn't sound nice...We'll be back after more coffee is drank."

* * *

"So...Where were we?" The host tried, only to be flicked off by a moody Lance who had just finished his coffee. Adam was still there (despite being told to leave several times) with his legs thrown over Lance's lap, drinking some of the left over rum.

"Ugh, who fucking knows?" He muttered and snagged the rum from Adam. "So... We're in space. Space is big. Very big. With lots of stars and shit. And the Blue lion takes us to this random ass planet in the middle of nowhere, right? And we find these deadass coffins. Now, this fucking girl falls out of this coffin and she's pretty and she _isn't_ dead which is cool so I catch her and I'm just like ' _whoa_ she's gorgeous' and guess what? I'm immediately attacked. A great way to make friends. She also said my ears were ugly. Which hurt my feelings, but whatever."

"Your ears are _wonderful_ Lance!"

"Thanks, Lura." Lance grumbled and took another swig of rum.

" _Not_."

"You- I need you to not say that right now because I'm sensitive right now and I'm in a sensitive place and I just need you to not say those things to me because I'm _sensitive_ _Allura_." Lance said, bordering on tears "I just want to be dancing with my boyfriend..."

"I'll drink to that!" Adam said, raising a glass he had stolen from somewhere "Not your boyfriend though. Mine...Wait. I have a _husband._ " He added with a whisper and Lance nodded, hopefully holding up the empty rum bottle.

"Can I have more?"

"Uh...How about you tell us more about Voltron and we'll give you more, okay?" The host said, wincing "We just want to get some stuff in English-"

"I _hate you_."

"Jesus."

* * *

"...so here's the thing. And listen to me. I just...I need you to understand this. _There was a ghost_. I'm not lying. Keith can say what he wants, but there was a ghost. I know this. I _know_ this." He insisted "And that ghost tried to throw me out of an airlock!"

"But wasn't it just Sendak-"

" _El fantasma_." Lance repeated and took a sip of water handed to him. "There was a ghost."

"You believe in ghosts?"

"Oh, you're going to judge me? _Me_? For believing _ghosts_? Oh? My fiancé's dad fucked an alien. I don't want to hear shit." Lance told him and paused "Can you fuck a ghost...?" He murmured to himself and turned to Adam, hitting his leg. "Adam... _Adam_ , I think I just understood something important. I think I know how the Virgin Mary got pregnant - Adam _listen._ "

"What happened next?" The host said loudly as Adam turned, looking vaguely interested in Lance's revelation. He was a bit flushed, letting everyone know he was starting to get wasted too.

"Oh, uh... I don't know... Hey, where's Keith? I want to flirt with him. I have this _awesome_ pick-up line-"

"Ugh." Adam muttered and Lance hit his arm.

"We _really_ want to hear more about Voltron, Lance." The host said and when Lance didn't look convinced, sighed. "It would impress Keith, you know. I hear he wants to know your version of things." He said and this seemed to catch Lance's interest. He went quiet for a moment, considering these words before nodding and throwing an arm over the arm of the chair. 

"Okay!"

"Great! So what happened next?"

"Well...I'm in the airlock, right? I'm about to die and I can't believe I'm going to be taken down by a _ghost_. Ridiculous. When suddenly I see Keith and the sparring robot! And at first, I'm a little annoyed because he's _sparring_ right now? While I'm about to _die_? So I bang on the door and asked for help and it's at this moment I'm like...Huh. If I die I guess it wouldn't be _terrible_ if the last thing I saw was Keith battling a sparring bot. Consciously I reasoned it was because I liked seeing him get beat up. Subconsciously...Well. Fill in the blanks." He said and took a sip of rum with his pinky out before crossing his legs. "Anyways, Keith manages to open the airlock and pull me out - his hands were like...Really nice, which was weird because he doesn't even lotion and they were all calloused from the sword fighting but I figured it was probably the stupid leather gloves that felt nice. By the way...Had the chance to see Keith in _only_ those leather gloves. Highly recommend."

" _Lance,_ " Keith choked out, absolutely horrified. "Stop. Talking. _Now_."

"Oh...Sorry," Lance said and held up his glass "I'll make it up to you...Maybe next time I can be the one wearing the gloves."

"Right - can he be done?" Keith asked loudly, face burning. Pidge grimaced, looking down at Keith's gloved hands with askance before slowly shifting more towards Allura. "Oh, shut up." Keith snapped at her.

* * *

"...so I was kidnapped and-"

"Wait...You were?" The host frowned and looked towards where Voltron was sitting "He was _kidnapped_?"

"No, he wasn't." Pidge frowned and looked at Hunk. "You were there, right? Nobody ever mentioned him getting kidnapped." She said and Hunk shifted a bit uncomfortably.

"Uh...Well, technically...But let him explain." He said and Keith sat up, looking around in alarm.

"Wait, _what_? He was kidnapped? Fucking when?"

"I'm _trying to tell_ you." Lance interrupted, annoyed. Keith glowered at him and Lance simply gave an flirty smile right back before turning back to the host. "That's my _fiancé_. Don't mind him." He said and Keith took a long breath. "Anyways, as I was saying. I was kidnapped by these three merpeople. Swirn, Blumfump, and Plaxum. They were the only ones who hadn't fallen victim to the mind control stuff so it was actually _good_ that they kidnapped me. Maybe I shouldn't call it kidnapping...An extraction?" He tried and shrugged and looked up at the the girl picking up his empty glass "Hi, there. Can I please have more...? Oh, thank you, beautiful." He smiled and Shiro winced.

"He's turned into a flirty drunk..." He said and pinched the bridge of his nose "They should have just let him stay wasted." He added with a worried look at Keith, who was pursing his lips. "Listen, I'm sure he-"

"You know who else is beautiful? My fiancé. His name is Keith." Lance informed the girl, who chuckled and patted his arm.

"A true talent to flirt with both a random person and your significant other at the same time." Keith muttered.

"Oh, I don't think he's flirting with her, Keith." Hunk interjected "He's just charismatic." He said, defending his friend. Keith shrugged, seemingly accepting this answer.

"Anyways, so they're explaining to me that Queen Luxia is causing mind control stuff and it's actually really dark because people are being fed to this giant plant so there's that. So I try to tell Hunk this, but he _attacks_ me - obviously, under mind control influence."

A pause.

"I feel like you did _not_ properly debrief us about this place..." Shiro said slowly, turning to Hunk who shrugged.

"We didn't feel the need to go into it." He answered and before Shiro could respond, Lance had continued.

"Now - oh hi again! I love that necklace. My sister has one like it. Don't tell her I said this, but you definitely wear it better." Lance smiled, accepting a glass of wine. Keith pinched the bridge of his nose. "I wish Keith wore necklaces... He would say it it would get caught during a fight or something though," Lance scoffed and turned back to the host "Where was I? Oh yes, so Hunk and I fought, but it all worked out. We realized it wasn't Luxia who was mind controlling people, but Baku - the giant plant. So we had to take care of that and badda bing badda boom we are heroes once more! Plaxum was so excited she kissed me - not an uncommon reaction, I suppose-"

"...Keith?" Hunk winced as he glanced over at his friend.

"Yes?"

"Uh...How are you doing?"

"I'm fine. That was before me. Why would I even care? I'm not even the jealous type so - _get that fucking camera out of my face before I beat you with it_."

* * *

"...I'll admit I was a little, uh...perplexed when Blue shut me out. Her and I had a good thing going, you know? Sometimes it felt like she was the only one on the team that _liked_ me back then and then she just was like 'nevermind, fuck you' so I was kind of...Not pleased by the situation." Lance explained, grimacing "You know? Of course you don't... You haven't ever loved a giant robotic lion..." Lance sighed, pressing a finger to his temple. "So then _Red_ calls to me. Red. Like are you kidding me? I was supposed to replace Keith _again_? Hit after hit on the ego here." He said, throwing up his hands. "But Red is actually super awesome. He tells me juicy intel on Keith. Like, did you know Keith had a _theme song_ he used to sing?"

"...no." Keith whispered. "Red what the _fuck_?"

"It was so cute. I always wanted to tell Keith I knew about it, but I'm waiting for the right moment. It's pretty catchy...Ah, how did it go? I think...Oh, yeah. _I'm flyingggg...In the red lionnnn_..." He giggled and hit his leg "What a fucking _dork_."

"I can't wait to murder him tomorrow..." Keith sighed, sinking a bit farther into his chair. Adam was snickering loudly next to Lance before pointing at Keith and saying something in Spanish "Yeah, fuck you too." Keith threw back at him. "I _hate_ this stupid show."

"Keith does a lot of cute things though. Like he does _hot_ things like sword fight and the flick thing with his hair...Good shit. But he _also_ yells at inanimate objects when they don't work and steals my clothes - which I _hate_ , but also I don't really hate it that much because he looks nice in them. I really love him."

"Yeah...We know, Lance."

"Bitch, how the fuck do _you_ know? Fucking _coño_..." He muttered, crossing his arms. " _Qué te den._ "

"Andddd we're back to the Spanish," The host sighed, ignoring Adam giggling in the background. He tugged on Lance's arm, whispering something in his ear before both start chortling and looking at the host with matching grins before continuing whispering in Spanish to one another. "Can we get more coffee please? And a lot of water?"

* * *

"I don't mean to brag... But I was _quite_ a hit on the Voltron Show. I can understand why - I did the strip tease thing...Crowd loved it."

"He did what?" Keith sighed, turning to the group. Pidge rolled her eyes.

"He didn't _actually_ strip. He just sort of...Uh, danced suggestively on a rope as he descended from Red.... Did you not see it?" She inquired "It was broadcasted across the galaxy-"

"Oh great," Keith muttered "Great to know. My fiancé is an ass."

"Remind me to get a copy of that as a present for Keith," Lance mused "But yeah. Voltron Show. That was a lot of fun before Coran went fucking psycho. It wasn't his fault though. He took drugs. It happens to the best of us." He shrugged and threw his arm around Adam. "You would have thrived... Hey...You could have made a better Keith than Allura. Do your best Keith impression." He said and Adam tapped a finger to his lip for a moment before nodding and shoving Lance away from him.

"God, _Lance_. I'm trying to be _emo_ and _mysterious_. Stop showing me affection where someone might _see_! The entire world might not know we're dating!"

"...it's like he's here."

"I _am_ here you fucking morons."

" _Keith_?!"

* * *

"I'm standing there - space goo on my ass and six different weapons sprawled around me. Kolivan and I freaking out, right? Keith is with the blades - but Hunk is in the next room and _who knows_ where Pidge is! So we decide if we clean it up fast enough we could act like it never happened. Luckily, nobody ever found out...Thank God, right? Could you _imagine_ the gossip? People could definitely get the wrong idea... In reality we just wanted to see goo would dissolve in water." Lance sighed, crossing his arms. Adam put a hand over his mouth.

"Kolivan is the big, scary galra with the braids, right?" He asked and Lance nodded.

"Holy fuck."

"Uh huh - oh! That reminds me of when we formed that alliance with Bitch Dick and got to go into the castle-"

"I'm sorry," The host interrupted with a raise of his hand "With _who_?"

"You know...Prince Bitch Dick? White hair. Looks like a bitch. Is a dick."

"You are...Referring to Prince Lotor of the Galra empire, right?" He asked and Adam loudly clapped his hands.

"Listen, _puto_. He _said_ Prince Bitch Dick. Are you not listening?" He called and Lance snapped his fingers, pointing to Adam in approval.

"Yeah! Listen! His name is Prince Bitch Dick!"

"HIS NAME IS PRINCE BITCH DICK!"

"HIS NAME IS PRINCE BITCH DICK!"

"HIS-

"Adam," Shiro interrupted "Please stop." He said and Adam paused. He looked over at Lance who rose an eyebrow, waiting. They were silent for a solid minute for Adam finally spoke again.

"Prince Bitch Dick." He whispered and sank back into the sofa as Lance giggled.

"Yes, yes." He said with a nod, "Thank you....Uh, what were we talking about...? Oh! Yeah. Anyways, we were in Prince Bitch Dick's castle because he had convinced us that a fucking alliance was a good idea. And so Pidge, Hunk, and I thought the best thing to do was wear Zarkon's armor and the druid cloaks and stuff - it was so much fun. We have pictures."

"You...Wait, you what?" The host said blankly "You wore the fallen dictator's armor?"

"Technically Hunk did...And sat in his throne. Pidge and I wore the druid cloaks. It was _awesome_. OH! And paladude!" He yelled and looked towards the crowd "HUNK! PIDGE! PALADUDE!" He called and the cameras spun around to show Pidge and Hunk in twin salute.

"Paladude."

"My fucking _paladude_."

"....what?" Shiro whispered "The fuck is going on?"

"There was this sentry that Pidge made not-evil and hardwired for fun and he was so cool. He helped us cause all sorts of chaos and we blasted him off the ship on a robeast and his last words to us were 'later paladudes' so we honor him by calling him a paladude." Lance explained and took another sip of his water. "Once a month we go all visit the memorial we made for him."

"You do not." Allura said, turning to the other two. They shrugged.

"He deserved to be immortalized." Hunk said and gave Lance a thumbs up.

 _"You blasted him with a what?!"_ Shiro screeched, causing Pidge to clap her hands over her ears. Lance didn't seem to notice the mild heart attack happening so he just continued talking.

"I wish Keith had been with us...He might have stopped us though." Lance sighed and yawned "Where _is_ Keith? I miss him... I missed him when he left. He was such a jerk for leaving. Jerk." He grumbled and gulped down more water. "That's why I have to marry him fast. So he can't escape again."

"Let him..." Adam whispered from where he was semi-past out on the couch. Lance rolled his eyes and kicked him. "Hey, hey... Tell them about the monsters and mana game! Tell them!" Adam said and Lance brightened, clasping his hands together.

"Okay, so Coran had _the best game ever_ to play..."

"So we're just going to ignore the Kolivan thing?" Pidge asked as Lance launched into another story. "I think we should go back to that."

* * *

"I - what are you doing? Uh, Keith? You can't be here...Keith?" The host frowned as Keith walked on stage to tug the coffee cup out of Lance's hand and shove Adam to the side. "We're trying to sober him-"

"Yeah, I know." Keith snapped back, irritated. "Except coffee dehydrates you just like alcohol does and has a shitload of caffeine so I'm pretty sure you're trying to kill him by giving him this much." He said and handed the coffee to Adam. "Here." He added, ignoring Shiro's protest from the audience. Adam looked forlornly at the coffee before immediately downing it like a shot.

"We were giving him water too-"

"Is it _really_ that important to make sure he's speaking English? You would rather be responsible for letting a paladin literally die on coffee and alcohol than just let him speak his native language and spend some money on a translator?" He asked and sat down with a sigh. "Bullshit." He muttered and it was at this point Lance seemed to fully register Keith's presence because he brightened considerably.

"Keith!" He said and moved over "You came! We're talking about Voltron." He informed him brightly "I think I'm supposed to drink more...Uh, do I get alcohol now?" He asked and the girl from before looked around for another bottle before Keith shook his head.

"We have water. You can leave...And not come back." Keith informed her and paused "Also, your necklace is stupid."

" _Keith_!" Shiro hissed off-stage "I swear - aren't you supposed to be an adult?!"

"Keith, Keith. Do you remember coming back to Earth?" Lance interrupted, pulling on Keith's arm. "It was after the castle exploded." He informed the host. "It was really sad because Coran's uh...His uh, grandpa? I think his abuelo built that... I think so." He murmured and yawned. Keith handed him more water. "Oh, I'm not thirsty..." He said and Keith covered Lance's mic with one hand to whisper something. "You make a good point." Lance murmured and drank the water. "But, uh, yeah. Castle exploded. Boom. So we had to travel in our lions. OH! And I put Keith in a wormhole!" He said proudly.

The host stared.

"I'm...Sorry?"

Keith rolled his eyes as Lance tried to rattle off an explanation in Spanish.

"He told me when we first joined Voltron that he was going to throw me into a wormhole," He said, absently throwing an arm around Lance. "It was something he just kind of yelled out in response to something I said. I didn't realized he remembered it until after I needed to wormhole jump and it was closing too fast for all of us to get in. Voltron kind of launched me through it... Lance now tells me he fulfilled that dream of throwing me through a wormhole." He explained and Lance frowned.

"I just said that..." He muttered "I said that."

"Yeah, I know. I was just telling them again." Keith shrugged and Lance seemed to accept this answer. From his spot on the couch, Adam was glowering silently at Keith. He turned to the audience to gesture to him.

"I see him Adam," Shiro called "He's helping Lance."

" _I_ was helping Lance."

"No you weren't," Keith snorted and dodged a hit "You were literally useless."

"Don't be mean to him!" Lance objected, tapping Keith on the shoulder more vigorously. "Don't do that. You shouldn't fight so much...You were so sad when he died. You cried." He informed him and Keith paused. Lance turned to the host. "He cried. I saw him."

"When...Adam died?"

"Yep. I was at Adam's grave and Keith came and got mad at me and then he cried because he was sad Adam died." Lance summed up nicely. Adam looked up curiously at this, head tilted a little as he drunkenly digested Lance's words.

"Wait - you _really_ cried?" Adam asked, aghast "I thought Takashi was joking."

"Could you guys go back to speaking Spanish?" Keith sighed and handed Lance more water. Adam was staring, mouth opened before he put a hand over his chest.

" _Demon_. That is so sweet! I cried when you went missing." Adam informed him "But only a little..." He paused and narrowed his eyes "If you ask me when I'm sober I'll say they were tears of joy, but that's not true. I missed you." He mused. Keith turned to him, brows raised in surprise. "So weird you're growing up and getting _married_ now."

"I know!" Lance whispered "It's so _weird_." He added and immediately started going off in Spanish again. Adam replied back eagerly. The host looked at the camera before staring back at the men who were in some kind of deep, drunken conversation. He opened his mouth, but before he could even speak Keith cleared his throat.

"No." He said simply. The host nodded.

"Uh...Well. I guess this interview is over! Didn't get _quite_ as much information as the other two..."

"You have enough," Keith said coolly "Here's a show idea - you drink what your guest drinks! That way if you want to be stupid then you can kill the guest _and_ yourself." He told him and turned to Lance. "Hey...Blue. Time to go home." He said, voice much softer. "And maybe drink some more water."

"I drink only the nectar of the gods!... And Mountain Dew."

"I - okay. Hey Shiro! Can you get your dumbass husband away from my dumbass fiancé so that we can go home?"

* * *

**Credits**

**Story Told By**

Lance McClain (Red Paladin of Voltron)

**Filmed, Directed and Edited by**

Walter Bros. Studios 

**Starring**

Voltron 

**Script Supervisor (aka Improv)  
**

Lance McClain

**Subtitles**

SubTrans Inc.*

*Subtitles made possible by Keith Kogane and has asked to issue the following quote: "I'll pay for the f***** translations, just stop poisoning my fiancé you f***** dumb**** - and put in there that I said this too. I have Lance's maracas in my bag. He's taught me how to use them for situations like these. Also, one more thing. F*** you."

* * *

Under normal circumstances, Lance might say waking up next to Keith was the sign of a good morning. In fact, he would even say Keith absently rubbing circles in his arm as Lance slept could dull any pounding headache that a hangover could possibly throw him. However... There was one thing stopping him from completely relishing the moment and that was the fact that the TV was definitely _not_ playing the normal news channel that Keith loved watching first thing everyday.

Slowly, he cracked an eye open just in time to watch a younger version of himself do the splits as he descended from the Red lion...Yikes. This was not good.

"I had no idea you could do that."

Fuck. Lance didn't even bother to wonder how Keith just knew he was awake. He chalked these questions up to his galran senses normally. Sighing, he sat up, rubbing his temple as he thanked whatever deity was out there that the lights were off and Keith had turned down the hologram's brightness.

"I'm guessing this was something I mentioned last night?" He sighed, accepting a glass of water.

"It was one of many things that came up," Keith shrugged and Lance braved a glance at him. "Clarifying question - so remember how you suggested we have our wedding on Queen Luxia's planet...Were you going to mention Plaxum or like...?" He trailed off and internally Lance felt his will to live drop a tad bit. Damn show. He knew it sounded too fun to be actually be fun. He winced and Keith's expression immediately shifted. "Are you okay? I think we have pain killers somewhere around here..." He murmured, sitting up to open the nightstand. "Sorry - I bet you feel awful."

"Why are you sorry?" Lance asked, accepting the two white pills Keith handed him.

"The dumbass kept giving you coffee throughout the whole thing. I knew it would make your hangover worse...I should have stopped them sooner." He sighed, shifting a little on the bed so he was facing Lance. "Uh...My bad. I can make it up to you." He said, a little bashfully and Lance scoffed.

"Well...It sounds like you were kind of annoyed by me."

A pause.

"A _strip tease_? Really?" Keith asked and Lance couldn't help but laugh a little at the outrage. "I googled it and like...Hundreds of videos showed up. I don't know how I missed it." He grumbled.

"Yeah...I was a little confused by that too," Lance admitted. He had considered it divine intervention that his fiancé hadn't come across those videos and never - never _ever_ questioned it. "Sorry..."

"I mean, I don't _care_. I just wish I had...You know. Maybe known? Pretty sure they caught my reaction on camera." He added, wrinkling his nose.

"I can get them to edit that out," Lance said quickly and took another sip of water. "I...I'm sorry. I know I should have mentioned that stuff... But I guess I kind of didn't want to remind you that I was - uh... Me?" He shrugged. Keith stared. "Come on. We're about to get married. The last thing I wanted was you second guessing anything because of... _That_." He said, gesturing to the the video still playing in the background.

"Lance...I am well aware that you're a flirty person. It isn't always...My _favorite_ thing, but I like. I know. I was there for a lot of it. I've seen you flirt with so many aliens. This was in no way a surprise to me." He informed him flatly. Lance rolled his eyes.

"I _know_ \- I knew it was stupid then too. I just...I don't flirt with a lot of people _now_."

"Well..."

"Wow. Well, I don't actually flirt and _mean it_." He said and Keith gave a nod of affirmation at that. "I just thought bringing that stuff back up would remind you of how much you hated me back then." He admitted. Keith narrowed his eyes.

"I _never_ hated you. _You_ hated me...Because Adam of all people told you too. Let's just clarify that."

"I _annoyed_ you."

"Fair," Keith admitted "At any rate...I love you now. That isn't changing. I trust you too. So I need you to trust me a little and not think I'm going to get cold feet because some random mermaid kissed you when you were seventeen. I'm not _that_ dramatic." He muttered and Lance smiled. "Although I can't _believe_ you were going to try and have our _wedding_ there."

"I was thinking more about the venue..." Lance shrugged with a laugh. Keith shook his head and poked at his side. "Sorry! I forgot you're the jealous type..." He added with a grin and Keith's mouth dropped open.

"I am not! You know I'm not! That - that isn't a sign of a good relationship anyways. Jealousy is bad. It means lack of trust and - ugh." He muttered when Lance laughed and kissed the tip of his nose. "You're _disgusting_."

"I totally get jealous when I see those blog posts talking about how hot you are."

"Wait...You mean...That _isn't_ you? I always thought you ghost-wrote those!"

"Nope. Not me. I would use more graphic details." Lance winked and Keith scoffed, pushing him away. "Come on, be nice. I'm having a serious conversation with you when I am _deathly_ hungover. I deserve some sort of reward...Like a nap...And then maybe something more eventful when I'm feeling better." He tried, moving closer towards Keith, who was watching him in amusement. "Like...I don't know. Nothing we have to leave the house for, but something still fun?"

"You...Are so right." Keith told him and grabbed his hand "You take that nap and I'll go into the living room and set-up the rest of the Voltron Show for us to watch!" He smiled and Lance froze before the statement seemed to dawn on him. He stared at Keith. Keith only smiled back.

"...I thought we hid the rest of those from Earth's satellites."

"Uh huh. My mom owed me a favor. You know, I don't usually enjoy giving Adam good news... But I'll make an exception because I would _love_ to see his reaction to seeing _Shiro_ _the Hero_ in action." He snorted "Or big, mean Keith in the pink armor... Not to mention _Loverboy Lance_." He chortled and Lance felt himself flush as he looked up at the ceiling. "Ooh. How mad are Pidge and Hunk going to be?" He snorted and when Lance glared, tapped the end of nose. "So enjoy your nap!"

"I'm hungover," Lance muttered, easing himself in the bed "And you're mean and are very lucky I love you...If you had been _nice_ I would have gladly shown you the moves I did on Red up close." He said and from the doorway, Keith leaned against the frame.

"I'm devastated." He told him and Lance rolled over to glower at him.

"You should be," He whispered "Plaxum would have been honored at such an offer-"

" _That isn't funny, Lance_!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun Fact: Coffee does NOT actually make you sober. It makes you feel less drunk is all. So really, alcohol and coffee are just a bad combo. #BeResponsible
> 
> I might put a couple of other oneshots b/w part 3 and the next 3 chapters of this mini-series bc I need to come up with more ideas for it, but we WILL get through the rest of the paladins, don't worry.
> 
> Also, idk why but the expression 'qué te den' always gets translated to 'damn you' in google translate, which was NOT the meaning I was taught. I think that may be a nicer translation...? Lance means it in the way I know it which is 'get fucked'. So sorry if I used that incorrectly...my abuela has been known to make up phrases so i can never tell if it is the translator or her who is lying to me lol.


	31. Basically an AU (Part 2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DON'T PANIC
> 
> Allura, Pidge, and Hunk's drunk history of Voltron WILL be coming. I just am trying to figure out what parts of the story they can tell. In the meantime my inspiration went here. Why? idk fam. It just did.

_Somewhere in the canon universe..._

"Come to steal my lemon cakes again?"

Lance smiled when he saw the figure pause a few feet away, having been inching closer over the past few minutes incrementally. He threw down the bag of fertilizer he was carrying and grinned at the shadow, waiting for the silhouette to emerge.

"Since when did you become observant?" A voice asked and Lance snorted to see how dismayed Keith looked to have been caught. Granted, it might not have been him - it was always hard to tell when he was in his Blade uniform. Still, Lance knew his friend well at this point and most Blade members would have approached him more directly by this point.

"Since when did you become so obvious?" He threw back and Keith's mask retreated to reveal a scowl as the man crossed his arms over his chest.

"Hilarious," He grumbled and collapsed under the tree Lance had been working under. "How's the farming life?" He asked, snagging an apple from Lance's basket to bite into. While originally Lance had created the area for Allura - and of course it still was for her - he had added to the list of things he grew. With Keith working with the Blades as a humanitarian relief organization they were on the constant hunt for fresh food to hand out so it just made sense for Lance to pitch in.

"It was good until a bunch of my animals got freaked out by that explosion this morning," He said and kicked Keith's leg "Plan on doing anything about that?" He asked and Keith took another bite of his apple.

"Why do you think I'm here?"

"For my lemon cakes."

"Hunk's are better." Keith muttered and stood up, stretching a bit as he glanced over to where Lance's house was sitting amidst all the flowers and Altean relics. "Do I still have some spare clothes here? And can I use a shower?" He asked. Lance figured he must have come straight from a mission because the guy looked like a walking disaster.

"Yeah, there should be." Lance told him and picked up his basket again "Just hurry up and figure out what that explosion was because I have things to do." He told him.

"You _could_ investigate yourself, you know. It hasn't been that long since we've been paladins."

"Oh, how sweet. You have faith in me." Lance grinned, putting a hand over his chest "While that might be true, you also came _all this way-_ "

"Shut up." Keith grumbled and started marching towards the house, muttering under his breath as Lance's laughter chased after him. Lance rolled his eyes. Surprisingly Keith was who visited him the most. Hunk and Pidge often came by (and of course Shiro and Curtis forced him over for dinner once a week), but with Keith constantly needing something or other he found they ironically ended up spending the most time together. Pidge thought it was funny.

"Hi Kosmo!" He greeted when the space wolf popped up next to him a few moments later "How are _you_?" He beamed, kneeling down to pet the dog when he heard a sharp gasp. Instantly he froze. His family was away for the week... Nobody else should be on the farm but-

"Take a step back," He warned sharply and before the person could react he had leveled a gun at their head. Keith had been right. The paladin habits didn't easily fade away. "Who are you?" He asked and the girl rose her hands, eyes wide as she looked at him with mouth gaping.

"You... You're _Altean_?" She spluttered. Lance wasn't entirely sure why this was a shocking revelation so he just narrowed his eyes.

"His ears aren't Altean!" A new voice spoke and Lance spun his gun around as a new girl appeared. This time he felt his stomach drop - _Allura_. Or at least...The girl looked like Allura. He could immediately see some differences - her hair, while white, was braided back and the tips a dark purple... her eyes were also purple instead of blue and her markings were blue, like his. But...God, they still looked so similar... "Are you Lance McClain?" She asked, raising an eyebrow with a drawl.

"What's it to you?" He demanded, not lowering the gun. Sure, the girls seemed young, but he knew better than to let that put his guard down.

"We're looking for help."

"Jesus Christ, how many of there are you?" He hissed, as someone dropped from the tree above him. He also paused at the boy's appearance. He... He seemed familiar somehow. Lance felt his brows wrinkled.

"Too many," The Altean muttered and nudged the first girl "Merry Muffin, can you get him to put down the gun?" She asked and the girl scowled, crossing her arms over her chest as she glowered.

"Listen, I know this is kind of crazy to hear but we actually are part of Voltron and we need your help." The boy interrupted "There was an explosion earlier-"

"That was _you_?" Lance demanded and looked between the three of them. "Voltron has been gone for years-"

"Not in our universe," The boy interrupted and held out a hand "I'm Kaleb. Pilot of the Green lion. We're kind of trapped here and kind of hoping you could help us get home?" He said and Lance felt his confusion rising. "You're kind of the only person we can trust right now."

"I don't know you." Lance told him blankly. Nobody responded to him, instead just looking at him. He didn't see any armor... "Show my your bayards then." He sighed. It felt like the only real proof he was going to get.

Instantly the three reached back to reveal three very familiar weapons.

For the love of God.

* * *

"I _said_ get down and _don't move_."

"And _I_ said to _listen to me_."

"You're the one breaking into people's houses!" Keith snapped as he raised his blade in warning at the two figures in front of him. The girl glanced warily between Keith and alien in front of him who was had their hand on their hip, scowling at him. "I think you're the threat here."

"We just came to get first aid equipment. Sadie is hurt." The alien told him, nodding to where the girl was bleeding.

"Uh huh. Sure." Keith muttered and felt a stab of panic when he heard the door open. Lance. Fuck.

"Talis? Sadie? We found Lance!" Someone called and Keith felt a wave of confusion flow over him. What? Nobody moved as the steps came closer, the wood creaking with anticipation. "What are you - ah." A boy said as the door swung open. He looked at Keith and then to the other two. "Why do you always cause problems?" He asked the girl.

"Fuck off, I almost died." The girl scowled at him and to Keith's relief Lance appeared.

"Right. So if anybody starts a fight and breaks my stuff I'm going to be annoyed so chill out." He sighed, running a hand over his face. Keith rose an eyebrow. "We are apparently looking at Voltron from an alternate universe that cause the explosion this morning." He explained "I don't even know." He added as Keith straightened up. The alien immediately relaxed.

"Can someone help me?" The girl asked "I'm bleeding a lot, you know."

"Ah, shit. Sorry."

"Let her die."

"Shut _up_ , Kaleb."

* * *

"So let me get this straight," Keith asked as the five piled into the room "You somehow managed to shoot yourself into a different universe and _lose your lions in the process_?" He hissed "Who the Hell is your leader?"

"Easy," The boy - Kaleb - immediately jumped in. "This was only our second mission and Talis had to decide whether to leave us behind or-"

"I am." The alien interrupted and put a hand on Kaleb. They leveled their gaze at Keith. "I know it looks bad, but my only other choice would have been to leave my teammates behind...As Kaleb mentioned." They added with a smile at the boy. "Surely you - of all people - understand?" And Keith wasn't sure he liked the knowing look in their eyes. Still, it wasn't smug. If anything they seemed more upset by the situation than anyone else.

"I exist in your universe?" He asked and for some reason the girl from earlier - Sadie - snorted.

"You were our...Predecessors." Talis explained calmly.

"We were _predecessors_?" Lance asked, handing out some food "Nice. Which one of you pilots the blue and red lion?" He asked and the Altean and Sadie rose their hands. " _Awesome_. Was I a cool mentor?" He asked and the Altean clicked her tongue.

"My m - I mean, Allura mentored me." She shrugged and popped some food in her mouth. "It was _so_ boring."

"You were cool," Sadie told him "But Kaleb gave me a lot of crap for it." She added and the boy glowered.

"Why?" Lance asked, mystified "Don't you pilot Green?"

"I - _yes_. But this little weasel didn't need to come in and steal my-"

"Kaleb." Talis interrupted and pressed their face in their hands and looked back up towards Lance and Keith. "Can you...Please just help us? _Please_?"

"Pidge is only a few hours away," Lance shrugged, "I could probably call Shiro and Curtis too...Hunk might be on a mission..." He mused, tapping his lips. One of the other girls - Thea? Yeah, Thea. She stiffened, head tilting a bit to the side as she registered Lance's words.

"Shiro and... _Curtis_?" She asked and Lance nodded.

"Yeah...Does he not get married in your universe?" Lance asked and everyone groaned, suddenly passing around money much to Keith's bewilderment.

"Oh he got married alright... What ever happened to his other fiancé? Adam?" Thea asked, slapping a couple dollars in the Altean girl's hand.

"He...Died in the war," Keith answered slowly and Thea blinked at that, tensing. "Wait. Is he alive where you-"

"Why do you have Altean markings?" Kaleb interrupted, looking Lance up and down. "You aren't like...Full Altean." He noted and internally Keith panicked. Allura wasn't a good topic for Lance. However, the boy seemed unbothered by the question and merrily touched his markings thoughtfully.

"Uh...Well, I fell in love with one of the other paladins - Allura - and after she died this happened." He shrugged and the group stared. For a second Lance shifted, looking a little uncomfortable before a sudden whirlwind of yelling began.

"You _what_?"

"With Allura?!"

"She died? Like actually died? How?"

"Oh my God, she died _after falling in love with you_?"

"Whoa," Lance said reeling back "Um...I guessing that doesn't happen in your universe?" He asked and everyone collectively shook their heads. Kaleb and Talis both seemed particularly distraught by this revelation and leaned slightly away from Lance, noses wrinkled in identical expressions of mistrust.

"That...Explains a lot though," The Altean commented "I can't believe you fell in love with my mom. Super gross, Lance."

" _Bandora_!"

"Your _mom_?" Lance choked and Keith froze. Wait. _Wait_. "You're...? Are you serious?" He demanded and everyone groaned. "Are you...Is anyone else a kid of someone we know?" He asked and there was a long pause. The kids all looked at one another. Slowly, the one with black hair and eyes raised her hand.

"You know James Griffin?" She asked and waved "That's my dad."

"I hate that guy." Keith informed her.

"Yeah, trust me. I know." She rolled her eyes and Thea clapped her hands together, ignoring Kaleb loudly trying to keep them from revealing their identities. Talis patted him on the back in sympathy.

"Shiro and Adam are my parents!" She volunteered and this time it was Keith's turn to choke on the water he just took a sip of. "...they're going to be so annoyed about this Curtis thing...Can we just not tell them?" She asked the others and Bandora shook her head. "Come on, Dora. Please?" She asked and Bandora pursed her lips, twirling a long piece of hair between her fingers.

"No, I am definitely telling them. Uncle Adam is going to lose his mind."

" _Really_?" Thea growled and Lance rose his hand before pointing to where Kaleb was rolling his eyes. He looked at Lance with a bit of wariness before turning to Talis.  

"Keith's kid?" He tried and when Keith gaped at him shrugged "He looks _just like you_. Just with. Like. Better hair and blue eyes. Plus, wasn't your dad's name Kaleb?" He added. Keith had no idea _how_ Lance had that information, but he wasn't wrong... Horrified, he looked over at where Kaleb was frozen, eyes wide. Honestly, Keith thought he had looked a lot like Lance...

Who would he even _have_ a kid with?

"Let's move on," Talis interrupted quickly. "Could we stay here tonight to regroup?" They asked and Lance shrugged.

"I guess... I would like to see Red and Blue again..." He added with a smile "Let me know if you manage to find them." He added and the group all threw out their promises to do just that. Immediately they all got up, rushing to find a room when Lance called Bandora back. "Hey... Who's your dad?" He asked and the Altean rolled her eyes.

"I have two moms," She shrugged told him "And don't worry, you are....Very much in love where I'm from. It's disgusting. My mom said the wedding was ridiculous."

"I got _married_?" Lance spluttered. As if he should be surprised. Keith was a little confused as to why he hadn't found anyone in _this_ universe to settle down with. He supposed Allura was a huge reason for that. Still, it had been years...

"And kids...Two of them. They annoy me greatly." Bandora said, crossing her arms over her chest. Her eyes flickered to Keith and something _almost_ akin to a smile hinted at her lips. "Do you want to know about you?" She asked and Keith narrowed his eyes. He wasn't sure he liked the look she was giving him. He shrugged. "Well...Kaleb is your kid," She said, looking over her shoulder to make sure her teammates disappeared "Talis too."

" _Really_?" Lance gasped "I didn't see that coming."

"Yeah so be a bit nicer...And I say that as an advocate of not be nice to people. It's just that trying to fill your shoes isn't easy and Talis is about to lose their damn mind trying. It makes them _so_ annoying." She finished and someone upstairs called her. "Bye losers." She said and disappeared around the corner. Lance turned to him.

"Oh my God-"

"Don't."

" _You're a dad-_ "

"Shut up!" Keith said, a little overwhelmed. He had _kids_? What the actual Hell? What the _fuck_? He looked up at Lance "...do you have any tequila?" He asked and Lance snorted, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Not the wisest idea with your _children_ in the house, Keith."

"SHE SAID YOU HAVE THEM TOO, LANCE!"

* * *

Lance had thought that his life of weirdness had ended when Red had basically give him the equivalent of the 'it's not you, it's me talk' talk before flying off with all of the other lions to wherever the Hell they went. He liked to think they just went to an isolated planet and were having some wild party until it was time for them to choose new paladins and save the world again.

Meanwhile, Lance's house had been crashed by a bunch of kids who were apparently related to his friends and...they were kind of disasters. Not to be rude - Shiro and Allura (and sometimes Keith and James) were all wonderful, but really. This was ridiculous. Dora was...Uh, different than her mother in personality. He could tell because when he went upstairs to ask if they needed anything he found her upside down on the bed, eating a bag of chips he didn't remember handing out as Sadie and Kaleb loudly screamed at one another in the background.

"...do they do this a lot?" He asked her and Dora blinked at him before glancing up at where Sadie was loudly mimicking Kaleb in a high pitch voice.

"Nah," She answered and took a bite of a chip "They do this more than a lot."

"Oh."

"If you have a really big hammer, I know how to make them stop." She suggested and Lance could only stare. "No? Leave me alone then."

"You're so rude, Bandora." Thea scowled at her and grabbed Lance's hand. "Are we being too loud? Sorry. It's been a tense couple hours...I can get them to stop. One second." She told him and before Lance could react, walked between Kaleb and Sadie, placing a hand on either of them. Magically, they both fell silent as they turned to look at her. "People are trying to sleep so maybe pick this back up later?" She asked and then grinned "I can even make cookies as a peace offering!"

"Why would you need to be the one giving the peace offering?" Kaleb asked blankly and Sadie rolled her eyes.

"So you're just going to give her a reason to _not_ give us cookies?"

" _You_ shouldn't get any cookies-"

"Nobody can have cookies if you guys are fighting," Thea interrupted "Let's go to bed. We have a long day tomorrow of finding lions." She smiled and Kaleb grumbled something under his breath before nodding and kissed the side of Thea's head.

"Whatever you say, T." He sighed and threw one last look at Sadie before jumping in bed with Dora (who promptly tried to push him off). Lance just backed out of the room, not sure of why he even bothered to enter in the first place. This was very strange. Very.

And when strange things happened to him there was one place he tended to go to be alone and think. Or...Well, usually be alone.

"Sorry," Talis said, glancing up at him from where they were sitting among the juniberries. "Am I not supposed to be here?" They asked and Lance shrugged, sitting down next to them. He got the feeling Talis was...Unusually subdued. He didn't know why - considering he had only known them for a few hours - but something told him the alien was usually full of more energy.

"Is something, uh...Bothering you?" He finally asked as he looked up at the sky. He was a little surprised Talis had even found this place. It was nestled within the overgrowth of the glowers and vines next to the house, only giving enough of an opening to look at the sky and the tops of the hills rolling by.

"No!" Talis said quickly and laughed, running a hand through messy hair. "I just...Keith. He, uh...Seemed unimpressed that I landed us in this situation."

Ah.

"Well...I was around when he started piloting Black. It was a bit of a disaster." He shrugged and tilted his head "He's your dad, right?"

Talis jerked, eyes widening in surprise before glancing towards the window that led to where their team staying and sighed.

"Dora?"

"Yeah."

"Figured," Talis muttered "Yeah he's my dad... It's a...Trial." They admitted and hugged their knees "Not that he's a bad parent! Never." Talis added and sighed "No, it's just...I mean, it's _Keith Kogane_. I don't know what it's like here, but where I'm from he is kind of a big deal. The great leader of the great heroes..." They muttered and looked back into the stars "You should have seen his face when Black picked me."

"I know, Keith. I don't think he would be disappointed."

"Yeah...You've told me that before." Talis snorted "I know he isn't...But still. It all feels forced. I wasn't even meant to _be_ part of this family, you know. I snuck onto the Black lion after my dad had dropped me off at an orphanage. When he got back to Earth nobody knew what to do...I, uh, might have played the poor orphan card." They smirked and it faded after a moment "I think you were the one that convinced him to keep me."

"Doubt it. Keith never listens to me. Besides, you have a brother, don't you? He must have wanted kids."

"I'm older...But Kaleb has been around longer." Talis admitted "And he _does_ listen to you. Trust me on that." They added with a roll of their eyes. "At any rate... I just hate that I'm messing this up. And I know that my dad started off just as badly but...He got better. What if I don't?" They asked quietly "My parents...They're part of the most famous group of heroes ever. Kaleb has always been good with dealing with that...But then again _he_ is technically related to them." They said bitterly and Lance jolted at the fact. Kaleb was biologically Keith's.... Who could he had ended up with? It was a weird thought...That kind of made him a little uncomfortable if he was honest. 

"Well, I think you're going to do great." Lance said "You take care of your team...And responsibility for your actions. Those are signs of a good leader. The rest comes with time. The most important thing you can do right now is trust that you're going to do what you think is right and know that's enough...And Keith in any universe is a bit of an idiot so don't build him up too much in your head." He added with a roll of his eyes. Talis' lips tugged at that.

"I once saw him cry while watching _Shrek._ "

" _Shrek_?" Lance asked, raising an eyebrow "Which part?"

"When Fiona was about to marry Lord Farquaad."

"Oh, that's not a fair example. That part made me cry."

"No! It isn't that sad!"

"It _is_! With _Hallelujah_ playing in the background? And Fiona alone, trying to distance herself with _who she is meant to be_ because she doesn't think the world will accept her or that she can accept herself? Away from the love of her life? We can't judge him for crying at that."

"Oh my God."

* * *

Keith wasn't sure how to handle any of this so he did what he did best.

Threw himself into work. He had contacted the rest of the paladins - keeping the information limited - but asking for their help finding the lions. He had worked all through the night and by the time morning had rolled around he had made...Limited progress.

"Sleep is important," Lance informed him dryly, handing over a cup of coffee. Keith reached for a lemon cake placed on the table, but Lance easily slid it away. "Nah, those are for the kids."

" _What_?" Keith asked, aghast."You've known them for one day! And I've been working all night!"

"Yeah, but you're my arch nemesis and lemon cakes are for people who sleep." Lance told him brightly and Keith made a face.

"Arch nemesis," He grumbled "I guess Zarkon and Haggar were just mild inconveniences?" 

"I said what I said." Lance called, changing his shirt. Why _anyone_ would change their shirt in the middle of the dining room was unknown, but Keith couldn't find it within himself to complain. Lance's back was still scarred from the explosion all those years ago - but he noted now some Altean marks had formed over the jagged skin, making it glow slightly. He wondered where else he had Altean markings. "I'm going to feed the animals - let me know if you need anything!" Lance called and Keith waited until he was gone to reach for a lemon cake.

"I don't want to call you out," A voice said and the air shimmered slightly "But I think I just heard that Lance left those for us." Talis said and Keith jumped, jerking his hand away from the plate.

"You _can turn invisible_?" Keith spluttered and Talis crossed their arms over their chest, looking pleased with how shocked Keith was. 

"Be afraid, bitch." They said and Keith rose an eyebrow. He was so taken aback (and a little offended) he didn't notice when Talis took the plate of lemon cakes and dumped them all in a bag. 

"...Excuse me?"

"I can't call you that where I'm from so I'm taking advantage of the situation... _Bitch_."

* * *

Lance was getting real tired of people just strolling up to his farm and making themselves at home.

"Don't. Move."

"Or what? You'll shoot me?" Lance demanded, tossing his shovel to the side "Why can't you people let me work in peace?"

"Where are the paladins?"

"You're going to have to be more specific," Lance said dryly, taking in figure in front of him. The suit looked to be Garrison issued with orange and white coloring - the helmet covering up the person's face. "I happen to be an ex-paladin of Voltron myself. Don't know where everyone else is at though." He shrugged and tilted his head "So I guess you might have to kill me."

"I'm not here to kill anyone."

"Oh?"

"Just tell me where the paladins are. Now." The voice said and Lance scoffed. The guy sounded like some sort of robot with his voice muffled, but there was still a strange hint of familiarity to it. Lance smiled back, crossing his arms. At this point in his life... He was far passed feeling fear at these kind of people. Instead he let the man point the gun straight to his forehead and just looked back.

"Still not here to kill anyone?" He asked sweetly and another voice came from a few feet behind him,

"LANCE! STOP!"

Keith. Lance felt a wave of panic. He hadn't had time to warn him. And what was he supposed to stop? _He_ was the one with the gun pointed at him. However, to his surprise the figure in front of him lowered the gun. Lance blinked.

"They're this way!" Keith called and Lance turned, mouth gaping. He was just going to _turn the kids over_? What the Hell? He went to ask what the quiznak he thought he was doing, but paused when he met his friend's eyes. "....Lance? You're Altean here?" Keith asked - or...Some version of Keith asked. He was wearing the same suit the other guy was wearing, except his helmet was removed, his hair tied back and face set in surprise.

"His ears aren't pointed." The other one pointed and Lance slowly turned back to find he had removed his helmet as well. Holy shit. That was _him_. This felt very surreal. "So I'm not really sure what to make of that..." The other-version of him said bluntly. He looked him up and down, eyes sharp and cool. "Have you hurt them?" He asked, eyes narrowing.

"I haven't hurt _anyone_." He spat back and other-Lance pushed him back towards where Keith stood. "What are you _doing_?" Was this an evil version of them? Maybe they came from a different universe as all of them and trying to destroy everyone.

"Taking you with us - if my kids are hurt we need some sort of collateral." Other-Lance informed him and pushed him again. _His_ kids? What the Hell? Dora hadn't mentioned his kids were on the team... If it wasn't Dora or Kaleb or Talis or Thea...Holy shit, did he marry _James_? But...Kids? Plural?

"Easy, Lance." Keith said "We don't know he's done anything to them." Keith frowned "Listen - we just want to bring them home. Can you help us?"

He could not believe he chose a peaceful life as a farmer to deal with this.

* * *

Keith was getting real tired of these fucking kids.

Sure, they were slightly older than when he and some of the others became paladins (Pidge had been _fourteen_ ) but also...He was now getting his with the realization they were definitely too young to have saved the world.

"...so Uncle Lance fell in love with Allura. My dad fell in love with Curtis. What about you?" Thea asked, tilting her head "Are you with anyone? Oh my God - is it Aunt Pidge?!"

"No," Kaleb said loudly "No, no, no. I don't like that. That is no good. Don't answer that, okay?" Kaleb told him "As far as _I_ am concerned the only person he ended up with is my father so. No more." He said and Keith paused.

"Your...Father?" He repeated and Kaleb froze. Talis rolled their eyes, still walking around the kitchen in an attempt to find more lemon cakes. It appears they had as much of a taste for them as Keith did. Traitor. 

"Uh...Don't tell me you're straight in this universe?"

"Adam will never let this go." Sadie hummed and took another lemon cake from Talis "Kaleb... I just realized. Talis might exist in this universe, but _you_ definitely wouldn't. Isn't that awesome?" She said sweetly and Kaleb gave a fake laugh as he flicked her off. "Ah, I am at peace here..."

"You know what, Hale? I think-" Kaleb started, but was interrupted by a loud bang that made everyone jump. The door swung open and two figures walked in - one holding a gun loosely in his hand with Lance in front, looking mildly inconvenienced by it all. The group reached for their bayards immediately.

"Not to interrupt, but I'm being held hostage." Lance said and looked over his shoulder "See? I told you I didn't hurt them. Can you let me go, now?" He asked as Keith yanked out his own weapon to point at the man with the gun. He paused when Kaleb gasped, standing up quickly to step in front of Keith's gun - his bayard retracting from a large staff back into its non-lethal form. 

"DON'T SHOOT!" He yelled - a bit too loudly for such a small room "Dad?" He added over his shoulder and the gun lowered away from Lance as the person in the suit pushed him away. Thea slowly lowered her - wait, was her bayard an _axe_? 

"Kaleb. Thank God." A voice said and Keith was left to stare as the figures stepped further into the room.

...He was too old for this.

* * *

"So..." Lance said as he looked at the very strange version of him and Keith "Nice to...Meet you?" He tried and looked over at his Keith "This feels very strange."

"You think?" He muttered back and crossed his arms "How did you get here? Only the lions have the kind of metal to transfer through time and space." He demanded and the other Keith crossed his arms, looking himself up and down critically. In the end, he must have not valued the question that much because he ignored it altogether and turned to where Talis was standing.

"What happened?" He asked "Are you alright?"

"Yeah, everyone is fine." Talis said quickly "We were trapped outside the quadrant... Surrounded by sixteen ships of pirates and I didn't think we could take them all." Talis admitted and tugged at their sleeve "I...Made the decision to jump. I didn't _mean_ to leave the universe, but...It just happened." Talis winced and Keith tilted his head, looking them over critically.

"You and Black should probably get to know each other a bit better," He said slowly "One of you overpowered the jump...Obviously. You two need to be on the same page." He said and ran a hand through his hair before glancing at Lance "Pretty wild to accidentally jump out of the universe...We never did that." He murmured and Lance cleared his throat. Keith turned back, possibly noting how Talis' eyes lowered "Hey...That was still the best decision though. You were right that you couldn't have taken on sixteen ships." He said and Talis' shoulders slumped with relief. Keith must have noticed because he put a hand over his chest "Why...? Jeez, I'm not _that_ hard on you, am I?" He spluttered and Talis smiled. "How dare you-"

"Talis just compares themself to you a lot!" Kaleb yelled and the other version of Keith turned to Lance - an accusatory glint in his eyes.

"What? I don't compare myself to anyone..." He defended "I - for one - have never compared myself to you. If I did then you would _definitely_ lose."

"You set a terrible example," Keith told him and turned back to Talis "I'm proud of you."

"Gross." Dora said and turned to where the...Well, Lance considered them the _real_ Keith and Lance were watching with various expressions of confusion and apprehension "I told you. You guys are the worst." She said and waved her hands as she turned back "Are my moms coming?"

"They went to a different universe to search for you guys," Lance shrugged and ruffled Kaleb's hair as he walked by "You need to stop growing. You're almost taller than me." He informed him and Kaleb grinned, standing on his tip-toes so he was slightly above Lance's height. "You promised me when you were six that you wouldn't _do this_ Kaleb-"

"Well you told me Santa was real for sixteen years so we've both been lied to." Kaleb said and Sadie glanced up from her food to stare at him. 

"...sixteen?" She said dryly and tilted her head, dark hair spilling over her shoulder as she wrinkled her nose "Wow."

"Excuse me. I'm trying to have a conversation with my father so if you could just mind your own business that would be great." Kaleb sniffed and from across the room Lance stopped separating his mail (because despite the fact an AU version of himself was here  _he still had things to do_ ).  

"Wait. I thought Keith was your father?" He said slowly and the room paused. The other Lance looked around - seemingly baffled by the how everyone had frozen at the question.

"He...Is?" Lance said slowly and there was another long pause as he tried to piece this together.

"But he just said _you_ were his father?" He tried and Dora snorted. Talis made a face and took another bite of lemon cake.

"....Yes? He did. Are you okay?" Lance frowned, looking at him, bewildered. "Does the Altean version of me have memory loss or something?" He asked and Thea cleared her throat, gaining the attention of the room.

"This might be a good time to mention that you and Uncle Keith aren't married in this universe." She said and there was a few beats of silence as Keith accidentally dropped one of Lance's cups from the cupboard, eyes widening slightly. The shattering sound of the glass was the only noise for a few moments. 

" _Married_?" Keith choked out, voice going high. Dora rolled her eyes.

"Rumor has it that Uncle Lance fell in love with _my mother_ and that's why he has Altean markings." She informed them and the other Keith rose his eyebrows, turning to Lance - who gave a baffled shake of the head before they both turned to him.

"Why is everyone so shocked I fell in love with Allura?" He said loudly "Allura was amazing and beautiful and smart - why aren't we questioning why _you fucking married Keith_?!" He demanded because...What? Keith? _Keith_? "He's my rival! We never even liked each other for like...years!"

"So I just want to let you know that I cannot be held accountable to what he says," The other Lance told Keith "And as for Allura - wait. Why did you say she _was_ amazing?" He frowned and Keith (who was trying to clean up the broken glass), raised his hand.

"Allura died."

"Oh my God... Sex with a human _killed her_?"

"I...Why would you assume that's how she died?"

"Maybe it was just sex with _you_." Keith suggested and Lance gaped, hitting his arm.

"Hey! You like sex with me!"

"NOPE! STOP THIS NOW!" Kaleb said loudly "We don't need to have this conversation." He said and Lance held up his hands, but still gave Keith a small glare.

"I don't believe you two are really together," Lance said loudly "This is just you pranking us." He said and the pair looked at him. He turned to his Keith and gestured wildly "Do _you_ believe this?" He demanded and he opened and closed his mouth a few times. Before he could respond, the other version of him cleared his throat.

"I resent that," He said "I could come up with a _much_ better prank than dating Keith!" He said loudly and looked over the other man "We have to prove it to them."

"No, we don't."

"I didn't come here to be disrespected."

"We came here for _our kids_ , Lance." He said and Thea rose her hand.

"Hey...Us too, right?"

"Be quiet, Thea." Keith dismissed and was cut off by Lance kissing him. Everyone groaned. " _Lance_."

"I had to prove it to them, babe." He shrugged "Sorry." He said and Keith held up his hand, showing a band on his left hand before grabbing Lance's hand holding it up to show a similar one.

"Could we not have shown them this?" He asked dryly and Lance looked down at the wedding ring before shrugging.

"My way was more fun." He said and sneered over at where Lance was trying to process all of this still. " _See_? We _are_ together. Take that you...Weird, Altean farmer...Thing." He said and tilted his head "I'm actually very confused by how all of this happened." He added and furrowed his brows together "Should we get a farm?" He said and when Keith went to answer he paused.

"Wait...Do you remember that weird day with the purple light? And you were really into farming? And Adam hated Curtis?" He said and Lance gasped, placing a hand over his mouth. "That was like...Twenty years ago." He said and tilted his head "Do you think this is the same universe?" He whispered and Lance blinked.

"What the _fuck_ are you talking about?" Keith asked loudly and the pair turned to them.

"Hey...What exactly do you do now that your Voltron is over?" The other Keith asked him. The kids all leaned in.

"Uh...I still work with Blade as a Humanitarian aid-"

"I knew it!" Keith interrupted loudly and paused when a comm crackled to life. "Shit - I forgot to tell everyone we found them." He said and flicked it open, allowing voices to freely filter through. "We found the kids."

_"You did?! Dora, baby are you okay?"_

Allura. Lance's heart stopped. It had been years since he'd heard her voice. He swallowed, looking down at his hands as he tried to remember how to breathe. This wasn't really her...Just a ...Version of her that would never be same as the one he lost. A hand fell on his shoulder and he looked up to give Keith a grateful smile.

"Hi mom," Dora drawled "We're all tragically still alive."

_"Yeah - who cares? Where's my daughter? Thea?!"_

"I'm here, dad. Dora did say we were all alive." Thea piped up "We...Uh, found another version of Keith and Lance to stay with...This Lance owns a farm!" She said brightly "It's very pretty..." She added with a smile. Lance returned it, accepting her effort and compliment. The other version of him cleared his throat and leaned forward.

"Yeah...That reminds me. Is Romelle there?"

_"Yeah. What is it?"_

"In this universe...I slept with your wife."

"Nobody said you slept with her!" Dora said loudly "Stop being gross."

"That's how she died!"

"No it isn't I - oh my God." Keith groaned "Allura and Lance ended up together in this universe and Allura died... _That's all we know_." He said loudly "And this is clearly making the other versions of us uncomfortable so let's focus on getting everyone home, understood?" He said and there was a few beats of silence.

 _"Keith?"_ Allura's voice asked and there was another pause _"I'm sorry I stole your man in that universe."_

 _"HA!"_  Adam's voice yelled  _"Takashi, come listen to this-"_

 _"THEA?! Oh my God, I've been so worried - Adam, why didn't you tell me she was here? Are you hurt? Have you eaten? I put extra snacks in Yellow... Also, if you look in your pockets I put some pain medication there in case you get hurt."_  Shiro's voice came. Thea sighed.

"Daddy, I love you, but I'm an adult."

" _...no._ "

"Enough!" Keith groaned "Do you want our kids back or not?" He demanded and everyone went silent "Okay, so we're going to help them tap in with their lions to bring them back and then hitch a ride with them since our pods kind of exploded on the way in."

 _"They_ _what_?" Shiro's voice said loudly and Dora leaned over.

"Hi Uncle Shiro! You married Curtis in this universe. Adam died."

"God _damnit_ , Bandora!" Thea yelled as Adam immediately starting yelling in Spanish. Everyone groaned as Keith and Lance looked at one another. Lance leaned in.

"Is this the weirdest thing that happened to you?" He asked, lowly and Keith nodded. Lance handed him a lemon cake. They both deserved it with this nonsense. "Do you think we really got _married_?" He asked, skeptically and Keith narrowed his eyes at where the other Keith was absently grabbing at Lance's hands as he continued doling out orders. He paused and asked Talis what they thought they should do next, smiling slightly at Talis brightening.

"It...Looks like it. How do you think that worked out?"

"Well...I must have asked you out-"

"Why you? I could have asked you out."

"Obviously, I did." Lance told him with a roll of his eyes and Keith bristled "What? You wouldn't have the guts to ask me out, Kogane." Lance grinned at him "Anyways, you said yes - possibly for my lemon cakes - and then fell _hopelessly_ in love with me." He said and paused as he caught sight of Kaleb. Hadn't Talis mentioned that he was genetically theirs...? Before he could consider that, Keith spoke up, knocking his shoulder.

"I have a different theory."

"Oh yeah?"

"Uh huh. _I_ asked _you_ out and you freaked out and said no because you were insecure about your sexuality and then came back and said yes after finding out Shiro was gay...Then you realized you were in love with me _the entire time_ and that's why you started your whole rival thing." He told him and Lance scoffed. As if.

"I like my version better."

"Both your versions are wrong," The other Lance said, making them both jump "I wanted to see if I liked boys and Keith volunteered his service. We decided after awhile I should just keep on doing it." He told them without looking up from whatever log he was writing. The other Keith briefly glanced up to smile at him before looking back down at the comm.

"Wait - _really_?" Sadie grimaced "That's how you got together? Adam said that you had amnesia and we all decided to lie and say you were married to Keith." She said and the rest of the kids nodded in agreement. From the comms, Adam's laughter grew a bit hysterical. Keith glared down at it. Lance paused.

"...is that what happened?" He whispered and Keith turned to gape at him.

" _No_! Lance, you were _there_!"

"Just checking, just checking..." Lance shrugged and suspiciously looked his husband up and down. Lance turned his Keith.

"New theory-"

"Don't you dare." Keith said pointing a finger at him.

* * *

It was another few hours before the lions returned. Keith was still trying to digest it all as he waved at the kids before turning to find Talis standing behind him, arms crossed over their chest.

"Thanks for letting us stay." They said and Keith shrugged.

"It's Lance's house." He told them and Talis glanced over at where Lance was talking to the other versions of themselves animatedly. Talis smiled. "Allura...She was the real deal for him, huh?" They asked and Keith glanced down at the ground for a moment - thinking of his old friend. Hearing her voice over the comms...It had hurt. Based on Lance's face...It had hurt him more.

"He built this for her," He told them, gesturing to the juniberries "I've never seen him love someone like he loved her."

"I have," Talis said and looked over at them again "You know...You shouldn't feel guilty. Allura would have wanted him to be happy."

"Well, I don't think it matters what I do in other universes." Keith shrugged, jamming his hands into his pockets. Talis rose an eyebrow.

"I wasn't talking about other universes." They told him and slung a bag (full of Lance's damn lemon cakes - they better not have taken them all) over their shoulder. "I don't mean to diminish anything...Or get too involved, but... I think now that she's gone she might have been a chapter in a...book that might have been about you." Talis said slowly and Keith opened his mouth to argue, but stopped when a finger rose "Trust me. I'm good at knowing things I'm not supposed to." They winked.

Right. Keith scoffed.

"You...Are a good leader, Talis."

"I have good role models." Talis told him and walked past hitting his arm "Good luck, bitch." They called and the other Keith paused in his conversation to turn around.

"What did you just call me?"

"NOTHING!" Talis yelled and ran towards Black.

"Bye fake-dad!" Kaleb yelled as he sprinted by, pushing Sadie over before hopping into Green. "Hey! Papa, come ride with me!"

"I was going to visit Red-"

"I AM YOUR CHILD AND SADIE IS NOT!" Kaleb shouted and Lance slowly backed away from the Red lion to join his son. Keith shook his head, walking over to where his Lance was waving as everyone else jumped into their respective lions. Lance smiled.

"It was nice to see Red and Blue again..." He mused and turned to him "I saved you a lemon cake by the way."

"Oh thank God. I saw that Talis had a bunch." Keith sighed and Lance laughed, turning to head back in the house. Keith reached out and grabbed his wrist, turning him back around. There was a pause as Lance tilted his head at him, waiting patiently for something. "Uh...I just...I had another theory of how we ended up together." He said quickly and Lance rose his eyebrows.

"Shoot."

"Well...Um... These random kids crash on your farm and we found out that they are our family in some strange, foreign universe and after they leave I...Kind of ask if you want dinner?"

He regretted everything. This was a bad idea. Lance froze. Fuck. He still wasn't over Allura. How could Keith even _think_ for a second-

"Not bad... Let me raise you _this_ , Kogane. Random kids crash on my farm and we found out they're our family and _I_ ask _you_ if you want dinner...And dessert because obviously I am super romantic and would have dessert." He said and Keith took a moment to process the words before narrowing his eyes.

"Random kids crash on farm. We find out they're family. I ask _you_ to dinner, dessert, and... A movie."

"Hm...Nice try. Random kids crash on farm. They're family. I ask you to dinner, dessert, movie, and..." Lance tapped his chin and Keith groaned.

"Oh, _come on_." He laughed and dragged him back towards the house "Let's call it a tie."

" _Never_. I can one-up you in any universe."

"We'll see about that, McClain. I have on good authority that _I_ was the one that proposed to you in that universe..."

" _You are filthy liar_ -"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think Pidge's drunk Voltron will be next...Or maybe I might be one other oneshot in first if my inspiration is running short. We shall see. Thanks for dropping by!
> 
> Also, I can't remember if I posted the ages of everyone in the family so if you want to see that, check [here to see how old everyone is.](https://caffeinatedflumadiddle.tumblr.com/search/family%20ages)


	32. Basically Switched

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I lied. Drunk Voltron is still coming, I just forgot that I wrote this. Here's another pre-series oneshot featuring the most neglected character in the series lol.

Growing up, Lance and Rachel's favorite movie had been the Parent Trap.

Yes, they knew it was old. Rachel was pretty sure it was the first movie ever made, but that doesn't mean it wasn't _awesome_. How can it not be? It's about twins who stole each other's identity to complete a righteous mission. Awesome. No arguments.

Weirdly enough, Rachel and Lance had a harder time switching identities than the twins in the movie. It was strange - they were twins after all. Same eyes, hair, face... they used to spend hours comparing one another and always were baffled as to how people could ever tell them apart. Eventually the obvious dawned on them when they were around nine.

Rachel had long hair and Lance's was short. Duh.

It was this knowledge that allowed them to put their final and most important plan in action. Operation...Garrison Trap.

"You look so cool!" Lance gasped as Rachel walked into the room, twirling around in her brother's Garrison uniform. They had been planning this for _months_. Rachel, while having very limited interest in piloting, had always been curious about Lance's weird American school. He complained about it enough that she finally asked if she could visit with Luis. As soon as the visit was confirmed she had called Lance and begged for them to pull off a classic McClain switch. He, eager to ditch school while still be counted present, had easily agreed.

"Do you think it fits right?" She asked, fidgeting at the hems of the uniform. Lance looked her over critically before nodding and fixing one of her sleeves.

"Definitely," He reassured her and pulled out a small earbud "Look! I got it from Adam - it's like it the movies. I can _talk to you_ through it!" He said excitedly and Rachel gasped, popping it in her ear. Lance danced over to his bed and pulled out a small looking remote. "Can you hear me?" He whispered into it and his voice echoed through the ear piece.

This. Was. Awesome.

"Okay, okay." Rachel said "So Adam is a teacher, Hunk is your best friend, Daniel is your roommate.." She listed off as Lance brushed her hair out carefully. She had been training for this day forever now. "Be careful!" She yelped when Lance brought out the scissors "We only have one shot at this!" She growled at him and Lance muttered under his breath. There was a long pause and very slowly a snip followed. Lance handed her a hunk of her hair.

"We're committed now." He said solemnly and Rachel would have nodded in agreement if her wasn't forcing her to keep still as he cut. At twelve years old, they figured this was the only time they could get away with this. Lance cut another piece of hair off. Rachel hoped it grew back fast. She liked her hair long.

A full twenty minutes later, Lance stepped back and looked her over.

"I did it." He whispered. Rachel beamed at him. Twin power was _awesome._

* * *

"Who are you?" 

Rachel could not believe this. Taking a long breath, she glowered at the boy in front of her and slammed her tray of badly seasoned chicken in front of her. Why was chicken being served at breakfast anyways? Was this an American thing? Her mama would _never_.

"I'm your _best friend_ , Hunk." She sniffed and the boy stared at her blankly.

"My best friend is Lance."

"I know," Rachel reasoned "I'm Lance. Now, how has your morning been?" She asked lightly as she attempted to cut the rubbery chicken into pieces. Hunk blinked, mouth a little agape as he watched her work.

"You're...Not Lance."

" _Excuse me_?" She asked, raising an eyebrow "I'm not Lance? Well then. Maybe _you're_ not _Hunk_!" She told him and crossed her arms "Have you considered that?"

"What? Of course I'm Hunk!"

"Well, obviously I'm Lance!"

"But you aren't!"

"But I am!"

Silence. From her ear piece, Rachel could hear her brother giggling in the background.

"Tell him that I know his favorite color is tangerine orange!" Lance suggested and Rachel jutted out her chin as she let her eyes flick up and down her brother's best friend. She supposed Hunk would be the hardest to fool. Still, she didn't think it would be quite this difficult.

"I know you're favorite color is tangerine orange." She finally said and Hunk reeled back at this information, almost letting his fork clatter to the floor. Rachel took a bite of chicken. It was disgusting.

"Dude...You look kind of different today," Hunk shook his head, eyes narrowed "Like...I _swear_ you aren't you."

"Oh, Hunk." Rachel sighed and put her chin in her hand "In a way...Aren't we _all_ me?" She asked, raising an eyebrow. Hunk stared.

"Nevermind. I don't know why I doubted you." He said and Rachel grinned as she finished her meal.

* * *

"Cadet McClain!"

"Present!"

A pause. Rachel watched as the teacher slowly paused to turn around and look at her. She had thought since Lance had a substitute today that it would be even easier to continue her day under the radar. The man's stare told her she was anything but incognito. What was she doing wrong?!

"Um...Alejandro McClain?" The man repeated and Rachel rose her hand. The teacher stared.

"Are you sure?"

"Of what?" She asked and the man looked back down at the paper.

"Just...In general," He said and when Rachel said nothing, Lance suddenly groaned through her ear piece.

"Wait. Is your substitute wearing glasses?" He asked and Rachel gave a low affirmative "That's Adam. I recognize his voice."

Ah, mierda.

"What do I do?!" She whispered as Adam continued to go through the roll, throwing wary glances in her direction "How come he knows?! We're twins! Why is this happening?!"

"I don't know! I told you I have a different aura than you!"

"There is no such _thing_ as auras, Alejandro!"

"Yes there is, Raquel!" Lance snapped back and Rachel bristled. She hated it when he called her Raquel. She was trying to make the English-variant of her name stick. She supposed she did call him Alejandro first...

"Um..." A boy frowned at her "Are you okay?" He asked, raising an eyebrow. Rachel flushed, realizing she had been muttering to herself for the past ten seconds. The boy tilted his head, waiting for her answer. Lance swore in her ear.

"Who is that? Tell him that I have multiple identities or something! Or that I-" Before he could continue, Rachel smiled and pulled the bud out of ear, discreetly tucking it in her uniform. There. Now she could at least think clearly. The boy was still staring at her, probably wondering what the Hell she just was picking at her ear for.

"I - Uh. Stressful day." She shrugged and tried to do that whole twin connection thing so she could channel Lance's energy. "It's a lot of work to be this awesome!"

"Um...Sure." The boy said warily and tilted his head "Are you new? I don't think I've seen you before... But then again, I'm not usually in this class." He mused and slunk lower in his seat, kicking the tiled floor. Rachel felt a small jolt at that - though she couldn't figure out why. Nerves... Probably.

"Then why are you here now?" She asked and the boy gave a long-suffering sigh, blowing hair out of his eyes as he scowled at the front of the room.

"The dumbass up there is my guardian's boyfriend." He explained "He said I have to come because _apparently_ my teacher complained about me not handing in my homework." He said with a roll of his eyes. Rachel frowned.

"Why didn't you turn it in?" She asked and he leveled her with an exasperated look. Something in her gut told her that her brother would not take kindly to such a look aimed in his direction so she threw it right back at him. "What? Are you some kind of cool kid? Thinking you can get away with anything because you have a mullet or something?" She sniffed, doing her best Lance impersonation. The boy snorted.

"Really? You go straight for the hair?" He asked and rose an eyebrow "Your hair looks like a kid chopped it off." He said and Rachel gasped.

How _dare he_ make the correct assumption?!

"Yeah!? Well... _You_...Um..." Rachel stumbled. What would Lance say? _What would Lance say_? She was beginning to regret ripping him out of her ear. "You're stupid." She finished lamely. Damn English. Comebacks were hard when you weren't used to speaking it. The boy laughed.

"What did you say your name was...?"

"Lance," Rachel told him "I'm a cargo pilot in my second year." She shrugged and internally winced. Lance wouldn't want her to mention the cargo pilot thing. Whoops.

"Lance...?"

"You don't get to know my last name. You're rude." Rachel informed him and crossed her arms. "Besides, the teacher said it earlier. It isn't my fault you weren't paying attention." She reasoned and the boy scoffed and turned back to the front.

"Well, I'm Keith." He told her "I would tell you my last name, but _you're_ kind of rude so...." He trailed off. Rachel glared. Ooh. He would make her brother so mad. He was smug and emo and lax and cute and - _He was cute_. Oh no. Rachel felt her stomach sink. Out of pure sibling loyalty she had proclaim her brother was the pretty good looking (and by extension, her as well). Which _meant_ there was a very good chance that Lance was being flirted with via her.

Oh no. Not _her_ brother. Lance was only twelve! This boy didn't look much older. Nevermind that Lance didn't even like boys or that the boy might not have been flirting at all. Rachel could not, in her sisterly duty, allow this Keith to think her brother was on the market. There was only one thing to do.

"I lied." She announced "My name isn't Lance." She told him and Keith turned to her, looking vaguely amused by this announcement.

"Really?" He asked "What's your real name then?"

Uh...Crap. What fake name would suit Lance? Inwardly, she felt a rush of panic before letting pure Lance instinct take over.

"They call me Taylor." She told him flatly and gave a dazzling grin "Because of how I thread the needle."

* * *

"I meant to make a boy stop flirting with you and accidentally flirted with him back," Rachel sighed as she put in her ear piece in after class. "I kind of panicked."

"Eh. I panic flirt all the time, don't worry about it." Lance dismissed, his mouth sounding full of food "But don't take me out again! I was so bored just laying in bed! I can't give you advice like that!" He pouted and Rachel snorted.

"You're advice _sucks_."

"You're a real _puta_ , you know that?" Lance shot back. Whatever retort Rachel might have given was stopped when a hand landed on her shoulder as she attempted to exit the classroom. Jumping, she put her hand in position - ready to use what her abuela taught her when she realized who had gotten her attention.

"Ah...Hi Mr. Frasier!" She greeted warmly "Great class."

"You're not Alejandro."

"How dare you?" Rachel growled. She was getting real tired of this nonsense. They. Were. Twins. Why weren't people getting this? "I come to America for an education and you're going to...To _stereotype me_?" She demanded. In all honesty, she had no idea what stereotype meant, but Lance had used it a lot since coming to America so she figured it was safe.

"Rachel, _no_!" Lance hissed "That's not what that word means!"

Or not.

"I'm...I'm what?" Adam asked, pushing up his glasses. Rachel scowled at him.

"Sorry. Mistranslation."

"What did you mean to say then?" The man asked in perfect Spanish. Rachel stared. Unbelievable. Absolutely unbelievable. She shouldn't be surprised... If Lance liked an adult then it was probably because they spoke Spanish. Really, she should have seen this coming. Sighing, she pinched the bridge of her nose.

"I don't have time for this." She muttered in Spanish "My name is Alejandro McClain. Accept this or perish." She told him and the man pressed his hands together.

"Wha-"

" _Perish_." Rachel informed him and walked away.

* * *

"Hi Lance."

"Hi Hunk." Rachel greeted somberly as she plopped down next to him with her lunch. She stared down at the tray and sighed "It has been a long day, my friend. A long day indeed." She told him and took a bite of her food "This tastes like death." She informed him and Hunk grimaced.

"What happened?" He asked and Rachel considered, chewing her food thoughtfully before taking a long sip of milk.

"I'm having an identity crisis, I think." She told him "Do you ever think that you and another person are like...Two halves of _one_ person?" She asked and Hunk stared "And that you are practically the same? Except you realize that people see you as two _separate_ people and you might have to one day go separate ways?" She asked and from her earpiece heard Lance gasp.

"Are you talking about us?" He demanded "Rachel, of _course_ we are the same person. How dare you question this? _¿Por qué dirías eso?_ We're twins." He reasoned and Rachel put her chin in her hand. "We'll _never_ be separated."

"But you live in America now!" She argued and Hunk blinked.

"You live in America too, Lance." He told her, but Rachel ignored him in favor of hearing her brother splutter at the other end of the line.

"So? That doesn't mean we have to go in different directions. We've always been different! But that's why _together_ we make the perfect person. You can't just break up with me!" Lance argued "We're Alejandro Raquel!" He told her and Rachel bit her lip, stabbing absently at the plate.

"What if we're the only ones who think that?"

"What?" Hunk asked, eyes widening "Like...We're the only ones who think we live in America? I mean...Why would they try to trick us?" He asked and looked around "You think it's some kind of conspiracy?" He whispered and his eyes widened "Where do you think we really are? Canada?"

"What are you trying to say, hermana?" Lance asked, voice growing more upset "No more switching places? No more matching outfits? That we just act like... _Normal siblings_? Is that all I am to you? A normal, boring brother? Like Luis? Like Marco?" He said and Rachel put a hand over her heart.

"Never! God, no. We'll _always_ be cooler than them!"

"I think Canada is quite nice, actually..." Hunk frowned "Maybe you're just tired, buddy. Have you been sleeping well?"

"I don't know, Rachel. I just... This is a lot to take in. I always imagined we would carry out our life plans. Remember? You're supposed to switch places with me on my wedding day! And I was going to do the same at your graduation! Does that all mean nothing to you now?" He demanded and Rachel, buried her face in her hands, unable to take the distraught in her brother's voice. "Who am I supposed to be if I don't have you to balance me out? My own person? I don't know how to do that! Do you?"

"No..." She whispered and Hunk reached out to grab her hand.

"Why not? Have you tried drinking a glass of milk before bed? That helps me."

"Then why are you doing this?!" Lance continued "Rachel, you're talking nonsense."

"I'm never going to go to space with you!" Rachel argued back "And I only see you a few times a year now! This place is so _different_ from where we're from and what if it makes _you_ different?! And I can't keep up with that! Nobody here believes I'm you and that's because you've already changed and I don't know how to be you anymore!"

"What?! Lance, why would you want to be me?!" Hunk said "And why wouldn't you go to space with me?"

" _That's not true_! Rachel...Okay, I'm coming down there!" Lance said and before she could respond, the line disconnected. Hunk was still rambling about...What was he talking about? Rachel hadn't been keeping up with what he had been saying to her. After staring at him blankly for a few minutes, he seemed to get more distressed. Before she could calm him down, Mr. Frasier burst through the door of the cafeteria, two security guards by his side.

"SEE!" He said loudly, gesturing to Rachel "It's an imposter!"

Defeat. That was all Rachel could process. Slowly, she rose her hands in surrender. There was no use in resisting anymore.

"Shoot if you must. There is no need for me anymore." She whispered and Hunk gasped. The security guards looked at one another before turning to Mr. Frasier who seemed startled by the proclamation "I must learn to be who I truly am...And that is not this."

"....what?"

"I need to let go."

"Adam, are you sure this isn't McClain?" One of the guards asked "He's talking like him."

"I...I'm not sure anymore." Mr. Frasier frowned "Uh...Alejandro? _¿_ _Estás bien?"_ He tried and before Rachel could speak the doors slammed open again. 

"DON'T GIVE IN!" Lance yelled and the room fell silent.

"What the Hell?" Someone whispered "There are two Lances."

"Rachel. It doesn't _matter_ if we're different people. You're still the person who knows me better than anyone else in the entire world and you are going to be the person who knows me best for my _entire life_. There is nobody else who can be me as well as you. And I like to think I can be you better than I can even be me." He told her, ignoring the growing confusion of the room. "We can't just stop switching places because it gets hard! It just means we have to work a bit harder." He said and Rachel smiled crossing her arms over her chest. "Come on...Please?" He asked and she sighed.

"I...Guess, I would be really sad if I had to _just_ be me..." She reasoned and Lance grinned before sprinting across the cafeteria to hug her.

"WHICH ONE OF YOU IS THE REAL ALEJANDRO?!" Mr. Frasier yelled "Oh my God - there's been two of you the _entire time_? What lies have you been hiding?" He shouted and looked at the ceiling "I am too old for your tricks! Also, I'm not sure if I have to count you absent from class..."

* * *

"How do I look?"

"Awesome! Keith will never know the difference." Lance said, fixing her hair under the wig "How about me?" He asked and Rachel narrowed her eyes at him, looking him up and down critically.

"Fantastic. The eyeliner really sells it." She said brightly "So...What exactly is the plan? When should we switch back?" She frowned, fixing Lance's dress "I don't want to accidentally marry your fiancé." She told him and Lance grimaced at that. "I mean, no offense. Keith is great...I would know since _technically-_ "

"Rachel, I love you...but I don't think that accidentally meeting him while pretending to me when we were twelve is the reason we're getting married." He told her and bit his lip "Okay...Uh... Well I have a tux underneath this dress-"

"You don't want to get married in the dress? It looks fantastic!"

"Yeah, but look!" Lance argued and pulled out his tie "It has lions on it! Plus I want to dramatically rip the dress and wig off and have the crowd gasp when they realized they've been fooled." He explained and Rachel shrugged. That was fair. "I'm not taking off the makeup though. It looks amazing." He added and Rachel grinned. "So maybe right before you say I do?" He said.

"Good plan," Rachel nodded "Or no! When he asks if anyone objects you can say 'I do! Because he should marry _me_!' and then reveal yourself!"

"Oh my _God_ , that's awesome!" Lance gasped "Okay, okay. Let's do this!" He said and situated himself behind her. He turned to glower at Veronica, Hunk, and Adam who were watching them with various expressions of exasperation. "Don't you _dare_ try to tip anyone off!" He warned them all and Rachel could only scoff as she took her parents' arms (who strangely had nothing to say on the matter) and start the walk down the aisle.

"Hi Rachel," Keith greeted quietly as when she reached him. "You don't plan to do this during the honeymoon, do you?" He asked and Rachel smiled before grabbing his hand, jerking him closer so she could whisper in his ear.

"If Lance knows that you know...I am going to slit your throat while you sleep my dearest brother-in-law." She told him sweetly "So be nice and play along...Because I can promise you that I, alone, have the sole power to destroy you..." She finished and Keith nodded slowly. While he didn't seem outwardly fearful, his eyes had widened an inch more.

"Uh...You look great, Lance." He said and from behind her, she could hear Lance giggling. Keith scoffed a bit when he heard it, but the smile disappeared when he saw Rachel's glare. "Is this what the rest of my life is going to be like?" He asked and Rachel grabbed his hand as the priest cleared his throat, starting the ceremony.

"Welcome to the family."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me upon learning Rachel's name: Ah. So Lance and her are the only two with non-Hispanic names... They must be twins.


	33. Basically It's a Wedding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one is a little long...but i figured i should finally give you Klance's wedding.

Lance...Was panicking. Just a little. A teeny tiny bit.

_"Today is a big day for the universe! Paladins Keith Kogane and Lance McClain will be getting married later in the afternoon! The ceremony has strictly closed to personal friends and family with the couple taking arguably extreme measures to ensure privacy by spending almost a year in wedding planning to have their venue at a secret location. People have spent weeks trying to figure where it could be. Some of the top guesses online have included the Altean Colony, Cuba - McClain's home - and a remote planet called Galrina. However, most recently there have been inside sources saying that the construction for a new military base at the bottom of the ocean isn't actually a military base at all, but where the wedding will take place-"  
_

"You look like you're going to throw up." Lance turned off the TV to see his twin standing in the doorway, brow raised as she crossed her arms over her chest "Don't tell me you're having second thoughts...?"

"No!" He yelped "Of _course_ not. I just...It's happening." He said, wringing his hands nervously "It's like...Actually _happening_." He murmured, running his hand through his hair. Rachel smiled at him and held up two shopping bags wordlessly "You got the stuff already?" He asked, a little surprised at how prepared she was.

"Please. This is about to be the greatest switch we've ever pulled off. I've had this ready for _months_." She told him as she walked in, kissing his cheek. From behind her there was a long sigh as Veronica entered the room behind her little sister, pushing her glasses up with two fingers.

"You two are still going to try and go through with this?" She asked and glanced over her shoulder. "Luis! Marco! Get in here!" She yelled and immediately there were two sounds of running feet as Lance's siblings all managed to push their way into his room with various expressions of either excitement or annoyance.

"Are you excited?" Luis asked, rushing over to grab his brother's arms "Don't worry if you're nervous - I remember when I married Lisa I wanted to cry the entire time." He said and Lance smiled. He wanted to point out Luis _did_ cry during his entire wedding, but Marco had cleared his throat, interrupting his thoughts.

"Kosmo is in the wedding, right?" He asked and Lance rose an eyebrow at him "Look, I told you I was only coming for the dog...And maybe to see if you puke during the ceremony-"

" _Marco_!" Veronica hissed "He isn't going to-"

"I've done the math. There's a forty-six percent chance he is." Marco interrupted and wrinkled his nose "Also, you _did_ get a vegetarian meal for the dinner right? I'm not eating flesh of innocent animals just to celebrate a meaningless piece of paper and two hunks of metal on your fingers." He said dryly and Lance took a long breath.

"I told them to have a vegetarian station, but I am _not_ going to stop mama or abuela from eating their fill of meat, Marco. We've been over this-"

"Oh my God, none of that _matters_ right now!" Rachel interrupted "We have eight hours until this wedding starts. _Eight._ Marco you can go check on the food if that's so important to you." She said and when Marco immediately headed towards the door, Veronica followed close behind to make sure he didn't destroy the non-vegetarian options. "Luis...You're in charge of keeping him calm." She said and looked at her older brother "You are the only other married person in the family. You got this."

"I think I'm pretty calm." Lance shrugged and when Rachel looked at him doubtfully, frowned "Hey!"

"If you change your mind, that is _perfectly okay-_ "

"I'm not going to ditch Keith on our wedding day."

"I didn't say you were!" Rachel objected "Just...If you _did_ I would help you." She shrugged and Lance narrowed his eyes.

"Uh huh...Why is your mouth moving, but Adam's words coming out?" He asked, leaning forward slightly. His sister looked at him for a few seconds.

"He gave me a Sephora giftcard...I was going to split it with you!" She added quickly and Luis sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one in this family who is on poor Keith's side," He said and when Lance gestured to himself snorted "Your worse than anyone, Alejandro. Don't even." He scoffed and walked over to where his brother's tux was. "Okay, so your stuff is all here... Marco and Veronica are taking care of the food, Allura and Romelle told me that they were starting the decorations, and-"

"The cake!" Lance jumped in "I can go check on the cake." He nodded and his siblings frowned "What? I want something to do. We've been planning this for like...Months. I don't want to just spend the day here getting ready...It won't take me _eight hours_." He reasoned and Rachel bit her lip before shrugging.

"I guess... Just don't go find Keith, okay! It's bad luck!" She warned and tapped the end of his nose "And you have already had the worst luck with dying and all that so _no more_ , okay?" She reasoned and moved the bags from earlier in the corner of the room "Adam and I are going to meet you here in two hours, okay? To figure out what is left to be done. Luis - Mama said you were going to help seat people, right?"

"Might as well...Since, you know, I wasn't picked as a best man or anything." Luis muttered, glowering at Lance, who gave an apologetic smile. "Honestly. I love Hunk and Adam, but if you were going to pick _two_ best men I don't know why you couldn't have been even more extra and thrown Marco and I into the mix." He scolded and Lance clapped his brother's arm.

"I'm _sorry_ \- but you're one of my groomsmen!" He tried "Besides, Adam and Hunk were so happy-"

"Oh, save it." Luis scoffed and ruffled his hair "Go check on the cake, traitor. And remember if you see Keith...Turn the other way. No bad luck." He said and went to follow Rachel out the door. Lance snorted and waved. Right. No bad luck. No Keith.

* * *

"Hey there, handsome."

Keith jumped, looking up from his hiding spot to see Lance looming over him, hands stuffed into his pockets. He realized what he probably looked like in that moment...Covered in confetti and wrapped in a very large blanket while hiding under one of the tables set up in the reception area of their wedding. He was lucky Lance already agreed to this whole marriage thing because he wasn't making the best impression.

"Have you come to hide too?" He whispered and moved over so Lance could join him under the table.

"I came to check on the cake...But I am curious as to why _you_ are hiding." He reasoned and Keith peeked his head out, looking for signs of anyone else entering the room.

The way their wedding was set up...Well, the reception area was right next to the place the ceremony was taking place with the kitchen and hotel rooms all connected. A benefit to constructing their building at the bottom of the ocean was that they were free to add literally everything they wanted. The room was pretty much empty now, aside from the sea animals curiously poking at the glass outside. Allura had agreed to use some of her alchemy to allow the sun to reach the bottom of the ocean - allowing the whole place to shine a bright blue rather than pitch black. Keith stuck his head back under the table.

"They're driving me _crazy_ ," He admitted and opened up the blanket to reveal more confetti "Romelle threw this at me all morning and then Shiro started _crying_ and Adam came to help throw more confetti at me..." He groaned and tilted his head back "And my mom wants me to wear galran armor to the wedding still. I refuse to look ridiculous." He grumbled and Lance wrinkled his nose, possibly trying to picture it.

"Would your blade uniform work?"

"...I'm not wearing that to our wedding."

"Okay, but what about the Garrison uniforms we were given? The Red one?" Lance suggested and Keith sighed. He _wanted_ to wear that, but his mom had wanted something more galran. "Why did you wait until today to decide?" Lance laughed. Keith throw some confetti at him.

"I did decide...Everyone else just wants to add in their opinion." He grumbled and Lance tilted his head, moving a little closer to grab his hand.

"You can't hide all day." He told him and Keith narrowed his eyes. He did _not_ appreciate being underestimated. Lance must have realized this because he tried to tug the blanket away from him "I mean, I know you _can_ , but you shouldn't. Come help me with the cake... Hunk said it was really pretty." He tried and Keith relented slightly. He supposed if he had to leave the safety of the table he could leave with Lance. Besides, the cake was said to be one of Hunk's best creations.

"You know, I heard it is bad luck for us to see each other on our wedding day." He said and Lance grinned before leaning forward to kiss him.

"We're immune to bad luck, mullet. Besides, what's going to happen? The cake is going to blow up?" He laughed and slid out from under the table.

* * *

“I cannot fucking believe you,” Keith said as he looked at the mess in front of them “Lance I…. How?” He asked, running a hand over his face “Hunk worked hard on the cake!”

“Does it look like I did it on purpose?!” Lance snapped back, trying in desperation to piece the smashed cake into a semblance of what it had been originally. When it flopped back to the ground, he looked at his frosting covered hands in defeat “It was an accident! I just…I turned around and tripped and…Right. The wedding is in six hours. That’s enough time to order a new one, right?” He asked, wringing his hands together.

“Yeah, sure. I’m sure there’s quick delivery to the bottom of the ocean.” Keith told him and Lance scowled back “I’m just saying! We’d be better off making it ourselves.” He sighed and at that, Lance’s eyes snapped up. Keith stared back “We are not making our own wedding cake. We can’t bake.” He said and Lance shrugged.

“You’re the one who tried to use grocery store cake mix for Adam and Shiro’s wedding…How hard can it be? We just grab a few packs and bam. We have a cake.” He said, licking some frosting off his fingers. Keith snorted and kicked some cake at him. “Hey!” He yelled and threw some back. Keith grinned, silently accepting the invitation for an impromptu cake food fight.

* * *

“I was wrong.”

“What do you mean?” Keith asked as he measured some sugar “This is kind of fun!” He said and looked over to where Lance was desperately trying to mix ingredients together. 

“The recipe says there shouldn’t be any clumps and _there’s still clumps in here, what the Hell_?!” He snarled at the batter and Keith snorted, abandoning the sugar to help his fiancée.

“I could punch it.” He suggested and Lance sighed.

“Do not punch it.”

“…I can use my blade?”

“Keith!”

“You’re pretty stressed about this cake,” Keith noted, amusement dancing around his features. “Maybe we should take a break…”

“We can’t! Our wedding is literally in four hours and we’re supposed to be getting ready - Adam has been calling me non-stop and how am I supposed to tell him _I ruined our own cake_!” Lance moaned “There’s no way we’re going to get this done in time!” He added, glowering down at the batter. Keith frowned and abandoned his measuring to move a little closer to him.

“Lance…It’s okay. We’ll still be married at the end of the day, you know. Personally, I care more if you make it through this than if the cake does.” He added lightly. Lance didn’t smile.

“Yeah. Sure.” He said tightly “I just hope you know what you’ll be dealing with for the rest of your life. Me messing things up and unable to fix them.” He sighed and bitterly pushed the bowl to the side. Keith stared.

“Lance…”

“Sorry. Let me just-”

“ _Lance_ ,” Keith interrupted and tugged on sleeve “Can you just…Pause for a second? Please?” He added when the paladin looked like he might object. After a few seconds, he nodded. “Right. So I know we’ve been kind of…Overboard with the wedding.” He snorted, looking from the small cooking area towards the small hallway that led towards the venue “But it wasn’t meant to be stressful. It was kind of fun to prove everyone wrong, right?” He reasoned, thinking to how everyone had politely informed the pair that they should probably have a normal wedding. Lance had been _appalled_.

“It always is…” Lance admitted and Keith grinned.

“But I couldn’t care less where we got married. If you really want to, we can ditch the whole thing and just find some random downtown hall to do it. It doesn’t matter. But you do, okay? I’m not picky with the food choices or color scheme or….the cake. But I am picky with who I marry though and I want to marry you. So…There.” He finished and Lance rolled his eyes, but a small smile hinted at his lips. “Also, I definitely mess things up more than you do. Just ask Adam. In fact - ask Adam to say _anything_ about you. Trust me. It’ll be good.”

“He’s a bit biased.” Lance sighed and Keith shrugged.

“You being awesome is the only thing we agree upon. And it’s been…Years and _years_ of us disagreeing. You weren’t there for my first Thanksgiving.”

“I never did hear that story.”

“Sorry. You have to be husband-level clearance to have access to that story.” Keith shrugged and Lance laughed, narrowing his eyes as he gently pushed him away. “What? I’m just saying.”

“I can’t stand you,” Lance told him and picked back up the batter “Come on. Let’s just get this in the oven. Can you pour the sugar in?” He asked and Keith nodded, tugging Lance’s arm to kiss him real fast before adding the final ingredient.

“We should taste test it.”

“No! That’s so gross. We can’t have our spit in a cake that everyone else is going to eat!” Lance objected. His phone buzzed. “Oh thank God…Hunk is coming early to decorate it. Angel. He’s an angel.” He sighed and finished pouring the batter into the pan. “Thanks, Keith.” He added, wiping some flour on his brow. “That was very gay and gross.”

“You’re gay and gross.”

“I - how dare you? On my _wedding_ day?!” Lance gasped and there was a bang from somewhere outside as a door was slammed open.

“ALEJANDRO YOU ARE GETTING MARRIED IN LESS THAN FOUR HOURS AND YOU HAVEN’T BEEN ANSWERING ME!” Adam screamed. Lance froze.

“Ah, shit. Hide. He’ll freak out if he finds out we saw each other on our wedding day.” Lance whispered. Keith looked around, gesturing to the lack of hiding places “Just go in the oven with the cake. You’re galra. It’ll be fine.”

“I’m part _alien_ , not heat resistant!”

* * *

Lance wouldn't say he was _surprised_ to see Krolia in his room....but he was a little startled to see the woman sitting in an armchair with the lights off and knife out.

This was the family he was willingly joining. Fantastic.

"Are you going to try to fight me today?" He sighed as he flicked the lights on "We both know I'll lose."

"Definitely," Krolia agreed "Your human friend will not be able to fool me again..." She added, pursing her lips. "And am I right to assume you would not disgrace yourself by using my son as a distraction to win a fight against me?" She asked, raising a brow. Lance thought back to the terrifying fight between Adam and Krolia which ended with an injured Keith... God, he hoped his wedding went nothing like that one...So with that silent plea he nodded.

"Seems a bit counterproductive to shoot Keith in the chest just to marry him." He told her and laid out his clothes "Listen. I know what you're going to say... That I better treat him right, you'll kill me if I hurt him - all that?" He asked and Krolia continued to stare.

"You haven't always." She said and Lance paused.

"Haven't always what?"

"Treated him right."

Ouch. That...Okay. That probably deserved his full attention. He turned to look at her, crossing his arms as he considered to accusation. Krolia mirrored the position - and despite the threatening pose part of him had never been more comfortable around her. Perhaps because this was the first real conversation they were having. Most of their interactions had been pretty much walking on eggshells. Wariness. Silent disapproval...And then disgruntled acceptance of one another. He figured now was as time as any to right that.

"That's true," He admitted, thinking of his earliest interactions with Keith "I wasn't...Kind when we first met. I maybe went too far at times. Treated him more as a measure of myself than a person." He said and bit his lip "I won't say it was right...Or that I don't regret that. I learned from it, sure....but Keith shouldn't be there as punching bag until I grow." He sighed and met Krolia's eyes "But I have _never_ left him."

"And you disapprove of me for my choice to leave?"

"I understand you wanted to protect him...To keep him from the war...but his dad _died_ and you weren't even present enough to _realize_. Anything could have happened to him...And everything _did_. If you had spent five minutes to just...Investigate - to even send someone else check on him...You could have saved him a lot of pain. At some point it was less about him and more about you." He told her and Krolia stiffened.

"I knew if I saw my child or his father...I would want more than anything to stay and I could not risk that-"

"So better to let your child grow up alone?" Lance interjected "You're lucky he found Shiro because if he hadn't...This could be a very different story." Lance said and there were a couple of tense moments "He is probably too good for either of us." He finally sighed and Krolia scoffed, the tension slowly melting off of her as she ran a hand over her face.

"I have no right to act like a mother now. He chose you. I must accept it." She muttered and Lance grimaced. Hesitantly, he reached out and touched her hand.

"He forgives you...So I forgive you too. And I get that I haven't been...Well, ideal." He admitted "I'm probably too loud and don't take things seriously enough...And I am not at a galra level of fighting. _And_ I was kind of an ass to your son. It's fair for you to not be thrilled." He shrugged and Krolia rose her eyebrow.

"But...?"

"I love him?" He tried and Krolia stared before squeezing his hand back with a sigh.

"Do you want to know a secret?" She asked and Lance tilted his head in interest at that "You are _just_ like his father. You remind me so much of Kaleb that I... I don't know what to do with that information at times." She told him and smiled "He told me my hair was awful too." She said and touched it "I still don't know why humans are so obsessed with it." She frowned and Lance felt himself grin.

"It's a reflection of a character." He tried and Krolia snorted "That's what my abuela says...In reality it just makes you look cool." He told her and let go of her. "Thanks for coming to talk to me." He said and held out his arms. "Friends?"

"...I will hug you as a sign of animosity." Krolia informed him before holding out her own arms "Then I will leave."

"You didn't have to narrate it, but okay." Lance rolled his eyes, but let her go so she could exit the room. As soon as the door swung shut it was slammed back open to reveal Adam with a bunch of fake eyelashes and glue everywhere. To Lance's horror, tear tracks were stained on his cheeks. On his hip was a very giggly Thea, who seemed pretty please by all the catastrophe as she stuck another eyelash on her father's face. He opened his mouth to ask what happened, but Adam had already started speaking.

"I watched...six YouTube videos and I still don't know how to do this. Why must you marry this fucking Yorak guy?" He whined and peeled off a rogue eyelash on his arm "Why does the glue dry so fast? Why doesn't it go where I want it?" He whispered and Lance closed his eyes.

" _Why_?" Thea repeated loudly "...why?" She whispered and tried to put an eyelash on her nose.

"Don't call him Yorak and...Rachel was going to do my makeup, Adam. You didn't need to-"

"Rachel? Why Rachel? And I will call him Yorak as that is his name." Adam demanded, placing both hands on his hips. Lance bit back a grin as Thea stuck an eyelash in the middle of his forehead.

"Because I would assume she knows what her own makeup looks like?" He asked, looking around for his sister. They had agreed many years ago to pull a classic McClain switch on his wedding day...Meaning Rachel needed to be here to put his wig on and do her signature makeup look on him. "And that is _not_ his name as I have told you many times-"

"Rachel doesn't have to look at herself everyday," Adam argued, completely dismissing the Yorak argument "How would she know?"

"How?" Thea agreed and squealed as she looked over Adam's shoulder "RAY!"

"Bold of you to assume I don't look at myself everyday," Rachel's voice came from the doorway and paused to blow Thea a kiss. The girl giggled and blew one back. "....fake eyelashes?" She asked when she saw Adam. He nodded. She took a long breath and clapped him on the shoulder "They truly are a battle. They drain your will to live." She sympathized. Adam quietly went into an armchair and sunk lowly into it - looking out into the distance as Thea began to walk around and hug Lance's leg.

"I'm beginning to wonder if I ever had one."

"Can you two shut up and help me get ready? I under emotional distress right now. Krolia basically just told me I am just like a _known furry_ , okay? This is honestly an emotional day already and I just don't need this-"

"Furry?" Thea asked, looking around "Key?"

Lance looked at his goddaughter.

"Okay, that made me feel better." He admitted. While he knew Thea had only associated the words because Keith had slipped into a galra-like form not too long ago, he liked to think she was actually calling Keith a furry. "Uncle Key is with your dad, Thea." He told her and she let go his leg to head towards the door. "Wow. Are you ditching me for him?" He called after her. She paused and blew him a kiss.

"Love you!" She said and left the room. Lance towards to Adam who was still staring at the wall.

"Is...Is nobody going to go after her?"

* * *

Keith wasn't scared of many things in life. Least of all, Lance's family.

Luis loved him so no fear there. Veronica was more or less just exasperated by his and Lance's relationship. Marco was the meanest person he knew, but like...They had seemed to come to mutual agreement. If Keith wasn't an idiot and let him pet Kosmo than they would remain on good terms. _Rachel_ was a real issue...Keith was very aware that Lance's twin sister was probably the one person in the world who had complete sway over him. If she didn't like Keith than...It did not bode well. The worst part was that she _knew this_ and used it against Keith constantly. The only thing that made up for this was that Lance's mother practically dragged him into the family so that was good...and sure, Lance's abuela was...Okay, she was _terrifying_... But she liked him so it was fine. This was proven as soon as Camilla walked in when he was getting changed and stood in front of the mirror to get his attention.

"You are marrying my grandson," She announced - as if this whole operation has been her idea - Keith just nodded. "Are you _sure_?"

"Uh...Yes, ma'am. I'm sure." He told her and Camilla crossed her arms, looking at him for a few moments.

"...for how long?"

"How long am I....Sure? Or how long are we going to be married?" Keith asked, bewildered. Camilla rose an eyebrow "Uh...Not that they would have a different answer. Both are forever." He added and Camilla nodded, patting his leg.

"Come sit with me," She said and took the only chair in the room. Keith wasn't really for sure what he was supposed to do so he just sat on the ground. "Do you know how many times I have been married?" She asked and Keith shook his head "Hm...Neither do I." She mused "My first husband and I...We just kept divorcing and getting married again. It was a lot of work." She mused "Heed my advice, _mijo_. Just get married once when you are really sure. The divorce part is fun, but don't fall for it." She said and Keith stared.

"It's...It's fun?" He repeated and Camilla sighed.

"Yes, yes. Terribly. It means you can go get married again."

"You couldn't just renew your vows?" Keith asked and Camilla just laughed. He decided to not ask anymore questions. "Okay. Marry once. Got it."

"There is one more thing," Camilla said and leaned forward to grab his hand "I ask you for a grave favor on this day of happiness." She said and Keith frowned at the seriousness that suddenly took her face. His brows came together.

"I...Are you okay? What do you need?" He asked and Camilla smiled, pinching his cheek fondly.

"Please brush your hair before you marry my grandson." She said and Keith inwardly sighed. For the love of God. He nodded and Camilla beamed, patting his cheek before pausing. "Loyalty has always been a value of Alejandro's..." She suddenly added "He has been known to stick by his friends and family...And expects the same in return. Are you sure you can do this?" She asked and Keith swallowed.

"I will do whatever is best for him."

"That is not what I asked." Camilla reasoned and leaned forward "English may not be my first language...but don't think a switch of the words can fool me, _niño_." She warned and Keith leaned back. Fuck. Okay. He opened his mouth, but paused when Camilla reached into her dress and pulled out...Was that an _entire bottle of rum_? he was momentarily paused in terror to watch as Camilla took a swig and managed to tuck it back in her dress. As hard as he stared he could not see an outline. Amazing. Her eyes jolted him back to the original conversation.

"I haven't always been the best at staying...But I wouldn't have let myself marry Lance if I did not think I could give him the loyalty he deserves." He said and there was a pause as Camilla leaned back, considering his words. After a few seconds she brought back out the rum and tilted it to him.

"You may take a sip of wisdom."

Keith was just going to assume the rum was wisdom and took a swig before immediately coughing. Jesus. That was strong. Camilla laughed.

"You're such a weak child," She chuckled and patted him on the cheek "We will eat you alive, _mijo_." She beamed and got up to leave. Shiro was standing in the doorway, brows risen high as he watched her leave. Keith was still coughing. Slowly, Shiro walked in and patted him on the back.

"If it's poison...just tap my arm and I'll get an antidote from my bag." He said with a forlorn expression. Keith glanced up at him, confusion hinting at his features.

"Why do you have poison antidotes?" He asked, coughing. Shiro patted his back.

"Because you invited Adam."

"KEY!" A voice yelled and Keith groaned as he looked over to find Thea waddling into room with big eyes. "Hi!" She giggled. Keith was a little curious as to why she was covered in fake eyelashes and glue. Shiro certainly seemed distress to find her hair and dress in ruin. Still, he had bigger issues as Thea tried to run over to him.

"I didn't invite you." Keith told her as she tried to crawl on his lap " _Why are you here_?"

"Love you."

"Disgusting."

* * *

 "....this is officially the most ridiculous wedding I've ever been to." Pidge announced as she stared at the ice sculpture of Voltron (Lance's work, no doubt) "And - yep. There are the lions," She sighed as white bubbles foamed around the glass walls. The lions had apparently made their way to the bottom of the ocean to be included. As she suspected each were appropriately dressed for the occasion with giant (water-resistant) bow ties or - in Red's case - a giant hat. She wasn't for sure how the hat made it down there...At this point she didn't want to know.

"Kosmo is handing out mints," Hunk said as he followed her inside " _Mints!_ When did they train him to do that?" He demanded and looked around "Remind me to never laugh at their ideas ever again." He sighed and Pidge clicked her tongue in agreement. If she thought Hunk starting a mob when he was eleven was unrealistic then...Well...Honestly, why _was_ she surprised? Keith and Lance were the most stubborn people she knew.

"That's nothing," A new voice said and James walked in, hand in hand with Nathan (his apparently _official_ boyfriend - according to Weekly Digest anyways). "I just saw a bunch of balloons that have _fish_ in them. Fish. In. Balloons. This is why nobody else except them was allowed to look at the wedding planner." He said in distress "I still don't know what the groomsman outfit looks like. You don't think they would force us to wear something horrible, right?" He frowned and Pidge snapped her fingers. _That_ was what she was supposed to do.

"Oh, we got our outfits last week!" She told him and James stared "Keith told us to wait to give you yours because he wanted to stress you out." She shrugged and James stared. "You look lovely, Nathan." She added before gesturing to a few rooms towards the back "Our stuff is there." She added to James. He rolled his eyes. "As self-appointed groomsmaid-"

"What the _fuck_ is a groomsmaid?" James interrupted and Pidge stared before waving at Kinkade (who had just entered over). Seemingly understanding her thoughts without any other context her walked over and picked her up so she could more easily put a finger to James' lips.

"Me, bitch." She told him and Kinkade set her back down "If Lance and Keith won't make me a maid of honor then I'm calling myself a groomsman instead of a bridesmaid. Neither of them are technically brides anyways," She shrugged. She wasn't _that_ mad...Romelle was an obvious choice for Keith's maid of honor (along with Shiro for best man)...but Lance chose _both_ his sister plus Adam _and_ Hunk to be his best men. If he was really going to be that dramatic one of them should have added one more. Still, she had been nicely compensated for be relegated a common groomsmaid. Both Keith and Lance pitched in to buy her a brand new lab. Acceptable. With that thought making her smile she turned to Kinkade "Hi!"

"Hey, Pidge." He greeted and looked around "Do you know why your friends decided to include a complimentary 'I-told-you-so' greeting card when we came in?" He asked, holding up what might have been an itinerary...but the actual list of events were relatively tiny compared to the large, bolded message at the top of the card.

"Why are they _my_ friends when they do stupid shit?" She sighed, taking it from his hand "Hey, before you start your photographer duties do you want to sneak into the reception area and grab some snacks?" She asked and Kinkade nodded before looking around.

"Where is Jenny-?" He started to ask, but was interrupted by the doors slamming open to reveal Jenny Shaybon herself.

"THERE'S A MOTHERFUCKING DOG HANDING OUT MINTS! THIS PLACE IS AWESOME!"

"Found her."

* * *

Was Keith surprised that Rachel McClain was walking down the aisle? No. Was he surprised that she was _not_ dressed as a maid of honor, but instead as the groom? No. Not really. Was anyone else around them surprised? ....maybe Thea, but he didn't think their flower girl knew what was happening.

"Hi Rachel," Keith greeted quietly as when she reached him. "You don't plan to do this during the honeymoon, do you?" He asked and Rachel smiled before grabbing his hand, jerking him closer so she could whisper in his ear.

"If Lance knows that you know...I am going to slit your throat while you sleep my dearest brother-in-law." She told him sweetly "So be nice and play along...Because I can promise you that I, alone, have the sole power to destroy you..." She finished and Keith nodded slowly. While he and Lance agreed that they wouldn't have any fights like Shiro and Adam's wedding did...He wouldn't mind throwing Rachel up against Kolivan for the sole purpose of him being kind of scared of her.

"Uh...You look great, Lance." He said and from behind her, she could hear Lance giggling. Keith scoffed a bit when he heard it, but the smile disappeared when he saw Rachel's glare. "Is this what the rest of my life is going to be like?" He asked and Rachel grabbed his hand as Coran (who was serving as their officiant) cleared his throat, starting the ceremony.

"Welcome to the family." She whispered and leaned back when the speech started. He was growing a little concerned the longer they all stood together. Surely...Surely, he wasn't expected to _marry_ Rachel, right? Lance wouldn't go that far. He glanced nervously at Adam and felt his anxiety increase at the man's growing smirk as he stood next to Lance. Not good. He looked towards where Hunk and Veronica stood and both gave reassuring smiles. Good. Okay. Why would he even bother with Adam?

"...if anyone can show just cause why this couple cannot lawfully be joined together in matrimony, let them speak now or forever hold their peace."

Ah...Okay. Keith could see where this was going...And was immediately proven right when Lance stepped forward.

"I OBJECT!" He yelled and immediately there were whispers. Thea gasped and dropped her basket of petals. Shiro patted her head reassuringly.  


"Oh, again?" Nadia groaned "Who's fighting now? I hope they pick me-"

"Oh..." Coran frowned and looked through the papers he was given before looking up "Um, why do you object?" He asked and Lance leaned down to rip off the dress and tug off his wig. Keith was sure it was meant to be a quick, fluid motion, but it ended up with Lance falling over...and then falling off the stage they were all standing on. A few people moved to help him up, but he waved them away, kicking off the heels and finally sliding out of the dress. 

"BECAUSE!" He said, breathing heavily as he stood up "HE SHOULD MARRY _ME_!" He yelled and slowly, Adam brought out a poster with the word 'gasp' on it and pointed to it. Immediately the guests all gasped in union. Keith wanted to laugh, but instead decided to follow through on his promise to play along. Thea, for her part, really _did_ look shocked by the development and clapped a hand over her mouth, tugging on Adam's pants to point at Lance.  


" _Lance_?" He demanded loudly as Adam went to hide the poster "But...If...If _you're_ here then...Who...?" He asked, gesturing to Rachel who took off her own wig to let her hair cascade down. She looked out into the audience. 

"It's me." She told them all and Adam struggled to grab the poster again. "Rachel." 

"Ray?" Thea whispered "Daddy _look_." 

Obediently, the crowd gasped when instructed. Lance grinned and high-fived his sister.

"A classic McClain switch!" He yelled triumphantly and took Rachel's place "...sorry, babe. I didn't want to trick you, but Rachel and I agreed when we were kids we have to do this during my wedding." He admitted and Keith had to swallow another bit of laughter as he nodded. 

"I understand." He said and from behind them the Coran cleared his throat.

"I rather enjoyed this surprise," He said and gestured to Rachel "But I believe I have to start over now. Popperdots might eat me in my sleep if I don't say it to the right people." He explained and Lance considered.

"Okay, yeah. That's fair." He said, not bothering to question the popperdots and there was a pause as Coran turned back to the beginning of the script. It went over pretty smoothly the second time around. There was a pause when he reached the end.

"...speak now or forever hold your peace." Coran started and when Adam stepped forward, Shiro grabbed him to pull him back. Keith scowled. The Altean must have realized this was a precarious moment because he moved on quickly "Good. I am told you have prepared your own vows?" He asked and they both nodded. "Lance, would you like to go first?" He suggested and Lance nodded, though Keith could see the color drain from his face a bit. Still, he met Keith's eyes and smiled.

"So..." Lance started and grabbed Keith's hands "I actually didn't write down any vows because I had some trouble figuring out what I wanted to say. I'm not usually a person who likes to wing things, but...I guess you must have rubbed off on me. I can tell you what I _do_ have is something I found last week while packing up my stuff." He said and let go of Keith to bring out an old piece of notebook paper "I think I wrote when I was seventeen. It is, uh, titled the Top Five Things I Hate About Keith Kogane." He read off and the crowd laughed "Yeah, I'm not sure why I felt the need to write it down either." He told them and unfolded the paper before clearing his throat "Number one... He's smug and thinks he knows everything." He read out and nodded to himself "Yeah...No change there." He grinned as Keith shook his head "Number two is that he does _not_ have a sense of humor. Number three is that I hate his stupid hair...It should be noted that I underlined stupid three times. It was a very passionate statement." He added before continuing "Number four is...I forgot about this...But, uh, you used to break your pencils in class whenever I teased you. So that made the list." He snorted and bit his lip "And number five is that I _hate_ the fact that Keith Kogane does not acknowledge my existence." He read out and closed the paper.

"I don't think I realized it at the time...But I actually titled this wrong. So I made some edits." He said and flipped the paper over "Top Five Things I Love About Keith Kogane...Number one. He's smug and thinks he knows everything...But can admit when he's wrong and will always side with me. Even when I'm wrong." He said and turned to the crowd "It's not a common occurrence - don't worry." He told them and went back to the list "Number two... Is that he will always make me laugh and more importantly laughs at my jokes...Even when they aren't that funny. Once again - don't worry. For the most part I'm hilarious." He laughed "Number three...I love his hair and how I can run my fingers through it when he's sleeping...Even if I'm not allowed to braid it. Yet." He added and Keith shook his head " _Yet_ ," Lance repeated and went on "Number four...I love how passionate he is and how patient he is with me. I've been told on numerous occasions that I am - and this a quote...' _A lot_ ' so really that's a high compliment there. And number five is that...I love the fact that Keith Kogane didn't acknowledge my existence growing up... Because I'm pretty sure if we had interacted earlier than we did than I would have died a premature death at being given any attention from someone so amazing. I'm honestly not sure how I handle it now." He said and closed the paper again "I can't say for sure how we've gotten here. Our lives have always been kind of crazy and full of unexpected twists...But I have to be honest and say that in the past there wasn't a single future I imagined with you in it...And now there isn't a future I can imagine _without_ you. And so I vow I will stop writing lists about hating you. And instead write a few more about loving you...And I vow to take always take your side...And make you laugh...And keep teasing you about your hair...And have patience....And always, always acknowledge you as the most important person in my life...Right next to Adam." He added and from his place onstage, Adam cheered. He leaned forward "He made me add that in there - don't worry it isn't true." He whispered and Adam started booing until Shiro hit his arm.

There was a few moments of silence as Keith looked up at the ceiling for a couple seconds before nodding to himself and giving a long breath.

"Damnit," Keith said and looked down "I _knew_ you would try find a way to outdo me with this." He laughed and pulled out some note cards "Well...I _did_ write down my vows because I knew exactly what I wanted to say and while usually I'm a person who likes to wing things...I guess you've rubbed off on me too." He said and swallowed. Should his hands be this sweaty? "I... Have _never_ met anyone who can rile me up like you can...And yes, I'm including Adam in that statement...Who I still don't think we should have invited to this wedding." He added and looked over Lance's shoulder to give a quick look to the man in question before turning back to his...to-be husband "And I think the only reason it took me so long to fall in love with you was because I knew once I did...There was absolutely no going back. It was easier to believe you when you said we hated each other than give into the fact I would have to wade through bloodshed and battle with someone who in the end...Is the only person in the universe that I think can kill me." He admitted and paused for a moment "And I remember fighting in the war...Both with and without you. I know part of you hated me for leaving back then. But in some ways I'm glad I did because that was what made me start to realize the kind of things I would fight a war for. At first...It was just a count of how many bodies I could keep breathing. I had never considered the kind of things a living person can do. That they can make you smile and cry and feel like life could offer more than just days in a universe that has far too much pain."

"So I'm going to remind you of some stuff that you told me a long, long time ago...You said that we make a good team... And that I was a lone wolf. And when I became Voltron's leader...You told me that you respected Black's choice...And that I should too. And so I vow to make a good team...Not just in battle, but in everything. I vow to not be a lone wolf. To not run away - unless I take you with me. And I vow to respect your choices as much as you respect mine. And right now from this day forward my choice is going to be you." He said and smiled "I also vow to always compete with you...Even though I know I will never... _Ever_ win. You already won a long time ago. I'm just trying to find more reasons for you to keep me around." He said and Lance laughed.

"I don't know if you were listening, but I did just read out a list of them."

"Are you crying? I think that means I won-"

"Does _not_! Besides, you just said I win everything. Wait. We need a vote." Lance said and turned to everyone "Raise your hand if you like my vows better-"

"For the love of _God_ just get married." Marco yelled and Lance went to retort when the Coran gently interrupted them for the rings.

"I now pronounce you..." He started and Keith prayed that nobody attacked them. "Officially married, you may now kiss the - okay." The Coran chuckled when Lance grabbed Keith and kissed him. "Ah, the youth."

"No take backs!" He warned and Keith grinned, kissing him again.

"No take backs." He agreed.

"YOU DID IT!" Thea yelled "Snacks now?" She asked and hopped over to them to pull on Keith's pants. He looked down at her, unimpressed.

"I'm in the middle of something, Thea." He said and Lance hit his arm.

"Okay," Thea said and stood there for a few more seconds "Snacks now?" She asked and there was a long pause as Keith buried his face in Lance's shoulder. She _would_ be the evil tyrant to _ruin_ his _entire_ wedding. Adam was obviously unhelpful as he laughed in the background, cheering his daughter on as he prevented Shiro from grabbing her. At least Thea waited until they were officially married. "Key." She tried again and then looked at Lance for help.

"Yeah, lion. Let's go get snacks." His husband (holy shit - his _husband_ ) said and picked her up. Keith scowled, shaking his head at Thea started blowing kisses to the crowd.

"This isn't about you." He told her and Thea paused in dramatics to look at him.

"Yes it is." She informed him and honestly, why was he even surprised?

* * *

“Don’t you dare smash that cake on my face, McClain.” Lance warned after the first piece was cut. Keith paused.

“…My surname isn’t going to be McClain.” He frowned and Lance froze in breaking off the piece of the cake to feed Keith.

“What? My surname isn’t going to be Kogane.” He said and the pair stared at one another. The seemed oblivious to the crowd watching them, waiting for the ceremony to continue so that they could each have some of the cake as well.

“This…Is probably something we should have thought about.” Keith nodded slowly “I’ll let you decorate the house if we go with Kogane?” He offered and Lance scoffed.

“Nice try. We both know that everybody but us will be decorating our house.” He said, thinking of how intense Shiro and Adam could be with interior design…And how important it was to Pidge to have a functional household. Not to mention Hunk was going to create a dictatorship over the kitchen…

“Excuse me!” Veronica called “Can you guys eat the cake and discuss the last name later?” She yelled out and both looked down in surprise at the food still in hand. Not waiting for the other to react first, both attempted to smash the other in the face with the cake first.

Then promptly and discreetly spit it out.

“What the - oh my God.” Lance choked covering his face with a napkin as they both ignored the polite clapping and went back to sit at the table in the front of the room “Something went terribly wrong. I… Keith, what kind of sugar did you use?” He asked, putting the plate down.

“The one in the yellow container! What kind of flour did you use?” He whispered back, taking a few long pulls of water. He looked over to see Lance staring at him.

“Keith. My love. My life. My newly wedded husband. The yellow container was definitely filled with _salt_.” Lance informed him. Keith blinked.

“That…Would be it. Wait. One second,” Keith added and stood up, waving to gather everyone’s attention. Lance sighed, silently thankful that Keith would bite the bullet to let everyone know the cake was definitely tainted. “Hi everyone!” Keith called “I just wanted to say… Lance and I wanted to thank Adam especially tonight. He’s been such an important influence on both of us and…You definitely should have the next slice of cake.” He said and Lance paused in his thankfulness to slowly look up at his husband.

“Wow,” Shiro said from where Adam got up to bow dramatically in front of everyone, bouncing Thea on his lap as she tried to get to the cake “I guess I was just there to suffer then.” He grumbled and Keith shot him an apologetic look before sitting back down.

“You really couldn’t help yourself?”

“This is supposed to the happiest day of my life, Lance. I will spare no effort.”

“So…Before when you said the wedding didn’t matter as long as we were together…?”

“I meant it! Just…I mean, if we _had_ gotten married at some random downtown hall could you imagine how pissed Adam would be?”

“I’m filing for a divorce.”

“We said no take backs! You can’t do that on the happiest day of my life! _Listen-”_

* * *

Hunk didn't get Pidge's dislike of weddings. This was great.

Kinkade was in a danceoff against Ina who was somehow winning despite wearing noise-cancelling headphones. Pidge was viciously cheering him on, held up by Allura and Romelle (who were cheering on Ina). James was in the corner with Nathan, both looking at the schools of fish swimming by and laughing quietly among each other. Shiro and Adam were - well, Hunk wasn't entirely sure what Adam and Shiro were doing. Which was concerning. He walked over to find the pair talking to their daughter who was crossing her arms.

"Baby it doesn't what that way..." Adam groaned and Hunk curiously tilted his head. 

"What doesn't?" He asked and Thea looked up at him, big eyes latching onto him as she held out her hands. He smiled at her, immediately picking her up. Thea had just turned now so she could say handful of things. He found it precious. Keith was less than impressed.

"I gotta get married," She explained and Hunk bit back a smile. "But papi said _no_." She added, glowering over her shoulder "I say _yes_."

"Who would you get married to?" He asked her and Thea pointed at Shiro. "Oh? I think your dad is already married." He said and Thea sighed, pressing her head against his chest in clear grief. "Hey, it's okay. You'll find someone-"

"You."

"What?"

"I have to marry _you_." Thea insisted, her head popping up. Hunk paused. "Please?"

"Okay," He agreed "We can get married." He relented and Adam threw up his hands. Thea squealed and wiggled around until she was put down. Immediately she sprinted over to where Lance and Keith were talking to a few of Lance's cousins. Krolia and Kolivan walked over, looking curiously at Thea. Everyone turned to Hunk when she pointed to him. He waved.

"CONGRATULATIONS HUNK!" Lance yelled and Hunk looked over to where Shay was watching, brows raised. He walked over and sat the table she was at, discreetly grabbing her hand under the table. They weren't like... _Dating_ or anything, but Hunk figured they were getting there. Slowly.

"So I'm engaged," He told her solemnly "Thea has asked for my hand in marriage."

Shay smiled, stirring her drink absently as she looked over at where Thea was trying to climb on the ice sculpture on one of the tables.

"You are a _very_ lucky, man." She said as Talia and Noah sprinted over to grab Thea before she fell. Hunk waved at his niece and nephew gratefully as they brought her over to where Sylvio and Nadia were hiding under the table with what looked to be a bunch games. "I think your fiancée just got kidnapped." Shay added and Hunk sighed, snapping his fingers.

"Not again."

"How many times has this happened to you?" She laughed, but was interrupted by Camilla walking by and casually pulling out a bottle of vodka to put on the table before moving onto the next one and placing a bottle of tequila there. Hunk went to respond, but was stopped by George groaning as stopped in front of them.

"Stop trying to get everyone wasted!" He yelled after her "I have to clean this up you know!"

"I'm trying to clean their souls!" Camilla threw back. Hunk turned to Shay, eyebrows raised. Before either of them could comment, Iverson walked over and sat down at their table, Matt following close by.

"Hi," Shay greeted the pair. "What are you two doing?"

"Nothing," Matt said quickly "Why? What are _you_ doing?" He demanded and Hunk could only stare. Matt and Iverson didn't usually pair up to cause problems....Iverson didn't tend to cause problems at all. This thought was quickly dismissed when Elena shrieked, hiding behind Veronica and Acxa as a piranha flopped across the floor, snapping at them. Hunk turned to Matt and Iverson.

"...we might have accidentally popped a balloon."

"Awesome!" Nadia yelled, looking around her girlfriends to try and poke the fish "I can put it back in bowl!"

"THIS IS ANIMAL CRUELTY!" Marco yelled, shoving them all to the side before rambling in Spanish - most of it _not_ sounding nice. "ONE OF YOU MORONS GET ME FRESHWATER STAT!"

"Uh, Marco." Lance called "It isn't a real fish. Altean alchemy." He said and immediately the fish vanished in a flash of gold. Nadia frowned, looking disappointed at not being able to go head to head against a piranha. Thea curiously walked over and stared at the spot where the fish had been.

"...is this what your life is like everyday?" Shay asked and Hunk considered.

"This is pretty tame," He admitted and paused when Draven pulled out a sword, challenging a very excited Nadia to a duel. "This is a more accurate representation." He added when Lance and Keith loudly began to object. The crowd seemed to disagree though.

"FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT!" They chanted and Krolia gasped, clapping her hands together.

"We are doing warrior fights?" She asked and Allura squealed "Oh, I have stuff in the back!" She said and dashed out of the room. Keith and Lance looked at each other before seemingly giving up.

"Adam - you're next!" Keith called.

"I think the fuck not!"

"You're fighting Kolivan!"

"I accept," Kolivan nodded and turned to Adam "You were the one who defeated Krolia by cheating, correct?" He asked, head tilted as he stared down with the most terrifying expression Hunk had ever seen.

"...Takashi, help."

* * *

"Hey there... You look strangely stoic on the day you claimed was the happiest of your life like...Three hours ago." Lance said as he entered the lounge area of the ship. Keith jumped from where he had been staring at the white wall in front of him, hand thoughtfully placed under his chin. "You know we have to finish paying for the wedding before we can even _consider_ divorcing." Lance informed him as he sat down across from his husband. Keith tilted his head a bit - something between exasperation and fondness hinting as his expression.

"No divorcing. We have to catch up to Shiro and Adam and they have a head-start on us." He said and clicked his tongue "You know...We can probably sabotage their entire marriage if we let slip that Adam broke Shiro's mug a year ago."

"We have no proof that was him, Keith."

"I know you're lying to protect the rat," Keith shook his head and when Lance cleared his throat, giving a pointed look, sighed. "It's just...A little weird. Not _bad_ or anything. Of course not. It's like...The greatest part of my life. Ever. Hands down." He said quickly "But we were kids when we met and...It's been years now and it is just a lot to wrap my mind around sometimes. I kind of wish I could start this whole thing over again just so I can live through it one more time...Without being so stressed out." He added and then winced "That was _really_ corny, I know."

Lance snorted, leaning back a little to look at Keith and then around the room.

"Hey...How long do we have until we reach Namare?" He asked and Keith blinked a few times before remembering the name of the planet they had decided to honeymoon on.

"Oh, uh...Four hours, maybe?" He said, realizing Lance probably wanted to skip the existential crisis and go straight for...Well, the point of what people did at honeymoons. Lance didn't move to get up though. Instead he nodded slowly.

"Hm... Interesting. This place kind of looks like the Castle of Lions a little, right? With the white walls and high-tech stuff?" He asked. Keith blinked, a little baffled by what was happening. He just shrugged. He supposed it did... But he wasn't for sure what they had to do with anything. Before he could try and figure out the conversation one of the holograms buzzed, alerting them to Pidge calling. Lance leaned forward to answer.

_"Hey, hope I'm not interrupting anything gross-"_

"Gross?" Lance demanded, outraged "Between me and _Keith_? Please. Pidge. I'm way out of his league," He scoffed and Keith stared. What? "What's the update, Pidgeon?"

_"Well, I wanted to know where to put all your wedding gifts...?"_

"Wedding gifts? Pidge we are trying to defeat Zarkon right now. We don't have time for _weddings_. Unless I am the groom of course."

 _"You were_ _."_

"Obviously not because I'm not hitched to a Mrs. Blue Lion yet, Pidge. Now tell Allura we're probably going to be late for training because I am going to kick mullet's ass in sparring." Lance told her and there was silence on the other end.

_"I'm just going to put them in your apartment."_

"Copy that...And let Coran know I am not willing to taste test his food goo creation. He just needs to let Hunk cook." He said and before Pidge could respond, clicked the comm closed. Keith closed his eyes, gathering a general idea of what Lance was doing.

"You don't have to-" He started, but was interrupted by Lance raising a hand, leaning forward to scowl at him.

"Oh? I don't _have_ to? Who made _you_ team leader? I certainly didn't vote for you, mullet!" Lance said and crossed his arms, waiting. Keith bit his lip. He wasn't one for games like these but... Well. Okay. Maybe it could be a little fun...

"I didn't _ask_ for you vote for me! I don't want to be the leader and it's not like Shiro is going anywhere." He snapped back, crossing his arms "Now are we going to actually train or are you too pretty?"

"I'm too pretty. You wouldn't understand with that rat nest on your head." Lance sniffed and Keith bit back a grin "Why don't you just go bond with Red? Clearly you guys don't get along as well as Blue and I do..."

"I'm amazed that _anyone_ can get along with you. Now can we _please_ focus on the fact Zarkon is still at large and you can't even hold a gun properly?"

"Excuse me? As if you know how to hold a gun!"

Really...Keith wasn't sure why they bothered with the whole ceremony. It was pretty clear to him that they had been married for years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've never seen Top Ten Things I Hate About You, but Lance's vows are how I pictured the ending lol


	34. Basically the Drunk History of Voltron (Part 4)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's me. I'm alive.

"I - did she go? Where _is_ she? Oh my God...Oh my God we need to call someone before Voltron gets here. I swear she was _right_ here! We need to keep this under wraps, okay? Just until-"

"Where's Pidge?"

"Jesus!" The host squeaked as Shiro popped his head in. He looked around desperately at the cameramen before turning back to the ex-paladin with a big smile and a high-pitched laugh. "Shiro!" He greeted and looked around once more before clasping his hands together. Hi - um, you shouldn't be backstage. We're getting ready for the show. Go out and sit in the audience, okay? Everything is fine. Bye." He finished and attempted to push him out the door. Shiro, for his part, didn't look terribly disgruntled at being so easily dismissed. Instead he merely waved a notebook around.

"Wait. I just need to give Pidge this-"

"I'll give it to her! Bye, Shiro!"

There was a flicker as the camera panned away from Shiro to where the host was sweating in the corner, shoving the older man out of the room. Shiro tried to talk a few times, but was silenced as the door was slammed in his face. Slowly, the shot zoomed in on the host's distressed expression - eyes widen and panicked as he wiped his brow.

"....we lost Katie Holt." He whispered "I lost one of the most influential heroes in the universe after letting her drink tequila. Can I go to jail for this? Oh my _God_ , I'm going to jail." He moaned and buried his face in his hands "My life is ruined." He cried, but was silenced when the door slammed open to reveal Pidge herself walking into the room with a brown paper bag. She spied the notebook Shiro had dropped off and snatched it up, seemingly unaware of the relief slowly morphing into outrage around her. "I... _Where have you been_?" The host yelled.

"Your tequila sucked. I took an Uber and got my own." She told him, taking a sip of a half-empty bottle.

"What? How much have you drank-"

"Let's go pixie stick," She said and held up the tequila "I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm a small person so I have like two shots left until I die and then you have to look Shiro in the eyes and tell him you let me drink too much." She said and the camera swiveled again as she walked out on stage, raising her hands to the masses of cheering. Slowly, it turned back to the host.

"What have we done?"

* * *

"Okay...I, okay. Why are you sitting like that?"

"Like what?" Pidge asked, throwing her leg over the back of the couch "You don't order me around. You're not Shiro or Keith....And sometimes I don't even let _them_ order me around. I know I'm supposed to because they're the leader and all...but they can have bad ideas, you know. Shiro once wanted us to have an ice cream party in December. Was I supposed to let that happen? Ice cream. December. Who _raised_ him?" She rolled her eyes "Anyways. Let's do this. Hit me with your questions. Go." She said and snapped her fingers. The host blinked.

"Oh, uh...This is less of an interview and more you telling me about your time in space-"

"So we arrived," Pidge interrupted, waving her hand to silence him "...in a lion. Of a color I forgot. It might have been indigo...Or topaz....Or turquoise....One of those, I'm certain. But what's important is that we  _arrived_."

"Uh...Okay."

"So we arrived and I was freaking out because we're supposed to form this superhero squad or whatever and I was _not_ down with that. At first I was kind of like, sweet. Piloting a giant emerald lion. That could help me in my secret mission. But I realized I didn't have _time_ to save these other hoes when I had to help out the best two hoes out there." She pointed at the camera "I'm talking about you Matt and dad." She said and got up, putting her cup down to walk off-stage. There was a long pause.

"Is...Is she coming back?" The host frowned and stood up "She's not coming back."

* * *

"Hi again - okay, Pidge. Please, _please_ stop leaving, okay? Don't go disappearing on us." The host said as Pidge was led back onstage. She waved to the crowd and the camera refocused on Voltron in the corner, watching the stage with an air of askance before waving back.

"What can I say?" Pidge muttered "It runs in the family."

"You sound kind of bitter about that." The host told her, sitting back down across from her.

"I just think I was underqualified for this whole 'saving the world operation'! Fourteen. _Fourteen_. I didn't think I was young at the time, but now I'm an actual adult...Dear God, I didn't know what I was doing. Why was everyone around me so easily fooled? The Garrison is known for their _high-security military base_. And I just waltzed in there! Like, yo. Not to call you out but...I should not have gotten away with that." She grumbled and then pointed to where her teammates were sitting "And none of those assholes questioned that I was fourteen! Nobody thought 'wow...she's a bit younger than us...are we sure we should give her a _death lion_?' No...They let me have the death lion even though I had just started my first period a month before that. Ridiculous."

"I...Thought you were rather fond of the lion?"

"Oh absolutely. If they had kept her from me I would have cut a bitch." Pidge nodded and accepted the glass of wine that was (very) hesitantly offered to her. "Want to hear a joke? I have a joke!" She added brightly and leaned forward. "Okay. Shh. Get ready. Okay...So two scientists walk into a bar," She began, but immediately started giggling. After a few seconds she calmed down and continued "The first one asked for some stellar H2O...And the second one said 'I would like some dope water as well' and then turned to his friend like 'dude. We're not at work. Stop being a  _nerd_.' and the other scientist just cried. His murder attempt had failed." She finished and cackled a bit more. "Get it?" She asked when nobody else laughed. "Because if the other guy said 'I would like some H2O too then he would have died!" She said brightly. Silence followed. "Because...Because H202 is hydrogen peroxide. That's toxic. You can't drink it, Francis. You can't drink hydrogen peroxide." She explained. The host frowned at the camera mouthing 'Francis?' in confusion before turning back to the guest.

"I...Of course...I love it! But why don't we go back to the story," He suggested and Pidge rolled her eyes before sinking lower into her chair "So you were in space. You got then green lion. Then what?" He asked and Pidge considered, yawning as she sat up on the couch, grabbing some pens and papers that had been haphazardly placed in the middle of the table and began drawing absently.

"Ooh, Allura made us so mad. She made us...The maddest. The mad." She grumbled and wrinkled her nose "Training this. Training that. Then she _handcuffed us together_. Like. Terrible. Absolutely terrible. I didn't want to be handcuffed - but I think Lance liked it."

"I DID NOT!" Lance yelled and Pidge stopped in her drawing to narrow her eyes at the audience before returning to her drawing.

"...he liked the handcuffs." She grumbled "But _I did not_. Allura was like 'I'm the princess! You have to listen to me!" and we're just like 'yeah, but she isn't the princess _of Earth_.' We didn't elect her. We didn't birth her. _I did not birth that woman_." She insisted and jutted out her chin up as she looked directly at the camera "And I am a queen..."

A long pause.

"Yes...You are."

"Look! I designed a boat!" Pidge said, holding up the paper. On it were various math calculations and what looked to be sketches of a submarine. "I'm going to build it...Do you have an ion rays in here?" She mused and got up "I'm going to go get some ion rays."

"No, no, no! We, uh - can bring you some. Just stay here, okay?" The host frowned, desperately pulling her back down "Tell us about Allura and the handcuffs." He prompted and Pidge sat back down, rolling her eyes.

"They weren't good handcuffs. They hurt your wrist a little, but were very strong. Like my heart." She informed him. "Then...Then we saved the Balmera. It was all magical and shit. Like. Bam. Magic." She said wiggling her fingers "And the people there were slaves and Zarkon and stuff and Hunk came and met _Shay_. And Shay is a very pretty rock person so Hunk was like _look at that rocking body_!" She yelled and giggled "Rocking body? Get it?" She said and the camera turned again to show Hunk staring silently at the ceiling as Lance shrieked with laughter. "Rocking body...Classic." Pidge snorted. "Anyways, Shay's brother - Rax - was just like 'no. Don't...Uh. Don't do things! Zarkon will win! It's dangerous!' and Hunk was like 'Nah, mate. I'm going to use my moves to steal your sister then use them to steal Zarkon's swag. And you know what? _He did_. With our help. I think." She said and clicked her tongue "And Allura was all _power_ and everyone was like _she's a freaking firefly_...Except it was Allura." She shrugged.

"Right...Okay."

"I also made a robot friend - his name was Rover. He was the best robot...but one of them furry bitches made him evil and tried to blow Lance and Coran up. I was _distraught_ ," Pidge moaned "Rover was dead. Lance was dead. My will to live was dead...And we had to go fight Shiro's galra doppelganger." She grumbled "I tried to zappity zap him and-"

"Wait...Do you mean? Sendak? He was Shiro's doppelganger?" The host asked. Shiro was shaking his head vehemently as Hunk tilted his head consideringly at the man.

"...they both are big and have a mechanical arm." Pidge reasoned "But Sendak kind of looks like a furby...Also, Shiro with long hair kind of looks like Bucky Barnes from that old superhero movie. I bet if you put Sendak, Bucky, and Shiro together they would be...like, _the ultimate person_." She said and flipped her previous drawing over to start on the back "I'm going to make him real quick...He's going to be Shirdak the Winter Solider..." Pidge commented. "I need more pencils. I'll be back." She added and got up. The host tilted his head, looking at Shiro curiously.

"Huh...Let me Google this Bucky guy - _wait, don't let her leave!"_ He yelped, shooting up. "Damnit...I... Okay, can someone call security again?"

* * *

"....we're back. Pidge. Stay. Please."

"I could totally kick your ass," Pidge commented looking him up and down "No problem at all. I don't even need my bayard."

"I don't want to fight you. I just want to hear more about space," The host groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose. "How about the cow? How did you get the cow?"

"...the cow?' Pidge repeated before gasping " _The cow!_ Okay, I know this one! It was at a mall...but for space! We got there and Coran was like 'we have to look like _space pirates_ and so we wore the dumb outfits but then we got there and there were no space pirates so we decided _not_ to be space pirates...Though we kind of were space pirates in the end cause Keith stole a knife-"

"That was my knife, Pidge!" Keith called out "Why - _why_ does everyone think I stole it?" He whined and Pidge took a sip of wine, eyebrows raised in doubt.

"So I guess Keith is being a fake bitch and saying he didn't steal the knife..." She scoffed and Keith took a long breath "So, so... Lance and I found a Earth store. And Lance. Lance is...He is small. Smaller than me on the inside, I think. He has long limbs but that's okay. It's okay." She nodded "But we saw a video game console and _listen to me_. I love my team. I love Lance and Hunk and Shiro and Keith and Allura and Coran...but I would have given the shop owner their beating hearts for that console, okay? But the man only wanted money. So me and Lance robbed a fountain."

"....you...robbed a fountain...?"

"How else were we supposed to get money? It's not like we got _paid_ to save the universe. We just got parades. Which is nice. But also. Money is good," Pidge shrugged "Anyways, it was fun. Lance is a motherfucking dolphin. Did you know that? Ke- _Keith_ did you know Lance is a dolphin? Have you seen him swim? It's true. I'm not even lying a little bit. He made the ah-ah-ah sound like he was a freaking haunted house with creaky doors...And he caught a coin in his mouth. What a champ. What a pro. I'm not sure why he didn't use his hands like a normal human person, but I love him anyways...Oh! Keith _isn't_ a human person! Keith is a human galra. Isn't that weird? His mom is purple." She explained and pinched the bridge of her nose "Dear God...His mom is purple."

"What's wrong with his mom being purple?"

"Because Keith could have been purple too, but he's not and that's why he is so lame. He could have been purple..."

"I don't see how any of this has to do with the cow." The host sighed as the camera redirected itself at Keith who was looking taken aback by the emotional response to his lack of purple.

" _It has everything to do with the cow_!" Pidge shrieked and hit the table, making everyone jump "You see...When Lance turned into a dolphin he got the last money to let us buy the console. He was a  _hero_ that day-"

"What about when he saved peoples' lives and planets?"

"Um...I'm sorry? Should we reward him for doing _his job_? If he wasn't saving lives and planets he would be unemployed. Now...Getting that last coin? Hero work. We got the console and the guy said we get a free cow with purchase and I was like 'uh...what are we going to do with this freaking spotted disaster?' and Lance was like 'my animal loving ass would die for this moo loving piece of meat'. Side note...Lance has eaten a steak before so he's fake too. He said he loves Kaltenecker, but like. That steak could have been Kaltenecker's cousin so really...? Does he know what love _is_? Would he eat Keith's cousin?" She asked and Keith cleared his throat.

"I don't have any cousins." He volunteered and Lance scowled at both of them.

"And more importantly, I would not _eat anybody_!" He added and hit Keith's arm "Were you not going to mention that?"

"....that too."

" _Pidge, no_!" The host yelled. His attention had been towards Keith and Lance so he didn't notice Pidge walking off-stage again. "For the - are we legally allowed to handcuff her to this chair?" He asked and Pidge reappeared, eyes wide.

" _Only Lance likes the handcuffs_..." She whispered.

"Seriously?" Lance groaned "Come on!"

* * *

"And Hunk was like 'I AM THE MIGHTY FOOD GOD! BOW DOWN TO ME!' and the chef was like 'yes - I bow to you food daddy!' and that was how Hunk went from a slave to a master in the kitchen and I know it all sounds like code for sex but I promise he didn't even suck a single dick," Pidge informed everyone. Hunk just shrugged. "Meanwhile, Keith was stealing that knife and being chased by Galra Paul Blart and we surfed on Kalternecker...And Lance got freaking bitch slapped off. It was funny, but also not funny because if we left him behind someone could have been like 'look at this motherfreaking Hispanic string bean. I'm gonna give him to Zarkon'." Pidge said and ran a hand over her face "God, he's such a string bean...A freaking bean that is a string...Anyways, when we got back we told Shiro we rescued the cow from evil aliens and that nothing interesting had happened at the mall." Pidge explained and held her hands up "We lie to him a lot because he gets stressed out sometimes." She admitted "We told him last week that we went camping...And we did. It just so happened to be next to an active volcano."

" _Why would you do that?!_ " Shiro's voice yelled.

"Because we aren't _old_ Shiro!"

"I literally just turned thirty, Katie."

"See the kind of nonsense he says?" Pidge sighed sipping her drink "Keith says that Shiro is old because he's probably going to get himself killed again before he's forty so technically he's past middle age." She added and the cameras swung around to catch Keith wincing just as Shiro crossed his arms and turned to him.

"I mean...We would _resurrect_ you...Again." He muttered and ducked when Shiro went to hit him. "Sorry! I'm just saying your track record isn't the bes - Pidge is gone again." He noted and the host spun around to find the couch empty. Helplessly, he sat down and stared for a moment before looking over at where the team was sitting. Hunk sighed and stood up.

"Don't worry," He told everyone "I know how to find her." He said and cleared his throat. "WHAT TEAM?" He yelled loudly and while everyone was staring at him blankly there was a small crash backstage.

"WILDCATS!" Pidge's voice called and a few people scrambled to get her. Everyone turned back to where Lance was laughing and high-fiving Hunk.

"We watched _High School Musical_ last week," Hunk explained with a shrug "Lance is a big fan of old movies and so we watch at least one a month." He said as Pidge was brought back onstage. She was holding a few wires and a hammer, looking extremely distraught at having been found.

"I'm trying to build a boat," She grumbled and sprawled herself out on the couch "You need to cut me some slack here - I have back problems."

"You do? From the war?"

"Yes, and from carrying this entire team on my shoulders-"

"I _resent that!"_ Allura yelled and Pidge glanced over.

"My bad. Me and Hunk have back problems from carrying this entire team-"

"Shiro and I _died_ for you guys!"

"Oh my God!" Pidge yelled "We _know!_ And _who brought you back to life_?"

"Allura did."

"Yeah, definitely not you."

"One hundred percent Allura."

"That was all me."

"WRONG!" Pidge yelled "It was me. Disrespected. Unappreciated. Overlooked. I've had enough. I'm going to run for president and then become a benevolent dictator so I can finally get some consideration here!" She yelled and got up only to lay on the floor and roll under the couch. The host sighed.

"Can you come back out?"

"No."

* * *

"....so I'm minding my own business breaking into this spy facility, right? And all of a sudden this jackass with a staff decides to attack me. And _obviously_ this piece of shit took my brother, right? So I ask him 'WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY BROTHER?' as I kick his ass. Only - get this - just as I go to give homeboy the ultimate bitch slap, I realize that's _my_ jackass!" Pidge yelled (still under the couch).

"You mean it was Matt?"

"Yeah... It was really nice. He got taller...And I got to tell him how cool I was! He was super impressed by all the Voltron stuff. As he should be. And I got to have him meet everyone and show him my room and my lion and it was so good. I missed him. He's a good brother." Pidge's voice continued. "Oh - we also killed a man and stuff." She added thoughtfully and yawned "And then the team fought at Naxzela where Keith almost died - which. Very rude. We haven't seen him in forever and the first time we fight together in who knows how long he decides to almost _die_. You can tell who raised him." She grumbled and Shiro through his hands in the air.

"Why do you hate me today?"

"It's aggressive love," Pidge told him and zoned out for a moment "I think I know how to time travel." She added and rolled out from underneath the couch "Can I have three lasers and-"

"Nope," Allura yelled down as she shook her head "We are not time traveling right now...Aggressive love." She added when Pidge went to argue.

"I could have gotten us the lottery numbers, but whatever." She sighed and Lance paused before slowly turning to everyone else.

"Maybe we should let her..."

"Lance!" They all yelled, but froze when there was a loud bang from the stage. Everyone turned just in time to see Pidge frozen. There was smoke everywhere and a hole in the center of the stage. Slowly she backed away from the debris as a few people rushed over with fire extinguishers. She looked down at her hands in shock.

"How did she even do that?!" The host yelled "Okay! We're done. Make sure she doesn't have anything else that can explode with her. And - _damnit where did she go_?! How is she even that fast?! Why-"

* * *

**Credits**

**Story Told By**

Katie (Pidge) Holt (Green Paladin of Voltron)

**Filmed, Directed and Edited by**

Walter Bros. Studios 

**Starring**

Voltron 

**Script Supervisor (aka Improv)  
**

Katie (Pidge) Holt

* * *

Pidge...Had no idea where she was. Or why there were several people laying on top of her.

She _did_ know she was about to throw up on every single one of them if they didn't move. Luckily, the door opened quietly with the blessed smell of coffee wafting in. Pidge glanced up, trying to see around Hunk and Keith sleeping on her legs to find Ryan grinning down at her, two paper cups in his hand.

"Good morning," He told her and put the coffee down "Need help escaping?"

"Please -" She said, trying to shrug Shiro off her arm. Realizing that was a lost cause she tried to get Lance off her other arm. Damnit. He wasn't really a string bean anymore. The guy had muscle. Luckily, so did Ryan. He easily lifted Lance up slightly so she could retract her arm and start to move Allura off of her torso.

A solid ten minutes later she was free.

"They're so weird..." She muttered, accepting the coffee. "And how are they even still asleep? I'm hungover and awake before them." She complained, moving to the living room of her apartment. Jenny waved from kitchen.

"Well, uh, they were up until four in the morning," Ryan shrugged "Turns out you're a runaway drunk. They came to the conclusion you couldn't leave if they all just dogpiled on top of you." He snorted with a roll of his eyes "It was a nice sentiment." He tried as Pidge pressed her fingers to her temples. She wasn't sure if the headache was from the headache or hearing about last night.

"Was it bad?" She sighed as Jenny skipped into the room, dumping eggs on her lap.

"Nah, I _loved_ it!" She said, clapping her hands together - a bit too loudly - before sitting down. "At least you didn't turn bright red like Keith did..." She mused and Pidge hummed. Keith did get _ridiculously_ red when he was drunk. Like the color of suit kind of red. Lance absolutely loved it. Keith...Not so much.

"Yeah, but did I say embarrassing stuff?" Pidge prompted. Ryan and Jenny looked at one another.

"You said Lance liked to be handcuffed," Ryan offered "So there was that."

"I would say that to his face sober," Pidge shrugged "So it couldn't have been too bad." She defended. Jenny and Ryan looked at each other before shrugging and taking a sip of their coffee. Pidge yawned, leaning against Ryan's shoulder as she tried to ignore the persistent pounding in her head. She should call Matt. There was no telling what time it was, but typically she called first thing in the morning to say hi and make sure her brother wasn't off getting kidnapped again. Before she could consider finding her phone there was a groan from the other room followed by a wail that had her clapping her hands over her ears.

"SHE'S GONE AGAIN!" Hunk yelled and then there was the sound of several bodies hitting the floor with various levels of panic. She turned to her friends, brows raised.

"Was I really that bad?" She asked as Lance slid into the room, looking around wildly before tripping over his own feet. Allura promptly tripped over him, also faceplanting into the floor. Keith managed to hop over them both, freezing when spotted Pidge sipping some coffee and taking small bites of her food. He stared. She stared back.

"I'm going to bed." He announced and retreated into the room. Pidge snorted as Jenny snickered and walked over to attempt to get Lance and Allura up.

"How much did you even drink last night?" Ryan asked her curiously. Pidge took a sip of her coffee.

"Like two shots and a couple sips of wine. She's an absolute _lightweight_ ," Lance complained as he dusted himself off "You had no business being that much of a stressful drunk with no alcohol."

"Nobody asked you, Lance." Pidge complained.

"I asked me." He shot back as Ryan laughed. "Jenny back me up here!"

"No."

"Really?"

"My friends are loyal to me, loser." Pidge told him smugly and paused in drinking her coffee to look at Ryan. "...is there a shot of tequila in this?"

"Oh - sorry," Ryan yelped and reached over to tug the cup out of her grasp. "That's mine." He said and gave her his cup. "I'm concerned it took you that long to notice though."

" _Ryan_."


	35. Basically a Homecoming (Part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Why aren't there more people like you?" Kaleb asked, tilting his head. Talis resisted the urge to muse his hair at the action. Not that Talis was a fool enough to dare touch their brother's hair. "Are they on a different planet?" He mused and then brightened "I would like to see a planet full of people like you!" He beamed before smirking, his face twisting into something devious "It bet it would be smelly like you." He added and Talis groaned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y'all been asking for Talis' backstory. Here ya go. I'm thinking it's going to be two (MAYBE three?) parts. Also, some pre-enemy Sadie and Kaleb content for you. Enjoy.

It was cold. 

Too cold to only be wearing scraps of cloth, certainly. Talis shivered before clinging more to the figure next to them. They weren't quite certain where they were...Someplace dark and empty with a vast sky above them, the stars giving enough light to illuminate four other people. Nobody dared to make a sound. The other three aliens only quietly gripped at Talis while an ominous figure stood in front with a black cloak covering his arms and face. There were a few heavy moments of silence before the hooded man spoke.

”You...Don’t have the money?” He asked, voice tense and gravelly. Talis nervously clung tighter. From above, the person next to them nodded sharply. 

“If we could just have more time-“

”Not interested.” The man snapped back “Perhaps you don’t understand how business works. You pay. I provide. If you don’t pay...Well,” He shrugged and Talis buried their face further into warmth. “I suppose you are about to find out.” 

“You would let us die?” Came the desperate plea from somewhere behind Talis. “We have nowhere to go! Pirates are everywhere - there’s no way we can find a safe place to stay unless you take us there!”

”Go back to your own planet then,” The man sniffed, an air of boredom lacing his tone “I have people paying me to help them navigate them across this place. You are not one of them.” 

“Our planet is sick!” Someone argued from Talis’ other side. “If we go back then we’ll be infected and-“

”I don’t know how else to reiterate this,” The hooded man sighed “No. Not unless you have something worthwhile to offer me.” He snapped. Anger rose - hot and thick somewhere in the midst of the cold within Talis' chest. They growled - sort of. It might have been more of a low hiss. Yellow eyes flicked down to them. Talis narrowed their eyes and looked back. 

The wind blew sharply, making everyone but the hooded man shiver. Finally, he spoke again, this time he voice light with interest.

”How about the kid?” He suggested and Talis paused. Kid? What kid? At three-years-old they were pretty much an adult. A hand tightened on their shoulder and suddenly there were four sets of eyes flickering down at them. Eyes that all seemed to be thinking something that Talis couldn't quite figure out.

“...Talis? Why would you want Talis?” The person behind them spoke. There was a prickle of panic at that. The man scoffed.

”Children fetch a high price in Zarkon’s empire. They are easier to mold into obedience. How can you fight for freedom of you've never experienced it?” He reasoned and Talis felt their lungs burn as they took another deep breath. They weren’t sure what everyone was talking about - or who Zarkon was - but none of it sounded good. All Talis really wanted was to go home and be warm. And have food. Food sounded very appealing at the moment. Something hot and chewy...

”Voltron defeated Zarkon," One of the voices from Talis' side snapped, unaware of the inner ramblings going on "The universe knows this.” 

“So what?” Came a bitter laugh “You think that changes anything? It’ll be eons before they free the hundreds of planets he’s enslaved. The only reason space pirates don’t raid them is because the galra who are running everything have managed to keep the order.” He scoffed “Your child will be an adult before anyone from _Voltron_ can get to them.” 

Silence followed. 

“...and if we do this. You'll grant us safe passage?”

”No!” Came a sharp retort from Talis’ other side. “We aren’t handing over child over to the galra! What’s wrong with you? Sotiz. Say something.” They added, but nobody else spoke.

“Sotiz...?”

”If we stay Talis will die anyways.” Came a quiet response “Along with us. At least this way we can ensure our own lives.”

....wait. Talis frowned, trying to process the words. It was too cold to focus on them, but there was anger emanating from their right.

“You two are serious?”

”What other option do we have, Naja?” One of them groaned “It’s not like we even had them on purpose!”

Talis felt their heart pick up speed. Something was wrong. They reached up to grab a hand, but felt the person next to them tug away. 

“You...” Came a strangled response “There is another option. There is.” They tried as they reached for Talis, but the man in the cloak only shook his head “I could go instead-“

”You’re too old,” The man interrupted “The work would kill you quicker...And I wouldn’t make nearly as much money.” He said and held out his hand “I’m losing patience. Deal or no deal?” 

Something was wrong. Talis’ chest felt too tight. There was only silence and then hands clasping together.

Suddenly, the warmth beside them was gone. 

“Good. I’ll pick you up after I finish the sale.” 

Something was very, very wrong. 

“Ceres?” Talis asked, and an iron grip yanked their arm. “Ceres?” They repeated, voice going a bit higher with desperation. Something was wrong. It was too cold. Too tight. Something was... 

There was a soft smell of flowers and their legs went numb.

_"Ceres!"  
_

Something was wrong. 

“NO!” 

Talis thrashed, a bout of heat hitting them as they screamed, kicking violently to detangle themselves from whatever was around them. No. No. _No_. They wanted to screech out the words, but the air was suddenly gone from their chest - leaving them floundering for air. Somewhere in the distance, they vaguely recognized a hand was placed on either shoulder, words coming into focus.

”...Talis! Hey - hey, calm down - KEITH!” A voice yelled "GET IN HERE!"

There was a sound of the door opening again as Talis gasped, gripping desperately at their throat as the light was flicked on and they could properly see around the room. Hands were rubbing up and down their arms.

"What's going on?" Keith's voice called and Talis bit back a sob.

"I don't know," Lance said quickly, panic rooted in his words. "Can you breathe? Do we need to take you to the hospital?" He asked and Talis gave a shuddering breath, trying to find their voice. Their body felt like it was burning. Like it was dying slowly, but also with no time to spare. They nodded and Lance paled.

"Whoa," Keith interjected and knelt next to his husband "Let's take a second."

"There isn't time, Keith. Something is clearly wrong-"

"A few seconds and we'll go," Keith reassured him. Talis swallowed. They were shivering now - though Talis wasn't sure if the cold had anything to do with it anymore. "You're going to be alright. Let's just paused for a second and figure out what's happening."

"That's what _doctors_ are for!" Lance snapped "Which we are _not_."

"They won't find anything." Talis whispered. It was relief that they could talk. There were a few minutes of uncertainty there. Both Keith and Lance turned to look at them. "...they only know human stuff." They pointed out, evening out their breaths. Keith frowned at that, head tilting slightly. From beside him, Lance was shaking his head.

"Hey - that's not true. Pidge worked with our doctors for months to..." Lance began, but trailed off for a moment. "That isn't comforting is it?" He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. Sure, Talis' doctors were familiar with their species. Keith and Lance had made it a point to ensure Pidge and the others knew Talis' biology well... But it wasn't the same. There was still a swelling of fear that the group of humans were missing something that might be obvious to someone...Well, someone more like Talis.

"Okay. Then...We'll find a new doctor." Keith promised and grabbed their hand "Is that what's going on right now? Because we can go the hospital if you don't feel okay." He added and Lance nodded his vehement approval. Talis looked down at their hands. At some point over the last seven years, Talis felt they had started slacking on operation: Become the Greatest Warrior of All Time. They certainly didn't feel like a warrior right now. At fourteen...Well. Life was already sucking and the dreams were just...Icing on the cake.

"Can I just sleep with you?" They whispered, tugging on the bedsheets absently. "...please?"

"Yeah," Keith smiled and narrowed his eyes "Are you going to ask me to shift into my galra form?" He asked, raising a brow. Talis smiled weakly.

"Are you going to tell me no?" They quipped back and Keith snorted before tugging them up.

* * *

"Mr - Uh, Miss... _Talis_!"

"Paladin is fine," Talis sang as they picked up their bag "If you are still struggling with a title."

Commander McGregor scowled as he crossed his arms.

" _Cadet_ ," He tried instead "Where do you think you are going?" He snapped out and Talis looked over their shoulder to see a few curious glances being thrown their way. The cafeteria was mostly full of sweaty cadets and teachers who used far too much perfume so really, Talis wasn't sure why there was any complaint on one person leaving. Perhaps Commander McGregor was just jealous that it wasn't him. 

"I'm eating with my brother today." They announced and the man stared. Talis stared back. "He's in the elementary school over there." They added for context, jutting their thumb towards the window where the neighboring school was visible. They weren't sure why he looked so surprised. Talis did this a lot.

"No," He shook his head. "I'm not allowing-"

Talis turned invisible.

How else could they deal with this scenario? Feeling the familiar tug in their chest before letting their body go tingly, they opened their eyes just in time to see McGregor reach out in alarm. Talis snorted and easily dodged. Part of them was tempted to watch the chaos for a few more moments, but they also had an appointment to go to. Twirling out of the way of the group of students who had gotten up to see what was happening, Talis skipped over towards the school's exit.

The elementary school located right next to Garrison was what Talis liked to think of as...Well, a sort of zoo. You got a wild bunch of young humans and (some) aliens who were at the age where the world was black and white and fun. Well... For most people.

"Kaleb," Talis greeted as they crossed the playground to where their brother was sitting alone on the swing. A group of kids were running in the distance, laughing as they played a game of tag in the grass area next to them. Kaleb glanced up from where he was sitting, not looked particularly surprised at Talis' appearance "What's up, little man?" They said, taking the empty swing next to him.

"Just chilling..." He answered "Being chill."

Talis stared at the ten-year-old and pulled out their lunch, handing him a couple apple slices.

"Do you want to talk about it?" They asked as Kaleb bit into one.

"No," He answered and glowered at where the kids were "I just don't feel like playing is all."

Talis rolled their eyes and took a bite of their sandwich.

"She has the _flu_ , Kaleb. You don't have to isolate yourself because she's sick for two days." They said and Kaleb grimaced, taking another bite of his apple.

"Jacob Jacobson said people sometimes die from the flu." He whispered "What if Sadie _dies_ , Talis?" He asked and as if he was somehow connected to her, grasped at his throat in phantom pain. He turned his wide eyes to Talis, who remained unimpressed with the situation. Their brother and his best friend were both...Unique people. God help them if they ever were apart for more than a week.

"You're going to listen to someone named Jacob Jacobson?" They asked and kicked his leg. "You're supposed to be _smart_ , idiot."

"I _am_ ," He insisted, crossing his arms. Talis took another bite of their sandwich "You'll see. Next year Sadie and I are going to the Garrison and I'm going to be in _your_ classes I'm so smart." He said with a nod of his head. Talis tried to imagine their brother sitting in aerodynamic engineering with them. Please. God no. They didn't deserve _that_. Before they could voice this complaint however, Kaleb spoke again. "Dad and papa were talking about getting you a new doctor this morning."

Shit.

"Oh..." Talis said "Yeah, I kind of asked them to." They said and tore off the crust of their second piece of sandwich to hand it over to Kaleb. He looked at them, eyes waiting for an explanation. Not that Talis could answer it fully. How could they even _begin_ to explain the... Well, the terror. The sense of doom and fear and nightmares... And questions. "It just makes sense that I should have a doctor who is more...Like me." They explained. Kaleb blinked.

"What do you mean?"

"Well...You know how I'm, uh, red and can turn invisible and have the glowing eyes and stuff?" They said. Kaleb nodded. "I would like my doctor to be like that."

"Oh." Kaleb said and frowned "Do...Do you want your teacher to be like that?"

"Uh...I guess that would be cool."

"And friends?"

"I would like that."

"Your brother?" He wheedled and Talis sighed "Or your parents?"

" _No_ , dumbass." They said and kicked him again "You are the only brother I want. And God knows I love dad and papa...Don't tell them I said that." They added hastily and Kaleb smiled a little. It disappeared after a few seconds though, his brows coming together in concentration. "What?"

"Why aren't there more people like you?" He asked, tilting his head. Talis resisted the urge to muse his hair at the action. Not that Talis was a fool enough to _dare_ touch Kaleb's hair. "Are they on a different planet?" He mused and then brightened "I would like to see a planet full of people like you!" He beamed before smirking, his face twisting into something devious "It bet it would be _smelly_ like you." He added and Talis groaned.

"You're an idiot." They announced and stood up "Now go be a normal kid and play with your friends. Sadie is _fine_." They insisted and pushed him towards they grass. Grumbling, Kaleb said something that he would _definitely_ be grounded for saying in front of their dad and sulked off towards the group. Talis tsked, jamming their hands in their uniform pockets before wading out back towards the Garrison.

Kaleb's question tugged at the back of their mind.

 _Was_ there a planet full of people like them? It seemed hard to imagine. Talis had grown up only seeing perhaps one other person who looked like them before Keith came. And slaves didn't often talk to one another. They turned back to see Kaleb being chased and immediately shrieking when one person tagged him by tapping his hair. Maybe...There _weren't_ other people like them.

Maybe ditching school was a better idea.

* * *

His name was Binton.

He didn't wear a white lab coat - or have a stethoscope around his neck like Talis had grown accustomed to over the years. Instead, he wore a sort of...Dress. That was yellow with various symbols written on the sleeve that actually _moved_. Talis said nothing, despite being fascinated by the clearly magical outfit, seeing the lines jerk and swirl repeatedly as the man knelt in front of them and pressed a...Potato-like device to their forehead.

"What's that?" They asked as it was pulled away. They tried not to sound suspicious, but Talis wanted to be certain they weren't be taken as a fool. Perhaps this guy really put a potato to their forehead. It wouldn't be the first time (looking at you Uncle Hunk).

"It is a...Well, the English word for it would be something like neurocather." He said. Talis frowned. There was no such word. "It allowed me to see the workings of your, uh, brain." He said and Talis curiously reached for it. "Well, a sort of brain."

"Are you calling me stupid?" Talis demanded and Binton snorted, gently taking the neurocather out of their hands again. He smiled and shook his head, patting their knee as if they had said something humorous rather than defend their intelligence against a man with a potato.

"Our kind do not have the same brains as humans. They work very differently." He explained and pulled out some sort of ointment to rub on Talis' hands. "What we have are called scopes." He said. Talis blinked. Scopes. "But I won't bore you with the science of it. Just know it is a very complicated organ that allows you to function as you do." He smiled and put the ointment away. Talis bit their lip.

We. Our. Us.

It felt strange.

"What...Are our species called?" They asked. It was a question Talis knew they could have asked their parents. Perhaps they should have. But something about it had always seemed...Wrong. Like if they asked then suddenly they were acknowledging they were different. Perhaps part of Talis would readily admit that - as inane as it sounded - they kind of thought Keith and Lance hadn't noticed they were a different species...And pointing it out would open a whole can of worms that they weren't sure they wanted to deal with... Even when Keith and Lance had each gently tried to _have_ that conversation a few times. Talis would only push it away. Ignore.

Binton smiled, sticking something long and green in their ear.

"Xons." He answered and took the thing back out "We hail from the planet Ethera." He said and part of Talis wanted to make fun of him because...Well, who said that anyone _hailed_ from anything? What a dork. The other part was still trying to digest the knowledge. Xon. Ethera.

"What is it like?" They asked and Binton hummed, packing up his things as he seemed to mull over the question.

"Quite beautiful." He finally settled on...Which was a disappointing answer really. Beautiful could mean anything from bold and dangerous to soft with sweet smelling flowers and shallow rivers. "It was hit with a plague many years ago...There was a time of ruin and many perished, but it has recovered nicely over the years." He said and Talis' mind flickered back to their dream.

_Our planet is sick!_

"What kind of plague?" They gently probed, unwilling to demand an answer that they weren't even sure they wanted. Binton's eyes darkened and for a second Talis allowed themselves some comfort in that they looked so similar to their own.

"A long and horrible one," The doctor sighed "Am I right to assume you can turn invisible?" He asked and Talis sat up with a sharp nod. "A common ability among xons. It was suggested that at the beginning of time when our species was still ability it helped us hide from prey...Others insist it helped us hunt." He shrugged "At any rate it is a useful ability now... It is in a special part of our scopes." He said, tapping his head which was a little weird because Talis always felt something in their chest when they turned invisible. "But the plague... The plague destroyed that part of the scope."

"So you couldn't turn invisible...?" They frowned and Binton shook his head.

"You _stayed_ invisible. And when you stay invisible...You slowly lose other things too. Your voice. Your hearing. Your smell...There were no bodies found. Only screams and then nothing more." He sighed and ran a wary hand over his face. "I was a young xon when it all happened. It took so many...You would have only been a small child." He added thoughtfully, brows pulling together. "Perhaps that's how you ended up here."

"No." Talis said, jaw tightening "I...My dad is how I ended up here. Before that I was with the galra."

There was a flicker of surprise that crossed over Binton's face before melting into something more... Well, Talis wasn't sure what it was. His eyes widened marginally before almost dropping the bag of tools he had packed up so neatly.

"You were sold?" He asked and Talis shrugged, jamming their hands into the soft padding of the examination table.

"Were there many children sold?"

A pause.

"No," He said softly "No. Not at all."

There were more questions to ask at that, of course. Why not? Did that mean he knew their parents? Knew them in some way? Was there something special about their circumstance? There was so much whirling around, but under the weight of it all Talis wanted to retreat in some sort of cowardly fashion. After all, this only solidified what they already knew. Their... Birth givers, whoever they were, were trash people...Or xons. Whatever. They were _trash_ and Talis wanted nothing to do with them. In fact - they were happy, no _grateful_ that they didn't have to grow up with them. They met Keith. Lance. Kaleb. A much better family than they could have ever _hoped_ -

"Talis...?"

Blanching, they jerked their head up to see Lance in the doorway, watching as Talis tore at the table in absent anger. Binton grimaced, but said nothing.

"Hey," They greeted and looked over at the doctor "Am I healthy?"

"Very," He agreed and patted their knee "Though you _could_ stand to eat more vegetables, I'm afraid."

Talis narrowed their eyes.

"Papa, did you tell him to say that?" They asked, wrinkling their nose. Lance shrugged, but it did nothing to hide his grin. "I eat the required amount of vegetables I need to achieve my maximum strength...And not a single lima bean more." They sniffed, crossing their arms over their chest. Lance snorted, but held his hands up in surrender. Binton looked alarmed. Possibly not knowing what a lima bean was...What a lucky man. Xon. Lucky xon.

"Thank you for coming all this way, doc." Lance smiled, offering his hand to shake. Binton took it before pressing the tip of his index finger to his forehead. "...okay."

"Is that a xon thing?" Talis asked, jumping off the table. "Can I try?" They asked and without waiting for much more direction, grabbed Lance's other hand and pressed his index finger to their forehead. The paladin seemed to accept this all gracefully, only sighing slightly the rapid change of...Well. This.

"You have raised a fine child." Binton smiled and turned to Talis "And if you have anymore questions about Ethera, do not hesitate to ask."

Damnit. Traitor. He wasn't supposed to mention that _in front of parent #1._

...Or parent #2...Depending on how pleased or displeased Talis was with him. Plus Talis enjoyed yelling it out and seeing whether Keith or Lance would respond...And then argue on how 'no, I am definitely parent #1 - how dare you?'.

At any rate, Lance blinked and Talis knew there was no escaping the conversation to come.

* * *

"...so. Ethera, huh?"

Fast forward to the conversation.

"I was just curious, okay?" Talis muttered as they climbed into the Red Lion. Yes, they took the Red Lion to the doctor's office to see the doctor their parents had personally transported from Ethera to Earth. Listen. Talis was aware they were spoiled... They just also took advantage of it. A lesson that Talis felt like others (Hi, Thea) could stand to learn instead of being angsty about it.

"Talis, that's _okay_. We want you to be curious about it... I'm just a little confused as to why you won't admit you want to know more. Keith and I know a bit about Ethera... We've offered to tell you." He said cautiously and Talis made a face.

"Yeah, well... I didn't want to know then."

"But you do now?"

"Maybe."

"And...?" Lance pressed, maneuvering the lion a bit higher. Talis shifted. "I'll maybe -  _maybe_ let you steer if you tell me." He wheedled and Talis bit their lip. Ooh, he knew them well. Sighing, Talis tugged on their seat belt and stared out the window. 

"I _know_ you guys know things...And I know you want to tell me about those things." They said slowly "And you guys... _Kind_ of get it. Dad didn't know about galra stuff until later on so I'm sure he understands... But you understand this part, right?" They asked, finally allowing themself to turn to where Lance was pulling how brows together. "If you didn't know you were Cuban...Would you want someone who _wasn't_ Cuban to explain it to you?" They finally asked quickly, ripping it off like the awful band-aid it was. Lance's face cleared. "And I didn't want to hurt your feelings or anything because-"

"Talis," Lance interrupted "Hey. That totally makes sense... And it was wrong of us to not think about it that way." He said, lowering Red a bit. "We should have figured out a way to surround you with more xons and not expected you to talk to us about it." He said. Talis bit their lip. They wanted to argue that they had never brought it up. Never questioned their identity or any of that...Never really _wanted_ to know... But they knew Lance well at this point and was fairly certain it would get them nowhere. The guy was stubborn.

"I...Uh, also didn't ask...Because I was a little worried that maybe I wouldn't like them."

"What? Xons?" Lance asked, bewildered "Like...All of them? Talis, my sweet child, I know you aren't always a people person but I'm sure you would like at least _one-"_

"Nobody even _looked_ for me!" Talis interrupted "Binton just said there weren't many kids sold to the galra and nobody even _looked_. And the only person like me I knew was-" They started and stopped. Jara. And _God_ , how Talis hated Jara. The woman - er, xon, whatever, had been another slave on the planet they were taken to. The very same xon who had told Keith to ignore Talis when they first met. The xon who had never bothered to tell Talis about the name of their species or planet or even _talk_ to them. "I'm just saying," Talis grumbled "My parents sold me and Jara sucked. That isn't a good track record."

"Did you like Binton?" Lance asked and Talis shrugged. He was old, but so was bisabuela and she was _awesome_. "Maybe...We should take a trip to Ethera...?" He said and Talis wrinkled their nose "...you can miss school...?"

"Yeah, okay." They said and Lance rolled his eyes. "Also, you promised me I could pilot-"

"I said, _steer-_ "

"Papa, did you _not_ hear how sad I am to be a lonely xon in this human world?"

"Oh my - don't tell your father."

* * *

"This is the _best_ ," Kaleb declared as he tugged down his overflowing suitcase "Sadie and I are going to eat chicken noodle soup so she feels better and then deep condition our hair and then learn the names of all the different poisons and then play videogames-"

"Kaleb, please behave while you're there!" Keith groaned as he desperately tried to pack his own bag "James and Nathan are doing us a favor by watching you this week-"

"A _favor_?" Kaleb yelled as he continued to drag his suitcase out of the room "I'm a joy to be around!" He called and when the doorbell rang, shrieked "THEY'RE HERE!"

Talis scoffed, creeping up to the front door to see Kaleb throw it open with a loud bang that shook the house. James and Nathan didn't look particularly surprised to see Kaleb answering the door with his suitcase, backpack, back-up backpack, and messenger bag around him. Talis, on the other hand, was slightly surprised to see Sadie also standing in the doorway with a blanket around her shoulders and a bucket in her hands.

"SADIE!" Kaleb yelled "You're supposed to be in _bed_!" He said, whispering the last part when she flinched at the initial volume. The girl nodded and took a long breath before opened her blanket to reveal a bag of peppermints.

"I didn't think my parents would remember to bring you mints," She whispered, voice hoarse and strained "And if you don't have mints in the car you get sick and then we would _both_ be sick and that's boring." She announced, handing him the bag. James rolled his eyes. "I'm going to throw up." She said "Please get in the car."

"Oh - baby, why don't you lie down?" Nathan winced as he steadied his daughter when she almost face-planted. "Uh...Talis!" He said with an air of relief when he saw them watching the scene "Could you please tell your parents we got Kaleb?" He asked and Talis held up a finger before yelling up the stairs.

"DAD! PAPA! Sadie has come on her death bed to get her boyfriend!" They yelled and Kaleb went red, muttering something about Talis being stupid.

"ARE JAMES AND NATHAN WITH HER?" Keith yelled back and there was a crash from somewhere upstairs.

"YES!" Talis yelled and Lance suddenly appeared, giving an small wave before walking over and kissing Kaleb's head.

"Be good. Listen to Nathan and..." He looked up at James with a wince "Sorry, Keith would like me to relay that Kaleb does _not_ listen to you under any circumstances." He said and the pilot narrowed his eyes.

"Sadie. Cough on Kaleb." He instructed. Lance gasped.

"No biological warfare!" He yelped, pulling Kaleb away "...and using the kids. Shame." He added with a scowl. Sadie, for her part, only groaned.

"I can see death." She whispered. Kaleb's eyes widened and he turned to try and follow her gaze.

"...what does he look like? Does he have a scarf? I kind of always thought he would have a scarf." He said and Talis clicked their tongue.

"Goodbye, Kaleb." They announced, pushing him out the door. "I'll help with the bags-"

"These aren't for me," Kaleb interrupted with a frown. Talis paused. "I don't need anything, I can just borrow Sadie's stuff." He said and pushed the mound of bags towards them. "These are for you because you aren't good at packing." He announced. Talis stared.

"I'm not good at...? You didn't even pack anything!" They argued. "And Sadie is sick! How are you going to borrow her stuff?" They demanded, but Kaleb was already out the door, dashing towards the car as he popped some mints in his mouth.

"HER SICKNESS WILL MAKE ME STRONG!" He yelled back. Sadie nodded at that, turning to where her fathers still hadn't moved and held up her arms.

"Carry me. I'm weak." She announced and that was how Talis was left in the middle of the doorway with a bunch of bags and her father staring after his son with a gaping mouth.

"...I don't know how he's mine." Lance sighed, closing the door. "The boy didn't even take a pair of underwear."

"I've been meaning to tell you that dad is having an affair."

"Like he could do better than me." Lance grumbled, lightly shoving them. From upstairs there was another bang and a lot of swearing. "In fact... I think I could have done better myself."

"Yeah, yeah!" Keith's voice yelled "Fuck you too, sweetheart."

"I'm just glad I'm not biologically related to you." Talis grumbled and went to take their four bags Kaleb had packed to the Black lion.

* * *

Here's a secret that Talis had never _dared_ tell a single soul...Sometimes - _sometimes_ , they swore Black talked to them.

Nothing big or anything. Just an occasional chuckle or a reaction that Talis would sense and then realize minutes later had not been their own. It was something they had brought up to their dad very subtly only once... Keith had blinked, curiously asking if it happened with the other lions too. Talis couldn't really say - they only spent time with Red and Black quite honestly...And there was a good chance that Red hated them after the incident where Talis thought it would be cool to give the lion a makeover...via graffiti.

...Lance almost died right then and there when he had seen _that_.

At any rate, Black would occasionally give Talis the smallest of pushes or nudges. It was the same now as Talis let their leg bounce nervously, trying to imagine Ethera and whether it would be...Well. Like Earth? Like the nameless planet they had lived on before? Like any of the planets in Star Wars?

It was stressful.

Wait. Was Talis dressed appropriately? They looked down at their studded leather jacket and frowned. Huh. Maybe they should have gone to the back of their closet and found their old Voltron merchandise. A t-shirt with Hunk's face on it seemed like the better option.

...or maybe the xons were intimidating. And they should be pulling out their bulkiest boots and rip their jeans up a bit more. Oh God. Maybe it was a bad decision to refuse to ask any questions. Then again, Talis was the kind of person to take a test after weeks of refusing to study so maybe they were in their element. Tapping their fingers on their knee, they turned to where Keith was pulling them out of Earth's atmosphere while Lance set up comms.

"Should I message Nathan to make sure Kaleb doesn't try to share Sadie's toothbrush?"

"Babe, you are definitely too late."

"Damnit. Your turn to take care of him when he gets sick then." Lance grumbled. Talis snorted and squeezed between the two, staring out into the lines of stars that zipped past them. Keith threw them a small smile, nudging their leg with his boot.

"Excited?" He asked and Talis considered.

"...Nervous. I'm sure that would go away if we went upside down for a little though." They pointed out rationally. Keith sighed.

"I'm not going upside down."

"Sure, sure... I do happen to have some knowledge on the toothbrush front." They said and Lance immediately spun to look at them.

"You do? What? Tell me." He said and Keith groaned.

"No! Lance, they are just trying to-"

"Do you remember the last time he was sick, Keith? Do you?" Lance demanded "Three in the morning. A child comes into our bed. And just. Throws up. Everywhere. Do you want to relive that?" He asked and Keith bit his lip before turning to narrow his gaze at Talis.

"...do you really have good intel?"

"I always do, parent #2."

"How dare - okay. Whatever. We can go upside down." He mumbled, sinking a bit more in the pilot's seat as Lance gave a silent fist pump of victory at his recently won parent #1 spot. "Just tell us, Talis."

"Yeah...Kaleb doesn't brush his teeth. He just runs it under the water so you think he does." Talis shrugged, ignoring Lance's scandalized gasp.

" _He's going to get cavities_!"

"Yeah, Lance. I kno-"

" _He isn't going to have_ _teeth_!"

"At least he isn't sick."

"Damnit, Keith. Do you want him to die of gum disease?" Lance yelled and Talis smiled. Ratting Kaleb out was always fun. At the very least it took their mind off of Ethera...And going upside down definitely helped too. In fact, Talis was almost ready to face whatever this planet might hold. It was a piece of rock floating in space after all. How intimidating could it -

"We're here."

Holy Quiznak.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi again. It's me. I know my posting schedule has been all over the place, but hopefully something of a pattern will emerge again soon.


	36. Basically a Homecoming (Part 2)

The room was mostly dark aside from a single beam of light that came from the crack of the door, spilling into the room.

"Do you think they'll like it there?"

Sadie blinked the sleep from her eyes, shifting a little as she squinted to see Kaleb next to her in the dark, his hands picking at the blankets absently.

"What?" She asked, trying to clear her throat from the sickness and she could feel him stop moving for a moment. She scooted a little closer, letting her foot nudge his ever so slightly.

"Talis. Do you think they'll like Ethera?" He asked, voice going a bit smaller. Sadie shrugged.

"Probably," She answered and fought off the the need to yawn. "It's their home, after all." She reasoned. Part of Sadie was already scolding herself for the words. Think. _Think_ before you speak. That was always what her father said... But she couldn't help it if people missed the obvious things in life. Still, she felt the consequences of her words sink in as Kaleb flinched. "Well, not their _home_ ," She tacked on hastily. "Obviously not-"

"It's okay," Kaleb interrupted her and flopped on his back, staring at the ceiling. A few beats of silent passed between them. "I hope they don't stay there."

"Why would they stay?" Sadie frowned. She forced herself not to point out this place probably would only build resentment if anything. Personally, Sadie didn't feel as though this would create any peace...Then again, what did she know? She was ten.

"Because it's better there. With people who look like them. Who can turn invisible or..." He trailed off and turned to Sadie. "Maybe they'll find their parents and they would have had a good reason for what they did."

"...for slavery?"

"What?"

Ah...Right. Sadie felt a wave of panic at that. She may have overheard whispers of her parents talking about Talis' background, but it would make sense that Kaleb wasn't given all of that information yet. Still, she felt that was a little unfair. Kaleb was smarter than anyone cared to notice. In fact, he didn't even look surprise as he questioned her. Only puckering out his lips for a moment before nodding.

"That makes sense," He finally sighed without waiting for her to explain "But still. Maybe it was a life or death thing." He reasoned, curling his hand in the blankets. Sadie said nothing, not trusting herself. She knew she wasn't a comforting person... Not at all. It confused her a bit that Kaleb even spent so much time around her considering how sensitive he was to the world... But she wasn't one to question those sorts of things. Not if they were good. "I just don't want them to leave, I think." He sighed.

"What if it makes them happy?"

Silence.

"Then I'll still have you, right?" Kaleb finally asked, turning over. The darkness still swallowed up most of the room... But even so, Sadie knew Kaleb's face well enough to picture his expression. The hope in it that seemed only reserved for them. "We're going to best friends forever." He declared and Sadie smiled.

"Forever." She agreed and there was a soft hum of approval.

"And when we go to the Garrison next year..." He mused "It's going to be even _better_." He grinned and Sadie felt the smile fade from her face into something filled into askance. She swallowed, trying to pass the lump in her throat as another sign of the flu.

"Kaleb?" She broached carefully, unwilling to make it more than a whisper. "Do you really even want to go the Garrison?" She hinted and Kaleb scoffed, pulling up the covers a bit more. "I mean, how do you even _know_ you want to be a pilot?" She asked "Don't you want to... Try other things?" She reasoned. "After all, you can always join the Garrison later. It's not like anyone would tell you no with your parents." She pointed out and Kaleb propped himself up his elbows, the light forming a line of his face.

"Of course, I do." He snorted. "Why would anyone not want to go? It's _space_... I can't wait to see it." He smiled a little to himself. "Don't worry. I'm going." He added, possibly feeling Sadie's tension rise "I would never leave you." He told her, nudging her with his leg. Sadie smiled weakly.

"I really hope Talis doesn't like Ethera." She finally said and Kaleb chuckled lowly before finally settling back in the bed to sleep.

* * *

For lack of a better term...Ethera was...Beautiful.

Yes, yes - it was a lame description, but Talis couldn't think of any other word as Black slowed, down, weaving through a series of moons to get a bit closer to the planet. It... It looked a bit like a marble. Shiny with a few lines of color swirled in the center that moved ever so slightly. Talis almost reached out to it, brows coming together as they observed the line in the middle.

"What...What color is that...?" They murmured, inching up ever so slightly. Keith looked at them, eyes flickering from Talis' face back to the planet.

"...blue?" He frowned, a bit uncertain "What are you talking about?"

"No, the color in the middle. It definitely isn't blue. It's... I've never seen anything like it before." They frowned. There weren't words to describe it. Nothing Talis had ever seen that could accurately represent it. It wasn't hot or cold...Or tied with the forest or the beach... It was just... _Something_ that had no words.

"It looks blue to me," Lance said curiously following their line of sight. Talis shook their head. That wasn't right. It definitely wasn't blue. "Maybe it is something that xons can see that our eyes can't." He offered and Talis pulled their gaze away from the planet to look at their parents. Both were staring expectantly, tense with whatever reaction Talis might give to that. They bit their lip.

"That...Makes sense." They finally said and leaned away. They were approaching the atmosphere, the unnamed color swirling closer so that it obscured the entire windshield as they got closer. Despite piloting, Keith moved his leg over, nudging gently. They nudged back.

Fine. This would be _fine._

If nothing else, Talis would be sure to learn the name of that color.

That was the thought that stuck with them as they landed, the ground seemingly rippling beneath them like water. Talis swallowed, moving a little closer to the window to see out. It was immediately made clear that Ethera was a place that made you feel very small and very big all at once.

It was filled with rolling mountains that seemed to peak so high that they disappeared into the sky with no known end. Talis expected them to be piled with snow, but instead water ran freely down the sides, like an endless waterfall that sprayed rain on them as they exited Black, shielding themselves from the surprisingly warm droplets. Squinting slightly, Talis could make out something akin to buildings somewhere in front of them, but with the sun...Or...suns...Were there _two_? At any rate, they had both sunk low enough so that the moons they had passed by earlier hung high in the sky, dusting everything in purple light.

"Wow." Talis said because...Yeah. What more was there to say? Lance nodded in agreement, also looking momentarily at loss for words. Talis wanted to ask how this compared to the dozens of planets their parents had been to. If it even compared or if their amazement was genuine.

"It's very pretty." Keith said and took his helmet off, shaking his hair free so that Lance whistled. "Shut up."

"What now?" Talis asked, ignoring their antics. "Are we supposed to... Um..." They trailed off "Get a hotel?"

Lance laughed and started walking forward, his feet crunching on the ground underneath. It sounded and...Felt a bit like snow, but the color was more silver and with every movement it glimmered like mercury. Talis scurried after him, trying not to stare too much at the ground and how it almost seemed like walking on water. Keith mused their hair as he passed, offering an explanation.

"We've been invited as...ambassadors. So we'll stay at the embassy." He explained and Black gave a purr as a goodbye. Talis nodded. Right. Of course.

"Where are we exactly?" They asked and both paladins turned to look at them. "I mean... Does it have countries, like Earth?" They reasoned.

"I think so, but it's a bit different. Each...um, country, I guess, has a leader but there is one sole ruler of all Ethera who has a certain amount of power." Lance explained "I think there are six countries?" He said and Talis rose their eyebrows. That didn't seem like a lot at all. Still, they had to keep in mind this world was...Different and accept it.

It took them only a few minutes to get to the town. People must have seen Black from above because there was already a group of people hovering around, whispering at what appeared to be a large gate. It opened without prompting, making the ground tremble and shimmer so that they could walk through, despite the group of xons who seemed to have no shame at openly staring. Talis did notice a few of them disappearing into thin air though. Binton's comments about xons and invisibility played at the front of their mind.

"Paladin Keith?"

Talis froze.

They knew _that_ voice. Even if they hadn't heard it in years. For a moment their skin prickled and Talis swung around to see a xon approaching them, eyes warily flickering over Talis before nodding.

"I...We've met." Keith blinked, looking startled "Jara, right?" He asked and looked down at Talis who nodded curtly. They didn't remember Jara particularly. More of a stain in their memories than an actual form. The xon nodded. "You were on the planet I found Talis on." Keith clarified further. "I'm glad to see you made your way home."

And with that he turned away. Polite - but an obvious dismissal. Jara cleared their throat.

"I've been asked to escort you to the embassy."

Of fucking course.

Keith and Lance looked at one another, doing that weird thing that they _swore_ wasn't telepathy but Talis also was a hundred percent certain it was. After having their silent conversation, they turned back to Jara. Keith didn't bother to hide his disapproval, but Lance at least pretended to smile as he accepted the help.

"Talis," Jara said, finally looking at them "I don't know if you remember me-"

"I do." Talis said, jutting out their chin. "I remember."

An awkward silence followed that. Jara only nodded and gestured them to follow, her shoulders rolling back as she straightened herself up. Nobody said a word as they started to make their way to the large building. More xons came to stare and Talis realized that not all of them _did_ look like them. At least not completely. Some had different eyes that glowed white or pink instead of orange. There were others with purple hair or some with green. Even their skin colors seemed to vary from gray or red. Nobody aside from Jara made an effort to speak to them, though Talis did feel a set of eyes dig into their back.

They turned.

"Talis?" Lance asked, but Talis almost didn't hear him as they looked down and made a choking noise. Their hand had flickered for a moment - the redness burning into black as they glanced up at met someone else's eyes. The xon tilted its head, not looking surprised at the display. Perhaps it was normal? The panic receded slightly, but it did nothing to stop them from flinching away from Jara when she circled back.

"Why did that happen?" They asked, staring as their hand returned back to it's normal color. Jara rose an eyebrow, turning to look at the crowd behind them. Talis followed her gaze, but the xon from before had disappeared.

"It is nothing to worry about now." Was the only answered given before leading them back towards the embassy.

"Are you alright?" Lance asked, grabbing their hand. Talis nodded, though they felt the eyes return - staring.

They didn't turn around again.

* * *

Okay, so their rooms were nice. Clearly, the xons had tried to make them feel as at home as possible with beds and furniture that looked similar to what you might find at a Marriott Hotel. Talis wasn't sure if xons had similar styles or it was purposely made to look like something on Earth.

"Commander Yaz will meet with you tomorrow morning." Jara told them, helping move their bags inside.

"Commander Yaz?" Talis repeated, sitting at the end of one of the beds. "Is that the leader of this country?"

"Country?" Jara repeated, looking perplexed by the word. Talis tried to hold back an indignant huff. More words to learn, certainly. "You mean, colony." They mused and shook their head "Commander Yaz runs all of Ethera. Below the commander are administrators. They run each of the six colonies." Jara said and Talis nodded, despite the fact they knew they would definitely forget that bit of information.

It was just... A lot. A lot of things. They should have brought something to write it all down in.

Then again, they glanced over to see Lance recording something into his logs. Maybe he had that covered. Between the two of them, Lance had always - _always_ been the one into studying and making sure you took the necessary steps to complete a task. Which made him such a parent #2 when it came to making sure Talis and Kaleb finish their homework.

Keith on the other hand...Well. He was closing the door on Jara's face so really, Talis didn't think they needed to explain his role too much.

"We should figure out a way to get Jara away from us while we're here." He grumbled, wrinkling his nose. Lance nodded in agreement, glaring a little at the door before turning to Talis with a warm smile. "You doing good so far?" Keith asked.

"Yeah, yeah. I'm fine." Talis told them "Would be _more_ fine if we found some xon dessert maybe..." They shrugged "I am not opposed to trying one...Or twelve." They grinned. Junk food always made everything better, after all. And _yes_ , they were aware it wasn't good for their super awesome warrior bod - but hey. A warrior's soul needed to be fed too.

"I was thinking about sleeping," Keith complained "Besides, I still need to figure out if Lance and I can eat this stuff."

"But _I_ can," Talis argued "Jara said there's a kitchen downstairs...Can I try some? Please?" They added, watching Keith narrow his eyes. "I just want a bit of the food I'm _supposed_ to be eating." They tacked on "Maybe I've been missing out on actually tasting things...Like with the weird color." They offered. Before Keith could say no, Lance jumped in.

"Yeah, go ahead." He said, ignoring Keith's scandalized glare. Talis immediately promoted him to parent #1. "Come on, babe. It's not like anyone is going to poison them." He said and grabbed his husband's hand "Besides, I really want a shower." He added and Talis made a face.

"Gross."

"What? I'm not like your brother. I like to be clean." Lance objected and shuddered. Clearly, Kaleb's newfound lack of hygiene was weighing heavily on his mind. Talis didn't feel like pointing out that while the idiot may not brush his teeth, he did show and exorbitant amount for one so small. They figured it would be best brought up at another time though.

"Uh huh," Talis said instead before gesturing towards the door "I'm going to the kitchens now..."

"By yourself?" Keith started "Are you sure? We can-"

"Shower, Keith. I need a shower." Lance cut him with a wary sigh "I don't think you're picking up the hints I'm dropping."

"And again... _Gross_." Talis reiterated, but was a little thankful for the distraction as they slipped back out of the room. It wasn't too hard to find the kitchens. Talis tended to navigate to where food was anyways. It seemed they were they were the only one though because the place was completely empty. Everything looked like it was run by some sort of robot because food was there and freshly prepared even if nobody else was.

"You should try the pangrounds."

Well. Maybe not nobody.

"Pan...Grounds?" Talis repeated and froze when they turned to see the xon from earlier standing in the entryway. "You were staring at me." They added with a note of accusation and looked back down at their hand. Sure enough, it had turn black again. "Why is this happening?" They added, holding it up. The xon moved forward a bit, holding up a hand that was also flickering from red to black.

"I'm Azan."

That wasn't an answer, but whatever.

"I'm Talis." They greeted warily. "You're hand is doing it too." They noted and Azan shrugged. He looked to be around their age, maybe older... And, well, like Talis. Which was _why_ they were here, sure, but it was still weird to see. He had the orange, glowing eyes and markings on red skin with black hair - though his was braided back in some kind complex pattern while Talis was...Well. Even when it was cut short it was wild and curly and overall something Lance liked to complain about often. Their eyes fell, noting a corded necklace around his neck with a copper coin at the end.

"Yeah, I know." He smiled and jerked his head towards the kitchen "Pangrounds? They are really good. I don't know much about Earth food but...um... I think they are like sausages?" He tried and Talis squinted. "Or maybe it was apples."

"Those are two very different things."

"I lied," He said with a shrug "I know nothing about Earth food."

"Well, as it happens I'm an _expert_ in Earth food so I can tell you exactly what it tastes like." Talis said and sat down eagerly at the table. The xon - Azan apparently - grinned and them before punching something in. After a few moments it beeped, popping out what looked to be some kind of...Green...Egg? Maybe it was the fake 'pangrounds' sounded a bit like 'pancakes' but that had not been what Talis was expecting.

"Wait...How did you pay for that?" Talis asked, focused more on the machine than the food. Azan stared.

"Pay...?"

"You don't have to...Give anything for the food?" Talis asked, tilting their head "You just _take_ it?" They asked. Azan shrugged, though a small smile hinted at his lips. Getting up from the table, Talis walked over and beamed at their new friend. This was _fantastic_ news. "You and I...Shall feast." They declared.

* * *

"...it's been too long. I'm looking for them." Keith announced. Lance glanced up from where he was brushing his teeth and sighed.

"You have got to chill out, Keith." He frowned and when his husband turned to respond, held up a hand "This isn't the place to be overbearing. If we were on Earth would you be freaking out over them being gone for twenty minutes?" He asked and when Keith pursed his lips, smiled weakly "We can't act like this place is a threat. This is where Talis' species come from... The last thing they need is for us acting as though we're suspicious of it." He pointed out and Keith sighed, running a hand over his face.

"Yeah, I know... But we don't know a whole lot, Lance. We've never had a planet that _didn't_ have some dark parts of it before. Even our own." He said and walked closer to the bathroom so he could lean against the doorframe "And...Based on what Commander Yaz said earlier-"

"You said you were just organizing the trip, Keith." Lance said sharply "Not prying. That isn't your place."

"It's my _child_." Keith shot back "I just wanted to be sure we wouldn't find out anything too...You know." He shrugged helplessly "It was a lot to find out some of the stuff the galra did. And to know part of me came from that. I don't want Talis to go through that." He reasoned and Lance tossed his toothbrush to the side to turn to him. "And from what the Commander said... Talis' disappearance wasn't exactly unnoticed."

"Keith... You and Talis' situations are similar," Lance sighed and grabbed his hands "But not the same. And you have to let Talis figure this out themselves. After that, we can handle the rest." He promised. Keith made a face. "I personally think our biggest concern is that Kaleb is going to lose all his teeth."

"Lance..."

"Fine. New topic. Have I or have I not yet convinced you to watch Star Wars with me? Talis watched it. I don't know why you're being a coward." He asked, poking at him. "Why don't you share my love of old movies? If I had known you had no taste I would have _never_ married you." He teased, pushing past him to lay on the bed. Keith snorted, though he did glance at the TV set in their room with his lip hidden under his teeth.

"It's just...So... _so_ old..." He complained and paused. "Like you."

"I'm fucking younger than you. You disrespect who I am as a person-"

"Star Wars is not who you are as a person."

"Oh? You know who I am as a person better than me now? I bet you don't even know my favorite number-"

"It's four."

"Lucky guess," Lance sniffed and took advantage of Keith rolling his eyes to tackle him "I'm calling Adam to tell him you called me old. To my face." He added, "And I'm also telling him to take you out of his will."

"I'm not in his will." Keith muttered, but was now thoroughly distracted "Which reminds me. Are we still planning on stealing all of his spoons? Because I need to warn Shiro if we're doing that."

"Shiro needs to grow up and learn to be pranked along with Adam. Stop protecting him." Lance said, hitting a pillow beside him as if to prove his point. Keith narrowed his eyes. After a few seconds of silence, he spoke again.

"You're just mad he ruined your tie last week."

"The man needs to learn to _control_ that arm-"

* * *

"No!"

"Yes!" Azan laughed, clapping his hands together. "I'm not lying. I had _six_ before ceres told me they were toxic and-"

"Ceres?" Talis suddenly interrupting, paused in taking a bite of their food. "I know that name." They said slowly, thinking back to their dream. It had been the name they called out for... Maybe it really was a memory. Azan paused, staring at Talis for a moment before nodding.

"That...Makes sense," He said, stabbing at his pangrounds "It is what most children call their parents." He said "Like how you call yours dad or papa." He said and Talis didn't bother to ask how he knew that. Instead they wallowed a bit at the dead end they had reached in their lead. "Do you...Remember anything else about this place?" He asked, tapping his spork on the counter thoughtfully. Talis shook their head.

"No. Just...One memory that might not even be real," They sighed. Azan gestured for them to continue "It's a dream I always get. Three xons handing me over to this slave trader... I'm not sure who my parents were between them. But it probably isn't even a real memory." They added hastily. Azan opened his mouth for a moment before nodding sharply.

"I...Don't know, but..." He began and paused "I mean, xons tend to have three parents." He said slowly. Talis blinked. "It's...Yeah, there's a whole customary reason behind why, but I won't bore you with it." He mused "At any rate, not all of your family was in that dream." He said, dismissing them with a wave of his hand as he took another bite of pangrounds. Talis paused.

"What do you mean?" They frowned "You just said ceres is a name for a parent and...If they have three parents, why wouldn't that be my whole family?"

Azan paused.

"Yes. Sorry, yes." He said, lowering his eyes. Talis stared. "I'm sorry." He smiled weakly, going back to his food. Talis mused over the words for a moment before shaking their head. No. Nope. Not going to let it go.

"Do you know something about me?" They asked, narrowing their gaze. Azan opened his mouth, but Talis cut him off "I came here for answers. Please. Don't lie to me." They added quietly and Azan's face faltered for a moment. He stared before looking around even though they were definitely still alone. He looked back at Talis.

"Nobody told you," He sighed "They _should_ have..." He had bitterly and kicked the ground beneath their table. "I asked them to the moment Binton returned and said you were sold." He grumbled, gnawing at his lip. Talis shook their head.

"I don't understand," They frowned, brows coming together "Binton said there weren't many children of our kind sold-"

"There was only one." Azan interrupted and Talis fell silent. "I...It's a long story," He added hastily but Talis shook their head. That wasn't an excuse. Not with the heaviness that sat in the room. Azan hesitated and suddenly reached forward, grabbing their hands. "I am so happy to have met you, Talis." He smiled. "It doesn't make sense now, but it might tomorrow." He assured them. Talis looked down, watching the blackness in their hands seemingly meld together now that they were touching. "We'll see each other again soon, I promise." He said and stood up.

Talis let his hands slip away for a moment before reaching out to grab him, unwilling to let him leave so suddenly. There was something about Azan. Something Talis didn't know how to explain but...It was comforting. Important. They didn't want him to leave.

"Just...Please answer one thing for me." They asked and Azan nodded. Talis didn't let go, but instead swallowed, tightening their fingers on his arm before nodding towards his hand. "My hands didn't turn black around Jara. Why is it only with you?" They asked and Azan looked at their hands for a moment. Then he met Talis' eyes.

"It...It's a common occurrence between...specific xons." He said and Talis tightened their hold. It wasn't good enough. It didn't feel like an answer at all. Azan seemed to realize this because after a few beats of silence, relented "It is very common among siblings."

A pause.

"What?"

"They are going to notice I'm missing soon," Azan said and gently pried Talis' fingers off of him. Who would notice he was missing? They wanted to ask, but Azan was already speaking "I promise I'll see you tomorrow." He added, as if he hadn't just dropped the biggest bomb on Talis in the world. They supposed they had pressed for it, but still. Sibling. This was their _brother_. The word rolled around for a moment and suddenly their mind flicked to Kaleb.

They let go of Azan.

"Okay." They announced lamely. Azan looked over his shoulder and took off the necklace that hung around his neck and handed it over.

"This belongs to you." Was all he said and with that he was gone, leaving Talis staring with a leather cord in their hand.

* * *

Ethera continued to impress.

The next morning they were treated to a rather luxurious breakfast to which Talis enjoyed watching their parents pretend to enjoy the food and Talis...Well, they actually _did_ enjoy the food. Plenty of xons came to speak to them, each looking at Talis with various levels of interest while answering their questions. They saw Binton again, who had merrily waved and lied when Lance mentioned Talis' hands turning black the previous day.

"Ah, that is very common." He said carefully before pretending to be called away to say anymore. The necklace Azan gave them weighed heavily in their pocket. They hadn't told their parents about Azan. It still seemed so...Strange and unreal that they didn't dare say it out aloud. Instead they focused on other things. Like Lance insisting that a rather rare delicacy tasted like hotpockets and Keith trying to explain why that was rude...Or Keith's translator busting so he just stood there for five minutes pretending to understand what the xons were saying to him while Talis fed him very incorrect translations.

It turned out to be even more fun that the commander had cancelled on them. Apparently they had an emergency pop up suddenly so instead of meeting with some old xon they went on a sky tour of the planet where they flew over each of the six colonies and met their people, learning the nuances of each place. Talis felt the knot in their stomach unclench the more they learned.

It felt...Right in a way. Normal. Safe.

"Kaleb is calling," Lance announced around lunch and flicked the comms up so that then ten-year-old's face filled the screen "Wait. Shouldn't you be at school?"

"I'm sick!" Kaleb merrily informed them, face flushed and hair sticking to his face "Sadie and I can _both_ stay home now." He beamed. Lance gasped in horror, but before he could say anything, Keith cleared his throat.

"Kaleb," He said sternly "Remember if you're sick you have to careful where your germs go." He said and Kaleb nodded.

"On Uncle Adam or Uncle James." He said stoically and from somewhere in the back, there was a loud crash as Keith smiled in approval.

" _You know what?"_ James' voice shrilled in the background, but Kaleb picked up the camera and dashed away, giggling.

"Talis! Talis, do you like Ethera?" He asked, moving close enough so Talis could pretty much only see his eye.

"Yes," They snorted "It's very nice."

"Oh...That's good." He said, though he didn't seem too enthusiastic with that response. "Well, Sadie and I made a present for when you come home!" He said with a fierce nod. "But, uh, I don't think I can send it through space or anything so you have to come back and get it." He added hastily. Lance's face softened a bit and inwardly, Talis felt something poke at their stomach.

"What is it?" They asked and Kaleb shook their head.

"It's a _surprise_." He started, but was interrupted by the doorbell. Immediately, his eyes widened. "Aunt Pidge is here!" He squealed and turned back to them. "I love you! Bye!" He announced and just like that...Was off.

"...why does he love Pidge more than us?" Lance complained.

"Because she doesn't watch Star Wars." Keith muttered and dodged a hit from the other paladin. "Come on, we have to meet the commander anyways." He announced, shutting down the comms. Talis wanted to argue that was the conversation was way too short, but figured there was no point since Kaleb would be too distracted by Pidge and Sadie. Besides, there was more of Ethera to explore...Perhaps the commander had something new to show. Talis suspected it was just some boring old politician type that they had on Earth.

"Are we supposed to bow when the commander comes in?" They asked a few hours later when they entered a room that Talis was pretty sure was a throne room. Jara (yes, her again) had said it wasn't but...It was a room. With a really big chair. So honestly, what were they supposed to think? It was honestly a bit ridiculous. Stairs rose on either side of them, kind of like bleachers if bleachers were made of stone and covered in laced. Gems lined the floor, gently glowing despite the sunlight streaming in through opened windows.

Part of Talis felt a pang. This place was clearly lavish and...Expensive. Perhaps selling one of these gems would have gotten their biological parents enough money to cross space...They pushed the thought away and walked around, footsteps echoing in the chamber.

"Yeah," They announced, letting their eyes fall to the chair that looked to be made of emerald or something "This is definitely a throne room."

"It is an _honor_ room." Jara insisted and Lance rose his eyebrows.

"An honor room..." He repeated and looked at Talis "Be honorable here."

"Never."

"Well that means we're standing in a dishonor room, Talis." Lance sniffed and Keith rolled his eyes as he walked around inspecting everything closely. Lance glared at him.

"I'm admiring the architecture." Keith told him and looked up and down "Very nice. Good, uh....Very gothic." He said, patting a gem. Lance rolled his eyes. 

"The only gothic thing in here is you." He muttered and Talis high-fived him. Keith stared for a moment before crossing his arms and walking back towards where they were standing with a scowl. "Ah, come on. Babe. I know you're not goth-"

"The correct term is emo." Talis jumped in and Keith threw up his hands.

"Look at what you're wearing!" He frowned "You look like a punk and a hipster had a baby." He grumbled. Talis resisted a grin as they looked between the two of them pointedly for a moment. Lance let his mouth fall.

"I am _not_ a hipster." He said, crossing his arms. Jara cleared her throat before Keith could jump in and argue he acted like a hipster. Talis almost sighed. Hopefully this Commander Yaz person was just as fun to tease.

"The commander is here," Jara offered and Lance gave her a thumbs up "Please look presentable." She added and Lance reached over to dust off Keith's uniform.

"We can never take you anywhere nice." He teased as Keith knocked his hands away.

"You're so embarrassing - get off of me." He grumbled. Jara shook her head, but offered no response as the doors creaked open to reveal a large parade of people walking in. Lance and Keith's hands immediately went to their weapons, but paused when most of the xons sat down or stood by the...Not-throne.

Lance immediately clapped his hands together, possibly trying to pretend like he hadn't gone for his bayard at the crowd of people. Not that Talis noticed. They were too distracted by the last figure walking in, nodding to people as he smiled warmly. For a second their breath left them.

Azan.

They're eyes met and Talis looked down to see their hand was black again. They glanced back up to see if Azan's was the same, but stopped when they noticed he was wearing leather gloves. Interesting. They were so distracted by Azan they didn't noticed the armor clad xon walking towards them. Others bowed their heads, but Talis could barely process any of it.

"Paladins!" The armored xon boomed and Talis jumped to see them smiling "Talis." They added with a nod. "We're happy you're able to join us...And I'm so sorry about the delay earlier," They added with a shake of their head and held out his hand. "I'm Commander Yaz."

"Nice to meet you" Lance smiled and despite the panic that Talis' brother was in the room for some reason, they tried not laugh when the commander did the index finger thing Binton had done in the doctor's office as a way of greeting. Keith seemed unfazed by the hello and just let people stick his finger to their foreheads without question. Now that Talis thought about, they had probably be introduced to stranger customs "I'm Lance and this is Keith and Talis." Lance continued. Commander Yaz nodded before turning so that Azan was visible.

"We're honored," They said and patted Azan on the shoulder "I would also like to introduce my son. Azan." They continued and whatever else Yaz might have said fell onto deaf ears as Talis felt the blood leave their face. Son. Azan.

No. No that did not make sense. The...The dream that was beginning to seem more like a memory... The xons hadn't had enough money to leave the planet. Based on the amount of luxurious and ornate decorations that adorned this room, it didn't look like money was an issue for Commander Yaz. Whose son was Azan. Who was Talis' brother.

That... It couldn't be.

"Talis?" Azan's voice spoke quietly, breaking the spell. Son. Azan. Yaz. This...This could be their _parent_. "Are you alright?" He asked, eyes giving an unvoiced apology...As he _should_. How could he not have mentioned this? All that time yesterday and he said _nothing_.

"You." Talis breathed out. The room paused.

"...who?" Keith asked, frowning. "Talis?"

"It was _you_?" They asked, ignoring everyone else. It suddenly didn't matter that nobody else in the room aside from Azan had context. Yaz should know. They should _know_ what was going on. "Why?" They asked, chest suddenly rising and falling way too fast. A hand fell on their shoulder, but they shrugged it off.

"You...Remember me?" Yaz blinked. There were xons circling them, possibly unsure of where this escalation was coming from. They immediately backed off when Keith let out a feral noise that would have made Krolia proud. The commander opened and closed their mouth a few times. Talis just glared.

"Why?" They repeated "You were there that night, weren't you? _Weren't you_?" They shouted and Azan reached forward, but Talis' eyes switched to him and he stopped.

Silence followed.

"Yes." They finally said and Talis had to fight the overwhelming emotion that washed over them. "You must understand-"

"You kept Azan." Talis interrupted, silencing the commander. "Why not me?"

"Wait," Lance's voice cut in sharply "What are they implying?" He asked and turned to look at Yaz. "You...You're..." He started and gently touched Talis' arm. "We should go." He said and nodded something at Keith. Before anybody could try and drag them away, Talis shook their head.

"No. No, I want to know." Talis hissed and looked around "Where are the others? Aren't xons supposed to have three parents? Where are rest?" They demanded. Yaz flinched.

"You...You have no idea-"

" _Then tell me_!"

"Do not speak to the commander-" Jara began, but was cut off by Keith clearing his throat.

"Hey," He interrupted and pointed at her "Shut up."

"Oh..." Lance snapped his fingers " _That's_ why I married you." He said and when a few people looked at him shrugged. "Not the time? Sorry."

"Allow me to explain," Yaz said and Keith scowled, seemingly unimpressed by the offer. "Let...Let us go someplace private." He reasoned, gesturing behind them. Talis looked at Azan who nodded. The necklace he had given them was still in their pocket, weighing heavily. They turned to Keith.

"I don't know what's going on Talis," He said and for a second he seemed to have some internal struggle before nodding "But it's your decision. We can leave if you want." He offered. Talis didn't want to admit how appealing that sounded. Still, Azan's eyes weighed on them and they looked down to see their hand had turned black again. These _were_ the answers they had come for. They would be a fool not to take it.

"You get ten minutes." They said and Commander Yaz frowned.

"What is a minute?"

"Not very long, bud." Lance chipped in "So you might want to say your piece fast."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah, one more chapter of this and then something else lol. I'm thinking maybe something Garrison day oriented or directly after the war...Or another Drunk History of Voltron. I still have a few those to do. 
> 
> We shall see!


	37. Basically a Homecoming (Part 3)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we made it kids. It got a little longer than I anticipated, but I've never seen you guys complain about long chapters so here ya go lol.

Keith was ready to _fight_.

Talis knew this without even looking over at their father. They could just tell by the way he was walking. Stiff. His hands didn't hang loosely by his side and were instead stuck to his bayard as if he might chop Commander Yaz in half. They noticed his eyes flickered over to Azan once or twice, eyes narrowing to determine if he too was an enemy. Talis' hand went to their pocket where the necklace he had given them still sat idly in their pocket. 

"Do you want us to be here?" Lance asked Talis as they walked towards one of the rooms Jara had escorted them to. Azan and Yaz had already gone inside along with two xon guards, but Lance had pulled Talis to the side with serious eyes. Keith choked.

"No. No we're going to be there."

"Not if Talis doesn't want us to be." Lance argued, eyes flashing. Keith glared right back. "This is _their_ past. We aren't involved unless they ask us to be." He said. Keith scoffed.

"Well, we are their present and as part of the present I am going into that room and-" He stopped his sentence, eyes flicking to Talis "Having a reasonable discussion." He said slowly. Talis was old enough at this point to know it would not be a reasonable discussion.  Lance took a long breath. He must have decided ignoring Keith was better because he turned back to Talis.

"What do you want?" He asked, voice softening. Talis swallowed. Part of them...Didn't want them there. Maybe if they heard the reason Yaz had given them away - while keeping a _son_ no less...They would think to leave Talis too. It was ridiculous. They knew that...but the thought teased the back of their mind, taunting. Still, part of them knew they needed backup...And Uncle Hunk always said it was important for paladins to know when they need backup. Plus, Talis was all too aware that Keith was going to find a way in that room anyways. It might be simpler just to let him in.

"Stay with me," They said, squeezing Lance's hand " _But,"_ They added with a look at Keith. "Stay out of it unless I ask you." They warned. Keith didn't look to enthused by this, but nodded anyways. Talis nodded back, steeling their nerves. This was fine. Fine. Absolutely fine.

They turned and took a deep breath, hand clutching at the necklace Azan had give them before walking inside.

The room was pretty much barren. Especially compared to the stupid honor room or whatever. It looked like a conference room with a long table and some sort of hologram on the far side of the wall. Talis sat down across from Yaz and Azan, leaving seats for their parents to sit on either side of them. Keith still hadn't let go of his bayard. There was a moment of silence.

"What happened?" Talis said finally and Yaz swallowed. "You...You didn't _need_ to..." They began gesturing almost wildly to the imaginary riches. Yaz shook their head.

"We did, child...And I'm not saying it was the right decision." They added quickly when Keith rose an eyebrow. There was another beat of silence and Yaz spoke again, gathering his thoughts. "Commanders aren't like royalty, Talis. I was not born into this role. Long ago...When you were young, I was not given such honor and riches. It is like…Um. What is the Earth term that applies to the thing with people and the voting?”

“Democracy?” Lance suggested warily and Yaz pointed at him.

“ _Yes_. Yes. Democracy.” They said with a nod. Talis waited. So maybe they hadn’t had the money back then…That doesn’t answer everything. “My…My family and I were not rich – and we had you and Azan to consider.” They added slowly and Talis tensed.

“I have a memory…” Talis began “Of the night you gave me to the galra. Why wasn’t Azan there?” They asked and Lance’s eyes seemed to dig to their side at that. Yaz shifted.

“Have you heard of the sickness?” Yaz asked and Talis nodded. It was why the xons were apparently leaving Ethera at all back then. The disease Binton had said turned you into practically nothing. “Azan…Azan was infected. We could not bring him with us.”

A pause.

Talis felt some of their anger drain away. They had been so ready to be resentful – to be downright _angry_ at Azan. At why he was chosen over them. At why he got to live a happy, slavery-free life while they spent years under the galra’s rule. It hadn’t occurred to them that he had been left behind too.

“There weren’t many survivors of the plague…” Yaz mused “It was…Very shocking to learn he was alive when we returned.” They said and Talis stared.

“And who is ‘we’?” Talis finally managed to get out.

“Sotiz and Naja.” Yaz said without hesitation. “Sotiz has long given himself to the void, but Naja still resides with us.” They added. Talis wasn’t for sure how to translate all of that, but it sounded like Sotiz had died. They nodded. Okay.

“You…Sold me to get away from Ethera. Why did you never look for me after?” Talis asked. They were taking this pretty well. Calm. Asking good questions. This was going rather well.

“I…” There was a moment. A moment where Talis could suddenly see undeniable guilt in Yaz’s eyes that made their heart sink. “There was no need. I knew where you were.”

This was not going as well as Talis thought. Keith had visibly tensed beside them. Talis knew it wouldn’t take much more to completely set him off. Turning they subtly nudged him under the table, begging for him not to lash out.

“I’m sorry,” Lance said, breaking the silence. “I…I think I misunderstood.” He knocked the translator in his suit to exemplify his point “I thought you just said you _knew_ where Talis was…You know, while enslaved, and you just…? What exactly?” He asked. So much for him keeping out of it. Yaz ran a hand over their face.

“You _must_ understand,” They said “Our planet was in chaos after the plague. There was no order. No hope. Nothing stable existed.” They tried and looked at Talis “There were those who believed in those moments that the galra could _help_ us. That with Zarkon gone that maybe the empire he built wouldn’t be so bad if they gave us the resources to recover… I could not allow that to happen. The galra…I could _not_ let them get ahold of my home.” They said, voice wavering. “So I told them all what happened. I told them how I had lost a child to the galra and their cruelty had insisted I hand over something I loved to be enslaved at such a young age.”

“And then,” Keith said, face lighting up in dangerous realization “You got elected to become commander. You used Talis as a _political_ _pitch_?” He asked, voice rising.

“If I had not then my people would have given Ethera to the galra-”

“What the Hell kind of excuse is that?” Keith said loudly “And what? Kept them on that planet for when re-election came back around?” He added sarcastically. “Who _does_ that? It takes a shitty person to leave their sick child behind. Hell, it takes an even _shittier_ person to give away their child for their own protection. But I have to admit…Using a kid’s suffering – _your_ kid’s suffering – for a job? To capitalize off of? That is a whole new level of messed up.” Keith spat. For once, Lance didn’t try to stop him from intervening.

“Of course, you would say that,” Yaz snapped out “You’re one of them. _Galra._ ”

“Watch it.” Lance interjected sharply “Think through your next words very carefully.” He warned and the xons who had entered the room with them put a hand on their weapons.

“Don’t.” Azan said quickly, standing up. “Please…Everyone calm down.” He said, eyes flickering over the table. He nodded at the xons to lower their weapons. Keith and Lance did not. Sighing, Talis looked at them, putting a hand on Lance’s arm. He looked down at them and reluctantly lowered his bayard. Keith sighed and clenched his jaw before slamming himself back into his seat.

“I would like to speak to Naja.” Talis announced. After all, they had all they needed from Yaz. They were exactly as they had feared they would be…Maybe even worse. The commander nodded stiffly, not offering any sort of verbal assent as they stood. Keith glowered after them as they muttered something lowly to Azan.

Azan looked down at his hands.

“I’m sorry it went that way.” He said quietly and Talis gave a weak smile.

“It couldn’t have gone any other way.” They admitted. Nobody had died. That was a plus. And Talis felt…Strangely numb to the situation. Azan smiled back though it looked far from happy.

“Naja won’t be far. She… She never really leaves the gardens.” Azan said softly and Talis got the feeling this conversation might not be any better than this one. Nodding, they stood, gesturing for Azan to lead the way.

* * *

Keith was pacing. Which was…Fair. Lance’s husband was a man of action. If there was a problem, he aimed to fix it. If there was an issue, he resolved it. Years of acting as Voltron’s leader had done little to expand his limited patience. Lance would never admit it…but he did actually like that quality about Keith. Or rather, he liked that he was the one who could get Keith to be patient. It made him feel needed.

Now though…He wasn’t sure he could do much if this kept going. Yaz’s confession had been…Wow. It had been a nice surprise to learn that while, yes, Krolia had left Keith behind (something Lance still did not totally agree with) she hadn’t done so callously. She had done what she believed was best and clearly cared for her son. Lance had hoped it would be the same of Talis.

He supposed not everyone could be so lucky. Looking over at where Talis was patiently waiting for Azan to finish putting in the code to lead them to the gardens, Lance was able to truly admire how well they were handling this. Talis wasn’t quite as temperamental as Keith like Lance had originally suspected. He supposed out of everyone in their family… They might be the most patient. It seemed a little unfair. Kids were supposed to be emotional. Kaleb certainly was…Maybe too much so.

“You know,” Talis said, nudging him quietly “I think we should take a trip to Disney World after this.” They told him, tilting their head up to smile “You know. To help with the trauma.”

“You know Adam is still banned.”

“We can sneak him in,” Talis dismissed “He could follow us around in a Goofy fursuit.” They said and Lance was momentarily brought out of his thoughts to register (with an overwhelming sense of horror) that his child just said the word _fursuit_.

“Don’t ever say – who told you that word?” He asked and Talis’ smile grew, confirming his suspicion that they knew exactly what they were doing.

“He’s actually more of a Donald Duck…” Talis mused, ignoring him. Lance opened his mouth to continue to express his disapproval, but at that moment the doors zipped open. Talis’ smile faded slightly. “Did you know Donald Duck was actually in the Navy?” They said though they didn’t seem as invested in the conversation. Their fingers were tearing at a whole in their jeans, speaking a little too quickly “That’s why he has the sailor uniform.”

“Why are you now a Donald Duck expert?” Lance said. Talis’ smile flickered and they took another step in towards the door. “Talis-” Lance started, reaching out to grab their arm before walking through. They paused.

“Yaz sucked,” He said because…Well, yeah. Boo Yaz. “And maybe Naja might too.” He warned, unwilling for Talis to walk into this with too much hope. “But you are…” He paused trying to find the right words “Better. You’re better than any of them, Talis. Much braver and smarter and stronger than anybody here. Don’t think because of them you aren’t.” He said and Talis looked at him.

“I know,” They finally said and hugged him “Thanks for that.” They murmured into his ear and let go. Keith stopped pacing to look at them. Talis turned around to grin at him. “Step up your game. He just got promoted to Parent #1.” They said and followed Azan out the door.

“Yikes,” Lance chuckled as Keith gawked after them “Demoted again. How does it feel to suck?” He asked, jumping away when Keith aimed a punch at his arm. “Don’t be a sore loser, babe. Maybe you can be Kaleb’s favorite parent.”

“Shut up.” Keith rolled his eyes. Lance would have continued his teasing if he hadn’t been so distracted by the garden. Garden. This was _not_ a garden. This was a…Forest? Yeah. Like somebody had built a lovely courtyard in the middle of the building and decided ‘You know what? Let’s just put some woods in here’ kind of vibe.

Sure, there were flowers and plants, but the trees vastly overshadowed them. Trees. Sort of trees. Ethera’s trees were apparently black – like blacker than Keith’s soul kind of black with blue leaves curling at the top. He wondered idly if it was actually blue or the other color Talis had been trying to describe to them earlier. What would a new color look like? He wished his mind could comprehend something like that.

“This way,” Azan gestured, leading them through the labyrinth of trees. Lance shifted. He really hoped this wasn’t going to turn into a horror movie style trap. He was pretty sure he would be the first one to die. “Naja likes to be near the river.”

 _River_? How big was this place? Again, he felt a stab of annoyance at the reminder of Yaz’s wealth. He wondered exactly how xon elections even worked. When the next commander was elected would they inherit this and Yaz be left with nothing once more? Lance kind of hoped so. He loosened his hand on his bayard at the thought, but it immediately tightened when a noise interrupted his thoughts.

Singing.

Of course. Naja would be a singer. It seemed a little stereotypical. Walking up to someone singing by a river. Keith rolled his eyes – though Lance probably guessed he was thinking about how he had found Romelle by a river…Keith always rolled his eyes when thinking about Romelle.

“Naja?” Azan called and the singing stopped.

Lance peered around the group, looking down to make out Naja’s figure only to freeze.

Talis. Or…Sort of Talis. Talis’ skin wasn’t grey nor was their hair blue, but those eyes… Something about them seemed identical. For a second, Lance saw his kid all grown up and part of him felt very old.

“Azan.” The xon called and Lance realized she was standing in the creek rather than beside it. Her hair was wild and curly – much like Talis’ was except Naja’s was much longer so that it fell to her waist. “Come to lose another round of kolps?” She called and Lance resisted the urge to ask what the Quiznak kolps was.

“I’ll play!” Talis called before Azan could answer. Naja blinked, redirecting her attention to the other xon standing behind their…Brother. Azan was technically Talis’ brother, he supposed. Though he didn’t know if Talis thought of it that way. That would be a very fun conversation to have with Kaleb.

“Who are you?” Naja asked, eyes flicking to where Keith and Lance were standing. He wasn’t sure how much Naja knew if she never left this place. Were Keith and Lance a giveaway?

“The champion of kolps,” Talis declared, jumping from off a rock to join her in the water “As soon as you teach me that is.” They said and Naja tilted her head, though there was a familiar expression that hinted on her lips. The same one Talis always got when they were amused by Keith or Lance’s antics.

“Oh?” Naja scoffed and stepped back. “I look forward to seeing you in action.” They smiled and Lance sat down. Keith looked down at him.

“What are you doing?” He asked and Lance leaned back, nodding to where Naja was explaining the rules of whatever they were about to do.

“I’m about to watch Talis win at kolps,” He shrugged “Are you just going to sit there and wave your sword at them?” He asked and Keith scowled (again) before lowering his bayard slightly.

“I hate this.” He announced, but sat down next to him.

* * *

Keith hated this.

He didn’t like Naja. At all. She was too…Well, it didn’t matter. The point was he already didn’t like her and he was getting real tired of humoring everyone. Surely there was nothing this xon could say to alleviate the pain of Yaz’s words. Why were they still here? Talis was chasing false hopes and he hated that he had to just watch.

“Don’t.” Lance murmured from beside him as Azan jumped into the creek to join in the game.

“We’re adults. They’re a child. I don’t understand why we’re following their lead.” Keith grumbled. It was their job to keep Talis away from harm. This counted as harm, right? He was pretty sure it did.

“Pidge was fourteen when we were launched into space and we followed her lead quite a few times.” Lance shrugged and when Keith opened his mouth, spoke again “I know we were young too – but Shiro listened to her and he was an adult.”

“Kind of…” Keith rolled his eyes “He wasn’t actually that old.”

“Eh. The hair helped him.”

“Are you saying you wouldn’t have listened to him if he didn’t have the white hair?” Keith asked, vaguely letting exasperation override his worry as he turned to Lance.

“Maybe I am. Just be glad things worked out the way they did.” Lance snorted and propped himself on his elbows. “Do you think Kaleb is doing his homework?” He asked and Keith shook his head. Definitely not. “Of course not…” Lance rolled his eyes and bit his lip “Has James talked to you about…Uh, Sadie?” He asked suddenly.

Keith blinked. Sadie?

“Um…No?” He frowned and for the first time since he arrived on Ethera, let his mind redirect away from Talis “Why? What’s wrong with her?” He asked thinking of his other goddaughter. Or unofficial goddaughter. James never allowed him to actually claim that title though Nathan assured him that both him and George were.

“She doesn’t want to go to the Garrison,” Lance clicked his tongue “Or do anything space-related. I guess she isn’t as much of a fan of nepotism as the rest of us.” He snorted and Keith kicked him.

“Our kids work hard.”

“Uh huh,” Lance smiled “Don’t get me wrong. They _are_ the best…I’m just saying. She doesn’t want to be a part of it. Nathan said she wants to try out detective work.” He smiled a little and Keith nodded. He could see Sadie doing that. Then again, she was only ten. Nobody except Garrison kids made career decisions that early. “But they are talking about putting her in a private school. I’m not sure Kaleb would take it too well.”

Keith winced a little. He always felt a little guilty at how… Sensitive his son was. If Kaleb was a perfect blend of Lance and Keith than Keith suspected he was the reason that Kaleb acted so irrationally and based on nothing put pure emotion. Usually it didn’t lead to many problems – Lance was big on the sharing and caring thing, but the kid had a temper.

“Should we talk to him about it?” He asked and Lance tilted his head.

“Maybe…But he should probably hear it from Sadie, right? It’s between them.” He mused and Keith nodded. That seemed right. Sadie and Kaleb had always been scarily close. He figured they would know how to operate their relationship better than anyone else. Still, he wondered how they would cope apart. He hoped whatever private school James and Nathan were looking at wasn’t far. Ugh. James would be super annoying with a kid to look after.

“I WIN!” Talis yelled, falling back into the river. Keith wasn’t sure how they won, but he believed them as they punched the air as Azan and Naja watched with startled expressions. Never doubt that kid’s competitiveness. “Thank you, thank you.” Talis bowed, spraying water everywhere “I accept rewards in the form of pangrounds.”

“What the Hell is a panground?” Lance muttered.

“What Yaz is going to be when I get some time alone with him.” Keith offered. Lance pursed his lips at Yaz’s name, but didn’t object.

“You know what would make Talis feel better?” Lance said suddenly and Keith turned to him “Watching their favorite movie of all time _Star Wars_ -”

“Not again.” Keith groaned and wondered if he could drown himself in Etheran water.

* * *

 

Talis liked Naja.

Which was a bit of relief really. Talis had no idea how child bearing worked on Ethera…If they fell in love or were assigned to have children with certain xons or what, but Talis couldn’t imagine Naja liking someone like Yaz. She was too carefree. Too beautiful and wonderful in a way that Talis knew that she was the one who had fought for them in their dream. Maybe not hard enough… But she was the best of them. They knew it.

“Are you a friend of Azan?” Naja asked and Talis tried not to be disappointed that she didn’t recognize them. It was a little silly. Obviously Naja wouldn’t have any idea what Talis grew up to look like but…Still.

“Ah,” Azan interrupted before Talis could answer “This is…” He hesitated. Talis looked back at their brother. He looked a little uncomfortable for a moment before subtly nodding to Talis’ hand. It was black again. Not surprising given their proximity to Azan. The other xon took off his glove to reveal his own hand. “This is Talis.” He finished.

Naja’s expression didn’t change. Nor did she move. After a few minutes of silence she looked up, studying Talis’ face carefully before walking a little closer, the water splashing around her ankles.

“Talis.” She repeated and reached out as if to touch them before stopping right before her fingers could brush against Talis’ cheek. “I knew you would come here one day.” She mused and lowered her hand. “You very much look like Sotiz.” She murmured. Talis hadn’t known what to think of Sotiz’s death…Or the new information they looked like him. They had figured their coloring had come from Yaz and the eyes and hair shapes came from Naja. They weren’t sure what Sotiz had given to their appearance that was so recognizable.

“How did he die?” They asked and Naja smiled wryly before lowering her hand.

“A few weeks after we left Ethera…And you, he became ill. With the disease.” She said and shook her head “I figured if we left Azan and you behind it was only fair we left him to the gods as well.” She shrugged and Talis blinked. They hadn’t been expecting the callousness of the words. Still, Talis supposed there was some unresolved anger there.

“You could have stayed,” Talis ventured “With Azan and me. Back on Ethera.”

Naja nodded. They looked over to where Azan was still standing in the water, watching the pair quietly. Finally, she turned, going towards the bank and offering a hand to Talis to pull them out of the water.

“I believe I owe you some pangrounds.” She smiled and Talis gave a weak smile back.

* * *

Kaleb hated being sick…But he loved Aunt Pidge.

She was the smartest person he knew – and he knew lots of smart people.

“Try and sit still,” Pidge told him as she put another blanket around him “Drink your soup.” She added with a nod towards the thermos to his right. He was sitting in her workshop, watching her building her latest invention. Sadie was still sleeping because apparently she was going to be boring today, but Kaleb didn’t mind too much.

“Can I help build something?” He asked, coughing a little. Pidge frowned, wiping oil off on her jeans to look at him. “Or I can tell you what to build and you can show me how to build it!” He suggested brightly. Pidge’s face softened. It was like she said – inventing was the perfect line between imaginary and reality. You had to be creative enough to think of ways to build crazy things, but realistic enough to make it work.

“What do you want to build?” She asked, crossing her arms and Kaleb’s smile grew.

“A surprise communicator!” He said and Pidge blinked “I want to scare Talis.” He grinned, swinging his legs happily at the thought. “I can pop up and just scream really loudly.” He grinned. Pidge snorted, tossing a wrench to the side with some consideration.

“It’s…Possible. I could possible hack Keith or Lance’s communication system to override transmission.” She mused, tapping the table thoughtfully. Her expression faltered for a minute. “But it might not be a good idea, Kaleb. You can’t just pop up when people aren’t expecting you…” She said cautiously. Kaleb pouted.

“But it would be so fun…” He said, lowering his head “And I miss Talis.” He added. Pidge immediately caved. After all, she knew what it was like to have an older sibling to bother.

“Fine,” She relented “But I call your parents before to make sure Talis isn’t in an important meeting or something.” She told him and Kaleb grinned. Yeah. Sure.

It actually didn’t take as long as he thought it might. Pidge worked fast – though she always told him what she was doing and how she was doing it. He appreciated that because while it was fun to watch her work, he wanted to be able to do it himself one day. After all, he had heard so many stories of how Aunt Pidge saved everyone with how smart she was…He wanted to do that too. Talis was good at fighting. They could do that. Kaleb was going have a super cool robot to fight for him with lasers for eyes. It would be _awesome_.

“And…We’re done. Just press this button and you’ll pop up.” Pidge said tossing him a small box. It looked like what regular communicator might look like if pulled out of a suit or helmet. He rolled it in his hands, eyes lighting up in excitement. “You hang tight. I’m calling Lance – remember our deal.” Pidge told him with a stern look as she wiped her hands clean. Kaleb rolled his eyes but nodded. He supposed he wanted to scare Talis, but it ruined it a little that his dad was going to know.

He tapped at the cube, tilting his head a little in wonder at how such a small thing could have the power to travel so far across around space. He hoped the reception was good…And that Talis was somewhere good when he popped up. Like near a pool so they would fall in when he jumped out. That would be the best.

“…What are you doing?”

“Sadie!” He beamed and sniffed a little. Stupid runny noses. “I’m going to scare Talis.” He said as she walked up with her blanket still wrapped around her. She looked a little like a monster all bundled up. Unlike Kaleb, she didn’t look like her dads much. Her hair was black and eyes dark enough that you couldn’t tell where her pupils and irises met. He scooted over, making room for her on the bench.

“How?” She asked and Kaleb went through the various stages of his plan. Sadie nodded even if she looked a little bored. That was the nice thing about Sadie. She didn’t always care, but she’d listen anyways. “So you just have to press the green button?” She mused and Kaleb nodded and pressed to demonstrate.

Wait.

Immediately the scene changed and Kaleb internally winced at the realization that his eagerness had made him break his promise to Aunt Pidge. He thought about closing the connection, but paused when he looked around.

Ethera looked…Kind of cool. The trees were black and ground silver. He turned to see his parents murmuring to one another lowly, not seeming to realize that Kaleb and Sadie had just popped out their suit. Huh. Pidge’s design must be better than he anticipated.

He peered around and smiled a little when he saw three figures all sitting on the ground, splitting some weird green food. They looked like Talis. Well…One of them _was_ Talis, but the other two. He studied them closely, taking in the features. He hadn’t seen anyone who looked like Talis before. Curiously, he tip-toed closer.

“Kaleb-” Sadie started but he put a finger to his lips and pointed. Maybe he could scare Talis’ new friends too.

“…It is customary for xons to have three children, you know,” The one was saying. She had blue hair – which was kind of cool – that kind of reminded him of Talis’. “It is why we have three caregivers. Long ago, there was war among our kind.” She said and Sadie grabbed Kaleb’s hand to stop him, but he pulled her behind one of the trees.

“War?” Talis asked, tilting their head as Kaleb peered from behind his hiding spot. “Over what?”

“Religion,” The woman said with a shrug “There are three faiths here. They used to war constantly among one another until it was decided that one commander would unite them… From that point it was decided that to have a child a member of each religion must participate as a parent. Then three children would be born and each taught one of the religions. It is equal that way.” She explained. Kaleb blinked.

“That doesn’t seem fair,” Talis frowned “What if you love someone who shares your religion?” They asked, voicing Kaleb’s question. The blue-haired one smiled.

“We…Do not tend to associate love with bearing children. Sotiz and Yaz were my friends…But nothing more.” She said and Talis frowned a little at that but nodded. “But if Sotiz hadn’t died then we would have had one more child.” She smiled and Talis took a bite of their food thoughtfully. Kaleb tilted his head. One more?

“You’ll have to just settle for me.” The other xon commented and Kaleb redirected his attention to him. He looked…Also like Talis, but in more ways than just the same species.

“I have another,” Talis said, tapping their spork on thoughtfully on their thigh. “Brother, I mean. His name is Kaleb.” They said and Kaleb felt the pieces slide together. Another. He let his gaze flick back to the xons.

“Well, yeah, but-”

“Azan.” The woman interrupted and he fell silent. Talis paused.

“But what?” They asked and the xon – Azan – bit his lip. He looked at the woman before turning his eyes back on Talis.

“I just mean… He isn’t like…Your real brother, you know? It isn’t the same.” He offered slowly and Talis furrowed their brows together. “I’m sure he’s great!” He added on hastily “But there isn’t that connection. Like we have.” He said lifted his hand. Immediately it went black. Talis lifted their own hand and it did the same.

“Kaleb and I have a different kind of connection.” Talis said slowly. “We grew up together. He’s always had my back. And I look out for him.” They said with a nod. Kaleb felt the tension building up his shoulders loosen a bit.

“That’s nice…But it sounds a bit like a friend,” Azan said and Kaleb scowled. He did not like this xon. “He doesn’t understand stuff about you. Like xon stuff. And he doesn’t have to deal with the same stuff you do.”

“Well. I mean, he’s _technically_ -”

“Has he had to deal with the crap you have on Earth?” Azan interrupted “Feeling out of place? Not seeing anyone like him? Not knowing know how your own body works?”

“Have _you_?” Talis asked, voice going agitated. “You grew up _here_.”

“And I was _abandoned_. Just like you. Has Kaleb ever been left behind by anyone?”

Silence. Kaleb waited for Talis to tell him to shut up. Or to just leave the conversation altogether. Instead they went oddly silent. Why weren’t they saying anything?

“There are…Lots of things I can’t talk about with him.” Talis finally spoke. Kaleb felt his breath leave him. “Can I, uh, talk about them with you?” They asked, voice going a little small.

“Of course,” Azan beamed “That’s what I’m here for.”

“Kaleb.” Sadie’s voice said, practically a whisper. “Kaleb maybe we should leave. This isn’t a good idea.” She said and he felt her hand touch his wrist. Looking down at his hand he found the red button on the cube and pressed it. The scene disappeared.

Sadie’s eyes didn’t leave him. She didn’t say anything. He was grateful for that. She wasn’t very good with saying things.

“Guess what! Your dads gave us the go ahead to scare Talis in about five minutes!” Pidge yelled, sliding into the room. “I’m thinking we can also confuse them by doing the macarena as our entrance. What do you – Kaleb?” She frowned. Kaleb slid off the bench and handed her the cube. “What’s wrong?”

“I don’t feel well.” He muttered and grabbed the thermos of soup as he left the room. For a moment he looked around the halls, trying to figure out where he wanted to go. Pidge's house was full of rooms and endless mazes that were usually fun, but...He felt too tired to explore now. It was probably cause he was sick. 

Yeah. Definitely because he was sick.

* * *

“I don’t understand,” Keith said, running his fingers absently through Talis’ hair as he frowned. “Are they _not_ siblings?” He demanded. Lance sighed from the other side of the couch they were all sprawled out on, poking Keith’s foot from where they sat on his lip.

“They’re twins…They just don’t know it yet.”

“But she _kissed_ him!” Keith objected “She just kissed her brother!”

“She didn’t know!”

“That’s no excuse,” Keith grumbled and reached over to grab from the bowl of popcorn that Talis was hoarding “I thought you said Luke and Han ended up together.” He muttered and Talis scoffed and handed Lance the remote. The movie had started out at a reasonable volume, but with every complaint Keith made Lance would turn up ever so slightly to tune him out. 

“I had to make it gay you’d watch it.” Lance told him with a shrug, ignoring Keith’s indignant splutters as he clicked the volume up again.

“I signed up for gay and now I’m watching incest!” He said and rubbed his temple “And kind of wish they would die. Only those stupid white people can’t shoot!” He added loudly over the sound of blasters and Talis bit back a grin at his wording for the storm troopers.

“Dad,” They reprimanded “Don’t talk about white people like that.”

“You _know_ what I mean,” He yelled, flicking the side of their head “This is horrible. Why can’t these people strategize? And-”

“Oh my God, Keith!” Lance moaned, throwing a hand over his eyes “Just watch the movie.” He told his husband, ignoring Keith scowling at the screen. Talis tapped his chest.

“If it makes you feel better…Luke and Leia don’t end up together.” They whispered and was somehow heard if the relief crossing their father’s features was anything to go by.

“Thank God…” He grumbled and Talis sat up, stretching out their arms. Despite the disaster with Yaz…Azan and Naja were kind of awesome. More awesome than they had anticipated quite honestly. They wished they could almost spend more time with them…Maybe if they asked Lance and Keith could extend the trip…It wasn’t like they had anything to do other than embarrass themselves on television interviews and gameshows.

“I’m going to call Kaleb,” They said, sitting up so they could hurry for the communicator “You can finish without me.”

“Oh. I should say hi too-” Keith started, but sat down when Lance pointed a finger at him. “Why am I supposed to prioritize this movie over my _son_?” He groaned and collapsed back onto the couch.

Talis snorted and went back to the communicator as the headed towards the bedroom of their small hotel and glanced out the window.

“You have to murder Azan.”

“Sadie?” Talis blinked when the line opened up and they were face to face with a very grumpy looking girl. “Where’s Kaleb? Wait – How do you know Azan’s name?”

“It doesn’t matter. You have to kill him for saying Kaleb isn’t your brother. He _is_. And you’re stupid if you believe him.”

Talis tried not to be annoyed.

“Azan is also my brother, Sadie. I don’t know what you heard or how but I’m not choosing between them. Azan just…Understands things that Kaleb might not.” They explained and Sadie narrowed her eyes.

“ _Azan_ wasn’t around when you broke your arm when you were nine. _Azan_ didn’t play with you every day afterschool. _Azan_ didn’t cover for you when you snuck out to go to stupid Garrison parties.” Sadie told them as they crossed their arms. “And Azan doesn’t understand things either. He doesn’t understand anything about how you like hot chocolate or know to put candy under your pillow when you’re sad.” She said and Talis tightened their jaw. Sadie had been around for...Years now. But she had never had much of a relationship with Talis before. She was his brother's best friend. Always had been. A conversation between them _without_ Kaleb around was rare. 

“Sadie this isn’t a conversation you and I need to have.”

“Yes, it _is_. Because he hasn’t said anything all day and it’s because he thinks you chose _Azan_ over _him_!”

“It isn’t a choice! I’m allowed to know where I came from, Sadie. And Kaleb hasn’t had to deal with anything hard before – he doesn’t understand what is like for things to not be _perfect_!” Talis growled realizing with an overwhelming sense of resentment how much they _hated_ how easy Kaleb’s life had been. How he hadn’t been gawked at or made fun of or dealt with nightmares or trauma or _anything_. “The only reason he’s so worried is because this would be the first time he isn’t picked first for something! And it isn’t like people aren’t going to leave him someday anyways. So maybe he shouldn’t be such a baby and _grow up_!” They shouted and from the other room, Talis heard the TV shut off.

“You _want_ him to have a hard time?” Sadie yelled back “You’re his family! You aren’t supposed to-”

“Well maybe Azan is a _better_ family!”

There was a small crash and Talis felt their heart sink. Sadie spun around just in time for the communicator to follow her vision to see Kaleb standing behind her in the shadows, eyes wide and – oh God. Oh no, no, no…

“Talis…?” Keith’s voice asked warily and they spun around to see Lance and Keith watching from the doorway. The weight of the words suddenly sunk in.

“I didn’t…I didn’t mean-”

“Then just stay there!” Kaleb yelled, turning to run out the door “I hope you never come back!”

“Kaleb!” Sadie called after him and glared at Talis to cut off the connection “Maybe you _should_ stay.” She spat out and the image disappeared.

Talis couldn’t breathe.

“I…” They started and turned to where their parents were standing “I…Didn’t mean…” They tried, but something caught in their throat. “I’m sorry.” They said, voice going very small. Keith knelt down, opening his arms. Talis didn’t deserve it, but they accepted the hug anyways. “I’m sorry.” They repeated, holding back tears.

“Hey…Calm down. Talis.” Keith said “We’ll figure it out.”

“They aren’t a better family,” Talis said almost desperately “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. Don’t leave me here.” They almost shrieked. The reality of it was setting in. Living here with Yaz and Naja and Azan. Yaz who had used them as gimmick and sweet Naja who was nothing but nice…And who had sat by and done nothing as their children were left behind. And Azan…Azan who wouldn’t know their favorite game or inside jokes or anything aside from their shared trauma. And they would grow up to marry two people who they didn’t even love and –

“Leave you? We’re not leaving you.” Keith interrupted Talis’ panicked thoughts, rubbing their back. “The only reason we’re still here is because you are.” He said and pulled away. “We wouldn’t do that, Talis.”

“Kaleb hates me.” They whispered. What had they _done_? It was just…Kaleb already had so much. He was part Lance and Keith. Part of the two best things in the universe. How could anybody hurt him? Nobody would have left _Kaleb_ behind just to get elected into a stupid office. The envy had just been so overwhelming. Talis had to sneak their way into this family. Kaleb may not have been planned but even his arrival felt a lot easier. Was it wrong to hope he had a little bit of adversary in his life?

Talis thought back to all the times they had kept bullies away from their brother and purposely lied about their nightmares so he wouldn’t worry so much. Of course, Talis didn’t want him to have a hard life. The thought of him going through any sort of difficulty _hurt_.

“I didn’t mean it.” They managed to get out, ignoring the tears.

Keith nodded, wiping a stray tear away before frowning.

“This is Adam’s fault.”

“Excuse me?” Lance said from where he had been watching quietly. “Keith, how-”

“Because _he_ was the one who showed _you_ this horrible _Star Wars_. And if _you_ hadn’t made _me_ watch that stupid movie I could have been here to referee this conversation.” He said and looked back at Talis with a shake of his head “Why does he ruin _everything_?”

“Oh, no you don’t.” Lance interrupted “If anyone is going to use humor to emotionally stunt our child than it’s me. That is _my_ thing, Keith. Go fight a robot or something.” He said and pushed his husband away. “Listen. Talis. I told each of my siblings that I hated them at least once a month and planned to run away with nothing but my mom’s garlic knots and a couple of churros in my knapsack…It’s okay.”

“He still does that with me.” Keith shrugged and Lance glowered behind him. “That’s how we ended up watching stupid _Star Wars_.” He added and Talis sniffed a little bit as they tried not to laugh.

“It wasn’t…The best stuff to say, but you’re under a lot of pressure and this is a very confusing situation-”

“Also James and Nathan raised a tyrant,” Keith interrupted, but was silenced by Lance’s glare.

“My _point_ is Kaleb loves you and will forgive you. And he’ll be super accepting of Azan too…He just needs to get used to the idea.” He added cautiously. Talis wasn’t sure if he would be saying that if he had heard what Azan was saying earlier, but nodded anyways. The guilt was still gnawing at their throat. There was no way Kaleb or Sadie would answer their calls now…

But maybe someone else would.

“Can I see the communicator?” They asked and Lance frowned a little but nodded, handing it back to them. Talis clicked a few buttons and the hologram reopened, this time showing a very – _very_ messy kitchen.

“Say yay for cupcakes!”

“No.”

“ _Dora_ ,” Thea frowned and handed them a bowl “Do you want to stir the batter?” They asked and the six-year-old in question looked at her for a moment before sighing and taking it. Thea stared up at the ceiling.

“I need your help.” Talis called, gaining her cousins’ attention. Dora rolled her eyes and went back to stirring, but Thea jumped at the sound of their voice before turning around to beam at them.

“Talis! How are you? How’s Ethera?” She said, wiping some batter off on her apron to skip closer “Hi Uncle Keith! Hi Lance!” She called. From behind them, Keith sighed and walked out of the room. "I love you too, Keith!" 

“Hey lion,” Lance waved and turned to look over his shoulder “I’m going to get him to finish the movie…You good in here?” He asked Talis. They nodded and he offered one last smile before dashing off. There was a cry of outrage that followed soon after before the _Star Wars_ theme song started back up.

“It’s…A lot.” Talis admitted, answering Thea’s previous question “And I’ve kind of messed things up with Kaleb.” They said. From that point, they told Thea everything from Azan to Yaz to Naja and Sadie and Kaleb. Dora sat in the background, happily adding black dye to the cupcake batter.

“Whoa,” Thea said as Talis finished up. “Talis that was…” She started, but stopped when she saw Talis’ expression. “…and interesting choice of words.”

“I _need_ to say sorry but he isn’t going to pick up if I call him. Could you?” They asked, a little desperately. “And…Tell him I’m getting him two – no, _three_ presents, okay? And he said he got me one too so say I’m super excited to get it. And that I miss him.” They tacked on, wringing their hands together “And Azan was wrong but he’s actually _super_ nice and maybe they can be friends and-”

“She doesn’t have all day!” Dora called. “ _God_.”

“Dora-” Thea began but froze when she turned around to see the kitchen covered in black cupcake batter “What have you done? Why is it black?!” She demanded and Dora shrugged.

“It felt right.” She said and while it was a little weird to hear that from a six-year-old it didn’t seem all that out of place considering…Well, it was Dora. The Altean smirked and licked their fingers.

“We were going to eat that,” Thea said, running a hand over her face “Aren’t you hungry?” She said and Dora shrugged again “Well… I guess we could have more pizza or something. What do you want to eat?” She tried. Dora licked her fingers.

“The souls of the innocent.”

“DAD!” Thea yelled, running a hand through her hair “YOU’RE RIGHT! I’M TOO YOUNG TO BABYSIT! COME DOWN AND HELP ME!” She screamed and took a long breath. “I’ll pass your message along to Kaleb.” She told them. Talis smiled back weakly.

“Thanks,” They smiled weakly and part of their chest ached at the sight of Thea’s kitchen and their cousins bickering. Maybe this was the homesickness Lance always talked about having will in space. “I miss you guys.”

“Gross.” Dora muttered as Thea beamed back.

“I miss you too! And – hi, dad.” She added as Adam walked into the kitchen. He looked around for a moment, nodded, took off his glasses, and then put them back on.

“Right,” He said and looked at Thea “Why have you forsaken me?”

“I’ll clean it up,” Thea told him “I just need someone to…Take her.” She said with a nod towards Dora. Adam turned towards the Altean and shook his head.

“No way,” He said “I’ll clean the kitchen. _You_ take her.”

“But I have to relay a very important message to Kaleb!” Thea objected and gestured to Talis “Important family matters are happening!” She said. Talis waved.

“Very important family matters.” They agreed. Adam groaned.

“ _Fine_ …” He said and looked down at Dora “I’m just going to throw you in the pool and hope that washes you off.” He grumbled. “Can you swim?”

“No.”

“Perfect.” Adam muttered and grabbed Dora off of the counter. Thea watched them leave.

“…I don’t know how I survived this long – DADDY! WE HAVE A MURDER IN THE BACKYARD AGAIN!” She screeched. From upstairs there was a heavy thud followed by quick footsteps. For a moment Talis saw a flash of Shiro’s Altean arm before the backdoor opened.

“Adam, _no-_ ”

“Anyways,” Thea continued “Are you going to go back?” She asked, tilting her head. Talis frowned. “To Ethera, I mean…Are you going to visit often?” She said. Talis bit their lip. They hadn’t planned that far ahead. Or at all really.

“I…Don’t know.” They admitted and looked down “I know I hate Yaz and…Naja…She’s so nice, but I can’t move past the fact she just let it happen, you know? She’s not bad just… It’s hard.” They said and kicked the ground “Would Kaleb hate me for keeping in contact with Azan?” They asked and sighed “I’m not trying to replace him! I just… I like Azan. And I want to get to know him.” They said and took out the leather cord to play with the pendant on the end. Thea stared for a moment and it occurred to Talis that she hadn’t met her biological family either. It was easy for them to forget that Thea was adopted…With her being human and all.

“Kaleb won’t hate you.” She said with absolute certainty. “He doesn’t know how.”

Talis really hoped that was true. Sighing, they slipped on the necklace. 

* * *

“I’m going to be sick,” Kaleb announced as Green landed, shaking the ground beneath them. “Oh wow. That was horrible. I _hate_ doing backflips. Not fun.” He said through the comms “It’s like being carsick but worse.”

The comms crackled.

“I have mints,” Sadie’s voice informed him “I’ll give you one when I make sure Red is okay.”

“I don’t want your stupid mints, Sadie.” Kaleb muttered, but was ignored as everyone else landed their lions. Talis took off their helmet, eyes studying the silver ground with a small smile hinting at their face.

“Where are we?” Dora’s voice asked “The trees aren't actually terrible here.”

“They look creepy.” Thea muttered. She was the first out of her lion, joining Talis on the ground. Dora lazily followed after, wiping some blood from her upper lip from a crash she got in the last battle. Sadie followed Kaleb out next – after chucking a few mints at his face.

“This is Ethera,” Talis told their team “We should have safe passage here.”

A pause.

“Ethera?” Thea repeated and looked around “Like…Where the xons live?” She asked, looking around and immediately paled “I didn’t actually mean the trees were creepy. I meant-”

“No, that’s what she meant.” Dora interrupted and tossed her hair over her shoulder. “Can you tell when other xons are invisible? Because I’m betting like…A hundred creeps are watching us right now.” She announced and Talis looked down at their hand.

“Just one.” They said and Thea’s eyes widened a bit in alarm “Hello Azan.”

The air shimmered.

“Talis,” Their brother greeted and raised his own blackened hand in greeting “I thought that the horrible crashing sound might be you…I guess now I can’t call you a liar,” He mused as he stared at Black “You really are a paladin.” He smiled. Talis grinned back.

“One of the best,” They answered and pointed “That’s Thea and Dora – you remember Kaleb? And the girl throwing mints at him is Sadie.”  They introduced. “Everyone this is Azan.”

Kaleb momentarily stopped dying to looked up warily at the xon.

“Nice to meet you,” Azan nodded “I’ve heard a lot about everyone…And you, Kaleb. It’s nice to meet you in person.” He added. Kaleb gave a slight wave at that as he grimaced, no doubt remembering the awkward calls Talis had insisted the two sit through over the years.  

“Hi! I like your bracelet.” Thea greeted with a wave and Dora groaned loudly behind her. “Dora thinks it’s nice too.” She added as the Altean ingored her to grab Sadie’s hand to try and move them towards the gates of a very familiar looking town.

Thankfully, Ethera proved to be as much of a safe haven as Talis predicted it to be. There was no attacks. No life threatening emergencies or…Anything. Just peace and pangrounds.

“Feeling better?” Talis called as they jumped over a few stray branches to make their way towards the river that moved through the gardens. Kaleb glanced up, grimacing a bit as Talis sat next to him. “How did you even find this place?”

“I asked Azan.” He shrugged and dipped a foot in the water. “He gave me the code and stuff.” He said and tilted his head “Is Naja here?”

Talis pursed their lips – a little grateful that the rest of their team had gone off exploring different areas of the planet.

“She…Isn’t well. Binton says he thinks she got infected with the plague a while ago but it was just dormant or something.” They frowned, a little uncertain of how xon diseases worked. He had assured them that nobody else could be affected though so he supposed there was that. “Yaz will take care of her.” She murmured and Kaleb nodded.

“I’m sorry…” He said and looked out towards the water “It must be annoying that Yaz is still here even if he isn’t commander.” He added. Talis snorted. Right. “It seems a little unfair that Azan can be elected. Wouldn’t it be too close to a monarchy to elect the son of the last guy in charge?” He mused.

“Don’t get me started on xon politics,” They told him and put their feet in, gently splashing him “I want to talk to you about something.” They added and Kaleb grimaced. “Jeez. Don’t look too excited.” They added and rolled their eyes “Just thinking…Remember the first time I visited Ethera? And how you wouldn’t talk to me for _two days_ after I came back?”

“I was experiencing emotional shock,” Kaleb sniffed “Azan was an unexpected twist that I hadn’t know what to do with.” He smiled a little. “But don’t worry. I know I’m your favorite.” He smirked and Talis bit back the urge to grin back. Normally they might try and argue they didn't have a favorite brother but... It wasn't like anybody would believe them anyways. 

“You always did hold grudges…” They mused and decided it was time to go ahead and bite the bullet “Maybe you should consider letting go of the one you have with Sadie…?” They offered. Kaleb’s smile vanished. “Honestly, it has been so long-”

“She’s evil. That’s not a grudge. That’s a _fact_.” Kaleb muttered and kicked the water a bit harder, causing water to spray everywhere. Talis tried not to sigh – and failed. “What happened with you and Ethera and what happened with her is completely different.” He added “You would never…” He said and Talis moved a little closer to him. “You wouldn’t do that.” He finally finished. Talis looked at him.

Life had… Well, it had taken a toll on their brother. As it did with everyone. That adversary they had wished on him years ago had come to pass and each time it did Talis hated themselves a bit more for ever having wanted to see it. Still, despite all the trials and horrors Kaleb had gone through over the past few years… This childhood squabble with Sadie was clearly what weighed on his mind the most. Talis didn’t pretend to understand it. They weren’t sure they could.

“You can’t be angry forever,” They told him, knowing he wasn’t listening “And even if you _could_ …We’re a team, Kaleb. You need to trust her.” They said. Kaleb shifted. He dug his hand in the silver ground, letting his fingers feel the softness before looking back at them.

“I don’t know how you stand it,” He said finally “Yaz. Naja. Even Azan. How can you just… Forgive them?” He asked Talis hummed. Forgive wasn’t the right word. Not for Yaz and Naja at least. Azan never technically done anything wrong. But he didn’t understand Talis…Not really. Over the years he had proven to be a good…Friend. And he really was. He understood things only about their species and was the bridge to the world Talis hadn’t gotten to live in. He just… He didn’t really get Talis. And never really bothered to try to figure them out. Or maybe never cared to. Maybe both him and Talis had lost the ability to let the world elicit anything overly emotional from them. Not like Kaleb.

Azan just wasn’t like Kaleb.

“I have you…And papa and dad.” They shrugged, running a hand through their hair. “I just focus on that instead.” They smiled and pulled out a cord around their neck. “See?” They grinned. Kaleb sighed.

“I _hate_ that you still wear that.” He told them “I was ten. Please. It looks awful.” He said, but Talis looked down at the necklace brightly. It had been Kaleb’s begrudging welcome home gift after they first returned from Ethera. At first they had planned to wear it until Kaleb stopped being mad, but at some point they just…Never took it off.

“I like it.” Talis insisted and looked down at the cord. For a ten-year-old it wasn’t terrible. It was kind of like a charm bracelet. A leather cord filled with various knickknacks that Kaleb had made out of small bits of metal from Aunt Pidge’s lab. Over the years they had even started collecting more from different planets. 

Talis wasn’t sure if Kaleb noticed that they had added the copper charm from the necklace Azan gave them to it. If he did, he didn’t say anything.

"Come on," They said, hitting his arm "Let's go watch _Star Wars_."

Kaleb winced.

"...Again?" He asked and pulled his feet out of the water, reaching for his shoes "Dad's kind of right, you know. It's overrated. And the science it all over the place at _best_. Not to mention-"

"Ooh. I don't care," Talis told him "Come on. Light sabers. Jedi. Sith. It's calling to me. I think...Yes? The Force?" They asked looking around. "It calls to me...I...Do you hear that Kaleb?" They asked and moved in a little closer. Kaleb rolled his eyes. Grinning Talis raced over to push him into the water "LOOK! I USED THE FORCE!" They yelled as their brother crashed beneath the surface, the peace disturbed by his screech and a loud splash.

Kaleb's head popped up, sputtering indignantly.

" _Talis_!" He complained and touched his hair "Come _on_. I just got a glossing treatment!" He wailed and ran a hand over his face as he swam towards the bank "Now I have to redo my entire washing schedule." He said, ignoring Talis' laughter. "I _-_ _Papa_!" He said, jabbing at his soaking transmission as it lit up to show he was getting a call. "Perfect timing! Talis just pushed me into a Quiznaking river!" He said as the communicator line open. "Tell them that isn't very leaderlike!"

"I used the Force." Talis explained with a wave. Lance grinned.

" _Nice-_ "

"Lance!" Keith yelled somewhere in the background.

"Use the Force wisely." He advised with a wink. Kaleb screeched out the injustice of Lance not being more upset. Talis smiled. Somehow...Even as they stood on Ethera it hadn't felt more like home than it did at that moment. With that thought in mind...They pushed Kaleb back in the river.

All was well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There you have it. I tried my best with gray areas and subtle symbolism, but it's really not my forte. Anyways, I have a few different ideas for the next oneshot. I kind of miss my boy Adam so I might do something light and dramatic with him. Perhaps him and Lance being bros back in the Garrison...Or a fluffy Shadam piece. Or BOTH. TBD. see y'all soon!


	38. Basically A Peacemaker

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Keith, tell Shiro to pass the butter."
> 
> The teenager in question rolled his eyes as he looked between Adam and Shiro before lowering his glass of milk. He thought that eating dinner with them flirting across the table was bad...Never had he predicted this could be worse.
> 
> "...Shiro. Adam says to pass the butter." He muttered and took a bite of his mashed potatoes. Shiro didn't even miss a beat.
> 
> "Keith, tell Adam to get his own butter." He said. Keith swallowed his potatoes.
> 
> "Are you guys really going to keep doing this?" He asked. It had been a whole twenty-four hours since 'the incident' and neither seemed to be backing down. Shiro shrugged. Adam ignored him, taking a sip of his wine before holding out his hand patiently for the butter. Honestly. Keith's life was the worst. Why was Adam even here? If they were fighting why did he come over? Nevermind. Adam thrived in chaos. Stupid question.
> 
> "Shiro says to get your own butter." He said and Adam hit the table.
> 
> "Well you can tell him-"
> 
> "Come on!" 
> 
> Or 
> 
> Adam kills a bug. It ruins Keith's life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've gone back to my roots. Garrison days with gross Adashi and a tortured Keith. Enjoy.

It all started over a cockroach.

Keith wasn't even sure how it got into the apartment. Shiro cleaned like a madman. He made _Keith_ clean like a madman. Whenever Adam came over _he_ cleaned like a madman. There was not a floor un-swept. A counter un-wiped. Not even a single window unwashed.

Okay, that was a lie. Keith knew - within the depths of his closet that Shiro never bothered to check - that his three half-empty cans of Pepsi and bag of Flamin' Hot Nacho Doritos were probably what brought the cockroach into the realm of detergent and disinfectants that was Shiro's apartment. Still, if he had known what consequences would follow he would have _never_ allowed his closet to get so dirty...Nor would he ever again.

"Takashi just...What are you _doing_?" Adam asked, running a hand over his face. Keith peered over his shoulder to see Shiro attempting (and failing) to coax a rather disturbingly large cockroach into a cup with a piece of paper. "It's going to fly away." He told him flatly.

"No it won't," Shiro said "Come on...Just a little - _Shit_!" He yelped and ducked as the bug jumped, gliding from the wall to the kitchen table with far too much ease. Adam sighed and picked up one of the shoes by the front door. "ADAM DON'T YOU DARE!" Shiro yelled, pointing a warning finger at him.

"Is that my shoe?" Keith objected and tried to reach over to grab it from him "Gross! Don't kill it with my stuff!" He complained and Adam groaned, lowering his weapon with a glare at either the bug or Keith. Possibly both.

"Takashi it's a _cockroach_. Just kill it and we can move on." He said. Shiro sniffed, pushing Adam out of the way so he could continue his attempts at getting it in the cup. "Oh my God." Adam muttered and went to collapse on the couch, flicking on Mario Kart. Keith grabbed his shoes and quickly threw them in his room where Adam's stupid self couldn't grab them again.

After several very loud and obnoxious rounds of Adam and Keith trying to demolish each other during Rainbow Road, they turned to see Shiro still hadn't caught the infiltrator.

"You know I love you," Adam tried "But do you know how much I love you when you're not trying to catch a cockroach?"

"He's quick!" Shiro said and glanced at where Keith was innocently inching towards the kitchen to grab some ice cream "Have you done your homework?"

"Have you graded your papers?" He snipped back. Shiro lowered the cup to scowl at him and gesture at the cockroach.

"I'm _clearly_ a little busy here!" He said. Keith looked at Adam - who was obviously no source of help. "Flight skills isn't going to kill you, Keith. Go." Shiro told him.

"Why do you _hate_ me?" Keith moaned, dragging his feet as he grabbed his bag that had been dumped by the front door. "I'm an orphan. I've had enough bad stuff happen to me."

"Oh no," Adam scoffed, grabbing his messenger back "He's playing the orphan card, Takashi."

"Your parents would have wanted you to have an education, Keith." Shiro called, more focused on the cockroach than the conversation "And don't equate doing homework to the same level of trauma as losing your parents. It isn't good for you to water down emotions." He said. Keith sighed, mimicking Shiro under his breath. Adam flicked the side of his head as he passed by.

"Ow!"

"Don't be a jerk." Adam told him "Besides, the _real_ trauma in your life is that you can't beat me on Rainbow Road-"

" _Lies-_ "

"ADAM! DON'T ENCOURAGE IT!" Shiro snapped and Adam grimaced in his general direction "DAMNIT - I'M TRYING TO FREE YOU! DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?!"

"If he goes crazy do I have to live with you?" Keith asked, searching for a pencil. Adam looked him up and down for a moment.

"Maybe..." He frowned and made a face "Gross."

"You're gross." Keith muttered and flipped his notebook open. "It's been three hours. Why doesn't he just kill it?" He added. There was a bang from somewhere in the master bedroom followed by a wail. Adam sighed.

"He doesn't like killing things. Never has. Even back in school. Matt said he once stepped on a ladybug and cried." He told him. Keith clicked his tongue. Sure, he had once been under the impression that Shiro was cool - and he _was_. Super cool. He knew pretty much everything and let Keith do somewhat dangerous things and was fun to be around. _Plus_ he was like...The bravest person in the world.

...But also he spent three hours trying to catch a bug and as much as Keith loved him...He couldn't justify that. Not even Shiro could be cool while trying (and failing) to get a cockroach in a cup. It was a good thirty minutes later after Keith had guessed half of his homework answers that Shiro slid into the room - the cockroach flying directly towards them.

"DON'T MOVE!" Shiro said and Keith scooted his chair back as the cockroach landed right on top of his homework. At least he was finished with it...Up until Adam grabbed one of Keith's textbooks and slammed it down. There was a pause.

" _Adam_!" Keith said when the book peeled back to reveal cockroach guts over his work. "I swear to - _Why_?" He complained.

"Like you actually put any effort into that," Adam snapped back, heading to the kitchen and grabbing some paper towels "I saw you write down the letter D for an answer...It wasn't even multiple choice! Or were you pre-grading yourself?" He asked and Keith threw his pencil at him. "TAKASHI!" Adam whined, throwing the pencil back. "Get your evil child to stop throwing - Takashi?" He interrupted himself. Shiro was standing at the edge of the table, staring forlornly at the newly squished cockroach.

"How _could_ you?" He whispered. Adam paused.

"Babe-"

"You killed him!" Shiro said, gesturing to the brown stain on Keith's work "You're a murderer!"

"It's a cockroach!"

"He had a life to live!"

"I - Takashi. It's a cockroach!"

"He could have _children!"_

"Honestly, if it had kids we should probably get rid of them too-"

"MONSTER!" Shiro yelled, throwing up his hands. Adam watched as he went, grimacing. "I can't _believe_ you!" He said, slamming the door behind him as he retreated to the living room. Adam closed his eyes.

"See?" Keith said, sticking out his tongue "You _suck_."

"I swear to every deity known to man that if you keep talking I will smash you like I did that bug." 

"You can try."

"Do you take me for a _coward?"_

* * *

So Shiro wasn't talking to Adam...But in fairness, Adam wasn't talking to Shiro either.

Which Keith found _glorious_.

No cute pet names? No cooing over one another? No hand holding or ganging up on him?

He was having the time of his freaking life over here. Keith figured all of his trials through life had finally manifested into some solid karma. In fact, nobody was even complaining that he was lying on the couch eating ice cream as he watched re-runs of one of the sitcoms Shiro said was too inappropriate for him.

All was peaceful...Serene...He deserved this.

"Keith, tell Adam he is _not_ staying over tonight."

Keith sat up, looking from where Shiro was sitting at the table, grading papers to where Adam was sitting at the very same table, grading his own papers.

"Uh...What? He's right there." He said, frowning. Adam glanced up before looking at Keith with puzzled eyes.

"Who's right there? Are you talking to me, Keith?" He asked. Keith stared.

"I was talking to Shiro-"

"Shiro? Shiro who? I don't know anyone by that name." Adam said and went back to his work.

No. _No_. They could _not_ do this to him. Keith felt his eyes widen in horror. He had finally found peace! He was planning on googling knives under his bed tonight. It was supposed to be a stress-free environment!

"...Shiro?" He asked and the man hummed in acknowledgement. "Don't do this to me."

"Can you _please_ tell Adam he's not staying over here tonight?" Shiro pressed and Keith tossed his ice cream to the side with a groan. Fine. Whatever. _Torture him._ It was fine. It wasn't like they could do this forever. Shiro and Adam were too gross to fight for very long - especially over a _cockroach._ It would be over in a couple hours and Keith would have to deal with them being themselves once more.

* * *

"Keith, tell Shiro to pass the butter."  
  
The teenager in question rolled his eyes as he looked between Adam and Shiro before lowering his glass of milk. He thought that eating dinner with them flirting across the table was bad...Never had he predicted this could be _worse_.  
  
"...Shiro. Adam says to pass the butter." He muttered and took a bite of his mashed potatoes. Shiro didn't even miss a beat.  
  
"Keith, tell Adam to get his own butter." He said. Keith swallowed his potatoes.  
  
"Are you guys really going to keep doing this?" He asked. It had been a whole twenty-four hours since 'the incident' and neither seemed to be backing down. Shiro shrugged. Adam ignored him, taking a sip of his wine before holding out his hand patiently for the butter. Honestly. Keith's life was the worst. Why was Adam even _here_? If they were fighting why did he come over? Nevermind. Adam thrived in chaos. Stupid question.  
  
"Shiro says to get your own butter." He said and Adam hit the table.  
  
"Well you can tell _him_ -"  
  
"Come on!" Keith complained "I - Shiro. I _never_ side with Adam. You know that. You're awesome and he's awful."

"Lies, but okay." Adam interrupted. Keith rolled his eyes.

"But it was _just_ a cockroach. That you spent _hours_ trying to catch. And failed. Can't you move on?" He begged as Adam stole Keith's buttered roll from his plate. "Or...You know what? Just break up with him!" He suggested, light flicking on. Immediately, he switched tracks "Yeah! How dare he kill it? What's the matter with him? Do you want to date a _murderer_?" He asked. Shiro looked at him. "...do you?"

"I hate to tell you this, Keith." Adam said in between bites of Keith's roll "But you've killed a lot more than I have."

"What have I killed?" Keith demanded and Adam wiped his hands before counting off his fingers.

"The general mood, my hopes and dreams, the idea that I could live a life free of annoyance, Takashi's bank account-"

"We both know you sneak money into his account."

"Fine then. _My_ bank account-"

"You literally just bought a boat. We don't even live near an ocean!" He said, throwing up his hands. Adam jutted out his chin.

"My boat is none of your concern," He said, scooping up some more mashed potatoes "My _point_ is that you have no room to talk, demon." He said. Keith blew a stay piece of hair out of his eyes in frustration. Desperately, he gestured to Adam.

"See? You have a chance to get rid of this!"

A pause.

"Keith?" Shiro finally said and he leaned forward, hope creeping into his chest "Tell Adam he better not have been sneaking money into my bank account and I _told_ him to stop doing that-"

"Tell Takashi it was literally just a few dollars because his insurance didn't cover his medication again and he really needs to talk to Iverson about the plan he's on-"

"Keith, tell Adam that I can't just change my insurance at will because - as he knows - it is _through_ the Garrison so I can't just make demands-"

"Alright. Keith. Tell Takashi that he's a member of an elite military group and it's ridiculous that they can't provide the-"

He didn't deserve this.

* * *

Keith could _not_ stand this. He couldn't. He couldn't live this way.

'Demon, tell Takashi this-' or "Keith, tell Adam that'. What was he? A freaking messenger pigeon? No. He had to make a stand. He had to make a _statement_. To decide what he was willing to put up with in his life. Was it _this_? No.

Operation Free Keith was underway...And to be clear - Keith never thought he would live through a period of time where he was trying to help Adam. Well...Not help him, but play an active role in aiding his relationship. Whatever. The point remained.

"Hey Keith, how was your day?" Shiro asked as he trudged in, tossing his bag to the side. Keith said nothing, throwing up the hood of an old sweatshirt he had found this morning and slamming the door behind him. There was a pause. "Um. Okay." Followed and a few seconds later there was a tap on his door. "Hey...Can I come in?"

"No."

"...Alright, I'll stay out here. Is something wrong?"

"No, go _away_." Keith yelled and for good measure, threw a shoe at the door so there was a loud bang. He waited. When there was no immediate answer he tip-toed over and put his ear near the knob, listening as Shiro muttered 'shit' under his breath for a solid ten seconds before knocking again.

"Hi. It's me again."

"JUST LEAVE ME TO DIE!" Keith yelled and got into bed, pulling out his phone to text Draven. More silence followed and sure enough, when he went to listen at the door again there was panicked murmuring.

"What do I do, Adam?!" He whispered and Keith cracked the door a bit to see him whispering into the phone "...no, I'm not going to kick him out...What do you _mean_ he's probably on drugs?! I - KEITH!" Shiro yelled and Keith quickly closed the door before he could see him. "ARE YOU ON DRUGS?"

"Uh..." Keith blinked. Would being on drugs work to his advantage? "Yeah!" He called back "I love...Heroin."

"Oh my God, he's on heroin - do _not_ laugh at that Adam! Come over here and help me!"

Well. They were talking. Mission accomplished.

* * *

"Hey demon," Adam greeted twenty minutes later as Keith left his room to get a banana "How do you take heroin?"

Keith paused.

"Um...You..." He tried to think back to literally anything he knew about drugs other than people repeatedly telling him to say no when asked. "Drink it." He decided. Adam nodded.

"Damn straight you do," Adam told him and turned to Shiro "See? What did I tell you. Keith is too boring to do heroin."

" _Adam._ " Shiro growled and looked over at where Keith was peeling his banana "Why would you say that?" He asked and Keith took another bite. "Drugs are super dangerous and I need to know if you're actually at risk." He said and paused, eyes widening as if being hit with a horrific realization "Is this a cry for attention? Am I ignoring you? I know I've been busy-"

" _No_ ," Keith interrupted with a groan "I'm fine. I just wanted you guys to talk to each other again." He said with a shrug. He waited for some sort of exasperated response, but only silence greeted his words. "Um..." He said, glancing over to see a small, evil smile hinting at Adam's lips. Wait.

" _Keith_! You didn't like us fighting? How _sweet!"_ He cooed and Keith held out his banana like a weapon.

"No. No, don't turn this around-"

"That's so cute!"

"The cutest!"

"You could have just told us," Shiro snorted, sitting down next to Adam "I would have forgiven this heartless killer long ago if I knew it upset you." He said and turned to his boyfriend "We have to set an example, Adam. Demonstrate healthy relationship communication."

"I'm sorry, my love. I'll try not to slay the innocent anymore."

"My darling, I forgive you for being a monster!"

"I honestly don't know why I intervened," Keith said, throwing his banana peel at them "I don't know why I thought you were _more_ annoying when you mad at each other. This is worse. I hate you both." He announced and went to leave when Shiro cleared his throat.

"Did you do your homework?"

"You know what? Maybe I _will_ do heroin." Keith yelled in frustration. He turned to see Adam covering his face to hide laughter as he tugged at Shiro's arm.

"Give him Kool-aid and tell him it's heroin. _Please_ , Takashi." He whispered and Shiro snorted, obviously trying to fight off his own laughter as he attempted to keep a straight face while staring Keith down in what was probably supposed to be a stern look.

"I can hear you." Keith threw back, glowering over his shoulder as he dragged himself to his room to collapse on his bed. He paused and pulled out his phone to text Draven in order to learn exactly how drugs worked. If he got home tomorrow and told them exactly how to do heroin...Ha, it would scare the _crap_ out of Shiro and truly, that was what he deserved.

Unfortunately, Draven didn't know either. Figures. At any rate, Operation Free Keith was a success...Even if he sacrificed all of his patience for the foreseeable future.

"Hey!" Shiro called from the living room "Let's watch a movie. Bring over some snacks."

"I'm coming!" Adam's voice called and there was a thud as Adam rushed from wherever he was to the living room. Shiro sighed.

"I mean actual snacks, Adam."

"I am a snack-"

"Babe, I really just want some popcorn."

"That's literally the worst thing you've ever said to me."

If Keith ever had kids...He would never make them live like this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just so you know, my Keith who is an adult with children still is unaware of how heroin works. Nobody ever told him and he never cared enough to investigate more. So when Lance sits down with Kaleb and Talis to tell them all the dangers of drugs Keith is just there like 'HEROIN IS LIKE A SHOT?!' and Lance is just '...well, no. Not really-" as Adam slowly puts a hand over his mouth to keep him from correcting Keith. 
> 
> I also just realized I never wrote the potato peeler one-shot that I promised to write on my tumblr. Sooooo that actually might be next. If you don't know what I'm talking about...lol. It'll make sense soon.

**Author's Note:**

> Last note! My tumblr is now a thing that I am active again. You can check that out [here](https://caffeinatedflumadiddle.tumblr.com/)


End file.
